*****6*****
I always thought of Beth as a theif, someone who would be obstentatious, hooker looking, and someone who took over my best friend. But actually once we talked ourselves over, I understood that I was quite incorrect. Once I learned really who Beth was, I thought of her as more of a quiet, whole-hearted, and understanding person who listened to what you had to say.
I spent a whole three hours talking to Beth about not only myself, but about Taylor.
"I remember once..." I said, kind of trailing off, trying to recall the time. "I remember us, when we first kissed. We were about ten or maybe even older than that..."
It was the same place, but only a different time. I remembered climbing the tree to the treehouse that Thursday, one bright and sunny afternoon, in Taylor's backyard. I pulled myself up, spotting Taylor sitting on the bean bag chair.
"Hey," I said, waving my hand and sitting beside him.
"Hey," Taylor replied. He was listening to his radio.
"Your mom told me you were out here." It didn't look as if we had that much to say, but Taylor just eyed me. I eyed back at him and then suddenly blurted, "What're you staring at?"
"N-nothing," Taylor said, taking his eyes away from me. It was silent. "Um, hey, Ike got kissed last night. He said it was called a french kiss. You know, where two people stick their tounges in each other's mouthes."
"Oh, yeah. Basically all of my friends have been french kissed. I haven't."
"Me either. Have you ever had a feeling that you would want to?"
"On who might this person be?"
"Um, well...I know this guy. His brother says french kissing is cool. And that he should try it on this girl. Well, the guy isn't sure, but sometimes he wonders just what-"
"Okay, Taylor, I get where you're going."
He blushed. "You-you do?"
"I'm not going to french kiss you. I'm your best friend, you sicko."
He frowned. "I kinda told all my friends that you would kiss me."
"You said what?!"
"I told them..."
"Taylor! Why would you say something like that?"
He got up, pulled me close to his body, and put his lips on mine, making me feel all relaxed. I didn't care anymore. So I let him kiss me. It felt funny at first, and I felt like pulling away from him.
He let go of me and looked straight into my eyes.
"And all I can remember, I hated myself for doing that. I didn't talk to Taylor for three days. And then we kind of forgot that it happened."
Beth looked behind me and laughed. I turned around. "Um...you're home...early?"
Taylor giggled and sat down. "Yeah, that was funny. I remember that too."
"I bet you two have got time to spend." I blushed and went into the living room, and sat down to watch some TV.
~~~
*****7*****
Taylor and I decided to go to the carnival since Beth went out of town for her job. Taylor and I were going to have a day of fun and finally, just maybe, I would go somewhere with him for once without crying.
"Gosh, this brings back so many memories, huh?" I said as I gazed around. "Which ride to you wanna ride next?" We had just ridden about ten hundred rides at least seven times. Taylor got me cotton candy and won me a teddy bear. Like always. I smiled over at him and stuck a glob of cotton candy in my mouth.
"Hmm..." He gazed over at the ride that use to be our favorite, though it was really old. We had rode it many times before in the past. I looked over at where he stared. It had been our favorite always. We smiled at each other and raced over there like to children eager to ride it for the first time. We always spat off the side. We got in line quickly and got our seats. As we rose to the top, we looked at each other. Taylor got the left side, I had right. We began spitting up as if we were babies. "I GOT SOMEONE!" Taylor cheered. I peered over his side and laughed. "Sorry man! High rides make me naseous!" The man put his hand in the air which meant it was okay. The ride ended and we took another chance at a ride Taylor was scared of. The Zipper. It took you every which way. I managed to pull myself together after it had ended. So I got off rather dizzy.
"I had a fun time tonight," I said as we rode home.
"It did bring back tons of memories." He smiled and slipped his hand in mine. "I'm glad we're best friends."
"Me, too."
*****8*****
Nate called that night to tell me he missed me and he loved me, and how life went over in France.
"Hey babe."
"Hey."
"Having fun?"
"Loads," I replied. "I got you a bear. Tay and I went to the carnival today."
"Thanks hun. I'm glad you're having a good time."
"It's night over here, and I'm guessing it's day there?"
"Yep. Sunny and bright."
"Good." I paused. "I miss you, Nate."
"Miss you too. Stacey does too. She says Bonjor."
"Bonjour Stacey," I said with a smile.
He told her what I had said. "Well, I've got to go to a class that you didn't have to take."
I laughed. "Okay, Nate...see you later."
"Love you."
"I love you too."
"Bye."
"Bye." I hung up after I heard the click of him hanging up...I felt so lonely and the only thing that would heal me was Taylor's voice and words. He comforted me with them and they would always give me a feeling of I wasn't alone. So I hurried out to the hallway and to the living room. "Di, where's Tay?" I asked after I peeped into his room. No one was there.
Diana looked up. "Try the treehouse. He said he was going outside to do some thinking. Go on up."
I did. I went outside and went to the treehouse, seeing Taylor in the beanbag chair in the corner. I smiled and pulled myself up. "Could we talk, Tay?"
He put aside the book he was reading. "Sure...that's why we made that promise." I curled up beside him and felt warm. "Now, talk away. Comfy?"
I laughed and nodded. "I feel alone. I miss Nate, Stacey, and you...I feel as if I'm not your best friend or anyone at the time. It feels as if life has forbidden me to have fun. Why is that? Why? It feels as if it has all drifted away." I paused. "And no matter where I search...how hard I searched...I just can't find myself or that fun."
Taylor sighed. "Well, Jill, life isn't always fun. You're always going to have to know you can't face life with someone holding your hand. And all those times we shared are in your heart." He pointed to his heart and smiled. "Right there. And life will never be fun and games. This is the real world. And growing up is hard. But where the fun went is in your heart. It will never always be fun. It's rough, sometimes smooth." He paused. "I'm nervous about the wedding. What if it turns out Beth doesn't wanna get married to me."
"I talked to her...she says she loves you, and she sounded like she meant it. 'Cause marriage is a big step, and she wouldn't have said yes if she didn't love and she knows that marriage is a commitment. She knows, Tay...and she means all she says. I promise you nothing will go wrong. I can just see it."
"I love you Jill."
"I love you too, Taylor."
*****9*****
I helped Zoe color invitations that night. She invited me to also join her and her friends. I was to give them make overs. I wouldn't be alone. Beth and Jessica were helping. I couldn't handle six girls all together alone. She made me write them all since she said I could write better than her. Suddenly, she questioned me with a question that made me realize actually how I felt. That made me pay attention.
"Are you jealous over Beth, Jill?"
I opened my eyes widely and tried to color the invitation casually. I sighed. "Beth and I are friends..." I paused. She knew she wouldn't buy the conversation. "Okay, so I was kind of jealous."
"Why?"
"Well, because, sometimes people just think when they're best friends are happy and they're not, oh, I'm not gonna let that happen, but you know you have to. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how painful it may be, but you know life goes on and you have to let that happen. See I didn't want Beth and Taylor to marry at first, because I always thought of Taylor as a child. But we're growing up still...and things are gonna happen along the way. And you know you're gonna have to face it. You can't hang onto someone's shirt for the rest of your life..." I told Zoe, sighing. That made me realize I DID have a spot of jealousy that had not been taken away. And that made me realize how selifsh I was. So that jealousy did still tickle me. And it was now. I wanted to be happy for Taylor. I should be. I was still growing up. It sure is hard figuring out when you've reached the end. I don't know if I've reached that end yet.
*****10*****
I helped Diana and Beth hang up decorations Zoe's sleepover that Friday night. Taylor came home from work that afternoon, finding us hanging up the decorations. Beth stood on the ladder and bent down for a kiss. I pretended as if I didn't know they kissed, but that little place in my stomach turned all around. I continued hanging them up, but turned around and faced them as they kissed again. Taylor noticed me turn away funny. He smiled and went on his way.
I had to get over the fact I was losing Taylor. He was slipping through my fingers like thick mud that would soon be turned into water. Each day some of him got away from me. I couldn't ignore it. I just couldn't. But that was something I couldn't tell Taylor about. How I wanted to be so selfish at times and just kill Beth. Sometimes I wish I could let him know exactly how I felt. But no. This he wouldn't understand.
That night, I kind of forgot all about the jealousy and all about the selfishness of myself. Jessica and I were stuck with them all night long, but I didn't mind it. We painted toe nails, finger nails, curled and hair sprayed hair, put make up on them...just like old sleepovers us girls use to have.
Beth joined in when she delievered pizza boxes to Zoe's room. We pigged out on everything, and it was definetly making me feel wonderful. It made me feel ten again. We were going to sleep outside in tents and tell ghost stories. Beth tagged along. They were playing flashlight tag and were swinging glow sticks around. I stopped by Beth to take a break.
"Having fun?" I asked breathlessly.
"Yeah," she laughed. "You?"
"Heaps." I caught my breath some more.
We sat on the deck and watched girls out in the yard play around. I took my seat in front of Beth. She seemed to keep looking at me with a smile I've never recalled on her. She didn't have that cheery smile. Everytime I would look over at her, she would use that smile on me.
"Um, Jill, there's something I want to talk to you about," she told me. A couple of minutes went by. I still waited for her to finish what she wanted to say. "Zoe told me you use to be jealous of me...?"
I looked up at her. "She told you what -?"
"Oh, come on, Jill." She paused. "Don't you want Taylor to be happy with me? You're his best friend. You should be." Beth sighed, and looked me straight in the eye. "I don't know if you're trying to take him away from me or what, but it's not gonna work. I love Taylor from the day I met him and you or nothing you will do will ever take him away from me. Got that?" Again she paused. "You're his best friend, not his girlfriend."
"I'm jealous, I admit. I've always had a feeling that I couldn't let go of Taylor, and I realize I have to now. Because no matter how much it hurts me to feels as if I'm losing him one day after another, I'll have to sit in that audience in the church and watch him get married." I paused. "I want him to be happy, Beth. I want you to be just as happy with him as I was."
*****11*****
I had pretty much forgot what happened two days after Zoe's sleepover with me and Beth. So I agreed with Diana to go to Dorothy's Dress Boutique with her and Beth to pick out dresses. I also needed one for myself.
I looked at all the beautiful dresses. Diana and Beth were in the other room looking at dresses, so I went on my own way, looking at pretty dresses. I picked out one that was sky blue. It had shiny sky blue sequence on it around the waist and down at the bottom of the skirt. It was beautiful. And my size. And 200 dollars to be exact. I decided to try it on.
I came out of the dressing room and saw the look on Diana's face. "Oh, Jillian Marie, it looks wonderful on you. Doesn't it look just great Beth?" Diana walked over to me and examined me more closely.
"Yeah, perfect," Beth muttered as she tried on a beautiful white gown.
"You're not too bad yourself," I replied, seeing her looks. Taylor would definitely be amazed more than he would be of anyone when he saw Beth at the wedding. I could just see him now. "You look nice in that dress."
"Thanks," she mumbled back, looking at herself in the mirror. She smiled, seeming rather pleased. "Yeah, I guess you're right, Jill...it is lovely, don't you think?"
How I wished I could be in Beth's shoes...life would be so wonderful and it would feel like I had always got into the place I wanted. Not to only have Taylor, but to feel pretty like her. I gazed at her in the mirror, and then back at myself. She was tall. I was always the shortest girl in my class. I just can't let go of what I had that was good.
Beth decided to buy her dress, and I decided to buy mine. It would look lovely. When we got back to the Hanson household, Beth was immediately called back into work. She promised Taylor after this last meeting, she'd take the vacation time and come back. She had to be on the road with Wynonna Judd for the weekend, since she was her make up artist. The other make up artist was sick for that weekend, so Beth was traveling with her. I fell asleep when we got back on the couch.
~~~
I peered open both of my eyes, finding the living room empty and quiet. The ticking of the clock and the low mumble of the TV lowly cut down was all the noise that was being made. No one was there, all except for me. I went to the kitchen to find someone there, but no one was there. I saw a note lying on the table and I picked it up, reading what it said.
Jill -
Hey! Mom took Jessica, Noelle, and Hannah shopping for the night, and Zac and I went to play some pool. Taylor should be home soon. He is out grocery shopping and he stopped to rent a movie or two. We didn't want to wake you, so Taylor should bring home something good to eat. See you later.
Love, Ike
I sighed and threw the note down on the table. Taylor opened the door, shocking me. I turned around quickly and sighed, relieved it was only Taylor. "Oh, hey. You better have gotten something good," I said, helping him with the groceries.
"I did..." He smiled. "I got movies." He pulled them out. "And I also got food. And popcorn and sweets." Taylor laughed and I helped him unpack all the food. We ended up eating hot pockets and popcorn and candy throughout the movies. We laughed and I cried, and everything went well.
"So, did you like the movies?" I asked, and sniffled since my nose still ran a little from one of the movies.
"Yeah, they were great."
The silence poked me in my side again. I shifted in my seat and then looked over into Taylor's eyes who looked into mine. I felt my stomach flop and turn flips. I just felt myself lean in with Taylor and kiss his lips. I don't know if I wanted to kiss him, or if he wanted to kiss me, but I know he kissed me deeply back. His tongue played with mine... until the doorbell rang.
"TAYLOR! JILL! Help us! Our hands are full of bags!" Hannah cried from outside the door.
We quickly pulled apart. I looked down at my feet, and with out a sound I got up and opened the door for Hannah, Noelle, and Diana. I smiled at them. "Hi, did you all have a nice shop?"
"Did we," Diana laughed. "Have a nice nap?"
I laughed. "It was good."
That night, I just clutched the teddy bear Tay had won me at the carnival. I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. I had to control myself. Why did I let myself to that?! God, Jill , you're such an idiot. You're Taylor's best friend...not his girlfriend.
Those words stabbed my back many times. I tried to forget that kiss in my sleep.
*****12*****
The alarm clock didn't startle me. It was a week later, and I still thought about that kiss, but not as much as I did when it happened. I just reached over and hit the Snooze button,causing the alarm to shut off the beeping. I opened my eyes and heard the rain pounding down on garbage cans outside. I looked out the window and it rained once again.
Beth and I hadn't talked about Taylor lately, but she wanted me to help her plan for the wedding. Taylor seemed pleased for some reason that I was helping out. Their wedding shower was going to be a week before the wedding, and they would move out of their house to a new house in Tulsa. They were already packing, though the wedding wasn't until about seven or eight weeks.
Beth and Taylor were getting married in the backyard. Only about six or seven houses were built on the street we lived on, and it was very peaceful with lots of space. They had such a beautiful yard.
The rain had calmed down and the sun began to shine. Soon the grass and streets were dry. I went outside to sit on the swing and smoke a cigarette, when I saw Taylor, swinging too. He smiled. "Hi, Jill."
"Hey," I mumbled. I sat down beside him in the next swing and began to push myself back and forth. With one hand on the rope of the swing, and one holding my cigarette, I sat there silent. I looked out into the street, and saw nothing, but when Taylor called my name, I turned to him.
"Jill," he began. "I-I'm sorry. You know...about the kiss. I didn't have my head on right." He sighed and smiled at me, wondering if I was mad. We hadn't talked much since then. "You're not mad are you?"
"It's not your fault. No one was defending themselves," I replied. I smiled back at him. "I guess I might have not had my head on right either. My lips locked with yours, so it's really no one's fault." I sighed. "But we have to promise we don't do again...I won't let myself." I paused. "It's wrong..."
He smiled. "I don't know why I did it, but I apologize. Let's just forget about it."
"It's forgotten." I had been thinking about telling Beth - then she'd be gone for good, since this was Taylor's house. Then I said, JILL, YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT! But I didn't want to let that spoil Tay's happiness.
"Good."
Just like that, we went on with the day.
*****13*****
Yesterday, the kiss was completely forgotten. Maybe to Taylor it was forgotten, but not to me. I still dreamt about Beth, walking in on us, kissing. And then Taylor would say, "It's over, Beth." We would evily laugh. And Taylor and I would make love and...GOD! I'm out of my mind. My own best friend...Jill, you're such a sick, sick person. You came here to support your best friend, not to make love with him. I couldn't imagine myself to do that, it was just a wild, horrible dream. It makes me feel good though to express my mind to myself, but there's these voices...that "guilty conscience comes into play". The good little angel said to me last night in my dreams: "Jill, don't think naughty things like that..." Then the devil said: "Jill, cut that little angel thing out. You always get what you want. Go and get him." But I decided to listen to my little angel voice.
"Hey, Jill. Zoe and her friend Amiee wanna go to the park. Wanna come with me?" Taylor asked me the next morning. It was around eleven or so and I was bored as crap. So I tagged along.
We pushed Zoe and her friend on the swings and talked as they didn't pay attention and laughed.
The wedding was getting closer as time went by. This reminds me so much of the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" - I never thought I would end up in Julia Roberts place. Now I know how she feels.
"So, excited about the wedding?" I asked.
Taylor smiled a quick smile and shrugged. "Yeah, I'm excited...it's getting closer. I'm a bit nervous though. This will be the happiest day of my life, Jill. I'm glad you'll be there in the church with me. I never thought of myself in this place."
He was still like thick mud, going through my hands. A little of him slipped away like water each minute. I wanted to piece him pack together, but he was going fast. I had no time. I would have to face this. I can't the shirt on him everyday, so I cannot stay like that forever. Why can't I let go? I'll have to...
"I never did either. I didn't have much time to think about because I've been worrying about too many other things, pondering the meanings of other things, and looking over other things." I sighed. "But I'm happy for you." Was I lying?
"Thanks Jill. It's good to have a friend like you." I softly laughed. Yeah, if people could only read minds, you wouldn't say that... "You wanna go out to dinner tonight, Jill? Beth has another meeting tonight - her final one before her vacation. She won't be home until late."
"Oh, sure."
"Good." He paused. "I was about to mention The Crab Shack, but you're allergic to seafood. Where do you wanna eat? Anything's fine."
I smiled. I definetly didn't want to go to The Four Leaf Clover Grill. Nothing exciting there happened anymore. "I have no clue."
"Then how about Sonic? We can eat at the picnic table."
"Okay...fine by me."
~~~
"Did you see Beth's dress?" Taylor asked me that night as we ate our hamburgers. I had always wanted to work at Sonic and roller skate to people with their food, only I had no clue how to skate. So it didn't matter. But the roller skating was out of style.
"It's beautiful," I answered.
"Can you let me in on it?"
"No. You said you wanted to wait until the wedding to know and see. But my dress, on the other hand, you can know about."
"Show me when we get home. I'd like to see it."
"Okay."
We drove around for a bit and we changed our mind about going to the movie. "Is there any place in paticular you wanna go?" He asked me, as he stopped at a red light.
I shook my head. "No. What about you?"
It was silent for a moment. Taylor turned right and smiled. "Yes, I think so..."
*****14*****
"Let's go to the pond," Taylor told me, smiling. He pulled into the field that was completely dark, with the moon's eerie glow as the only light. He shut off the car and I remembered the lake. The lake we had swam in our whole life. We even had our first skinny dipping experience there.
I sat down by the lake and pulled off my shoes, setting my bare feet in the cool water. I smiled and laid back and glanced at the stars. A few moments passed by, and then I saw pants fly over my head.
I looked up and saw Taylor dive naked into the water. "Woohoo!" He yelled, splashing me with water.
"Taylor, are you nuts?!" I screamed. Whoa, what a wrong thing to say when you just seen him naked. "Um, oops," I muttered to myself. "ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
"No." He paused. "Come on in. The water's nice and cold."
I remembered I got him always to do everything my way. I flashbacked to when I made him skinny dip.
I remember taking off my clothes and falling face forward into the water. Taylor's mouth fell open. "God Jill, are you out of your mind?"
"Nope. Come in with me."
"NO!"
"I've seen you naked before. We've had bathes together, showers together, and we've ran around naked before. Why are you scared for me to see you naked when I've seen that scrawny body of yours before?"
Taylor frowned and sighed. "I'm not scared!" He paused. "I'm not scrawny either," he added.
"Then prove you're not chicken."
After a few minutes of standing and thinking, he took off his clothes and dove in.
"Please?" He softly asked.
"Taylor..."
"I skinny dipped for you. I went sky diving when it scared the crap outta me. And this is all I get? No thanks?" He paused and grinned one of those grins, like You-Know- I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Back grins. He always got me back one way or another. "I've seen you naked before, Jill. Prove to me you aren't chicken."
I sighed. I took off my clothes and fell into the water, suddenly not caring anymore. Taylor stared at me like he had never seen a woman's body before. "What?"
"Nothing." He paused. "I got an idea," Taylor told me. "You go to that end, I go to this one and then we see who can get back to the middle first."
"On your mark, get set, GO!" I yelled as we swam to our ends. We got back at the middle at the same time. It felt as if the silence kept poking me in my sides and shoving it's fingers into my skin, tickling my ribs. He took my hands.
"You've grown to be beautiful," he whispered after we sat silent for a few minutes.
We leaned in and kissed deeply. I enjoyed it, such a good feeling came over me. But I pulled away. "Taylor..." I groaned. "We can't do this." Again, my conscience came, and that little angel voice took over my brain. "You're getting married less than five weeks. This is ridiculous." I paused. "I can't keep letting myself do this! I've been trying to make myself stop. I've been wanting to do that all my life...just kiss you like that. And I wanted to be in Beth's place - but I can't be. And I won't let myself be." I sighed. "If I can make myself stop this, then I want you to, too. Because you know this is wrong. I do. And I've tried to stop being selfish, but I'm sorry, I can't stop that. I will always be a jealous and selfish person for the rest of my life." I paused again. "Let's just go back to the way things were. You're still my best friend... You get married, and I'll be happy for you. And we can forget this happened. We forgot it before."
*****15*****
I dressed myself and Taylor dressed himself. I told him how I felt. He didn't say anything back, but he said something as he put on his shoes. "You sure as hell didn't feel like that before when we kissed before this. Why be angry now?"
"Taylor, I've realized and put myself in Beth's place. If she knew what we have done, she would not only be upset, she would feel too awful to marry you. Wouldn't you be angry if you were her and knew?"
"But she doesn't know."
"Taylor, I don't care!" I screamed.
"What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me!?" I laughed and rolled my eyes. "If I wouldn't have made that promise and if I wouldn't have came home, I wouldn't feel like crap anymore."
He looked at me, with hurt in his eyes. I then thought about what I said in the car. I slammed the door as hard as I could and crossed my arms over my chest. I said something about the promise. That promise had held our friendship together. I wouldn't have had a shoulder to lean on if I wouldn't have made it.
He sat there in the driver's side of the car. He didn't start the car up or anything.
"Taylor...I didn't mean -"
"Get out of my car, Jill," he told me firmly.
My jaw dropped. "W-what?"
"Get out of the car! NOW!" he screamed at me, not turning away from his stare.
I felt tears in my eyes as his began to drop. Jill, what mess are you in this time? Now what have you done?
