USMC - A Slightly Lighter Side

In the beginning was the word. And the word was passed when the earth was without organization or field day. And upon the first day, God said, "Let there be light," and he called the light day and the darkness night, or mid. And God saw that they were good.

On the second day, God created the earth, the seas that cover the earth and the heavens over the earth. And God looked upon the earth and seas and heavens and saw that they were good. Except for some crummy spots in isolated areas of the earth. And God had an idea. God said, "Let there be little square buildings with no windows in those crummy spots and surround them with poles and wires." And God looked at his creation and saw it was about what he had expected.

On the third day, God created men and placed them on the surface of the earth and everywhere on the earth there lived man. Except for those crummy spots where men refused to live. And God said, "Let there be a special kind of men to live in those spots, and let them speak a strange language and tell no man what they do." And God created these men out of forged steel and said, "You shall be called 2600 Marines and you will think of yourselves as having special abilities and favors in my sight."

On the fourth day, God was awakened early by a great noise. And God saw that it was the Marines calling his name and crying that they had nothing to do. And God spoke to them and said, "Arise and go into the square building where I have set for you many wondrous devices covered with multitudes of knobs and switches. And you shall spend your days listening to the music of heaven." Saying this, God gave unto them the combination to the doors that they might safeguard it and live in peace until called upon to make war.

On the fifth day, God created the birds of the air, the beasts of the sea and every variety of plant and animal that liveth on the face of the earth. And God moved upon the earth and heard a great grumbling and complaining from the square buildings of the Marines. "We are too many," they said, "and cannot all fit into this place that you have made for us." God saw that they were indeed too many and divided them into three parts that one part may work during the day, another may work at night, and the third would rule over the other two. And then God saw that the sun had passed the Zenith and he had a second idea. God said, "Let there be training days." And a great lamentation arose from the Marines, for they had witnessed the death of their break days. Then God created the Training Chief, the ancient word for "maker of trouble".

On the sixth day, God was putting a few finishing touches on creation when once again His peace was interrupted by the loud complaining of the Marines. "Oh Lord," they said, "We keep the hours that you have set for us, but still find dissention and strife in our midst. We know not which one of us is to turn which knob or which of us should change the light bulbs." And God said unto them, "I will make of you a number of MOS's, and called their numbers 2621, 2629, 2649, 2674, and so on. Your numbers will prefix with 26, the number which standeth for those able men of rare intellect!" Thus did God create a hatred from other Marines for His SIGINT Marines.

On the seventh day, he rested and at the twelfth hour of the day, there again arose a great noise from the square building of the 2600's and God called his Angel "The Bringer of Light" to his side and spoke unto him. "I am in the midst of creating football games and wish not to be disturbed. Go thou and tend to those Marines and their problems. And Lucifer said, "Aye, aye sir" and departed from heaven to earth.

| TOP | BACK |

SGLI

The Gunny was assigned to the MCRD where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

| TOP | BACK |

Military - 1945 vs 2002

1945 - NCOs had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2002 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2002 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2002 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.
1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2002 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2002 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2002 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2002 - they collect your pee and analyze it.
1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2002 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2002 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.
1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.
2002 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2002 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.
1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2002 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
2002 - you go to the community center, and you can play pool.
1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2002 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2002 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart.
1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2002 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2002 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2002 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2002 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2002 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
2002 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').
1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2002 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

| TOP | BACK |

The Few, The Proud, The Marines

(A Story of Creation)

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom, and their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide hickeys on their necks. He also gave them sideburns and long hair. God nicknamed them “squids” and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folk would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them “petty” and “commodore” instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets too large, so that they might warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests – and all sorts of shiny things that glittered – and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away in a big way)

On the 5th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver’s uniform, especially for flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the “wild blue yonder wonders.”

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. And on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy. God was not happy!

So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in his own image, were to be of the air and of the land and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms – sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the shit out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing; he did not have a Marine uniform for himself! But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well – not everybody can be a MARINE!

| TOP | BACK |

A Conversation Between Marines

(This is supposed to be a true story.)

LCpl: "SSgt, is the Top going to be at this meeting?"

SSgt: "No - why?"

LCpl: "Because the guy intimidates the hell out of me. He is leathered, his hair never grows, he smokes 10 packs of cigarettes a day and never coughs, he's never sick, and he knows everything. There is something not human about that."

| TOP | BACK |

Murphy's Laws of Combat

Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.
Never draw fire it irritates everyone around you,
Try to look unimportant. The bad guys may be low on ammo.
The enemy diversion you've been ignoring is the main attack.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Suppressive fires--won't.
Friendly fires--aren’t.
Tracers work both ways.
No plan survives the first contact intact.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
- When you're ready;
- When you're not.
If you can't remember, then the Claymore is pointed at you.
If you're forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
Five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
If your attack is going really well, you’ve walked into an ambush.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
A “sucking chest wound” is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
Anything you do can get you shot. This is includes doing nothing.
Never forget -- your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
After you've secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Murphy was a grunt.

| TOP | BACK |

Your Family Might Be a Little Too Oorah if...

Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.
Your children are required to clear housing before going "TAD-Excess" to college.
You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your car's floorboard as a part of a tune-up.
Your minivan is equipped with blackout lights.
Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
Your kids use the "F" word at least five times in every sentence.
Your kids volunteer to pull Monitor Duty on the school bus.
Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
Your house has firing sector and distance sketches posted by every window.
You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
Your kids show meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rats.
You make your daughter sign out on a liberty pass on Prom Night.
Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."
Your wife "takes a knee" in the checkout line at the Food Lion.
You do your "back to school" shopping at the military surplus store.
Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "Third phase drop."
Your kids salute their grandparents.
Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your Commander's.
Your kids get a monthly LES for their allowance.
Your grandmother won "Squad leader of the year."
All your kids have names that start with 3/3,1/4, 2/6, MACS-5, etc.
Your pickup has your name stenciled on the windshield.
Your have ECR cards from each of your kids for their toys and other T/E equipment.
Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.
Your wife keeps B-Rat service utensils in the China cabinet.
Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
You call your in-laws "those Regimental Staff pogues."
You and your kids sing PT cadence songs when traveling, just to pass the time....
Your dog's name is "Recon."
You bum "dips" from your four-year-old daughter.
All your possessions are military issue.
Your kids call their sandbox "The Stumps."
You have pull-up bars outside your front door.
Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
Your kids pull firewatch.
Your newborn's first words were "Good to go, Sir!"
You removed the lower branches from the trees in your yard to clear your fields of fire.
You have an Ops calendar and a POD posted on the kitchen (CP) wall.
The standard command when you get in the family vehicle is "Count, off!"
You hold regular "Health and comfort" inspections of your kids' rooms.
You refer to your property line as the Line of Departure.

Semper Fi!

| TOP | BACK |