I walked home that night, feeling terrible. I thought of that horrible thing I had told him. It ran through my head as I walked to the porch. It had been an hour since Taylor told me to get out. His car was there, parked in the driveway. My feet were aching from walking. I opened the door to his house, seeing Taylor, sitting on the couch. Tomorrow would be my mother's anniversary of death, and if I needed a shoulder to cry on, I would have chose Taylor's. But I tried to apologize.
He looked over at me, but didn't bother to say anything. If I were him, I would have probably done the exact same thing. I felt so awful. "I had a nice walk," I mumbled with sarcasm.
No laugh. Just a rude comment: "You deserved it." Though it was rude, it was true. I did deserve that.
I went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. If he were that mad at me, maybe he would've kicked me out the house. So it couldn't have been that serious.
That night when I slept in the bed, I tried to dream sweet dreams.
~~~
I ate breakfast without seeing Taylor's eyes stare at me. I woke with no good morning from him. He didn't make coffee, and his eyes didn't sparkle as much. He seemed only to talk to Beth and laugh around her. I ignored it, and got ready to go to the cemetery to visit my mother.
I bought a bouquet of roses and sat them on the tombstone that bright and shiny day. I got down on my knees and sighed, clasping my hands down on them. "Oh, mom...I bet you're proud of me. I've just about reached my accomplishment to be a photographer and get the heck outta France." I paused. "I know you're reading my mind, knowing that's not all I wanted to talk about.
"I can see you're saying, "Tell me all about how you said that to Taylor...", so I will. Well, Mom, I can't let go. I don't know how to. I've never let go of you or dad, so I don't know what it's like to let go of something you love." I paused again. "Well, you see, I love Taylor with all my heart. I know, and so do you, that what I said last night wasn't true. That promise actually made me feel great. And it brought me here, to be happy for my best friend." I felt tears fall from my eyes. I sniffled and looked up at the sky, and then down at my mother's tomb stone. "But mom, I really don't want to walk away from home again, and not say goodbye. I get myself into all kinds of trouble for no good reason, and things always, and I mean always have to mess up. I want a hug now, and no one is here to understand, because it's always my fault."
I stood for a moment and heard a sigh behind me. I turned around quickly to see Taylor, standing before my eyes. I turned away from him. "Hi," I said quietly. "I guess you heard everything."
"Yeah - I followed you here." He paused. "Look, Jill, I shouldn't have over reacted. I should have just been normal and talked it over with you-"
"Taylor, that promise means the world to me. Because you're that promise. And that promise brought me here." I smiled. I turned back to face him. "I just kind of got sick of doing that behind Beth's back. You know I love someone just as much as you love Beth. You would feel hurt too. And what I said about the promise was totally untrue. I'm so glad I made that promise. And if it weren't for it, I wouldn't be happy today." I paused. I walked over to Taylor and cried on his shoulder. "I wouldn't be here today if that promise wouldn't have been between us."
He hugged me back. "I just couldn't stand us being apart. I just love you too much to lose you again." Taylor sighed and looked into my eyes, taking a tear of mine, and wiping it away from my cheek.
"I love you, too," I whispered, finally feeling comforted.
*****17*****
Two weeks. Just two weeks until they got married. The wedding shower was being held today in the Hansons living room. I attended. I sat beside Taylor on the couch. He sat beside Beth and me, and he watched Beth open up all of the gifts.
"Ooh, wonder what this is," she asked herself, looking at the box. She ripped open the wrapping papers, and saw a big box, seeing a microwave on the side of the box. "A microwave! Thank you Diana!" She had gotten many kitchen appliances, and they got themselves a washer and dryer. They had bought their sofa and chairs and a coffee table not too long ago. I had went with Beth to pick out the couch, and it was rather nice.
They decided to move the shower up sooner. I was glad because it made me feel like the wedding was farther away. I still tried to make myself look happy. I also tried to make myself be happy for Taylor, even though I knew I could never be. But I had to get over it.
"Why don't you go do something with Jill, Taylor?" Beth asked him that night, as quietly as she could. I over heard the conversation. "I just don't want to cause an interruption in your friendship. She came here to spend time and to see you for the wedding. You and I have spent the week hanging all over each other, so go see her."
Taylor made his way into the living room. "Um, want to go for a walk, Jill?"
"Sure," I replied, setting the magazine down and following him out the door.
"The clock is ticking," I said, slowly taking a out a cigarette, but not removing my eyes from Taylor. "towards the wedding... It's almost here. I bet you're nervous - right?" I asked and smiled.
Taylor shrugged. "I guess. A little nervous. In front of so many people. I hope nothing goes wrong."
"Trust me. Nothing will go wrong," I assured him. He noticed the comfort in my voice.
He turned to me. "I'm really glad you're here," he said for about the millionth time I had been there.
Was I happy? Happy to see Taylor. Not happy to see him get married. "Yeh, me too," I said, staring down at my feet. I flicked the ashes off of my cigarette and made more appear as I took another drag.
The rest of the walk was silent.
~~~
Wedding rehearsal. It was a week later, a week before the wedding. I noticed that nervous look on Taylor's face. Even though I wanted to dispute in the wedding day, and object them to marry, I didn't want Taylor to be nervous enough to not do something special. To not marry Beth. I wanted him to do that, sure, but deep down I knew I didn't. Deep down inside me somewhere I knew I was happy for Taylor. They looked so beautiful together. It made me smile that day as I saw Beth's parents.
"Beth! Oh, it's so great to see you. Looks like you've lost some weight." I walked behind Taylor as he walked to greet her parents. She didn't look as if she had lost weight. She didn't need to lose any.
"Why hello Taylor," Mr. Harlington told Taylor, shaking his hand.
"Why there's my son-in-law!" Mrs. Harlington said, rushing over to Taylor. Beth's parents lived in Muskogee, Oklahoma, but were staying for this wedding rehearsal, then were coming back the day of the wedding.
Taylor blushed. I smiled. Diana walked up to them. "Joe, Faith, this is Jill, Taylor's best friend," Diana told them. I blushed. I was always so shy.
"Hello," I replied as they shook my hand.
I sat in the audience beside Mrs. Harlington. First the flower girl would go, and then the bridesmaids would go. As Beth walked down the aisle, herfather taking her down, I smiled. Mrs. Harlington looked as if she were about to cry. I softly giggled and then turned towards the front. I seen Taylor take Beth's hand. Beth smiled. The preacher was there for rehearsal.
They went over of what they were to do, and I watched and listened. Beth and Taylor leaned in to kiss. I sighed and smiled, standing up to clap. Though I wasn't happy, I was proud for them.
*****18*****
"Truth or dare," I said to Taylor that night as we laid in the treehouse. He laid beside me on the hard floor. I looked over at him as he looked over at me.
"Truth," he replied.
I sighed. "Are you happy?"
"Yes. I'm really happy. Today at rehearsal, I realized I could do it. I realized I wasn't nervous while looking to those beautiful green eyes of Beth's. I'm happy. That will be the happiest moment of my life." He paused. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth," I answered.
"Are you happy, Jill?"
I shrugged. "Half no, half yes." I was going to tell him how I felt. How I wasn't happy for him. "I know I should be. I know I really should be happy for you, but I'm not." Before he could say anything, I said, "I had never, ever imagined me, to grow up and come back here. I wanted to live in France all of my life, and never come home. But I love you too much to break that promise. I never imagined you, Taylor, to get married. I always thought of us as two kids forever, not worrying about marriage. But I told myself, "Jill, you're so lame." I had planned when I found out you were getting married, to ruin the wedding somehow. To burn the wedding dress the day of the wedding, to get the air out of the cars, or someway or another, I wouldn't let it happen. I told Zoe how jealous I was and I told her just how I felt. That's when I said, "Jill, why are you being selfish?" I HAVE to let this happen. I realize now life goes on, and I want the best for you."
"Jill, you and Beth are the most IMPORTANT things in my life. Why wouldn't you want me to be happy when this wedding will make Beth and I have a life together? This will be the happiest day of our lives."
I sat up. "I just don't know how to let go of you."
Taylor sat up also. He sighed, then took my hand. "You aren't letting go of me. I'm not letting go of you." He paused. "Beth isn't going to come between you and me. She isn't trying to pry us apart. Jill, as long as we made that promise, there's nothing to worry about. I'm there for you. You're there for me."
He was right. I hadn't realized that. I just realized things about myself, trying to overcome my jealousy and selfishness...and not to mention childishness. But I knew I would always be selfish, jealous, and maybe one day I could grow happy about it.
~~~
The next morning was another wedding rehearsal. I didn't stay for it, so I decided to go into town and look around. I looked at familiar places. Some had changed, and some stayed the same. I went into a clothes store that had some cute jeans in it. When I was prowling around in some jeans on the rack, someone said: "Jill? Jillian Austin?"
I quickly turned around and saw a familiar face. A face who I had never forgotten, but hadn't seen for a while. "That's me." I squinted my eyes and saw the look Jayla Morris had always gave me. "Jayla?"
"Jill, what're you doing back from France?" she asked me, giving me a hug.
"Visiting Taylor. Last I heard about you, you had twins," I said.
"Yeah, two boys. My husband and I decided to divorce, so they're at his house this weekend. Are you married, got a kid?"
"Nope, still single, still alone. I've got a boyfriend back in France," I replied.
"I went back to Jayla Morris after the divorce. I was Jayla Brice." She paused. "How is Taylor...?"
"He's getting married," I said, with a sigh. "I came back here for him, and I'm only staying about three weeks more. But let me tell you, half of me wants to stay here forever, Jayla."
"I wouldn't go that far, Jill." Jayla laughed. "I'm only here, staying with my mother until I can afford living on my own with my boys." She sighed. "Then, that is when I'll get the heck outta Tulsa."
"I didn't expect to run into you today," I replied. "I thought I would never see you again after I left for France..." I paused. "Why're you and your husband getting a divorce? I don't mean to be a nosy person, but -"
"It's fine," she answered. "Let's go to McDonalds or something because I'm starved and then I'll tell you all about it."
~~~
Poor Jayla. Her husband was abusive. My father was abusive to my mother and me. I can still feel his hand beating on my body. Shoving, pushing, punching, shattering - it made me shiver and think back...think back the night my father moved out.
"Get me a beer, Caroline," my father muttered to my mother who was sewing. I was upstairs in my room.
I put my ear to the door. I didn't want to go downstairs and get into any trouble. So I listened attentively to what they had to say. I crossed my fingers that nothing would go wrong. It was around ten o'clock or so. I had been reading a book.
"David, I really think that you should stop this drinking," Mom said as she went to the kitchen. "It's bad to do it around Jill."
"Jill loves me." I rolled my eyes. "She doesn't care. And why do you care anyway?! I'll drink a whole six pack in an hour if I wanted to, you fat ugly bitch !" I could hear something break. I covered my ears.
Fighting began. Yelling that was useless went on. They were both childish to not handle it in a mature way. I sighed, and went back to my bed and started reading, still hearing things break, but I ignored until I heard my mother scream. "Stop it, David!"
I ran downstairs and saw my father beating my mother in the back with a spatula. "STOP IT, DADDY!" I said, running over to him. He was drunk, and definitely was new at abusing. Mom hadn't mentioned anything about it to me. Daddy looked at me and smiled.
"My baby Jill," he said, rubbing my cheek. I backed up to the table and picked up the phone. He threw it out of my hand. I began to start crying. "Don't cry...don't cry, Jill."
"Daddy, please, leave me alone," I whispered.
He slapped me hard across my face and pushed me over the coffee table. He looked at my mother and me and then he slammed the door to go outside. We heard him squeal out of the driveway. Moments later, Diana came over to check on us. We never saw him again.
"And they arrested him once," Jayla said about her story. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I held them back. "I called the police about them abusing me. They got him just as he was about to leave. I pressed charges, and then, I said, "You cannot raise Josh and Christopher alone." So I took the charges back."
I drove home later that afternoon, remembering good times I had.
I had went to play over at Taylor's house for a day, since my mother had been called into work that Saturday for a meeting. But I didn't mind. When I arrived, Taylor and Isaac were playing around in the backyard with play guns. I went inside to get something to drink and Diana asked for me to hold Zac. He always drooled on me. I thought of him as a very gross and nasty baby, but he was cute. He was two though, but I couldn't handle baby spit. I always would throw a fit if he spat up on me.
"Tay and Ike are in the backyard playing a game," she said with a laugh, taking Zac from me and handing me my drink. I took a sip and then went off into the backyard to play with Taylor and Ike.
"ACK, BLAST 'ER! IT'S A PERSON FROM THE EVIL LAND!!!" Isaac shouted from the treehouse, with his hands balled into fists, but used them as his binoculars. I laughed.
"No, Ike, it's ME!!!! It's JILL!" I screamed back to him. Taylor ran to me and handed me a play gun.
"Come on, Jill, the enemies are coming. We already ALMOST lost Fred and Greg," he told me in a whisper. He grabbed my arm and guided me to the treehouse. I climbed the ladder and looked out the window. "Fred and Greg got shot in the arm. We're afraid Greg is too bad, so we'll have to cut his arm off." He pointed over to the corner of the treehouse.
"Ow," I said. Fred and Greg were just pretend people Taylor's wild imagination had created. So I played along. We were four years old, so it was the right age. It was fun to pretend.
Diana came out and put Zac in the sand box. We all watched, and Taylor moaned, "MOM, Zac always bothers us! And we're tryin' to play up here and down there!"
"It's his yard too, Taylor," Diana reminded him.
Taylor put an annoyed looked on his face. "Now it won't be as fun."
Isaac nodded. "Uh-huh, Taylor. Zac is our enemey." We put smiles on our faces and climbed down the ladder. I began to make shooting noises and circled around Zac.
"He's armed!" Taylor yelped. We took off in different directions. Zac sat confused, just digging in the sand. But he did let out a yell of happiness and clapped his hands. "HIDE!" I hid behind the tree and laughed. I ducked down on the ground.
My mind flashed back to reality. I laughed and then went back to Taylor's house.
*****19*****
"Jill, get up!"
I rolled lazily over and opened my eyes, seeing Beth. "What?" I mumbled. "Get out of my room..." I was still half asleep, so I rolled back over into the bed and smiled, trying to drift back to sleep.
"Jill, you're supposed to be getting ready..."
"What the hell," I whispered. I sat up and looked over at my calendar. The twenty fourth of May. The one reason I came to Tulsa was finally here. I looked over at Beth. "Shit," I muttered, getting up. "The wedding's at two and it's nine o'clock. Shit."
Beth left my room and I changed into my dress. I sat in the bathroom and put my hair back in a bun, letting two pieces of hair in the front hang down. I curled them, and my hair looked lovely. And so did I. We had made Taylor go to a hotel and dress that day. Taylor couldn't see Beth before the wedding.
I helped Beth get ready. Zoe, the flower girl, was having trouble with her head band. "But Mommy, it keeps scratching me!" She whined.
Jessica and Avery, who were bridesmaids, were getting dressed, and the maidren of honor, who was Beth's sister Amelia was helped me with Beth's dress.
"Nervous?" I asked Beth.
"I'm a wreck...Damnit! Everything has to be a handful on the happiest day of my life!" Beth complained as Amelia and I helped her with her dress. "The cake, the wedding set...GOD!"
"Hold still," I muttered.
"Sorry." Amelia went to help Diana with other things, and left me alone with Beth. "You know, if you wouldn't have came here, Taylor probably wouldn't have went through with it."
I looked up. "Excuse me?"
"I thought you two were gonna get married," she said with a laugh. "So thanks for coming. Taylor is the most, charming and caring man I've ever met, Jill. And he makes me so happy. He gets me smiling... He can help you with problems. That really makes me feel good."
"Now you know how I felt," I replied, smiling. "Even though I said I was upset you two were marrying, I know that I turn up happy in the end. And I never though that I would actually do it - come back here and watch him get married."
Two o'clock arrived so quickly. It was time, to watch him. To watch him get married. I saw him before the wedding, at the beginning. I went up to him and smiled.
"Good luck," I whispered. I sat on the Hanson side of the lawn and closed my eyes, waiting for the wedding to begin. I sighed and glanced at Taylor, and smiled back at me. Zac sat down beside me and smiled.
"Hey, Jill."
"Hey, Zac."
I watched Zoe come down the aisle, throwing flowers. Then Jessica and Avery came after her, and smiled out at everyone, waving, and laughing at themselves.
Taylor looked nervous, but he smiled when the music for the bride came on. Everyone stood up and looked at Beth, who walked down the aisle, being gave away by her father. She smiled and held her boquet of roses tightly and I saw her mouth, "Thanks."
"And who gives her away today?" the preacher asked.
"Her father," Mr. Harlington replied.
I smiled and continued to listen.
"Dearly beloved," the preacher began. "We are gathered here today in holy matrimony to celebrate the love of Jordan Taylor Hanson and Bethany Leigh-Anne Harlington." He went on about love, and then it came to the time to do the vows. They did their own.
"I promise to you, Bethany Leigh-Anne Harlington, that this commitment to you will stay true forever - through anything and everything, I promise I will always be there for you. No matter what," Taylor whispered to her, but you could hear him good enough.
"I promise to you, Jordan Taylor Hanson, that I will be with you no matter what happens. I will wait for you if you fall behind and I will stay true to you as long as we live together. I promise forever that you can always rely on me if you are in need. I'll love you no matter what," Beth answered, looking as if she were about to cry happily.
I bit my lip and smiled.
"I now pronounce you both Mr. and Mrs. Jordan Taylor Hanson," the preacher said with a smile on his face too. I could feel everyone smile that day. "You may now kiss the bride."
Taylor lifted up her vale and kissed her deeply. Everyone stood up and cheered, including me. Taylor let go of Beth and looked over at me and smiled. I smiled back and clapped my hands.
Then there was the reception. As they fed each other the cake, I felt myself become so happy. It was a tingle inside of me, and on my skin something tickled me. And something tickled me in my stomach also. But it was the joy of the day. My jealousy would be forever gone.
*****20*****
They said they were better off without taking a honey moon, and I was glad. I was leaving soon and I didn't want to go. It had been about three weeks after the wedding. I remember when I first found out he was getting married. With a fax to my apartment, that I looked at often, just remembering that look on my face made me smile.
"Jill, you got a fax!" Stacey called to me.
"Could you bring it to me?" I had to do the dishes.
"It's from Taylor!" She screamed back.
I sighed. "Just bring the fax to me!"
Stacey walked in as I dried off my hands. "You'll never guess-"
I snatched the fax from her hands and glanced at it. After I had read everything, my jaw dropped. "Holy crap, Stacey, Tay's getting married."
I laughed, and shoved the fax back in my bag. I was re-packing my things, ready to go back to France and finish up living there. I had no clue if I would come back to Tulsa ever again, but maybe I would change my mind.
Someone knocked on the wall, since my door was open. I turned around and faced who it was. Sure enough, it was Taylor, who was smiling at me. "Hey."
"Hey." I paused. "The wedding was lovely, don't you think?"
"Yeah," he replied. I still stuffed things in my backpack. "You know, I was going to totally give up the wedding." He sighed and put his arms around my shoulders. I looked up and looking at us in the mirror. His chin rested on my shoulder. "I knew I should have never trusted Beth." Taylor looked as if he were about to cry. I pulled away from him and looked in the eyes.
"What happened?" I asked.
He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. "Beth told me she cheated on me while she was on those little business trips." He shook his head. "I thought she loved me."
"Oh, Tay..." I whispered. "What happened next?"
"I told her to get out of my life. If she loved me, she would've told me before the wedding, instead of hurting me like that."
"Now you know how it feels," I replied. "You remember how we did those things behind her back? How we fooled around? That's what you usually get in return. It's like a big slap in the face." I paused. "But she told the truth." I just gave him a hug and I felt him cry on my shoulder. "Shh, don't cry."
"But I didn't sleep with you," Taylor told me. I still couldn't believe Beth. What a bitch. But I think Taylor knows how it feels now. I think he deserved it for doing things with me.
*****21*****
The day I was to leave finally had come, and Taylor drove me to the airport in my rented car. He told me he would catch a cab to get back to his house. We waited for my plane to be called.
"I don't want to go," I pouted.
"I know." He looked at my eyes and smiled. "I love you, Jill. You don't have to go back, do you?"
I didn't have to go back, no. I didn't. I was done with college, but I wanted to see Nate and Stacey, and I wanted to study more things over there. So I said, "Yeah, Tay, I have to go back. Well, not really have to, but I'd still like to study over there."
"C'mon, Jill," Taylor said, tugging at my shirt, holding me close to him. "Isn't this what you wanted?"
"What?" I asked cluelessly.
"You were jealous of Beth, and you wanted to ruin the wedding. And make us break up." He paused. "I don't think I really loved Beth at all. I don't think I was in love with her. I don't think I wanted to marry her, Jill."
"Taylor, what're you saying?"
"I think I loved you, Jill. I do love you."
This was what I had wished for. I just stared into Taylor's eyes, knowing that he knew this was always what I wanted. Could I finally be his? Could I stay with him forever and not let life bother me anymore?
"I-I love you, too." I heard the chior of angels sing "Hallelujah" as I kissed Taylor deeply, feeling his tounge go into my mouth as we stood there while my plane was being called. I put my arms around his neck and felt so lovely, just standing there, kissing him like I had always wanted.
next - and final chapters. ++ okay, so i do have a missing cell in my brain.
