Parallel Lives

by Agnes Joseph



He wakes with lips on his neck and groans.  God, how drunk was he if he stayed the night?  He never stays the night.  It's wham bam, thank you, ma'm, never stay long enough to make her think that she has a future with him.  Must be that girl he picked up last night.  What's her name again?  Something strange and un-Japanese.  Shindy or something.

"Look, honey," he says, his eyes still closed, "I'd love to stay..."  Another blatant lie.

"But you're already half an hour late for your rehearsal, you idiot."

Yamapi's eyes fly open.  That's not a girl's voice.  That's a man's voice.  And not just any man.  That's....

"Toma?"

He stares in disbelief at the man smiling down on him, too disturbed to be embarrassed about the way his voice squeaked.  Also, Toma is smiling?  At him?  What's that about?  And why is he looking so different?  Most importantly, where the fuck are they?

He pulls his mental faculties together to gaze around.  They're in bed, which seems quite obvious when you think about it.  And - he ventures a quick peek under the covers - they appear to be naked, which is not obvious in the least.  In fact, it shocks Yamapi to the point that he literally falls out of bed.

Half hanging off the bed, Toma is laughing his ass off.  "You, klutz!  I wish I'd taken a photo.  Show your fangirls just how cool and sophisticated you are in reality."

Yamapi would get upset with Toma, except he's too busy rubbing his painful bottom and his bruised dignity.  He yanks at the covers to cover himself up with, but that means Toma is now naked and god, there are just some things he never needed to see, thank you.   Throwing the covers back at Toma, he casts a quick look around.  Ah, pants!  He grabs for them, wishing really hard that Toma would stop laughing like that and then he notices something else.  His clothes... no, correction, their clothes are strewn all around the room, as if they were in too much of a hurry to get them off and just let them fall where they may.

Oh, god, he can't even think of what that might mean.  Even if he were into guys, which he isn't, this is Toma, for fuck's sake.  Toma, who he works with every day, but who he gets along with less and less every day as well.

Without even bothering with underwear, he yanks his jeans on, then goes straight for the shirt.

"What," says Toma, "you're going off to your rehearsal without even showering?"

Now that he's slightly less exposed, Yamapi ventures a look at Toma.  He's lying back in bed, his arms folded underneath his head, the covers barely covering... well, the essentials and he's still grinning that infuriating grin.  Part of Yamapi is beyond thrilled to see that grin again, thought he'd never see it directed at him again.  Before the rest of that thought can fully form, Yamapi quickly tears his gaze away.  "You already said I was late."

"Yeah, you are," says Toma, "but you also reek of..."  He leaves the rest hanging, but Yamapi knows what he means.  He reeks of sex.   Sex with Toma?  What the hell?

"I'll take a shower at the rehearsal hall," he says lamely and Toma shrugs.

"I was going to suggest joining you, but hey, this way I can just stay in bed."

Yamapi suppresses a shudder at the thought and then frowns.  "Wait!  I've got rehearsals, but you don't?"

Toma grins again.  "No, I've got the day off."

But that doesn't make any sense!  How are they going to rehearse the Four Tops without all four tops there?  Of course, that is the least of the things happening this morning that aren't making any sense.  All Yamapi knows is that he needs to get out of here and find some place where he can think this all through clearly.  At least, and that's the only good thing about this whole situation, he doesn't remember what happened here last night.

"So, I'm off then," he says, shrugging into his jacket, his hand already on the doorknob.  Only then does he recognise their surroundings.  This is Toma's apartment.

"Without even so much as a kiss?" Toma says, pouting.

Oh, god, is this some sick joke?

"Uh, I'm late," he says and flees out of the door.  Before he closes it he still catches sight of the frown on Toma's face.



He wakes with lips on his neck and groans.  Just a slight touch like that and he's already getting hard again.  You'd think after five years the novelty would wear off, but no, Toma can still reduce him to a puddle of hormones with a single kiss.

That's when he feels it and his heart stops.  That's not right.  He knows every tiny corner of Toma's body, but he's pretty sure that he doesn't have any breasts.  And those things pressing into his side right now?  Definitely breasts.

Tomohisa cracks open a hesitant eye and curses himself.  God, how drunk was he last night if he ended up in bed with a girl?  How is he going to explain this to Toma?  Without getting killed by him first?

"Uh," he starts, searching for a name that his mind isn't providing at all.  Why doesn't he remember anything?

"Shana," she says, slightly offended.  She's not bad-looking as such.  In fact, she's quite pretty.  Petite and cute, just the kind of girl he might go for.  That is, if he hadn't been in a committed relationship for the last five years.  Toma is going to kill him!

"Look, Shana," he starts, carefully steering away her hand that's wandering down to his nether regions, "I'm sorry, but I really don't remember how we got here."

Huffing with indignation, she sits up and crosses her arms.  At least that way he doesn't have to look at her breasts.  "I knew you were drunk, but I didn't think you were that drunk."

And that's another mystery that he can't unravel.  Why would he have been drunk?  And why would he be picking up girls?  He's got the best boyfriend in the world waiting for him at home.

Fortunately his thoughts are interrupted by the insistent beeping of a cell phone.  When she doesn't make a move to answer it, he gives her an expectant look.

"What?" she says, "it's your phone!"

It is?  But his ringtone is Daite Senorita, not...  Hell, he doesn't even know the song playing!

It takes him a while to locate it, but he finally does: in his jeans, thrown haphazardly across a chair.

"Hello?"

"You, tool!" an angry, but familiar voice sounds.  Tomohisa's instant thought is: 'oh, god, he knows!  But how?'  "Where the hell are you?"

"Toma, I'm so sorry, I have no idea how this happened."  He has no idea how Toma found out this fast, but god, he really does have no idea how this happened.  And no matter how this happened, he can't lose Toma because of it.  He just can't.  If it means grovelling, he will, gladly.

"Yeah, well, I do," Toma replies, "you got drunk again and woke up with some chick whose name you can't even remember."

What?!

Tomohisa's so shocked, he almost drops his phone.  Toma sounds as if he actually believes that, as if he really thinks that Tomohisa makes a habit of cheating on him.

"Toma," he says softly, unable to believe what he's hearing, "you don't really believe that, do you?"

"Look, Yamapi," Toma says and again Tomohisa almost drops the phone in shock.  Toma never calls him Yamapi, never has since they started going out together, actually makes a point of not doing so.  Because he knows that Tomohisa can bear to hear that name from everyone in the world, except from his boyfriend.  "It's no use playing the innocent.  For one thing, I know it's true and I can practically hear her breathing.  Second, I've been immune to your big-eyed routine for years.  Third, you're keeping the entire group waiting.  We've been here for an entire hour, you selfish twat.  Get your ass over here now!"  Tomohisa hasn't been able to say a word in reply, even if he could think of one.  He thinks the worst has passed, but then Toma adds a parting shot that has him trembling on his legs.  "At least shower before you get here.  I don't need skank in the rehearsal room."

At those words the line clicks closed and this time the phone does drop out of Tomohisa's hand.  He follows next, his legs buckling beneath him as he sinks down on the floor.

This can't be happening.  This is all a bad dream.  It has to be.  He'll wake up and he'll be in bed with Toma.  He closes his eyes, wills himself to wake up, but when he opens them again, he's still sat on his ass on someone else's bedroom floor.  Through a watery haze, he sees Shana looking down at him.

"You want the shower first or shall I?"



"You're in big trouble, Yamashita-kun," says the doorman, but he does so with a big smile, so Yamapi's pretty sure he's only kidding. "The guys are all up in dance studio three."

"Thanks," he says, but failing to remember the guy's name quickly adds a "very much".  He shrugs it off as he walks away in search of dance studio three.  Must be the guy's first day on the job.  It's definitely the first time Yamapi's seen him.

Then again, this and waking up with Toma aren't the only strange things that happened to him this morning.  When he made a quick pit stop at his house to shower, Rina had given him a strange look.

"What's wrong with Ikuta-kun's shower?"

"What?" was all he could say, as he stared at her in utter incomprehension.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, big brother," she replied with an infuriating grin, "you two are practically living together these days."

"Look, Rina," he said, "I don't know where you hear this stuff, but I'm not into guys, OK?  I like girls.  Toma doesn't even like me anymore, and certainly not in that way."

Instead of looking convinced, Rina just shrugged.  "Denial, denial, denial."  And she walked away, leaving Yamapi to stare after her.

Yamapi's mind is still pondering on the incident as he walks into dance studio three and maybe that's why he doesn't notice it at first.  "Good morning," he says, "I'm sorry I'm late.  I..."

The rest is lost as he looks around.  Jun and Shunsuke are nowhere to be seen.  In fact, everywhere he looks there are strangers.  In one corner two guys are rehearsing a dance that seems to involve geeky glasses, while two other guys are singing harmony in low voices.

"Sorry," he says, already backing out of the door again, "must have the wrong rehearsal room."

"Yeah, yeah, very funny, Yamapi," says the taller one with the geeky glasses, "arrive an hour late and then make jokes.  There's only so many times we can rehearse our duet before I get bored of Shige."

"Hey," says the other one with the geeky glasses, but they're both smiling.  Toma would be chewing his ass out for arriving an hour late.  But then, he remembers, he left Toma in bed, grinning at him.  Yeah, best not to dwell on that particular memory.

He's about to ask: "who the hell are you guys?" but before he can do so something heavy lands on his back.

"He's here!" the something heavy says, and Yamapi turns his head to find the first familiar face grinning over Yamapi's shoulder.

"Nishikido?" he squeaks in surprise.  "What are you doing here?"  Isn't he supposed to be in Osaka with Kanjani8?  The man who's jumped on his back makes no move to leave.  "You're heavy, get off!"

"Heavy?" asks a chubby-cheeked fellow with a high-pitched voice, as Ryo finally jumps off Yamapi's back, "Nishikido-kun's thin as a rake!"

"But it's all muscle."  Ryo flexes his arm just to prove his point.  "Muscle is heavy, yo!"

There's general laughter, but Yamapi feels like he's losing his mind.  Where are Jun and Shunsuke?  And more to the point, who the hell are these people?  Aside from Ryo, he's never seen any of them.  Oh, wait, no, that's Kato-kun, isn't it?  He vaguely remembers him from years ago when they were still juniors.  Had quite a high opinion of himself, Yamapi seems to recall.  

Now that he takes a closer look, he recognises almost all of them, but only as faces he passed in the hallway, no one he's actually had any close interaction with.  There's only one face he can't place and he has to look twice before he's sure that's actually a boy and not a girl.

Ryo appears to be the first one to notice that things aren't as they should be.  "Yamashita-kun, everything OK?" he asks, giving Yamapi a worried look.

He wants to shake his head, shout "what the hell is going on?", but he simply nods.  If there's one thing he's learned like nothing else in this business, it's to keep a poker face.  Robot Yamapi, that's what they call him.  They think he doesn't know, but he does.

"OK, then," says the tall one, slapping his hands together, "let's get this rehearsal started.  God, Yamapi, do you realise we still don't have a routine for our duet?"

"No, no," says the little one who looks like a girl, "no duets until we've got the group routines down."

Chubby-face groans.  "But we've got those down, Tegoshi."  So the girly one's called Tegoshi, Yamapi notes absentmindedly.  "We've performed those so many times I can do them in my sleep."

"Ah," says Kato-kun, grinning, "that explains why your dancing looks like sleep-walking."

"Even asleep, I'm not out of step with everyone else, like someone else I could mention," Chubby-face shoots right back, which makes Kato-kun glare at him.  Though, even Yamapi, who's meeting these people for the first time, can tell that it's not meant.  Yamapi has experienced the glaring and sniping that goes on among Four Tops.  That can get vicious and nasty.  This is playful banter, like Four Tops used to have.  If his mind weren't in such turmoil now, he would spare a moment to feel nostalgic about the way things used to be.

"Can we not waste any more time and get on with this?" Tegoshi sounds exasperated.  His expression changes as it falls on the person still standing next to Yamapi.  "Ryo-chan?"

Wondering what Tegoshi sees, Yamapi turns his head and finds that Ryo is still giving him that dubious look.  Damn!  Ryo's always been a pain in the ass.  Probably why Yamapi hasn't spoken to him in eleven months.

And that's when it hits him like a ton of bricks, the memory so clear that it almost takes his breath away.  The last time he's seen or spoken to Ryo was eleven months ago, at Countdown.  He's as sure of that as he is of the fact that he went to bed last night with a cute little thing called Shindy and definitely not with Toma.  There's no way he could ever be that drunk.

Ryo must have seen the change in his expression, because his own changes.  That's the good thing about Ryo: everything he feels is always right there in his face, right there on the surface.  If this turns out to be some elaborate joke, Yamapi's not laughing.

A set twist to his mouth, Yamapi crosses his arms and glares at Ryo.  "Is this Toma's idea of punishment?  Because it isn't funny."

Ryo's lips twist, as if he's having trouble keeping a straight face.  Just like Yamapi thought.  It's all a big set up.

"Dude," Ryo says, the smile breaking through, the next words in a soft voice that is obviously only meant for Yamapi: "I'm sure Ikuta-kun can think of better ways to "punish" you."

What the hell?  Is Ryo making lewd insinuations about him and Toma now?

At the end of his patience, Yamapi snaps.  "I said it wasn't funny, Nishikido!  And you can tell Ikuta the same.  Now where the fuck are Jun and Shunsuke?"

Everyone in the room is now openly staring at him, as if he's lost his mind.  Yeah, yeah, Yamapi never gets angry, whatever!  The joke has played long enough.  The other four guys in the room flick gazes towards Ryo, as if looking towards him for guidance, which they no doubt are doing, but Ryo is staring open-mouthed at Yamapi as well.  Perhaps they might have been staring at each other like that for hours if the door hadn't burst open at that moment and yet another stranger walked in.

"All right, now that everyone's present and accounted for, let's get those dancing feet moving, gentlemen."

The choreographer, Yamapi notes in the back of his mind.  How they got him to play along, he doesn't know and really doesn't care.  He's too busy staring Ryo down.

"Yamashita-kun," the choreographer says and though Yamapi's not looking at him, he can sense the hesitation now creeping into the man's voice.  "I thought we'd start on the new choreography for Smilemaker."

"Yeah?" says Yamapi, still glaring at Ryo, "well, you'll be waiting a long time.  I don't even know what song you're talking about."

Something seems to break in Ryo's expression.  "OK, that's it," he announces, his hand flying out to grab Yamapi's arm.  "We've got to have a little chat, mister."

Oh, yes, Yamapi can't agree more.  So he lets himself be pulled out of the rehearsal hall by Ryo, aware of everyone staring after them.  The very first dressing room they reach, Ryo opens the door, pushes Yamapi inside and closes the door behind them.  Both furious, they turn on each other and ask the exact same question at the exact same time.

"What the hell is going on?!"



"You're in big trouble, Yamashita-kun," says the doorman, but when Tomohisa smiles at him, he doesn't smile back.  Instead he smirks at Tomohisa and shakes his head, almost in disgust.  "The guys are all up in dance studio three."

It's odd to say the least.  Tomohisa's not used to that kind of rudeness.  He's almost tempted to ask the man if he realises who he is, but right now, it's the least of his problems.  His mind is full of Toma's harsh words and how he can possibly make things right between them again.  Besides, Tomohisa has never seen this doorman before.  Maybe it's his first day on the job and he doesn't know how to behave yet.

Then again, the doorman isn't the only one acting odd today.  His sister was another one.

Rina wrinkled her nose at him when he dropped in at home for a quick shower.  "Ugh!  You reek of alcohol."

"Yeah?  Well, your bangs look weird!"  It was a lame comeback, but it was the only one he could think of.  Besides, she wasn't wrong.  He did stink.  And he still couldn't for the life of him remember how he got in that state.

Also, her bangs did look weird.  Did she get her hair cut since he'd seen her yesterday?

His thoughts still on the short, but strange conversation with his sister, Tomohisa opens the door of the rehearsal hall.  "Sorry, guys, I have no idea what ha..."  The rest remains hanging as he stares in wonder at the people before him.  "Jun!"  he exclaims with genuine joy, "Shunsuke!  What the hell are you guys doing here?"  He hurries over to them and wraps first Jun, then Shunsuke in an embrace.  "I'm so sorry that I haven't been in touch.  We're so busy with NEWS right now, preparing for our Winter Party tour.  And well, my drama keeps me busy too."

A new hope is blossoming in his heart.  Maybe this is all some elaborate plan of Toma's.  Shout at him, pretend he's mad and then come out yelling: "surprise!"  His smile slowly fades along with any feeling of hope when he sees the confused - could it be? - pissed off looks on Jun and Shunsuke's faces.

"What the hell are you on about, Yamapi?" Jun asks.  "News?  Winter Party Tour?"  A look of comprehension flashes across his face and he sighs.  "God, are you still drunk?"

"Maybe he's not still drunk, but drunk again," Shunsuke adds, giving Tomohisa an identical look of disgust.

Tomohisa can only stare at the other two.  They sound way too pissed off to be pretending.  Or they're both much better actors than he thought they were.  Before he can ask them, a voice dripping with scorn sounds behind them.

"Oh, look who finally deigned to show up."

His heart jumping in his throat, Tomohisa turns around, bracing himself for what he'll find.  He's still not prepared for it when he does; he gasps involuntarily.  He has never, ever, in his entire life seen Toma look this pissed off with him.  Never before has he ever seen so much disgust in Toma's eyes.  It's deserved, of course.  Anybody would be pissed off when they found out their boyfriend had cheated on them.  If only Tomohisa could figure out exactly how that had happened, or how Toma found out about it almost before he did.

"God, Toma," he says, reaching Toma in two steps, trying not to feel dissuaded when the other man takes a step back at his approach, "I know this will sound like an excuse, but honest to god I have no idea what happened.  I have no idea how I ended up..."  He's suddenly acutely aware of their audience.  He can't do this with Jun and Shunsuke in the room.  He wants to hold Toma, kiss him, beg him to forgive him.  Anything, just anything, to have Toma give him another chance.  It can't be too late.  It just can't be.  "Look," he says, when he sees the twist in Toma's face, "can we not do this in front of Jun and Shunsuke?"

Toma shakes his head; suddenly he looks so tired.  "Jun and Shunsuke know what's going on."

Tomohisa can't help but gasp, casting a quick look at the other two in the room.  They know about him and Toma?  But only the people closest to them know.  Ryo and Jin and of course both their moms and Tomohisa's sister.  Do they know about the woman he woke up with this morning as well?

"And god, Yamapi," Toma continues, and it almost hurts more to have him say that name to his face than it did this morning on the phone.  In fact, it feels like a slap in his face.  "I remember when I still used to believe your excuses, when I thought you were genuinely trying.  But it's the same story over and over again."  He sighs.  "I'm giving up."

What?  And now Tomohisa's getting mad, because this is bullcrap.  Toma's acting as if this is a recurring thing.  It's the first time!  And he's still unclear about the details.

"Are you just going to throw everything that we have away because of one misstep?" he asks incredulously, suddenly not caring at all about the prying eyes.

"One misstep?"  Toma's outrage matches Tomohisa's level of incredulity.  "And who's saying anything about throwing anything away?  Four Tops will be around as long as Johnny wants us around, whether we like it or not."

And that is when Tomohisa takes a staggering step back and just stares at Toma.  "Four Tops?" he stammers, utterly confused.  They're not talking about the two of them and their relationship?

Toma rolls his eyes and sighs.  "Yeah, me and those two guys!"  He waves a hand in Jun and Shunsuke's general direction.  "There are four of us.  Hence the name!  But I know it's too much for the almighty Yamapi to remember that there are other people in his band."

Tomohisa feels like the earth is sinking beneath his feet.  Four Tops haven't been around since 2003, when they were disbanded and Tomohisa was put in charge of NEWS.  It broke Tomohisa's heart; five years later he can still feel the despair he'd felt, can still remember how he and Toma cried together, unable to believe that they wouldn't be debuting together.  Ever since Tackey and Tsubasa debuted together in their twentieth year, it had been their big plan.

"When will they debut us," they used to say.  "When you turn twenty or when I do?"

"Don't worry," Toma said, "I'll wait for you."  Meaning that he wouldn't mind waiting that extra year to debut until Tomohisa turned twenty.  And Tomo had loved him so much in that instant.

They didn't know that Johnny had different plans for all four of them.

"Toma," he says, his voice almost shattering with the simple name.  For an instant something flashes in Toma's eyes, the warmth that he's used to seeing in their dark depths flaring for a second, but it's all he needs and he grasps onto it with all his might.  "You can't be serious.  Four Tops is long gone."

And the harshness is back in a flash.  "We don't have to like each other, Yamapi," Toma says, but Tomohisa sees that he can't look him in the eye while he says it, "but we can be professional about it.  The fans love us, they don't know what's going on.  Let's at least do it for the fans."

It's too much to take.  Tomohisa staggers backwards until he feels the door handle in his back.  He reaches for it blindly, yanks open the door and runs.

"Oh, yes, that's right, run!" Shunsuke yells after him.

"Leave him," is the last thing Tomohisa hears Toma say in a stilted, defeated tone.

He runs, but he doesn't know where he's going.  Where can he go?  His first instinct is always to run to Toma.  Who does he run to now?  He sees a door and yanks it open.  It's a dressing room.  Perfect!  Closing the door, he slides down it, totally deflated and lost, until he hits the floor ungracefully.

For the longest time he just sits there, listening to himself breathe, wondering what exactly happened.  Then it hits him.  'Jin,' he thinks, 'Jin will know what to do.'

With trembling hands he fishes his cell phone out of his pocket and then simply sits there staring at it.  It's not his cell phone.  For one thing it's red and not black, like his is.  Also the little charm that was a present from Toma isn't hanging from it.  Why he's just noticing this is beyond him.  Frowning, he calls up the memory list.  OK, whether it's his cell phone or not, there it is, first on the list and not just because it's in alphabetical order: Akanishi.  He pushes the button.

"User out of range," the display reads.  Damn!  Why is Jin always unavailable when you need him?  Scrolling further down the list, his heart gives a little pang when it reaches Ikuta Toma.  He can't think about that now.  He just can't.  Ah!  Nishikido!

Ryo picks up on the third ring.  "Yeah?"

"Ryo-chan," he sighs with relief, "you won't believe how happy I am to hear you!"

"Yamashita?"  Ryo sounds surprised.  "What the hell do you want?"

What?  "Where are you, Ryo?  I need to see you."

"Where am I?  I'm in Osaka of course!"

Osaka?  What the hell is he doing there?  They've got rehearsals for the Winter Party tour all week!  Before he can ask, Ryo continues.  "You got some fucking nerve, man!  You haven't talked to me or called me since Countdown and now you suddenly feel the urge to contact me?  Nine hours before I'm going to give my first solo concert?  I swear to god, Yamashita, if you fuck this up for me, you're toast!"

Tomohisa can't get a word in.  He just sits there listening in utter shock.  First solo concert?  But Ryo gave his first solo concert ages ago.  Long before Tomohisa's ever been given one.  Ryo loves to tease him about it.

"You know what?" Ryo says, when Tomohisa doesn't reply.  "Fuck you, man!"

And the line goes dead.  Tomohisa stares at his phone, his heart growing heavier by the second.  Toma hates him, Jin is out of range and Ryo won't even talk to him.  The realisation slowly sinks in: he's got no one.



"What?!" they both yell, still glaring at each other.

Ryo's face is twisted in anger, his usually fluid body rigid.  "That's supposed to be my line!"

Yamapi huffs.  "That's rich!  You're the one in cahoots with Toma to teach me a lesson!"

Ryo's face is a picture of astonishment.  "What the hell?"  A flash of comprehension flies across his face.  "Wait!  Did you and Toma have a fight?  Is that it?  Is that why you're so fucking pissed with the guys?  Who have been waiting on your ass for an hour, need I remind you?"

"Toma and I have a fight on every day that ends in y.  That's not what's pissing me off," Yamapi says.  Ryo is now staring at him open-mouthed.  "What's pissing me off is those guys!"  He flings an arm behind him.  "I have no idea who they are!"

There is nothing but shock now in Ryo's expression and his voice is strangely gentle when he says:  "God, Tomo, you're not kidding, are you?"

"No."  Yamapi can feel his own anger fading at the genuine consternation on Ryo's face.  Maybe he doesn't know what's going on any more than Yamapi does.  "I just came here for a rehearsal with my unit."

"But they are your unit!"  Ryo shakes his head, looking exasperated.  "We are your unit!"

And that's just absurd.  "We're in a unit together?" Yamapi asks incredulously, waving his hand between the two of them.  "But we haven't spoken to each other since Countdown."

Now Ryo looks like Yamapi shot him.  "Pi, dude," he breathes, "we're like best mates.  You and me and Toma and Jin, that is."

Yamapi snorts.  "I haven't heard from Jin since he left for the States.  That's what you get from someone who calls himself your best friend."

"Pi," Ryo stammers, looking like someone pulled the rug from under his feet.  Yamapi knows exactly how he feels.  "Jin's been back from the States for more than a year.  You and he are inseparable!"  He unexpectedly chuckles.  "Also, I think Kamenashi would go insane if he'd have to go without Jin for that long."

And that's what finally tips Yamapi over the edge.  His knees crumble and he falls back into one of the chairs, clutching his stomach as he laughs his ass off.  "Kame and Bakanishi?  That's sick, man!"

Through his hysteria he can see Ryo look at him worriedly, then take out his cell phone and punch in a number.  "Hey, it's Nishikido," he hears him say into the phone, "are you doing anything right now?  Look, man, I think you'd better get over here.  Some really freaky shit is going down.  I think Yamashita-kun's losing it."  Ryo listens for a while and nods his head.  "Yeah, we're at the rehearsal hall, dressing room..."  He looks at the door.  "...303.  Ikuta-kun?  Hurry!"

As Ryo puts the cell phone away, Yamapi realises something and the hysteria slowly ebbs away.  "Toma and I are together, aren't we?" Is it the suggestion of Kame and Jin together that tipped him off or the fact that Toma was the first one Ryo called?  Either way, at least it explains how he woke up in bed with Toma.  At Ryo's nod, Yamapi frowns.  "How the hell did that happen?"

Ryo grins.  "Don't look at me, man!  I have no idea why anyone would give up the honeys."

His head in his hands, Yamapi shakes it from side to side, as if it will make the insanity go away.  Rubbing at his eyes, he looks at Ryo.  "And we're in a unit?  What's it called?"

"NEWS."

"News?"  What the hell kind of name is that?  "And it's you and me and those four?"

Ryo nods.  "We started out with nine..."  Nine?  What the fuck?  At the incredulous look on Yamapi's face, Ryo chuckles.  "But we lost a few along the way.  I like us how we are now.  Member ai and all that."

"Member ai?"

Ryo waves it away.  "Just something Koyama always says."

"The tall one?" Yamapi seems to recall.

"Yeah!"  Ryo exclaims, looking thrilled.  "You remember?!"  His face falls when Yamapi shakes his head.

"I've seen him around the Jimusho.  I've seen all of them, except the little one.  Tegoshi?"  Ryo nods in affirmation.  "You know," says Yamapi, after a while, "I'm still having a lot of trouble believing this isn't all some elaborate joke being played on me."

"Oh!" Ryo suddenly says, a look of enlightenment on his face, "maybe this will help."  He brings out his cell phone again and starts pushing some buttons.  After he's apparently found what he's looking for, he pats his other pocket and digs out ear plugs.  "Here," he says, pushing both at Yamapi, "maybe this will convince you."

Looking at the tiny screen, he sees that Ryo has pulled up some clip.

"It's NEWS performing," Ryo clears up.

With a shrug - what harm can it do? - Yamapi puts the ear plugs in and pushes the play button.  Sure enough, it's a concert clip.  Yamapi is the first one to appear on the stage, carrying a burning torch, of all things.  His hair is black and too long, so it must have been a few years ago.  He also appears to be wearing a dead animal on his coat.  The music starts and indeed, one by one the rest appear.  First is Ryo, then the girly kid, who apparently has quite a voice on him, Kato-kun, Koyama-kun and Chubby-cheeks, all of them dressed in loud outfits.  That in itself is nothing unusual for Johnny's, but still...

"What are we supposed to be?" he asks Ryo with a frown.  "Pirates?"

Ryo grins widely.  "With you the pirate captain."

Of course, Yamapi thinks, shaking his head as he notices the glittery death skull on his jacket.

That settles it then.  Ryo's not making it up.  A thing like this would be extremely hard, one might even go as far as say impossible, to fake.  Oddly enough the knowledge calms Yamapi more than it unnerves him.  For one thing now at least he knows he's not being played.

The chorus starts and unsurprisingly, among screams from the fans, Yamapi gets hoisted into the air.  That's not what gets his attention though.

"Are we seriously singing that we're peas?"

Ryo grins.  "It's a fan favourite."

It would be!  "And I thought Four Tops had silly lyrics," Yamapi grumbles.

The grin dies on Ryo's lips.  "Four Tops?  Is that supposed to be your unit?"

His gaze again fixed on the tiny screen, where the six of them are now doing some silly little dance, Yamapi and Ryo in front leading them, he nods.  His eyes are torn back to Ryo when he hears the other man breathe: "Oh, god, Toma."

And now that he thinks about it, Yamapi realises it too.  "Toma," he says.  "He's not part of NEWS, is he?"

A sad look on his face, Ryo shakes his head.  "You pleaded with Johnny to have Toma included with NEWS, but he wouldn't hear of it."

Turning his attention back to the performance, Yamapi nods in understanding.  "Maybe that's why Toma doesn't hate me in this reality."

"Hate you?" Ryo cries out.  "Toma's so in love with you he can't see straight."

But something else has struck both their attention, sparked by what Yamapi said without even thinking about it.  They gaze at each other in utter amazement.  "You're from another reality," they again say in stereo.



He has no idea how long he sits there on his ass on the dressing room floor, but the first reminder of the outside world is when the door opens and of all people, Toma walks in.  Tomohisa feels numb and lost, utterly drained of any resistance; when he looks up he sees the surprised look on Toma's face at finding him there.

"Yamapi," he says, his voice strangely worried after their previous confrontation, "have you been here this whole time?"

"Stop calling me Yamapi!" Tomohisa cries, unable to take it anymore.  "I wish I could give you an explanation, but I don't have one.  I don't understand, Toma.  Yesterday I had it all.  I had you and Ryo-chan and member ai."

"Member ai?" Toma mutters with clear incomprehension.

"The guys aren't even in here."  He laughs without amusement, feebly holding up the cell phone.  "This is not even my cell phone."

Toma is watching him with a shell-shocked expression.  "Tomo...," he starts, the hesitation evident in his voice, but Tomohisa never finds out how he planned to end that name.  Suddenly he finds himself prostrate on his knees, his head down to the floor.  He can hear Toma gasp in shock.

"I'm sorry, Ikuta-san," he says, his face to the floor, "I have no idea what I'm sorry about, but I'm sorry.  Please forgive me."

He doesn't know what to expect, but he startles when he feels hands on his shoulders pushing him up from the floor.  He still can't quite lift his head though.  Another shockwave runs through him when he feels a cheek on top of his head.

"Tomo, Tomo, Tomo," Toma mutters above him.  "What happened to us?"

If only he knew the answer to that question, but ever since he woke up this morning everything has been wrong, so wrong.  He dares to look up and finds that Toma is kneeling before him, looking at him with the kindness and warmth that he's used to seeing there.  It makes him brave; seeking that warmth he puts his forehead on Toma's shoulder.  His heart leaps with joy when he feels a hand on his head, stroking his hair, finally settling in the crook of his neck.  The warmth from Toma's hand spreads along his body, making him braver still.  He turns his head, finds his lips right there at Toma's neck and can't help himself.  He presses a kiss to the hot pulse point.

"Tomo-chan," Toma sighs, his breath catching, and that's finally something that feels familiar, something that feels right.

He ventures further, his lips sliding along Toma's jaw, encouraged by the sounds Toma's making.  He's not making any attempts to stop Tomohisa, so surely that must be a good sign.  Just the tiniest moment of hesitation, but then his lips find Toma's unerringly, like they have a million times before.

It's like everything falls into place, like everything's as it should be.  Even more so when Toma's hand twists in his hair, holding him still as he practically dives into Tomohisa's mouth.  Something bursts inside Tomohisa's chest and he clutches at Toma, pulling him closer, sucking hungrily on Toma's tongue.

The euphoria lasts only an instant; just as fast Toma pulls back, pushes Tomohisa away and stares at him, his breathing rapid, his eyes wide and shocked.  He licks his lips, as if he's trying to capture more of Tomohisa's taste.  Maybe he's doing it subconsciously, but it's hot as hell and it makes a shot of pure desire race through Tomohisa.  He slams down on it with difficulty.

Then, finally, Toma finds his voice again.

"Why did you kiss me?" he stammers.

The answer is simple and quick.  "Because I wanted to."  And, he thinks, though doesn't say, you wanted me to as well, if your reaction is anything to go by.  But his reaction, Tomohisa realises, is what's freaking Toma out the most.  Why though, he can't fathom.  It's not as if they haven't done worse.

"Because you wanted to?" Toma asks incredulously.  "Just like that you decided you wanted to kiss me?"

He says the first thing that comes to mind.  "Not just like that."

The thought has occurred to him that Toma might be suffering from some kind of amnesia and that's why he doesn't remember about the two of them.  It doesn't explain Jun and Shunsuke though, or Ryo in Osaka, or Shana this morning.

Toma's face is a picture of astonishment.  It's a good look on him, always has been.  It's the one that always makes Tomohisa want to kiss him most.  Of course that got him in this predicament in the first place.

"Since when have you been thinking about kissing me?"

Tomohisa can't help smiling at the memory.  He can pinpoint the exact moment.  He was seventeen, they were in the living room of that old lady who spoke backwards.  Toma had such an adorably befuddled expression on his face that Tomohisa couldn't keep his eyes off him.  He still can't look at the footage without wondering how no one thought to question the adoring, lovesick expression on his face.  Then again, perhaps every one knew he was in love with Toma long before he did.

"A long time," he admits, taking in Toma's stunned expression.  "What about you?"

Toma physically flinches at his question, proving that he's hit a nerve.  "What, what?" he sputters, "the thought never crossed my mind!"

Tomohisa merely raises an eyebrow at that blatant lie.  After all, there were two tongues at it just now, thank you very much.

Toma stares at him for a moment, but then, as if stung by a bee, jumps up.   "I can't be here right now," he says, his hand already on the doorknob.  Tomohisa would say something about Toma being the one to run this time, but he can't.  He never could and never will be able to say anything hurtful to Toma.

As the door closes behind Toma, Tomohisa hangs his head and sighs.  Barely two seconds later the door flies open again.  Hope filling his heart, Tomohisa's head snaps up.

It's Toma in the doorway.  There's a strange expression on his face as he looks down at Tomohisa, who's still on his knees.  Nothing is said as they just look at each other.  Then Toma shakes himself and takes a step past Tomohisa.

"That's what I came in here for in the first place," he mumbles, as he grabs his coat and duffel bag on one of the chairs.  Without another look back he leaves.



"Maybe you were sent here by that fairy in your drama."

Yamapi pulls a face at Ryo.  "What fairy?  What drama?"

"You know," Ryo insists, "the one where you get sent back in time to fix the things you regret.  Only this fairy sends you to another reality."

"You do realise that dramas aren't real, right, Ryo?" Yamapi asks, amused nonetheless.

Ryo grins widely.  "Ah!  Is that why they have that "This drama is fiction" disclaimer at the end of every episode?"

Yamapi shakes his head.  "How observant of you."

They've been killing time watching more NEWS clips, one earplug each, laughing at the gaudy outfits and the corny lyrics.  It's nice and comfortable.  It feels like he's retouching on something that he's lost with Nishikido.  Are this version of himself and Nishikido closer because they're in the same unit?  Then again, that's exactly what soured up his relationship with Toma.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.  Of course, he doesn't need to be quite as fond of Toma as this reality's Yamapi is.

"Then what exactly am I meant to be regretting?" he asks.

Ryo shrugs.  "As much as I hate to state the obvious, the biggest difference to me seems to be that you and Toma aren't together in your reality."

That makes him stare at Ryo open-mouthed.  "Are you suggesting that deep down I want Toma?  Because let me tell you, nothing could be further from the truth!"

Of course that's exactly the moment when the door bursts open and Toma comes running in.  His worried expression turns appalled as he picks up those last words.

"Tomo-chan?" he breathes, sounding hurt and looking like someone put a knife through his heart.

Just great!

Yamapi hangs his head, while Ryo jumps up from his chair.

"Long story short," Ryo rambles, pointing a finger at Yamapi, "this is not Tomohisa!"

Toma blinks.  "I'm going to need the longer version."

"He's from another reality."

"Longer than that, Ryo!"

This Toma looks different, Yamapi notes.  He noticed it this morning too.  There's a particular softness in his eyes, a warmth surrounding him like an aura and it hits Yamapi.  This Toma is happy.  Well, obviously in this particular moment he's not, but in general he is.

Right now though he's glaring at them both.  "I nearly caused an accident rushing over here and you two are playing a prank on me?"

Ryo's face does that scrunchy thing it does when he gets annoyed.  "Oh, don't you start," he tells Toma.  "He's already accused me of that.  I don't need it from you too.  It's not a joke.  We don't know how or why, but that's not our Yamapi."

Toma looks at Yamapi and at the intensity and sadness in his eyes, Yamapi gasps.  "Look," Toma says, "if you want to end things, just say so.  But I thought we were pretty good together, better than ever as a matter of fact.  I mean, last night was pretty intense..."

And god, he doesn't need to hear this.  Luckily Toma shuts up when Yamapi puts his head in his hands and groans.

"OK," Ryo says, chuckling self-consciously, "that's my cue to leave you two to it."

No, Yamapi wants to yell, don't leave me alone with him!  He was just starting to feel at ease with Ryo.

At his pleading look, Ryo shrugs.  "The guys will be wondering what's keeping me."  Before he leaves Ryo rests his hand on Toma's arm.  "It's not a prank.  He's really not our Yamapi."

To Yamapi's shock, Toma nods.  "I know," he says in a soft, sad voice.

It's quite something for Yamapi to behold: the visible closeness between the two, Ryo's obvious concern for Toma's pain.  He can't imagine anything like that happening between them in his world.

"I'm sorry."  With a final squeeze, as if offering him strength, Ryo closes the door behind him.

For quite some time Toma remains standing there, staring at the door that closed behind Ryo, his back towards Yamapi, as if facing him is too much to bear.

"What do you mean, you know?" Yamapi demands when the silence stretches to breaking point.

Without turning around, Toma replies softly: "I knew this morning.  I knew there was something off."

Yamapi closes his eyes at the sadness in Toma's voice.  Maybe, if he cracks a joke, things will lighten up.  "Because I squealed like a girl when I woke to find myself in bed with you?" he asks, in a teasing voice.

At his words Toma turns around and Yamapi knows his attempt was in vain.  Toma's eyes!  God, his eyes, so stormy and hurt.  Did he do that?  It hurts his heart to think that he did.  

"You woke up here?  Just like that?"

Yamapi nods.  "You believe me?  Just like that?"

"It's easier to believe that you're from another reality than that you don't love me anymore," Toma admits in a soft voice.  He says easier, but Yamapi hears: less painful.  Toma shakes himself.  "If this is true, what happened to my Yamashita?"

Oh, god!  He hasn't even thought of that!  Yamapi slumps in his chair.  "Wow!  If he's in my universe?  Poor guy!"

Toma's expression hardens.  "Why?"

"My Toma pretty much hates me," he says, no louder than a whisper, lowering his head.

When he looks up, he flinches in surprise at Toma's proximity.  He's kneeled in front of his chair, his face inches from Yamapi's.  "There is no reality possible where I hate you," he states passionately.

His hands are on Yamapi's thighs, as if he's unaware how intimate that is.  At Yamapi's pointed look towards his hands, Toma yanks them away and holds them up with a startled look.

"It's been too long," he says, smiling wryly, "since I've had to be careful not to touch."

Yamapi can tell how much it's costing him not to do so.  "I'm sorry," he says, surprised at how much he means it.  "It's just something I'm not used to.  Perhaps my Toma doesn't hate me, but he's certainly not in love with me."

Toma gives him a funny smile, one that seems to suggest that a reality like that isn't possible either, but that's just plain ridiculous.  He thinks he knows Toma a little better than... well, Toma does.

"So what happens now?" he asks, veering them onto a different, safer subject.  "We just wait until whatever switched us, switches us back?"

Pursing his lips, Toma shrugs.  "Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow back where you belong."

"And in the meantime?"

"We go about our normal lives?"  Toma gives him a weak smile, one that does funny things that he can't quite explain to Yamapi's insides.  "Well, maybe not quite normal."



Eventually, Tomohisa picks himself up off the floor and exits the dressing room.  Where he's going to go, though, he has no idea.  No Toma, no Ryo, no Jin.  Who else is there?  He might as well go home, but then he's almost afraid to do so.  Who knows what kind of changes he will find there?

He's almost reached the exit when his heart leaps in his throat at the sight of a familiar face.

"Kei-chan!" he yells, grinning broadly as he runs closer, literally jumping onto him briefly, before he jumps back to the floor.

"Eeeh, what?"  Koyama staggers back, but instead of grinning back, like Tomohisa expects him to, he's staring wide-eyed at him.  "Yamashita-san?"  His voice squeaks with stunned surprise.  "Something I can do for you?"

"Quit fooling around, Kei-chan," Tomohisa laughs.  "God, it's so great to see you.  Where are the rest of the guys?"

Koyama is still staring at him in confusion.  "Rest of the guys, Yamashita-san?"

It's only then that it hits Tomohisa: Koyama hasn't used polite speech with him in years.  Oh, god, he thinks, his spirits sinking, not you too.  "Tegoshi?" he asks warily, almost afraid of the answer.

Koyama shakes his head.  "Don't know who that is."

"Massu?"

After a moment of thinking, Koyama's face lights up.  "Masuda Takahisa?"  At Tomohisa's enthusiastic nod, he frowns.  "Didn't he leave Johnny's ages ago?"

His last shot.  If Koyama doesn't know this name, nothing, and seriously nothing, will ever make sense again.  "Kato Shigeaki?" he asks tentatively.

To Tomohisa's relief, Koyama beams.  "Shige?  He's around here somewhere.  We've got an appointment with Johnny-san in an hour."  Koyama grins wobbly.  "I'm so nervous.  Maybe he'll finally debut Koyashige!"

Tomohisa doesn't point out that Koyama and Shige are already debuted, that they are in fact part of his band NEWS.  After everything that's happened today he knows that'll only make him look crazier in Koyama's eyes.

"Koyashige?  That your unit?"

"Yeah.  We used to be KKKitty, but Kusano got kicked out..."

"For underage drinking," Tomohisa finishes with a fond smile.

Koyama smiles self-consciously.  "You heard about that, did you?"

"Something like that."  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

"Well," Koyama says, clearly looking around for an escape from an awkward meeting, "it was an honour having this conversation with you, Yamashita-san."

"Yeah."  Tomohisa nods his head.  "I'll let you get ready for your meeting with Johnny-san.  And good luck!  I'll keep my fingers crossed he'll debut you."

Koyama's face betrays his surprise and delight.  "Thank you, Yamashita-san.  See you around!"

"You too, Kei-chan."

More depressed than ever, Tomohisa watches him walk away.  At least there's one comfort, he thinks.  At least Koyama and Shige are obviously still joined at the hip.  If nothing else makes sense in this world, there is that tiny speck of light and hope that some things are just meant to be.



It's decided that Toma will take Yamapi home.  In the car he sends a quick text to Ryo to let him know.

"No problem," Ryo texts back.  "Will tell the guys you're not feeling well.  Take care!"

"I don't want to be a burden," he tells Toma.

"Don't be silly," he replies with a smile.  "You..."  He pulls a face and corrects himself.  "Tomohisa practically lives here anyway."

"Without the knowledge of the press?"

"Yep."

"Johnny?"

Toma grins.  "Yep."

"Wow."  He can't help being genuinely impressed.  "How do you manage that?"

"Very carefully."

Even though apparently Yamapi has his own key, Toma lets him into his apartment and flicks on the lights.  It's a modest, though spacious apartment, in a traditional Japanese style.

Yamapi toes off his shoes and follows Toma inside.  When Toma catches him looking around, he pulls a face.  "In my reality I don't really spend a lot of time here."

Toma shakes his head, as if that concept is still difficult to grasp, but he doesn't say anything about it.

"Are you hungry?" he asks instead.  "Want me to make you something?"

Now that Toma mentions it he's reminded that he skipped breakfast and hasn't eaten anything all day.  At the look on his face, Toma laughs.

"I guess that's a yes."

He follows Toma into the kitchen.  It's really just a small space separated from the living room by a breakfast counter.  He watches Toma fill the rice cooker and then Toma disappears into the fridge, reappearing with a beer in each hand.  His heart skips just a tiny bit when Toma hands one, his favourite brand even, to Yamapi.  Guess Toma knew that he was dying for one of those without Yamapi having to say so.  It makes him feel all warm inside, a feeling he's not used to.

As Toma sets to work cutting vegetables, Yamapi takes a long gulp from his beer and asks: "Is there anything I can do?"  Toma merely gives him a look.  "Ah," Yamapi says, grinning, "guess your Yamapi is as handy in the kitchen as I am."

His attention is drawn away by his cell phone beeping.  When he takes it out, he finds there are a bunch of text messages.

"Get better soon, Yamapi!"

"Take good care."

"You work too hard!  Take some time for yourself!"  This one from Koyama.

The last one is from Ryo.  It just says: "Member ai" with a smiley that's rolling his eyes.

"Member ai," Yamapi murmurs.

Toma looks up from his work.  "Yeah, they're quite something," he says, smiling fondly at Yamapi staring at his cell phone.

"I barely speak to my Ryo," Yamapi admits, taking another gulp from his beer and sitting down at the breakfast counter.  "Once a year perhaps at Countdown."

"You're missing out on a great friend," Toma muses.  "Then again, we didn't see Ryo that often either.  It wasn't until Ryo and Tomo ended up in NEWS together that they've become as close as they have."

"Yeah, the Kansai and Tokyo juniors didn't really mix that often."

Toma beams at him, points his knife at Yamapi.  "The Kansai versus Tokyo juniors triathlon!"

"Oh, my god, you had that too?" Yamapi yelps, pleasantly surprised, "You gave up before it even started!"

"Did not!" Toma denies vehemently.  "I finished the dance marathon and the run."

"Yeah, but you bailed during the sauna endurance test."

"It was hot!"

"Duh!  Sauna!"  Yamapi grins at the memory.  "I wonder what else we have in common."

Toma starts humming and at first Yamapi thinks he's being ignored, but then he recognises the melody.  He smiles at Toma, but Toma doesn't notice; he's bent over his work again.  And then he starts singing Yokubou no Rain.  Yamapi lets him sing, but when he gets to the part where he's supposed to come in, Yamapi does so.  Their voices blend together perfectly.

Toma's head snaps up and he looks at Yamapi, smiling with pleasure.  They don't stop singing though, enjoying the feeling of connection.  When the song ends Toma says: "So that answers that question."

Yamapi shrugs.  "We still sing it a lot during concerts."  He instantly realises his mistake when the smile falls off Toma's face and his knife slips, barely missing his finger.  He gives Yamapi a startled look.

"We as in you and me we?"

"Ah yeah," Yamapi says, grimacing, "guess I forgot to mention that bit.  In my reality Four Tops debuted instead of NEWS."

Toma just stares at him, as if he has trouble taking in the information.  "That was our dream," he finally says, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I know."  Yamapi's voice is equally soft.  "If it's any comfort to you, Toma, in my reality we are not together."

The hurt look on Toma's face lingers for just a moment longer, but then a tentative smile appears.  "When you put it like that, losing Four Tops seems like a small sacrifice."  Though he sounds upbeat, Toma still can't hide his disappointment.  Maybe it would make him feel better, Yamapi thinks, if he knew what a shambles Four Tops is.  No member ai.  He doesn't have the heart to break it to him though.

There's a drawn out silence and Yamapi thinks that Toma has clammed up, when suddenly, while he's checking the vegetables in a pot, he makes an announcement that shows that all this time he's actually been thinking through Yamapi's words.

"You know," he says, "I do believe you're right.  I think the two are connected."

Yamapi is just happy to have the conversation started up again and nods enthusiastically.  "How so?"  That brings an embarrassed smile to Toma's face, one that speaks of a private memory.  "Unless I'm prying?" Yamapi quickly adds.

"No, no," Toma says.  He fills two bowls of rice and puts one in front of Yamapi together with a pair of chopsticks.  "I was just reminded of how Tomohisa and I got together in the first place."

Yamapi pulls a face. "There's no need to get into details."

"I wasn't planning to."  That sounded almost irritated and Yamapi reminds himself not to make any sarcastic remarks about something that is obviously so dear to Toma's heart.

"Sorry," he says.

Toma waves it away.  He scoops the vegetables into a big bowl and puts that between them.  Then he comes around the counter and sits down next to Yamapi.

"I'm digging in."

"I'm digging in."

The next few moments are taken up by sounds of eating, but eventually, Yamapi still wants to know.  "You were saying?"

"I was just thinking that a lot of what happened between Tomohisa and me..."  He pauses a moment to give Yamapi a meaningful smile.  "... without getting into details - came from how we both hurt from being torn apart.  I mean, on some level I must always have been in love with him, but the separation sort of crystallised those emotions and brought them into the light, where we couldn't ignore them anymore.  If you two never went through that separation, it makes sense that those feelings never came to the surface."

"Except I'm not in love with Toma," Yamapi points out.  That earns him a smirk from Toma that has an unsettling thought appear in Yamapi's head: maybe if he were a bit more like you, I could be.  He almost chokes on his food when the thought sinks in.



Usually when he rides the train he tries to be as inconspicuous as possible, tries to blend into the background, not draw any attention to himself.  Today though it seems as if no one can see him through the bubble of misery that surrounds him.

He gets off at the usual stop without even thinking about it, lets his feet do the deciding for him and before he knows what he's doing he's standing in front of that door.  He blinks at it in confusion.  Why would he come here?

Tomohisa already knows the answer to his own question.   Because there's no one on earth he'd rather be with, especially when he feels lost like this.

A few minutes after Tomohisa rings the bell the door opens and Toma stares at him in surprise.  He's wearing jeans with tears at the knees and a long-sleeved shirt that looks like it would be fantastically soft to the touch.  Tomohisa's suddenly overcome with an irrepressible desire to bury his face in that softness, hide away in the safety of Toma's arms.

"Yama...shita?"  There's enough of a gap to tell Tomohisa that Toma'd been about to call him Yamapi, but he stopped himself in time.  Tomohisa can only respect the effort.

"Can I come in?"  It feels strange to ask the question; he's never had to ask it before.

A slight hesitation on Toma's part, but then he steps aside to let Tomohisa in.  He toes off his shoes and enters Toma's apartment.

All day he's had the feeling like he doesn't belong, but now, standing in Toma's apartment, he feels it stronger than ever before.  It makes his heart crumble inside.  This is the place where he's always felt most at home.  Only yesterday it had been home.  Now it feels like a stranger lives here, not the person he's called his best friend since he was thirteen.

That feeling is only heightened when he takes a closer look around.  The place even looks different than it did yesterday.  All the personal touches that Tomohisa brought to the place, the little things that belonged to the both of them, are no longer there.  Tomohisa realises that it really is the home of a stranger.  Someone who looks and sounds like Toma, but bears no other resemblance to the man he loves.

"I was just about to have dinner," Toma says and now Tomohisa sees the bowls on the coffee table, the television playing quietly in the background.  "You're welcome to join me."

He nods, without saying anything.  He hasn't eaten anything all day, but he's not hungry.

Toma goes into the kitchen and returns with a bowl, chopsticks and a beer.  "Please," he tells Tomohisa and gestures towards the table.  As Tomo kneels down at the table, Toma clicks off the TV and joins him.

"I'm digging in," Tomohisa mumbles and scoops rice into his mouth.  It doesn't taste of anything.

Toma is watching him with a bewildered, questioning look, no doubt wondering what brought him here, but Tomohisa finds there's nothing he can say.  Everything that has happened today is swirling around inside his head, is wreaking havoc with his heart and with no say from him whatsoever, the tears start spilling from his eyes.

The look on Toma's face turns from confused to shocked.  "Tomohisa, are you OK?"

He shakes his head, wipes the tears away irritably.  "It feels like I don't belong here," he says quietly.

Toma frowns.  "You're the one who came over."

Tomohisa smiles sadly, wipes more tears from his face.  "Not this apartment."  Though that too, and maybe that is what hurts the most after all.  "This whole world.  It's like I woke up this morning and someone moved all the furniture while I was asleep and now I don't know where anything is anymore."  And you, he thinks, flinch away from my touch instead of melting into it.

Toma doesn't say anything in reply.  Really, what does one say to something like that?  So Tomohisa puts another scoop of rice in his mouth and tries to swallow it down.



Toma's still rummaging in the kitchen while Yamapi looks around the living room.  To the right he sees the door of the bedroom and can't help grimacing when he remembers how he tore out of there this morning.  Moving onto safer subjects he notices the neat row of CDs and DVDs.

"Hey," he calls out to Toma, "you've got every NEWS CD and DVD!"

Coming out of the kitchen, Toma laughs and hands Yamapi another beer.  "Of course!"

Nodding in understanding, Yamapi takes the beer and returns to studying the CDs.  It might reveal more about the differences between his world and this one.  "Wait a minute," he says when he can't seem to find what he's looking for, "where are your CDs then?"  Just then it hits Yamapi that Toma hasn't mentioned anything about an unit of his own.

The smile is still there on Toma's face, but less bright.  "That's because there aren't any.  Well, apart from some cast recordings.  I've been mostly concentrating on acting.  Done a lot of stage plays and musicals."  When he sees that Yamapi is still frowning, Toma sighs.  "I never debuted.  Technically I'm still a junior."

What?

The information takes Yamapi's breath away.  Plonking his beer onto the coffee table, he steps right in front of Toma, looks at him gravely.  "You're a junior?"

Toma breaks eye-contact, laughs uncomfortably.  What does Toma think?  That he's disappointed in him?  Feels sorry for him?  Because he's feeling neither of those.  He's only just starting to realise why Toma was so upset hearing about Four Tops in Yamapi's reality.  A thought starts to brew in his head, one that perhaps he shouldn't voice, but he finds it's out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"Maybe you weren't meant to debut."

Toma's gaze shoots up, the hurt look in his eyes going straight to Yamapi's heart.

"Oh, god, no," he says quickly, "Toma, that's so not how I meant it.  I don't mean that you don't deserve to debut.  Toma, god, you're like a thousand times more talented than I am."  Toma shakes his head, but Yamapi won't let him get a word in.  "No, you are.  In any reality.  We both know it.  But look at you, Toma!  You're such a great guy.  Nobody would blame you if you were jealous of him, hated him for leaving you to be successful with his own group, but you're here, supporting him and loving him."  He waves an arm at the CD rack.  "Buying his CDs!  The Toma in my world has everything you're dreaming of and he's a pain in the ass who hates my guts!"

After that passionate outburst they just stare at each other, Yamapi as surprised about everything that came out of his mouth as Toma is.  Then finally Toma shakes himself.

"I need to go away for a bit."

Yamapi sighs and rubs his eyes.  "I'm sorry.  I said too much."  He almost jumps at the soft touch on his cheek, a touch that's gone as fast as it came.  When he looks up he finds Toma looking at him, an unfathomable look in his eyes.

"Don't be sorry.  I just need to not be here for a bit."

"Why?" he asks softly.

"For just a moment there, I forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"That you're not Tomohisa."



With apparently nothing to say between them, they've each staked out a corner of the sofa and watch TV.  Toma's got some TV show on, but Tomohisa's not really paying attention; nothing is really sinking in.  Toma keeps giving him sideways looks, as if he's still trying to figure out what Tomohisa's doing there.  Tomohisa doesn't really know himself.  All he knows is that just being with Toma makes him feel better, even a Toma who has all his defences up, who won't let Tomohisa cuddle up to him, let him put his head in his lap while Toma runs his hand through Tomohisa's hair.

At the longing that suddenly courses through him, he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.  At least he's not going to embarrass himself by bursting into tears again.  Even though he wasn't hungry and he barely tasted what he ate, he does feel better now that he's got something in his stomach.  Not as weepy for one thing.

The host on the television show must have said something hilarious because the audience erupts in boisterous laughter.  Neither Toma or Tomohisa are laughing though.  Tomohisa wonders if Toma is as distracted, as wrapped up in his own thoughts as he is.

He reaches a hand out for the beer can on the coffee table and Toma instantly reacts.  It's a subtle flex of his body, but it's a body that Tomohisa knows better than any one else and to him it speaks volumes.  Toma is hyper aware of Tomohisa's presence, reacts to every move he makes.  He wonders if Toma even realises it himself.

He's just put the beer back on the coffee table after taking a sip, when he notices it.  Toma is watching him intently.  He wouldn't think anything of it, if he hadn't seen that look countless times before.  Not on this strange, distant Toma, but on the Toma he knew before.  That Toma used to look at him like that all the time, usually just before he pounced.

This Toma doesn't pounce, just retreats a little further into his corner of the sofa.  It's enough though for Tomohisa to feel hopeful.  Because in the game called 'Drive Toma crazy' he's an Olympic champion, with a Johnny's unit of his own cheering him on.

Stretching out his legs, he puts his hand on his stomach, casually slips it under his shirt. Under the pretence of being distracted by whatever's happening on TV and as if he's doing it subconsciously, he gradually moves his hand higher.  More and more of his stomach's skin is being exposed and judging from the noise Toma's making in the back of his throat, he's noticed as well.  Step one completed.

On to step two.  Tomohisa picks up the beer from the coffee table, brings it to his lips and tilts his head back, taking a long draught.  To Toma it might look like all his attention is on his beer, but Tomohisa's secretly keeping an eye on Toma and... bingo!  Toma's eyes are on Tomohisa's throat, watching it work with a glazed expression in his eyes.  Toma's tongue peeks out to wet his lips.

And that in its turn is distracting Tomohisa; the beer goes down the wrong way.  He sputters helplessly as it runs down his chin into his shirt.  Oh, smooth, Yamashita, smooth, he berates himself, fumbling with the can while wiping the beer off with his sleeve.  Without even thinking about it he licks off the beer, sucking his fingers into his mouth to do so.  This elicits an interesting noise from Toma.  Oh, right, he was in the middle of proving a point, wasn't he?  

It takes a moment before Toma notices him returning the stare.  When their eyes meet, Toma's expression turns to one of a deer caught in the headlights.  Tomohisa makes no qualms about the look he's sending back: caught you!

With slow deliberate movements he puts the beer down and carefully inches closer to Toma.  The comparison to a frightened animal is more apt than ever.  Toma watches his slow approach with a startled expression that borders on fear.  And that's not what Tomohisa wants.  He doesn't want Toma to be afraid of him.

When he sees Tomohisa halt his approach, Toma finds his voice again.  "What are you doing?" he asks, still eyeing Tomohisa suspiciously, his whole body poised for flight.

Instead of replying, Tomohisa has a question of his own.  "Why are you so afraid of this?"

A flash of incredulity flies across Toma's face.  "Because you've been acting weird all day!"

"Well, that makes two of us," Tomohisa shoots right back.  "Is this about that girl this morning?  Is that why you won't let me come close?"

Toma rolls his eyes, a little too exaggeratedly perhaps.  "As if I care how many skanks you sleep with!"

"You should!"  Tomohisa is really getting angry now.  "You're my boyfriend, for fuck's sake!"

And that has Toma gaping at him like a fish.  "I'm your what?"

Everything Tomohisa has been suspecting all day is confirmed in the utter shock displayed on Toma's face.

"You're not my boyfriend, are you?" he asks, his voice tiny.

Perhaps they both realise it at the same time.  It certainly comes out of both their mouths simultaneously: "Who are you?"

"You first," Toma adds, as if he knows that Tomohisa's the one who's out of place.

He nods and takes a deep breath.  "Yamashita Tomohisa, born April 9, 1985.  Joined Johnny's at age 11, where I met you.  We were first put together in B.I.G., then Four Tops."  Up to this point Toma has been nodding, but with the next words that come out of Tomohisa's mouth, Toma starts frowning, a frown that grows deeper with each word that follows.  "But then I got pulled out of Four Tops to form NEWS with 8 other Juniors.  We were both so heartbroken, we realised we were in love.  It's now five years later and we're still together.  Now you."

Nothing's forthcoming though.  Toma's way too busy looking shocked.  Finally he says, in a stunned voice: "They broke up Four Tops?"  Tomohisa smiles sadly.  "And you and I are..."  He flaps his fingers in a gesture of helplessness.  "...romantically involved?"

"And very happy.  How about you?"

Toma's mouth opens and closes a few times before he sputters:  "Not romantically involved with you.  So not romantically involved with you."

That much Tomohisa has gathered.  There's something though.  There's no mistaking the looks Toma's been giving him all evening.  Not to mention that moment they had in the dressing room.  All of that though can wait until a more opportune moment.

"And Four Tops still exists?" he asks instead.

Toma nods.  "Everything before Four Tops breaking up is how I remember it too.  After that?"  His eyes wide, he shakes his head in perplexion.

"So what do you think happened?" Tomohisa asks.

"Aside from the possibility that you might have lost your mind?"

Despite everything Tomohisa can't help grinning.  It's the first time Toma's cracked a joke and it feels fantastic.  It's as if, now that Toma knows why Tomohisa's behaving so strangely, he's free to be himself again.

"Don't think I haven't considered it myself," he admits.  "Tell me, do I look crazy to you?"

Toma pulls a face.  "The whole trying to kiss me thing notwithstanding?  No, you don't."

"The whole trying to kiss you thing isn't crazy.  To me, it's as natural as breathing."

That makes Toma break eye contact with a flush on his cheeks, but Tomohisa's sure he caught a smile.  "So if you're not crazy and I'm not hallucinating things, what did happen?"

Tomohisa shrugs.  "Your guess is as good as mine."



Enough things happened to him today to keep him awake.  Find himself in a parallel universe?  Check.  The possibility that he might not find his way back to his own reality?  Check.   And yet, none of that is what's keeping Yamapi awake.  The only thing doing that is the thought that keeps going through his head in a continuous loop: Was Toma about to kiss him?  Was that why he had to excuse himself?  And more importantly, would Yamapi have minded very much if he had?

Sighing, he turns over yet again on the futon Toma provided for him.  The DVR clock is glaring 2:43 at him; he turns once more onto his other side, turns his back on the clock mocking him.

This is ridiculous.  He's never questioned his sexuality and he's not about to start simply because some guy, a guy he's never previously felt any attraction for, throws him flirty smiles.  Very pretty smiles they might be, but surely nothing worth throwing 23 years of heterosexuality out of the window for.

No, he tells himself firmly, you're just overwhelmed from the day's events.  Sooner or later - well, he hopes sooner - he'll be sent back to his own reality where his version of Toma will treat him like crap again and what will he do then, if he ends up falling in love with this Toma?

Whoa, what?

Yamapi sits up, staring into the darkness, shocked by his own thoughts.  He's not seriously considering the possibility of falling in love with Toma, is he?  For one thing, he's only known Toma - or at least this Toma - for a few hours.  Nobody falls in love that quickly.

But, that traitorous voice in the back of his head insists, hadn't Toma insinuated that he might already be in love with him but not know it yet?  Well, that was even more ludicrous.  Wouldn't he know if he were in love?

Fortunately his thoughts are interrupted by the squeaking of a door being pushed open, followed by a cut-off curse from someone stubbing his toe.

"Can't sleep either?" Yamapi calls out.

Flanked by the light coming from his bedroom, Toma gives him a sheepish grin.

A while later, they've got the coffee table moved aside, Toma's curled on the sofa with the blanket from his bed and Yamapi's on the floor next to him on his futon, both on their third beer and a bowl of dried peas between them.

"Did you know," Yamapi says, tossing up a pea and catching it deftly in his mouth, which earns him an impressed round of applause from Toma, "that NEWS has a song where we call ourselves peas?"  Somewhere along the line he started to refer to himself as this universe's Yamapi; neither of them noticed when or has commented on it.  Maybe they're both starting to get drunk.

Toma laughs.  "Yes, in fact I did know that."  His face lights up, as if he's just thought of something.  "Want to watch a NEWS DVD?"

Toma always did have the best ideas!  "Ryo's showed me a few clips, but I'm dying to see more."

"What about the Pacific concert?" Toma suggests.  "You take off your shirt during the encores and show off your hot bod to your drooling fans."  And look, Toma's doing it too, saying "you" when he means the other Yamapi.

"Wow," Yamapi says, laughing, "so we're shameless hussies in both realities."

Toma gives him a shocked look.  "You do that during our concerts too?"  There!  He did it again!  "How the hell do I keep my hands off you?"

Yamapi rolls his eyes.  "How many times do I have to tell you?  Toma.  Is.  Not.  In.  Love.  With.  Me."

"Or," says Toma, not looking convinced at all, "maybe that's why he behaves like an ass to you.  Because you keep flaunting something in his face that he can't have.  Or thinks he can't have."

Yamapi was all set to laugh, but the urge to do so leaves him in a rush.  As crazy as it sounds, Toma is starting to make sense.  A sudden fear takes hold of him.

"Toma," he asks worriedly, "do you think I'm a cocktease?"

Toma runs a hand across his face and breathes out noisily.  Finally, as if it took him a long time to decide whether or not to be completely honest, he says: "Yes, you are."  Yamapi gasps at how much it hurts to hear the truth.  "You have a fantastic body, you know you have a fantastic body and you love watching the effect it has on me.  The only difference between you and my Tomohisa is that mine doesn't withhold the goods."

"I didn't know!" he cries.  Wait, what the hell is he saying?  For the last time, Toma is not in love with him.  No matter what Toma might think he knows.  Still, the knowledge that he might unwittingly have done just what Toma accuses him of doing, renders him immeasurably sad.  "I never thought that I'd be that girl that doesn't put out."

He's startled when Toma reaches out and pats his head gently.  "You're the girl who's so busy spreading her love around that she forgets to be loved in return."

There's something so tender in Toma's smile that Yamapi can't help reacting.  Before Toma can withdraw his hand, he snatches out to grab it.

"Toma," he whispers, afraid to look at him, his eyes intent on the hand within his own, caressing the long slender fingers, the smooth skin.

"No," Toma says, his voice gruff.  Yamapi dares to look up.  Toma's eyes are dark and filled with something that is still unfamiliar, but not scary anymore.  "I'm not the one you should be saying this to."

Yamapi lets go of his hand, but their eyes stay locked together for just a moment longer.  Then Toma gets up, takes out the DVD and they settle down to watch, the moment between them not forgotten, but not referred to anymore.

The concert turns out to be a lot of fun.  The songs are bouncy and catchy, and the outfits predictably colourful.  All six of them are clearly having a blast on stage together.  The member ai too is obvious in their interaction.  At one point Ryo literally jumps Yamapi, wraps his legs around his waist and buries his face in Yamapi's neck, which makes Toma click his tongue.

"Are you sure I'm not with Nishikido in this reality?" Yamapi teases gently.  Perhaps they're not ready for banter yet, but he smiles when Toma grumbles good-naturedly: "Fan service."

"If you say so."  Yamapi grins when Toma throws him a dirty look.  "Of course," he adds, realising something, "if every one thinks I'm doing Ryo, it leaves me free to do you."  He's not forgetting the yous and hes this time; he's deliberately flirting with Toma.

And Toma knows it.  Not taking his eyes off the TV screen, he mutters: "Stop it!"

"Stop what?" Yamapi asks innocently, enjoying the game far more than he should, "I'm just saying that you and Ryo are very smart, diverting every one's attention away from you like that."

"Maybe Ryo just loves you in a strictly friendship way."

"But according to you that's impossible."

Toma glares at him and Yamapi smiles sweetly.  Maybe Toma is right.  Maybe he really is a cocktease.  He wonders briefly if he would still withhold the goods if Toma came on to him now.  Before he can think too much about it, Toma breaks the moment by throwing a pea at him; he tries to catch it in his mouth, but it ends up bouncing off his forehead.

Eventually Toma falls asleep on the sofa, which wouldn't speak highly of his interest in his boyfriend's career, if it weren't five in the morning.  And no doubt he's seen the DVD numerous times before.  Yamapi takes the remote and turns the TV volume down, but instead of watching the rest of the concert his attention is suddenly completely taken by the sleeping figure on the sofa.  He can't understand why he's suddenly fascinated with Toma's face.  It's not like he's different from his Toma, at least not physically.  In personality however, god, the difference takes his breath away.

The wave of tenderness that sweeps him at the sight of that peacefully sleeping face, the long dark eyelashes against smooth skin, the full pink lips pursed in sleep, the spiky hair in awkward angles, makes the truth finally sink in.  Fucking hell, Yamapi thinks, I really am in love with Toma.  He might have noticed a hell of a lot sooner if his Toma were anything like this one.  That he might be partially responsible for the way his Toma is, no matter how unintentionally, breaks his heart.  Suddenly, almost desperately, he wishes he were given a second chance.

Rising up on his knees, Yamapi leans closer and presses a soft kiss to Toma's forehead.  He pulls a face in his sleep, but doesn't wake.  Yamapi smiles and clicks off the TV before scooting under his own covers.  His mind now at ease, he's asleep in seconds.



Why am I on Toma's sofa?  That's the first thing he thinks when he wakes up.  Did he and Toma have a fight?  That's impossible though.  Not the fighting with Toma per se, he's had plenty of those.  They've just never been so mad with each other that they didn't want to go to bed together.

Then he remembers and closes his eyes, wishing he could return to the oblivion of sleep.  He's on Toma's sofa because he's no longer welcome in Toma's bed and OK, that's not exactly what's going on, but to Tomohisa it might as well be.  It could be worse, he thinks morosely.  At least Toma didn't kick him out of his place altogether.

"I could see if Jin will let me crash at his place," he said when it was time to retire.

Toma looked at him funny.  "Akanishi?  He's still in the States, isn't he?"

Tomohisa grimaced, remembering how he'd tried to contact Jin earlier.  "That would put him out of range."

And that's how he ended up on Toma's sofa.

He buries his nose a little deeper into the covers, not wanting to deal with reality, but then he picks up delicious smells coming from the kitchen and his stomach instantly reacts with a fierce grumble.  As he swings his feet to the floor he notices that the DVR clock reads 7:52.  That's pretty early for a day he's not expected at work.

A quick trip to the bathroom to relieve himself and splash some water in his face and then he joins Toma in the kitchen.

"Good morning."

Toma looks up and smiles at him.  "Good morning."  He's still in pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt, and looks so deliciously rumpled that Tomohisa presses a kiss to his temple before he's aware he's doing it.  For a split second Toma freezes bodily, but then he ducks his head with a shy smile.  Tomohisa's just glad he didn't freak out.  Maybe they're getting somewhere.

He smiles sheepishly, but doesn't apologise.  "Like I said, as natural as breathing."

"Sofa not too uncomfortable?" Toma inquires, his attention ostensibly on his food preparations.

Tomohisa shakes his head, as he sits down at the breakfast counter.  "It's the first time and hopefully last time I've slept on it though."  He honestly didn't mean anything with it, but for some reason it seems to bring a colour to Toma's face.

"You might have to," he says, "if we can't figure out what's going on."

Secretly Tomohisa thinks that not only he could get into Toma's bed without even really trying, but that Toma is practically begging him to do so.  An impression that's reinforced some time later when Tomohisa comes out of the shower, shaking his still wet hair.  So, OK, perhaps there was no need to come out wearing only his jeans and nothing else.  Of course if he hadn't he wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of Toma looking at him like he's an ice-cream he wants to take his time licking.

Nor, he supposes, is it fair to squeeze quite so close to Toma in the kitchen on his way to the faucet to get a glass of water, but again, he wouldn't have heard the quiet, rapidly stifled gasp or seen the way Toma balls his hands into the fabric of his jeans, as if he has to physically restrain them from reaching out and touching Tomohisa.

And that's what Tomohisa just doesn't get.  Whatever it is that's holding Toma back, if Tomohisa could just break through those walls, get him to let go, admit to his feelings, he's sure that Toma would be a much happier person.  If that requires pushing him a little, then Tomohisa's more than willing to do so.

Running a seemingly distracted hand across his still naked chest, he gives Toma a sheepish smile, pretending he doesn't notice the way Toma swallows hard.  "I don't suppose you could lend me a shirt?"

It takes a while before Toma replies.  "I don't think you'll fit into any of my shirts," he finally says quietly and oh yes, it doesn't escape Tomohisa's attention that he's eyeing Tomohisa's arms while he's saying this.

"Oh, come on," Tomohisa chuckles, "I'm not that much bigger than you.  Remember when I used to borrow your gym clothes in middle school?"

Toma nods, still looking distracted.  "You didn't look like this in middle school," he mutters.  Perhaps he didn't mean for Tomohisa to hear him, but he did and he can't help cheering just a little on the inside.  "Just have a rummage through my wardrobe," Toma finally adds with an impatient flick of his hand, as if he just wants Tomohisa to either put on a shirt already or just disappear out of his sight altogether.  "If you find anything that fits you, have at it."

It's only when he walks into Toma's bedroom that the sense of elation vanishes instantly, leaving Tomohisa to sink down onto an edge of Toma's bed, his heart aching.

This used to be their bedroom, Tomohisa's haven and place of refuge.  Nothing of that remains in this bedroom though, not a trace of Tomohisa's presence noticeable.  Once again the knowledge threatens to overwhelm him.  He might flirt and push Toma all he wants, but in the end he doesn't belong in this world any more than he belongs in this bedroom.





The first thing that Yamapi notices when he wakes up is the blob on the sofa.  Once he's rubbed his eyes and feels a little more awake, the blob turns out to be Toma sitting cross-legged, his blanket wrapped around him like a cape and gazing down intently on Yamapi.

Yamapi spends a moment wondering why that idiot is staring at him like that, but then he remembers: this is not his Toma.  As soon as he realises that, he knows what Toma's doing.

"Sorry," he says, as if it's somehow his fault.  "It's still me."

There's a flash of deep disappointment, one that Toma does his best to hide, but doesn't quite succeed in doing.  Toma gives him his best smile; it pales to the ones Yamapi's been treated to up to now.  "Can't blame a guy for hoping."

Actually, he thinks that he could.  Suddenly he feels a sharp pang of jealousy, one that he doesn't know what to do with, because seriously, how messed up is it to be jealous of yourself?  As if the whole skipping realities isn't messed up enough as it is.

Acutely aware of Toma's gaze on him, Yamapi stretches elaborately.  That's when his eyes fall on the DVR clock.  "Whoa!  It's past noon!"

Toma shrugs.  He's still huddled in his blanket.  Obviously his hopes were built on his Yamapi magically returning to him overnight; even though he's clearly trying, he can't seem to cheer up.

"We did stay up quite late," he says, his voice almost toneless, "and I've still got the day off, so it's not a big deal.  You, on the other hand, are still officially rehearsing with NEWS, though I suppose Ryo will cover for you again."

Yeah, even though his relationship with his own Ryo is far from friendly, Yamapi has no doubt that this Ryo will have his back.

"In that case, what are the plans for today?"

"I thought I'd treat you to lunch and we can see from there."

Yamapi nods enthusiastically, though inside he's hurting.  He can't bear to see Toma so down.  If only there were some way he could help him feel better.  He finds he's reached out and put his hand on Toma's knee before he's thought about it.

Toma looks at the hand, then at Yamapi and gives him a weak smile.  "I'm sorry," he says.  "Serves me right for getting my hopes up.

"Right!"  His lips pursed, Toma nods his head, his whole posture straightening.  His expression turns to resolve as he throws off his blanket with a flourish.  "That's enough feeling sorry for myself.  As if it's such a picnic for you to be stuck here."

Yamapi wants to contradict him, tell him that he doesn't mind at all, but that's the whole problem.  He likes this Toma a little too much and he's not his Toma to like or fall in love with.  At least he hopes he could give Toma just the tiny bit of strength he needed to pull out of his funk.

"You want the shower first?" Toma asks.

We could save time and water, and share, Yamapi finds himself thinking distractedly.  And that has him pulling up short once again.  Seriously, where the hell do these thoughts keep coming from?  They have to stop!

Toma gives him a strange look.  Yamapi finds that he can't meet his eye, as if Toma will know what he was thinking if he does.

"Oi!" Toma calls, when there's still no answer.  "Shower?"

With effort Yamapi snaps himself out of it.  He smiles sheepishly.  "Yeah, sure, go for it, Toma."

As Toma gives him a smile and then gets up to go into the bathroom, Yamapi buries his head in his hands and groans.  This is getting out of hand.

That's before he hears the water in the shower running and then suddenly there are images of naked Toma in his head, standing in a stream of water, hands running soap all across pale skin.  He can picture it so vividly, it takes his breath away.  In his mind's eye the hands caressing all that smooth skin are no longer Toma's, but have turned into Yamapi's.  There's a look on Toma's face as he turns to Yamapi...

Yamapi's eyes fly open.  He needs to find his way back to his own dimension.  Now, before he does something really embarrassing.



It's Toma's idea to go look for the girl Tomohisa woke up with that morning.  Perhaps, he reasons, she might have something to do with all this.  Tomohisa very much doubts it; moreover it wasn't his finest moment and he would much rather not be confronted with it again.

Fortunately the experience left such an impression on him that he can still remember the exact address.  Unfortunately she happens to be home when they call on her.

Her face betrays her annoyance when she sees Tomohisa on her doorstep.  "Oh."  She sighs, crossing her arms in exactly the same way she did that morning.  Tomohisa's just grateful that she's a little more covered this time.  "What do you want?"

He gives Toma a helpless look.  He in turn cocks his eyebrow at Tomohisa in... what?  Is that supposed to be encouragement?

"Something happened that night."  She snorts, but he continues.  "I was wondering if you noticed anything weird."

"Look," she says, "if you lost something I can't be held responsible.  I'm not a thief.  I've never stolen anything in my life."

"No, no," he's quick to assure her.  "It's nothing like that.  Just tell me if you noticed anything weird."

Her expression turns pensive.  "Actually, yes, I did.  Something really weird that I still can't figure out."

Both Toma and Tomohisa lean a little closer, anxious to hear what she has to say.  The smirk that precedes her reply doesn't predict anything good.  Sure enough...

"How can someone so hot be such a spectacularly lousy lay?"

Tomohisa recoils in horror, while Toma chortles.  Struggling to keep a straight face, he gives Tomohisa a questioning look; he returns it with one of his own, one that he hopes clearly conveys the message: 'I'm not a spectacularly lousy lay!  Honest!'  Why is she belittling his prowess in the sack in front of the guy he's trying to get into it?  Also, he's out of practice with girls!  He hasn't been with one since Toma and that was five years ago!  Surely she should take that into account?

What the hell is he thinking?  It wasn't even him having sex with this girl.  Of that he's convinced.

"Other than that."  Toma, being extremely unhelpful, and if Tomohisa's not mistaken, enjoying this a little too much, gives him a cheeky smile.  Tomohisa pulls a face at him.

She shakes her head.  "Can't think of anything.  I mean, he was drunk out of his skull."  This with a fling of her hand in Tomohisa's direction.  He flinches, even though he knows it wasn't him.  "But I thought: hey, it's Yamapi!  As if I'll ever have the chance again to bang the hottest guy in Japan."  She gives Toma an apologetic smile.  "No offense, Ikuta-san."

Now it's Toma's turn to look uncomfortable; he waves his hand back and forth quickly.  Tomohisa feels no sympathy.

"Who knew," she continues, "that it would be more of a whimper than a bang."

"Yeah, yeah," Tomohisa interrupts her.  He's had quite enough of her defaming his manhood.  "We got that bit.  Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?"

Sighing, she thinks it over again, but even then her only reply is a disappointing shake of her head.





Because Yamapi professes a desire for soba, Toma decides to take him to Tomohisa's favourite sobaya.  They both burst out laughing when it turns out to be Yamapi's favourite sobaya as well.

"Some things are just meant to be," Toma says, as they get seated, "like your obsession with food."

And us, Yamapi thinks, and secretly hopes that Toma is thinking the same thing.

"Tell me more about NEWS," he asks, while they wait for their orders to arrive.

"Mmmn," Toma muses, "maybe you'd better ask Ryo about that.  He gets to witness it firsthand."  Yamapi can clearly hear a touch of jealousy in Toma's voice.  "All I get is second-hand stories."  Yep, definitely jealousy.  Once again, Yamapi feels an uncontrollable urge to make him feel better.

"As much as he gets on my nerves, I can't imagine not being in a band with Toma."  Ow!  That wasn't what he meant to say.  He meant to say something that would make Toma feel better, not have his face twist in pain like it is doing right now!  And yet, it's only when it's out of his mouth that Yamapi realises the truth of his words.  "Wow," he adds, "I actually mean that."

"Maybe," Toma offers carefully, "that's why you were brought here.  To be reminded of that."

"That you're more than just the guy who nags me when I'm late for rehearsals and judges my promiscuous ways?"

Toma smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.  "And take that with you when you return to your own reality.  Appreciate what you've got with Four Tops."

"I don't think that's the only reason I was brought here though," Yamapi says.  He's suddenly reminded of that conversation he had with Ryo, god, was that only yesterday?  It feels like a lifetime ago.  At the time he dismissed it as impossible, but now he thinks it actually might be true, that he was brought here to fall in love with Toma.

Something makes him reach out and grab Toma's hand.  While Toma gives him a startled, questioning look, he turns over Toma's hand on the table and runs a finger down its palm.  Toma breathes out a sigh, but Yamapi doesn't look at him.  He keeps his eyes fixed on Toma's hand, as if facing Toma would rob him of the courage he needs to say this.

"When I get back I will try my utmost with Toma.  If there's one thing I will take back with me from my time here with you, it's that I want this, Toma.  I want what you and your Yamapi have."

He darts a quick look across the dining hall to see if anyone's watching, brings Toma's hand to his lips and presses a quick kiss to his palm. When he lets go of Toma's hand and looks at him, he finds Toma is looking back, an inscrutable expression on his face.  It takes him a while to speak.

"I really do hope it works out for you two," he says, his voice quiet, "but I can't help feeling it would be monumentally unfair for you to have the best of both worlds."

Yamapi knows instantly what he means.  If Yamapi succeeds, he will have Four Tops and a happy ending with Toma.

"You could still be wrong, you know," he says, eager to lighten the mood.  "Maybe my Toma isn't harbouring any secret feelings for me at all and is just a miserable fart who derives pleasure out of sucking the joy out of other people's fun."  He doesn't believe it, not anymore, but he hopes it will bring a smile to Toma's face.  He's not in the least surprised when it doesn't.

"I'm not wrong," is all Toma says.

Maybe fortunately for both of them, their orders arrive and the next minutes are taken up by slurping noises and ecstatic cries of: "Yummy!"

Some time later, Toma picks up the conversation again.  "In the beginning, it did kill me that there was this whole part of Tomohisa's life that I wouldn't be a part of anymore."  It's a brave admission; Yamapi feels humbled that Toma has taken him in his confidence.  "Before NEWS we spent practically every minute together."

Yamapi pulls a face.  "Not necessarily a good thing.  I'm still convinced that it soured up my relationship with Toma."

Toma doesn't look convinced.  "You keep saying that and it's not that I don't believe you.  It's just..."  He sighs.  "God, Pi, there are times I would give my eyeteeth to be performing with Tomohisa again."

"You could always gatecrash a NEWS concert."  Yamapi's suggestion isn't really in earnest, but Toma seems to be contemplating it.

"That's not a bad idea."  When he sees the look on Yamapi's face, he bursts out laughing.  "Had you going there, didn't I?"   Yamapi glares at him.  "Tomohisa and I have been trying to get me as a guest on a NEWS concert for a long time, but our schedules have never made it feasible.  We're hoping we'll be able to do something during the upcoming Winter Party tour."

"I hope it comes together for you two."  He means it with all his heart.  Toma gives him a grateful look, one that reaches Yamapi to his very bones.

"I don't hate NEWS.  Not anymore."  It's again quite an admission; it renders Yamapi quiet.  "They're important to me because they're important to Tomohisa.  It took a long time for him to fall in love with NEWS, but now he does genuinely love them all.  How can I resent that?"

But part of Toma does, Yamapi can feel it.  It makes him quiet and grateful for what he does have.  He vows he will never take Four Tops or his time with his Toma for granted again.

There's another silence between them as they focus on their food, one where Yamapi finds his eyes drawn to Toma's lips, sucking the noodles into his mouth noisily.  They look so soft.  Yamapi bets that they would feel soft against his own lips.  He's kissed his forehead; he's kissed the palm of his hand.  Toma's lips feel like the next most natural step.

The sudden overwhelming urge to lean across this very table and plant a kiss on Toma's lips makes him gasp involuntarily.  The sound makes Toma look up sharply.  Perhaps the raw desire that's coursing through Yamapi's bones is right there in his face.  Whatever it is, it makes Toma freeze, suck in a tremulous breath.

"Tomo...," he sighs.

Does he feel it too?  He has to, right?  This thing between them, it's there, it's real.  It's not just in Yamapi's wishful thinking.

"Why don't we ask Ryo out to dinner tonight?" Toma suddenly suggests out of the blue, grinning a little too brightly.  "He'll be able to tell you much more about NEWS."

Yamapi's not fooled though.  He knows exactly what Toma's doing.  Safety in numbers.  He too can sense the growing tension between them.  Though he enjoyed Ryo's company a lot yesterday, he's not very eager to share his, what may turn out to be limited, time with Toma.  He wants Toma all to himself.

Before he can even say any of that, Toma's already got Ryo on his cell phone.  "Hey, it's Ikuta.  Want to have dinner with us tonight?"  Yamapi crosses his fingers hard and prays that Ryo's got other plans.  "That's great!"  Damn!  "You're in the mood for shabu shabu?"  He throws Yamapi a look; Yamapi just shrugs.  Whatever.  "OK, meet you at the usual place?  Around eight?  See you there!"

As he terminates his call, Toma gives him a cautious smile.  He knows, knows just as well as Yamapi does, that he's running.  Running from this thing between them.  Yamapi returns the smile weakly.



"Well, that was a waste of time," Toma grumbles, as they walk into the establishment and seat themselves at the bar.

They've spent the better part of the afternoon retracing Tomohisa's steps, which Tomohisa could have told him in advance would be a waste of time.  For one thing he doesn't remember anything prior to waking up in this world where nothing makes sense.  Secondly, as he's told Toma over and over again, he went to bed with Toma, not some random girl.

Tomohisa suspects that Toma just doesn't want to hear about the going to bed with Toma part.

Luckily Four Tops have the day off, so they didn't have to come up with excuses for missing rehearsals.  Though Tomohisa would have loved to spend some time with Jun and Shunsuke, get a glimpse of what his life might have been if Four Tops had debuted instead of NEWS, it would have been kind of awkward explaining why he doesn't remember any of their songs or dance routines.

Seeing how Shana couldn't provide them with anything helpful and the rest of the afternoon was a bust as well, they've decided to drown their sorrows.

"So now what?" Tomohisa asks.

Toma shrugs.  "Damned if I know."

While Toma orders their drinks, Tomohisa takes a look around the place.  He can't remember ever coming here before, though the bartender seems to know them both, as if they spend a lot of time here.  It's definitely a classy place.  No rowdy crowds or drunk salarymen, just quiet, important-looking people enjoying a night cap.  Most of them are out-of-town, from the looks of it even out-of-country business men and women.

Tomohisa's tour of the room pauses when he sees someone sitting by himself in a corner booth, nursing a Scotch, watching him.  That in itself is nothing unusual; he's been stared at since he was thirteen.  This man though isn't giving him the "Wow, you're Yamapi!" stare he sees on practically every face he meets.  No, this man is definitely giving him the "I'd like to get to know you better" smile.   Again, nothing unusual.  He gets hit on all the time, by either gender; he just never responds to it, certainly not with Toma sitting right next to him.

This time though, for the first time in five years, Tomohisa's considering flirting back.  Not so much because he's actually interested in the guy.  He's a foreigner, somewhere in his late twenties, probably on a business trip, also probably an American.  He's definitely not unhandsome, if perhaps a little too blonde for Tomohisa's taste.   

The reason why he's contemplating it now isn't because he's actually attracted to him; the reason is Toma.  Perhaps, if he sees Tomohisa flirting with some other guy, that tight hold he's got on his feelings might finally crumble.

Figuring it's worth a try, Tomohisa smiles back.  Not too brightly, just a friendly "I wouldn't mind getting to know you either" smile.  To Tomohisa's surprise - picking up people has never been his forte - it works like a charm.  The man's face lights up and he's instantly on his feet, walking towards them.  Eh?  Now what?  

"Hi there," he says in English, smiling brightly, "I'm hoping your answer to my first question will be yes and your answer to my second question will be no."  Tomohisa was right; he's American.  "Do you speak English?"

Tomohisa tries to appear confident, smiles back.  "Yes."

The American beams.  "Awesome!  And are you two together?"

For the first time since noticing the guy in the corner booth, Tomohisa turns to Toma, as if looking for confirmation.  Toma's face is a picture of incredulity.  Tomohisa turns back to the American, cheering inside.

"No, we're just friends."

The expression on the American's face is now one of the cat who ate all the cream.  He sticks out his hand.  "I'm Grant."

"Tomohisa," he says, shaking the man's hand.  "This is Toma."  Toma shakes Grant's hand as well, smiling sourly.

"Can I buy you guys a drink?"

Tomohisa waves his hand at the drinks the bartender has just put in front of them.  "Already ordered, sorry."

"That's too bad," Grant says, still smiling charmingly.  "Maybe you want to join me?"

Tomohisa looks at Toma; he's glaring at him.  "Sure, why not?"

"Fantastic!"  He leads the both of them back to his booth.  "I was supposed to meet my Japanese business partner," Grant says, as they take their seats in the comfortable leather chairs, "but I guess he's running late.  Lucky for me, eh?"  This last with another less than subtle smile in Tomohisa's direction.

Without acknowledging whether he's going to be lucky or not, Tomohisa asks: "What business?"

"Import," Grant says smoothly.  "I intend on introducing authentic Japanese produce to the general American population.  In the States they think Japanese people eat nothing but raw fish."  He laughs at his own lame joke and Tomohisa laughs out of politeness.  "And you two?  What do you do for a living?"

Could it be that this guy doesn't know who they are?  That would of course be possible if he's only been in the country for a few days.  Tomohisa wants to have a little fun, but what?  It's when he looks at Toma, narrowing his eyes at him that he's hit with inspiration.

"I'm a cop," he says.  "Crime division."

"Wow!  Aren't you a little young?"

Tomohisa nods.  "Youngest detective the Tokyo department's ever had."

Grant looks duly impressed.  "And you, Toma?"

Before Toma can reply, Tomohisa says: "He's my psychic partner."  Toma just stares at him in disbelief.

Either Grant is really gullible or he knows he's having his chain pulled and has decided to play along.  "Really?" he asks, without even blinking.

"Yes.  He has visions that help me solve crimes."

Grant smiles.  "I think I might be psychic too," he announces, "because I'm seeing a vision right now."

Toma groans low in his throat.  Tomohisa can't blame him.  This guy really needs to learn some subtlety.  Secretly though he hopes that Toma's more annoyed at the actual flirting than opposed to the quality of flirting.

The flirting does continue, though the standard doesn't quite improve.  It doesn't matter to Tomohisa, because beside him, Toma is getting more worked up all the time.  And that, ultimately, was Tomohisa's goal.

Just when Tomohisa's decided that he's pushed his luck quite far enough and he should quit while he's ahead, a panting little fellow comes running towards them.

"Sorry, sorry, Grant," he wheezes, "I got stuck in traffic."

Grant waves it away.  "It's OK, Yoshi.  It gave me the opportunity to meet some new friends.  Tomohisa, Toma, this is my business partner, Nakamura Yoshi."

Nakamura bows in their direction, straightens and then does a classic double take.  Oops!  Looks like their game is up.

And indeed, Nakamura grabs Grant by the arm, drags him out of his chair and a little distance away.  Maybe he thinks they're out of earshot, but they're not.  Tomohisa can hear every word being hissed by Nakamura.

"What the hell are you doing?  Do you know who that is?"

"Yeah," says Grant, "a really hot guy who's not very good at making up stories."

"That is Yamapi!  He's only one of the biggest idols in the country!  I can't believe you're trying to chat up Yamapi!  He's not gay!"

Tomohisa can't help ducking his head and sneaking a quick look at Toma.  His attention is totally on the other two.  Or perhaps he's simply ignoring Tomohisa.

"Really?"  Tomohisa can hear the incredulity in Grant's voice.  "Wow, my gaydar is off today."

"Way way way off," Nakamura insists.  "He's a notorious womanizer!"

That's exaggerating a bit!  So his relationship with Toma might not be common knowledge, but he hasn't been spotted with that many women either.  Oh, right!  That's not in this world.

This has gone far enough.  Tomohisa rises from his chair, ignores Toma's "What are you doing?" and walks up to the quarrelling duo.

"Excuse us for a moment?" he asks Nakamura in Japanese.

The man looks almost frightened as he bows to Tomohisa.  "Of course, Yamashita-san!  I do apologise for the misunderstanding!"

"Just go!"

Nakamura scurries away, leaving him alone with Grant, who looks at him with raised eyebrows.

"That wasn't you flirting then, was it?" he asks, clearly not believing a word of it.

"I'm sorry," he says sheepishly.  He feels like an idiot.  And he can't even blame this one on Jin. "I didn't mean to lead you on.  I hate to admit it, but I was using you."

Grant looks across Tomohisa's shoulder.  Tomohisa turns and sees Toma standing there, giving them a look that's a cross between disbelief and disapproval.  When he turns back to Grant, he sees that Grant's suddenly smiling.

"Now I get it."  He chuckles.  "Don't worry about it.  I've played that trick myself."  The flirting with one guy to get another guy jealous?  "He's very cute," Grant adds, "and obviously an idiot if someone as hot as you has to go to all this effort to get him to notice."  He digs a business card out of his inside pocket and hands it to Tomohisa.  "In case it doesn't work out with Clueless.  I'm in town for two more weeks."

Tomohisa smiles.  "I'm sorry.  I'm kind of stuck on the idiot."

"Pity."  He casts another look at Toma.  "Let's give him something to really stew about."  Before Tomohisa can say anything, Grant's planted a quick, but thorough kiss on his lips.  "OK," he admits, "maybe that one was more for my own benefit."  He grins at Tomohisa's gobsmacked expression.  "Serves you right for toying with my affections."

He watches Grant join Nakamura, almost afraid to turn around towards Toma.  He doesn't have to; Toma's suddenly standing beside him.  Good, this way he doesn't have to face him.

"Let's go," Toma says.  Tomohisa can't decide whether he sounds pissed off or just tired.



Ryo does indeed have fantastically entertaining stories and Yamapi can't deny that he's glad to be given this glimpse into what his life might have been if Four Tops hadn't debuted.

"We'll be nothing without Yamapi!" Ryo cries out.

Toma and Yamapi are howling with laughter.

"So Shige feels bad.  Koyama's about to go on stage for his play.  What if he messes things up because he's so worried that Yamapi's leaving the band?  So he sends a text back: 'Hey, you know what day it is?'  If Koyama would just notice that it's the 1st of April, he would realise it was all an April Fool's joke, right?  Guess what Koyama replied."

Laughing too hard to get a word out, Yamapi just shakes his head.

Grinning with satisfaction, Ryo launches into his punch line.  "It's Tuesday!"

This has all three of them in stitches again.  Finally Yamapi wheezes: "They sound like such characters!"

"Oh, Koyama and Shige are practically married."  Ryo's face twists when he sees the speculative look on Yamapi's face.  "Not like that!  Geez, not all of us are as gay as you two!"  Only much later does Yamapi think back on this moment and realise that he didn't even think it odd that Ryo included him into the description.  Ryo's face scrunches up again.  "At least I don't think they're like that.  Just extremely, extremely close friends.  Even refer to themselves as Koyashige."

"Koyashige!" Yamapi cries out, suddenly remembering.  "They're a unit in my reality!  Still juniors though."

"Just goes to show," Ryo says with a huge smile, "some things are just meant to be."

Toma and Yamapi share a look; Ryo's words are a little too close to what they had been discussing earlier.  As expected, the look between them doesn't go unnoticed by Ryo.

"Right."  Ryo smirks, casting a look from Toma to Yamapi that gives Yamapi a sudden urge to study the delicateness of the chinaware.  "Of course it wasn't all fun and laughter.  The first few months were a nightmare."

Yamapi sees the look this brings on Toma's face and almost reaches out to put his hand on Toma's arm, anything to show him that he's there for him.  With Ryo there, watching their every single move like a particularly sardonic hawk, he's not quite free to do that.  He stretches his left leg until he can feel the top of his foot connect with Toma's calf and just presses it there.

The idea was to remain undetected by Ryo, but if Toma's going to widen his eyes like that and give Yamapi a death stare, of course Ryo is going to narrow his eyes in suspicion!  Which he's doing not quite so subtly.  Yamapi quickly retrieves his foot, perhaps a little too vigorously; it connects rather ungently with Ryo's shin.

Ryo doesn't even blink.  "Oh, yes," he continues his tale, as if nothing at all untoward is going on underneath the table, "it wasn't pretty at all.  Pi in the middle of the rehearsal room, sulking because they'd torn him away from his beloved Four Tops.  The rest of the guys cowering in every corner, either intimidated by his presence or scared to death that he was going to take it out on them.  And me stuck in the middle acting as buffer.

"And speaking of acting as a buffer."  At this point his tone goes from conversationally light to pissed off between one heartbeat and the next.  "I don't appreciate being invited to dinner to find out I'm only there so you two wouldn't have to deal with..."  He flounders for a moment, waving his arms around theatrically as he looks for the right description.  "...whatever this thing between you two is."

While Yamapi and Toma gawk at him, Ryo, at the end of his patience, stands up from the table and gives them one of his patented Ryo glares.  "Don't waste your breaths.  I can practically feel the sexual tension between you two.  God, it's like I've gone back in time five years and it's you two starting to date all over again, only not half as cute.  

"Look.  Yamapi..."  He grimaces at Yamapi. "...not you, the other Yamapi, is one of my closest friends.  I don't want to see him get screwed over."  This last at Toma who looks down at the table.  "But at the same time you are Pi and I know the two of you can't be in the same room for more than five seconds without sex ensuing."  This makes both of them look at the table.  "So have at it already!  Geez!  You're both adults, aren't you?  Start acting like it!"

His expression softens, as he adds with a big smile: "Good night."  And without another look back, he marches out of the restaurant.

Feeling like he's a five-year-old who's just been told off, Yamapi dares to look at Toma; he looks back at Yamapi with a similar chastised expression on his face.

"Shall we go home?" Toma asks quietly.  Yamapi simply nods.  It's only when they go to pay the bill that they discover that Ryo has paid for them all.

The drive home is quiet and uncomfortable.  Even though they know they have to confront it sooner or later, neither of them is willing to broach the oh, so dangerous subject.  The tension continues to build throughout the rest of the evening.  Finally, with Toma sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing and Yamapi on his knees at the coffee table, pretty much doing the same, the dam finally bursts.
In a swift movement, before he loses his nerve, Yamapi leans forward and presses a kiss to Toma's lips.  It's brief and chaste, but it has Toma pulling back, gazing at Yamapi with surprise.

"The curiosity was killing me," Yamapi says softly, his face still inches removed from Toma's.  "I had to know what it would feel like."

Toma licks his lips, maybe without even realising it.  "And how does it feel?" he asks, sounding cautious.

Yamapi smiles.  "Like I want to do that again."

The smile Toma treats him to is breathtaking.  As if they've both decided that they are going to do this, they lean towards each other again and this time the kiss is real.  Toma's arms wind around Yamapi, pull him between his legs and close to his body and it's everything that Yamapi's been daydreaming about for the last few days.  It's even better when Toma pulls him up and they end up on the couch, Yamapi on top of Toma.  One of Toma's hands finds its way underneath Yamapi's shirt, pulls him closer still and god, it feels fantastic.  Yamapi's hands aren't idle either, exploring every surface of Toma's body.

More than anything though it's their kisses, one melting and sliding into another like they can't get enough of it.  What surprises Yamapi most is the tenderness in them.  Yes, it's hot, bumping and grinding against Toma, but this tenderness, this bond between them, that is something that takes his very breath away.



The drive home is in silence.  If this were his Toma, he would know what was going through his mind, because Tomohisa can read him like a book.  This Toma though is a mystery.  Maybe, he thinks, that's why he's so hell-bent on breaking through that façade, discover the man behind that wall he's erected around himself.

Toma parks the car in the underground car park, but instead of getting out of the car, he just sits there, his forehead leaning against his hands on the wheel.  This is really starting to freak out Tomohisa.  Maybe he pushed Toma too far.  He sits there, watching the hunched over figure anxiously.

And then it starts, a sound that almost resembles coughing and then sort of grows into a wheezing that makes Tomohisa's heart freeze.  Is Toma crying?

Toma throws his head back and he's laughing, laughing his head off.  Relief swamping him, Tomohisa joins him.

"The youngest crime detective in the Tokyo department?" Toma finally manages, when he's caught his breath.  "And I'm your psychic partner?  Where the hell do you get this stuff?"

Through his laughter, Tomohisa frowns at him.  "Your drama."

"Please tell me I was the psychic!"

"Sorry to disappoint you.  You were the cop."  Tomohisa smiles with delight.  It feels wonderful to see Toma laughing like this, see him so open and unguarded.  It's the Toma he knows and loves, and has missed these last few days.  "The psychic was a very pretty young woman."

Toma gives him a mock-offended glare.  "Are you calling me a woman?"

"Oh, no," Tomohisa says, seeing an opening that's too good to miss, "you are definitely not the woman."  Yes, he meant that to sound just the way it did.

Toma hears it too.  His mood sobers.  "So," he says, "you really are gay.  I didn't believe it until I saw you with that guy.  My Yamapi would never flirt with a guy."  He snorts.  "Well, maybe if Akanishi dared him to.  Oh, he flaunts his women in my face..."  Toma stops abruptly, as if he's said too much.  Tomohisa realises that's exactly what he's done.

It's as if a light has been switched on in a dark room; suddenly Tomohisa understands why Toma has that tight rein on his longing.  It's self-protection.

"Does it make you feel uncomfortable that I'm gay?"  Toma's already shaking his hand vigorously, but Tomohisa hasn't finished yet.  "That I sleep with... well, not men.  A man."

Toma freezes at the implication, his eyes widening in understanding.  That man is him.  And that's the part that's making him uncomfortable.  And has him running scared.  Not because he thinks it's wrong or disgusting, but because he wants it too much.

A sudden, almost crazy thought pops into Tomohisa's head.  What if this is the reason he was brought here?  To show Toma that he can reach out and grab something he really wants.

"Tomohisa?"  Toma sounds strange.  Hesitant and vulnerable.

"Yes?" Tomohisa replies carefully, understanding how tenuous this moment is.  It feels like they're finally connecting.  His breath catches when he sees Toma lift his hand, move it towards Tomohisa.

Yes, yes, he thinks, finally, come on, Toma, you can do it!

The exultation is short-lived.  Toma's hand falls back to his side.  His head lowered, as if he can't even look at Tomohisa, he opens the car door and steps out.  Tomohisa sits there for a moment longer, hitting his fist into his thigh with sheer frustration.  It was so close, almost within touching distance, literally.

He follows Toma into the elevator, up to Toma's apartment door, but he can't just let it go yet.  It felt like Toma was on the brink of a breakthrough, that all he needed was just another tiny little push.

With Toma busy unlocking his apartment's door, Tomohisa can't resist.  He reaches out a hand, puts it between Toma's shoulder blades and runs it gently all along his spine until it settles in the small of his back.  The shiver that runs along Toma's back is the best result he could have hoped for.

Toma doesn't say anything though, just opens the door, allows Tomohisa to enter his apartment before him and closes the door behind them.  Tomohisa's already feeling that sinking feeling of disappointment again when something happens that he would never have thought possible.  Toma grabs him and pushes him against the door so hard he almost sees stars.  But he doesn't care.  There's only one thought racing through his head: yes, yes, finally, a reaction.  And then Toma's lips are on his; what he's doing though can barely be called kissing.  He's attacking Tomohisa's mouth, demanding entrance and all Tomohisa can do, all he wants to do is surrender.  Toma already has a hand sneaked underneath his shirt and god, yes, yes!

It's too good to be true.  Of course it is.  The next moment, as if someone poured a bucket of cold water on him, Toma pulls back abruptly.  It's too dark in the entrance hall; they never even took time to switch on the lights.  He can't see Toma's eyes, can't see what's going on in his face.  What he does see is Toma stumbling backwards, fleeing yet again.  As Tomohisa sinks slowly to the floor, partly from the overwhelming feelings still coursing through him, partly from sheer sadness, he hears the door of Toma's bedroom slam shut.

And that's how he ends up spending another night on Toma's sofa.



That night they don't do much more than make out on the sofa, but they do end up in Toma's bed together.  There too they don't do much beyond hold each other and sleep.  Now that he's finally here, Yamapi wants to take his time, not rush into anything, if only to prove that this is real, not like all his other hook-ups.  And it feels good just holding Toma.

A little too good, he finds the next morning.  He wakes curled around Toma's back, holding him close and he's hard, with Toma's perfect round ass right there to rub up against.  He might be new to this whole gay thing, but he knows what feels good.  The nape of Toma's neck looks pale and inviting, and Yamapi just has to suck a kiss there.

That seems to finally get Toma's attention; he stirs with a groan.

"Tomo," he sighs, pushing his butt against Yamapi's hardness.  Yamapi continues kissing into Toma's hair and god, Toma rubbing up against him like that feels so fucking fantastic.  Right this moment he doesn't even care if Toma thinks it's him or his own Yamapi.  Hell, for all he cares he might be thinking about Nagase.

He's already got his hands on Toma's stomach.  It's just a little southwards move to slip them into his pyjama pants.  It should feel odd to have someone else's dick in his hand, but from this angle, it almost kind of feels like his own.  This, he thinks, is something he can do.  He gives an experimental stroke.  Toma makes a fantastic sound and lets his head fall back on Yamapi's shoulder, mouths at Yamapi's jaw.

"That's it," he whispers encouragement into Toma's skin, building up the rhythm, just the way Yamapi likes himself.  It's breathtaking the way they fit together.  Yamapi's setting the pace, not only with his hand on Toma's dick, but with his pelvis pushing Toma into his fist.  And god, he thinks, he could come just from the sounds Toma's making.  Just a few more strokes, he can feel it...

"Wait, wait!"  Toma suddenly sounds desperate.  Startled, Yamapi let's go.  Before he can ask what's wrong, Toma's turned in his arms.

From that moment there's no room to think.  Suddenly all his senses are under attack, Toma kissing him ravenously, hot, hungry snatches of mouth and lips.  With his leg thrown over Yamapi's thigh, he rolls him onto his back and god, yes, Toma has the best ideas!  That's what he needs, Toma on top of him, between his thighs, so perfect, so good.  His hands scramble at the back of Toma's pants, push them off just far enough so he has a perfect butt cheek in each palm and god, yes, the friction as their cocks slide against each other is divine.

"Toma, Toma," he pants between fierce snatches of those wonderful lips.

Toma's the one who's in control now, who's setting the pace.  Yamapi's grip is only to urge him on, but there's no need.  His hand slides under Toma's shirt, onto sweat-soaked skin.  It feels perfect and Toma's face above him, god, his face!  Who knew anything could be that hot?

And then Toma freezes, his expression amazing as he comes.  It's enough to send Yamapi too hurtling over the edge.

"Mmmmn," Toma says, some time later, still on top of Yamapi and sucking at Yamapi's neck, "my favourite way of waking up."

"Probably will be mine too," Yamapi says, his arms around Toma.  He feels Toma freeze for just a second, as if he's only now realised who Yamapi isn't.  It shouldn't be as painful as it still turns out to be.



He's just towelling himself dry when the door suddenly opens and Toma walks in.  There's a look of surprise on his face - maybe he just forgot that Tomohisa's in the shower - but it's not there for long.  It melts into such naked desire that Tomohisa almost feels like covering himself up with his towel.  Then again, that would be totally defeating the purpose.  So he just stands there, his towel limp in his hand and lets Toma look his fill, almost defying him to do something about it.

Maybe that's why this time Toma doesn't do what he's always done before: a hasty retreat.  Something flashes across Toma's face, as if something is snapping inside him and then he's reached Tomohisa in two steps; pushes him until he's got him pressed against the bathroom wall and before Tomohisa can think about what's happening Toma's body is covering his and his lips are on his.

His own reaction is instinctive.  It feels so good to have Toma in his arms again; he just needs that connection that he thought he'd lost.  With a frustrated noise, he clutches Toma closer, returns the kiss with all the pent up longings inside him.  Their tongues meet, clash, retreat; one kiss, then another, and another, each one growing in heat and intensity.

And then Toma pulls back suddenly, looks into Tomohisa's eyes with wide eyes, dark with desire.  That's it, Tomohisa thinks.  He's thinking about it again.  He's going to run again.

Again Toma takes him by surprise.  With a move that is far too graceful, Toma's suddenly on his knees.  The image alone is enough to short-circuit Tomohisa's brain, but then there's a mouth lavishing kisses on his stomach, a tongue swirling patterns. He groans and bangs his head on the bathroom wall.

"Your body," Toma murmurs, between sucks and kisses, "it's like a work of art.  I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life."

Tomohisa would say something, that a lot of work has gone into that piece of art, but he can't seem to form any words, let alone sentences.  All that comes out of his mouth are nonsensical noises, as he tries hard not to twist his hands in Toma's hair and drag him where he wants him most.  His hands are on Toma's hair, but petting gently, trying not to scare him away.

And then, finally, yes, Toma's mouth is right there on his cock, licking first, as if trying to find his way, but then there's no more hesitation and he's sucking Tomohisa's cock into his mouth.

"God, Toma!"

It feels so incredible.  His hands are twisted in Toma's hair; his arms are shaking with the effort of trying to hold still, not scare Toma, not fuck his mouth the way he wants to.  If all the blood in his brain weren't needed in his cock right now, it would have been obvious to Tomohisa that this is not the first time Toma's had a dick in his mouth.  Somewhere in the back of his brain the information is stored as something that needs to be addressed.

Right now though, the only thoughts going through his brain are: god, so good, Toma, don't stop, this is so good, this is going to be the death of me.  It builds and builds and then he can't help himself.  He does grab Toma's head, holds him still as he thrust deep into his throat and comes.

When he opens his eyes, Toma's sitting on his ass and yet still on his knees.  His hair is standing in every direction, the work of Tomohisa's fingers.  But what's totally undoing Tomohisa is the look in his eyes.  And then Toma wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.  It's the hottest thing he's ever seen.  

Before either of them know it, he's got Toma on his back, is tearing at the button of his jeans, unzipping them, and has his hand down his pants, while his mouth covers Toma's, sucks on his tongue.  They both sigh into the kiss when Tomohisa's hand finds Toma's cock.  The noises Toma makes at the first stroke are music to his ears.  Toma's hand comes up, covers Tomohisa's head, runs his fingers through his hair as Toma moans and Tomohisa strokes him and drives him closer and closer over the edge.  He tumbles over it, Tomohisa's name on his lips.  

It's quite a long time later when Toma speaks.  Tomohisa has his head on Toma's chest.  Toma's still fully clothed, his shirt is damp with sweat.

"I wish you could stay," Toma says softly.

And that shocks Tomohisa senseless.  In that moment he realises that Toma's right.  This is not his world.  He can't stay.

Raising himself up on his elbow he looks at Toma, gasps at the sadness in his eyes.  "You can have this with your Tomohisa too."

Toma shakes his head.  "No, I can't.  He's not interested in guys."

"How long have you been in love with him?" he asks, stunned.  It's odd to think of himself in third person.

"As long as I can remember," Toma admits with a wry smile.

"Oh, Toma."  He sighs, his heart breaking.  "Is that why you couldn't let go?"

Toma smiles sadly.  "Once the flood gates have been opened, there's no way to close them again."   And Tomohisa has been banging on those gates with a battering ram.  He almost feels guilty now.   "Don't," Toma says softly, his hand on Tomohisa's face, accurately reading the expression there,  "if this is all I get, it's better than nothing."

Tomohisa opens his mouth to say something, because, god, that's just the saddest thing he's ever heard; Toma halts him with a kiss.  When Toma pulls back, he's smiling again.  "At least I don't have to wonder anymore."  He grins.  "You are so not a lousy lay."

Tomohisa just has to kiss him again.



Reality, as it so often turns out to be, is much better than the fantasy.  It was true about kissing Toma and about making love to Toma.  As for that showering fantasy of his?  Oh, yes, so much better.

Yamapi slides soapy hands down Toma's shoulders, his smooth back, the narrowest hips ever known to mankind.  Massaging shampoo into Toma's scalp, guiding his head under the shower stream, careful that none of the water gets into Toma's eyes, he's overcome with a wave of tenderness he's never felt before in his life.

This, he thinks, is love.  And that's why he's never felt it before.

"I can't believe how blind I've been all these years," he says quietly.  "Or that Toma's never said anything."

"Maybe," Toma offers carefully, "your Toma doesn't know any more than you did."

"He knows."  He says it without even thinking about it, but once he does, he knows it to be true.  So many things are suddenly starting to make sense.  Words that he thought meant one thing are interpretable as something else.  Glances he caught have taken on an entirely different meaning.  What he thought was jealousy was indeed jealousy, but of a different nature.  A surge of irrational anger shoots through him.  "I'm going to kick his ass."

"I can think of better uses for his ass," Toma says, grinning mischievously.

The image that flashes through his brain is so provocative that the fingers rinsing shampoo out of Toma's hair freeze for a moment.  His gaze falls automatically down on said butt right there, naked and slim and gorgeous before him.  Doing what Toma seems to be implying  seems immense and scary, most of all because he wants it so badly.  He's getting hard just thinking about it.

It's not about sexual orientation, he realises in that instant.  It's about how he feels about Toma, how much he wants that connection.

"Turn around," he says gruffly.  The sight of Toma's ass is suddenly too much, too tempting.  He's just learning to walk in this gay world; he's not up to running yet, no matter how much his dick seems to disagree.  Toma obliges and oh, hello!  There's a penis there and it looks very interested in the proceedings.

Toma smiles and kisses Yamapi sweetly.  "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

That's not the problem though.  He wants to do it, do all of it.  He just doesn't know where to start.  So he sticks to what's worked so far.  He lathers more soap onto his hands and starts washing Toma's front, savouring the silky feeling of his chest, the hard nubs of his nipples, his flat stomach.  It feels natural to sink to his knees to wash Toma's legs and suddenly it's right there in front of his nose.

How would it feel?  The thought's not even fully formed or Yamapi's mouth is already there, tasting, licking experimentally.

Toma gasps.  His hands pet Yamapi's head urgently.  "Tomo, you don't have to..."  But he wants to, even more so when Toma's words taper off into a guttural groan and his fingers twist into Yamapi's hair.

"I've gotten plenty of these," Yamapi says, smiling sheepishly up at Toma, "but I'm totally new to giving one."

"You're doing great," Toma assures, his voice breathy and god, so hot.  "Just watch the teeth and you'll be fine."

OK, he can do this.  Fist at the base, lips around the head.  Toma lets out another moan that suggests he's on the right track.  He slides his lips as far as they will go, pulls back slowly.  That seems to be a hit, so he does it a few more times.  It's a bit awkward and uncomfortable at first, but slowly he starts to get into the rhythm, starts enjoying it even.  Maybe he can even take him a little deeper.

"Fuck," Toma gasps, his fingers tightening almost painfully in Yamapi's hair.  He's trying hard not to thrust into Yamapi's mouth; he can feel it, recognises the trembling of his limbs, but Yamapi doesn't want him to hold back.  He wants all of Toma.

He takes him all the way down his throat, forces himself not to gag.  Toma's hips thrust almost against his own will.

"Tomo-chan," he gasps, "Tomo, stop, I'm going to come."

Isn't that the point?  So Yamapi doesn't pull back, let's Toma fuck his mouth, thrilled when Toma thrusts one more time and comes in his mouth.  He swallows convulsively, some of it dribbles down and washes away with the water.

Slightly dazed by his own actions, he sits there on his knees and stares up at Toma.  He's leaning against the shower cell wall, his legs trembling, his head tilted back, his breath coming fast and hard.  He's the sexiest thing Yamapi's ever seen.

What surprises him most is how much he enjoyed that, how aroused it made him.  His cock feels heavy with want.

Then Toma looks down at him and it turns out Yamapi was wrong.  That look on his face, that's the sexiest thing he's ever seen.

"Your turn," Toma says, his voice husky, and picks up the soap.



By the time they reach the bedroom Toma is as naked as Tomohisa is.  They can't seem to stop kissing as they fall onto the bed.  After a bit of making out, with first one, then the other on top, Toma breathes into his ear: "On your stomach."

He does as told, wondering what Toma has in mind.  The next moment he knows when he feels Toma's tongue on his spine, licking and sucking.  Tomohisa is reminded of that other revelation he had in the bathroom.

"You're so not a novice at this," he says, shivering at the feeling of Toma's tongue making a clear path down his spine; it dips between his butt cheeks.  Toma halts for a moment; Tomohisa can feel him rest his cheek against Tomohisa's lower back.  He  casts a look across his shoulder.

"Just a passing resemblance is enough," Toma says in a low voice, his breath wafting against Tomohisa's heated skin.  "Maybe the same shape of face as yours.  Maybe the same way of walking.  Anything that allows me to pretend."

Tomohisa closes his eyes, wonders how many times Toma can break his heart.  He doesn't know what to say.  Perhaps he doesn't need to say anything.  Toma's already resumed his downward route.  Tomohisa gasps as his tongue teases at his asshole.

"God, Tomo," he says, "the things I want to do to you."

"You can," Tomohisa says, his breath catching.  He suddenly considers something and lifts himself onto his elbow, looks down at Toma.  "Everything but not that."

Toma looks up at him.  Something flashes across his face, but it's gone before Tomohisa can decipher it.  "I understand."

"No," Tomohisa says vehemently and sits up completely, takes one of Toma's hands, "not because I don't want you to.  Because that's something you really only should do with your Tomohisa."

Toma smiles sadly.  "There's no chance in hell of that ever happening."

This is really starting to piss him off.  "You don't even know!" he cries, exasperated.  He sighs and adds, more gently: "Toma, promise me that you will tell him."

"It scares me to death," Toma admits, his head lowered.

"But think of what you could gain," Tomohisa insists.

"Or what I could lose."

And that, frankly, hurts.  "Do you really believe that?" he asks softly.  "Do you really think I would stop being your friend because you happen to be in love with me?"

It seems that it's finally starting to sink in, what Tomohisa's trying to say; Toma looks up sharply; his gaze pierces Tomohisa with a hot, fierce anger.  "No."

He leans closer, rewards him with a kiss.  "Then promise me, Toma."

It's so quiet, Tomohisa has to strain to hear it.  "I promise I'll tell him."  They fall back onto the mattress, snatching kisses.  "Can I...," Toma whispers.

"Anything," Tomohisa replies passionately, before he can even get the rest of the question out.

"Can I just hold you?"

And that makes it four hundred and three times Toma's broken his heart.



When Yamapi suddenly snorts, Toma gives him a questioning look.  They're in bed, facing each other, tired and sated after round... oh, who's still keeping count?

"What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking.  Four Tops had the stupidest lyrics when we were kids.  We would sing about passion and desires, and we didn't know what the hell we were talking about."

"Speak for yourself.  I am a year older than you."

Yamapi smirks.  "You were not more experienced than me, age notwithstanding."

Toma looks like he's going to contest that assessment, his expression one of outrage, but then it quickly melts into a sheepish smile.  "No, I wasn't."  He runs a finger tenderly across Yamapi's ear.  "I did feel a bit protective about you, because you were younger."

"I know," Yamapi says, closing his eyes at the wave of tenderness that sweeps through him.  "I always felt so safe.  When did I start to lose that?"

"You can have it again," Toma says, but half of his words are swallowed by a yawn.  His eyes are starting to flutter closed.

"Are you falling asleep on me, old man?"

"Just five minutes," Toma mumbles, his eyes closed already.  "I'm not as sprightly as you young'uns."

Yamapi smiles, kisses him softly on his lips and closes his eyes as well.



He feels warm and protected when he wakes, and buries himself a little deeper in Toma's embrace.  Wait!  That smell!  That's...

Tomohisa's eyes fly open.  He knows that smell, knows it deep in his bones.  He looks at the sleeping face before him.  He knows that face.   Before he can get too excited, he casts a look around the room, just to make sure, but yes!  That's Toma's bedroom... their bedroom!  

Sitting up quickly, he shakes Toma roughly.  "Toma!  Toma, wake up!"

Toma grimaces, glares at Tomohisa.  "What the hell?"

"Toma!"  He knows he's probably scaring Toma with his crazy grin, but he can't stop himself.  "When did we first kiss?"

"Did you have to wake me for that?" Toma grumbles, but then his expression chances.  It turns to excitement.  Does Toma recognise him too?  He sits up abruptly, suddenly wide awake and looks at Tomohisa with bated breath.  "NHK dressing room," he says, a hopeful look on his face, "after finishing our last Shounen Club together."

It's very unmanly, but Tomohisa squeals with happiness.  Toma is beaming too, as Tomohisa adds: "We were crying and kissing."

"And kissing and crying," Toma adds.  His face is the best thing Tomohisa's ever seen.  "Tomo-chan?"

"Yes!  It's me, Toma!"

They're on their knees, hugging and kissing, and yes, even bouncing up and down with happiness and relief.  When they're all squealed out, they fall back onto the mattress, just happy to hold each other, sharing an occasional kiss.

It hasn't escaped Tomohisa's attention that they're both naked.  Though he can't deny a sharp sting of jealousy, he still hopes it means what he thinks it means.

"Toma," he starts carefully, "there's something I need to tell you."

"Mmmmn," Toma mumbles, more interested it seems in nibbling on Tomohisa's ear.

Tomohisa takes a deep breath.  "I slept with him."  Toma lets go of his ear, pulls back to give him a strange look.  "But, Toma," he quickly adds, before Toma can say anything, "he was so lonely!  And he was you!"  His heart skips a beat when Toma smiles.  Yes, he thinks, please, Toma, tell me you did.

"Maybe he won't be so lonely anymore," Toma replies hesitantly.  "I slept with him too."

Yes!

Toma laughs when Tomohisa practically jumps on top of him, starts kissing him frantically.  "You don't need to be quite so happy about it!"

"That's my Toma," Tomohisa says, between kisses on his face, his eyes, his lips, the tip of that ridiculous nose.  "Can turn even the most heterosexual man gay."

Toma pulls a face, as if he's offended, but Tomohisa knows better.  This is his Toma.  He knows him like no other.

"There is a compliment in there somewhere," Toma grumbles, but he's grinning widely.

"It's going to work out for them, I just feel it."

They kiss for a while, but then Toma asks: "Was he really that horrible?"

Tomohisa smiles sadly and shakes his head.  "Oh, Toma, imagine you're in love with me."

"Not that difficult," Toma says, smiling.

"And have been for years."

"Again not that hard to relate to."

"But you can't touch, can't let him know, always have to keep on your toes, can't let anything slip."

"Ouch," Toma says, physically flinching.  With nothing but love in his eyes, he leans closer for a kiss.  "Thank you for being there for me."

"And the other me?"  Tomohisa asks.

Toma shrugs.  "Just the same as you, but even stupider."

Tomohisa hits him lightly upside the head; Toma laughs.

"Do you think that's why we got switched," Tomohisa asks, "to bring them together?"

Toma shrugs.  "We did our part.  The rest is up to them."

He sends a silent prayer to that other Toma, reminding him of the promise he made, but then Toma's kissing him and nothing else matters for a long time.



There are two things he notices when he wakes and they are Toma's arms wrapped protectively around him.  He's still dozing, slowly surfacing into wakefulness, still savouring the warmth of Toma's nearness, the satisfaction deep in his bones, when something else suddenly vies for his attention.  This bedroom.  It's wrong, not at all how he remembers it.

A dreadful feeling starts to form in the pit of his stomach.  Maybe this is it.  Maybe they've been switched back.  But he's in bed with Toma!

Almost hesitantly, he looks across his shoulder.  That is Toma all right, still asleep, a contented smile on his face, cheek pressed up against Yamapi's shoulder.  

His Toma, he realises with a shock.  Well, what do you know.  Guess Toma was right after all.

At the thought of that other Toma, he feels a slight regret, missing him already.  He concentrates on the thought that he's in bed with a naked Toma and that's not nothing.  One thing is certain.  He will do everything in his power to make that happen, undo the damage they did to each other, make this Toma happy and make Four Tops as much fun as it used to be.

Gently, careful not to wake Toma, he slips out of his arms, momentarily regretting the warmth he leaves behind.  He's on the sofa, his legs pulled up to his body and nursing a cup of tea when Toma emerges from the bedroom, wearing only his pyjama bottoms.  

Suddenly his heart is in his throat.  He shouldn't feel this awkward, not after everything he's done with Toma, but this is different.  This is his Toma.  He can't afford to fuck this up.

Toma, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be aware at all that they've switched back.  There's a warm smile on his face as he walks towards Yamapi and plants a kiss on his lips without even a hint of hesitation.  Yamapi's heart skips just a beat.  There is a difference after all, he notes.

Toma seems to notice it as well.  As he straightens, he licks his lips and looks at Yamapi oddly. 

"Anything wrong, Tomohisa?" he asks, clearly worried about the lack of response.  And that's another thing that's weird.  He's used to the other Toma calling him Tomohisa, but this one has never called him anything but Yamapi.

Might as well get this over with as quickly as possible.

"You can call me Yamapi," he says.

The realisation is instant.  All colour seems to drain from Toma's face as he takes a startled step back.

"You're..."

Yamapi gives him a small smile.  "Your one and only, Toma."

"I... I...," he stammers, looking back at the bedroom he just came from, no doubt wondering how the two of them woke up.  He looks so panicked that Yamapi can't take it anymore.  He sets down his tea on the coffee table.

"Toma, calm down," he says firmly, "there's nothing for you to worry about.  You already know that I know.  I'm not going to hate you for what you did."  For what he did himself.  

Toma does seem to calm down a little, though he still doesn't look at ease.  

"But god, Toma," he can't help adding, "why didn't you tell me?"

The look he gets back from Toma is firm and resolved.  "You didn't want to hear."

Ah, perhaps Toma's got a point.  Perhaps he wasn't paying attention.  That's one of the first things that's going to change.  He's certainly paying attention right now.  "Maybe," he offers, "I wasn't ready to hear it."

That seems to confuse Toma.  "So you're ready now?"  His voice is dripping with scepticism.  Even as he says it, he realises why.  "You slept with him!"

"So did you!"  It's not an accusation, just a statement.  To Yamapi's surprise, Toma doesn't flinch.  Not even blinking, not turning his gaze away, he nods his head.  "Are you in love with him?"  Toma thinks about it for moment, keeps his eyes locked on Yamapi and nods again.

Fuck!  Not that he can blame Toma for something he's guilty of himself.

"Because he's you, you idiot!" Toma snaps.

"Oh, thank God," he says, overcome with relief.  Despite Yamapi's visible joy, Toma still seems to be hesitating.  "Will you just get over here?" he says, exasperated.  Leaning towards Toma, he grabs both his hands and pulls him into his arms.

That seems to have persuaded him that this is not some cruel joke being played on him.  A radiant smile on his lips, Toma comes to him willingly, claiming Yamapi's lips instantly.

"Pi-chan," he sighs, between frantic kisses, "it's always been you, always, always," stealing Yamapi's breath away.  

He shouldn't, but he can't help drawing comparisons to the other Toma.  That one, perhaps out of deference to Yamapi's inexperience, was always tender, but careful.  This Toma, his Toma, he corrects happily, is much more fierce, more wanton.  Because you've been making him wait forever for you, a nagging little voice in the back of his head says, but he refuses to let it spoil this moment.  Not now when he's got everything he wants, everything he needs right here in his arms.

He wonders if Toma is making similar comparisons in his own head.  If he is, Yamapi's not going to come out the loser in that comparison, no matter how much more experienced that other Yamapi is.  He leans back against the sofa cushions, pulls Toma between his legs, flush against him and puts everything he's got into that kiss.  It's their first kiss.  It's the one they're going to remember.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff!  He groans with pleasure at the feeling of Toma rubbing up against him through the fabric of their sweatpants.  He could come like this, just from kissing Toma and that delicious friction.  Except Toma's wiggling out of his arms, sliding down his body.  He pushes Yamapi's shirt up and instantly starts sucking kisses into his stomach.  This is perfect.  Or at least it would be if Yamapi weren't lying in such an awkward position on the sofa.  He momentarily forgets about his discomfort when Toma mouths his cock through his sweats.  He groans, lets his head fall back.  It hits the arm of the sofa.  Right.  The idea is to see stars from a mind-blowing orgasm, not from pain.

"Toma, Toma, no."

Toma's gaze shoots up; the look in his eyes is deadly.  Does he honestly think Yamapi's going to tell him to stop?

"Maybe we should move this to the bedroom," Yamapi points out.

That breathtaking smile is back in an instant.  "Just let me do one thing," Toma asks.

"Anything."

Still kneeled between Yamapi's legs, Toma grins and grabs hold of Yamapi's shirt.  He lifts his arms obligingly as Toma pulls it over his head.  

He knows he looks good; has spent uncounted hours in the gym to get this result, but it still feels strange to have Toma looking at him with such hunger.  And then it suddenly hits him that Toma has always looked at him like that.  Why did it take him this long to notice?

"I'm sorry."  He didn't mean to say that, but somehow he did.  Toma frowns at him.  "I've been blind and stupid," he clarifies.  

A slow smile blooms onto Toma's face.  "I'm sorry too," he says, leaning forward to kiss Yamapi again, swallowing the protest Yamapi was about to make.  "I was too scared to reach out."

"Let's just take it as read that we're both idiots and move this to a more comfortable location," Yamapi suggests.

"Great idea."

Toma gets to his feet, reaches Yamapi a hand to pull him up as well.  The symbolism, Toma reaching out to him, is not lost.  On either of them it seems, as Toma too looks at their locked hands with a look of wonder.  Yamapi lifts their joined hands, looks from them to Toma.  

"We're in this together," he says solemnly.  "Not just this relationship, but Four Tops, everything."

Toma swallows hard, the smile on his lips wavering as he lets out a trembling breath.  "Together."

Hand in hand, they set off for the bedroom.

THE END