Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Austin: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Austin: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath?
Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a 'how's your father'!
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?
Austin: Sake it to me baby!
Scott: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Scott: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott : All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott : There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott : I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott : Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott : But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Austin: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
Austin: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
Vanessa: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin: What's your point, Vanessa?
Austin: what say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE!
Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth
Austin : She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride
Austin : That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa: How can you tell?
Austin : I never forget a pussy... cat
returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin : to Vanessa That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin : I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin : I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
Vanessa: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin : No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa: What?
Austin : I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa: Did you used protection ?
Austin: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin : No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin : Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
Austin : Yeah, baby, yeah
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. guard starts dipping mechanism Close the tank!
Scott: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott: You always do that!
Scott: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What!
Frau: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"
filling out a form
Austin : Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
Austin : Allow myself to introduce... myself!
Austin : Judo chop!
Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated
Austin : Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa: No.
Austin : That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa: No.
Austin : It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa: Hmm.
Austin: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa: Okay, that'll do.
Austin: Okay.
Vanessa: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin : No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
Dr. Evil You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: pause Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
Austin : That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Austin : Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
Austin : Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
Scott: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin : Or sometimes not at all.
noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: raising binoculars Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls. looking up from game What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: squints Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?
Austin: So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go back and look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to the '60s? goes cross-eyed Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. to camera That goes for you all, too.
Austin: Yes.
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
Austin: How could you sleep with Fat Bastard?
Felicity: I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Scott: both are the Jerry Springer show How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough. audience boos Well it's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.
Robin Swallows: Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?
Austin: Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!
Felicity: Austin Powers, I presume.
Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
Austin: Oh, be-have.
Felicity: Not if I can help it.
Dr. Evil: As the French say, that certain "I don't know what".
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"?
Austin: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
Felicity: Move over, Rover. This chick is taking over.
Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some...? Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: RARRR. Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
Dr. Evil: deep voice Austin, I'm your father.
Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin: Right. Idiot, yes
Fat Bastard: to Felicity Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. on the verge of tears I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself. Farts
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do. pauses I'd probably move on, get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable
Dr. Evil: about his new "laser"You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott snickers What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Nothing. pretends to sneeze Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you.
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend. snaps fingers Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.
Dr. Evil sings to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just the two of us"
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone,
I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone.
An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings,
my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing.
I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family,
head an evil empire just like his dear old dad,
give him my love and the things I never had.
Scott would think I was a cool guy,
return the love I have, make me want to cry,
be evil, but have my feelings too,
change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou.
But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie,
life is cruel, treats you unfairly,
even so, a God there must be,
Mini Me, you complete me.
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?
Felicity : So Austin tell me about the future.
Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by DAMN DIRTY APES.
Felicity: Oh My God.
Fat Bastard: to Mini Me I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly
Ivana: My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot
Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming
Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it's SQUIDGY. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?
Felicity: I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it
Austin: Shut up, you bastard... who is fat...
Fat Bastard: after Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch Owwww... Right in the mummy-daddy button.
Austin: I don't care if he is a fat bastard, Felicity, you don't kick a man in the pills... it's just not cricket.
Dr. Evil: Mini-me, we do not gnaw on the kitty.
Fat Bastard: rubbing his nipples I'm dead sexy. Look at my sexy body. Would you like to have another go? 'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back.
Fat Bastard: about Mini-me Jesus Christ, he's tiny! I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.
Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are VITAL to the country. Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir. Under his breathMister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says. louder Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.
Austin: picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard insideBasil, this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It *is* shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good then it's not just me. Drinks, Smacks lips It's a bit nutty.
Vanessa: Do you smoke after sex?
Austin: I don't know, baby, I never looked.
Frau: both on the Springer show Scott, your are my love child with Dr.Evil.
Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
Frau: Lies. ALL LIES!
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Austin, Felicity: Surprised
Felicity: That was easy.
Austin: That "was" easy.
Austin: Oops. I did it again, baby.
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.
Dr. Evil: comes over to GoldmemberHow 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
Goldmember: I'm from Holland. Isn't that vierd?
Dr. Evil: Are those fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?
Mini-Me: writesAre you a clone of an angel?
Foxxy: Ohhh how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not.
Mini-Me: writesAre you sure you don't have a little clone in you?
Foxxy: Yes I'm sure.
Mini-Me: writesWould you like to?
Fat Bastard: Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.
Britney Spears: Is it true what they say about you? Mini-me whispers in her earKickstand? Can I give you my cell phone number? Please?
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen! Laughs, then notices he isn't getting any laughs from his submarine crewNo? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...
Foxxy: Well, the future better get ready for me. 'Cause I'm Foxxy Cleopatra, and I'm a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN
Fat Bastard: looking at the toiletWhat? I didn't have any corn!
Nigel Powers: rubs throatOw...
Austin: What's wrong with your neck?
Nigel Powers: I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I've had a stiff neck for hour. With Austin I thank you!
Austin: to a Japanese industrialist named Mr. RobotoDomo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Foxxy: Sha-zam.
after being struck in the groin by a meteor prop
Dr. Evil: All right, let me find my balls, for God's sakes. 1, 2... and 3, okay; I'm okay.
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's fahza.
Dr. Evil: His what?
Number 2: His fahza, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: His farger? What's a farger?
Goldmember: His fahza. You know, the fahza.
Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
Goldmember: Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.
Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*
Nigel Powers: So, er, little fella, I was wondering... is everything... in proportion... down there?
Mini-Me: nods unsure
Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
Mini-Me: unzips his pants
Nigel Powers: My lord! you're a tripod. What you been feedin' that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
Mini-Me nods, smiling
Nigel Powers: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
Goldmember: What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater! And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is bad news bears, talks in a deep vioceWalter Matthau.
Foxxy: You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
Austin: Oh, I hope there's a search involved
Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go! Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predictedJudo chop. Judo chop.
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Henchman Sailor: approaches warily
Nigel Powers: Do you know who I am?
Henchman Sailor: nods
Nigel Powers: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
Henchman Sailor: nods again
Nigel Powers: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?
henchman falls down
Austin Powers: You know, Dr. Evil, I have always thought you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts. speaking to the cameraI thank you.
Japanese Man 1: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws - it's not.
Japanese Man 1: STILL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: Though it isn't. Winks at Camera; both scream and run away
Austin: Your spy car's a Mini?
Nigel Powers: It's not the size mate, it's how you use it.
Fook Mi: runs to AustinAustin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
Austin: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
Austin: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this! turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag
Austin: Oh! Your name's Fook Mi!
Fook Mi: Would you like a drink? runs away to get drink
Austin: Actually I have a private bar...
Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives
Fook Yu: Here you go! gives him drink
Austin: thinking she's Fook MiFook Mi, that was fast!
Fook Yu: Fook Yu!
Austin: Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy: Tell me something I don't know.
Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy: Say what?
Austin: That's something you don't know.
Steven Spielberg: So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah. LaughsHaving said that, I do have some thoughts.
Steven Spielberg: holding an OscarReally? Well, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo babe, yeah. Hit it.
Austin: Like I'd ever let Goldmember get away.
Foxxy: entering shotAustin? Goldmember's getting away.
Austin: Nice to mole you... meet you. Nice to meet you, Mole. to Foxxy as Basil & The Mole leaveDon't say mole.
Foxxy: Now stop.
Austin: I said mole.
Foxxy: Stop.
Basil gestures him to hush
Number Three: Bye.
Austin: Mole. Basil & the Mole try again to leaveMole. Basil warns him again to hushMole.
Basil Exposition: Oh, shut up!
Austin: Basil and The Mole walk out and Austin lets looseMoley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
Austin: A what?
Goldmember: A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz? No? Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
Austin: That's not right...
Number 2: While you were in space, I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money, and still maintain the ethics and the business practices of an evil organization. I have turned us into talent agency; the Hollywood Talent Agency.
Austin: You're insane, Goldmember.
Goldmember: And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it muttersKC and the Sunshine Band.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, can you continue with your plan?
Dr. Evil: Of course, Number 2, our plan is SCOTTY DON'T.
Scottl: Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass.
Scott: to Dr EvilI hate you. to AustinI hate you. to FoxxyI don't even know you but I hate you too. to Mini-MiAnd I ESPECIALLY hate you. runs away
Dr. Evil: I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl
Dr. Evil: Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... no one can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.
All laugh maliciously
Austin: Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil: Shit
Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H. Scott snickersWhat?
Scott: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau: Yah. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good. Scott resumes snickeringWhat is it now?
Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.
Austin: Smashing, Basil. A pimp-mobile.
Basil: Yes, yes. I knew it would tickle *your* fancy.
Austin: What can I say? Grabs dice on rear-view mirrorCough! pretends to cough
Dr. Evil: Quid pro-quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin: Yes, squid pro row.
Fat Bastard: I've been tryin' to go legit.
Austin: Of course...
Fat Bastard: But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed... farts
Austin: Did you just soil yourself?
Fat Bastard: Maybe. laughsIt did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick... ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
Goldmember: I vant everyone to have an Amsterdam good time.
Fat Bastard: Dr. Evil: I don't know how to be no crib on MTV, God only knows, got my mini-me and the GP see how it goes. Evil's all that I see, you ask me my name? D to the rizzo, E to the vizzo, I to the lizzo. I'm a crazy motherfucker, y'all knew that. Austin caught me in the first act, it's all backwards, what's up with that? So I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the mini-me. Gimme and Escalade, two way, bling-bling on eBay. DOMINO, motherfucker! Nigel Powers: Got an issue? Here's a tissue.