Commitment

By Agnes Joseph

Prologue

"What would you do?"  Ito Hideaki looked around the table where most of the cast were gathered for lunch.  "How would you react if you found out your partner had been cheating on you?"

Various pensive expressions appeared on the faces of Yamapi's cast mates.  A few days ago they'd filmed the scene where Yamapi's character had walked in on his girlfriend and her lover, and of course, it was a question that plagued all their minds.  It was a question that Yamapi too had often contemplated since working on this drama.

"I'd wring his neck with my bare hands," Saki said, her face twisted in determination. 

Suddenly there was an image in Yamapi's head of Saki with both her hands around Nagase's throat.  There was no doubt in his mind that Saki would come out as the winner in that confrontation; Yamapi couldn't suppress a chortle.  Judging from the amused expression some of the others bore, they too had been thinking the same thing.

"Me?  I think I'd be mostly sad."  Junpei sighed dramatically.  "But if she didn't love me anymore, I'd try to understand."

Ito-san nodded.  "Yeah, I think I'm with you, Junpei.  I'd find it hard to swallow, but if I loved her, I'd want her to be happy." 

"I think it's not the same for men as it is for women," Keiko said.  "Men are historically much more likely to stray."  As was to be expected, that remark caused a riot at the table; instantly it was divided between the men and women. 

"It's the girl cheating on the boy!" Junpei said, referring to Naoki's situation with his girlfriend in the drama.  "Besides, women are historically…"  He pulled a face at Keiko as he said it.  "…much more jealous of their partner.  We men are much more trusting."

The argument escalated from there.  Yamapi, as was his habit, just sat and watched it develop.  Because his relationship with Toma wasn't public knowledge, he was forced to keep his mouth shut. 

Ito suddenly turned to him, as if he had just figured this out as well.  "What about you, Pi-chan?  You haven't said anything yet."

Before Yamapi could say anything, Keiko burst out laughing.  "What are you asking him for?  Yamapi's the king of "love'em and leave'em".

Frankly, that hurt.  It was the price he had to pay to keep his relationship safe, but six years of keeping it a secret were really starting to weigh him down.  Maybe he'd briefly allowed the pain to flit across his face, because Saki stopped laughing and looked at Yamapi with a hint of guilt on her face.

"You've got to admit, Yamapi," Saki-chan said.  "Your name's been linked to enough girls, but none long enough to count as a relationship."

Forcing a grin onto his face, Yamapi nodded.  Maybe the others might believe that he was agreeing with her, when in fact, just that moment, he'd come to a decision.

Around him, the conversation resumed, as if Yamapi's opinion had been completely dismissed before it was even uttered.  Keiko threw him an unsure, apologetic look, but she seemed to consider the matter closed.  Maybe that was what gave him the incentive to do what he did.

"I'd be devastated," Yamapi said, his eyes cast down.  His voice came out barely louder than a whisper.  Maybe he'd hoped that if he said it quietly enough the others wouldn't hear him, or simply ignore him again. 

His eyes were still fixed on his half empty plate, so he didn't see the expression on the others' faces.  What told him that they had indeed heard him was the way all conversation suddenly stopped; a loaded silence fell across the table.

Cautiously, Yamapi raised his head, dared to look at the faces around him.  Most of them were staring at him.  Keiko had her head tilted in wonder, while Saki's mouth was inelegantly wide open.

He'd done it, hadn't he?  He'd admitted that he was in relationship.  He saw from the shocked expressions on his cast mates' faces that they knew he had.

With all eyes on him, he grinned sheepishly.  "It would rip my heart out."

The scene where Naoki had to break down in tears over his girlfriend's betrayal had been surprisingly easy for Yamapi to act.  All he'd had to do was think about Toma, think how he'd feel if Toma told him that he was in love with someone else, and the tears had come almost immediately.

The awkward silence continued for just another few seconds, until it almost made Yamapi squirm with discomfort at the eyes fixed on him.  He almost wished he could take the words back, say it was just a joke, but not quite.  Despite the embarrassment, it had felt fantastic to finally say it, even in such vague, general terms.

"How long?" Junpei asked, his eyes round, shattering the uncomfortable silence.

"Junpei!" three voices said at the same time.  The others understood that Yamapi had already said more than he was expected to.

Yamapi smiled at Junpei.  "Long enough to know what Naoki's going through."

"Whoaaa!"  Junpei breathed out an impressed sigh and leaned back in his chair.  Somehow that seemed to break the tension.  Everyone started laughing at the amusingly stunned look on Junpei's face.

"I must say," Ito-san said, "you're a man of many surprises, Pi-chan." 

Yamapi shrugged noncommittally, but turned sharply towards Saki when she suddenly muttered something under her breath.  "Damn that Johnny."

Yamapi gazed at her.  He should have known that she would immediately guess what was going on.  After all, she was dating a Johnny herself.

Saki, seeing Yamapi stare at her and realising she'd been caught, gave him a unsure smile and mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  Smiling back, he shook his head.  She had nothing to apologise for. 

"Which begs the next question," Hideaki continued. "Can you be friends with an ex-lover?"

The reply was almost unanimous.

"Absolutely not!"

"No way!"

Junpei seemed a little more hesitant, but still agreed. "I don't think it's possible."

Even though he'd pondered this particular question often since getting together with Toma, even more so in the months he'd been filming Buzzer Beat, this one was even more difficult for Yamapi to reply to. Toma was his friend before he was his lover. Toma was his best friend. How could he stop being Toma's friend? Could he even function without Toma's presence in his life?

Once again he found four faces turned to him, waiting for the answer he hadn't yet given to Ito-san's question. "No." He startled himself, not only at how cold his voice sounded, how devoid of emotion, but how it rang with certainty.

Really? a stunned, devastated voice wondered inside his head. Just like that?

Yamapi shook his head slowly, not wanting to think about it any further. He just wanted to enjoy lunch with his cast-mates. Besides, there was no need to think about it, because it was never going to happen anyway. There was no way he and Toma were ever breaking up.

Just no way.

***

Part I

Oblivion.  That was what he'd been seeking but hadn't found.  The only thing he'd gained was a heavy head, blurry vision and an inability to think clearly.  Guess that latter would have to suffice, Yamapi thought, resting his head against the car door window and closing his eyes.   Even if it didn't chase the thought of Toma out of his head.  Quite the opposite in fact.  As soon as Yamapi closed his eyes, Toma was there in his mind's eye.  Smiling, he looked utterly stunning in his designer suit, ready for the big event, the one that Yamapi wasn't welcome to.

"We're here," Jin announced, startling Yamapi out of his morose thoughts.  Blinking to focus his vision, he found that they were parked outside Jin's place.

"Thanks, Jin," he said.

Jin nodded, not making a big thing out of it.  After all, it wasn't the first time that Yamapi crashed at Jin's place when he was too drunk to make it to his own, but it had been rare since Yamapi and Toma got a place of their own.  Toma wouldn't be picking him up tonight, though.  No, Toma had better things to do tonight.

"Oh, for the love of god," Jin suddenly burst out, "will you stop being so melodramatic?  It's not the end of the world!"

Then why did it feel like it was?  "It's one of the most important nights of his life and he doesn't want me there."  Wow, that came out a lot whinier than he intended. 

Jin's face betrayed his annoyance.  "You know bloody well that Toma wants you there desperately.  You just can't be there as his date."  Yamapi pulled a face, unwilling to concede anything.  "Come on, Pi, " Jin continued, "it's his first movie premiere and you're not there.   You really think he's feeling any less bad about that than you are?"

There really was something wrong with the universe when Jin was the smartest person in the car.  An intense feeling of guilt suddenly swept through Yamapi.  He was being mind-bogglingly unfair to Toma. Making up his mind, he turned a hesitant look towards Jin. 

"Could you drop me off at our place?" he asked sheepishly.

A smile on his face, Jin immediately turned the ignition key, as if he knew that was what Yamapi was going to say, but was waiting for him to come to his senses. 

"Am I a brat?" Yamapi asked, as the car pulled back into the traffic.

That made Jin laugh.  "Yes," he said.  "I don't know how Toma puts up with you."

"Thanks," Yamapi grumbled.

"That's what friends are for," Jin said, grinning.

They lapsed back into silence for a while, as Yamapi leaned his head back against the window and stared outside at the passing cars.  "It's getting harder and harder, Jin," he said softly.

"To be with Toma?"  Jin sounded incredulous.

Yamapi huffed out a humourless laugh.  As if that were even possible.  "To not be with Toma."

"Eh?  I know I'm not the smartest person, Pi, but I have no idea what you're talking about.  You are with Toma!"

Turning away from the window, Yamapi saw that Jin was giving him a confused look.  "Not to the rest of the world."

The confusion slowly ebbed from Jin's face.  Turning his attention back to the traffic, he nodded in understanding.  "I see," was all he said.

"He's mine, damn it," Yamapi suddenly burst out.  "Mine!"

Jin laughed.  "You staked your claim on him when you were thirteen, Pi.  Trust me when I say, we know he's yours."

But nobody else did and that was the whole problem.  "Tomorrow there'll be pictures of him with whatsherface..."

The jealous undertone he couldn't keep out of his voice once again made Jin laugh.  "She's his co-star.  It's perfectly OK to be photographed with your co-star."

And if that were all it was, Yamapi would be perfectly fine with it.  Well, maybe perfectly fine would be an exaggeration.  "And they'll be speculating like crazy if there's anything brewing between the two of them," he continued his self-pitying whine.

"As they do with you and any of your female co-stars.  Remember when you were filming your drama?  Everybody and their aunt were convinced that you and Kitagawa-san were dating."

That had been an awful summer.  Toma was away for weeks at a time shooting his movie in Kyoto and when he did come home for a few days, he was still in his character's mindset, down and miserable.  By the time some of the old Toma started to reappear, it was time to return to Kyoto.  All the rumours of Yamapi and Keiko's supposed romance in Toma's absence hadn't helped either. 

Damn it!  Why did Jin have to be so reasonable when Yamapi was looking for a good wallow?  "Stop it!" he ordered irritably. 

Jin shot him a quick, amused look.  "Stop making sense?"

This time Yamapi's laugh was genuine.  "Yes!  You're not supposed to make sense.  You're Bakanishi!"

"Then stop acting like an even bigger idiot than I am," Jin admonished, as he turned the car into Yamapi and Toma's street, and stopped in front of their building.  Opening the door, it occurred to Yamapi and not for the first time, why Jin was his best mate.  They matched in stupidity. 

He wobbled outside the car for a moment, but then found his balance.  "Night, Jin," he said.  "Thanks."

Jin gave him a doubtful once-over.  "Are you going to be OK?"  He grinned when Yamapi nodded but then staggered off balance again.  "Not that I'm suggesting taking you upstairs.  I draw the line at tucking you into bed.  That's definitely Toma's territory."  Yamapi pulled a face and waved his hand in the international "I'm fine" way.  "OK, then.  Good night, Pi.  Try not to fall down the stairs."

Yamapi slammed the door shut and waved goodbye as Jin drove off.  Turning, he started the daunting task of climbing the stairs without breaking his neck.  It took a few tries to find the keyhole and unlock the door, but finally the door did fall shut behind him.  He flipped on the lights and toed off his shoes.  Stepping inside, he stood there for a moment, just taking in the place.

There was no way on earth anyone could mistake this for a home.  If it were home, they would keep their stuff here.  No, this was just a place they met when they wanted to have sex.  They'd spend the night wrapped in each other's arms and for a moment that would be enough.  Yet, when morning came and they said goodbye, went off to their respective jobs or went home, Toma to his parents, Yamapi to his mum, the dissatisfaction seeped a little deeper into Yamapi's bones.

Sighing, Yamapi shrugged out of his jacket and threw it onto the small sofa.  Jin might say he was being an idiot, and perhaps he was too, but this restlessness hadn't just started today.  It wasn't just the movie premiere.  It was one more link in a long line of frustrations.  When he'd graduated, that's what Toma said.  He'd graduated a year and a half ago, and still nothing had changed.

After completing his bathroom rituals, he dropped his clothes on the bedroom floor, not particularly caring where they landed, and got naked into bed.  Perhaps Toma wouldn't even come tonight.  Maybe he'd go straight to his parents after the premiere.  It didn't matter, he realised, as he pressed his face into Toma's pillow.  Toma's scent still lingered; it made a smile appear on his face as he fell asleep.

He blinked back into wakefulness when the bed dipped. 

"Sssh," Toma soothed, as Yamapi groaned, an instinctive reaction to the hangover that was creeping up on him.   "Go back to sleep."

With half an eye open, Yamapi peered at the alarm clock.  Four a.m.  That must have been a good party.  He waited and listened to the sounds Toma was making as he settled down beside him, but then he couldn't resist any longer and turned.  He ignored Toma's "I told you to go back to sleep!" and wrapped his arms around Toma.  Cuddling close, he breathed in the familiar scent of Toma's cologne, now fighting with the alcohol on his breath.  Smiling back, Toma leaned in for a kiss.  Oh, yes, now this was home.

"How did you know I'd be here?" he asked when he pulled back from their kiss.

"I didn't," Toma replied.  "I was pleasantly surprised to find you here."

The irritation he'd felt all day seemed to slide off Yamapi with those simple words.  Even though he wasn't sure Yamapi would be here, Toma had still come to spend the night at their place. 

Of course Toma had to ruin it by adding with a cheeky smile: "I didn't want to wake up my parents at this time of the morning."  His grin grew even more mischievous when Yamapi stuck out his lower lip.  "It's a joke!"  He made sure to correct his mistake by capturing Yamapi's conveniently sticking-out lip between his own and pulling him into a sweet kiss.  Some time later, Yamapi was ready to forgive him.

"Of course I came here for you, idiot," Toma said, his voice soft with tenderness.  "As if it wasn't bad enough spending the entire evening without the most important person in my life."

"Really?" Yamapi asked quietly.  He let his hand wander down the perfect curve of Toma's backside.

"Yes, really," Toma assured with a roll of his eyes.  "If the last six and a half years haven't made that obvious, nothing will."

Toma's tender words made him feel like a jerk.  "I'm sorry," he whispered, pressing his lips softly to Toma's.

It hardly surprised him when Toma didn't even need to be told what he was apologising for.  He simply pulled Yamapi close and returned the kiss, before looking at him with fond exasperation.  "Idiot," he mumbled affectionately.

"So how does it feel to be a moviestar?"

Toma's mouth twisted.  "Still a bit unreal."

"It must have been a good party."  If some of his jealousy had found its way into Yamapi's voice, Toma did an excellent job pretending not to hear it. 

"Lots of big names," he said, which made the jealousy burn even brighter.  Yamapi clamped down on it hard.  "Quite daunting, in fact."  With a loving smile, he tucked a lock of Yamapi's hair behind his ear.  "I wanted you there desperately."

Closing his eyes, Yamapi forced his lips tightly together so the words he wanted to say couldn't find their way out.  Not now.  He couldn't whine about the same thing now, no matter how much he wanted to grab this opportunity to remind Toma of his promise.  He couldn't do that, not on Toma's big night.

"We are still going to see your movie together, aren't we?" he asked instead. 

"Are you kidding?"  Toma laughed joyously.  "After all the times you dragged me to see Kurosagi?"

Yamapi pouted.  "There weren't that many."

"I can quote your lines better than you can."

Suddenly self-conscious, Yamapi hid his face in Toma's neck; he pushed his leg between Toma's, not with any sexual overtures in mind, just seeking out the warmth and connection. His heart lit up when Toma sighed and pulled him closer still.

"I'm so proud of you, Toma," he mumbled into Toma's warm skin. He fell asleep to the sensation of Toma kissing his hair.

***

The sound of Toma talking woke him.  As Yamapi slowly rose to the surface of consciousness, he realised that Toma was talking on the phone.   That in itself was nothing weird, so not thinking too much about it, Yamapi let the sound wash over him, not paying particular attention to the words, simply basking in the sound of Toma's voice.  Stretching elaborately, he rubbed his eyes until he finally felt ready enough to face the world to open them.

It was only then that he gave a little start of surprise. Toma wasn't merely talking on the phone. He was showered and dressed, and from the looks of it,  about to go out. He was in fact so busy bustling around the room, gathering his things together that he hadn't even noticed yet that Yamapi was awake. Instantly alert, Yamapi frowned at Toma, paying closer attention to the conversation.  Had something happened?

"Yeah, no problem, Yosuke.  I can be there in thirty minutes."  Toma's manager, Yamapi realised, his anxiety decreasing somewhat.  At least there wasn't some emergency in Toma's family.  "Ten thirty at the NTV studios, got it."

Terminating his call, Toma turned around; his eyes finding Yamapi's, he smiled warmly.  The frown between Yamapi's eyes smoothed out when Toma sat down on the bed and leaned in to kiss him.  Yamapi absentmindedly stroked a hand across a jeans-clad thigh.

"Good morning," Toma said.

"Good morning.  Are you off somewhere?"

Toma nodded.  "Yo-chan arranged a last minute interview for me this morning."  Toma frequently referred to his manager as Yo-chan.  Yamapi supposed it didn't feel disrespectful when your manager was younger than yourself.  "He wants to get as much publicity for the movie as he can."

That sounded reasonable.  Still, Yamapi pouted.  "You know I hate waking up alone."

"I know," Toma said, grinning widely before he leaned down for another kiss.  "I would have woken you before I left."

As Toma stood up from the bed, another thought occurred to Yamapi.  "Hey!  We were supposed to do brunch with Takki!"

"Damn it!"  Toma froze in his tracks.  His face in a twist, he put the back of his hand against the top of his nose.  "I completely forgot about that."  He looked apologetically at Yamapi for a moment, but then broke into another grin.  "Ah, Takki won't miss me.  As long as he has his beloved Yamapi to fawn over."

"So not the point," Yamapi muttered dejectedly, getting more and more annoyed.  This was supposed to be about the two of them.  It wasn't just missing last night's premiere; it felt like he rarely spent any quality time with Toma anymore.  Yes, Yamapi's own career kept him plenty busy, but it felt like Toma never stopped running around from one appointment to the next. 

He wasn't going to whine, Yamapi decided.  It was just temporary, while Toma's movie was trying to take off.  Toma was always supportive of Yamapi's career.  The least he could was return the favour.

"OK, then," Toma said, as he shrugged into his jacket.  "I'll give you a call when I'm done.  We'll make plans then."

"OK."  Plastering on a smile that felt fantastically fake, Yamapi nodded.  "Oh," he suddenly remembered, "I'm going to my meeting with Kataoka-san straight after my lunch with Takki."  For just a second he thought he saw something tug at the edges of Toma's mouth, but it was almost immediately gone again.  He must have imagined it.

"Yeah, that's right, I remember," Toma told him.  "I'm off!" 

"Take care."

With a wave, Toma was gone.

An hour later Yamapi was still sulking about it, until Takki finally laughed at his sourpuss face.  "Even as a child, you were always jealous of any time Toma spent with someone other than you.  Why don't you have "property of Yamapi" tattooed on his forehead?"

As if Yamapi had never considered the option.  "It's just..."  He sighed.  "I'm really sick of hiding."  Takki nodded, his expression sympathetic.  "Toma and I have been together now for six years..."

"That's longer than most marriages."

Yamapi huffed. "And I'm just sick of the sneaking around and the meeting in secret and the always having to look over my shoulder.  I almost can't remember a time when I didn't have a camera in my face everywhere I go.  It's reached a point where I just want to quit this business altogether and disappear into obscurity.  Normal people don't have to hide who they fall in love with."

To his surprise Takki burst out laughing.  Feeling slightly hurt, Yamapi pulled a face.  "Oh, Pi, I'm not laughing at you!  But the thought of you and obscurity!  You'll be Yamapi no matter where you go."

"Yeah, thanks to you," he grumbled.

"Besides," Takki added, "normal people do sometimes have to hide who they fall in love with.  Things won't just magically get better if you quit the business."  He supposed Takki was right, but he still felt too proud to admit it.  "What does Toma think about this?"

And that was part of the problem, wasn't it?  Yamapi had thought that they were on the same wavelength about this and that alone had made it tolerable.  Lately, though, he wasn't so sure anymore. 

"Things have been going so amazingly for Toma," he said with a sigh, "that it would be the height of selfishness to ask him to give it up for me."  Though he didn't say it, he knew that they could both hear the unspoken "again".

A pensive look appeared on Takki's face, one that made Yamapi wonder what he was thinking about.  Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion.  "Look, Yamapi, Tsubasa told me in confidence, but under the circumstances, I don't think he'll mind me telling you this."  Now he'd definitely got Yamapi's attention.  Takki took a drink of his beer before he continued.  "When you and Toma first started going out together, Toma used to go to Tsubasa and rant about how much he hated every magazine article linking you to this starlet or that young actress you were spotted with.  He couldn't stand it!"

"Really?"  Yamapi was genuinely amazed.  "He never told me."

Takki nodded.  "He may not show it to you, but that doesn't mean that he feels any less frustrated about the whole situation than you do."

Takki was right, of course, Yamapi thought on the train to his meeting with Kataoka.  As was Jin.  He was just being unreasonable about this.  Smiling, he vowed to make it up to Toma at the earliest opportunity.  The smile still lingered as he walked into the conference room, but it vanished as soon as he stepped inside.  He froze in stunned surprise, his mouth falling open as he stared at the faces looking up at him.

"What the hell?"  he muttered, when he finally found his voice again.

As expected, Kataoka was waiting for him, but so were Toma and his manager.  Sitting at the conference table, his manager next to him, Toma was watching Yamapi with the most devilishly mischievous expression Yamapi had ever seen on him and that was saying quite something.

"Ah, Yamashita-kun," Kataoka said in greeting, while Yamapi was still gaping at Toma like a stranded fish, "take a seat, please.  Ikuta-kun, I believe you know Yamashita-kun?"  If Yamapi and Toma hadn't owed so much to Kataoka, Yamapi would have been quite tempted to strangle his manager on the spot.

Toma was still grinning like a fiend.  "I do believe we have passed each other in the corridor a few times."  He rose from his chair and held out his hand across the table, as if introducing himself.

Rolling his eyes, Yamapi slapped the hand away.  "What the hell is going on?" he asked again. 

"Please," Kataoka said, indicating the chair closest to Yamapi, "sit down, Yamashita-kun." 

Grumbling under his breath, Yamapi did as told, turning to Toma to give him the evil eye.  It didn't seem to have any effect, though.  Toma was still grinning happily.  He seemed almost giddy.

"Did you know about this?" Yamapi hissed.

"It's good news," Toma whispered back, "trust me."

Yamapi pulled a face.  Well, of course he trusted Toma.  That wasn't the issue.  The reassuring words didn't stop the feeling of trepidation Yamapi felt looking at the three faces before him.

"No doubt you're wondering what this is all about," Kataoka, who apparently was going to be the spokesperson, started.  "I won't leave you in suspense any longer."  From his briefcase he withdrew two bound stacks of paper of the kind that Yamapi instantly recognised and made his heart suddenly beat faster. 

It couldn't be.

Kataoka put both the folders on the table, and with a hand on each slid one towards Toma and one towards Yamapi.  Yamapi's heart was pounding through his chest.

"Fuck," he swore silently, staring wide-eyed at the folder in front of him, afraid to reach out and touch it, as if it would vanish in a puff of smoke if he did.  Was it really going to happen?  After all this time?  After wanting it for so long?

He turned eyes that felt suspiciously damp towards Toma.  Knowing that Yamapi would immediately understand the implications, Toma was watching him with a tender softness in his expression.

"Surprise," he whispered, his voice wavering just a tiny bit, evidencing his own emotional state.

If it hadn't been for their audience, Yamapi might have kissed the stuffing out of him right now.  As it was, he simply gazed into Toma's eyes, unable, it seemed, to look away.  A less than subtle cough brought their attention snapping back to their surroundings.

"I'm sure you'd like to know more about your roles?"

Everything burst out of Yamapi at once.  Laughing loudly, he pulled the script that had been lying on the table untouched towards him and gazed at the title.  Childhood Friends it read.  Oh, god, it couldn't be more perfect.

"I'm seriously tempted to beat everyone in this room with this script," he said, sniffing to hold back the threatening tears.  As Toma and Kataoka laughed, Toma's manager gave him a fearful look.  "Well, not you, Tanaka-kun.  It's obvious you were put up to it by your troublesome client."

Said client gave Yamapi a fond look.  "Your face," he said.  "I wanted to see your face."

Yamapi huffed, though it was more for show than anything else.  "I hope my face didn't disappoint."

Something more than fondness crept into Toma's expression, instantly flaming a hot burning inside Yamapi's gut.  "It was priceless," he finally said softly.

Forcing himself to break eye contact with Toma before he did something embarrassing, Yamapi turned sharply towards Kataoka.  "Where do I sign?"

Again, the other three laughed.  "Don't you want to know more about your roles first?" Kataoka asked.

Yamapi shrugged.  "Details."  He wanted to sign it now, immediately, before somebody changed their minds, before this could be snatched out of his hands again.  He'd waited too long, damn it!  Nobody was going to take this away from him again.

With a slightly impatient, though still amused expression, Kataoka shook his head.  "Details matter, Yamashita-kun."  Yamapi sighed long-sufferingly, but it had no effect on Kataoka, as Yamapi knew it wouldn't.  "Ikuta-kun will be playing the lead."

Fuck, yes!  His eyes wide in surprised delight, Yamapi gazed at Toma, who grinned back at him.  That was exactly what Yamapi had always wanted for their long-awaited collaboration.  He wanted nothing more than be the one who made Toma shine.

"He will be playing Yamamoto-san, an up and coming Yakuza bigshot."

Yamapi's eyes grew even wider, his mouth joining the effort by falling open in surprise.  Suddenly, sharply, there was an image in his head of Toma in Yakuza suit, sauntering cockily about the place and OK, perhaps this whole working together on a drama wasn't such a good idea after all.  He was getting hot and bothered just thinking about Toma as a Yakuza.  Actually watching him play the part?  How was he going to stop himself from jumping him right there on the set?

Again, a cough snapped him out of his musings.  Damn!  Had he been drooling?

"Yamashita-kun," Kataoka continued, giving him a sharp look, as if he knew where Yamapi's thoughts had wandered.  Perhaps he did.  "You will be playing the role of Yaginuma-san, a kind, but mostly broke shop owner whose livelihood is very much threatened by Yamamoto-san's Yakuza family."  Eeeh?  Yamapi didn't want him and Toma playing enemies!  His face must have betrayed his unhappiness at the news, because Kataoka smiled reassuringly.  "The twist is that you and Ikuta-san were childhood best friends."

Maybe it was the way Kataoka had used their names instead of the characters', but it made Yamapi and Toma grin goofily at each other.  "Yes," Toma agreed, "we were."

"That is the whole basis of the drama," Kataoka explained.  "Is their friendship going to survive or will their conflicting loyalties tear them apart?"

"Wow," Yamapi breathed in genuine wonder.  It sounded like an awesome project, one that he couldn't wait to tackle.  He straightened in resolve.  "OK, I've heard the details.  Where do I sign?"

"Sure you don't want to read the script of the first episode before you decide?" Kataoka asked.

Yamapi shook his head resolutely.  "Nope.  Hand over the contract."

Among laughs from the others, Kataoka shook his head with amusement, retrieved the contract from his briefcase and slid it across the table at Yamapi. 

"Pen!"  Yamapi made an impatient gesture towards Kataoka, who sighed, but reached inside his jacket to hand Yamapi a pen.  After everything they had been through together over the years, Yamapi knew that he could afford a certain level of familiarity with his manager that others perhaps couldn't.

It was with utter joy that he signed his name onto the dotted line.  The instant he finished the last stroke with a flourish, he was greeted to a round of applausse.

"Congratulations," Toma said, his voice soft with affection.

And that's when something struck Yamapi.  Putting his pen down, he frowned at Toma.  "Aren't you signing yours?"

Toma gave him a warm smile.  "You'll find that I've already signed mine."

That something hot flamed up inside his chest again.  Damn, he needed to get Toma alone so they could go "celebrate".  "Cocky, aren't you?"  His voice came out husky with want.  Damn, there was no way Kataoka or Tanaka couldn't have heard that.

As he threw them a sheepish look, he saw that Tanaka was indeed looking quite uncomfortable, trying to look anywhere but at the two of them, while Kataoka just rolled his eyes, quite used to their shenanigans.

"Oh, you shouldn't talk about cocky," Toma reprimanded, throwing him an incredulous look.

Damn, he needed to get Toma out of here!  He was going to do something stupid soon; he just knew it.  Apparently he wasn't the only one who knew.

"That settles it then, gentlemen," Kataoka said, taking the contract and storing it away into his briefcase, "you're both contractually bound to star together in the next TBS drama Childhood Friends."  As Yamapi and Toma shared another heated look, Kataoka coughed loudly and conspicuously.  "Now get out of here and go celebrate somewhere."

A heat rose to Yamapi's cheeks at the suggestiveness in Kataoka's words; he could literally feel his face turn bright red.  Despite the discomfort, he was on his feet instantly, Toma only seconds behind him.  With a bow and an "Otsukaresama" to Kataoka and Tanaka, their scripts tucked under their arms, they made their quick escape.

God, he was so fired up; just Toma walking beside him was too much.  He daren't reach out and touch Toma, as the two of them made their way out of the building, afraid that once he did, he wouldn't be able to stop himself and ravish him right there in the corridor.  Perhaps Toma was feeling it too, because he was being uncharacteristically quiet.  Only when they walked out of the building did he speak and only one sentence at that.

"My car is right over there."

Yamapi nodded and followed him, both of them lapsing back into silence.  It wasn't an uncomfortable silence; it was a silence of anticipation.  Toma unlocked the car for him and he slid into the passenger seat.  The car was already in the midst of Tokyo traffic when Yamapi trusted himself to speak.

"I will get back at you for this," he promised.

A shiver seemed to run along Toma's body, one that found an echo in Yamapi.  "I'll take what's coming to me," he said, his voice rough.

And OK, that was about as far as Yamapi's restraint could reach.  To hell with the consequences!  He put his hand on Toma's thigh, savouring the warmth reaching him from below the faded jeans, and then slid it along the inside of his thigh.

"Yamashita!" Toma scolded, even as he spread his legs a little to give Yamapi better access.  His breathing sped up as Yamapi stroked Toma's cock through the denim.  "You're going to get us both killed," he said, though neither the tone of his voice nor his actions gave any indication that he wanted Yamapi to stop.

Yamapi flashed him his most innocent smile.  "Just giving you added incentive to get us home quicker."  He stroked once more, slowly and deliberately, his own breathing speeding up at the hardness growing beneath his palm.

"Defeating the purpose if we don't get there in one piece."

"You'll get us there in one piece," Yamapi stated with absolute certainty, his fingers promising the reward Toma would get if he did.  He grinned with satisfaction when Toma's foot sank down just a little onto the gas pedal.

"OK, OK," Toma gasped, "will you just..."  He bit off his words, jerking slightly into Yamapi's touch.  "Tomo... bloody hell, you're killing me, stop it."

With some regret, Yamapi pulled his hand away.  If Toma said stop, then it meant stop.  This wasn't about torturing Toma, though he certainly deserved it.  He put his hand in his lap.  It took effort not to touch himself; his dick was screaming for touch, any touch.

"Toma," he said in wonder, the full impact suddenly hitting him, "we're doing a drama together.  We're finally doing a drama together!"

Toma grinned at him warmly, almost making Yamapi forget his resolve to keep his hands to himself.  Mercifully, it wasn't too long before they pulled into their street.  In Yamapi's recollection they had rarely made it out of the car, up the stairs and through the door of their flat as fast as they did now.  Even as the door fell shut behind them, even while he was toeing off his shoes, Yamapi's hands were busy, frantically trying to seperate Toma from his clothes as fast as possible.  It wasn't going quite as fast or as smoothly as Yamapi would have wished, but that was because he kept hindering himself.  He needed to get Toma naked, but he needed to kiss Toma as well, and as more clothes came off, well, of course he needed to touch Toma.

By the time they stumbled into the bedroom, scattering clothes wherever they went, Yamapi hopping impatiently out of his pants, Toma was down to nothing but his jeans.  Tackling Toma onto the bed, Yamapi stradled his legs, his fingers scrambling for Toma's fly.

"You'll have to teach me," he said urgently.

Through the lust, Toma frowned at him.  He obligingly lifted his butt so Yamapi could remove his jeans and underwear.  "Teach you?  I don't know what the hell I could teach you..."

"Not about sex," Yamapi said, feeling slight exasperation at being misinterpreted.  He threw the rest of Toma's clothes onto the floor and turned back to gaze his fill.  "About acting," Yamapi explained.  He smiled as the confusion faded from Toma's expression. 

"But..." Toma started, but Yamapi swooped in and kissed the objections out of Toma's mouth.  The rest of his body followed, covering Toma's completely.  They sighed into each other's mouths at the contact; Toma's hands were sweeping across Yamapi's back, his leg thrown across Yamapi's thigh.

This latter especially should have tipped Yamapi off.  He was still caught off guard when Toma rolled them over expertly so he was on top.  Breaking their kiss he looked down on Yamapi with fond irritation.

"What are you talking about?  You've been acting longer than I have."

"Yeah, but you understand it," Yamapi countered.  When the frown on Toma's brow deepened and he shook his head, clearly about to disagree, Yamapi added: "You and Shun have discussions about it.  Heated discussions.  I just sit there and stare."  And feel stupid, he added in his head, but didn't say.  He knew how much Toma hated it when he tore himself down.  "I don't understand acting the way you and Shun do.  I just do it."

A smile breaking through, Toma huffed out an amused breath.  "Who's to say that yours isn't the better approach?"  Not in the least convinced, Yamapi pouted and shrugged.  A sudden serious look fell across Toma's face.  "Look, Tomo," he said, "I learn from every actor I work with.  I'll learn from you.  Just like you'll learn from me."

And fuck, that was precisely what Yamapi'd been talking about, this ability to put into words what acting meant to him that completely escaped Yamapi.  Why was that such a fucking turn-on?  Yamapi was suddenly achingly hard, his cock heavy with need. 

Toma saw it instantly.  His breathing sped up just looking at Yamapi.  "Tomo," he whispered.

"On your knees," was all Yamapi said. 

With a shuddering gasp, Toma obeyed. Yamapi arranged Toma so he kneeled with his hands gripping the head of the bed, then sat back on his heels for a moment to take in the stunning sight.  Damn, he was a thing of beauty.  Yamapi couldn't resist running his hand along those toned arms, across slim shoulders and down that back, that back that was beyond description, pale and smooth, with tiny birthmarks scattered across it, tapering off into the most exquisitely narrow hips, down to that round, perfect butt.  Toma shivered at his touch; Yamapi's cock jumped with anticipation. 

He almost pulled out the nightstand drawer in his haste to get to the lube.  Just a quick liberal application to his cock and then he kneeled behind Toma.  One finger inside, then two, but oh, god, the need to be inside Toma was consuming him, making his fingers, his hands, his whole body tremble.  It was screaming, do it, do it, now, now, inside his head.  He was shaking with the need to take it slowly.  The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Toma.  He took a deep breath and positioned himself.

Toma made a sound deep in his throat as Yamapi pushed into him slowly, giving him time to adjust to his size before pushing in further.  It was only once he was buried inside completely that some of the urgency stopped screaming through him.  A sense of calm seemed to take over, a contentment seeping deep into his veins.  Toma was panting through what Yamapi knew was an uncomfortable sensation.  His own breathing ragged, he wanted to help him as best as he could.  His hands were everywhere, stroking along Toma's arms, his chest, his sides, anywhere but that one place he knew Toma wanted his touch most.  Draping himself across Toma's back, he kissed along the sweat-soaked back of Toma's neck, across his pale, beautiful shoulders. 

"Yeah," Toma finally said, his voice barely audible, but Yamapi knew what it meant.

Sliding his hands along Toma's sides, he grabbed his hips to steady them, pulled out just a bit and thrust back.  Oh, that was already enough to make his eyes cross, but god, the sounds that Toma was making, that was the hottest thing ever.  He pulled out again, this time a little further; fuck, yes, that was it, so good.  Every time he pulled out a little further and before long they were completely caught in the rhythm, drawing desperate sounds from them both with every thrust. 

Toma's arms were trembling with the effort of supporting him, a shiver that was spreading along the rest of his limbs.  Yamapi knew what it meant; Toma was close, so close, and still Yamapi's touch hadn't gone anywhere near Toma's cock. 

"Tomo," he panted, almost desperately, in a tone that Yamapi understood.  Let me come already, it said.  He sounded tired and even perhaps a little in pain, but not yet.  He couldn't come just yet.  Just a few more thrusts and Yamapi would be there with him.  He had to wait for Yamapi.

And there it was, that tightness in his balls that told him orgasm was just in reach.  Just one more thrust, one more...  There, just, oh, god, there...  At last, he reached across Toma and jerked him hard and fast.  It was almost with a cry of relief that Toma came, Yamapi right behind him, the breath knocked out of him.

They lay there, Yamapi still draped around Toma, both trying desperately to catch their breath.   He would get something to clean them up as soon as his limbs started obeying him again.  When he could lift his arm again, he ran a still trembling hand across the sweat-slick smooth skin along Toma's side, down his hips and ass, revelling in the touch. 

Toma too started to stir.  "Damn, Tomo."  He sounded almost awed.  "What the hell was that?"

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No, you wouldn't."  Toma sounded reassuring enough, but when he turned towards Yamapi, his face twisted in what was clearly pain.  He smiled at the worry flying across Yamapi's face.  "Only in a good way, I swear," he assured, putting a hand on Yamapi's cheek.

"We're doing a drama together, Toma," Yamapi said again, as if it was only now starting to sink in.

Laughing loudly, Toma gathered him into his arms.  "Yes, yes, we are!"

In that instant, as he pulled Toma close and kissed him deeply, everything was right with the world again.  He realised he'd been a brat and an idiot.  So what if they had to hide their relationship.  There were worse things, like not having Toma in his life at all.  The restlessness that of late had pervaded his bones slowly started to ebb away.

***

After they'd got cleaned up and after a long refreshing bath - their bathtub was just big enough for the both of them if they squeezed in close together, which, unsurprisingly, was never a problem - they were lounging in bed with their scripts.  The writing was quite impressive, Yamapi noted happily.  On more than one occasion either he or Toma burst out laughing, causing the other one to say excitedly: "Did you get to the part where..." or "Oh, god, the part where your character does...", followed by discussion and laughter and grins. 

The script had its sad moments as well and Yamapi even found himself blinking back a tear or two, maybe because of how close it rang.  It was starting to dawn on him why he and Toma had been cast in their respective roles.  So much of their characters' paths seemed to echo their own, in an over the top, drama-related way.

"There's just one problem with the script," Yamapi said, after he turned the last page.  "Why do I always get cast as the goody-goody, naive sap?"

A wicked grin appeared on Toma's face, one that made Yamapi roll his eyes even before Toma had said anything.  "If the shoe fits..." 

"Oh, god, you're so predictable," Yamapi groaned.  "Why do I always set myself up for these things?"

Toma laughed, while Yamapi pretended to hit him on the head with his script.  He was still laughing as he grabbed Yamapi's script and pulled it out of his hands before he put it down on the floor on top of his own, but when he turned back, his expression grew more serious.  With his hands on Yamapi's arms, he pinned him down and loomed above him.  "You forgot to add 'lovable'."  His voice was a growly mix of tenderness and heat.  "Naive, lovable  sap.  It makes all the difference."

It was hot and intense, and under any other circumstances would have turned Yamapi into an instant puddle of goo.  It would have done too, if in that precise moment a thought hadn't entered his head that took precedence over everything else, even his libido. 

"Theme song!" he burst out, his eyes wide.

Toma looked confused for a moment and then looked offended.  As he should be, perhaps.  Here he was coming on hot and heavy, and Yamapi was babbling.  But seriously... theme song!

"Theme song?" Toma drew out the words, his eyes narrowed.

"Toma, theme song!"  Yamapi giggled happily.  "They might let us sing the theme song together, like I did with Kame!"

Toma's expression instantly changed, turning into shock.  "Shit," he swore silently, "I hadn't even thought of that."

Feeling almost giddy with the thought, Yamapi flipped Toma onto his back and kissed him deeply.  Toma's fingers tugged at Yamapi's hair as he returned the kiss, but when Yamapi pulled back and grinned down at him, some of his excitement died down.  Toma wasn't looking anywhere near as happy at the prospect as Yamapi felt he should be.

"He'd have no other choice but to debut you," Yamapi said hesitantly, his own enthusiasm dwindling away. 

When Yamapi debuted, Toma had been nothing but supportive and happy for Yamapi, but as the years passed and Toma hoped and waited, and nothing happened, Toma had slowly come to accept that he might never debut.  Whenever an interviewer tried to hint at it, he always grinned and said that it didn't matter anymore, that he'd moved on, but Yamapi knew that it was more bravado than anything else.  Perhaps it was unfair of Yamapi to open that old wound again, open a door that Toma had quite deliberately closed himself.

Toma grinned self-consciously.  "It'll probably be NEWS," he said quietly and that made Yamapi feel even worse.  Had even hoping become too painful for Toma?  "Ah, Tomo," he said, pulling Yamapi into a kiss that Yamapi just couldn't get into, not while he was feeling like this.  When he broke the kiss almost immediately and gave Toma a worried look, Toma smiled sadly.  "I know you mean well, but that ship has sailed, baby."

Yamapi shook his head, stubbornly refusing to believe that.  "What about Tomayama?" he asked almost pitifully.  It was all very well for Toma to give up hope, but Yamapi needed to believe that Tomayama was still a possibility.  He needed it like breathing.

"You'd give up NEWS in a heartbeat if you could be in a band with Toma again, wouldn't you?" Ryo had asked him after the Tokyo Dome concert where Toma had been their special guest.  Because he too could see how happy Yamapi was when he had Toma with him on stage, happier than he'd ever been during any other NEWS concert.

And OK, it wouldn't be a heartbeat - once upon a time it would have been, before he grew fond of NEWS despite himself - but there was no way he'd been able to deny Ryo's accusation.  Getting to perform with Toma at his solo concert had only made the ache grow ever more intense. The thought that it might never happen again was more than Yamapi could bear.

"Oh, Tomayama will happen," Toma assured, all negativity suddenly gone from his voice or expression. "Just not now."

Though he didn't say it, Yamapi heard what Toma really meant.  Not now, not while they were still Johnny's.  He wanted to remind Toma of his promise, remind him that that too could be easily remedied, but he didn't.  For one he knew when he'd pushed Toma too far, for another they'd finally seen one of their biggest dreams come true.  They were starring in a drama together.  That other dream could wait just a little longer.

"You're right," he said, smiling warmly, "Tomayama will happen."  And then he kissed Toma.

***

On the advice of Kataoka they kept the news to themselves for the time being, just until TBS made the official announcement.  Though it was killing him to keep it from Ryo and Jin, he knew it was best if they didn't know.  Both of them had a tendency to talk too much when drunk and both tended to get drunk a lot.  It became especially difficult to hide when NEWS were told that they would be releasing a new single.  In his heart Yamapi had still been holding out for a duet with Toma, but his head had long been resigned that it wouldn't be happening.  It looked like Toma had been right again; NEWS would be singing the theme song, even when NEWS themselves didn't know it yet.

"What are you grinning about?" Ryo hissed, while their singing instructor was busy teaching Tegoshi his solo part.

Yamapi shook his head, though he didn't know whether he was denying grinning.  The lyrics convinced him even more that the song would be used as their show's theme song.  They were all about friendship and how childhood experiences shaped your entire life.  It was perfect.

Ryo's eyes narrowed.  "You know something, don't you?"  When Yamapi again shook his head, but failed to stop grinning, Ryo started to look pissed.  "You're a godawful liar, Yamapi."  While singing, Tegoshi glared at Ryo, obviously not pleased with the lack of respect his sempai was showing his soaring notes, but it barely registered with Ryo.  "Come on, Pi, you can tell me!" 

He was saved from spilling the beans, just to shut Ryo up, by their singing instructor.  "The next part is for all members again.  Please pay attention."

It was a good session.  By the time it ended, Yamapi's spirits were high.  Grinning happily, he turned to the rest of the members.  "Hey, guys, who's up for dinner?"

As per usual, three of them started staring at their feet, mumbling apologies.

"I've got an early appointment in the morning."

"I won't be able to get a train back."

"My mum is expecting me."

So much for member ai.  On other days it would have made Yamapi irritable; wasn't he the one who always got accused of having no member ai?  Today it failed to break through his happy pink cloud.  It wasn't that Yamapi was growing tired of Ryo or Shige's company, but just once in a while he'd like to wrap up a successful rehearsal with all six of them.  Not only because he'd like to hear what Koyama or Tegoshi or Massu were up to, but also just to get away from the flirting between Ryo and Shige.  Granted, it was a vast improvement on Ryo taunting and teasing Shige in an attempt to get his attention, but at least with the other guys around they toned it down a little.

Fortunately he'd been smart enough to arrange for a private room.  Watching Ryo feed Shige a piece of lobster, he rolled his eyes and was just about to tell them to get a room already, when his cell phone beeped.  Glad for the distraction, he didn't even care about manners when he answered the call. 

"Hey, there," he said, his voice soft with affection.  Between the publicity events for Toma's movie and Yamapi's commitment to NEWS they hadn't seen much of each other in the last few days.

"Out with NEWS, are you?" Toma asked.  He knew that had been Yamapi's plan, which worked out fine for him, as he'd made plans with Matsujun.

Yamapi sighed dramatically.  "It's just Ryo and Shige again."

"Hey," Ryo objected, "are we boring you?"  Yamapi ignored him.  Ryo knew damn well what he meant.

"So it won't be late," he continued.  "I've heard all their stories at least three times already."  Across the table, Ryo bristled.  Yamapi smiled at him sweetly, which made Shige laugh.

"I'll ditch Jun early too," Toma said, his voice teasing.  Yamapi could hear a quasi-insulted reply similar to Ryo's through the telephone line.  "I can be back at our place by eleven."

"I'll be there."

"Is it like we expected?"

Yamapi grinned at Toma's vague question, knowing exactly what he meant.  "Oh, yes," he said, "there's no doubt about it.  The lyrics are so obvious.  Don't you ever get tired of being right?"

Toma laughed.  "Funny, I know, but no, I don't."

As he terminated his call to Toma, he saw that Ryo was giving him that suspicious look again.  "Toma knows?" he asked incredulously.  "I'm not allowed to know, but Toma knows?"

"That's why he's my boyfriend and you're just my bandmate," Yamapi teased, picking up his chopsticks again.  Pretending not to notice the way Ryo gaped at him in outraged disbelief, he calmly resumed his meal.

"Just your bandmate?!" Ryo cried out.  "I've known you just as long as Toma has!  Just because I have better taste in boyfriends!"

Yamapi winked at Shige.  "That's debatable."

As Yamapi had hoped, Shige understood that it was Ryo being teased, not him.  He laughed and nudged Ryo in the ribs.  "Stop pestering Yamashita-kun."

Ryo turned his head sharply.  The expression on his face made Yamapi laugh.  Somehow he doubted that Ryo was used to Shige telling him what to do.  "But it's something about NEWS!" Ryo insisted.  "I'm the second most important person in NEWS!"  That made Yamapi laugh even louder.  Shige was sniggering and covering his mouth to hide it. 

"Ego much?" Yamapi said.  As Ryo glared some more, Yamapi and Shige laughed loudly.

By the time he made it home - later than he'd thought, but then Toma was used to him being late - he found Toma sitting crosslegged at the coffee table, surrounded by books and magazines of any size and thickness imaginable.

"What the hell?" he laughed, as he kicked off his shoes.  He bent down to drop a kiss on Toma's lips and then joined him at the coffee table.  The book nearest to him bore the intriguing title Confessions of a Yakuza.  So that's what this was all about.  He giggled as he picked up another book.  My Life in the Underworld, this one read.  Grinning, he looked up at Toma.  "Aren't you taking this research thing a bit far?"

Toma smiled.  "I believe in being prepared.  Didn't you say you wanted to learn from me?"

Leafing aimlessly through the nearest book, Yamapi shrugged.  "I've done all the research I need for my role."

"Oh?"

Yamapi looked up and grinned.  "I've gone shopping."

Smiling, Toma shook his head.  "And here I was ready to share my vast knowledge of acting with you.  Look!"  He held up a DVD boxset of famous Yakuza movies.  "I thought we'd watch these tonight."

"All of them?!"  At Yamapi's horrified outcry, Toma's earnest façade shattered.  Laughing, he reached across the table and tapped his fingers lightly on Yamapi's head.  "You..."  Yamapi's objections didn't get much further than some inarticulate sputtering.  Launching himself at Toma, he pinned him to the floor.  Needless to say, that was the end of that evening's research.

***

Filming hadn't even started yet and Yamapi was already having the time of his life.  Photoshoots were always one of his favourite parts of a new drama and a photoshoot with Toma, well, that was just having your cake and getting to eat it as well.  Though, true, he hadn't seen much of Toma yet this morning.  Almost immediately upon arrival at the photo studio, Toma had been whisked away to be put into costume.  It obviously was a lot more elaborate than Yamapi's; his role as a shop owner didn't need any special costuming. 

And so, for much of the morning, the photoshoot had been just Yamapi.  He knew Toma would join him eventually; he was just anxious to start shooting with Toma already.  And he was wondering what was keeping him.  Just what were they doing to Toma back there?

He got his answer about thirty minutes into the shoot.  The crew were right in the middle of a break and that's why Yamapi was relaxing in a chair with a cup of tea, one leg crossed over the other when Toma made his appearance.  It was a small miracle that Yamapi didn't spill the entire contents of his cup onto his outfit in shock.

To say Toma looked stunning would be an understatement.  Sex on legs would have been a more accurate description, but not quite close enough either.  His suit was black.  His shirt was black.  His hair slicked back, he sauntered towards Yamapi with the cocky swagger of someone who knew the effect he had on his surroundings, a smirk that was almost contempt on his lips. 

Damn, Yamapi thought, guess there's something to be said for intensive research.

That wasn't even the end of the surprise.  As Toma neared, something else caught Yamapi's eye, rendering his mouth dry.  Where Toma's shirt was falling open, right down to almost the middle of his chest, a tattoo peeked out, a tattoo that curled up along his chest and shoulder.  No wonder it had taken wardrobe and make-up this long.  Whoever painted that tattoo on him was a true artist. 

Yamapi just sat there, his eyes wide, his mouth open and still Toma kept getting closer.  If he got any closer, he would be giving Yamapi a lapdance.  If they weren't in the middle of a photoshoot with dozens of people milling about, a lapdance would be exactly what Yamapi could go for at that very moment.  Then it occurred to him that perhaps Toma was simply blocking Yamapi from view so the rest of the crew wouldn't see his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

His head tilted, his lips curled, Toma looked down on Yamapi.  "Watcha doing on my turf, punk?" he said, his voice low and hoarse.

Oh, bloody hell!  There are people around, there are people around, Yamapi kept reminding himself, you can't jump him!  His fingers curling almost spasmodically into his pants' fabric, Yamapi swallowed hard.

"You look..."  He swirled his tongue around his lips to get some moisture back into his mouth.  A flicker of heat flashed across Toma's eyes.  Ah, looked like that was getting to him too.  "You look amazing," he finally managed.

Breaking out of character, Toma's radiant smile broke through.  "You like?"

Still not quite trusting his own voice, Yamapi nodded.  "Oh, yes," he breathed.  He took a corner of Toma's shirt between his thumb and index finger, and carefully pulled it back a little.  There was more of the tattoo below.  "Wonder if you can convince the make-up artist to leave that on after the shoot."

The amused grin gone, Toma shot Yamapi a heated look.  "I never knew you had that particular kink."

Oh, he didn't.  The thought of anything marring that lily-white skin of Toma's was unbearable.  And yet...  He gave Toma his best puppy dog look.  Toma emitted a low growl that fortunately no one but Yamapi was close enough to hear.

"I'll tell her to leave it on," he assured Yamapi, his voice thick and promising.  Their gazes held for another instant, the fire building.  The voice from the photographer's assistant was a rude callback to the here and now.

"Ikuta-kun?"

Snapping out of it, Toma turned towards her.  "Yes?" 

The moment he no longer had to look into Toma's eyes, Yamapi took a deep breath and forced his libido back under control.  It totally didn't help that the black tailored jacket emphasised Toma's slender back and narrow waist, or the way the expensive-looking fabric hugged his ass that was right at Yamapi's eye-level... 

"Focus, Yamashita," Yamapi muttered under his breath.  He didn't have to wonder if Toma had heard him.  Seemingly casually, he put his hands in his trouser pockets, pulling the fabric even tighter across his ass.  That rat-bastard!

"We'll start with some solo shots of you and then move into some shots with you and Yamashita-kun," the assistant said.

"Yeah, that's great," Toma said, making his way towards the photographer.

"Is that OK with you, Yamashita-kun?" his assistant asked.

Yamapi nodded enthusiastically.  "Definitely.  I'll just sit here and watch."  And try not to molest your model, he added in his head.

This latter turned out to be much more difficult than anticipated.  At first, the shots weren't so bad.  They were mostly Toma leaning against stuff, and acting macho and/or threatening.  A turn-on, yes, but not particularly something that set Yamapi's blood on fire.  The best thing about Toma, what turned him on most about Toma was his laugh, his bouncy personality, his ability to take any setback in his stride.  Dark and broody wasn't particularly Yamapi's thing.

That was all well and good, until the photographer decided that not enough of Toma's fake tattoo was showing.  Thrusting his camera into his assistant's hands, he strode towards Toma, grabbed Toma's shirt and jacket, and in a less than gentle way yanked it off his shoulder.  Toma looked startled for a moment, but went with the flow, and recovering his composure quickly, continued to pose for the camera.

By this point, though, Yamapi was almost literally drooling on the floor.  It was like his personal torture chamber.  Toma looking hot, half naked, pouting and posing for the camera, and as if that weren't bad enough, with a tattoo all across his chest!

Bizarrely enough, it was about to get even worse.  The photographer took a few snaps, but almost immediately lowered his camera again.  Shaking his head, he flung his camera back at his assistant and marched back upto Toma.

What the hell else was he going to do to Toma?  Toma seemed to be asking that question too, his eyes wide in wonder, as he watched the photographer get closer.

"Yamashita!" the photographer snapped.

Yamapi shot up from his chair so fast his foot slipped.  Some of his tea spilled, but luckily none of it on his clothes.  "Yes?" he asked sheepishly.

"Come here," the photographer again ordered.  Wondering what was going on, Yamapi hurried closer.  He didn't have to wonder much longer.  Without much preamble, the photographer grabbed Yamapi's hands and positioned them, one on each of Toma's shoulders.  They both startled at the contact, especially since one of Toma's shoulders was now bare.  "Grab him and push him," the photographer instructed, "like you're fighting each other."  Then he hurried back to his camera.

"Oh, god," Yamapi said in a high-pitched squeal, afraid to look at Toma's face.  "Is he for real?"

"Fantastic!" the photographer yelled.  "More into it, Yamashita!  Look at Ikuta!"  He couldn't look at Toma!  He'd definitely lose it if he did.  "Make sure that the tattoo is visible!"

OK, not looking at Toma's face, looking at Toma's shoulder, Yamapi thought frantically and then found that wasn't an improvement at all.  There was Yamapi's hand, pushing Toma's jacket off his shoulder, that shoulder with the tattoo emblazoned across it.  

Fuck!

One of the make-up girls had now run closer and was fiddling with Yamapi's hair.  Oh, god, this couldn't get any worse.

"Put up a fight, Ikuta!"

Oh, apparently it could!

"Yes, that's it!"

And the camera flashed away.  There was a spluttering sound in his vicinity, barely audible at first, but it kept growing in volume, until he realised it was Toma sniggering.

"Stop it," Yamapi hissed.  "This isn't funny."  But then he made the mistake of looking into Toma's face and the giggle that was building up inside his own chest just had to find release.

They burst out laughing simultaneously; the only reason they were clutching at each other now wasn't because they were struggling, but because they needed each other's support to stay upright.  Yamapi's chin was propped up on Toma's shoulder and there wasn't even the slightest sexual thought in his head.  He was just laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"OK, we'll take a break," he heard the photographer say in a frustrated voice.  "Let's pick this up when you two've stopped fooling around."

That set them off again.  "Fooling around," Toma sputtered in Yamapi's ear.  "We're not fooling around, are we?"

"Right now we're not," Yamapi giggled.  "After the shoot though..."

It wasn't really all that funny.  It was just one of those things that couldn't be explained.  Their laughter would die down, but then the instant they dared to look at each other, they were off again.  They were having so much fun that they didn't see her walk up to them until she spoke.

"Hello there, Toma-kun."  Her voice!  That grating, instantly recognisable voice!  He hadn't heard it in the flesh in years. 

They turned towards her as one.  Yamapi curled his lip slightly when he saw the radiant smile break across Toma's face.

"Ai-chan!  What are you doing here?"  Kato Ai leaned into Toma to give him a hug, one that lasted just a little too long for Yamapi's taste.  Any impulse for laughter magically vanished.  He barely refrained from pulling them apart with a yeah, yeah, that's quite enough.

Finally she turned to him.  "Yamashita-kun, you've sure grown up since I've last seen you."

Yamapi tried to smile.  "I was fourteen."

"Ah, he was so innocent back then."  With a mischievous smile, she winked at Toma.  "Wasn't he?"

Wait!  Did she know about the two of them?  She and Toma had grown quite close on the set of Majo Saiban, but surely he wouldn't have shared such a huge secret with her.  Something that could be interpreted as guilt did briefly fly across Toma's face.  He hadn't, had he?

"What are you doing here?" Toma asked again.  Why, yes, change the subject, why don't you?  Nobody'll notice.  Yamapi narrowed his eyes in sudden suspicion.

"Joining you guys for the shoot!"

Eh, what?  That definitely tore his attention away from Toma's face and any trace of guilt he might find there.  "The shoot?"  Yamapi asked.

Ai-chan smiled.  "I'm joining the cast of Childhood Friends."  Oh, no, no, no...  She turned to Yamapi, her smile confirming his worst suspicion.  "I'm going to be your big sister, Yamapi."  Oh, no, no, no!  If the hints in the first script panned out, that would mean...  With a bright smile she turned to Toma and put Yamapi's fears into words.  "I think we might actually end up together this time, Toma."  Oh, no, no, no...  There were so many no's running through Yamapi's mind, he just hoped he wasn't shaking his head as well.

Toma gave him a cursory glance, as if he was gauging Yamapi's reaction before he smiled at Ai-chan.  "Ah, you never know where the writers will take these things.  They like to keep their audience on its toes."

Yamapi had to give him points for tact, but there was still that other matter that he'd like an answer to.  At that point though Toma and Ai-chan had started reminiscing about the fun they'd had on the Majo Saiban set and Yamapi let it slide.  For the time being, at least.

***

By the time the door of their place banged closed behind them, they'd been pretty much arguing non-stop since they'd left the photo studio. 

"I just don't get you," Toma said, his voice harsh with frustration, as he kicked off his shoes.  His jacket flew quite ungently onto the sofa.  He didn't pay it any mind as he turned towards Yamapi.  "I don't tell people about us, and you're pissed.  I tell one person about us, one person by the way and you're pissed.  Just what do you want?  Make up your mind and let all of us in on it, OK?"

Yamapi huffed and threw his jacket onto Toma's.  It wasn't so much that he'd told anybody, but that he'd told that somebody.  "I don't see how you get to talk to a co-worker about our relationship.  There are people in NEWS who don't know about us." 

OK, only two actually.  Shige had found out quite by accident when he and Ryo had been out on the town with Yamapi and they had run into Toma.  The very next morning Shige had begged Yamapi for permission to tell Koyama; it was simply killing him to keep something from Kei-chan.  So that left Massu and Tegoshi, and to be quite honest, Yamapi wasn't sure those two hadn't simply guessed, especially after the whole Tokyo Dome affair.

Still, it was the principle of the thing.

From the look on Toma's face, it seemed he'd guessed what Yamapi had been thinking.  It wouldn't surprise him; Toma could read him like a book.  "Oh, you've never been caught by your colleagues grilling you about your romances?"

Some of Yamapi's self-righteous anger was starting to fade.  "Well, yes," he stammered.  There had been that time on the Buzzer Beat set, where they'd called him the king of love'em and leave'em, and he hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut.

Toma's facial expression too softened.  "And you accidentally say too much because you just can't bear to deny it yet again?"

Deflated, Yamapi shoved the jackets off the sofa and onto the floor, and fell down onto it.  Pouting, he crossed his arms stubbornly, unwilling to concede anything.  Toma sank down onto the sofa beside him.  Yamapi didn't want to look at him.  No doubt he'd look all pleased with himself.

Toma's shoulder bumped his gently.  When Yamapi looked at him, ready to suck it up, he found Toma gazing at him with a tender smile.  "I said a bit too much, that's all, I swear.  Ai-chan guessed it was you."  He chuckled.  "This might come as a shock to you, but we're not exactly subtle."

Yamapi fought hard against the smile trying to break through, but it escaped despite his best efforts.  "Speak for yourself," he said tersely, trying to hold onto his anger, but feeling it slip further away with every second.

Toma nodded solemnly.  "Yes, you're right.  Telling the whole nation that you're my weakness is an incredible feat of subtlety."

Yamapi stuck out his tongue.  "You just seem so..."  God, it was embarrassing to say it.

"What?" Toma asked gently.

Yamapi rolled his eyes.  "So comfortable with her."

Understanding broke across Toma's face.  Oh, god, this was going to suck.  "You're jealous!" he exclaimed, grinning like an idiot.

Yamapi pulled a face.  "Am not!"  Before Toma could say anything else, he waved a hand at the DVDs and books still littering the coffee table.  "Aren't we going to watch one of those?"

Toma laughed, but didn't say anything and that just made Yamapi pout even more.  As much as he loved that Toma knew him inside and out, there were times when it was a damn nuisance.  Sulking, he watched Toma take out one of the DVDs and put it in the player.

For the first fifteen minutes they sat beside each other in silence watching the movie. If quizzed, though, Yamapi wouldn't have been able to say what was happening on screen.  He was too absorbed in his own thoughts to follow the storyline. 

It was right in the middle of what looked like a rather vicious beating that Yamapi had his epiphany.  Suddenly grinning, he leaned towards Toma, drank in the sight of that weird, utterly irresistible profile and made his heartfelt confession.  "I'm so glad I fell in love with my best friend."

A shocked look on his face, Toma turned to him sharply.  "You're dumping me for Jin?"

His lips twisted, Yamapi retreated back to his own spot and glared at the TV.  "You know, if and when I ever do dump you, it will be because you never take me seriously."

The next moment he had a lapful of Toma straddling his thighs and kissing him deeply.  His hands slid up Toma's back to pull him closer still.  The kiss intensified, chasing any lingering feelings of irritation away. 

Pulling back a little, Toma gave him a sheepish look.  "I didn't mean to make you feel awkward in front of Ai-chan."

Yamapi shook his head, his hands savouring the warmth of Toma's back.  "I was being oversensitive."

"So what else is new?" Toma grinned mischievously.

Feigning offense, Yamapi smirked.  "It's a good thing you're so hot and I can't resist you."  He ran a hand along Toma's thigh, watched lust settle in Toma's eyes with satisfaction, before he added, grinning: "Even if you have no thighs."

Narrowing his eyes, Toma pinched one of Yamapi's nipples through his shirt.  "At least I don't have boobs."

Yamapi smirked in disbelief.  "Oh, come on, you love my boobs."

For a second it looked like Toma was going to deny it, but then he smiled softly, before quickly diving in to kiss Yamapi hard.  Sighing into the kiss, he kept stroking Toma's thighs.  He might tease him about their nonexistance, but they were in fact one of his favourite things about Toma.  His thighs and ass.  Oh, and his smile and his nose, and in fact, everything about him. 

His hands slid up Toma's back, savouring the wonderful feeling of that smooth, warm skin, delighting in the shiver his touch provoked along Toma's spine.  The material of Toma's shirt already bunched up by his wandering hands, Yamapi pulled it the rest of the way over Toma's head and let it fall on the sofa beside them...

Oh, fuck, the tattoo!  With all the quarrelling, it had slipped his mind.  Gulping, he traced it with the tips of his fingers, Toma’s intent gaze following his every move.  It really was quite a piece of art; he’d never thought it could be such a turn on, the way the vividness of the colours made the paleness of Toma’s skin stand out even more. 

Toma’s breath momentarily stalled when Yamapi’s fingers brushed a hard nipple.  With an impatient groan, he captured Yamapi’s mouth in a scorching kiss; Yamapi’s hands lowered between them to unzip Toma's pants.  He couldn’t even wait until he’d pushed Toma’s jeans off his butt, his hand instantly plunging into his underwear.  Toma made an appreciative sound deep in his throat as Yamapi’s hand closed around his cock, stroking a few times.

His jeans still halfway down his butt, Toma abandoned the kiss.  He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, his breathing speeding up as he thrust into Yamapi’s hand. 

"So hot," Yamapi sighed, reasserting his previous statement, sucking kisses into the pale skin just beside the tattoo.  It had been fantastically easy to fall for someone so sensationally hot.   

With one hand on Toma's lower back, the other on Toma's cock, he was leisurely jerking him off.  Slowly at first, but then his rhythm picked up steadily, just the way Toma liked it.  His hands on the back of the sofa on either side of Yamapi's head, Toma was fucking Yamapi's fist, diving in for another kiss,  practically bending Yamapi backwards across the sofa, but that was OK.  Hell, it was fantastic. 

Toma's thrusts sped up; his need to breathe made him abandon the kiss.  His head back, he panted his way to release, one hand now tugging almost painfully on Yamapi's hair.  He was close, Yamapi could tell.  He couldn't stop staring at Toma's face as he got closer and closer to orgasm.  He was so fucking beautiful.

"God, Toma, you're so hot," he sighed again, jerking him a little harder, and that apparently did it.  With a groan, Toma came all over Yamapi's hand.   He slumped against Yamapi, as Yamapi stroked him through the tremors that still ran along his body.

Slowly, Toma stirred, peppering soft kisses along Yamapi's neck and jaw.  When he finally lifted his head, he gave Yamapi the sweetest smile and leaned in for another kiss, this one full of warmth and tenderness.  Once they'd completely indulged themselves, Yamapi cleaned them up with Toma's discarded shirt.

"Nice," Toma said, trying his best to look annoyed, but failing miserably.  If anything, he looked enamoured more than anything else.  "Use my shirt, why don't you?"

"I'm still wearing mine," Yamapi pointed out reasonably.

A wicked grin appeared on Toma's face.  "That can be remedied."

A moment later Toma had, not so gently, pulled off Yamapi's shirt and thrown it behind the sofa.  Slithering down Yamapi's body, leaving kisses wherever he went, he was soon kneeled on the floor between Yamapi legs, his elegant fingers already unbuttoning Yamapi's jeans.  He lifted his butt so Toma could get the jeans and underwear off his ass.  Almost instantly Toma had swallowed his cock, letting Yamapi fuck his mouth until he came, moaning Toma's name.

Curled up together on the sofa, Yamapi’s fingers once again stroked along the tattoo on Toma’s chest.  “It’s going to be a long three months,” he sighed.

Toma raised an eyebrow in question.   “You’re not looking forward to it?”

Smirking, Yamapi gave him an incredulous look.  “It’s going to be impossible to keep my hands off you!”

“Oh, and you think it’s going to be so easy for me?” Toma said with a big grin.  His fingers were tracing a pattern on Yamapi’s hip.  “Have you ever looked at yourself?”

Closing his arms around Toma, Yamapi held him close and sighed with contentment.   “This is going to be so amazing, Toma!”

Toma smiled at him sweetly and brushed a sweat-soaked lock of hair out of Yamapi’s eyes.  “Yes,” he said softly.  “It is.”

***

In hindsight the signs were there.  It had been weeks since they'd signed their contracts, days since they'd done the photo-shoot, but there hadn't been any official announcement yet.  Perhaps they might have taken notice if they hadn't been living on such a high, if they weren't having too much time "reenacting" their scenes.

He'd just stepped off the train back from boxing practice when Johnny called him on his cell phone.

"Yamashita," he said, "come into my office when you get a chance.  We need to talk about this drama Fuji TV wants you to star in.  Some sappy love-story... You know!  The thing you're good at."

It took a moment to sink in.  "For the spring season?" Yamapi asked, frowning.  "But I'm already committed to..."  He stopped himself just before he said Toma's show.  "...to TBS's Childhood Friends."  Even before the harsh laugh on the other side of the line crashed against his ear, Yamapi understood what it meant.  Anger rising up from deep within him, he closed his eyes; his hand clenched almost painfully around the phone, as he willed himself to stay calm. 

They'd fallen for it again.  Johnny had dangled something in front of their faces and snatched it away just before they could grab it.  When would they ever learn?

"Don't be silly," Johnny said, still laughing viciously, "you're a superstar.  You don't play supporting roles."  Though Johnny didn't say it, Yamapi could clearly hear the added: "Especially not with Ikuta." 

He bit back hard on his anger, tried to keep his voice level.  "Then who's going to play my part in Childhood Friends?"

"I've suggested Nishikido to TBS."  Fuck, what?  Ryo?!  "He and Ikuta have never been in a drama together before."  Neither have Toma and I, you sick bastard, Yamapi thought bitterly, but wisely kept his tongue.  "OK, that's settled then," Johnny said, and again it took everything in Yamapi not to start yelling at him.  "Stop by the office some time and we'll finalise the details."

The line clicked closed.  Aware of the people around him, Yamapi fought hard to keep his facial expression neutral, though inside a storm was raging.  The hand holding the cell phone was shaking with anger; he had to literally stop himself from hurling it across the station platform with helpless frustration.

By the time he got home the fury threatened to consume him.  The door falling closed behind him, the first thing Yamapi noticed was Toma sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands.  As Yamapi violently kicked off his shoes, Toma raised his head; the lack of sparkle in his eyes or expression told Yamapi he'd already heard the news.

"That fucker!" Yamapi burst out, finally letting loose the invectives he'd been running around in his mind the entire trip home.  "You know what he's doing, don't you?  He's putting us in our place, reminding us not to get out of line."  The energy needing an escape, he started pacing back and forth across the small room.  He almost wished he'd heard the news before boxing practice, so he could have taken his frustration out on his coach.

His eyes following Yamapi's nervous movements, Toma nodded with a sigh.  "I knew it was too good to be true."

Something was off.  The calm resignation in Toma's voice made Yamapi halt his pacing, stop and stare at Toma.  Why wasn't he more worked about this?  "Did he phone you too?"  Maybe he'd even threatened Toma.  It wouldn't be the first time.

Toma shook his head.  "Some TBS suit did.  Said that they were letting you out of your contract."

Letting him out of his contract!  What a way of putting it!  He snorted with disgust.  "I wonder how much he shelled out just to teach us a lesson."  Well, two could play at that game.  Feeling the determination sink deep into his bones,  he grimaced.  "It's now or never, Toma.  We have to do it now.  Show that fucker we mean business as well."

His eyes wide in surprise, Toma rose quickly from the sofa and walked towards Yamapi.  "It's just a drama, Tomohisa," he said, making Yamapi narrow his eyes at him.  Just a drama?  How could he even say that, when it was so much more than a drama they were talking about here?  "There will be others."

"And he'll yank those away from us as well."  Yamapi shook his head.  "No.  Not again.  He's never doing this to us again."

To Yamapi's surprise, Toma didn't jump to his agreement like Yamapi thought he would.  Instead he kept quiet; a pensive look on his face, he touched a finger to his bottom lip in a gesture that Yamapi knew all too well.   Instant alarm bells started going off in his head. 

"Toma?  We can't let him do this to us again."  His voice almost turned pleading at the lack of response he got.

Toma reached out a hand to him.  "Tomo..."

Gasping, Yamapi took a shocked step backwards, out of Toma's reach.  That was Toma's "Let's talk this through reasonably and you'll see my point of view" tone.  This was not something they could talk through reasonably.  This was not something he would change his mind about.  "What?" he asked, his voice quiet in strained anticipation.

"Now is just really, really bad timing."

Yamapi could only gape at him.  "Bad timing?" he repeated stupidly.

"Ningen Shikkaku is just out.  It can't use bad publicity right now."

Wait, wait!  The commercial success of his movie was more important than their lives?  Yamapi huffed.  "There's no such thing as bad publicity."  Before Toma could contradict him, he added: "It's always been bad timing.  Not now, Tomo, my play is about to start.  Not now, Tomo, my drama needs the viewers.  Not now, Tomo, blah blah blah.  Were you ever planning to keep your promise or were you going to string me along forever?"

This time it was Toma who gasped in shock.  He'd closed the space between them, but now he was the one who took a step back.  Yamapi too was surprised by the venom in his words, but he couldn't find it within himself to regret them.  How much longer did Toma expect him to wait?

"My promise?" His expression was a mix between bafflement and outrage, his voice close to a demand.

"That we would quit Johnny’s!"  He was yelling now, he realised to his own shock.  He never yelled.  "That we would do this together!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Toma swore impatiently.  "Not that again."

And that completely shook Yamapi.  He stared at Toma.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're living in a fantasy land."

"Why are you saying this?" Yamapi stammered.

“Because you're being a fucking child about this.  You can't be an out idol.  Those two things are mutually exclusive."

Yamapi hadn't realised he'd backed away even further until he felt the wall against his back.  He stared at Toma in stunned horror.  When he spoke, he found his voice was shaking.  “We don’t have to out ourselves.   Just…”  He struggled to keep his emotions in check.  “Just get away from Johnny.  Start all over, just the two of us, together.”

“Start all over,” Toma huffed.  “I’ve done all that.  I've worked like a dog to get my career back on track, taken more crap than anyone should have to.  And now that I'm finally reaping the rewards of all my hard work, you want me to start from scratch.  You have no idea, don’t you?  Just no fucking idea.”

This was what having your heart ripped out must feel like, Yamapi thought.  His eyes wide, his heart hammering in his throat, he stared at Toma in horror, unable to believe what he'd just heard.  All these years he'd thought they were fighting together, working to a common goal, to one day be free from Johnny.  It was the only thing that had kept Yamapi going.

Some of the harshness had left Toma's eyes, but his expression was still set in resolve, informing Yamapi that he had no intention of backing down. 

"You're really going to go through with this?" he stammered in disbelief.  "You're really going to do this drama with Ryo-chan instead of me?"

"It's just a drama,” Toma said softly, sounding exasperated. 

Yamapi snorted.  "Yeah, you're right.  It's just a drama."

"Tomo…"  He was using his "Tomo, be reasonable" voice again.  

Yamapi was tired of being reasonable, tired of being talked down to, tired of being stuck in this never-ending cycle where nothing ever changed.  Feeling suddenly exhausted, he looked at the floor and shook his head.  “I think it’s best I go home tonight.”

"You're being melodramatic," Toma said with a sigh and what was almost a roll of his eyes. 

He took a step towards Yamapi, now almost close enough to touch.  Another step, a hand on Yamapi's cheek, gently sliding to the back of his neck.  He knew what this was a precursor to, wasn't surprised when Toma pulled him towards him and into a deep kiss.

As Toma's tongue invaded his mouth, sent his senses soaring like it always did, something tight and painful wound itself into Yamapi's chest.  He wanted to hold Toma, lose himself in kisses and caresses, and forget about their argument, but his arms refused to obey him; they remained slack against his sides.  It hurt so much, he could cry. 

Pulling back, Toma gave him a soft smile, as if the kiss settled the argument.  Words he'd spoken in jest months ago suddenly came back to Yamapi's mind and made a shiver run down his back with their precognitive resonance.  If and when I ever do dump you, it will be because you never take me seriously.

"I love you," Yamapi whispered and that really made the tears escape his eyes and run down his cheeks.  He sniffed, watched the realisation fly across Toma's face.  The argument wasn't settled, not by a long shot.

"Tomohisa," he whispered, his smile vanishing.  He could read it in Yamapi's expression almost as if he could see into Yamapi's soul.  He was really doing this.  He was really walking out on Toma.  "Please."  His eyes too were starting to look suspiciously moist.

His mind made up, Yamapi shook his head, detached himself from Toma and walked towards their bedroom.   Opening the closet, he retrieved his duffel bag and methodically started to pack his clothes away.  He couldn’t think about what this meant, about their long history, about everything they had gone through together.  He had to close his heart and block out everything from his mind if he wanted to get through this without breaking down.

"Tomo..."  Toma's anguished voice came from the bedroom doorway, but Yamapi didn't turn around, didn't stop packing.  "Please don't make a decision like that when you're this emotional."

“Just a little while.”  Yamapi was amazed at the calmness in his own voice.  Toma had broken him of his "Yamashita thing" habit years ago, but perhaps in moments like these the automatic coping mechanism still kicked in.  “I think we shouldn’t see each other for just a little while.”

The last shirts and trousers packed away, Yamapi slung his bag onto his shoulder and turned around.  Toma was watching him from the bedroom doorway, his eyes wide.  Despite the worry in his expression, he looked as determined as Yamapi felt. 

"You can't emotionally manipulate me into turning down this role."

Yamapi smiled sadly.  “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

Toma huffed in derision.  “The hell it isn’t!  Then what is it you're doing?"

"What I'm doing right now," Yamapi said, suddenly tired, "is going home."  He wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers over his head and pretend none of this was happening.  Mere hours ago he had been on top of the world; now it felt like it was all crumbling down around him.

Maybe he expected Toma to stop him.  He didn't, though.  Looking as fiercely set in resolve as Yamapi was, he watched Yamapi walk towards him, but then stepped aside and let him pass through their bedroom doorway without a word of objection.  It shouldn't hurt as much as it did, since it was Yamapi doing the walking out, but god damn it, it did.

It was while he was putting on his shoes and didn't have to look at Toma that he found the courage to speak.  "You're really not going to say anything?" he asked.

From behind him, he heard Toma sigh.  "Not as long as you haven't calmed down."

Shoving his second foot down into his shoe, he turned around.  "I'm not going to change my mind on this."

"Neither am I," Toma said.  His face had lost nothing of its resolve. 

Yamapi nodded in resignation.  "All right.  I'm off, then."

"I'll talk to you later," was the only thing Toma said in goodbye.

The door slamming shut behind him sounded louder than it ever had before.  Almost as if in a trance, Yamapi descended the stairs and walked towards where his car was parked.  Later he couldn't even recall how he got from his bedroom to his car.  He must have, because the next thing he knew he'd flung his bag in the convertible's passenger seat and he was sitting behind the steering wheel.  It was as if only then it started to sink in.

What the fuck had he done?

He dug his cell phone out of his pocket and hit the speed dial.  The reply was almost instant.  "Yo, Pi!  What's up?"

"Jin, I think I just left Toma," he said softly.  It was only when the words left his mouth that it started to become real to him.  His hand around his cell phone suddenly felt ice-cold.

To Yamapi's shock, Jin laughed.  "You think you left him?"  Did Jin think it was a joke?  Apparently so, for his next words were: "Pi, have you been drinking?"

Of course Jin would think he was drunk.  Yamapi snorted when he thought of all the drunk calls he'd got from Jin in the middle of the night after some fight with Kame.

"I'm not drunk."  Maybe it was the graveness of his voice that tipped Jin off.  The next thing he heard down the line was a prolonged gasp.

"But that's impossible!"  Jin finally exclaimed.  "You're Toma and Yamapi!  You go together like... like..."  Jin stammered to find the right simile and then finally spat out: "...like Toma and Yamapi for fuck's sake."  In a calmer voice, he continued.  "What happened?"

That was a good question.  "I don't know," Yamapi said, realising how stupid that made him sound.  And yet, it was the truth.  Something, somewhere, completely spiralled out of control and ended up in him leaving Toma, and he was still too stunned about the whole chain of events to figure out how he even got in his car.  One thing he did know.  "He broke his promise."

"His promise?" Jin repeated dumbly.  "His promise to what?"

To leave Johnny's with Yamapi, but how did he even start telling Jin?  Jin didn't even know about that promise.  He chuckled humourlessly. 

"Did he cheat on you?" Jin asked breathlessly.

"No."

"Did you cheat on him?"

"No," Yamapi again said.

"Then what?"  Jin sighed impatiently.  "Look, where are you?"

"In my car, still outside our place."

"There's a bit of a to-do here at my place, but you're welcome to crash here, you know that, don't you, Pi?  Come over!  We'll talk.  We'll drink.  And by the time it's morning you'll come to your senses and realise that it was all a giant mistake."

Yamapi smiled.  It had been a good idea to phone Jin.  "Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll go home."

"Oh, OK."  Jin sounded deflated, but perhaps also a little relieved.  "If you feel the need to get plastered, you know where to find me."

"Yeah, thanks, Jin."

"This will all blow over, you'll see.  You should know how many times Kame and I've yelled: "That's it!  We're done!"  But then we sleep on it and we make up again in the morning." 

"Yeah," he said, though he doubted his situation was anything like Jin and Kame's.  For one thing, those two thrived on conflict and for another, he and Toma never got into screaming fights over band-related frustrations.  "You're right."  He thought about Toma's words, hell, Jin's own words just a few weeks ago.  "I'm being melodramatic."

"Exactly," Jin said wisely.  "Go home for the night, sleep in your own bed and you'll miss Toma so much you'll never bring up this nonsense of leaving him ever again."

Feeling slightly better, Yamapi put away his phone and started his car.  Jin was probably right.  Sleeping in his own bed for a few nights would do him good.  No distractions, just Yamapi and his thoughts.

He let himself into the house, feeling instantly better when he heard the loud barking that greeted him.  Wagging his tail, P-chan came running towards him, Hime-chan not far behind, both dogs yapping at him and jumping up against his leg.  As soon as Yamapi'd lifted P-chan onto his arm, the dog started licking Yamapi's face, doing wonders for his mood. 

When he appeared in the living room, his bag slung across his shoulder, one dog on his arm and the other jumping around wildly around his feet, his mom looked at him blankly. 

"Tadaima," was his only word of explanation.

She nodded at him.  "Okaeri."  Despite the flicker of curiosity and worry that he saw in her expression, she didn't ask any further questions. 

Standing there, feeling awkward and hurt and miserable, he wished that for once she would, give him an opening so he could spill his guts, get a word of encouragement, assurance that everything was going to be OK, that he hadn't just thrown away the most important thing in his life on a whim.

He stabbed a thumb behind him.  "I'll be in my room."

"OK.  Good night."

Safe in his room he dumped his bag on the floor and fell back onto his bed, P-chan on his stomach.  The dog clearly felt that there was something amiss with his master; he kept licking Yamapi's face and mouth as if trying to comfort him.  Sighing, Yamapi pouted at the dog.  "You'd never break your promises to me, would you, P-chan?"

P-chan's only reply was a high-pitched yelp.  Smiling sadly, Yamapi buried his nose in the dog's soft fur.

***

When Rina found him sitting at the breakfast table the next morning, she gave him a strange look.  "Eeeeh?"  Her frown slowly smoothed out.  Sitting down at the table opposite him, she stared at him with a infuriatingly knowing grin. 

Yamapi resolutely focussed on his breakfast.  Scooping more rice into his mouth, he stubbornly ignored her, pretended he didn't know what was going through her head.  Even with his head down he could sense her staring at him, trying to break him.  He wouldn't, though.  He could be as stubborn as ...  "What?" he snapped, giving up almost too easily and looking up at her.

"You know, you could apologise," she said, her chin resting in both her hands, still grinning at him.

With a sigh, Yamapi put down his chopsticks.  "Why do you always assume it's my fault?"

Her grin grew even bigger.  "Because I've lived with you a lot longer than Toma-kun has."

The pain and loss suddenly threatened to overwelm him.  Lowering his eyes back to his rice-bowl, he swallowed hard.  "It's not as easy this time."

He could hear her open her mouth to tell him to stop being an idiot - something she was very good at - but mercifully that was the moment their mother approached the table with Rina's breakfast. 

"But..."  Rina'd already started, but she was stopped by their mother forcefully saying her name.  Yamapi glanced up furtively and saw their mum shake her head at Rina in warning.

Yamapi sighed.  He might as well get this over with.  "I think Toma and I broke up last night." 

Saying it made it suddenly real.  The ache bursting in his chest, he looked from his mum to his sister, both wearing identical expressions of shock.  Yamapi realised he hadn't even offered his mum a word of explanation yet.  She had probably assumed, just like Rina had, that it was just a tiff and they would work things out if they both slept on it.  Perhaps they still might.  Jin certainly seemed to think so.

"Niichan," Rina said slowly, her voice turning from mocking to sympathetic.  His mum simply put a hand on his head and left it there for a moment.  Yamapi closed his eyes, but the next moment the touch was gone.  When he opened his eyes, his mum had retreated again.  Rina, though, was still staring at him, completely ignoring the breakfast their mum had put in front of her.

"You didn't cheat on him, did you?" she asked sternly.

He smiled through his pain.  Why did everyone keep asking that?  "No, I didn't cheat on him.  And he didn't cheat on me."

"Then why?"  She sounded, and looked, exasperated now.  "Don't you love him anymore?"

Yamapi sighed.  If only it were that simple.

***

Hiding out in his room had become a good tactic in avoiding having to talk about it.  His mum and sister were full of good intentions, but he didn't even want to think about it anymore, let alone talk about it.  Fortunately, after the first few times he'd snapped at them that he didn't need anything, they took the hint and left him to his sulking.

Others, though, weren't so good at taking the hint.  He sighed as his cell phone rang yet again, immediately recognising the ringtone.  If there was one person he was not in the mood to talk to...

The ringing insisted.  Among his other qualities, this guy was also one stubborn son of a bitch.  Almost as stubborn as Yamapi himself, he thought with a grimace.  Finally giving up, Yamapi grabbed his cell from his bedside table and pushed the call button.  "What is it, Ryo?"

"Ha!"  The voice on the other side sounded triumphant.  "I know!  I know what you know!"

Rubbing his forehead, Yamapi sank onto the edge of his bed.  "Yeah?"

"Yeah!  You knew, didn't you?  You knew that our song was going to be used for Toma's show!  The one that I'm going to co-star in!  With Toma, man!  Toma!"

It was too much.  He'd thought he could handle this, but he was wrong.  Without even letting Ryo finish, he clicked the phone line dead.  Closing his eyes, he fell on his back onto the bed.  So Ryo had been given the role.  It was final now.  How could something that had started like a dream turn into such a nightmare?

He expected Ryo to call back immediately, but when fifteen minutes later he still hadn't, Yamapi lifted the cell phone still in his hand and frowned at it.  It was so not like Ryo to give up without a fight.  As if to prove him right, the phone started ringing again, startling Yamapi.

"Ryo?" he said, immediately continuing, before Ryo could start enthusing about his new drama again, "look, I'm not feeling well.  Can we do this some other time?"

"Dude," Ryo said, and just from the sudden grave tone of his voice, Yamapi knew that Ryo knew.  "Why didn't you say something?  Aren't we best friends?"

"Ryo..."  Suddenly he had to blink back tears.  The concern in Ryo's voice was undoing him.  "Ryo," he started again, "how do you know?"  He had his suspicions.

"I phoned Toma," Ryo said, confirming them.  "He told me everything." 

Toma.  Of course.  Yamapi wanted desperately to ask Ryo how Toma had sounded; he needed to know if Toma was handling this any better than Yamapi was.  He didn't ask, of course.  He couldn't drag Ryo into it.  Even though he already was, Yamapi realised with a sad chuckle.

Toma wouldn't tell him what had transpired between them, Yamapi was sure of that.  Still he had to ask.  "Everything?"

"That you were under contract to play my role, but Johnny yanked you out at the last minute.  God, Pi, I feel so awful!  I know how long you've dreamed of starring with Toma.  To have it and lose it.  That's worse than never having it in the first place."  Oh, Yamapi should have known that Ryo would understand exactly how he was feeling.  He had to swallow against the tight feeling in his throat.  "I had no idea the old man could be that cruel," Ryo added, his voice harsh.

Yamapi snorted.  He did and he'd still been caught off guard.

"No wonder you were so happy."  Ryo chuckled briefly.  "As if you'd be that happy on my behalf."

"Hey," Yamapi objected, "of course I'd be!  We're best mates, aren't we?"

"I've got half a mind to turn them down," Ryo said.  It was obvious from the anger in his voice that he wasn't kidding.

"Don't," Yamapi said resolutely.  "It's a good role, Ryo.  And it's..."  Damn it, why was this so hard to say?  "It's Toma," he added softly. 

"Yeah," Ryo agreed.  "If I can be sure you won't hate me for it, I'd love to do it.  Toma's always been on my list of people I want to act with."  It was undoubtedly Yamapi's sharp intake of breath that made Ryo groan.  "Oh, shit, man, that totally came out wrong.  This must suck for you."

That was an understatement.  "Don't worry about it."  Yamapi could sense some hesitation on the other side of the line, steeled himself against what he suspected Ryo was about to ask, but fuck, it was still painful to hear. 

"Toma says that you're not exactly happy with him right now."

"Ryo," he cautioned, not sure how to tell him that he could stick his nose in a lot of things, but not his relationship with Toma.

"Yeah, yeah, none of my goddamn business, I totally agree.  But I wouldn't feel right if I didn't tell you this, Pi.  What you and Toma've got is really special, man.  Don't throw it away on something this stupid."

Yamapi grinned, despite himself.  Only Ryo could call him stupid and make it sound like a compliment.  "Thank you, Ryo," he said, meaning it more than his jocular tone would suggest.  "Your honesty is, as always, appreciated."

"Well..."  Ryo sounded almost shy.  "Hanging around you and Jin has made me an expert on idiocy."

Or perhaps hanging around Shige had made him smarter.  "Thanks, Ryo," he said again. 

"See you, Pi."  With a wicked chuckle, Ryo couldn't resist getting in the last word.  "Don't do anything stupid!"  Ryo hung up before Yamapi could say anything.

A smile lingered, as he lowered his cell phone and resumed his navel-gazing.  Or more literally, his ceiling-gazing.  As much as he'd been dreading talking to Ryo, he had to admit that he was feeling better now that he had.

Downstairs P-chan was creating a unholy racket that got Yamapi's immediate full attention.  He knew what that bark meant.  They had a visitor.  A particular visitor.  Fuck fuck fuck!  Yamapi wasn't sure he wanted to see him.  And yet, at the same time, he almost desperately needed to.  Would he come straight up or would...

"Niichan?" his mum called outside his door.  Guess that answered that question.

"Yeah?"

At his acknowledgement, his mum appeared in his bedroom doorway, a concerned expression on her face.  Maybe because he was still lying on his bed, feeling sorry for himself.  "Toma-kun is here," she said softly, telling him what he already knew.  "Can he come up or would you prefer...?"  She left the rest hanging, but he knew that, despite her fondness for Toma, she would show him the door if Yamapi asked her to.

He shook his head, but didn't move.  "No, send him up."

Her concerned look lingered a moment longer, but then she nodded and left.  His heart started beating faster as he waited for Toma.  He wanted to see him, almost desperately so, but at the same time he was dreading the result.  He'd told his mum and sister that he thought they'd broken up and that was the truth.  It definitely hurt like they'd broken up, but there was still a part of him that believed that he might be wrong and that was the part he wanted to cling to with all his might.  By the time Toma left, that little bit of hope too might be gone.

There was a knock on his door. 

"Yeah." 

Taking a deep breath, he braced himself and sat up.  His door opened.  Toma walked in.

Well, at least he looked as bad as Yamapi felt.  It shouldn't have made him feel better.

"Hey," Toma said, sounding more hesitant than Yamapi had ever heard from him.  "I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me."  Not sure what to say, Yamapi shrugged noncommittally.  That familiar impatience that Toma could never hide when Yamapi got in one of those moods flashed briefly across Toma's face, but it was gone almost instantly.  "Can I...?"  He made a gesture towards Yamapi's bed. 

Perhaps that more than anything else said how deep the wound they'd inflicted ran.  Toma would never have asked before.  His chest hurting, Yamapi simply nodded.   With a smile that looked utterly fake, Toma sat down at the foot of Yamapi's bed.  He seemed to debate with himself for a moment, but then he reached out a hand and put it on Yamapi's leg, just above his ankle. 

The touch ran straight through Yamapi; his eyes closed involuntarily against the pain shooting through him.  He understood that it was Toma reaching out to him, with his touch, like he couldn't seem to do with his words. 

He did it without even thinking about it, like it was second nature.  He lay back down on the bed, but in the opposite direction, his cheek now on Toma's thigh.  Closing his eyes, he drank in Toma's scent, his cologne mixed with that something that was uniquely Toma.  Yamapi knew with absolute certainty that he would recognise that scent anywhere.

There was of course an added bonus to being in this position.  He wouldn't have to look Toma in the eye.   He held his breath, but after just the slightest pause, Toma's hand was in Yamapi's hair, as he expected it to be, and he started breathing again, savouring the gentle strokes on his hair.  It felt so peaceful; neither seemed willing to start talking.  One of them would have to, sooner or later.  Unsurprisingly, it turned out to be Toma.

"I'm just as devestated about it as you are, Tomo," he said, his voice soft.  "I wanted it just as badly."

"But you're still going through with it."  Yamapi was grateful that he didn't have to look at Toma as he said his next words.  "Without me."

Toma's hand stilled in Yamapi's hair.  "You don't know what it's like."

Yamapi could guess where this was going, but asked anyway.  "What?"

"To be forgotten."  It was barely louder than a whisper.  "It was my own choice," Toma rushed along, without waiting for Yamapi's reaction, "and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but I've worked so damn hard to get back here."

What could Yamapi say to that?  It was the truth.  "I just talked to Ryo-chan," he said.  "He's really looking forward to starring with you."

Toma chuckled.  "So am I, actually." 

Yamapi swallowed past the sharp pain in his chest.  "What are they going to do about the photoshoot?"

"Photoshop Ryo into it."  Wow, that hurt even more.  "Oh!" Toma suddenly exclaimed.  "Did you even bother to find out about the drama Fuji TV's got in store for you?  Do you know who your co-star's going to be?"

"No," Yamapi replied listlessly, perplexed at the enthusiasm in Toma's voice.  Who cared who his co-star was going to be?  It wasn't going to be Toma.  That was all that mattered.

"Jin!"

Huh?  Shocked, Yamapi pushed himself up, his legs beneath him, and stared at Toma.  "Jin?!"

Toma beamed at him.  "Jin!"

"But I talked to him just last night!  He didn't say anything about it."

"Maybe he doesn't know himself yet."

"Then how do you...?"  Yamapi closed his mouth, realising the answer to his own question.  Toma knew because Toma had made it his business to know.  Probably figured that he could use it as a bargaining tool with Yamapi.  Who was manipulating who now?  If Yamapi could be convinced that this other drama was a good idea, then maybe...  He called a halt to his own thoughts, hating himself for thinking them.  "Yeah," he conceded reluctantly, "that's fantastic."

Seeing Yamapi completely fail to show any enthusiasm, Toma frowned.  "Come on, don't tell me that you're not happy!  A month ago you would have been jumping around the room at the prospect of starring in a drama with Jin!"

"That was before I got a drama with you," Yamapi said quietly.

The fake enthusiasm fell from Toma's face; Yamapi was relieved to see it go.  "Aw, Tomo," he said, picking up Yamapi's hand and playing with his fingers, "it just wasn't meant to be.  It'll happen."

His eyes drawn to his fingers within Toma's, Yamapi sniffed and shook his head.  "No, it won't.  Has Johnny still not made his point?"  Letting go of Yamapi's hand, Toma opened his mouth to say something, but Yamapi didn't let him.  "No, no, I get it, I do.  You want to do this drama and you'll use any means to justify taking it..."

"Tomo, that's not fair," Toma started, but again Yamapi didn't let him finish.

"You keep talking about how hard you've worked to get here and god, Toma, you have and I admire you so much for it, but god damn it, I've worked hard too.  Contrary to what people seem to believe, it doesn't all magically fall into my lap.

"Yes," he barrelled through the protest that he again saw coming, "I got a lot of breaks that other people didn't, that you didn't, but I worked for them too.  And then there's university.  It was damn hard work, but I got through it, because I had a dream in mind, one I thought we shared."

Something harsh settled in Toma's face.  "I didn't see you running straight from our place to Johnny to quit."

Yamapi shrugged.  "What's the point without you?"

Before he said his next words, Toma lowered his head, as if he couldn't look Yamapi in the eye.  He understood why when he heard what Toma had to say.  "So basically, you're punishing me for something that you're not prepared to do yourself?"

Never would Yamapi have thought that Toma could be that vicious; Yamapi could only gape at him.  Jumping off the bed, he stood in front of Toma and glared down at him.  "If that's what you think, you could have saved yourself the trip over here."

Toma ran his hands across his face a few times, but when he looked up at Yamapi, there was something sad in his expression.  "Is this how we end?  Over a drama?"

"Maybe that's why it's called a drama," Yamapi offered weakly.

"Tomo," Toma said, his expression turning close to pleading, "I don't want to break up with you."

And Yamapi didn't want to break up with Toma.  God, how he didn't.  Yet, those weren't the words that left his mouth.  "Maybe for a little while," he said softly, looking down at his feet.  "I've always been part of Toma and Yamapi.  I don't even know how to function as me.  Not Yamapi, or Toma's Yamashita or NEWS' leader, but as me, Yamashita Tomohisa."

Slowly, Toma got to his feet and stood in front of Yamapi.  His expression was solemn, but blank.  "Just for a little while?"  Yamapi nodded.  "How long is a little while?"

"God, Toma, I don't know!"  He threw up his arms in helpless frustration.  "A month, a year, just some breathing space!"

"And when you say not see each other, you mean not see each other?  Not even as friends?"

Ito-san's words came back to him.  Can you be friends with an ex-lover?  Yamapi found he was shaking his head before he'd even made up his mind.

Toma's face froze in shock.  "Tomo, you can't mean that," he said, sounding horrified.

Yamapi shrugged.  "Maybe some day.  Not now."

"Does it really run that deeply?" Toma asked, looking lost between curious and genuinely shocked. 

Guess it did, Yamapi realised, because he was nodding. 

"So this is goodbye, then?" Unable to look at Toma or reply to his question, Yamapi stared intently at his feet.  "Yamashita, for fuck's sake!"  Toma's sharp exclamation made Yamapi's head snap up. 

"Not forever, Toma, just a little while."  He sounded like he was pleading; he only realised he was crying when he felt the wetness on his cheeks.  "I just... "  He swallowed and tried again.  "I just need..."

"... not to be around me for a while," Toma finished for him.  It was obvious from the blankness in his voice that he'd given up the fight; had resigned himself.  With a soft smile, he put a hand on Yamapi's cheek; his thumb gently wiped away the tears.  "If that's what you feel you need." 

Yamapi's eyes closed of their own accord, whether in reply to the soft touch or the words spoken with such sincerity, he didn't know.  "I'm sorry," he said.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this."  The touch on Yamapi's cheek vanished; Yamapi opened his eyes to find Toma smiling at him.  "I'll see you around, Tomohisa."

"Goodbye," he whispered.

Toma opened the door, threw him another wistful look and then closed the door behind him.  Feeling like his heart had been pulled out, Yamapi sank onto his bed and lowered his head into his hands.  Every fibre of his being was screaming to fling that door open, run after Toma and tell him it was all a stupid mistake, but he didn't.  He just sat there in silent misery.

From downstairs came the sound of P-chan yapping away at Toma, though this time it was joined by the voice of Yamapi's mum.  Because she had to raise her voice to be heard over P-chan's loud barking, it drifted all the way up to Yamapi's room.  He lifted his head from his hands, wondering what was going on down there.

Carefully, he opened the door of his bedroom.  When he didn't see anything he sneaked a little closer to the stairs and peered down.  They were standing just inside the front door, Toma looking miserable, with P-chan on his arm, and Yamapi's mum quietly talking to him, her expression one of concern.  Now that he'd been picked up, P-chan was mercifully quiet, so the both of them had lowered their voices again; Yamapi could see their lips move, but had no idea what was being said.

He couldn't take it anymore.  He was just about to retreat back to his room, when he noticed Rina looking up at Yamapi from the living room doorway.  Their eyes met briefly; she flashed him a small encouraging smile that went straight to his heart.  He wanted one more look at Toma before he went back to his room, but when he turned his gaze on him, Yamapi found Toma looking back at him.

It was like one of those moments Yamapi had often filmed for some of his dramas, where the romantic leads stare at each other, forgetting about the world around them.  Only this was reality and Yamapi couldn't take it anymore.  Breaking eyecontact, he turned and slammed his bedroom door behind him.

Part II

Work was good; distraction was good.  Filming started on Yamapi's own drama, taking his mind away somewhat from the ache of missing Toma.  He had to admit it, it was a blast filming with Jin.  There was one downside however to spending so much time with someone who knew you so well: it became downright exhausting to keep up a front all the time.

Life without Toma wasn't as easy as he pretended it was.  He'd been part of Toma and Yamapi for so long that at first it almost felt unnatural not to be, not to have that constant in his life.  Maybe that was the reason that at the start he went a little nuts.

A therapist would probably say that he was testing his boundaries.  He certainly threw all caution to the wind, wandering around the Shinjuku Ni-chome district, going from one club to another, picking up random strangers, and blowing or fucking them in the backroom.  The odd thing was that he never went for the same type, never sought out the skinny, pale-skinned guys.  Almost all of the guys he picked up didn't bear any resemblance to the one he was trying to fuck out of his mind and heart.

The way he met Marco was a meet-cute straight out of some cheesy drama.  Yamapi was in his convertible, waiting at the lights, when he was violently thrown out of his thoughts by some idiot rear-ending him.  Startled and shocked, he watched the driver jump out of his seat and walk towards Yamapi on shaky legs.  He was tall, with dark curly hair, and though he didn't look Japanese, he addressed Yamapi in accentless Japanese.

"Dude, I'm so sorry!  I got distracted for just one seco..."  His voice trailed off as he gazed at Yamapi with wide eyes.  "Yamashita-san!"  He touched the palm of his hand to his forehead and blew out a deep breath.  "Yikes!  What have I done?"

Well, at least he didn't pretend that he hadn't recognised him.  Yamapi waved it away.  "It's called an accident for a reason.  No one does these things on purpose."

A conclusion that Yamapi began to rethink some time later, when Marco, born from a Japanese mother and Italian father, proceeded to flirt with him with no hint of subtlety.  By that time Yamapi was doing some rear-ending of his own, his hands sliding across strong, olive-coloured shoulders and down solid, broad hips, and he frankly didn't care if it was set up or not.

The only difference between Marco and any of the other random guys Yamapi picked up was that Marco stuck around.

***

Marco had a pattern and you didn't need to be a genius to see through it.  He loved showing off Yamapi.  Whether it was in his modelling circuit or out on the town, it didn't matter.  He would strut around next to Yamapi with a "Hey, I'm fucking Yamapi!  Doesn't that get me some clout?" attitude.  If Yamapi had cared more about Marco, he might have found the whole thing distasteful.  As it was, he was just glad someone was happy to be known to be fucking him.

Today too, Yamapi'd been invited to Marco's photoshoot for the sole purpose of being seen with him.  It wasn't the first time Yamapi was being used like this; he knew it wouldn't be the last time.  Besides, Yamapi was using Marco as well.  Neither of them could afford getting on their high horse.

Of course Yamapi attracted attention the moment he walked into the building.  He'd done enough photoshoots himself in this particular studio to be immediately recognised by the staff.  "Yamashita-san," said one of the young women working for the studio, frowning as she hurried towards him.  "I don't have you scheduled for a shoot."

Smiling, he waved his hand back and forth.  "Oh, I don't!  I'm just visiting a friend."

"Ah," she sighed, sagging in obvious relief, and then laughed in realisation.  "I was going through my schedule like a maniac, thinking I'd forgotten about you."

"Is it OK if I go through?"  He gestured behind her, towards the photo studio.

For a split second she looked like she might say no - Yamapi would have shrugged and turned around, happy to have a genuine excuse when Marco complained that he hadn't shown up - but then she smiled brightly.  "Of course!"

He flashed her a smile, feeling how fake it was, as he walked past her and into the studio.  The flashing lights of the camera greeted him, as did the loud voice of the photographer shouting intructions at the models.   Ah, it was Yamaguchi-san!  He was good, clear with his instructions.  No nonsense.  Yamapi liked him.

Yamapi curled his lip when he turned the corner and saw Marco.  It looked like he was doing a fashion shoot.  He was looking very good in a pale grey suit, a hat on his dark curls at a jaunty angle, and trendy sunglasses on his nose that he effectively used as a prop like the professional that he was.

Leaning against a wall, Yamapi crossed his arms and watched the whole thing with a smile.  Yes, it was true that Marco was ridiculously good-looking, and yes, it was his job to pout and flirt at the camera, but Yamapi had known him for quite a few months now and knew what a goddamn attention whore he was.  Amused, Yamapi watched the two female models on either side of Marco drape themselves all over him, knowing that this was Marco's idea of heaven.

Unlike Yamapi, who always got self-conscious when there was a camera on him.  It got so bad sometimes that he couldn't even force his face into a smile.  That's why he'd always loved photoshoots with Toma.  With Toma there, he could forget about the cameras, could forget about all the staff and hairdressers and make-up people focussed only on him.  He could just have fun and laugh with Toma, and as the photographer snapped away, he wasn't thinking about looking cool or forcing his face into a fake smile; he was thinking about how much he loved being with Toma.  The photos taken with Toma always came out the best, were always his favourites.

Like that time they'd been laughing so hard that the photoshoot had to be called off for a while, until the both of them got a hold of themselves.  Yamapi could feel the grin appearing on his face as he remembered how they'd held up the entire shoot, but neither of them had cared because they were having so much fun.

"Pi!"

Snapping out of his thoughts, Yamapi realised that Marco was standing right in front of him, frowning at him.  How long had he been standing there?  Yamapi hadn't even noticed him come closer.  "Hey," he said, smiling sheepishly.

Marco shook his head.  "You've been doing that a lot lately, do you know that?"

Not quite sure what he meant, Yamapi frowned.  "Doing what?"

"Zoning out like that.  I called your name three times!"

He had?  He'd thought Toma had broken him of that habit.  When had it made a reappearance?  It wasn't something that he cared to think about.  "That's a snazzy suit," he said with a flirty smile.

It worked like a charm, like he knew it would.  There was nothing that Marco was more easily distracted by than his own good looks.  Yamapi pursed his lips as he watched Marco preen and glance down at himself.  "Dolce and Gabbana.  Too bad I can't keep it."

"Yeah," Yamapi agreed, "it looks really good on you."  Mission accomplished.  Marco was no longer thinking about his little zone-out episode and neither would Yamapi.  If it could be helped at all, he wouldn't be thinking about anything that he didn't want to think about.  That's why they'd arranged to go out on the town tonight.  Yamapi loved dancing and there was nothing like losing himself in a throng of sweaty bodies.  It was almost like meditation, the way he could give himself over to the rhythm, have his thoughts drowned out by the thump thump thump of the music.  "A little overdressed for the club we're going to."

Marco grinned.  "Yeah, about that.  We'll have to make a stop at my place to change."

***

"Make yourself at home," Marco said, after he'd let Yamapi into his flat and made his way towards his bedroom.  "I won't be long."

After he'd grabbed a beer out of the fridge, Yamapi threw his jacket onto the back of the sofa and settled down in front of the TV.  He knew from experience how long it took Marco to get ready for anything.  He doubted he'd ever met a more vain man in his life.  His beer in one hand, the remote in the other, he was aimlessly flicking through the channels on TV when his heart suddenly skipped a beat.  The remote fell out of his hand.

Toma's drama!  How had he forgotten that it started tonight?  Never before had he missed even one episode of Toma's dramas!

He took a deep breath and leaned back, feeling his heart hammer in his chest.  The words coming out of Toma's mouth weren't even sinking in.  All Yamapi could to do was drink in Toma's appearance.

He looked good.   Of course he looked good.  He was one of the most amazingly good-looking people Yamapi had ever known, even if Yamapi's love for him hadn't made him slightly biased.  And the sound of his voice!  Yamapi wanted to close his eyes, let the voice wash over him, but that would mean not looking at Toma any more and that frankly just wouldn't do.

The meet-cute with Ai-chan's character happened next; Yamapi maturely stuck out his tongue at her.  He had no right to feel this jealous, he knew that and yet, he couldn't stop himself from glaring at the TV.

"Right, I'm ready, let's go."  Marco's voice registered, but Yamapi's attention would not shift from what was happening on TV.

"Yeah," he replied automatically.  There was something off about Toma, he had just noticed.  There was something missing in his eyes, a spark that had been extinguished.  Maybe he was missing Yamapi as much as he was missing him?  Running a hand through his hair, Yamapi called himself a fool.  No doubt Toma had moved on, just the way Yamapi had… just the way Yamapi had tried.

"Shit, what the hell are you watching?"

Yamapi had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed Marco falling onto the sofa beside him.  Why would Marco ask such a stupid question, he wondered.  Couldn't he see that it was Toma?  But then he noticed that Toma was no longer on screen; the scene had switched to Ryo and his family situation. 

"Oh!"  Marco laughed with sudden understanding.  "It's Nishikido's show."  He looked around for the remote, frowned when he found it on the floor at Yamapi's feet.  "You're not contractually bound to watch your bandmates' shows, are you?"  He picked up the remote, had his finger on the button to turn off the TV.  "You know how much I hate these cheesy…"

He never got any further, Yamapi having snatched the remote out of his hand.  "We're watching this."

"I thought we were going out?"

"After.  Now we're watching this."  Hearing the resolve in Yamapi's voice, Marco gave him a strange look, but then shrugged and got off the sofa to get himself a beer. 

Why was he torturing himself like this, he wondered, when Toma came back on screen.  He should go out, have fun, drink and dance and flirt with strangers.

He knew the answer to his own question.  He couldn't not watch Toma's drama any more than he could stop breathing.  He had never missed even one episode of any of Toma's dramas.  No matter how painful, he couldn't stop a lifetime habit now.

Marco returned with his beer, gave Yamapi a contemplative look when he saw Toma, but Yamapi kept his gaze firmly locked on the screen, sure that Marco would see the longing if their eyes met.  He'd never told Marco about Toma, respectful of the privacy that Toma was so protective of, but Marco, like so many other people, had to be wondering how Toma had gone from a constant presence in Yamapi's life to hardly even mentioned.  

"Come on," Yamapi said forty minutes later, jumping to his feet while the credits were still rolling to NEWS' new single, and grabbed his jacket off the back of the sofa.  "Let's go."

With a long-suffering sigh, Marco clicked off the TV, picked up his own jacket and followed Yamapi.  "You're in a mood tonight," he felt the need to point out. 

Frankly, Yamapi didn't care.  There was an energy crackling along his skin, a dull ache in his head and an emptiness in his heart.  He wanted to feel numb; he wanted the heat from the club, warm bodies to press up against, and lots and lots of alcohol.

***

The drama's theme song, NEWS' new single, was about to be released, which meant that Yamapi had to be present for the song's promotion.  That it naturally turned into promotion for Toma and Ryo's drama, was an unhappy side-product. 

He hadn't seen Ryo often in the last few weeks - both were too busy with their respective dramas - and Yamapi quite preferred it this way.  The last thing he needed right now was Ryo going on and on about how much fun he and Toma were having on set.

As it turned out, Yamapi wasn't giving Ryo enough credit.  He could be surprisingly compassionate and understanding when it mattered.

They were in Music Station's green room, waiting for their appearance on the show.  Ryo hadn't arrived yet and by some unspoken agreement, the other four were keeping out of Yamapi's way, as if they could sense that he wanted to be left alone.  After more than six years in the same group together, they knew him well enough to read his mood.  In a lot of ways it almost felt like the early days of NEWS again, when the other members had been too scared to approach Yamapi.

Sitting in one of the many waiting areas, he was mindlessly leafing through a magazine; his heart skipped a beat when he stumbled across a paparazzi picture.  It was blurry and obviously taken from a distance, but it was clearly Toma.  Just a small photo, but it made something tight form in Yamapi's belly.  He couldn't remember any other time when he and Toma had been away from each other this long.  Suddenly, he missed Toma more than he could put into words.

Wait! There was someone else in the photo, someone Toma was smiling at sweetly.  A woman?  What the hell?  And why did she look so familiar?  The question was answered when he read the caption beneath it.  Ikuta and Kato getting even closer on their second drama collaboration.

Kato Ai-chan? 

"I've always had a bit of a crush on her," Ikuta-san confessed to our reporter, the blurb continued.  It was like a knife through Yamapi's heart.

"It's not true, you know," a familiar, rough voice said close by.  Yamapi didn't have to look up to know that Ryo had sat down on the settee beside him.  "There's nothing going on between them."

Of course there wasn't.  Yamapi knew that.  For one thing, she was lacking a body part that Yamapi knew for a fact Toma was rather fond of.  It still hurt, though.

"You know what the gutter press is like," Ryo continued, when Yamapi said nothing, nor turned his gaze away from the photo, no matter how much it hurt to look at it.  "They'll invent any crazy story to make their magazines sell."

"Doesn't take away that he was out on a date with her."  Whoa, did that sound as bitchy as he thought it did?

Apparently so, if Ryo's impatient sigh was anything to go by.  "So they're friends.  You're begrudging him friends now?  I've seen them together on set."  Yamapi knew that Ryo wasn't trying to rub it in, but it still hurt.  "Trust me, they're just friends.  Even when he's pining for you, he's still Toma.  Everyone loves him."

Yamapi stopped listening after Ryo said the words "pining for you".  He finally turned towards Ryo and stared at him.  Ryo gave him a look back, one that Yamapi had seen a million times and knew meant "idiot" in Ryo-speak.

"Of course he's still hung up on you," Ryo said, the "idiot" not quite spoken, but implied in his tone.

His mouth twisted in thought, Yamapi turned his attention back to the photo.  Almost subconsciously the tip of his index finger caressed Toma's face.  Ryo's next words shocked him out of his thoughts.

"I don't know how you get off blaming Toma for finding a friend to confide in.  You've already got a new guy yourself."  And that was Ryo too.  Compassionate and understanding one moment and mercilessly honest the next. 

"Marco's just..."  Without taking his eyes off the photo in front of him - perhaps because he couldn't face Ryo - he sighed.  What was Marco?  He could hardly call him a fuck-toy to Ryo.

"Are you in love with him?" 

Yamapi swung towards Ryo, his expression giving away how appalled that thought made him.  Of course he wasn't in love with Marco!  As if he could just fall out of love with Toma like that!  His surprise slowly faded when he saw the look on Ryo's face, a look that said that Ryo found the thought as ridiculous as Yamapi did. 

"Then why?" was all Ryo said, but that was all he needed to say.  Yamapi knew very well what he was implying.  Why, when they obviously still loved each other, were he and Toma not together?

Sighing, Yamapi hung his head.  "It's complicated."

"Maybe because you're making it complicated."  Ryo stood up, but didn't leave.  Yamapi could practically feel him looking down at him.  It made him wonder just how much Ryo knew, just how much Toma had told him while they were working together.  Suddenly, an irrational jealousy of the time Toma and Ryo spent together swept through him. 

When Yamapi didn't reply, Ryo blew out an annoyed breath and started to walk away.  Maybe, Yamapi realised, Toma hadn't needed to tell Ryo anything.  Maybe Ryo just knew Yamapi well enough to...

"Ryo!"

Ryo stopped; turning, he gave Yamapi a questioning look.

"Tell Toma..."  Tell Toma what?  I miss you with every fibre of my being?  I've been an idiot, please take me back?

Before he could finish the sentence, Ryo shook his head resolutely.  "No, Pi," he said sternly, "if you've got anything to say to Toma, you do it yourself." 

Fair enough.  Understanding, Yamapi nodded, then smiled.  "I saw your drama last night."

Ryo's expression softened, something close to sympathy settling across his face.  "Yeah?"

It hurt to say it, but he did anyway.  "It's good, Ryo.  Really good."  As he knew it would be, the first time he read the script.

With a self-consciousness that people who didn't know Ryo as well as Yamapi did might never suspect, Ryo grinned and shrugged.  "Toma's a good lead," he said humbly.  Watching the pain fly across Yamapi's face, Ryo retread his steps and sat down beside Yamapi again.  "No, damn it.  I said I wouldn't butt in, but I have to know.  Why are you OK with me taking over your role, but you can't forgive Toma?"

You didn't promise me that you'd quit Johnny's with me, Yamapi thought.  He shook his head.  "It's..."

"Complicated, yeah, you said that." 

Fortunately, for Yamapi's sake, that was the moment when the assistant stage manager appeared in the doorway and announced that the show was about to start, so would the music acts please get ready to make their entry.  With a look that promised that they weren't done talking about this, Ryo stood.  Yamapi followed his lead and with the other four in tow, they made their way to the stage.

"It's NEWS!" Tamori-san announced them, hiding behind his trademark sunglasses.  After the six had sat down on the benches beside their host, Tamori turned to Ryo, who was sitting closest to him.  "We've already had a chance to hear your song last night on your drama."

"That's right," Ryo grinned.  "Did you watch it, Tamori-san?"

Tamori-san sputtered for a moment.  "Of course I did, Nishikido-kun!  I have to know my guests.  You're not going to start whacking people again, are you?"

Ryo waved his hand back and forth emphatically, his familiar annoyed face appearing.  "I'm a very gentle person!"

On cue, the other five members started protesting loudly.  It was a routine Yamapi had performed so many times he could do it in his sleep.

"And you, Yamashita, you've got a new drama coming out as well?"

"That's right.  It starts on April 26th..."  Blah blah blah, more banter.  Yamapi wasn't even listening anymore.  He'd promoted Ryo's drama; he'd promoted his own.  What more could they want from him? He quickly fell back to earth from whatever planet he'd zoned out to when he heard the name Ikuta Toma, followed by girls screaming their heads off.

What?  Was he here?  Had Tamori just announced him?

"I didn't know, Pi," Ryo whispered frantically into Yamapi's ear.  "I didn't know.  I swear to god, I didn't know." 

So he was here?  From the sound of the screaming girls he was.  What the fuck was going on?

It was too late to panic.  Fuck!  There he was!  Grinning and walking towards them and looking far more gorgeous than should be allowed.  Shit!  Did those jeans have to be that tight?

"Surprise," Tamori said, smiling evilly.  "We thought we'd invite your co-star, Nishikido.  Get him to spill some dirt on you."

Breathe, Yamashita, Yamapi kept telling himself, as Toma, still grinning that irresistible grin of his, kept nearing.  He knew none of what he was feeling could be read in his face; he was too much of a professional for that.  It was a good thing too, because his mind was going in circles without any actual thought making it through.

"Good to see you, Ikuta," Tamori said, when Toma had reached them.  Damn, but he was looking good.  That skin.  Nobody had skin like that; it almost seemed to glow.  Wait!  What had Tamori just said?  Had he told Toma to sit between Ryo and Yamapi?  Shit, no way!

Toma's smile wavered for a second, but then he nodded at Tamori.  He was coming closer.  Fuck!

"Yamashita," he said quietly, nodding at Yamapi.  He raised his eyebrow when Yamapi just stared back.  What? 

He suddenly noticed that Koyama, who was sitting on Yamapi's other side, had scooted a little further along the bench to make room for Toma.  Oh, right!  With a nod at Toma, Yamapi scooted along the bench as well.  And then Toma sat down beside him.

There was some conversation taking place between Tamori, Ryo and Toma, but Yamapi never actually heard the words.  The only way he could tell that it must be funny was by the laughter from the audience.  He couldn't pay attention to the actual conversation; he was too busy savouring Toma's warmth, drinking in his scent.  His scent!  God, how he'd missed that unique, intoxicating scent.  This was another instant where his zoning out quality came in handy; he could zone out everything except Toma here beside him.

"NEWS, please stand by for your song."

Oh, fuck!  Not yet, he wanted to yell.  He wanted to sit beside Toma for just a little longer.  Who knew when he'd get this chance again? 

A quick, one second there then it was gone caress all along the outside of Yamapi's thigh made his head snap towards Toma, but Toma wasn't even looking his way.  For all appearances he was listening intently to something Tamori-san was saying.  Had that even happened or had Yamapi imagined it?  Just how far gone was he?

With a tight smile, he rose from the bench along with the rest of his band.  Glancing quickly in Toma's direction, he fancied he saw a similar look of regret fly across his face.  No, he told himself firmly, it was definitely his imagination.  He'd blown it with Toma.  It was his own fault.  He'd made his bed and Toma had moved on.

They positioned themselves on the stage for their song.  The routine started with Ryo and Yamapi back to back for the intro, a harmonised slow beginning to the song with the tempo picking up once the other four voices joined in.  Yamapi was so hyperaware of Toma's eyes on him that his nerves got the better of him; his singing was ridiculously out of tune.  Fortunately he had Ryo's supporting vocals to fall back on or it would have been a complete disaster.

What the fuck was this?  He'd never been this nervous around Toma, quite the opposite in fact.  Toma was the one he could always completely relax with, the one who knew him through and through, and who he never had to hide from.  Maybe, he realised, as he went through the routine on automatic pilot, that was the whole problem.  Toma could see right through him.  He couldn't fake anything with Toma, not even a stupid dance and song routine.

It was a miracle he got through the whole song in one piece and the only way he managed to accomplish that was by ignoring Toma's presence completely.  Something he regretted the moment the song was finished and he turned back to where he'd last seen Toma.  He was no longer there.  Even behind stage, after the show, there was no sign of him.  Yamapi told himself that he wasn't looking for him, but even Ryo could see that he was.  Rolling his eyes, he hit Yamapi upside the head.  Yamapi glared half-heartedly.

"You've reached new levels of stupidity," Ryo said.  Though the words were harsh, they were spoken in a not uncompassionate mix of impatience and sympathy.  "Fuck, but you are one stubborn son of a bitch!"

***

Temporary insanity, that's what Yamapi decided it was.  He'd spent half his life in Toma's close proximity; these last few months away from him had made his immune levels drop, that was all.  He was no longer resistant to the intensity of Toma's nearness.  That was the sole reason he'd reacted so violently; he couldn't think clearly around Toma.  And wasn't that precisely why he'd left him in the first place?  To get some clarity back into his life?  To figure out what he wanted?  And this was proof positive that he needed it, that they needed the time apart. 

Right.  That sorted out in his head, he could get back to his regular life.  Drama acting with Jin in the daytime.  Occasional appearance on some music show to promote NEWS' new single in the evening.  Party with Marco until deep into the night and then go back to Marco's place to fuck him.  Start the whole routine up again in the morning.  See?  No time to think.  That was a good thing.

Today was no different.  As soon as the director called the last "cut!" for the day, Jin turned to Yamapi.  "Doing anything tonight?"

"Other than getting wasted?" Yamapi returned the question cheekily.

Jin grinned.  "That's the spirit.  There's this new club that I've been dying to check out."

"I'm your man."  On their way to the dressing room, Yamapi pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.  He'd got into trouble with the director on more than one occasion when it went off in the middle of a scene, but being parted from his cell phone felt like losing a limb.  "Just let me get word to Marco so he knows where to meet us."

Jin's long-suffering sigh told him the score even before he looked up into his face.  "Oh, come on, Pi!" he said, when he saw the annoyance on Yamapi's face. "I can't pretend I like him, just because you're..."  He mercifully lowered his voice to a whisper before he continued.  "...screwing him."

Yamapi wasn't impressed.  "You could try," he said, smirking, "for my sake.  As your best friend and all."

"I've tried!" Jin burst out.  "God knows I've tried.  The guy is a shallow waste of space!  And coming from me, that's saying something!"

That, he had to admit, was actually funny.  "I didn't give you this much grief when you started dating Kame," Yamapi said, knowing he was setting himself up the moment the words left his mouth.

Halting in his tracks, Jin looked like he didn't know which emotion he should acknowledge first.  Outrage, from the way his eyes widened and his nostrils flared.  Derision, finding form in the snort that went from his throat all the way out of his nose.  Or downright hysteria, judging by the way he was trying not to choke on his laughter.  "You had better be kidding me, Pi!"

Yamapi held onto his stern expression for one more extra second and then let his smile break through.  "Actually, I am."

"Idiot!" Jin scolded with amused affection, but then his expression turned serious.  "Look, Pi, if you want him to come, invite him over.  I don't mind, really.  He's an irritating little shit, but by that definition, I shouldn't be hanging around with you either."

Yamapi rolled his eyes.  "Just give me the address.  He might have other plans and decide not to show up anyway."

"Oh," Jin grinned, "and unreliable too!  I forgot about that shining quality of his."

By that time they'd reached Jin's dressing room.  After getting the address from him, Yamapi playfully pushed Jin through the door.  "I'll see you tonight," he said in parting.

"See you, Pi!"

He spent the entire train ride home trying to get a hold of Marco, unsuccessfully.  In the end he sent him a text message with the address Jin had given him.  Whether he showed up or not didn't matter that much to Yamapi.  It had been a while since it was just him and Jin on the town.  It would be fun, either way.

"Tadaima," he called, walking into the house, picking up P-chan who'd immediately come running to meet him. 

"Okaeri," his mum called back from somewhere in the house.

With P-chan under his arm, he picked up his mail; his mum always left it out for him in the hallway.  He was opening envelopes even as he toed off his shoes.  Oh, this was interesting!  An invitation to Tsubasa's new play!  Yamashita Tomohisa, the invitation read, plus one.  He smiled sadly at the phrasing. 

He had one foot on the first step of the stairs, when a voice called from the kitchen.  "Niichan!"

Oh, great!  He loved his grandma dearly, but he knew that tone of voice.  That was her you and I need to have a serious talk, young man voice.  Resigning himself to the inevitable, he took a deep breath, put P-chan back on his feet and followed the small dog as it ran into the kitchen.  He found his grandma sitting at the table, scraping carrots for what was sure to become a delicious curry.

"Tadaima," he said again, as he leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"Okaeri."  His suave gesture apparently failed to make an impression on her, her expression set determinedly. "Sit down, Niichan," she commanded forcefully.  "Help me with these vegetables."

"Actually I was about to go ou..."  He stopped talking when she shot him that look and dutifully sat down.  For the next five minutes they sat there together, cleaning vegetables in silence.  Just when Yamapi was starting to wonder if he'd misread the situation and she only wanted help with the vegetables after all, she spoke.

"We don't see Toma-kun around anymore."

Oh, yeah, his grandma wasn't known for pulling her punches.  Yamapi winced.  "We've been doing our separate thing, lately."  There, that was enough explanation. His grandma looked up from her work just long enough to fix him with a hard stare.  Oh-kay.  Maybe that wasn't enough explanation after all. 

"You two were always so close," his grandma continued, as if she wasn't aware that every word was like a dagger to Yamapi's heart.  "You even brought him on family outings!"  She smiled at the memory; Yamapi couldn't help doing the same.  "I remember the first time I met him.  The bouncy kid with the big grin and giant front teeth."  Her description made Yamapi grin.  "What's that interloper doing on our family trips, I thought.  But then I saw the way he dragged you into things that you would never have got into on your own and started thinking: 'That's what our Tomohisa needs.  Someone who will draw him out of his shell.'  And I understood why you brought him.  Because you needed him.'"

"Gran..." he almost begged her to stop, but she was merciless.

"Such an amazing friendship.  It seems like such a waste to let it slip away."

He had to make her stop talking.  Maybe if he shocked her into it.  "We weren't friends," he said harshly.  "We were fucking!"

Her hand hit him square across the jaw.  He touched his cheek as he gazed at her, tears springing from his eyes that had only tangentially to do with the sting across his cheek.  He deserved it all right.  She'd just never hit him before. 

"Do you think I'm stupid?"  Her voice was as hard as her slap had been.  "Do you think I don't know that?"

Utterly speechless, he stared at her.  "Then... ," he finally managed to stutter, "why?"  Recovering himself, he bowed deeply.  "I'm so sorry."

She made an impatient sound that made him straighten and look up at her again.  "It's not what I wanted for you, Niichan, but that's life.  You don't always get to choose.  And as long as you were happy..."  She sighed, somehow suggesting that he wasn't right now.  Well, he wasn't unhappy.

"But I thought you'd made a commitment to Toma-kun," she continued, without waiting for his reply.  "You can't just walk out on a commitment when it suits you.  You think there haven't been times when I had enough of your grandfather?  Plenty, let me tell you."  He couldn't help smiling at the way she rolled her eyes.  "Giving up the minute things get rough?  That is your father's solution.  Running off and burning his bridges behind him."

Now, that comparison was uncalled for.  Suddenly incensed, Yamapi straightened his shoulders.  "I'm so sick of everyone assuming that it's my fault!  Toma is like a saint around here!  It doesn't seem to occur to any of you that he might have been the one who hurt me."

If his tirade surprised her, his grandma didn't show it.  She just smiled sagely.  "Forgiveness is the way to the gods, Niichan."

Closing his eyes, he smiled.  He might have known she'd have an answer ready for him.  When he opened them again, he found her watching him intently.  "Maybe I'm not ready to forgive him yet."

Smiling, she patted his hand gently.  "That is your prerogative."

Sensing the lecture had come to a close, he pointed towards the door.  "Can I...?"

"Yes," she said, with a final roll of her eyes.  As he rose from his chair, she suddenly grabbed his wrist, holding him back.  He looked at her hand around his wrist with a frown.  "Why can't you admit that you miss him?" she asked, her voice soft and gentle.

He swallowed hard.  "Because it still hurts too much."

"What is going on here?"  They both jumped when Yamapi's mum walked into the room.  "Mum?" she said, frowing at Yamapi's gran.

While Yamapi's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out, his grandma recovered first.  Letting go of Yamapi's wrist, she looked at her daughter innocently.  "Just having a heart to heart with my grandson."  Without waiting for his mum's reaction, his gran waved her hand at him with a shooing gesture.  "Go, off with you!  Don't you have plans with that stupid Akanishi boy?"

How in the hell did she know that?  Shaking his head, he made his escape out of the kitchen while he had the chance.

All the while he was showering and getting dressed, the conversation played through his head.  Leaving the house and riding the train - no taking the car when he planned to drink himself into a stupor; he could fall asleep on the train - the thought was still running through his head.  His gran did have a point.  It was healthier for both of them, but most specifically for Yamapi himself, if he could find a way to forgive Toma.  Maybe, they might even find their way back together.

He shook his head and told himself not to get ahead of himself.

Jin was waiting at the bar and grinned when he saw Yamapi walk towards him.  He had a beer in one hand and from the glazed look in his eyes, it wasn't his first.  "Yay!" he cheered, "no annoying boyfriend!"

Ready for a little payback, Yamapi nodded.  "Yeah, Kame's not here, is he?"

Jin hit him upside the head.  "Not funny!  And no, he's not.  Has filming in the early morning."  He waved his hand around.  "As if I don't!"

"Yeah, but you hold your liquor so well," Yamapi said, smirking.

While Jin made some vague protesting sound, Yamapi looked around the place.  Trendy decor, loud music and the usual famous faces needed to make a club a hit.  They were off to a good start.  He held up his hand to signal the bartender. 

Three beers later, Jin suddenly groaned.  "Oh, fuck!  And I was having such a good time, too."

Yamapi turned in the direction Jin was looking and saw it too.  His "posse" around him, Marco was approaching them.  Really, he was an arrogant little sod, wasn't he?  Strutting about as if every eye on the place was turned towards him, his model friends gushing over him like he was some kind of ...  Wait!  Were his eyes deceiving him?  Was that...?

"Oh, hell, no!" Yamapi said, marching towards them.  This was absolutely not on!

"Finally," Jin cheered, keeping up with him.  "Dump his ass!"

Yamapi shot him an annoyed glare, completely bypassed Marco - to Jin's disappointment - and zeroed in on the tall girl trying to hide in the back.  "Rina?  What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She pulled herself up to her full height.  "Having a drink with my mates!  What does it look like I'm doing?" 

Oh, great!  From her slurred speech, she'd had quite a few already.  Furious, he turned to Marco.  "What are you doing?" 

"Oh, Rina?"  Marco grinned.  "Her shoot finished just as mine did.  I thought she could come party with us."

"That's my little sister!"

"So?" Marco asked with a frown.  He turned to Rina.  "You're of age, aren't you, sweetheart?"

"Yes," she said emphatically, glaring at Yamapi.

"What part of 'she's my little sister' didn't you understand?"

"Dump his ass," Jin whispered in Yamapi's ear.  Yamapi swatted him away like he would an annoying fly.

"Oh, this is just typical."  Rina blew out an annoyed breath.  "It's OK for you to get wasted, but not for me?"

Yamapi pulled a face, some of his righteous indignation fading.  "Well... yes!"

"Why?" she demanded.

"Because you're my little sister!"

"God, if you say that one more time," she said with an annoyed flick of her hair.  "For once I'd love not to be Yamapi's little sister."  Smiling sweetly, she draped her arms around Marco's neck.  "Don't pay any attention to my grumpy brother," she cooed drunkenly.  "Didn't you promise me one of those fancy cocktails with an umbrella?"

Yamapi huffed.  Only yesterday she'd given him an earful about how much she disliked Marco, and wasn't it about time he crawled back to Toma and begged his forgiveness.  Guess her dislike meant nothing if it meant free booze.  He stared meaningfully at Marco.

Marco grinned back.  "That, I did.  Bartender!"

OK, that was enough!  Peeling Rina's arms off Marco, Yamapi grabbed her wrist.  "That's it!  I'm taking you home."  He glared at Marco, who gave him an innocent shrug.  "I'll talk to you later."

"But Niicha..."  She interrupted her own whine with a facial spasm.  "Oooh," she said, "I don't feel so good."

"And you're going to feel even worse in the morning," he assured her, steering her towards the club's exit.  What had Marco been thinking?  Suddenly, he had to know.  Leaving Rina in the ... uh, capable hands of Jin, he turned back on his step.  "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I just wanted your sister to like me." 

"So you got her drunk?" Yamapi asked incredulously.

Marco threw him a charming smile.  "Always works with you."  Before Yamapi could come up with a clever comeback, Marco's hand was on the nape of Yamapi's neck and pulling him into a kiss.  What?  Did he really think he could get through Yamapi's defences that easily?

His resistance lasted all of two seconds and then he melted into the kiss like Marco knew he would.  There was no need to be careful with Marco because Marco just didn't care if they got caught.  Hell, he probably was hoping that some scandal press photographer was lurking around the corner, so the whole nation would know that he was the one doing Yamapi.  It didn't matter what his motives were; it always made Yamapi hot as hell.

When Yamapi pulled back from the kiss, Marco was smiling at him smugly.  Yamapi really should know better and yet, he fell for it every single time.  "I'm taking Rina home.  Will you be...?"

Marco nodded.  "Yeah.  Drop by my place later."

Yamapi leaned in for another kiss.  Just when he was about to turn and leave, a thought struck him.  "Hey, want to go to a theatre premiere with me?"

When he joined Rina and Jin, the latter hit him upside the head.  "Congratulations.  You are now officially dumber than me."

***

"Yamapi!"

Normally, Yamapi wouldn't pay attention to someone calling his name in the middle of the street, but there was something familiar about this voice that made him turn around.  His mouth fell open when he recognised who it was.  "Jimmy?"  They'd reached each other in a couple of steps and hugged enthusiastically.  "When did you get back in Japan?"

"Just last night," Jimmy said.  "And I'm fantastically jetlagged."

"We have to go out for a drink some time, catch up."

Jimmy grinned.  "Now works out fine for me.  Unless you're busy."

He wasn't.  Evening was falling as they sat together at the bar of one of Yamapi's favourite hangouts, beer at the ready.  "So you're back."

"Just for a little while," Jimmy said, "visiting family.  Then it's back to college."

"You look good," Yamapi noted.  "America agrees with you."  He sighed.  "Maybe I should spend a year in America."  He thought of Kusano.  "Everyone I know comes back so much cooler."

"Hey," Jimmy objected, laughing.  "I was way cool before I left!"

Yamapi smirked and took a gulp from his beer.  "You were a dork!"  He grinned.  "Then again, all of us Juniors were."

"You're not a Junior anymore.  What's your excuse now?"  Jimmy laughed when Yamapi stuck out his tongue at him.  "Besides, you can't go to America for a year!  Toma would go crazy!"

What?  Panic sweeping through him, Yamapi froze, his hand closed around his beer in sudden realisation.  Fuck!  Jimmy didn't know!

"Speaking of Toma," Jimmy continued, oblivious, it seemed, to the cold panic that must be visible on Yamapi's face, "how's that living together thing working out for you two?"

His mind had gone blank.  Yamapi just stared at Jimmy, unable to speak.

Interpreting Yamapi's reaction his own way, Jimmy's expression changed to sudden alarm.  "Oh, shit, I didn't ruin the surprise, did I?"  His next words came out rushed.  "Toma said he was going to spring it on you for Valentine's!"

OK, Yamashita, show your best acting skills!  Yamapi smiled.  "Maybe he's saving it for my birthday."

"Oh, shit!"  Jimmy looked devastated.  "I did ruin it!  Toma's going to kill me!"

Just how long had it been since Jimmy had talked to Toma?  How could he not know that Yamapi and Toma had split up?  "Don't worry," he said.  "I can keep a secret."

Jimmy pulled a pained face.  "Meaning that I can't.  Shit!"  Looking miserable, he gulped down his beer.

"Not at all," Yamapi assured, waving his hand back and forth.  "But you said A.  You might as well say B now."

Jimmy gave him a dubious look, but then sighed.  "I suppose I might.  Toma told me that he was getting sick of your tiny rendezvous place.  He was looking out for a place you could move in together.  Move in for real."

Shit!  What?  Yamapi felt like he couldn't breathe.  His heart was beating its way out of his chest.  "And?" he asked breathlessly.

"Well, you know this stupid country's policy on gay couples!  The only way he could get a lease was if he did it in his own name and that's exactly what he didn't want.  He wanted the place to belong to you both."

This wasn't happening.  It couldn't be.  Too stunned to get a word out, Yamapi simply nodded. 

"So that's when he started thinking about buying a place.  He told me that he found the perfect place.  It was touch and go for a bit to get all the finances together - he even got his parents to help out - but yeah, he got you a place together."  Jimmy smacked himself in the forehead.  "And I'm a jerk who can't keep his mouth shut!"

Fuck!  He wasn't going to cry.  He wasn't. 

"Pi?"  Jimmy's voice turned worried when the tears started to appear in Yamapi's eyes.  "It's a good thing, right?"

It might have been.  If Yamapi weren't the biggest idiot on the face of the planet.  He shook his head, wiped the tears away impatiently.  "Toma and I broke up months ago," he finally confessed.

Jimmy stared at him.  "But..." he stammered, "but...  how's that even possible?  You're Toma and Yamapi!  Why didn't Toma tell me?"

Unable to answer that question, Yamapi shook his head and focussed on the more pressing matter.  "How can he even afford to buy a place?"

"He said it was lucky that he was getting one acting job after another or he might not be able to afford the down-payments.  He's still getting help from his parents as it is."

And that's when the full impact hit him.  Shocked, he stared at Jimmy.  "That's why he couldn't quit Johnny's," he realised in a small voice.  "He needed the money."

"Quit Johnny's?" Jimmy asked, looking flabbergasted.

Money to buy a house for the both of them.  And Yamapi'd had the nerve to question the depth of Toma's commitment to him?  He felt like a complete worm.

It was like something lit him from below.  Jumping from his barstool, he stared at Jimmy.  "We'll have to continue this some other time," he said, the urgency coming through in his voice.  "I need to..."  He faltered.  He needed to do what?  Beg forgiveness from Toma? 

Jimmy waved his hand back and forth.  "No, don't worry about me, go and do what you have to do.  I'm just annoyed with myself for ruining an enjoyable evening."  He grinned sheepishly.  "Can I blame it on the jetlag?"

Before he left, Yamapi had one more favour to ask.  "Please don't tell Toma what you told me."

Jimmy nodded emphatically.  "I won't.  And this time I'll keep that secret."

It was only when he was on the train that doubts were starting to set in.  What are you doing, Yamashita?  You can't just show up, tell Toma you're an idiot and expect everything to be OK.  That's not how this works.  You doubted him.  You were the one who couldn't forgive him for betraying you.  And you think he's just going to forgive you like that, because you ask him to?

His courage abandoned him, but not the need for Toma.  That still screamed through him.  He needed Toma, god, he needed to feel him, taste him, it was burning him up from the inside.  At the next stop he jumped off and changed trains, this time to the Shinjuki ni-chome district, going straight for his favourite pick-up joint. 

His eyes scanned the gyrating mass of sweaty bodies; he knew exactly what he was looking for.  No, not that one, he was too short.  That one was too coarse.  He needed...  ah, there it was.  Narrow hips and a tight butt, thick luscious dark hair, colourful T-shirt, skinny jeans.

He couldn't have Toma, but maybe...  Yamapi had never done this; had always quite deliberately gone for the exact opposite type.  That was the whole reason he was with Marco; there was never any danger he would pretend it was Toma. Tonight, though,…

The guy turned towards Yamapi while dancing.  Oh, yeah, his face was perfect as well.  His nose was perhaps a little too ordinary, but his mouth, oh, yes, a lovely set of beautiful, lush lips.  Yamapi zeroed in on him.

Within minutes Yamapi was dancing close to him, deliberately invading his personal space.  The guy gave him a startled look, but then turned it into a flirty smile.  Yamapi leaned in to whisper in the guy's ear; he had to if he wanted to be heard over the loud music.  "Hi, I'm.."

"Fuck, I know who you are!" the guy said, without letting Yamapi finish.  He hadn't been planning to tell him his name.  "I had no idea you were into..."

"Can I buy you a drink?" Yamapi interrupted him before he could get the words out.  The guy's voice was perhaps an octave too high for Yamapi's taste.  Maybe if he kept his mouth shut, at least to speak, this might still work.

The guy gave him a curious look, but then nodded.  They both knew that drinks wasn't what Yamapi was after.  Ten minutes later they were in one of the dark backrooms, Yamapi leaning against the wall with Dai, as he'd learned the guy's name was, on his knees in front of him.  His fingers were clutching at Dai's hair as he fucked that pretty mouth.  Everything was exactly right.  And yet, there was nothing.  He wasn't getting off.  He couldn't pretend.  Toma wasn't this sloppy.  Toma did that swirly thing with his tongue that this guy had apparently never even heard of.  Toma was...  not this guy!

With a frustrated groan, Yamapi yanked at Dai's hair and pulled him off him.  "On your feet," he commanded.  The guy looked up at him, a dazed look on his face, but then did what he was told.  "Face the wall." 

Oh, fuck, yes, this was better.  From the back, he could almost be mistaken for Toma.  His dick was finally starting to get into it as well.  As Yamapi reached around Dai and unbuttoned his jeans, pulling it down his butt - no underwear, he noted with amusement - his dick gave another twitch with happiness.  Dai's ass was perfect, pale and the right shape and size.  He couldn't resist running a hand across it, happy to note the contented little moan coming from Dai.

"Can I...?" he breathed into Dai's ear.  Plastered against him like this, he didn't know what he'd do if Dai said no. 

"Fuck, yes," Dai panted, "do it already."

That was all he needed to hear.  Fidgeting in his pocket, he dug up the condom he knew was in there.  He'd come prepared; he'd come here with one goal and one alone in mind.  Tearing the packet open with his teeth, he rolled the condom on his now pulsing with anticipation cock.  Fuck.  Where did he put the lube?

"Spit will do," Dai said, as if he'd read his mind.

OK, if the boy said it was OK.  Yamapi wet his fingers in his mouth and used the slickness to open Dai up.  They both groaned as Yamapi entered him; he wanted to fuck that tight ass until every thought leaked out of his brain.  Bunching up Dai's shirt, he licked his way across that pale skin, biting it a few times just to stop himself from moaning Toma's name.  He didn't, but his mind was a uninterrupted string of Toma, Toma, Toma until he came, his teeth sunk in the pale shoulder that he could imagine, for just a split second, was Toma's.

***

The murmurs among the audience when Yamapi made his way to his seat was something that he was quite used to, but he couldn't help chuckling when he saw the consternation on Marco's face.  This was the first time he was Yamapi's official companion to an event; the whole thing seemed to make much more of an impression than the lusting-for-fame Marco might have thought it would.

As soon as he sat down, his smile died.  Yamapi gasped, his hand involuntarily clenching around the arm rest.  There was no way on earth that he could ever mistake the slender figure sliding into the row of seats two rows ahead of Yamapi. 

Of course it wasn't that surprising that Toma had been invited as well.  After all, he was much closer to Tsubasa than Yamapi was.  Why wouldn't he be here? 

Yamapi tried not to growl when he saw who Toma's date was.  Ai-chan again?  Why couldn't he have brought Matsujun or Shun?  Was he so desperate to prove his heterosexuality?  Or was there perhaps really something going on between those two? 

Just as Yamapi wondered how Toma would react when he saw him, Toma had reached his seat and threw a cursory, smiling look around him before he sat down.  The smile disappeared from his face when his eye caught Yamapi's; Yamapi's breath caught in his throat.

Then, slowly, the smile returned to Toma's face, along with a warmth in his eyes that made something lodge itself in Yamapi's throat.  There was still so much affection in Toma's expression, an affection he wasn't sure he still deserved.  God, what had he done? 

Yamapi jumped when he felt a hand on his.  He almost snatched his hand away, but it was too late.  Toma had caught Marco's possessive move.  Something flickered in his expression, but the warmth never wavered.  With more civility than Yamapi would ever be able to display, he first nodded at Yamapi, then at Marco.  Surely he must have heard the whispers through the grapevine about his relationship with Marco.  It killed Yamapi to think about it.

Ai-chan, in the meantime, had seen them too.  She nodded at them both.  At least he could be as civil as Toma, Yamapi thought, as he nodded back, and Toma and Ai-chan took their seats.  The lights went out;  the curtain rose.  The play was about to start, but not for Yamapi.  His attention was completely focussed on the back of Toma's head.  Ai-chan leaned closer to whisper something in Toma's ear.  Bitch, Yamapi thought, pouting and not even feeling guilty for thinking it.  Toma was his, dammit, his.

Except he wasn't, not anymore.  And it was all his fault.  If only there was some way he could make it up to Toma.  Obviously Toma still cared about him; Yamapi had seen it in his warm smile.  Maybe, if he groveled enough, Toma might forgive him.

Two rows ahead of him, Toma reached up a hand and touched the back of his head.  Yamapi grinned.  Could he feel Yamapi's stare?  Did he know what Yamapi was thinking?  Was he as distracted from the play as Yamapi was, knowing that Yamapi was sitting here just two rows away from him?

"Just what the hell is between you and him?" Marco suddenly hissed in his ear.

Yamapi smiled dopily, thought about lying for just a second, but then opted for the simple truth.  "I love him."  Always had and always would.  It was such a revelation, that Yamapi couldn't wipe the grin from his face, not even when he could feel Marco glaring at him in the darkness.

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

Again Yamapi grinned.  Yeah, he supposed he was.  He'd used Marco, but then again, it wasn't as if Marco hadn't known that from the start.  Furthermore, Marco had used him too, to further his career, so what the hell was he complaining about?

"What are you smirking about?" Marco whispered into his ear.

"I'm not smirking," he whispered back.  Marco huffed in derision, but really, he wasn't.  He was smiling.  For the first time in months he felt happy.  And it was just because Toma was close by.  That was all he needed, he suddenly realised.  All he needed to be happy was be with Toma.  In or out of Johnny's clutches, none of it mattered.  He just wanted to be with Toma.  That he had to lose Toma to learn that lesson seemed particularly cruel, but maybe, it wasn't too late…

The play was actually quite good once he started paying attention.  As always, Tsubasa gave a passionate, engrossing performance.  Nevertheless Yamapi's attention wandered on quite a few occasions, his gaze drifting towards Toma, a contentment settling deep into his bones every time he did, a smile blossoming on his lips that he didn't even attempt to hide.

Finally, the curtain fell on the first act and the houselights came on.  Almost instantly, Toma turned in his seat.

"You are having a drink with us, aren't you?" he asked.  Yamapi thought his heart might burst.  The eagerness with which Toma had turned to ask that question was proof that he'd been as preoccupied with Yamapi's presence as Yamapi was with Toma's, had been waiting just as impatiently for the first act to end.

The lady sitting in the row between them listened to Toma, looked behind her with a frown, but then smiled when she saw Yamapi. 

"Of course," he replied, ignoring the glare he knew Marco was directing at him.  All he could see were Toma's eyes, Toma's smile, Toma, Toma, Toma…

His euphoria didn't decrease in the least when the four of them stood together at the bar, quite the contrary in fact.  If the sight of Toma was enough to have his head spinning, the smell of him was driving Yamapi crazy.  It sent his senses reeling.  If he didn’t get to touch Toma soon he was going to go insane…

"Pi!" Marco suddenly said.  Yamapi looked up from his thoughts to find Marco smiling apologetically.  "He does this thing sometimes where he completely zones out."  If that was his attempt to prove to Toma how well he knew Yamapi, he was falling fantastically short. 

Ai-chan smiled, but Toma wasn't smiling anymore.  He was frowning at Yamapi.  Then he mouthed: "'Pi?'"

Oh, god!  Yamapi just wanted to curl up and die on the spot. Yes, ‘Pi’, he wanted to tell Toma.  I don't care what Marco calls me because I don't care about Marco. But it wasn't just the name that got Toma looking so upset, Yamapi knew.  Yamapi hadn't zoned out on Toma in years.  What must Toma be thinking, now that he knew that particular habit had made a reappearance? 

"I was just saying…" Ai-chan said, either unaware of the looks passing between Yamapi and Toma, or sparing them the awkwardness by not acknowledging them.  Yamapi suspected the latter.   "…that it's a lot of fun having Ryo-chan on the set.  He talks about you a lot, Yamashita-kun."

"Does he?"  His eyes seeking Toma's, he wondered if the others could hear the neediness in his voice.  Ryo had told him to sort his affairs out with Toma himself, but he was Ryo after all: a big mouth but a heart of gold.  But that wasn't what had made the hurt creep into his voice.  He didn't want Ryo to talk about him.  He wanted Toma to talk about him.  Toma, who was still giving him that slightly disapproving look.  Wait, no, he was giving Marco that disapproving look.  Was he perhaps jealous of Marco?

In a need to calm his suddenly racing heart, Yamapi drained the last of his glass and looked around at the others.  "Anyone want a refill?"

Ai-chan shook her head, as did Marco.  "Remember, I'm driving," he reminded Yamapi.  The look Toma threw him changed once again, this time into something that Yamapi couldn't read at all.  Damn!  What was going through his head?

"Toma?"  Shit, his voice was shaking!  What was he?  Eighteen again?

Toma smiled and held up his glass.  "Sure, I'll have another."

"White wine, right?"

The smile grew wider.  "You know me too well."

Shit, shit, shit, Yamapi cursed all the way to the bar.  Did Toma have to flirt with him?  That was playing dirty.  As he placed the two glasses on the bar, he noticed his hands were trembling.  Shit, shit, shit.  He had to get Toma alone.  Had to.

His eyes fell on the cocktail napkins on the bar.  A sudden idea striking him, he grabbed one.  "Two white wines," he told the bartender.  "And do you have a pen?"  The bartender reached inside his breast pocket and handed Yamapi a pen.  "Thanks."

He immediately started scribbling on the cocktail napkin.  "Meet me in the men's room when Act 2 starts.  To..."  He crossed out the bit of kanji he'd started writing and wrote "Yamashita" instead.  The bartender brought his drinks and he handed back the pen.

"Here you go," he told Toma, handing him his glass.  Standing this close to him, Yamapi soaked in his wonderful scent and pushed the napkin into the pocket of Toma's jacket.  To hell with being careful.  He'd stopped caring about being caught, which was a good thing, because Marco did catch him and glared daggers at him.  Toma too gave him a narrow-eyed look and then frowned down at his pocket. 

Yeah, yeah, so he wasn't going to win any awards for subtlety.  Taking a generous gulp from his drink, he realised that he just didn't care. 

They returned to their small talk.  Of course they watched Toma and Ai-chan's drama.  And how was the filming going on Yamapi's drama?  Wonderfully!  Jin was such a hoot!  By the time the bell rang indicating the start of the second act, Yamapi breathed out a sigh.  Relief was immediately followed by a feeling of anxiety.  Would Toma do as Yamapi had bid?  As far as Yamapi could tell Toma hadn't even read the note yet.  What if he just didn't care?

They returned to their seats, the lights went out, the curtain went up and...

Nothing.  Toma remained in his seat, continued to enjoy the show.

So that was it.  Yamapi sank into his seat, while his heart sank with resignation.  It was truly over between them.  Toma didn't care. 

Wait!  Was he...?  Fuck, hell, yes, he was!  Slowly rising from his chair, Toma mumbled soft apologies as he made his way out of his row of seats and disappeared out of the door.  Yamapi watched him leave, biting his knuckle until there were teeth marks.  He waited just a few moments and then rose from his chair as well.

"I hate you," Marco muttered as Yamapi passed him, but Yamapi was too happy to care.  Grinning broadly, he pouted a kiss at Marco.

He felt positively giddy as he made his way to the men's room.  His heart was beating wildly in his chest as he opened the door and found Toma waiting for him.  He had his back to Yamapi, but he immediately turned and fixed Yamapi with an uncertain, questioning look. 

Now what?  He had Toma here, listening.  What could he say?  He'd never been good with words, had always let his actions speak for him.  Maybe now too he could... 

Toma was still fixing him to the spot with the look in his eyes.  He too had not yet uttered a word, a much stranger thing in Toma than in Yamapi.  Toma was the one who started babbling when he was nervous.  Maybe, to Toma, there was nothing to be nervous about.  Maybe this was all just closure for Toma...

Making up his mind, Yamapi turned around, found that the door couldn't be locked, cursed, saw the trashcan and pulled it in front of the door.  Right.  No matter what happened between them, at least they wouldn't be interrupted.  That done, he turned back to Toma, who was giving him an even more confused look.

"What?" Toma started, but he stopped talking, his eyes growing wide in surprise when Yamapi walked towards him resolutely.

And then Yamapi was standing right in front of him and every doubt, every worry about what he was going to say, vanished without a trace.  He knew what he was going to do, knew what he wanted to do.  Without even a hint of hesitation he leaned in and kissed Toma.

For a moment it was just their lips smooshed together, no reaction from Toma, save for a startled gasp.  What if he pushed Yamapi away?  It would break his heart in two, but at least he would have given it a try. 

It felt like an eternity, waiting for Toma's reaction, thoughts racing through his head, begging, begging, Toma, please, please forgive me, and then his heart leaped, his spirits soared, because there was suddenly a hand at the small of his back pulling him close, and Toma opened his mouth, pushed his tongue into Yamapi's mouth and they were kissing, kissing like they couldn't get enough of each other.

"Tomo, Tomo," Toma kept saying between kisses, in that "we shouldn't be doing this" tone, but he kept coming back for more, so Yamapi kept giving him more.  It seemed as if every kiss grew ever more heated.  Yamapi's fingers were already on the buttons of Toma's shirt, flicking them open impatiently to get to the prize beneath.  As his palms found smooth skin, they both groaned, but their kiss never stopped.

This was insane, this was madness.  They were in a public place, for fuck's sake.  So most of the theatre patrons were out in the auditorium enjoying the play and Yamapi had put a trashcan in front of the door, but someone could still walk in on them at any moment.  Maybe that was what made it even more thrilling, made the blood pound through Yamapi's veins, made him harder than he thought possible.  Before he knew what he was doing, he'd already pushed Toma up against the wall and was on his knees, his hands fumbling with Toma's belt, unzipping his pants - no jeans for a change - pulled them down, along with his underwear and god, yes, that's what he'd craved.

He took just a second to look up at Toma.  Still in his jacket, his shirt open, he looked gorgeous and hot, his head thrown back against the wall, his breathing ragged and out of control.  Toma could still stop him, but he didn't seem to be able to get any words out other than an endless stream of "Tomo, Tomo."  Yamapi slid a hand all along Toma's side, let it settle on those narrow hips and used that grip to steady himself.  His other hand closed around the base of Toma's cock, heavy and hard for Yamapi, and he sank his mouth around it.

Oh, god, yes, that was it.  The taste, so familiar, so like... home almost.  The noises Toma made when Yamapi sucked along the length of Toma's cock, then sank back down, yeah, so good.  But not enough.  He was still leaving Yamapi in control and no matter how good it felt, it wasn't enough.  He let his hand on Toma's hip slide to his backside, teased a finger along Toma's ass.  And oh, yes, that did it.  With a deep groan, Toma's hands sank into Yamapi's hair almost painfully and, control shattered, he fucked Yamapi's mouth. 

Yes, yes, yes, he thought, do it, Toma, take me, punish me.  He fumbled with his own zipper, pulled out his cock and jerked himself hard and fast, in rhythm with Toma fucking his mouth.  Pure heat was racing through his body; it was like being set on fire from the inside.  No thought in his head, except, yes, this is right, this is where I'm supposed to be.  Toma's fingers clenched in Yamapi's hair; he knew what it meant, braced himself for it, jerked himself hard to be there with Toma.  As Toma came in Yamapi's mouth with a guttural groan, Yamapi came over his own hand.

He fell onto his backside, his eyes closed, and tried to catch his breath.  When he opened his eyes, he found that Toma had slid down the wall, his pants still around his knees.  At eye level with Yamapi now, he was staring at him with wide, shocked eyes.  For a long time they just sat there, neither of them speaking, just staring at each other.

A few times Toma opened his mouth, started to say something, but then seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth again.  When he finally did speak, the question he asked took Yamapi completely by surprise. "Are you happy, Yamashita Tomohisa?"

The question made Yamapi suck in a trembling breath. He understood why Toma had called him by his full name. He was recalling the night they broke up, when Yamapi had expressed his desire to be Yamashita Tomohisa.  "No," he confessed, something twisting in his stomach when he saw the surprised confusion on Toma's face.  His voice was barely a whisper when he added: "Not without you."

Toma's expression changed again, this time to sympathy, but before either of them could speak, there was a disturbing rattle at the door that had both of them jumping to their feet and straightening their clothes.

"What the hell?" a male voice on the other side of the door said. 

His heart beating fast, Yamapi looked at Toma and grinned when Toma merely shook his head at him in amused exasperation.  Apart from the glow in his cheeks and vigour in his eyes, Toma almost looked presentable again, his shirt buttoned up and tucked back into his pants.  No one would ever guess that mere minutes ago he'd been standing there with his cock down Yamapi's throat.  It sent a new flush of heat rushing through Yamapi's body.  This, he thought, looking at Toma, was what made his life make sense.  Without it, he'd been sleepwalking through his days.

The pushing at the door continued; the trash can started to slide along the floor.  Suddenly panicked, Yamapi inspected his own appearance.   Pants zipped up, shirt tucked in, no stains mercifully. After a quick wash of his hands, he ran them through his hair; he felt his pulse race out of control when Toma tucked the collar of his shirt back into his jacket.  He held his breath when Toma's fingers lingered a little longer than necessary at the back of Yamapi's neck.  Their eyes caught in the mirror. 

They didn't need words, Yamapi suddenly thought, held by the look in Toma's eyes.  But then the trash can finally gave way and the door was shoved all the way open, effectively sending him crashing back to reality.  Oh, hell!  How were they going to explain this?

A man in the theatre's uniform and looking somewhere in his forties, came into the men's room. 

"Uh…"  That was as far as Yamapi got, surprised out of his attempt at explanation when the man's frown turned into a grin of comprehension at the sight of Toma and Yamapi.

"You two had better get out there," he said, trying clearly not to laugh.  "Imai-san has instructed me to bring you two to his dressing-room after the play and I don't think he'd be pleased to hear that you missed half of it."

Fuck! 

His expression set to resolve, Yamapi walked towards the theatre attendant.  "OK, how much do I need to pay you to keep your mouth shut?"

The man looked genuinely offended for a moment, but then he broke into a smile again.  "Nothing.   You really think this is the worst I've seen?  You should know what goes on in that dressing room when Takizawa-san visits.

"Oh, god, I did not need to know that," Toma groaned with feigned melodrama.

Rolling his eyes, Yamapi gave Toma a push on his back and out of the door.  Fortunately they had the theatre attendant on their side or they would never have been let back into the auditorium again.  He waited a few minutes after Toma had returned to his seat and then as quietly as could be expected in his excited state, Yamapi made his way back to his own. 

Almost as soon as he was seated, his eyes sought out the back of Toma's head, the image flashing back into his mind of how he had looked, his head thrown back, his chest exposed and his breathing ragged.  His own breathing sped up just thinking about it. 

He hadn't even bothered to gauge Marco's expression on his way back to his seat, sure that he would find nothing but anger and contempt there, and he didn't want anything to harsh his buzz.  He didn't care, not even when Marco leaned in and sniffed him.  If anything, it took everything in him not to laugh out loud and yell for all the world to hear.  Yes, Toma's scent's all over me!  As if Toma had marked him and he was fiercely proud to wear that mark. 

Inevitably he began to wonder how long this high would last.  Probably as long as it took to sink in that this didn't mean that he and Toma were back together.

***

Was it his imagination or was this dressing room unbearably stuffy?  Maybe it just wasn't designed to accommodate five people. 

This was pure torture.  Being in the same room with Toma while his synapses were firing was bad enough, but having to watch Toma talk shop with Tsubasa was more than he could take.  Yamapi was convinced Toma was doing it on purpose; he knew how much it turned Yamapi on. 

The way Toma was perched on Tsubasa's make-up table, one thigh on the table, his other foot on the floor, and the way it made the fabric of his pants stretch across his crotch; none of that was helping the wicked thoughts in Yamapi's head go away.  That's where Yamapi was supposed to be, between Toma's legs, leaning against that tempting thigh, that thigh that he wanted to caress so badly. Under different circumstances he would have been. As if Tsubasa would have raised an eyebrow…

Aware of the dark glare Marco was sending him, Yamapi tilted his head back and drained his champagne glass.  After he'd poured himself another glass, he took a sip and tried to turn his attention back to the conversation.  He almost immediately regretted it.

"Yeah, you're right, Toma," Tsubasa said, his entire face beaming with pleasure, "that's totally what I tried to do in that scene.  I'm so thrilled that you picked up on that!"

Toma must have said something in reply, but what it was Yamapi never heard, because at the very same time he said it, Toma turned to Yamapi and flashed him a flirty smile. 

Not fair, not fair, screamed in Yamapi's mind, as he drained his glass again.  In combination with the wine earlier, the champagne was starting to make him feel light-headed, just when he needed to feel in control the most.  He jumped when he felt a hand on his hip.  How was that even possible?  Toma was all the way over there.  Just how long were his arms?

He shook his head, trying to clear it, disappointment settling in when he realised it was Marco's hand.  A moment later, he pulled an annoyed face when the rest of Marco invaded his personal space.  Casting a look at Toma he saw the smile was still there, though less bright.  There was also something fierce in Toma's eyes now, something that almost looked like possessiveness.  It sent something sharp and tingly through Yamapi's veins.

"I think we should be going, hon," Marco said into Yamapi's ear, though why he was leaning into him like that, Yamapi had no idea.  His voice was loud enough to carry all across the room, which, Yamapi realised, was exactly his intention.  Marco had never called him any pet-names before; he was doing it now just to make a point.

"You don't have to go already, do you, Yamapi?"  Tsubasa looked genuinely disappointed.  And then he cast a surreptitious look at Toma and back at Yamapi.  Or maybe he thought it was surreptitious.  To Yamapi it signalled that he really did need to get out of here.

Smiling, he put his glass down on the table, right next to Toma's thigh - without even giving in to the overpowering temptation of running his hand along that thigh, thank you very much! -  and grabbed the excuse with both hands.  "Yeah.  I've got an early call on set tomorrow."  It wasn't true, but hey, they didn't know that.

"That's too bad," Tsubasa said, "I was looking forward to catching up with you."

"I'm sorry if I hogged the conversation," Toma said.

Yamapi waved his hand back and forth.  He had nothing to apologise for.   "Thanks for inviting me," he told Tsubasa.  "It's a wonderful play.  I loved it."

"Thanks for being here," Tsubasa replied. 

Yamapi turned to Ai-chan and nodded at her in goodbye.  Then came the most difficult bit.  Taking a deep breath, he turned to Toma.  The moment their eyes met, he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. 

"Toma," he said, holding out his hand.  He wanted to say more, but the words abandoned him, just like they always did at crucial moments.  All he could do was look into Toma's eyes, hope that an inkling of what he was feeling was reflected in his own.  All the regret he felt for what he'd done, the love that still ran so deep, the intense hope that it was not too late.

"Yamashita," Toma said quietly and took his hand.  It was like a current of electricity passed through Yamapi when their palms touched.  He would never have dreamed it possible that he could still react so violently to Toma's touch.  He might have resisted running his hand along Toma's thigh, but he couldn't resist caressing the back of Toma's hand with his thumb, drawing small circles on the smooth flesh.

Realising what he was doing, he abruptly pulled his hand away, severing the connection before he did something really stupid, right here, surrounded by witnesses.  In the same movement, he turned. 

"Good night, everybody," he said over his shoulder, hoping they couldn't hear the tremor in his voice.  It wasn't a tremor of hopelessness, though, quite the contrary.  It was a tremor of excitement.  He knew what he wanted; he was positively buzzing to get out of that dressing room and start setting the necessary wheels in motion.

"Night, Yamashita."

He smiled at the teasing lightness he could hear in Toma's voice.  Toma knew it too.

***

They sat in silence for a long time, Marco driving and Yamapi in the passenger seat, staring out of the window at the busy Tokyo nightlife.  The glass reflected back the small smile that Yamapi couldn't wipe off his face to save his life.

"You fucked him, didn't you?" Marco suddenly asked, his voice strangely detached.

"Technically, I blew him," Yamapi replied calmly.

They both knew there was nothing left to say.

***

There was a tingling in his stomach when he stood outside Toma's apartment door – how odd to think of it as Toma's apartment, not theirs – his duffel bag slung across his shoulder.  He'd packed his things, moved out of Marco's place without any sort of guarantee, any sort of idea how he would be received by Toma.  Perhaps it didn't matter; this was just something he had to do.

Packing his bags had felt different this time.  There was no feeling of sadness or heartbreak, just a sense of expectation and hope.   He and Marco had always known that their relationship had a sell-by date, that it was only a temporary arrangement, so it didn't really come as a surprise to either of them that it was over.  There were no hard feelings on Yamapi's part; if there were on Marco's, that was his problem.

Something moved behind the door; Yamapi held his breath as the door started to open, his heart racing.  He braced himself for any scenario, rejection, Toma firmly closing the door in his face, even though he knew that Toma would never do such a thing.   The door swung open and there was…

Fuck!  Ai-chan again?!

He was sure he couldn't keep the dismay out of his face upon seeing her.  Her eyes too opened wide, but then her gaze moved to the bag slung across his shoulder; she suddenly smiled brightly.  She was actually fantastically pretty when she smiled.

"Is it the delivery guy?" Toma's voice called from inside the apartment.   The sound of his voice made the adrenaline shoot through Yamapi's frame.

"No," she called back, still grinning at Yamapi, "but I think it's a delivery for you, Toma-kun."

Toma appeared behind her, a curious expression on his face that turned to shock when he saw Yamapi.  "Yamashita?"

He didn't know what to say.  He'd rehearsed this moment in his head so many times, but now that he was here he didn't know what to say.  Ai-chan looked from Toma to Yamapi – they were both just staring at each other, neither of them finding the words they needed - smiled and then picked up her bag from the sofa.

"I was just about to go anyway.  See you tomorrow at work, Toma-kun."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."  Toma didn't even look away from Yamapi when he said goodbye to Ai-chan, didn't try to stop her, even though they'd obviously ordered food for the both of them.  The door closing behind her shook them out of their daze.

Toma smiled warmly, said "Yamashita" once again, this time without the question mark, clearly needing to hear the words come from Yamapi.

Suddenly knowing what to say, Yamapi smiled sheepishly.  "Tadaima?"  He held his breath, held Toma’s gaze, his heart growing infinitely lighter when Toma smiled.

"Okaeri," he finally said, the delivering words the sweetest sound Yamapi had ever heard.

The bag fell to the floor, his shoes were kicked off and the next moment he was in Toma's arms, kissing him for all his worth.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he kept saying between kisses, "I've been an idiot," but Toma shushed him and kissed him back.

They were still standing there in the doorway, kissing, when another knock at the door pulled them apart.  They smiled sheepishly at each other.

"Did Kato-san forget something?" Yamapi asked. 

It was in fact the delivery man that Yamapi had been mistaken for.  While Toma paid for the delivery, Yamapi grabbed the opportunity to take his bag and leave it in… oh, fuck yes, their bedroom.  A few minutes later Toma stood in the doorway, smiling warmly.  If there was any way he could fall further in love with him, Yamapi was sure he was doing it right now.

"Unless you're fantastically hungry, I thought food could wait."

"I am fantastically hungry," Yamapi said.  Toma cocked an eyebrow, but grinned when Yamapi grabbed his wrist and pulled him along.  Together they fell onto the bed.  "But not for food."

Could it really be this easy, Yamapi wondered, even as his trembling fingers were fiddling with the buttons of Toma's shirt, the very same one he'd unbuttoned mere hours ago at the theatre, before they then moved down to Toma's belt and pants.  Had Toma always been here, just waiting for him to come to his senses?  Had it always been this easy to come home?

"Yes," Toma suddenly said.  Yamapi was so sure that he was answering the questions in his head that he pulled back to stare at him in dumbfounded wonder.  Toma grinned.  "Yes, you're an idiot," he said, which was as close to reading Yamapi's mind as Yamapi felt comfortable with.   "Will you stop with the regrets now and just fuck me already?"

"I can do that," he said happily.   

It felt like a dream, one he would wake up from any moment now.  When he did, Toma was naked and on his back, Yamapi equally naked and on top of him, peppering kisses along his chest and making his way down.

"Shit, shit, shit," Yamapi cursed violently, resting his cheek on Toma's chest.  He felt like he could cry.  "I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  God, Toma, I'm so sorry."

"What?" Toma asked, sounding genuinely concerned now.  "Didn't I tell you to stop with the sorrys?"

Yamapi looked up, didn't know how he was going to get the question out.  "Do you...?"  Shit!  He took a breath and tried again, cringing the whole time.  "You don't have condoms around, do you?"

A look of comprehension flew across Toma's face.  It only made Yamapi feel worse.  They hadn't used condoms in forever.  There hadn't been any need for them, their relationship strictly exclusive.  It was Yamapi's fault that they would have to start fudging around with condoms again, at least for a while.

Just as Yamapi felt at his worst, something unexpected happened.  A look that could only be described as guilty on his face, Toma diverted his eyes and mumbled: "In the nightstand."

Fuck!  So Toma had strayed as well.  He really didn't mean to, but he found he was staring at Toma with his mouth wide open.  He had no right to be jealous, but it still hurt to think of Toma with someone else.

"Will you stop looking at me like that!"  Toma hit him upside the head.  "I'm not a monk, you know."

"I'm just wondering who it was."  And suddenly jealousy was gone, replaced by intrigue.  "Was it a man or a woman?  Both?"

"Yamashita!" Toma scolded, looking outraged.  He smiled coyly.  "I'll never tell."

Yamapi feigned a pout.  "Not fair.  You know who I slept with."

Toma's reply was soft, but deadly.  "Just one of them."

Ouch!  That little sucker struck deep.  "Toma?" he whispered, overcome with sudden insecurities.  Maybe they were fooling themselves if they thought that they could simply jump in bed and everything would be OK and back to the way it was. 

His eyes squeezed shut, Toma groaned with regret.  "I'm sorry, Tomo, I didn't mean that."

"Are we really going to be OK?" Yamapi asked hesitantly.

Toma's eyes flew open.  "Yes, goddammit, we are.  If you will just stop talking, take a condom from the nightstand and fuck me already!"  His expression softened.  "Please, Tomo, we will talk about it later, I swear."

Yamapi looked at Toma; Toma looked at Yamapi.  They burst into giggles at the same time, Yamapi burying his face in Toma's chest.  At least one thing hadn't changed: they were both still idiots.

Without another word of protest, Yamapi rose onto his knees, kissed Toma quickly and then reached inside the nightstand drawer to retrieve a condom and the tube of lube.  Toma was watching his every move with a heated look, the reason why Yamapi couldn't look him in the eye, concentrating on his own actions instead, as he kneeled between Toma's legs.  Toma opened his legs obligingly, his feet against the mattress.  He looked so fantastic, Yamapi had to take a moment and take a deep breath before he could continue.  He tore the condom packet open with his teeth.

"Uh, Tomo?"

Still not looking at Toma's face, he continued what he'd started, pumping his hand up and down Toma's cock, before sliding the condom down it.  "Don't worry," he said, "you can stay where you are.  I'll do all the work."  He squeezed some lube into his palm and returned to stroking Toma's cock, loving the whimpering sounds Toma was making; his own cock twitched in response.

"Come here," Toma said hoarsely.  Yamapi crawled across Toma's body; a hand curled in Yamapi's hair, Toma pulled him down into a searing kiss.  "Do you need anything?" he asked against Yamapi's mouth. 

Yamapi shook his head.  Straightening, he got into the right position, straddling Toma.  He rose onto his knees and with a little help from Toma, they found the right angle.  He could feel Toma's cock nudging at his asshole.  Biting his lip, he lowered himself onto it, slowly and bit by bit, getting used to the feeling of being filled so thoroughly.

"God, Tomo," Toma groaned and then Yamapi was sat on Toma's cock, breathing heavily, sweat running down his brow with the effort.  "Open your eyes," Toma said gently.  Yamapi hadn't even realised he'd closed them.

Opening his eyes, he gasped at the sight before him.  Toma looked... god, there were no words to describe how he looked, those full, pink lips parted as he panted for breath.  He let his hands slide across Toma's sweat-soaked chest, ran his finger across a hardened nipple.  How had he ever thought he could walk away from this?  It made him suddenly feel so incredibly lucky that he'd been given this second chance.

Toma's hands were running up Yamapi's thighs, across his lower back.  Short nails dug into his skin when Yamapi wiggled just slightly on top of him.  Oh,  yeah, that was the spot. 

"Tomo..."

Toma's hips moved just the tiniest bit, but it was enough to hit that spot that made Yamapi's breath stall.  Slowly, he rose onto his knees, sank back down carefully, drawing groans out of them both.  Once more, this time it went a little smoother.  His hands were roaming Toma's soaking skin with abandon, his thighs were starting to burn, but that pain too was part of the pleasure. 

"Tomo...god, Tomo, you look... you look...  shit!"  Toma's babbling was hot and spurred him on even more.  "You look like..."  One hand on Yamapi's thigh, his other hand moved to Yamapi's cock.  Yamapi grabbed Toma's wrist and pulled his hand back, put it back on Yamapi's chest where it belonged.

"Don't touch it," he hissed, losing himself ever further in the rhythm of up/down.  His cock felt heavy and in desperate need of Toma's hand, but he wanted to come just from Toma's cock, nothing else.  And he would.  He was already so close, could feel his orgasm just there, just out of reach.  Sweat was running into his eyes and down his back.  His thighs were killing him.  Only a few more...

"Like," Toma was still babbling, "like... a fucking god!"

He fell down onto Toma's cock and came, shaking and gasping for breath.  It felt like he was coming apart at the seams.  Even as the orgasm rocked through his body, he gasped at the incredible sight of Toma, his face the most stunning, shocked expression as he came.

"So beautiful," Toma murmured softly, the sound bringing Yamapi back down.  He moved off Toma's cock and draped himself across Toma's body.  Arms closed around him immediately.  Closing his eyes, Yamapi sighed.  He was home.

***

"Can I come back?" Yamapi asked some time later, the two of them lying close together.  He tried not to let the insecurity show through in his voice, but he was sure it did.  "If you'll still have me," he added hesitantly.

Toma looked at him with such fond exasperation that it made Yamapi's heart ache.  "Idiot," he muttered affectionately.  "Look around you.  You're already back."

There was just no way that Yamapi couldn't kiss him then.  "Maybe," he said, pulling back, "this was our seven-year-itch."  He pulled a face.  "Or six-year-itch in our case."

"Quite possibly," Toma agreed.  "You were just eighteen when we got together.  Maybe you just needed to get it out of your system."

"It's out of my system," Yamapi assured immediately and without hesitation.  "Is it out of yours?"  And that was an unfair question to ask, considering it was Yamapi who had left Toma and not the other way around. 

If he felt it was unfair, Toma wasn't showing it; he smiled radiantly at Yamapi.  "Absolutely."  But then the smile slowly faded; Yamapi braced himself for what was to come.  "But I do think it's something we had to go through."

Yamapi knew exactly what he meant.  "To bring us even closer?"

"Exactly.  A lot of things became clear to me in those months when we weren't together."

"Me too," Yamapi said quietly.  Like that he never wanted to be parted from Toma again.

Toma didn’t say anything though.  The whole time he'd been playing with Yamapi's hand, caressing his fingers distractedly.  As Yamapi watched, his breath catching, Toma removed a ring from the ones on his fingers, and slipped it slowly and carefully onto Yamapi's. 

"This is my vow to you," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion, "that I will stand with you, proudly and truly, in whatever endeavour you undertake, whether that's being out or quitting Johnny's or if you decide you want to run off and join the circus.  I'll be there to support you, like I promised I would.  Because if there's one thing I've learned in those months without you, it's that none of it matters without you."  Too choked up to speak, Yamapi stared at the ring on his finger.  Toma chuckled and added: "I've put my career on the line for you before.  I'll do it again in a heartbeat."

"Now who's the idiot?"  Yamapi swallowed when his voice came out thick.  "I've come to a conclusion too.  That I will take any humiliation Johnny has in store for me, if you're there with me.  I'll hide in the closet for the rest of my life, if you're in that closet with me."

Toma pulled him into a kiss, but some time later, he smiled warmly at Yamapi.  "I don't think we'll be able to hide in the closet once you move in with me."

Yamapi held his breath.  This was it.  This was what Jimmy had been talking about.    "Move in with you?"  His voice came out barely a whisper.

"We'll have to find a bigger place, I realise that," Toma rambled on happily, totally ignoring Yamapi's shell-shocked expression.  "I've lived here on my own for the last few months, but it won't do for the two of us on a daily basis.  And I would like to bring Jam over.  I'm assuming you'll want P-chan or Hime-chan?  I don't know if we can keep both.  Three dogs is a lot."

The shock was slowly starting to fade, blooming into a happiness that filled Yamapi's whole chest.   Toma hadn't yet mentioned anything about the place Jimmy said he was getting for the both of them.  Maybe he was saving it for another occasion.  Maybe he didn't want to overwhelm Yamapi with too much at once.  He said the one thing that he could get out without losing it.  "What if they don't like each other?"

"Mmmn."  Toma pretended to think it over for a moment.  "I'm sorry," he finally said, trying to sound earnest, though the smirk on his face was giving him away.  "We'll just have to break up again if our dogs don't get along.  Love me, love my dog."

The smile vanished from Yamapi's face.  Almost desperately, he kissed Toma.  "Don't even joke about breaking up again."

Looking contrite, Toma returned the kiss.  "I'm sorry," he said sincerely and then rolled Yamapi onto his back, pinned his arms on either side of his head.  "How do you want me to make it up to you?"

Yamapi smirked.  He knew just how.

***

He was woken the next morning by his cell phone ringing.  After a few futile gropes on his left side and encountering nothing but soft pillow, Yamapi finally gave up and opened his eyes.  What he saw made him grin with happiness, the memories from the previous night appearing in his head in all their amazing, technicolour glory.  No wonder his nightstand wasn't on his left side.  It was on his right.

He was home.   

Now why was the other side of the bed empty?  Where the hell was Toma?

The cell phone kept insisting.  "Yeah?" he said blearily into it.

"I knew it!" Nishikido yelled into his ear.  "I told Takki that it would work!"

What?  It was too early in the morning to decipher cryptic messages.  "What are you talking about, Ryo?"

"Toma just walked into the studio."   He did?  That would explain why he wasn't here in bed with Yamapi, where he was supposed to be.  "And he's grinning from ear to ear."  Ryo lowered his voice conspiratorially.  "And looking utterly shagged out, if you get my drift."

The pieces were slowly starting to fall together.  Ryo and Takki had grown quite close during their drama.  So it was the two of them who had arranged for Toma and Yamapi to "accidentally" run into each other at Tsubasa's play?  That much sneakiness just begged for retaliation.

"Jeez, Nishikido," he said, trying his best to sound as grossed out as possible, "I really wish you wouldn't wake me up with stories about Toma's sexcapades with some random stranger." 

He could practically hear Ryo deflate on the other side.  "Oh, fuck, Pi!  I didn't mean to upset you.  He looks so happy!  I was sure you guys had worked things out."

He couldn’t keep up the pretence much longer.  "We have," he finally relented.  "And if you were here, Ryo-chan, I'd kiss you!"

"Eeeew!"  Ryo loudly proclaimed his opinion on that idea, but he was laughing at the same time.  "It's about time you stopped acting like idiots.  If you two can't make it, none of us have a chance.  Oops!  Looks like I’m needed on set.  Talk to you later, Pi."

And true to form, Ryo terminated the call without even waiting for an answer.  Snapping his cell phone shut, Yamapi let it fall onto the mattress.  Turning onto his side, he noticed the note on the other pillow.

"Have an early call on set.  Will be done around two.  You looked so beautiful, I let you sleep.  Toma."

With a huge smile, he stretched blissfully, pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep.

***

The ring didn't weigh that much and still he couldn't forget about its presence.  Time and time again, Yamapi held up his hand and looked at it in wonder.  It was a promise, one that he wasn't sure he still deserved but one he knew he would never question.

Wandering around Toma's apartment in his socks, waiting for his return, he started to notice how much had changed about the place since he'd packed his bag and left only a few months ago.  A lot more of Toma's stuff, not to mention Toma's mess, had migrated here.  Apparently he really had been living here fulltime, once Yamapi left him.

For one thing, there was now a full CD and DVD rack.  Yamapi couldn't help grinning when his finger brushed across a Judas Priest CD.  Toma had better know where his headphones were.  There was no way on earth that Yamapi was subjecting himself to that racket.  Another thought struck him, as he looked around the messy living room.  If Toma thought he was cleaning up for him, he had another think coming.

This would never work, he thought, as he fell onto the sofa and pulled his legs underneath him.  They were both too messy.  They'd drown in their own filth by the end of the week.  Even as the thought went through his head, Yamapi smiled, knowing that he'd never been more certain of anything before in his entire life.

He was still on the sofa, leafing through a magazine, feeling more and more like a bored housewife waiting for her husband, when a text message from Toma arrived.  On my way home.  Am bringing lunch.

Home.   Something warm settled in Yamapi's chest.  Twisting the ring on his finger, he smiled goofily. 

Not much later, the door opened and Toma walked in, a plastic bag in each hand and, as Ryo had described it, grinning from ear to ear.  Dressed in tight, faded jeans and a colourful T-shirt, he looked absolutely edible.  Just for a moment, he took Yamapi's breath away.  Not for the first time he wondered what had ever possessed him to leave Toma, or which god had been kind enough to return him to him.

Toma toed off his shoes and stepping into the living room, deposited his bags onto the coffee table.  When he leaned over Yamapi for a kiss, Yamapi grabbed the front of Toma's shirt and pulled him on top of him.  Laughing, Toma went willingly.

"I woke up alone," Yamapi pouted, several kisses later, "I don't like waking up alone."

Toma looked appropriately contrite.  "I know.  I remember."  He kissed Yamapi quickly and sat up.  "I'll make it up to you later.  Lunch is getting cold."

Reluctantly, Yamapi sat up too.  He shook his head when Toma threw a couple of magazines onto the floor to make room for the food.   Drown in their own filth by the end of the week, he was sure of it.  And yet, he could barely wait.

He watched as Toma brought out the food.  Almost on cue, Yamapi's stomach started growling.   "I felt like I was your wife waiting for you."

As those words sank in, they both froze at the same time and stared at each other.   From the look on Toma's face, Yamapi could tell that they were reliving the same memory.  That morning, so many years ago, when they were still teenagers and fantasizing about living together like husband and husband. 

Toma smiled at him radiantly, but then undid the warm feeling blossoming in Yamapi's heart by saying: "So fetch us some bowls and chopsticks like a good wife."  While Toma grinned mischievously, Yamapi hit him upside the head, but got up to do as told.  "And a wife would have cooked for me while I was hard at work," he called after Yamapi, laughing.  "Not to mention cleaned up a bit." 

Returning with bowls and chopsticks, Yamapi hit him upside the head again, just for good measure.  "There's a certain aspect of your personality that I didn't miss," he said, pulling a face.  "I wonder if you can guess which one."

It was some time later, while Yamapi was stuffing his face with squid gyoza, that Toma said: "I've got nothing for the rest of the day.  Do you want to go check out a place for us to live or do you want to pay Johnny a visit first?"

Frowning, Yamapi swallowed his mouthful.  "What the hell does Johnny have to do with us moving in together?"

The look Toma gave him could only be interpreted as 'have you gone stupid?'.  "Yamashita!"  He sounded exasperated as well.  "Isn't this how this whole thing got started?"  Yamapi frowned at him in incomprehension.  "You wanting out of Johnny's clutches?"  He put down his chopsticks and looked at Yamapi solemnly.  "I want to do it.  No more half-measures.  I got you back and I'm not blowing it again.  Let's quit Johnny's."

Yamapi could only stare at Toma, his eyes wide.  "This afternoon?!" he squeaked.

Toma shrugged.  "No time like the present."

No, no, no, this was crazy.  His appetite suddenly gone, he put down his chopsticks.  "It's not some kind of test to prove you love me." 

Toma waved his hand back and forth.  "It's not.  I've had a lot of time to think about it and I want it too.  I don't want to look over my shoulder every time I come home to you."

Home.  The sentiment was lovely, but how was that for irony?  Yamapi had used their time apart to see Toma's point of view and while he was doing that Toma's perspective had changed to Yamapi's.  He'd vowed that, if he were given another chance again with Toma, he would never pressure him into doing anything he didn't want to.  This scenario, though, was one that he hadn't anticipated.

"Really?"  He had to be sure.  He'd waited so long for this moment.  "You really want to?"

The brilliant smile on Toma's face said enough.  If there were lingering doubts there, Yamapi would be able to tell.  He knew Toma too well.  "I really want to, Tomo.  I want to start a life with you, not just a career."

"What about your drama?"

"Wrapped today."  Toma grinned mischievously.  "Didn't I tell you?  My bad."

Yamapi barely refrained from hitting him again.  "But... but your career?" he asked, his eyes wide in wonder.  "Everything's going so fantastically for you right now."

Toma shrugged, as if it meant nothing.  "It will recover.  It has before."  His expression suddenly twisted into something unpleasant.  "It's not like Johnny ever did my career any favours.  I don't know why I didn't do this much sooner."

Yamapi did, though.  Because he needed the money.  Every time he thought of his own stupid stubbornness, Yamapi wanted to hit himself.  His throat suddenly tight, he found it impossible to say something, so he simply leaned in and kissed Toma.  Toma's arms instantly closed around him and pulled him close, as Yamapi sighed into the kiss.

When they pulled apart, Yamapi smiled happily.  "Let's go look for a place.  After everything, I still have to work up to facing Johnny."

A look that could only be interpreted as guilty crossed Toma's face.  It made Yamapi want to kiss the stuffing out of him.   He knew that Toma didn't need to go looking for a place, that he'd already found one, but there was no way he was going to betray Jimmy.

"Uh..."  Toma lowered his eyes, suddenly unable to look at Yamapi.  "Damn."  He chuckled.   When he looked up at Yamapi, he was grinning.  "I've rehearsed this in my head so many times and then I thought I'd lost the opportunity..."  

"Toma, don't..."  Yamapi fell silent.  He wanted to say, don't remind me of how stupid I've been, but Toma had taken Yamapi's hand and was playing with the ring on his finger, rendering every word unnecessary.

"I meant to do this months ago," Toma said, his voice soft with emotion.  "For Valentine's Day, actually."

Oh, damn, here it came.  Yamapi mentally braced himself.  "Yeah?"

"Tomo, will you move in with me?"

***

Epilogue

"Pssst!" 

The JE merchandising booth attendant looked around in confusion, trying to work out where the sound was coming from.  Finally, she turned towards the back of the booth, from where Yamapi was trying to get her attention, his head between the back-drapes the only part of him visible.  Her eyes widened in surprise, she hurried towards him.

"Yamashita-san," she admonished in a subdued voice, "don't let the fans see you!  We'll have a stampede!"

With a feeling of nostalgia, Yamapi looked out at the vast crowd of excited fans waiting to be let into the arena for the concert.  He missed it.  He couldn't deny it.  The mixture of adrenaline and nerves that went along with a concert of this magnitude, there was nothing quite like it.  And still, he wouldn't trade the last six months for anything in the world.  He'd feel that thrill of a live concert again, he was sure of that.  And this time it would be better, because this time he'd have Toma at his side.

He smiled when the booth attendant kept looking out at the crowd worriedly and back at Yamapi.  "Don't worry, I'm going.  Could you just get me a Nishikido uchiwa?"  She frowned at him, but then turned to do as he asked.  Before she could even take one step, he added: "Oh, and a Shige one!"  He was already chuckling at the expression Toma would make when he handed him the Shige uchiwa.  It would no doubt be accompanied with an incredulous "What the hell is this?".

The booth attendant returned to the counter where five of her colleagues were busy parting hungry fans from their allowances, grabbed two uchiwa in a quick trying-not-to-look-conspicuous-but-looking-even-more-so-because-of-it way and hurried back to Yamapi. 

"Here," she said, thrusting them into Yamapi's hands.  "Now, please leave before they see you and tear the whole booth down."

"Thanks."  He held out a thousand yen note, but she pushed his hand back. 

"You don't have to pay, Yamashita-san!"

It was kind of her, but no, he couldn't accept.  "I'm not a Johnny's anymore," he reminded her with a gentle smile.

She huffed in derision.  "Like that old coot will notice if he's out a thousand yen or two." 

That wasn't the point.  He just didn't want to owe Johnny anything, not even the price of two uchiwa.  He tried to get her to take the money, but she wouldn't hear of it.  Before too long it turned into a situation of either giving up or being spotted by fans.  With a sigh, he glared at her.

"You're a tough negotiator," he said, not without admiration.  With a final smile he ducked back behind the drapes and hurried through the corridors. 

Toma was waiting for him where he'd left him, leaning against a wall, a few hundred metres away from the NEWS dressing room. The look on his face as Yamapi shoved the Shige uchiwa at him was exactly how Yamapi had imagined it in his head. 

"What the hell is this?" he asked predictably, glaring at Yamapi.  "Kato-kun?"

Beaming, Yamapi held up his own uchiwa.  "I've got Ryo-chan, so you've got Shige.  You and me."  He pointed his uchiwa first at Toma's chest, then at his own.  "Shige and Ryo."

Toma rolled his eyes and hit Yamapi on top of the head with his uchiwa.  "Subtlety, Yamashita.  You really need to look into the concept."

Yamapi stuck out his lower lip.  "But isn't that why we quit Johnny's?  So we wouldn't have to be subtle anymore?"

"Oh, god, not the pout," Toma groaned.  "You know I can't resist the pout."

Grinning evilly, Yamapi slowly advanced on Toma, like a hunter stalking his pray.  There was a flicker of "Tomo, not here," in Toma's eyes, but it was almost immediately gone.  Toma knew very well that once Yamapi had his mind on something, it was very difficult to dissuade him; he almost voluntarily let himself be pressed up against the wall.  There wasn't any hint of resistance from Toma.  If anything, he even leaned into the kiss, sighed happily when Yamapi's lips claimed his hungrily.

It was quite astounding.  Every kiss was still pure bliss.  As he lost himself completely in the sensation, he momentarily, and quite stupidly, forgot where they were.  That was, until a loud, indignant voice reminded him.

"You, perverts!  There are impressionable young minds around!"

Startled, Yamapi sprang away from Toma and gazed around him, his heart beating fast.  They might be out of Johnny's clutches, but that didn't mean that they could do everything they wanted.  He pulled a face in annoyance when he saw Ryo standing there, already dressed in his blue colours and grinning like a devil.

"You, idiot!  You scared the fuck out of me!"  Despite the initial panic, Yamapi'd still had the presence of mind to hide his Ryo uchiwa behind his back.  "What young, impressionable minds?"

Ryo grimaced and looked around, but there was no one.  When he saw Tegoshi walking towards them, he started grinning.  "Here!"  Ryo grabbed Tegoshi in passing and put his hand over Tegoshi's eyes.  "You have traumatised poor, innocent Tesshi."

"Get off!"  Tegoshi shook Ryo's hand off and shaking his head in fondness continued on his way down the corridor, throwing a casual: "Yamapi.  Ikuta-kun," at them as he walked by.

"Tegoshi," Yamapi greeted back.

Now that he didn't have Tegoshi as an ally anymore, Ryo frowned.  The frown grew deeper as he watched Yamapi.  "What are you hiding behind your back?"

Yamapi feigned ignorance.  "That?"  He smiled innocently.  "That's just Toma."  From his position behind Yamapi, Toma pinched his bottom, making Yamapi jump. 

"Well, duh."  Ryo sighed.  "What are you hiding in your hands?   Hold out your hands!"

Hopefully Toma would take the uchiwa from his hands.  The way they were standing together, they could still hide it from Ryo between their bodies.  He grinned in delight when he felt the brush of hands, prying the uchiwa from his fingers.  Of course Toma could read his mind.  Why did he doubt that?

With a "Aren't you ashamed you doubted my word?" smirk he held up his hands and waved them at Ryo.

Ryo's eyes narrowed.  It didn't look like he would give up this easily.  "I should alert security," he mused.  "Letting in unauthorised people like you two."  In reply, Yamapi blew him a kiss.

The discussion was silenced when the rest of NEWS started to trickle into the corridor one by one. 

"Yamapi!" Koyama yelled the moment he spotted him.  "You came to support us?"

"Of course!"  Yamapi couldn't help it.  He still felt guilty for leaving the way he'd done.  He'd never wanted NEWS to suffer, never wanted NEWS' existence threatened.  For a while, it had looked like it might.  Enraged by Yamapi's "betrayal", as he'd called it, Johnny had taken his anger out on the remaining members.

Never had Yamapi felt so proud of NEWS' fans.  The way they rallied together, let Johnny know in no uncertain terms that they would stand by NEWS, with or without Yamapi, had pretty much given Johnny no other choice but to go back on his decision.  He'd even gone a step further than Yamapi would ever have thought.  To appease the fans, and in no small measure to make up for Yamapi's departure, he'd even brought Uchi and Kusano back into the fold.

Yamapi's gaze sought the two of them.  Kusano seemed to have found his spot within KKK again, hanging on Shige's back and grinning at Yamapi.  Uchi too was smiling, though maybe he looked a little less at ease with the others than Kusano did.

Whatever, it had done the trick.  NEWS was as hot as ever.  The crowds of excited fans just outside those doors were proof enough.

Ryo huffed.  "We're doing just fine without you, if you must know."

"I know," Yamapi said with a grin.  "NEWS has finally got the leader they deserve," he reminded Ryo of his own words at the press conference.

"You better believe it," Ryo said with a smirk.  "What did you ever do for us?"

"Nothing," Yamapi readily admitted. 

There was an instant cacophony of protests and people defending Yamapi.  Shige's voice burst through them.  "What are your plans now?"  The question was directed at the both of them, Yamapi noted, sending a warm thank you to Shige.

Grinning, he turned to Toma, but before either of them could speak, Ryo snorted.  "What kind of dumb question is that, Shige?  Tomayama, of course!  He's been whining about it long enough!"

"Among other things," Yamapi said, smiling happily.  In fact, Tomayama Productions was already registered at the Ministry of Justice.  The press conference was scheduled two weeks from now.  They would ease back into the world of show business, working behind the scenes at first and when the time was right...

"We'll support Tomayama," Koyama announced, his face expressing the same enthusiasm as could be heard in his voice.  "We'll come to your concerts."

Toma laughed.  "You might be the only ones."

Ryo rolled his eyes.  "Are you kidding me?  The two of you are still as popular now as when you were kids."  He pointed a finger at Toma.  "You even more so than ever.  Why the hell would you leave all of that behind for him?"

"NEWS!" a staff member called down the corridor, startling all of them.  "Ten minutes until the concert starts.  Standby, please!"

It was quite something to watch, the way the seven of them immediately went into professionally intent mode, even if they never stopped being their usual silly selves.  Yamapi had been through this so often, been a part of it, but it was remarkably different to see it happen from the outside.  He longed to feel it again.  As if he could read Yamapi's mind, Toma stroked his arm.

"Patience, babe," he whispered in Yamapi's ear.  "Soon enough."

Yamapi smiled at him warmly.  He'd waited this long to be in a unit with Toma again; he could wait a little longer still.  Now at least they knew it wasn't just an unreachable dream.  They'd taken their fate into their own hands.  They were going to make it happen.

Throwing his arm across Toma's shoulder, he pulled him close and pressed a kiss to Toma's temple.  None of the NEWS members even blinked an eye.  Yamapi's relationship with Toma was a secret to none of them.  Besides, they were too busy getting ready to go on stage to pay any attention to Yamapi kissing his boyfriend.

With a haughty smirk, Ryo turned to Yamapi.  "Now, watch and learn.  This is how you lead a band."  He opened his mouth to say something to the rest of NEWS, but then changed his mind and turned back to Yamapi and Toma.  "Oh, what's the use anyway?  You better lead that unit of yours, Toma."

Before Yamapi could protest - if he was going to, it would only be for form anyway - Ryo bellowed at NEWS to make their way to the stage.  As they noisily disappeared down the corridor, the staff member shook his head in fond exasperation and turned to Yamapi and Toma.

"Yamashita-san, Ikuta-san, if you will come with me.  We've reserved seats for you."

They both thanked him wholeheartedly.  There were a handful of staff members who ignored Johnny's orders to keep Toma and Yamapi away from any Johnny event and supported them still.  The booth attendant had been another one.  Yamapi was incredibly thankful for their loyalty. 

As they walked along the corridor, it occurred to Yamapi that they didn't need a guide to the stage arena; the loud voices were a handy compass.  "Hold on, guys," the staff member said, as he pushed open the heavy doors.  "You're going to cause quite a stir when they see you."

That was an understatement.  As soon as they neared their seats, the girls around them started screaming their heads off and pointing their uchiwa and lightsticks in their direction.

Toma rolled his eyes at Yamapi.  "You do know how to make an entrance, don't you?"

"Who says they're not screaming for you?" Yamapi countered.

Having found their seats, they nodded their thanks to the helpful staff member.  He grinned at the fans going nuts around Yamapi and Toma, and left them to it.

"Because we're at a NEWS concert," Toma pointed out reasonably.  Yamapi shrugged.  Smiling, he waved at the girls, who promptly started screaming even louder.  "My point exactly," Toma said.

The house lights went out; the place turned into a madhouse of screaming girls.  Yamapi leaned into Toma to yell into his ear.  "And here's where they forget we're even here."

The concert's opening movie started playing on the big screen.  It was an uplifting message about the hard times NEWS had gone through in the last few months and how grateful they were for the fans' continuing support.  For just a moment Yamapi again felt that sharp guilt, but he wasn't allowed to wallow in it for very long.  In the next sequence there was a shot of him, with every member saying something about how much they respected Yamapi's decision, how it hadn't been an easy one and that they would always consider Yamapi as a member of NEWS.

He found he had to swallow past the tightness that had suddenly appeared in his throat.  It couldn't have been easy for the NEWS members to get that message past Johnny.  They must have fought hard for it; it touched Yamapi very deeply, not in the least because of the swell of screams that passed through the audience at the mention of his name.

Toma's hand found Yamapi's in the darkness and squeezed in silent support.

That's when the concert really kicked off, with fireworks and the whole business.  Yamapi was just starting to wonder how NEWS were going to make their sure-to-be-spectacular entrance this time, when he noticed a platform starting to rise from the floor.  So that's what they were planning.  Up and up the platform went, to the strains of Weeeek, driving the fans ever more into a frenzy.  The light from within showed seven silhouettes.  The curtain fell, at the same time as NEWS started singing...

Eh?!  There were seven Juniors on the platform, not NEWS.  Yamapi laughed, as he realised that he, along with every fangirl in the stadium had been fooled.  From every direction, making their way through the audience, the NEWS members started to appear, high-fiving the audience members as they made their way to the stage.  Oh, good!  Ryo was the one coming down their row.  He would reach them soon.  Yamapi held his uchiwa at the ready. 

Ryo grinned when he saw them, an expression that soon turned into a glare when Yamapi started waving his uchiwa.  Toma laughed as he waved his own Shige uchiwa.  Ryo flipped them a finger, an action that Yamapi answered by turning the uchiwa around and kissing the image of Ryo on it enthusiastically.

"Oi!" Toma said beside him.  "Don't get too carried away!"

Perhaps they could make the uchiwa kiss each other?  Yeah, that would probably be a little too unsuitable for the time and place, so he just waved his uchiwa and yelled: "Ryo-chan, I love you!" in chorus with the fangirls around him.

With an exasperated smirk, Ryo shook his head.  But then his expression sobered and he mouthed: "Me too" at Yamapi.

It momentarily took Yamapi's breath away, the mocking smile falling off his face, but by then it was already too late.  The moment had passed and Ryo had already found his bandmates on stage.  The music segued into Koi no ABO.  The spots spun around like lights off a mirror ball.  The fans were jumping up and down.

Yamapi turned to Toma and felt his heart burst.  "Tomayama next!"

Toma grinned.  "Tomayama next!"

He wanted to kiss him, oh, so much!  But wouldn't that be the talk of the town, if they kissed in front of tens of thousands of fangirls.  So Yamapi just hoped that Toma knew how happy he was right now, having everything he loved most together in one place.

Toma smiled warmly at him.  Of course Toma knew. 

Waving his uchiwa with enthusiasm, Yamapi sang along with all the lines, not caring how out of tune he sounded.

THE END