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BREAKING NEWS
Cloning A No Go
MONCTON, NB —
City Council voted an overwelming no to cloning yesterday much to the disappointment of City Mayor Ryan Duffy. Cloning was thought to be an option after talks with
New Brunswick's Premier over ways to boost the provinces growth. "The idea of having the Premier and the Major cloned cloned hundreds of times was not an option" Councellor Clarence Twitch noted.
"Lord only knows what these clones will turn into!".
2004 a key money spinning year!
MONCTON, NB — Tourism will skyrocket when the rest of the world hears about what happened on the little Island of
Ste-Croix in 1604. Seeing a vast new continent open before their very eyes a group of French explorers led by by Pierre Dugua, Sieur de Mons and Samuel de Champlain,
decided to live on this small island instead of the mainland which was sort of quaint. The State of Maine and the Provinces of Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia aim at selling this massively popular celebration of
North American French history to the world. For more on Ste-Croix history please click here
NB Dogs Overworked, Overstressed
SAINT JOHN, NB — Family dogs are amongst the most overworked and overstressed in the country. And more than 70 of them
are planning to quit, take a leave of absence or leave their families altogether. "It's not surprising" Sheila Corpse said "Many dogs these days are burning out with increased workloads
and less time to spend drooling on the floor. The dogs are working approximately 82.6 hours per week and in doggy hours thats a tremendous amount!". Boris a
Labrador Collie mix summed it up. "Probably since we are dogs were doing more hours barking in our kennels and fetching sticks and not enough of sitting at home at our
masters feet watching tired old cable TV!"
Luncheon Ends With A Splash
ST. NICOLETTE SUR LE BATEAU, QUE— The Annual Independence luncheon hosted by Henri LeHugenot was interrupted yesterday when guest speaker
Charles Robinet suddenly vomited, covering the front row dignitaries sitting below. The projectile was one of the biggest in living memory. Several stunned onlookers watched in
awe as those unfortunate enough to be immersed in the acidic bile were resucitated. Charles Robinet it is belived regurgitated after swallowing his pride.
Law Suit Debait Escalates
Last month Ontario attorny Tawney Bales caused a scandal when she arrived for work dressed as a Buffalo Jills Cheerleader.
This prompted Judge Albie Patal to dismiss her for what he saw as clearly "inappropriate dress code". Since Tawney Bales sensational sacking. Male and female attorneys across
Canada have showed up for work dressed as Nurses, Priests, Cops and even medieval knights! "We are looking into a way to stop this sillyness" Judge Patal stated yesterday.
"Jeans and T-shirts are fine so long as the robes stay on!" he was quoted as saying.
Teens Charged With Potting Plants
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI— Jim Wanks and Dan Stares both 18 were charged and ordered to undergo psychiatric
evaluations yesterday in connection with attempting to pot 76 plants. The two young men had not been seen at school since last Tuesday. A raid on a garden shed North of
Charlottetown early Thursday morning caught them redhanded. Contrary to reports that they had been found armed with gardening tools the boys were found instead to be eating
candy bars. 76 potted plants, a bag of fertiliser and gardening tools were later seized. The teens could face up to two weeks detention if found guilty.
Pop Idol Lands In Trouble
HOLLYWOOD, USA—Hot teen sensation Jennifer Javelin was booed off stage after she fell out of her sixty foot suspended bra.
As she lay motionless on the floor fans were stunned to learn that she was still singing. The music didn't stop until paramedics arrived. Jennifer famous for hits like
'Maybe later babe', 'I'm not a girl I'm a man' was suffering mild concusion in hospital last night. Rod Weevil, her manager said "It's fortunate she landed on her head. It's quite thick!"
Fans were less than pleased, they want the lip sync-ing singer to pay up.
Catatonic Dave Wins Charity Event
BENTFORKS, ALTA— Determined
Dave Dupre aka 'Catatonic Dave' won his place in the history books yesterday for remaining silent and motionless for seven straight days. The event comprising of over
600 local residents was aimed at raising money for childrens charities. Dave raised over $100,000. He was unable to comment about his feat.
Police Beat
LONDON, UK—
P.C Jim Jewster got more than he bargained for recently when he entered his local village shop to buy some sweets. He unwittingly became the victim of a violent mugging.
Faced with a life or death situation P.C Jewster stood terrified as a masked mugger ripped his clothes off with their teeth and then ran off up the street with P.C Jewsters wallet and
wristwatch. Minutes later PC Jewsters wife Belinda arrived, out buying some cigarettes. She took one look at the female cashier and the naked Jewster and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of her
husband. The case continues.
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TOP STORY
Province Wants 'Rubber Tyre' Tourists To Stay Longer
A new tourism strategy unveiled to trap visitors into staying longer in the Province longer was applauded by Premier Bunjay Cord yesterday.
"It will now be more easier to keep visitors here longer" the Premier beamed confidently.
"By using tyre deflation devices at our Borders with the United States, Quebec and Nova Scotia unsuspecting tourists who are just 'passing through' will now have time to look at the province differently while having their car tyres repaired at one of many garage destinations across the province."
"We feel that by using a more aggressive campaign more and more people will want to come shop in our malls and eat in our restaurants and maybe visit our many call centres!" Mr. Cord continued. "Clearly we have to look at all the options and this is a very viable one indeed!"
U-Boat
Found In Petitcodiac
MONCTON,
NB—The sight of bottles, cans, condoms and shopping carts are common items found in our rivers. The sight of
a WWII German U-Boat however is not!
Early yesterday morning businessmen staying
at Moncton's Chateau Dieppe were out walking before breakfast when they noticed the mamoth hulk of
rusted metal sitting fast in the muddy depths of the Petitcodiac River.
How it got there remains a mystery. The river is only 2 inches deep! But regardless of this small oversight Moncton historian Rheal Baldnut is overjoyed.
"It's not everyday we get a U-Boat from WWII cruising up from the bay of Fundy. Nevertheless tourism will boom
now we have that thing parked there. Boom indeed. Chateau Dieppe is more than happy to share the skyline
with a rusty old submarine.
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