E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: Donny Steele
On June 11th, 1982, Donald Parker Steele II was born in Easthampton, Massachusetts. His parents, Bill and Patti Steele, knew he was a sure thing for stardom…
…Many of you recognize him as the adorable Welch’s Grape Juice boy from 1984-1985…
….Many Hollywood directors and celebrities on the set of “Home Alone” were close to him early on during his childhood career when he first started off as McCullough Culkin’s stunt double.
Donny’s career was skyrocketing; he was making appearances on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and the Late show with David Letterman. The latest Hollywood gossip was that a sequel to “E.T.: Extra Terrestrial” was to be the hottest summer blockbuster of 1990, and Steven Spielberg wanted Donny Steele to be his star.
Things were going good for Donny, his career was at an all-time high. He was loved by all, and appeared in almost every magazine or at any Hollywood event. When suddenly, things took a turn for the worst. The unthinkable happened. Donny was kidnapped and held for ransom by a deranged crack addict…
*picture to be here soon*
…That man was his own cousin, Scott Steele. Scott couldn’t stand all the attention and publicity Donny was getting, and in a psychotic rage of jealousy he took him away to a cabin in Idaho where they grew potatoes and smoked crack; against Donny’s will..
Scott also forced Donny grow a mullet…what a sick, twisted, pitiful example of a human being.
By the time Donny was seventeen he was totally addicted to crack and became undeniably insane. However, he grew bigger and stronger and one day attacked Scott with a hoe while planting potatoes. Scott got what was coming to him, and Donny made an impeccable escape back to Hollywood where he was united with his family. He decided to start over again and take back his throne as Prince of Hollywood.
Although Donny was unfortunately still suffering greatly from his lost days of smoking crack, the media was willing to give an extra effort in attempts to exploit his career on the red carpet.
However, when Donny started to date his pet rhinoceros, the media knew that Donny was not the same ol’ lovable kid he was nearly one decade ago. They gave up on Donny Steele completely.
Comments from his friend Chris Cornell, former singer of Soundgarden:
….”It was sad to see the Man O’ Steele walking around talking all crazy n’ shit. I mean- I miss the little dude, ya know? Me and him go way back, he used to hang on the tours with us and he was the coolest kid ever…it was sad man, it was just sad”.
Many other celebrities agreed and decided to help out their old friend by checking him into a mental institution where he would receive excessive therapy and hopefully…. a recovery.
Just when you hadn’t heard anything of Donny Steele…he was busted…by the fashion police. Rumors spread that he was charged with possession of cocaine…but the only scary thing he possessed was green shirt hand-knitted by his gay uncle and a necklace he found in the dumpster.
Donny was brought to the Hampshire County Jail immediately, and he was not happy. With only two more months to go of therapy, he now faced a prison sentence of three years.
Donny was cornered, his therapy had done wonders for his crack addiction; all he wanted was his life back. He didn’t care anymore for the big screen; he just wanted a normal life. That is when he decided to turn to God and become a born again Christian. He was let out of jail only two weeks later after he pleaded insanity; the judge ruled that he really didn’t know what he was doing when he wore that outfit.
Donny slowly but surely collected the pieces of his life necessary to move on. Donny moved to Florida and bought a house on the water where he could be baptized…. every day. He wanted to be clean again, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Donny took this born-Christian-business very seriously. He made a public appearance at Jesse Jackson’s televangelist shootings and exclaimed -“I can’t believe it! I’m born again!”
Donny was now dating again. He was dating a lesbian, but she was a step up from a rhinoceros. The fact that she was human pleased the public eye. He wanted this relationship to work because she was the first girlfriend he could actually communicate with…
….but during a heated argument she told him that his face was quote “too pruney” unquote. This was unarguably from all the underwater adventures Donny engaged in during the baptism. They then broke up, and for the next two weeks Donny tried pulling his face off and refrained from any further baptizing.
Donny was determined to make things work, and his determination paid off. They made up and got back together, and in 1999 they were People Magazine’s most “Antithetical Couple”. It is still a mystery whether People used a big word to confuse the couple and make them think it was something grand or not…but in any case the mere sight of Donny’s name back in a magazine inspired him to get back into the celebrity biz…as a musician.
Donny’s solo career was quite difficult…for not only was he the guitarist…
…But also the drummer
…and the lead vocalist. The only bass player Donny knew was his cousin Scott. Scott was completely out of the question.
Donny’s attempt to be a rock star plummeted. He released his album self titled “Yani with a D” and sold 6 copies…one to his girlfriend, four to his mom and one to a crazed stalker fan named Vanessa. He was very angry with his failed success and killed his best friend.
It was back to the loony bin for Donny, the very thought of going back to that god-awful place made Donny even more crazy. He was notorious at the mental institution for catching frogs and eating them.
Even more disturbing was the fact that he would allow his cannibal roommate from the mental hospital to snack on his finger. Not only was Donny’s career completely wasted, but also his sanity.
Times were tough and Donny was lonely. His girlfriend immediately broke it off after the murder…Donny even scared away his one and only stalker. After a while Donny began to regain his sanity, but just then he went into a stage of manic depression. After extensive electroconvulsive therapy and lithium intake, Donny was slowly but surely recovering and would be released into a penitentiary upon recuperation.
The penitentiary is where Donny met his new best friend, his prison buddy known as “Nes. T.” She was serving time for trying to poison Hank Williams Jr. She encouraged Donny to use his fine self and become an underwear model.
When Donny was released just months ago, Calvin Klein hired him immediately. He became an overnight sensation. The phones were off the hook with calls from Paris, Japan, France, Sweden and Italy. They all wanted him in their advertisements. Donny even started dating, again…this time, a model...
...the Gerber baby
Donny is now back on the big scene. Though he led a difficult life, he is right back where he started, comfortably doing what he was always meant to do…model underwear. Donny Steele is back in the magazines, back at the Hollywood events, and although you won’t see his face on the silver screen…just head down to the cat walk.
As you can see, he is way too sexy for his shirt
And now, some closing comments from Donny Steele: “why the hell is the heater making so much money?"
Although Donny’s mindset still needs some mending, he will always be that charming little guy that all the top Hollywood elite knew behind the scenes, and that ravishing little lad the rest of us knew and loved.
Be sure to catch next week's E! True Hollywood Story: Zelda Rubenstein
