Disclaimer: I’m just having a little fun with some characters, no copyright infringement is intended. As we all know these characters are owned by AMC (insert your own meaning for those initials) even if they don’t deserve them. Please take this story with several grains of salt. Rodney and Mike have already read it, and they are not ready to string me up at the nearest tree, so please laugh. Thank you to Jess for the name Finch N. Chips and to Biz and Dani for being the best audience. A very big thank you to whomever came up with the name Mark Jerkis. I hope you don’t mind my using it, and I trust you will like what I did with Mr. Jerkis. This story also contains several references to Disney films and Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods. If there is something you think is really odd, run to the store to buy a copy of the Broadway cast of Into the Woods and enjoy the soundtrack. Hope you like it. :) Enjoy!
Italics denotes thoughts.
Snow Betty and the Seven Guys Courting Disaster, Part I
by Diane Marlo
Once upon a time in the far away village of St. Pitt lived a Princess who was much adored. She was the most popular person in the palace in which she lived, but alas, the Princess Bettarina was very woeful. For even though she had the adulation of almost everyone in the palace, her wicked stepmother, the evil Queen Gerssie, was often mean to her. Bettarina didn't know why the Queen disliked her so. She was always perfectly behaved. Bettarina thought perhaps the Queen did not like her own name and that was why she was so mean.
Through it all the Princess Bettarina managed to soldier on even with her horrible cross to bear. She entertained the other members of the court by writing stories and skits that they would perform. Most of the court thought they were the luckiest people alive to be in a Princess Bettarina show. All except for the Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall. They both thought her works to be drivel, but they kept that to themselves.
Queen Gerssie tried many different plans to get the Princess out of her life forever. She consulted her magic mirror every day, and every day the spirit of the mirror gave her another plan. She called to the mirror using the words only she knew.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall tell me how to plan Bettarina’s downfall.”
Through the mists of time a face finally appeared in the mirror. It was the Wizard of Eldrangnia. He had been captured and imprisoned by the evil Queen Gerssie many years ago and for this he was a little angry with her. But he answered her question day after day, if only for his own amusement. The Queen’s pomposity really annoyed him and he liked to toy with her without her even knowing it. She once again demanded a scheme to get rid of the Princess. The Wizard considered a few options and then giggled to himself at the plan chosen to present to the Queen.
"Well, Queen Gerssie, why don’t you try soaking her long johns in cold water with just a teaspoon of peroxide. That should do the trick.”
The Queen thought this was a perfectly ridiculous idea, but she would try anything to get rid of the Princess and so off she went to prepare the Princess’s laundry. After she left the Wizard laughed out loud and mumbled something about buying the palace after the Queen died, and he was freed from the mirror. Alas, he knew he could be freed from the mirror only if his trusted apprentice, the Knave Folet, ever recovered his capacity for speech. The Queen had usurped the Knave’s voice and kept it locked in a seashell and hidden in a secret drawer in her desk.
Ah well, the Wizard thought, “at least she could have turned me off before she left. But she didn’t so he just hung around for a little while.
Queen Gerssie took care of the Princess’s laundry personally. She wanted no mistakes with this delicate operation. She made a big show of presenting the drawers to Princess Bettarina before she retired for the night. The Princess was thrilled. She thought it was a lovely gift the Queen was giving her, and she thought maybe the Queen did not hate her at all. She had a blissful night’s sleep and told the Queen that at their sumptuous breakfast the next morning. Queen Gerssie was not amused. She decided she had had enough of the mirror’s suggestions and was determined to think of a plan of her own.
She walked down to one of the three rivers that flowed past the palace and paced until she was interrupted by several phone calls. She hated it when she was called away from her musings on how to dispose of the Princess.
Finally the Queen had a brilliant idea. She would use one of the shows that the Princess was always writing to her own advantage. Queen Gerssie decided she would take one of the shows on the road and somehow forget to bring the Princess home when they returned. She announced the public part of her plan at dinner that evening. The whole court would take one of the plays to the marketplace and perform it for an audience of peasants. The Lady Hilariat immediately balked at the suggestion and made it clear that she had absolutely no intention of performing for peasants. After all, she was the Lady Hilariat, of course. She was a star! Hadn’t they all seen her in The Friends? This was everyone’s cue to say, “Yes, Lady Hilariat, we saw you and you were wonderful.” Queen Gerssie agreed that if the Lady did not wish to perform, she would not have to, but Princess Bettarina would play her part. The Lady Hilariat would not hear of that either, so she reluctantly joined the troupe.
Queen Gerssie sent a proclamation to her entire Queendom demanding their attendance at this special event, whether they were viable or not. Everyone obeyed because when the Queen talked, people listened. The whole court was involved in the production of the play. The play chosen was entitled, "The Feet of Time". In it Lady Hilariat played Lizzy Martin and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall, played her husband the oft-amnesiac, Brendan. The perennially Lady-in-Waiting Breugenia played the lute, and her secret love, the Knave Folet, was in charge of the technical aspects of the show.
After the performance Queen Gerssie sent the troupe out to talk to the crowd. Lady Hilariat did not mind that since she could sign a multitude of autographs. However, she did become annoyed when the peasants ignored her and flocked to her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall.
As the troupe mingled, the Queen supervised the packing of the wagons that were parked out of sight behind the stage. She then boarded everyone except the Princess. Queen Gerssie ordered her lackey, Herb Pitman, to gather the cast and crew by shouting, "Last call for boarding! This is the very last call for boarding!", just softly enough so Princess Bettarina would not hear the yell above the din of the crowd. No one in the wagons noticed she was missing because everyone thought she was on a different wagon.
Indeed the Princess Bettarina did not hear the call, nor see the wagons depart since she was distracted by a fortune teller’s tent. She had entered the tent and found an auburn-haired woman wearing a full red skirt and white blouse. A purple silk shawl thrown around her shoulders completed her couture. She was seated at a circular table. On the table there was a midnight blue cloth strewn with gold stars. She had a crystal ball on the table and beckoned to the Princess as she stood hesitantly just inside the parted curtains.
"Please come in, seeker of truth. My name is Mabel. Most people say Maple, like the syrup, but I say, no, it’s Mabel, as in Mabel, you know?”
The Princess most certainly did not know and was very confused. She started to leave, but Mabel went over to her and led her toward the table. (The Queen had promised Mabel a hefty reward for keeping the Princess occupied, and she did not intend to let that just run out of the room.)
"I can see you have many questions about your future."
The Princess was indeed interested in what would happen to her. She wondered if she would ever escape from the evil Queen Gerssie, and if she would ever find her own true love and live happily ever after. Sometimes her life seemed so bleak. The Princess Bettarina willingly sat down across from Mabel. Mabel was a pretty experienced actress herself and answered every question the Princess asked, and then some. The Princess’s first question was about her ideal love. Mabel made quite a show of ‘seeing’ visions in the crystal ball. She told the Princess Bettarina that she would soon be surrounded by ardent admirers. The Princess was very happy about this. Sometimes her life at the palace was so dreary she almost screamed. Mabel also told Bettarina that she would indeed be freed from the evil Queen Gerssie. The Princess could not believe this, and asked how this might be possible. The Princess was secretly hoping that the Queen would announce her retirement, and was disappointed when all Mabel said was, "In a way you would least expect it." The Princess had no idea what to make of that answer, it made absolutely no sense to her. She kept asking more and more questions and kept getting more and more crazy answers.
After quite some time the Princess gave up in frustration and left. She had no idea how long she had been at Mabel’s table, and was extremely surprised to find that night had fallen during the time she was in the tent. Since Mabel had so many candles lit, it was impossible to tell that the sun had set for the night while one was still inside the tent.
The Princess Bettarina was very confused. She had no idea what to do. There was no one else in the marketplace. The wagons, the troupe, and when she went back into the tent, Mabel too, had all disappeared. She tried to find someone who could help her return to the palace.
She walked toward a building on the other side of the square that had some candles burning in the windows. She tries to read the sign hanging by the door, but it was in such disrepair she could only make out the letters “O’MA.” Not knowing what that meant she entered the building. She saw several men seated in chairs scattered by a fireplace. She also saw a man standing behind a counter pouring liquids. She smiled and walked over to him since he seemed to be in charge. Since she was so thirsty she thought she might ask for some milk. As she walked over to the other side of the room the men by the fireplace started calling out to her.
"Hey, look fellas, a new one!", yelled one of the men.
"She looks awfully innocent,", said another, "And I like ‘em that way!" he added.
"Come over and sit on Santa’s lap," said a third with a gleam in his eye.
Princess Bettarina did not know what to make of all this. She had never been addressed in such an odd manner, and it was no where near Christmas. She tried to continue over to the man pouring the liquids, but the man who asked her to sit on Santa’s lap got up and walked over to her.
“My, what pretty eyes you have, my pet," he oozed.
The Princess was quite pleased with her eyes and thanked the man for his "compliment".
The man continued, "What pretty teeth you have too," he leered. He grabbed Bettarina’s arm and she gave out a little shriek. She was suddenly very alarmed. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the man who had called out to her first when she entered the pub pull himself away from the fireplace and start toward them.
"Hands off her, Roly!" Gaston said.
Princess Bettarina thought this man was her hero and was very relieved, but then he continued "I saw her first, she’s mine!" and he grabbed the Princess’s other arm.
Poor, poor Princess Bettarina was so scared. Roly had had more than enough to drink and would not surrender his conquest that easily. He punched Gaston with his free fist and Gaston punched Roly right back. Then they both let go of the Princess and a free-for-all ensued in the pub. Once Bettarina realized she was freed from the mens grasps she ran out of the pub. Some of the other men saw her leave and decided it would be more fun to pursue her than it would be to stay there and be punched, so they ran after her. Princess Bettarina heard the men chasing her so she ran down the closest street she could find.
She continued to run through the twisting streets until she was out of the village and on her way to the forest. She had only a vague idea of where she was. She knew she was not headed in the direction of the palace, but to turn back in that direction was to head back to the carousing men and she most definitely did not want to do that. She could still hear them running after her so she did the only thing she could and ran into the woods.
Princess Bettarina saw the moon rise higher in the sky and realized she had been running for several hours. She stopped for a moment by a gentle stream to soak her feet. She had not heard the men following her recently and felt slightly safer. Unbeknownst to her they had all passed out some time ago from the alcohol they had previously consumed. After the Princess paused for refreshment she resumed her foray into unknown territory. She ran until she dropped from exhaustion and fell asleep muttering something about "butterfly shrimp".
The Princess was awakened in the morning by something licking her forehead. She sat straight up and screamed. Then she opened her eyes and laughed when she saw she was surrounded by various woodland animals. It had only been a deer that was licking off a leaf that had fallen on her during the night. Princess Bettarina then remembered her predicament. She was perplexed concerning how to proceed. She had no idea where she was or how to get back to the palace. She sighed and said out loud,
"Well, I guess I should just start back the way I came." She did not fear heading back to the village, for she did not hear the men and figured they must have given up on her.
A gray bunny said out loud, "You could go that way, but most people find the other way just as nice."
Princess Bettarina looked down at the bunny and said (for of course she could talk to the animals),
"Yes, that way looks nice too."
A squirrel put in his two cents worth in by quipping, "Follow the yellow brick road."
"Ha ha, very funny," the Princess replied. If only she had a pair of ruby slippers. She thought that Dorothy always had the best luck. Here she was in the middle of nowhere, no Glinda, no munchkins, only a bunch of sarcastic animals. But the Princess was determined to get back to the palace so she got up and brushed off various other pieces of flora that had fallen on her during the night. A bluebird descended from the sky.
"Zip a dee doo dah," he started, "Zip a dee ay," he continued, "My oh my what a wonderful day."
By this time the Princess was getting a little peeved at this annoying little bird. That is until he said, "My, oh my, I can help you find the way."
This last line intrigued the Princess very much and followed the bluebird in its flight. She did not think to ask it where it might be taking her, she just assumed he would take her home. She followed the bird through the forest with the rest of the animals trailing them. They walked for most of the morning until they came to a clearing in the woods with a stream running through it. On the other side of the stream was a house. It was a rather large house for being in the middle of nowhere, but it was certainly better than nothing. The Princess crossed the bridge to the house and knocked on the door. She hoped whoever answered would let her use the phone. There was no answer to her first knock. She repeated the knock more loudly. There was still no response. The Princess concluded that there was no one at home, so she sat on the steps and waited for someone to return.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, everyone had by now realized the Princess was missing. Most of the court followed Queen Gerssie’s faked lead in the frantic search for Bettarina. The exceptions to the search were the Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall. They would not look for her since on the way home from the performance the previous day they picked up a wandering minstrel named Ruperth. Ruperth was producing scripts that suited the acting duo’s style much better than Bettarina’s ever did, so they weren't troubled by her absence. They may have been troubled by her loss as a person, but they both knew that the Princess always managed to fend for herself, and would therefore find her way back to the palace without any help from them.
Queen Gerssie took a break from her false concern for Princess Bettarina to consult the Wizard of Eldrangnia on the whereabouts of the Princess. She hoped to find out that the Princess had come to some wicked end, but was disappointed when the Wizard told her the Princess sat on the doorstep of the Seven Guys Courting Disaster.
"The Seven Guys Courting Disaster!" the Queen screamed. "That’s preposterous!" She was very angry that her plan to be rid of Bettarina permanently had failed. She knew now that she would have to take matters into her own tentacles (oops, sorry, I’m in the wrong story)...um, to carry out this plan to its deadly end. She stormed out of her chamber and down to the palace kitchen all the time muttering, "Who the heck are the seven Guys Courting Disaster?!"
Darn, she left me on again, thought the Wizard, and he hung around some more. This was quite tiresome for him because by the time the Queen returned to send him away his cocoa was always cold.
The Queen threw everyone out of the kitchen and sent them on a wild goose chase to help search for the Princess. She had decided she was going to make up a special batch of Bettarina’s favorite snack, peanut brittle. But this candy would have a special secret ingredient, a death potion the Queen had learned when she was just a child. She made sure she included lots of peanuts as well.
Back in the woods Princess Bettarina heard the sound of singing heading toward the house. "Ho hum, ho hum, it’s home from work we come." A line of seven men proceeded to the house. Led by Vic, a distinguished looking man wearing a fedora, the line halted abruptly, almost causing all of the men to bump into each other. Skeet, a man with dark hair and a permanent twinkle in his eyes, peered around from behind Vic to see why they had stopped.
The other men in the line were also puzzled. C. Muldoon, a shorter man with sad eyes followed Skeet in the line. Behind him were two European looking men with slicked back hair and pencil thin mustaches, named Finch N. Chips and Vodner VonValker. Dougy, with dreamy eyes and sandy brown hair was next, and the youngest of the group, Deejay finished the line. Vic had stopped because he noticed someone seated on the doorstep.
By Jove, that looks like.....a woman!", Vic exclaimed. The others could not really believe this but they rubbed their eyes, checked the sunlight, compared notes and came to the same conclusion.
By this time the Princess had grown tired of waiting for the men to approach. She walked over to them and asked, "Is there a phone around here I might use?" The Guys were suddenly stricken by a strange affliction. It was as if the vision in front of them, who seemed to glow with a supernatural light, had cast a spell on all of them. Each and every one of the Courting Disaster Guys was transformed into a sycophant capable only of catering to Bettarina’s every whim. They were so dumbstruck they could not even answer her. The Princess wanted to get away from the seven Guys as soon as possible. They seemed to have lost all capacity for thinking logically and she had no time for them. She pressed the issue. "Do you men live in the house over there? And if so, do you have a phone I might use to call the palace?”
Vic, who was unjustly accused by many for lacking emotions, somehow recovered his capacity for speech and said that yes the men did live there, but they had no phone she could use since all of the phone lines were dedicated modem lines. However, she could certainly use the email, or the chat rooms.
Shoot, thought the Princess, the evil Queen Gerssie is too old-fashioned to even own a computer. She sighed and explained this to the Guys.
Finch N. Chips cleared his throat and suggested that perhaps they could help the Princess back to the palace. After all that’s what they did, it’s what they lived for, to help poor unfortunate souls like herself. Why just that day they helped a childless baker and his wife find a cow as white as milk, a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn, and a slipper as pure as gold. The hair was the hardest part since they had to pull it off a maiden in a tower. The exasperated Princess would take any help she could get at this point.
And back at the palace...The evil Queen Gerssie had almost finished making her peanut brittle. As she was mixing the final ingredient into the recipe she recited the spell, "Superdupercali perfidiousfragilistic egregiouslyoverlooked expavla pialinarickshawdocious." The Queen drew a deep breath after saying the terrifying tongue twister and vowed to get the people who wrote the incantations, and their little dogs too. Gerssie checked her special spell book to make sure there was no antidote. She happily discovered nothing, except a small footnote concerning love’s first kiss. That provision was only in effect when the potion was used on apples. The Queen scoffed and wondered who would be silly enough to use the potion with apples. Queen Gerssie finished her preparations and wrapped the peanut brittle in a white paper bag to bring it to the Princess.
The Queen journeyed out of the palace unaccompanied by any guards so she would not have any witnesses to her plot. She knew it was not very safe to venture out alone since a little girl in a red cape stopped by the palace one day to report some wolves in the woods. Wolves did not frighten the Queen. After all the girl did say the wolves were nice, but then cryptically added that nice was different than good.
The Queen was just past the halfway point to the house of the seven Guys Courting Disaster when she saw a strange structure through the trees. She decided that the Princess could live for a few minutes more, and went over to check it out. Upon closer examination she saw the structure was at one time a refreshment stand for an old drive-in movie theater. She saw what was left of the screen being slowly ripped apart by the tree branches growing through it.
Inside the old refreshment counter she saw someone, or was it something, move. She hid behind a tree and tried to see what was going on inside the building. There was one person inside the building. At least the Queen thought it was a person. It had a human head and the body of an ape. Queen Gerssie decided this "thing" was not a threat and since it was moving some boxes around beneath the counter of the stand it had not yet noticed her. She walked up to the counter and knocked on the stainless steel. The creature banged its head as it tried to stand up too quickly. The Queen could now see it was a person in an ape suit. She stifled a laugh and asked the "ape" what he was doing.
"Name’s Mark Jerkis, ma'am. I was just put in charge of this place and now I’m remolding it in my own image. Used to be a really nice place, but now I’m developing a niche market. Y’know, like soap operas for people who aren’t romantic, quiz shows for people who aren’t smart, weather channels that give reports for places you won’t be going to, that kind of thing. I’m making a drive-in theater for people who don’t like movies. I’ve got plenty of really bad movies to keep the place open for years." Mark Jerkis scratched his head as he continued, "Only problem is I also happen to own the rights to some really good programming. I have no idea what to do about that stuff. Throw it in a box in the corner, I guess."
The Queen heard more than enough from this not-so-discerning lunatic and turned to leave his happy little world. She was no more than a few steps away when Jerkis exited the stand and started after her. "Maybe you could help me re-open the place,", Jerkis shouted desperately. He was having trouble finding backers for his venture and did not want anyone to slip through his fingers. The Queen started to pick up her pace, but Jerkis kept up to her.
"I know I can make this place turn a profit. How can I miss with such a great concept? When we show ape movies, we can dress up in ape costumes, just like I am right now. I’m testing out the idea. Whaddaya think?", Jerkis called out after her.
The Queen’s only reply was to run faster. She eventually lost Jerkis when he had to stop due to the extreme heat generated from running in an ape suit.
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