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This page is for whatever I feel like putting here. Generally, I have a lot of garbage to spew forth and I guess I needed a place for it to collect. Basically, I just wanted a kind of forum for my wierd thoughts. So, if anyone out there wants to comment on anything presented here, feel free to e-mail me.

Right now I'm living in Buffalo, NY. I'm not exactly sure WHY I'm here. I moved here from Pittsburgh, PA almost a year ago with my boyfriend-at-the-time. But that didn't work out- so here I am.

By the way- If anyone out there wants me to add their page to my links, I'm willing to bargain. I'll add your URL if you'll add mine. That way, both our pages will gain greater exposure. Let me know if you're interested.

07-05-98. What shall we discuss today? Hmmmmmm.... How 'bout we talk about that wierdness we call "relationships." I'm speaking of the non-platonic variety.

Let's refer to my male consort as, oh I dunno, "Biff." Now, why is it that the same guy who inadvertently pisses me off on a regular basis- often for no REAL reason whatsoever- is also the guy who makes me smile to myself when I catch him falling asleep in front of the TV? How come I want to strangle him one minute and hug him the next?

Right now, "Biff" is upstairs watching Star Trek reruns on his parents couch, and I'll be d*m*ed if he's not just barfarifically cute while he does it. I do not understand what's wrong with me. The boy is WIERD. He does wierd things to my head. Jerk.

07-07-98. Let it be known that I didn't mean that "Biff" does BAD stuff to my head- the emotions involved are confusing sometimes, but mostly he just makes me happy. Now that THAT'S settled....

I dyed my hair late last night. It was supposed to be a reddish-brown. It came out VERY coppery red. It looks pretty cool, just not the way I'd expected it to. My hair naturally has a lot of red in it, but this is just- POW!!! The only problem I have with the color is that "Biff" and I are going to be awfully, painfully cute. His hair is this color naturally. Sure, I didn't mean to dye my hair to match his, but the rest of the world doesn't know that. He hasn't seen it yet. Wonder what he'll think? If I had the $$$, I'd dye it again to darken it, but I don't. Sigh....

07-08-98. Uh, oh.... Angelfire's messing w/ my editor again. Hopefully they'll fix it ASAP!!!!!! Anyhow, "Biff" liked my hair. It's kinda growing on me, too. I'm at work right now, kinda blowing it off. There's not much for me to do right now.

I guess I'll try to post this now, and hopefully it'll go through.

07-15-98. I've been feeling less than gleeful lately. I'm feeling a bit better, though- for a VERY silly reason. "Biff" moved back in with his folks (landlord troubles) and hence didn't need the rabbit ears for his TV anymore. So I got 'em. Now I get Channel 29- FOX- and Channel 17- Public Access. For some reason, the magic box is making me feel a lot less lonely when I find myself alone for hours on end. It's like, company, or something. TV has wierd effects on the brain, I guess.

Other than that, much is the same. Work is stressful. Friends are busy. Boyfriend's TOO busy. Same old shtick.

Anyhow, my birthday is this coming Monday, so stuff's bound to get better, right? Birthday's are supposed to be a fresh start, right? Somebody reassure me- please.

07-15-97. (A few hours later.) Let's observe a little lesson in the Law of Threefold, kids. At lunch today, I got a salad from the cafeteria salad bar. They charge 19 cents per ounce. Yesterday, I ended up paying $2.30 for a little, tiny salad. So, today I made an eensy, teensy salad, took it up to the register, paid my $1.20, then took it back to the salad bar and finished making the salad that I REALLY wanted. Essentially, I stole a little bit of food. I thought it was excusable. I'm poor. It was just some lettuce.

Then I returned to my desk after my lunch break. Someone had taken my stress ball from my desk. STOLEN it from me, if you will. And I'm sure they thought it was excusable. After all, it was just a stress ball. And I had gotten it for free. It was just a LITTLE thing.... Sure. I'm gonna miss that ball. No longer will I be able to knock in the ceiling tiles above my desk. But maybe the cafeteria is going to miss the $1.10 that I cheated them out of. Probably not as much as I'll miss that ball, but that would be the "Threefold" part, I guess. Every day is a lesson.

07-17-98. Hmmmm.... My birthday. Let's talk about my impending birthday. I'll be 21. Woohoo. See my excitement? I've always thought I'd spend my 21st birthday getting ripping drunk and being disorderly. You know- fun. 'Course I once thought that I'd be driving a new car on my 16th birthday, and that SOMETHING important would happen on my 18th. Life never goes the way you expect. I got a stereo on my 16th birthday. I don't think ANYTHING at all happened on the 17th or 18th (that I remember.) I spent the 19th one bawling my eyes out.

Last year, my birthday started out as okay. The morning and afternoon were relaxed. The ex and I were having a little get together that evening, so I spent the day in a kind of quiet anticipation. My friend "Andy" came all the way from Altoona for my birthday, a small group of close friends was due to arrive, and my brother J. was coming over with his girlfriend. The ex bought me "Tank Girl," which was exactly what I'd wanted. I was pretty content.

J. brought pizza, instead of a cake, which was sweet, but just didn't feel "birthdayish." I was a little disappointed. But the downfall of the evening was Star Wars Monopoly. All my friends decided to play the game- which I didn't want to do AT ALL. They vetoed me, and I ended up sitting in our living room, watching "Tank Girl" by myself. I was less than pleased. The evening went okay, AFTER they were done. But Monopoly is a long game. It kinda ruined my birthday. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have been so upset. After all, they were my friends, and they were there FOR ME. They were just being themselves. What else did I expect? But more than that, I just remember feeling so unloved and rotten. Like I was the least important person at my own party.

Being that it's just a few days from this year's birthday, I've got to wonder what I'll be remembering next year.

?????????????

07-24-98. There's a lot of stuff that's been going on lately that I could mention here. All of it's important, and all of it's probably interesting, but what I've been thinking about most TODAY is people's perceptions of me. I'm not even going to use any pseudonyms for people this time. I'm not pulling any punches here.

Everybody, no matter what they say, is affected by what people think of them. This includes me. Thing is, people's opinions of me differ so greatly that they border on contradictory. Or maybe they just display different facets of me- I dunno. I'll give some examples.

Let's begin with my temper: My friend Steve once told my boyfriend-at-the-time to "Never piss Jes off. Man, I've seen her mad, and...Well, it's f&%$ing scary. I've never seen anyone LOOK like that at someone else." My friend Rob says my eyes actually go from green to neon, traffic light green. My mother claims that they glow eerily. Now, I am very aware of my insane temper, but I never thought of myself as actually frightening. Everyone else says I am though, and come to think of it, it IS present in their eyes sometimes- that fear, I mean. I don't like to think that my friends are AFRAID of me when I'm angry. Granted, it doesn't happen often, but whoa.

And then there's the way I carry myself. I've been told that until you know me, I appear very aloof. I never meant it to seem that way. With people I know, or who are making an effort to know me, I am generally outgoing and friendly. Usually even talkative. But if I don't know someone, or I'm unsure of how they will react to me, I tend to be very quiet and stay "out of the way." Unless I don't care what they think.

There's also people's perception of my outward appearance. I always feel kind of awkward and gawky. But all the guys I've ever been with have thought differently, and my few female friends are always trying to convince me otherwise. My ex-boyfriend Tom once said, after seeing me take an especially nasty spill, "I've never seen anyone fall so hard, and so fast, yet do it so gracefully." Hmm. Well, then.

Anyhow, I just think it's wierd how what people think of you and what you think of yourself can be so vastly different. That's all for now.

07-27-98. Grrrr.... Stress. "Biff" is moving. I believe I had mentioned this previously. And that's...well, it's OKAY, I guess. The idea of me moving to wherever he's going has come up. Not such a horrible idea, and not exactly an impossibility. But none of that's the problem.

The problem is that "Biff" is all stressed out about the move. Why? Because WHEN he'll actually be moving is up for grabs. He has to wait for his father to find a job in the city they're moving to. Which means that he doesn't even know WHERE they're going. Why is this bothering me? Well, besides my obvious concern for him, it bugs me because he TALKS about it all the time. Now, I know that he needs to talk about it, and I'd much rather he keep those lines of communication open than not, BUT it's really hard for me to hear him talk about leaving all of the time. Especially since I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO. It hurts me to hear him look forward to something that I'm dreading. It's one thing to talk about the possibility of me joining him in a few months. It's another to harp on the fact that he's going to leave without me- for a few months or forever.

I didn't know that I felt so strongly about him until I knew I wouldn't have him. This sucks. Oh, well...like the song says- "Same as it ever was."

07-29-98. Went to Warped Tour yesterday. It was pretty cool. I got to exchange verbalizations with Gregg from Bad Religion, and got my ancient T-shirt signed. Got a nasty sunburn, but oh, well- Who cares? Anyhow, there are more bits and pieces that made up my Warped Tour experience, but I'm in a hurry, and I don't have time to tell them all right now.

The main reason I'm updating today is to add the KMFDM link. It's Sachsa's own page! That makes it about as official as it gets! So- Special "Thanks" to Ross, from whose page I got the link. Go visit him at:

https://www.angelfire.com/nm/getwet/index.html

That's all folks!

08-05-98. Well, nothing that's been going on lately is really IMPORTANT. I've been having a lot of fun with "Biff," who proves to me that not all guys are out to destroy me---a bit more every day. Unfortunately, he's been feeling rather ill as of late, and hasn't been able to come out and play for a few days. Hopefully he's feeling better today, and will be up for a little fun and frolic later on this evening.

Aside from that, let's see....Oh, yes. The parents (mine) are coming to visit this weekend. So, that has me kind of stressed. They want to meet "Biff," who seems to be dealing with it much better than I am. I hope things go smoothly for a change.

I've been feeling little, gothic tuggings all day today. There's nothing I want more than to leave this office and go adorn myself in black fabric and shiny things. Perhaps if "Biff" is feeling more chipper later, he'll join me in my morbid playtime. Or perhaps the urge will have passed by then. It's just been such a long time since I've been able to get dressed up and go out. There are no good clubs here. Not to mention that I've found no lovers of all that is goth to go out with. I miss Club Laga in Pittsburgh. That club is SO much fun!!! Sigh. Oh, well. As a whole, Life's been pretty good to me lately, so I'll make do.

08-11-98. Grrrrr.... My editor is all wacked-out again. I'm gonna start looking into Geocities if this keeps up! Anyhow, lately I've been feeling kinda down. I guess the reality of "Biff" leaving is catching up with me. This sucks! It's not fair that a relationship that's going this well should have to end for such a stupid reason. Well, I guess it's not stupid to HIM. Okay, it's not stupid. But it hurts. A lot.

08-12-98. Other things are bothering me, too. For example, I HATE BUFFALO. Yes, I really hate it here. I've been trying to allow this city to "grow on me" for a year now, but it's just not working. I still hate it. I want to live somewhere else.

I guess you could say that in addition to being upset and sad that "Biff" is moving, I'm also kind of jealous. He gets to move somewhere nice, fully supported by his folks, fed, housed- taken care of. And here I am, taking care of myself like always, with no way of changing the situation that I'm in. Nobody's gonna set me up in a nice house down South. But all he does is bi*ch and whine about how he doesn't know where he's going, or when. Well, boo hoo for him. Poor baby. Don't you feel bad for him?

Maybe I'm being selfish and mean, and I'm sorry, because I love him and I don't want to act that way. But I feel rotten, and I don't know how to make it better.

08-18-98. It's about 10:00am and I'm at work. Yay!!! Anyhow, I had a fairly happy sort of day yesterday, but it ended rottenly. (I know that's probably not a word, but it's my page, so screw you.) When I got home at the end of the day, I got a phone call from "Biff." He's got something wrong with his eye -He scratched it or something- and had to cancel any plans we had for this week until further notice. Unfortunately, self-centered brat that I try so hard not to be, I wasn't as sympathetic as I should've been. I mean, here's this guy I love, in pain, and all I can do is whine that I don't see him often enough anymore. I feel like such a jerk!

08-21-98. You know, a lot of people who read my page have been asking me why there are no pictures. So I started thinking about it. And I was even looking for someone with a scanner so that maybe I COULD put some up. But then I thought about it some more. I've decided NOT to put any pictures on the page. "WHY!?" you ask. Well, first of all, it'd be hard to remain completely honest in my entries if there's a chance that you guys would all recognize me on the street. Second, most of my pictures have, not just me, but also my friends in them. I am always careful to give them psuedonyms when I write about them, so putting their faces on the web would kinda defeat the purpose. Third, and perhaps even most important, I have no desire to get e-mails from dirty old men or under-sexed adolecents who want to "get to know me." So.... Although I love that everyone wants to know more about me, I won't be putting my face on this page using anything other than a text format. I hope that's enough.

08-26-98. I thought some of you might be curious as to what's going on in my life, so I'll give you a brief synopsis. Everything is pretty much the same as usual. "Biff" is still moving, which still upsets me. But we're still really good together, which makes me happy. We've learned to swing- dancing 1940's style. It's a lot of fun. We were really bad at it at first, because we kept arguing about whose fault it was that we kept messing up. After we got over that, though, and learned to "mesh," we found that we're pretty good. In fact, we're going out tonight to learn more.

The only other important thing that's coming up is that I'm going to Pittsburgh for a few days in a week or so. My brother goes to college there and I'm going down for his graduation. I'm really excited about seeing all my old favorite places and haunts. But I'm also kind of scared. I'm going to have to deal with a lot of memories- good and bad. I haven't been back since I moved to Buffalo, so it might hit me kinda hard. But I still can't wait to go. Anyhow, that's about it.

08-27-98. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Work...growl...snarl...hiss. Need I say more? My job is stressing me out to the point of ridiculous. Seriously, I feel like throwing a temper tantrum all day, every day. "What's so awful?" you ask. Well, for starters, they've been sending me home up to four hours early almost every day. I'm supposed to work an eight hour day. My status is full-time, yet I am working less than part-time hours some weeks. I cannot live comfortably- or even semi-comfortably- on that. And now the supervisors are giving us days off without pay. They're all uptight and petty lately, too. Time for a new job, maybe? To get some applications, perhaps? 'Fraid so.

09-22-98. Biff moved on Saturday. As soon as I straighten my weepy head out, I'll update. I promise.

10-12-98. Well, It's straightened out. Now my main objective is just to work hard and save money, so that I can move to NC at the end of December. It's gonna be rough, but I'm gonna do it. Buffalo is just a sick, dying hole- I must get out. Of course, I DO miss my boyfriend horribly, but I don't have so long to wait now. Thank goodness for the phone and e-mail. Work is going MUCH better. They're giving me my 40+ hours again, and I'm even getting a decent amount of overtime. YIPPEE!!!! I'm looking forward to Samhain (Halloween) and new beginnings. I'm going to dress as a Gypsy this year, since Gypsies are my current "interesting stuff to learn about" thing. So that's what's up right now. :O) And Biff, if you're reading this, remember- I love you.

10-14-98. I really wish that those of you who stop by would visit my poetry page. It's called "Stuff I Wrote" and it's in my link list. I'd also be greatly pleased if you'd take a moment to sign the guestbook while you're there. I love to get feedback. PLEASE!?

10-16-98. Uh oh. I'm having signifigant problems with my e-mail server. So, if you want to e-mail me, ignore the Yahoo address at the bottom of the page. Instead, send all mail to je13s13@hotmail.com. I'll be taking my e-mail there until further notice. Also, due to the server problem, "Stuff I Wrote" will not be updated until at least October 23rd. This is because Angelfire will not take my new e-mail address for that account, so I had to set up another new one at Care-Mail, which will not be activated until then. Sorry about any inconvenience.

10-20-98. Sorry. I lied. Now Hotmail is giving it to me, too. Try je13s13@mailcity.com.

10-25-98. Well, the e-mail crisis seems to be over. For now, we'll stick with MailCity. A very good thing happened to me the other day. I was on the phone with Biff, b*tching and moaning about my life. After awhile, we got around to talking about Thanksgiving, and my paid vacation days. So...I get to go there (Sanford, NC) from Nov. 24th until Dec. 1st. Yay!!!! Really, that's not so far away, and I miss him so much. It couldn't come fast enough to make me happy. I'm going by plane, too, which is cool. I haven't been on a plane since I was, like, five or something. I hope everything goes okay with that. You hear so many wacky stories about planes, ya know? Lost luggage, missed flights, hi-jackings, crashes.... But I'm sure it'll be fine. I hope. Well, anyway, I'm at work. Yes, on a Sunday. I need the money. But I get to leave in an hour. One of the bonuses for working on a Sunday is that there's no one here to tell me what to do, when to take a break, etc., etc.... I just finished covering my cubical in fake spiderwebs for Halloween. THAT should suprise everyone on Monday morning. But, at any rate, back to work....

11-04-98. Well, not much of interest is really going on. I'm just really busy trying to get everything all organized for this move. I have to leave a lot of things behind, because I can't afford to take them. That really sucks. I can only take as much stuff as my friend "Brad" and I can fit into his car. I don't think that'll be even half of what I own. Ugh. But I'm giving most of the extra stuff to friends or charity, which is good. So, that's pretty much what's up with me right now.

11-05-98. ONE "s" people!!! ONE! J-E-S. One "s." That's it. Just one. 'K?

11-06-98. I'm just feeling all sorts of squishy-cuddly-happy today. I love my boyfriend. S'about it. :o)

11-09-98. Today is apparently "Jes' hormones run wild" day. I've been so..."anxious"... all week. If it weren't for the fact that I very much love my boyfriend, I'd probably seduce the first hot, young thing that came along. But I shant. I only have to wait 15 more days, then I can ravage the sweet body of "Biff." It's wierd how crazy you can get when you've gone a couple of months without sex. Especially if you've gotten used to having it very regularly. Sigh. Let this 15 days go quickly....

11-17-98. Well, I've got one week to go. I have to admit that I'm pretty nervous about going down there. (NC) What if things are all wierd and different between us? What if he doesn't find me attractive anymore? What if....Oh, lots of things! I guess I'm probably being really silly. It's only been 60 days or so since he left. We talk almost everyday. And neither of us could've physically changed that much. But still- I'm nervous. Also very excited. ;O)

11-19-98. Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, and I probably won't have time to update before then, I thought I'd make a list of the top 10 things that I am thankful for:

Jes' "Thanks List"

1. Extended sobriety.

2. A little sanity.

3. The ability to like myself again.

4. A boyfriend who loves me, AND acts like it.

5. All of my friends. This means the old ones who've stuck by me, AND the very special new ones.

6. My S-L-O-W-L-Y healing familial relationships.

7. An adult perspective. (Most of the time.)

8. Good health. Cheesy, but true.

9. A job with good pay.

10. Hope. :o)

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

11-20-98. This is a quickie for my friend Steve. He seems to be having trouble locating the Guestbook. In fact, he claims that it's not there at all. Well, it's right down there, buddy. Scroll down a little. Sheesh....

11-24-98. Well, I'm here. The plane was fine. It did, however, make me queasy. I'm okay, though. I'm so glad to be here!

12-01-98. I'm back in Buffalo. Yay. Can you sense my enthusiasm? But I've only got 28 1/4th days left here! :O) I'm sorry for the lack of updates while I was in NC, but- Well, I DID have better things to do. (And I had to fight Biff for the 'puter. He's addicted to Diablo.) At any rate, I really did have an awesome time. It's gorgeous there.

12-03-98. I'm all kinds of confused today. I've been thinking about religion. Christianity, to narrow it down a bit. Catholicism to be specific. See, my friend, "Zack," has just become a Catholic. Which is fine. I don't care WHAT religion my friends are. They can worship pocket lint, for all I care. But Zack's got me thinking. And Biff's had me thinking for awhile now. It all came to a head last night.

I am not a Christian. I DO have a religion. But I've been wondering lately if I'm not wrong in my choice of faiths- Which seems like a horrible thing to say. However, I've been questioning my faith an awful lot as of late. Questioning faith isn't necessarily a bad thing. After all, blind faith is for sheep. But I'm in a sort of quandry at the moment, the quandry being this: If I am having doubts about what I've always believed, thus not being sure that I fully believe it anymore, yet I cannot find a way to fully believe in the faith that is being presented to me more and more frequently, WHAT DO I BELIEVE IN?!? I feel kind of lost. Like I don't have anything to hold onto. And I'm not certain as to what course of action to take. Boy, is this messed up.

12-09-98. Biff, sweetheart, in reference to your guestbook entry- Why NOT Biff? Tell you what- You pick ANY name you want, and I'll change it, 'K?

01-02-99. Well, here I am in Sanford, NC. I guess I'm pretty happy about it. It's certainly warmer here. :o) Oh, you POOR Buffalonians...How I pity you. And of course Biff is here, which is the best part. I should have my drivers license (Yes, FINALLY.) by the end of the month. 'Bout time, since I've been eligable for five years now. The drive down was pretty wierd. We had to go through West Virginia.... Scary, scary, scary people inhabit that state. And the weather was pretty wacky. It was snowing the whole way here until we hit North Carolina. Then there was none. Yay!!! I guess the weather up north is getting pretty bad. I hope all my friends in PA and NY are okay. Anyhow, that's it for now.

01-08-99. Sorry I haven't had time to update a lot. There's so much stuff I've been trying to get done.... I'm waiting to get my birth certificate from the Bureau of Vital Statistics so that I can drive, and get a job. Yes, I'm going to get a job. If I don't find something to do during the day, I'm going to go smack out of my gourd. See, Biff works until 7pm, and leaves the house at about 9am. It takes him an hour to commute, which leaves me alone from 9am to 8pm. Is everyone grasping the idea of boredom? It's pretty isolated where we live. There's no chance of me walking anywhere, since DRIVING anyplace takes an hour. Unfortunately, the thing that's weighing most heavily on my mind isn't something to be shared- even in an anonymous internet diary. So, I guess I'll shut up now.

01-11-99. Mmmmm.... What to write about? Well, I've only been up for about an hour, so the only thing of note that's happened so far is accidentally- seriously, it WAS- finding porn in the history of the computer. Not a big surprise, as Biff likes his porn, (Sigh.) but we just had a discussion about cleaning out the history and cache after he's done looking at that stuff. I mean, we live with his parents, and it's THEIR 'puter. A little respect, right? Which means one of four things: He forgot, he wasn't listening to begin with, he doesn't care, or...it was his dad. *wrinkles nose* If anything else happens, I'll update, but today is fairly tame as of right now.

01-14-99. Yipee!! I got my learner's permit today. The picture even turned out really well. I guess I'm proud of myself. I was really nervous when I went in. I didn't think I'd pass. I just didn't feel "ready." Whatever that means. So that was a good thing. Let's see.... What else? Well, Biff and I had a good and- believe it or not- MEANINGFUL conversation last night. We talked about "us" and what we really need from each other, blah, blah, blah. Which was a very satisfying thing. I hate to sound like a typical "girly-girl," but I think that the phrase "We need to talk" actually does have it's place in a good relationship. And I don't mean at the end of it. Communication is healthy. As is forgiving the little things. I have to say that the most useful thing I've learned and put into practice lately is "picking my battles." Sure, everybody hears the saying all the time, but when you think about it, it makes sense. If I fight with Biff about all the little crap, then he'll feel too...henpecked?...to remain openminded about the important stuff. But anyhow, that's my little lecture for today. Bye.

01-21-99. So, I'm sitting on the front steps, smoking a cigarette, and I'm staring at this bush, which I think might be a rose bush or whatever, and it hits me. I'VE MOVED. I LIVE HERE NOW. This is not a vacation. It's not a dream, or some alternate reality. It's, like, my LIFE. I'm not going to look at the calander some morning and realize that I'm going home tomorrow, because THIS is home now. But I feel all wierd and disconnected, like I'm doing all this outside stuff that's supposed to be good, but inside I'm all screwed up, so who freakin' cares? Sometimes I sit around and think, and I feel seperated from everyone and everything. Like I'm smarter than everone else, or stupider. Or like maybe I know something that they don't, but I've forgotten what it is. And I want to talk to someone about things, but I don't know what to say, and besides, these... people... wouldn't understand anyway. And then I don't want to talk to anybody, because they'll just tell me that everything's okay, and try to make me feel "normal," but everything's not okay, and I don't WANT to feel "normal." Whatever the heck that is. I had a job interveiw this morning, and the guy asked me this question, "How do you handle criticism?" And, of course, I gave him some stupid answer that I don't remember and he ate it up. But I wonder, what if I'd told him the truth? That if you criticize me, I might just curl up into a little, fetal ball and stay catatonic for a long, long time? That I don't know what to do with negative responses? Anyhow, I'm all doped up on cold medicine, and this probably isn't making any sense anyhow, and besides, you're all thinking that I'm just too freaking wierd for words, so I'm out.

02-25-99. Okay, things are better. And they keep getting gradually better than this. So stuff is better. But I'm busy, so I'll have to fill ya'll in later.

03-10-99. Still busy;So sorry. But I DID have time to change the page for Saint Patrick's Day. Gorge yourself on Corned Beef and cabbage! Hug and kiss and be merry! Get your kicks on St. Paddy's (For the ignorant, that's March 17th.)'cause that's the only day where EVERYBODY gets to be Irish. Unlike lucky me. I get to be Irish every day. Anyhow, Erin go braugh!

03-31-99. Just enough time to update the page's look to spring-y. Happy bunny and egg days everyone!

04-01-99. Biff and I are trying to quit smoking. If you know us, you probably think this is some kind of great April Fool's Day joke. It is not. Biff began the terrifying task this morning. I have not taken that big, brave step thus far. I bought a pack of cloves the other day, and they are not gone yet. I love cloves and I am not going to waste them. Not to mention that the little suckers are expensive. But, alas, they will be gone in just a few hours, and I will begin the arduous journey of a nicotineless life. Yikes! I do not want to give up smoking. I like it. I've been smoking since I was eleven years old. Ten years now. Pretty much half of my life. I feel like I'm about to have a limb amputated. Oh, I'm going to do it, and I'm sure it'll be fine, but I'm not enjoying the prospect. To celebrate my fears, I will now go smoke a cigarette.

04-06-99. It's been six days now since I've had cigarette. I am not happy.

10-15-99. I know, I know...It's been awhile. I've been very busy. I got a new job, a new (used) car, new friends, a new apartment, etc., etc. Things have changed dramatically. That quitting smoking thing worked for about two weeks. I guess I just wasn't ready to give up my "social security blanket." I've been thinking about it again lately, but now probably isn't the best time. See, "Biff" told me recently (very recently) that we needed to "take a break." Ouch, ouch, ouch! I guess I understand; things have been really stressful in both of our lives, but oh, that hurt. I can't begin to tell you all how much pain that has brought me. I went into an immediate "pit of despair." I even started to slit my wrist, before I realized how moronic THAT would be. Now, don't worry folks- I'm not going to be "offing myself" anytime soon. I got over it. I just feel really rotten. That's pretty natural, I think, considering that the person I love best in the entire world has pulled away from me. What makes it especially hard is that he says that he still loves me. I still love him too. But he says that our love "isn't enough." I dunno what the hell IS enough, then, but we'll see what happens. We're having a Halloween costume party together, (It was planned a month ago- before this happened.) and we need to hang out to set that up. I love seeing him, but it HURTS to see him, too. Another thing that bothers me is wondering if he's thinking about, or even starting to, see other people. I just can't be okay with that thought. I don't think that he IS. I just worry about it sometimes. I know that for me, that isn't even an option right now. It's completely unfathomable. I've been hanging out with guys since we "took a break," but they're just friends. I'm not even remotely interested in any of them romantically or sexually. One guy, whom I've been hanging out with a lot, worries me a little. We'll call him "Mark." He's really nice, and I just hope he doesn't get the "wrong idea." I don't want anyone else to get "the wrong idea" either. Especially not "Biff." Oh, well. Keep looking for new entries. I'll let ya'll know what happens.

10-19-99. Well, all is going pretty well, considering. "Biff" and I got along just fine on Saturday. We got the decorations for our Halloween party and had lunch. He told me about school, and I told him about the NC State Fair and work. The conversation flowed along without too much discomfort. We went to church on Sunday (That's a whole different story, which I'll have to get into some other time.) and things went okay with that too. However, AFTER church, things did NOT go so well. See, after church, I decided to go visit my friend "Brad." (Mentioned in the entry for 11-04-98. He moved down here a few months ago.) I stopped for cigarettes and locked my keys in my car. Genius. Naturally, "Biff" has my spare (I have his, too.) so I had to call him to unlock my car. He came, but he didn't say a word to me. Seriously, NOT ONE WORD. He just came, got out of his car, unlocked my car, got back into his car, then left. I had/have no idea what his problem was. I certainly didn't do it on purpose. BUT- He did call me at work the next day to apologize. He said there was no reason for him to be acting that way (No sh*t!) and that he was/is sorry. Funny, 'cause I had already forgiven him. Of course I accepted his apology. I guess I haven't been quite myself lately either. We hung out briefly last night, too. I went over to "Brad's" to drop off a phone book, and "Biff" was there. I was going to leave right away, cuz I wasn't sure that they'd want me there, but, as I was walking away from the house, "Biff" called out and told me that I could stay awhile, if I wanted to. So I did. We had fun explaining teseracts, Mobias strips, and Kline's bottles to "Brad." So, as a whole, things are going okay with "Biff." I DO still miss him, and want him, and love him. Therefore, this is still SO hard. I hate it. I really, really do.

10-20-99. Truth be told, today is not a good day. I'm really feeling some nasty stuff. I just want this to be over. I feel like saying "Okay, I've learned my lesson. You can stop punishing me now. I'll be good." That's pretty f*c*ed up, I guess. I mean, I know this isn't a punishment. It's just what happened. But I've been tricking myself into thinking that I'm okay, and I'm not. So now it hurts just as bad as it did in hour one. This sucks.

10-22-99. Spent the day yesterday dealing with my car. On Thursday evening, it decided that it was going to leak antifreeze all over the place. I tried to get it home, but it broke down just outside of the city, so I had to spend the night on "Mark's" couch. (Another thing that I don't want people to get "the wrong idea" about.) Then, yesterday, I spent the entire day getting it fixed. But it should be all better now. Saw "Biff" last night and went out to dinner with a bunch of mutual friends. So wierd to be so happy to see him, but so sad and hurt and angry because of it. We talked for awhile afterwards, and it helped, but it also hurt a little. We were supposed to go to the state fair together tomorrow, but he just called and cancelled because his car broke down. Not his fault, but it sucks anyway. We were also invited to a party on Sunday. Wonder if he'll cancel on that too? I guess I'm just being mopey. I HATE THIS. I don't understand why things have to be this way. Oh, I know the "reasons." But try telling that to my heart.

10-25-99. Just going through the motions of being a "normal" human being. Work, eat, clean, pay the bills, hang out and pretend to have fun, sleep... do it all again. Breathe, remember to breathe. Pray. I still hate this. I still don't understand WHY. But I figure that it's going to work out. SOMEHOW, it's going to be okay- I hope. Everday is another tough one, though. Try not to think about "Biff" because it hurts, and it makes me cry. I'm so tired of crying. Don't look at those pictures- not that smile, not those lips, those hands. Don't hear that voice saying "I love you." Don't feel those arms around you. Don't remember that breath in your ear at night. Forget about that unfinished drawing in the closet. Don't call. Don't write. Don't visit. Don't ask questions. Don't hope. All that, I tell myself. And it does no good. It doesn't help.

10-26-99. According to the Bureau of Vital Statistics, there are 133,352,000 men in the United States. There are 139,526,000 women. Of those men and women, 82.3% are Caucasian, or "white." That brings the figures down to 109,748,696 men and 114,829,898 women. That means that in the U.S., "white" women outnumber "white" men by 50,8,1202. (Yes, I'm sure that my decimal places are all screwed up. You know what it's supposed to say. Let's not stray from the point.) That's 50,8,1202 women who won't have partners. Now, I know that we must consider other factors, such as homosexuality, inter-racial marriage, the people counted in the stats who are over 65, and under 18, those who will divorce and re-marry, die, choose to remain single, etc, etc. I haven't found numbers yet to figure all those in. And please don't send me hate mail about being a racist, or a bigot. I was just going for the typical, standard, "norm." Anyhow, I just thought that the stats were interesting.

10-27-99. Let me tell you all a story. It's my story for the past few days. A few days ago, I was asked to go to an open mike show with "Mark." A friend of ours was going to play. I wanted to go. The show was in Raleigh, which is where I work, but which is also 45 minutes from where I live. The show would be getting out too late for it to make sense, or be safe, for me to drive home. So, "Mark" offered to let me stay at his house. Now, I had done that once before, but it was an emergency situation (My car broke down.) and I had no choice. This was different, and I wasn't sure it was a good idea. I felt guilty, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. It felt disloyal to "Biff." I was afraid that he would be upset, angry, or think that something was going on between "Mark" and I. All this, even though I was just sleeping on someone's couch. So, I called a friend to "check my head." He assured me that I was doing nothing wrong. And I went. Still, I felt guilty. So I decided to tell "Biff" about it. Just in case he heard something that wasn't true. I didn't want him to "get the wrong idea." Last night, I pulled him aside from our group of friends. I tried to explain how I felt, but he was COLD. Like he didn't care. I wanted to tell him that I still love him, that I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't "messing around" with anyone, because I don't want anyone but him. But he barely listened. He interrupted me repeatedly. I never really got to say what I meant. I was hurt, and very, very angry. He finally yelled at me that he didn't want to be standing there talking to me anymore. He wanted to be with everyone else, inside. Then he stormed away. And I cried. I cried all evening, right in front of everyone. I sobbed, and sniffled, and I couldn't stop. He doesn't love me anymore, I thought. Maybe he never really did. He doesn't care, but I care, and it HURTS. Eventually though, I stopped crying. I realized that he doesn't have to care. And maybe he DOES care, but it doesn't matter. He wanted this, and I can't change it. But I will not tell him anymore that I love him. I won't tell him how I hurt. He knows, and even if he cares, it doesn't change anything. He gives no sign of caring in kind. So I will not allow him any more opportunities to give responses that increase my pain. That does not mean that I won't talk to him at all. It doesn't mean that I don't still desire his company, or that I won't/don't want to hang out with him. But I gave him the power to rip me up inside, and I'm taking it back. He doesn't have to love me. Someone will, someday. And so today I did some mental "cleaning." Purged myself, if you will, of little daily daggers. For example, some of my computer passwords were his name. That's been changed. When I get home, I will put away the pictures. I won't get rid of them, but they won't be on display. I will put his clothes away, until such a time that he may want them. And I will get on with my life, regardless of the pain. I acknowledge that I still love him, still care, still want him. But it's not going to change anything, so I'm leaving that alone. I will act despite my feelings. I know they are there, but I will not feed them anymore. He doesn't want me. I WILL get over it.

11-22-99. Okay, maybe he does love and want me. Things are just confused, I guess. It'll get worked out.

11-26-99. Well, here I am in Hampton, Virginia. I drove here all by myself. For six hours. In fog. I guess I'm pretty proud of myself. I've never driven anywhere that took more than 45 minutes before. Anyhow, I had Thanksgiving dinner with my brother, his mom, and his step-father. I had a really nice time. There were moments, of course, when I wished that "Biff" could be there. You know, to share a thought, or an observation, or a really pretty sunset. I'll have to be content for now with hope for the future, I suppose. At any rate, it WAS a good Thanksgiving. And if "Biff" and I were meant to be, we'll have many more to share.

11-30-99. So the other day, I'm at "Biff's" house. We're talking about Christmas, as in "What-do-you-want-I-dunno-What-do-you-want" type stuff. Now, how do you say "I want you. I want things to feel normal again. I miss you. I want "us." ??? Because right now, things are all confused and wierd. Not bad, but strange. It feels sort of like I'm pretending to be in denial. (Yes, very strange.) I love this guy, and he says he loves me, and we're trying to be friends, but it's pretty obvious that neither of us is REALLY content with that. So why do we have to do all this mucking around? I mean, yeah, sure, some things have changed and will continue to change, and SHOULD change. We've been doing a lot of work on ourselves, and it's GOOD. It isn't a bad thing at all. But I wonder if we couldn't find a way to continue that AND be together. Maybe, maybe not. I really don't know. I suppose there MUST be reasons for this. I know there must be. But I haven't been able to put my finger on it, and so I don't quite understand. I wish I did. But I DO know that it's gonna work out. It'll all be okay.

12-01-99. I have the worst cold. I feel awful. Anyhow, about "Biff"- Maybe he just wants a warm body. He says no, but maybe he doesn't realize that's what he wants. I want to think he loves me, but I'm afraid that I'm just fooling myself. I don't really think so, but I've been wrong before. I guess I need to give it more time. It's rotten, though, cuz I see him, and I want to hug him and say "I love you, ya know! Why are we doing this?" I know there are reasons, but I wonder if they are actually REASONS, if that makes sense. As always, this is hard. And Sebastian, "Biff" is not shady. We're both just a little messed up right now. Please don't diss him. I hate that.

12-02-99. Ya know, I didn't mean to make that sound like it did. It's not that "Biff" makes me FEEL like I'm just a warm body. He's said otherwise. I'm just over-analyzing the situation. I ought to just enjoy the good things when they happen. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do. That, and wait. Anyhow, my cold is gone-YAY-and I'm going to see the Pokemon (Love that stuff!) movie with "Biff" tonight. We'll have fun.

12-06-99. We DID have fun. And we're getting along really well. Maybe I just need to be patient. I can do that. I can at least give him that. I love him so much, though. It's hard to act like I'm totally content. But I can give him some time, if that's what he needs.

01-24-00. Well, I haven't had a lot of time to update my page lately. Sorry. Here are some brief highlights.... "Biff" and I are back together. It happened sometime before New Year's Eve. I'm not sure EXACTLY when, cuz it was pretty much an unspoken thing, but anyhow, I couldn't be more pleased. I love him very much, and 99% of the time, he makes me very happy. I got a new job. Now I sell computer systems. The weather here has been gross. More later....

5-23-00. Wowee! It's been a while, hasn't it? So much has happened. I'll just give you highlights, cuz details would take forever. I got a new job, which is why I'm able to update. (God bless the T1 line.) I'm a secretary/receptionist/go-to-girl/the only person in the entire office who knows squat about computers. (They need me.) I work for an international commercial cleaning company. The office is swanky, they throw one helluva awards banquet, and I think they like me. Not a bad deal, all in all. "Biff" and I are still together, and we're pretty happy, as far as I can tell. Oh, we still argue and get on each others nerves, but that's normal in any relationship, I think. We were in a car accident a little while ago. "The Porn Star" ("Biff's" car.) was killed. R.I.P. It wasn't our fault. We were making a left, and someone plowed into us at 45 mph. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. Sure, we were real damn sore for a few days, but we're okay. (We went to a Korn concert as soon as they let us out of the E.R. Yes, we're crazy.) Unfortunately, the girl that hit us is someone we know from church. (Patience, I'm getting to that.) Anyhow, "Biff" got a new car with the insurance money. It's a Geo Storm, midnight blue, and in really good shape. We've named it Sprocket. Okay, boys and girls, here comes the big one.... The Saturday before Easter, I became a Catholic. It's a long story, but it's working out just fine. That's about all the major stuff, I s'pose. It's summer here in NC now, 80s and 90s- supposedly it's gonna be in the 100s on Thursday. Things are going well, on the whole. We may go camping this weekend. Hopefully, I'll update soon and letcha'll know.

6-05-00. We did go camping, and it was fun. We went to a campground in Bergaw, NC. It's about 20 minutes away from Wilmington, which is right on the coast. Our friend, "Archie" lives there, so we went to visit him. "Archie," "Biff," our friend "Brent," and I went crabbing early Saturday morning. We caught 20, and ate some of them for dinner. The ones we didn't eat must've been sick, cuz they were filled with some kind of green goo. "Brent" accidentally ate 2 "dead man's fingers," but he seems okay. (Physically.) Sunday, we swam in the lake, went to the beach, survived a hideous afternoon thunderstorm (Throw everything in the tent and drive to Hardee's for lunch!), and generally had a good time. I liked it so much that I planned a birthday party (for me) similar to it. See, "Biff's" family reunion is on my birthday weekend, so I was planning a pre-birthday campout for the last weekend of June. I pretty much had it planned, had checked with all the prospective guests, etc, when "Biff's" mom reminded him that he has a 5 hour, mandatory Student Ambassador's meeting that weekend. (They're very proud- I guess they keep track of that sort of thing for him. Which is a good thing this time.) That really bummed me out, because I may not get to have it at all now. It seems that all of our weekends are taken up by something from now until August. Seriously! We planned to go to "South of the Border" (The tacky-but-cool tourist village- not Mexico.)& Myrtle Beach this weekend. (We are still going.) The weekend after that, my parents are coming to visit. Then, the next weekend is "Biff's" plan-crushing meeting. After that, of course, is the week of the 4th of July, which falls during the week. We're supposed to spend the holiday with "Biff's" friend "Dwayne." There's nothing planned for the weekend following that, so maybe we can have the campout then. But, then the next weekend, my friend "Stacy" is getting married, so there will be that to attend. Then, the weekend after is my birthday weekend, which will be spent at "Biff's" family reunion. The last weekend in July is still vacant. For now. At any rate, no matter when we have it, if we can't have it in June, two of my friends definitely can't come, cuz they're moving to other states. So I'm not terribly pleased with the way it worked out. Oh well. We'll have fun this weekend, anyway. :o) I'll write again soon.

6-21-00. We had a great time at Myrtle Beach. I even got something that, for me, could be considered a tan. Neat, huh? We went to a haunted house where "Biff" actually scared the kid who was supposed to scare us. Also, it was Senior Week, so the place was just teeming with crazed juveniles. Even they were kind of interesting, though. "Biff" finally bought himself a pair of shorts, even though they were a bit pricey. We crashed a hot tub. We ate at "Dick's Last Stand," which I really can't explain. You just have to go there. We also went to Ripley's Aquarium, which is SUPER COOL. They have this pool where you can pet the rays. Like Sting-Rays & Cow-Nose Rays. The Cow-Nose Rays are my favorites. They look like little ghosts. Anyhow, we did have a very nice time. Nothing terribly interesting has happened since then. Just work, sleep, and hanging out. Oh, yeah. My parents came to visit last weekend. That went okay, I guess. But that's about it.

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7-26-00. I remembered something from my childhood just now. When I was very little, maybe five, I had a little friend named Alex. He lived next door. Alex was/is the same age as me, and we played together all the time. I remember his mother making peanut butter play dough with us, and him trying to teach me to count in Spanish. (His parents are from Venezuala.) Alex was the only kid who'd play my favorite games with me. They seemed a little wierd to most kids, I guess. I liked to play Indians. But not Cowboys & Indians. I liked to go outside and pretend that we were an Indian tribe. I'd name myself Princess Tiger Lily (Too much Peter Pan for me, I guess.) and squash up berries for war paint. We'd scout from trees and do other "Indian things." Or we'd pretend to be fairies, or gypsies, or whatever. I'd get absorbed in some culture or fantasy and stay there for days. (Still kinda do sometimes, I suppose.) At any rate, one day Alex moved. I'm sure that someone told me about it long before the actual moving date, but time moves differently for children. When the moving vans were pulling away, it came as something of a shock to me. I remember wanting to give him something. But it had to be a good present. I ran up to his mom and told her that they had to wait for a minute. I don't know where Alex was at the time. Anyhow, what I came up with was rocks. So I picked the prettiest, neatest, wierdest rocks I could find out of our yard. I wrapped/rolled them up in some kind of vacation brochure and tied it with neon orange, plastic, construction ribbon. (The kind they use to mark property lines.) Then I ran and gave it to his mom to give to him. The moving van pulled away, and I cried. Alex only moved across town, and we ended up in classes together at school, but we were never really friends again. We got along at school, but we didn't play. Perhaps it had become that "Girls are icky" time for him, and maybe by the time he outgrew that, I had forgotten that he existed. But I do wonder if he got those rocks. And I wonder what he thought if he did. I'll bet his parents thought it was strange. I'm sure that incident says something about me. Maybe it says that I was one freaky little kid. Or maybe it says that, just once at least, I gave the very best gift I could think of. Imagination, magic, and the very nicest rocks in my yard.