Disclaimer: The characters are mine since this is an uber story.  This story contains some bad language, the idea of two women in love, some discussion on the aftermath of sexual assault (nothing graphic),  and some scenes of violence,  while not extremely graphic, they may be disturbing.  You have been warned.  Proceed at your own risk…..
 Comments etc…..e-mail Chakan
 
 
 
 
 

The Long Road to Morning

by Chakan
 
 
 

The cold January wind forced the solitary figure to pull her hood down over her face as darkness engulfed her retreating form.  There were no stars in the night sky and no light to guide the lone figure,  yet still she walked.  Boots crunched their way across newly fallen snow to a black Jeep Cherokee. The woman maneuvered her tall form into the
soft leather seat and inserted the key into the ignition. The engine grudgingly started in response to the turning key, and then she was gone...

                                                                         ******
 

Chapter 1

Pale blue eyes took note of the relatively empty café as their owner sipped her third cup of coffee.  At this hour most of the usual patrons were attending classes.  If not for a few scattered students and an older man wiping down the empty tables the place would have been empty.  Looking at her watch she realized she still had another full hour before her
next lecture.  She sighed and reached over to removed some papers from a near by briefcase.  She slowly shook her head in reponse to the amount of work that was before her.  Setting the papers in front of her, the blue eyed woman tried to focus, knowing there was only so much time to complete her tasks, but her mind kept drifting off in a million different directions.

At the age of 26, Lara McKenry was an assistant professor of Anthropology at a well renown state University.  It wasn’t a position she had expected to find herself in.  The entire concept of being a teacher was unfathomable to her.  Still trying to focus on the contents of the documents laid out in front of her, she couldn't stop her mind  from wandering. Her mind drifted to a time not so long ago when she too would have been at a lecture. She closed her eyes and tried to picture herself standing in front of a class giving a lecture, and despite the fact that no image came forth, she knew the reality was that she did it every day.  It was her job at the moment, and her mind insisted that it should be her first priority at the moment.  The young woman ran her fingers through her black tresses and turned her attention back to her work.

Lara took another sip of coffee and let her eyes roam the café.  The few students scattered around had their noses buried in books and notes.  They unconsciously drank their own coffee while remaining completely engrossed in their reading.  Lara expected no less from the students around her.  If it were her in their position she would have been doing the same.  It was early December and everyone on campus was diligently preparing for upcoming final exams.  Lara no longer needed to worry about taking the test, but rather the arduous task of constructing them.   Glancing once again at the stack of papers before her, she decided she would rather have been taking the test.

May 1998 had marked the end of one year of hectic field research on an island off the coast of Papua New Guinea.  Upon returning to the United States to analyze and publish her findings the young anthropologist received an offer to teach at a state university. It was an opportunity that would allow her to earn money and continue to work on her own
research. Before that offer she had never envisioned herself as a teacher, but nonetheless the end of August found her in a classroom giving her first Introduction to Cultural Anthropology lecture.  The young anthropologist thought it would assure her of no money concerns and therefore make her life alittle easier.

It was only now that she was realizing it may have been a mistake.  The job was both frustrating and time consuming. She missed the freedom of leading her own research project.  When she was out in the field the professor never knew what to expect on a given day. Teaching lacked the thrill of her field work.  She missed seeing different places and the various kinds of people that inhabited them.  Now it was always the same people in the same classroom.

Lara looked down at the documents before her once again.  The stack of papers she had been staring at for the last hour contained eight hundred possible questions for the final exam she would be giving in a few weeks.  She took another sip of her coffee and crossed out one possible question that struck her as particularly ridiculous.  That left only seven hundred and ninety-nine more questions until she would be finished and could get back to work on her own research.  A task which had been sorely neglected for over three months.  She hadn’t anticipated that teaching a lecture class would take up as much of her time as it did.  Writing lectures, grading assignments, and responding to students questions took up more time than the blue eyed woman ever imagined.  Lately she found herself often wondering how those who taught her ever managed it.  To Lara, teaching was a necessary evil.  Those who would replace the many who left the work force each year needed to learn their jobs somehow, and for that there had to be teachers.

She looked at her watch again and found she still had another half hour left before her next class.  Lately it seemed that time had come almost to a standstill.  The closer Lara got to being free from obligation, the longer it seemed to drag on.  Once again she tried to focus on the job before her.  The professor began her fourth cup of coffee and simultaneously eliminated three more questions. As the afternoon rush of patrons began to fill up the small café Lara began to toss her work into the briefcase with the intention of spending her remaining half hour hidden away in her office. Perhaps a more quiet environment would aid her in her endeavors. She had begun reaching for her briefcase when her progress was halted by a familiar voice that called out her name.

Lara's normally stoic features lit up as she watched her mentor make his way through the crowded café. Professor Robert Jenkins was the chairman of the universities Anthropology department. In his late sixties he had spent the last twenty years teaching various courses on kinship and religion.  The distinguished professor had been appointed head of the anthropology department only a few months before Lara  had been offered a teaching position. Having had him for a professor numerous times throughout her college career, Lara held the professor in high regard.  She had even gone out with him to do field work on a number of occasions.  It was only because he had recommended her for the teaching job
that she felt any desire to be successful at it.  Her loyalty to the older man prohibited her from being uncaring of how much she put into the job.

Jenkins walked briskly over to the table Lara had been about to vacate.  "Morning  Lara.  Or is it afternoon now?" he inquired as he sat down across from the dark haired woman.

"Hmmm...pretty sure will still have some morning left in this day." The young professor answered him with a smile.

"So how are things going with the class?"  Jenkins inquired.

Lara sighed and put her head in her hands, staring pensively at the table for a few moments. Wavering between her fear of letting the older man down and the need to hear his advice the young woman finally looked up to meet her mentors warm eyes. "Do you want the honest truth Robert?"  The older man nodded his assent.  "Not very well.  I just don't think
I am cut out for teaching." She shook her head briefly and smiled at the experienced professor.  "I really don't know how you've managed to do this all these years."

Jenkins smiled to himself briefly before his brown eyes met pale blue.  "At first, I didn't think I wanted to spend my time teaching either." The older man held his arms out for emphasis before continuing  "But here I am" he said.  His smiling face revealing just how much he enjoyed what he was doing with his life.

Lara grinned in response.  "Maybe you can tell me your secret one of these days." She asked

"Perhaps." The older man replied with a chuckle.  "But first, there's something I need to discuss with you."

Taking a sip of her now luke-warm coffee, Lara waited for the Professor to continue.

"Over the winter break I am teaching a field work course to a small group of students. They will all be  beginning their own for the first time this summer.  I was wondering if you could spare a day or two just to speak to them about your own experiences."

Lara thought for a second.  "Yeah I guess that wouldn't be a problem." She paused and chuckled briefly  "By then I may actually have had a chance to start analyzing my research again.  So tell me some more about this class of yours."

He cleared his throat.  "Well, it is basically a refresher course for them on proper research methods. I also want the students hear some first hand accounts of work in the field, besides mine. Which is why I will be having you and another speaker come in."

Lara looked puzzled for a moment.  "Another speaker? Who are you getting to come in?"

Jenkins replied, "A student of mine who received  her BA last year. She is just finishing up her first time out in the field.  I thought it would be good for the students  to hear about it from someone who has just experienced it for the first time.  I also want her to get some experience speaking in front of a class. She'll be instructing one of the 100 level
courses next semester while she starts working on her masters."

Lara glanced at her watch and started gathering her belongings  "Well, that would definitely be good for both the class and your grad student." She swung the strap of her bookbag over her shoulder and stood up from the table.  "About when do you expect you would want me to come and speak to the class?"

Jenkins stood up from the table and immediately felt dwarfed next to the taller woman. "I'm planning on having the speakers start towards the beginning of the class.  Probably around December 29th or so.  Why don't you come by my office later this afternoon and we can discuss it some more?"

Lara considered and then told the older man she would see him sometime after her next lecture.  The two said their good-byes and headed off in separate directions each with their own obligations to fill.
 
 
 

Chapter 2

Kate woke up to the sun in her eyes.  "That’s what I hate most about this place, I can’t even sleep" she said as she pulled the covers off her slender body.  She rubbed her eyes, pushed her long blond hair out of her face and got up to start the day.

The small apartment was hardly fit for one person.  A mattress lay in the far corner, covered in disheveled blankets.  A small stove with two small cabinets above it, a sink, and a refrigerator sat opposite the bed. Wedged between them was a beat up old table with two chairs.  The only other noticeable belongings in the room, were a small dresser and a CD
player with a short stack of CD’s lying beside it.

After her shower. Kate walked into the main room.  First, she headed to the refrigerator knowing she wouldn’t find much there.  It was only her eighth day back from Tanzania, where she had been helping research the religions of various native cultures for well over six months. Now she had come back to the United States to begin work on her doctorate,
also taking a teaching job to put her through school.  The job wouldn’t give her enough money to move into a better place, but at least it would pay the bills she already had.  The small apartment she now lived in was the only place she could find quickly that she could afford.  She moved into it her second day back, bringing only the meager belongs that she
had taken with her to Tanzania.

After a further inventory of her refrigerator and cabinets, the young woman sat down at the table with a box of Count Chocula cereal.  She had debated on whether or not to eat the cereal, seeing as though she had no milk.  Now she was wishing she had picked up a few more things when she had stopped at the 7-11 her first day back.

Her new teaching job wouldn’t begin until the end of January, so she intended to spend this day out looking for a job until then. A phone call the night before had altered her plans.  Instead of job hunting, she was going down to the state university to speak to a professor she hadn’t seen since she received her BA.  Kate was surprised to find out that he was
now teaching at a new school.  She was even more surprised that he had actually thought of her to fill a guest speaking position. When Professor Jenkins realized that she was going to be instructing one of the courses next semester, he wanted to give her a chance to get in front of a class.   Kate knew she would enjoy the opportunity to speak
about her first experiences out in the field.

Kate finished her cereal and put the bowl in the sink.  Gathering up her belongings, she looked over to the phone that sat atop the small refrigerator.  She still hadn’t called any of her family or friends to tell them she had returned from Tanzania.  She didn’t want to face any of them right now considering everything that had happened before she left.  It
would be at least another week before anyone would really start to suspect she was back.  As she grabbed her keys and coat and opened the front door, Kate decided she would just enjoy what little time of peace she had, and deal with them later.

                                                                            ********
 

Kate sat in her mothers immaculate kitchen, restlessly twisting the diamond ring on her left hand.  Numerous members of  her family would be arriving shortly to celebrate Kate receiving her BA in Anthropology.  Her mother never could pass up an excuse for a party.  This, of all days, wasn’t the day she wanted to see them.  This wasn’t the day she wanted to see James.

Ever since Kate was a little girl, her parents had always pushed for her and James to be together.   In Kate’s eyes, he was her best friend and the boy who lived around the corner.  When he had asked Kate to be his date to the prom in High School she had said yes, just so that she would not hurt her friend. There hadn't been  anyone she wanted to go with anyway.   Her mother couldn’t have been happier.  At the end of the night, James had leaned in to kiss her and  not knowing how to react, she had just stood there.  The next thing she knew she was sitting in her mother’s kitchen with an engagement ring on her finger.

Kate and James had been engaged for four years now.  When Kate accepted the ring, she had said that she didn’t want to get married until she finished her bachelor’s degree.  What Kate was really thinking was that by the time four years had gone by she would have found a way to let her friend down easy and hopefully not break his heart.  She hadn’t found it.  Instead, she signed up to assist a well-known Anthropologist who was conducting a study in Tanzania.  Her flight was leaving in less than a week and she still hadn’t told her family.

Soon the whole family would be there and Kate would have to listen to her mother endlessly discuss her impending wedding with every relative in attendance.  The thought of it made her wish for some kind of escape.  She was so tired of living a lie, even if she hadn’t realized how much of a lie it was until the night before…

Kate and her friend Emma  headed out to celebrate earning their degrees.  They went to a local bar and were having a few drinks. In Kate’s case it was more than a few, as she would realize later.  The pair sat and talked about their future plans and Kate decided to tell Emma of her intentions to leave and assist in the Tanzania project.

Emma gave a short laugh.  "You don’t want to assist in anything, you just want to get away from James, I know you"

Kate’s sad green eyes met her friends brown one's.  "I know.  I can’t seem to find the right words to tell him, so I keep running away.  I can’t even figure out why I don’t want to marry James. He’s a wonderful guy and my best friend…but it’s like…"

"He’s like a brother to you, not a boyfriend" Emma cut in and Kate nodded her assent.  "It’s ok to feel that way, but you need to tell him.  Knowing the truth isn’t going to hurt him as much as living with a lie is.  It’ll be ok Kate. Really, it will."

Kate put her head down on the bar for a few moments, then looked up at the bartender and ordered another Jack and Coke.  "I think I’m more afraid of my mother’s reaction then I am of James’ Em.  She’s wanted this for me all my life.  If I don’t go through with it I’ll be breaking both their hearts.  It’s just so hard…"  she cut her sentence of as a tear rolled
down her cheek, and she looked up into Emma’s sympathetic eyes.  "Thanks for being here for me Em… you’re a good friend."

Emma smiled and then turned around as she heard the door open. Kate glanced over to where Emma was looking and juststared.   A tall woman, about six-foot with long black hair, had entered the bar.  Her blue eyes scanned the room and settled on an unoccupied stool at the far end of the bar.  She moved through the people, sat down and ordered a scotch.
Kate continued staring at the newcomer; she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.  Green eyes drank in the sight of the raven-haired goddess.  Eventually her brain caught up to her eyes and she turned away quickly, a slight blush creeping up her neck.  She missed the pale blue eyes staring back.

Emma watched the entire exchange, slightly bewildered and very amused.  The young woman quickly realized why her friend had no interest in marrying James, or any other man for that matter.  She briefly  wondered if Kate realized it too.  What none of them realized was that another figure had also seen Kate’s reaction to the blue eyed woman, and they
had quickly disappeared out of the bar.
                                                                                *******
The first of her relatives had started arriving.  Kate remained seated in the kitchen, trying hard to not think about the raven-haired beauty from the bar last night.  Unbeknownst to Emma, Kate had realized right then and there the real reason she didn’t want to marry James.  Sadly, she knew she would never be able to make her family understand.  Kate
wasn’t even sure if Emma would understand.  What was scarier,  was that she wasn't sure if Emma already knew.

Kate heard the kitchen door open as her older brother, Ron entered the room and sat down at the table across from her.  The look on his face was unreadable, but  Kate knew she probably wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. Ron looked her in the eyes and opened his mouth to speak. "I saw you at the bar last night."

"And?" Kate asked, fearing that she may already know the reason for the look on her brother’s face.

"You were staring at that woman like some kind of…" He cut the sentence short.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Ronnie.  I was just sitting around drinking with Emma."  Kate answered as she heard the kitchen door open yet again.

Emma walked in, "Did I hear my name mentioned?" she asked.

"Ron and I were just discussing the fact that you and I were at a bar last night.  It seems he was there but didn’t bother saying hi to us."  She tried to make the comment sound light, but she wasn’t sure if her nervousness  was coming through in her voice.

"Ok, fine." Ron turned his questioning gaze onto his sister's friend "You were there Emma, so let me ask you.  Did you see her leering at the tall woman that walked in last night?" Ron inquired.

Emma hoped she could play this off, for her friends sake.  "What woman?  There had to be at least fifty of em' going in and out while we were there.  It is a bar Ronnie."

"Whatever." Ron stated standing up.  "Deny it all you want, but I know what I saw.  If I’m wrong, then it won’t mean a damn thing if I go tell James then.   Will it Katy?"

Kate exhaled deeply and looked her brother straight in the eyes and said "Do whatever you want Ron.  Why should I care if you make a fool of yourself."

Ron didn’t respond.  For a second he just stood there and looked at his sister with disgust.  Turning away from the table, he shot a look at Emma that could only mean "bitch", which she responded to by mouthing a few choice words back at him. Then he walked out of the kitchen.

Kate’s head hit the table with an audible thump.  Emma stood silent for a moment and then placed her hand on her friend’s back and said, "Don’t listen to that asshole.  I doubt he’s got the balls to go walking up to James and saying anything anyway.  And even if he did, so what?  It’s not like you are really gonna marry him. "  Emma watched as her
 friend stood. "C’mon now, let's go to this shindig your mother is putting us all through.

A light snow had begun falling.  Kate decided to stop at the 7-11 by her house now rather than have to worry about picking up her essentials later.  She knew that at the very least she needed milk, bread, and something to pass as dinner since she wasn’t sure when she would be arriving home from her meeting with Professor Jenkins.  As she pulled into a
parking space, she noticed a familiar car.  As her hand moved to put her vehicle in reverse, she realized it was too late.   Emma had spotted her.
                                                                                    *******
As the party progressed into the evening, Kate had no idea that her brother truly intended to follow through on his threat.  Shortly after Kate and Emma had left the kitchen, James had walked up to them and had been at Kate’s side ever since.  Emma also stayed, attempting to keep Kate from having to spend any time alone with James, knowing that her
friend really wasn't up to it.

Meanwhile, Kate had many thoughts of her own going through her mind.  She knew she would soon have to tell her family about her upcoming excursion to Tanzania.  Her mother would not take it well, since the plans for the wedding were almost done.  Her mother fully intended to hold the ceremony before summers end.  Kate also wondered if Emma had
been serious when she said she hadn’t recalled the woman from the bar. Kate was pretty sure that Emma had seen the whole thing. Asking her might reveal too much, and Kate wasn’t sure how Emma would react to finding out her best friend’s orientation.

Kate herself wasn’t sure how to react.  She was surprised that she hadn’t realized it sooner, but even if she had, it probably wouldn’t have changed much.  She would still be here with James at her side; her mother telling them what a cute couple they make.  She looked at James.  He wasn’t a bad looking guy, with short brown hair and a warm, friendly
smile.  His personality made him someone that Kate was glad she knew.  He was a great friend, and a loving person.   "Who wouldn’t want to marry a man like that?" she thought to herself.   A lot of women would have been happy to find a guy like James.  Kate found it funny that another person’s heaven had turned out to be her own personal hell.

As the night began winding down and relatives began to leave, Emma and Kate decided that they would venture off to a new club that had opened not too far from Kate’s mother’s house.  Kate went off to find James, so that she could say good-bye to him before heading out with Emma. She walked into the kitchen and found him in the middle of an argument
with her mother and brother.

"Katy, tell your brother it isn’t true!" her mother demanded.

"Tell him what isn’t true?" Kate asked, not wanting to appear as if she knew what was be going on.

Her mother cried out "Tell him that you aren’t one of them…unnaturals."

 "I won’t have you saying such things about Kate, Ron" James interjected.

"Yeah? Well, your future wife is gonna leave your ass and go running after the first thing she sees with a pair of…"

"SHUT UP!" Kate screamed. The whole room went silent and it's occupants just stared at her.   The scream made Emma come running into the house, to see what all the commotion was about.

Kate was so tired of all the lying and the worrying about what they would think of her that she suddenly lost it.  "Ok, here’s the deal.  I am only saying this once and that is it.  I am so sick and tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be.  Mom, I love you and I’m sorry, but I have not grown up to be the person you wanted me to be. " Kate turned to
her soon to be former fiancé,  "James, you have always been one of my best friends.  I value that friendship and because I do, you deserve the truth.  I love you, but I am not in love with you.  I am so sorry that I led you on, but I was just so afraid of hurting you that I…"

"Like I said, little sister’s a dyke." Ron said with a sneer.

"Ronnie, my sexual orientation has nothing to do with any of this.  I don’t want to get married and that’s all there is to it.  SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Kate screamed and started to leave the room.

"So" Ron said, a sadistic grin plastering his face, "I noticed you didn’t deny it."

Watching the exchange between her two children, Kate's mother finally broke in.  "Katy please, think about what you are doing to yourself"

Kate turned to her mother, "For once in my life, that is exactly what I plan on doing." and with that she walked out of the room.

                                                                                    *******
Kate went straight to her room and locked the door.  She grabbed a back pack and a suit case and started packing the rest of the things she would need for her trip to Tanzania.  Once done, she grabbed two already packed duffel bags out of the closet and threw them over her shoulders.  She picked up the backpack and the suit case and headed out of her
bedroom door.

As she walked down the stairs that lead into the living room, she saw her mother standing in front of the sofa.  Emma was seated on the other side.  James and Ron were nowhere in sight, which she was thankful for.

"Where do you think you’re going young lady?" her mother asked as she crossed the final step.

"I’m leaving to do field work in Tanzania for six months."  Kate told her, no longer caring what her mother had to say about this sudden change in plans.

Her mother closed the short gap between the couch and the bottom of the stairs. "Be honest with me Katy, is what your brother told us true?" her mother inquired.

"And if it is mother? What are you going to do about it?  Are you gonna throw me out?" Kate gestured with the packed bags she held in both hands,   "I’m already leaving"  Kate stated.

"We need to talk about this Katy, please, don’t just leave like this. Maybe you can get help?" Her mother placed a pleading hand on her daughters arm.

"I don’t need help mother" Kate responded shrugging off her mother's hand as she walked out the door.  "I need a life of my own."
 
 

Chapter 3

Kate hadn’t seen or  spoken to any one of them since that day.   Now, over six-months later,  Emma was approaching her car.  Kate froze, not knowing what she should do.  Going with her first instinct to run,  the young woman slammed  the car into reverse, but she wasn't quick enough. Emma reached the car and pulling the passenger door open she flung herself into the passenger seat before Kate could make her escape.

"Not so fast there,  Katy" Emma said. Knowing that she had been caught and there was no way out of it, Kate put the car back in drive and inched it back into the parking space.  She turned off the ignition and turned to face her friend.  "Where do you get off leaving without saying good-bye to your best friend?" Emma asked, the hurt clearly evident in
her voice.

Kate closed her eyes and swallowed.  "I wasn’t even sure I still had a best friend, Em.  Not After everything that happened."

"Well, if you’d stuck around for a few more minutes to see me tell your mother off and punch your brother in the face, you wouldn’t have had a doubt in your mind Kate."  Emma answered with a grim smile.  "So where did you run off to? You still had a few days before you were supposed to leave.  I looked all over for you."

Kate suddenly realized just how wrong she had been about her friend.  "I stayed in a motel for a couple days until it was time to go." Kate told her.  "I used a fake name and kept my car hidden.  I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Em.  I was just so scared I..I" crying she could no longer speak, the sobs wracking her body.

Emma wrapped her arms around her friend and let her cry for a few minutes.  Emma was hurt that Kate didn’t know her well enough to understand that nothing would ever come between  their friendship.  She let it go though, realizing that Kate must have been too afraid of losing everything to think logically about it.  Now, Emma was just thankful that she had decided to stop at the 7-11 on her way home from work.

Kate finally looked up to meet Emma's patient gaze.  Wiping her tear stained eyes with the back of her hand, the young woman smiled softly at her best friend. "I missed you" she said to Emma.

"I missed you too Kate." Emma said, smiling back at the blonde in front of her.  "I hope that trip was well worth being away from your best friend for six months."  Emma said, with a slight chuckle.

"It was alright" Kate said, shrugging her shoulders a bit. "But nothing is worth my best friend."  Kate reached out and embraced her friend in a grateful hug.

"Well, I’m glad to hear that." Emma said as she returned the gesture.  They parted and Kate returned to her side of the car.  The nervous tension that had been present in the young woman's eyes when she had first spotted her oldest friend was now gone, replaced by the warm, caring individual Emma had always known.  "So what are you up to today my friend?" Emma asked.

"I have a meeting to go to at the state college with one of my old professors.  He wants me to speak at one of his winter classes about my first experience out doing actual research." Kate told her.  "I was just stopping here to pick up a few things so I could eat dinner tonight."

"Well, why don’t you skip out on dinner by yourself tonight and you and me can go have dinner together someplace. I can hear all about your adventures in Tanzania and I can tell you all about working a cash register for six months.  Deal?"

"Deal." Kate responded, giving her friend one last hug before she exited the car.    They agreed to meet at a local diner around eight o’clock that night.  Emma got into her own car and left the parking lot. Kate followed Emma's car out of the store's lot and  headed towards the university, for a  meeting that she was already going to be late for.  The young
woman forgot about the bread and milk entirely.
                                                                                    *******
With her lecture over, Lara was in her office trying to decide which questions she would include on the final.  She briefly remembered when she was younger and she had thought that teachers had it so easy.  "Well," she decided, "I was definitely wrong about that one.  Maybe I should send a thank you card to every teacher I ever had."  The Professor went through the documents a few more times, managing to eliminate several possible questions.  Pausing for a moment, she stretched in her chair and decided she would head down to the café for another cup of coffee.  Glancing at her watch, Lara realized she still had a while before she had to head over to Jenkins office to discuss the details of what he wanted her to do.  With the decision made, she closed up her books, put them in her briefcase and
went off in search of her fifth cup of coffee.

Walking through the deserted halls, Lara made her way slowly through the building on her way to the café.  Since she didn’t really have anywhere she had to be, She paused to look out the windows that overlooked the parking lot.  It was a check she made several times daily, just to reassure herself that her car was intact.  As her pale blue eyes quickly swept
over her vehicle, she saw a young woman running through the parking lot towards the door.  Lara stopped her inventory and watched the young blond, who looked strangely familiar, run through the doors and head in the opposite direction, where she disappeared around a corner.

Lara shook her head to clear the sudden sense of deja vu she was feeling.  Glancing briefly back to where the blonde had disappeared,  she headed into the café, deciding that she just needed another cup of coffee.  She retrieved her coffee and headed back out the way she had come in, part of her mind still trying to recall where she had seen the young blond before.  She leaned up against the wall and took a sip of her drink, and then she remembered.
                                                                                *******
Lara had just arrived home after a year of research in Papua New Guinea.  Her apartment was just as she had left it.  She had paid up the rent in advance and given the superintendent extra with a promise of even more, just to make sure it stayed exactly as she left it.  She looked over to her answering machine to see the red light blinking, knowing it had been blinking the day she left.  The day Sandra left her.

She wasn’t really surprised by it, she had seen it coming months before.  It was one of the reasons she had started looking for grant money to fund a research project in the first place.  She was almost finished with the publication of her research from two years prior and didn’t have anything else lined up.  The stress from her professional life was spilling over into her personal life, and the relationship was suffering because of it. At least, that’s what Lara thought the problem was.  She knew that once she found the money for her next trip out into the field, Sandra would jump at the opportunity to leave her.

The moment the money was available,  Lara called her lover and left a message on Sandra’s machine telling her that she had gotten the grant and would be leaving shortly.  Sandra had been away on business herself and was unreachable, otherwise she would have told her in person.  Knowing she wouldn't be there by the time she got back, Lara had left a short and simple message on the machine.  But, she didn’t really think it would matter anyway.

As Lara was walking out the door to head to the airport the phone rang.  She stood still in the doorway and listened to the machine pick up and her message recite.  As she heard the words, "Hi Lara, listen it’s me Sandra…" she stepped out and closed the door, locking it up behind her and heading for her car and a flight that would take her oceans away from
here.

Now Lara was back home again, standing in front of the answering machine debating on whether or not she should even play it.  An entire year had gone by and she wasn’t sure she should even bother looking back.  Somehow, deep down in her gut she knew she didn’t want to hear what as on that recording, but her finger reached out and hit the play button
anyway…

" Hi Lara, listen it’s me Sandra.  Listen, since you are leaving anyway, I guess I should give you the truth.  I’m not on a business trip, I’m having an affair…"

Smash.

Lara gazed across the room at the broken answering machine and then picked up her keys and walked out the door.

After driving around for a long time, she found herself outside an unfamiliar bar that was rather far from her apartment.  She wasn’t sure if she’d ever been there before, but figured the place was as good as any for a drink right then.  She walked in and located an empty stool at the far end of the bar and ordered a scotch.  As she did she felt, rather than saw, someone’s eyes on her.  She looked in the direction the stare was coming from and caught a glimpse of emerald eye's as a girl with blond hair quickly turned away.

 Lara took a moment to look at the blonde's profile and realized that the girl was quite beautiful.  She briefly debated going over to talk to her, but having felt enough rejection for one day, she didn’t want to take the chance that she had misread the look she had received.  Instead, the raven-haired beauty decided to keep her seat and work on her glass of scotch.  It would be the first of many that night.
                                                                                    *******
Lara stood and took a few sips of her coffee, amused by the fact that she was actually considering standing around the hallway to wait and see if the blonde came back.  She couldn’t understand why this woman sparked such an interest in her.  This was the first night she had seen her since the night in the bar, but it wasn’t the first time blond hair and green eyes had invaded her thoughts.  She could recall a number of occasions when the blond had appeared either in her mind or her dreams. Even now, she felt the nervous fluttering of her heart and the perceptible shift in her own body temperature as her palms began to sweat.

No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t make sense of it.  What was it about this girl that had her so fascinated?   She searched her mind for anything that might give her a clue, but came up empty.  Leaving the puzzle to be considered later,  she mentally shrugged her shoulders and began walking to Jenkins’ office.

When she reached Jenkins door, she could hear two voices inside.  The door was partially open and she could see Jenkins was in the middle of a discussion with the blond.  She quickly debated if she should interrupt them or just come back later, her curiosity concerning the other woman forced her to opt for the former.

"Come in" Jenkins responded to the light knocking on his door.  He looked up from his conversation and met Lara’s eyes.  "Ah, Professor McKenry, please come in.  I’m glad you decided to drop by now."  Jenkins gestured to an empty chair.  "Here have a seat."

As Lara sat down, she could feel the blonde’s eyes on her.  She put on her best professional front and willed herself to calm down.   Not that she had the faintest idea as to why she was so nervous.

"Here, let me introduce you two." Jenkins jumped in and said.  "Professor Lara McKenry, this is Kate Wilson.  Kate is going to be our newest 100 level instructor.  She’s the one I mentioned to you when we talked about my winter prep course.  Kate, Professor McKenry will be the other guest speaker in attendance."

"Hi.  It’s a pleasure to meet you" Kate said to Lara, reaching out to shake her hand.

 "Likewise." Lara replied, hoping that her palms weren't nearly as clammy as she feared they were.  Staring into those green eyes, which were now only inches away from her own, Lara suddenly stopped caring about everything else around her.  The professor drifted in Kate's warm gaze and felt herself smiling at the younger woman.

Kate’s mind was reeling.  She couldn’t believe she was actually shaking hands with the same woman who had been sitting down the bar from her that night so many months ago.  Of all the scenarios Kate could have imagined for this day, the last thing she would have pictured was that she'd be siting beside the raven-haired beauty who had changed her life.

"Well," Jenkins said, breaking the silence that had gone on for perhaps a bit to long, "As I was just explaining to Kate, when you talk to the class I want it to be on more of a personal level instead of a technical one.  Through the years they have had a lot of technical training, but it is very important that they get a feel for what it’s like out there." The older
man shook his head briefly and tried to suppress the smile that was threatening to break through.  He watched the two young woman before him, both lost in their own thoughts and occasionally darting quick glances at the woman seated next to them, "Anyway, what I really want to know is if either of you have any questions pertaining to this?"

Kate said that she had no more questions, as did Lara.  They both shook Jenkins hand as he told them that they would be hearing from him shortly.  He then wished Lara  good luck with planning her exams and bid them both good-bye.   Shutting the door after the departed woman, Professor Jenkins let out a deep laugh as he mentally gave himself a pat on
the back for his unintended match making ability. Even though, fate truly deserved more credit than the seasoned teacher did.

Both women began walking down the same hallway in silence, both caught up with their own thoughts.  Lara couldn’t decided how she wanted to handle the situation now that she had the opportunity to talk to the pretty blonde alone.   Kate, on the other hand was still in shock that the vision that haunted her dreams for months was now walking beside her.
                                                                                    *******
Kate was lying on a cot in a drafty tent.  It was only her second night in Tanzania and sleep continued to elude her.  She hadn't been able to ever since the fight with her family.  Kate didn’t even know if Emma would ever speak to her again, that thought seemed far worse than not speaking to her mother or brother ever would.

Emma and Kate had met their freshman year of High School and had been  best friends ever since.  The two were a odd match, since on the outside they had little in common.  Kate was very reserved and academic, while Emma was more outgoing and athletic.  The friendship grew more out of their common background.  Both came from upper middle class
families and both had dealt with the pain of losing their fathers at a very young age.

Kate’s father had been killed when she was five-years-old by a drunk driver.  She had few, but fond memories of the man that she called Daddy.  She always wondered how different her life would have been if he had been there.  Her mother was becoming more and more emotionally distant over the years.  It was rare that Kate even thought of her as
"Mom" anymore.

Then Emma came along and finally, Kate had someone that felt the same sadness and pain that she did.  Emma’s father had mysteriously died leaving only her and her mother, unlike Kate who did have a sibling.  Kate was the sister Emma never had, and told her so on many occasions.  Thinking back to all the times Emma had said that to her, it was no wonder Kate couldn’t sleep.

Eventually Morpheus would win out, and Kate would drift off into a light sleep.  It was nights like these that the dreams started.  A vision of a raven hair and pale blue eyes would invade her sleep.  Before she could stop it,  the mysterious woman had begun to creep into her dreams and into her heart.
                                                                                *******
Lara realized that she could no longer deny that she was somehow being drawn to the young woman beside her.  She  couldn’t bring herself to give up what might be her only chance to talk to her, so she decided to try to start up a conversation, anything that might keep her nearby for a little longer.  "So, where did you do your field work?"

Kate was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t here the other woman speak.  "Um, hello, Ms. Wilson?" Lara inquired again.

Upon hearing her name Kate was snapped back to reality. "Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s been a very hectic day."  She felt like an idiot, daydreaming about the woman when she was standing right next to her.  "If she only knew where my mind was off to." She thought to herself.

"It’s no problem" Lara replied politely.   "I was just inquiring as to where you did your field work."

"Tanzania" Kate stated.  "We were researching the local religious practices."

"That sounds really interesting, I’d love to hear about it if you have time.  Could I interest you in a cup of coffee Ms. Wilson?  Lara asked.

"Hmmm…" Kate considered.  "On one condition.  Stop calling me Ms. Wilson and call me Kate, your making me feel like I’m my mother."  She made a face and stuck out her tongue.  "Ms. Wilson…makes me feel like I’m on my way to a PTA meeting or something.  Yuck."

"Ok Kate, you got a deal" The blue eyed professor responded.  "But you have to call me Lara."

Kate didn’t respond with an answer, instead she just smiled as they walked towards the parking lot.  The pair continued to make polite conversation about the weather and where they should meet for coffee.  After looking at her watch and realizing it was already six p.m., Kate suggested the restaurant she was supposed to meet Emma at for dinner to make
sure that she wasn’t late, all the while hoping Emma would be late.
 

Chapter 4

"…So, anyway, enough about my experiences in Tanzania.  Do I get to learn something about you?"  Kate asked, she smiled inquisitively at her raven-haired companion. They had been discussing Kate’s fieldwork for over an hour, but Kate had learned little about the woman in front of her and her curiosity was becoming unbearable.

"Hey, I’m just helping you practice for your big lecture to Jenkins’ class." Lara said jokingly.  "I don’t need practice, I lecture all damn day.  Its nice to just sit back and listen to someone else talk for a change."

"Well, I’m glad you find me entertaining." Kate said with a smile.  "Will you at least tell me something about the school, since I'll be teaching there next semester?"

"Do you want me to be honest?" Lara asked. When Kate nodded she continued, "I’m really not that into teaching.  I took the job when I got back from a research project near Papua New Guinea.  It was supposed to be something for extra income while I worked on publishing my research.  It turned out to be more work than I expected and now I’m months behind on my research." Lara sat back in her chair and ran a hand through her long black tresses; the frustration over the delay in her work was evident in her face.

"Then I can understand why you aren’t fond of teaching.  I wouldn’t be happy with something that was getting in the way of what I really wanted to be doing." Kate said nodding her head as she spoke. The young woman began thinking about how she hadn't been too thrilled with the people who had been getting in the way of what she really wanted to be doing. "Isn't there anything you can do to get yourself back on track?

Lara pondered the question for a moment, her eyes lighting up as an idea struck her. "You’ve done field research right?" Lara asked and Kate nodded her assent.  "Have you ever done any of the analysis that comes after the field work?"

"No" Kate shook her head briefly, "I’ve never had an opportunity to partake in it before, why?" Kate asked.

"Well, I would like you to consider an opportunity then. "  Lara said.  "I could use someone to help me organize and go through my research." The professor stopped to let Kate absorb her offer. Inside, she was giddy as she watched the woman across from her. Lara realized that if the young woman said yes, she would not only be able to finish her research, but it would also guarantee that she would see the pretty blonde well after they had completed their lectures for Jenkins.  "It would be a good learning experience for you, and it would get me back on top of this.  I can pay you, probably about as much as you would be getting from the university."

Kate was about to open her mouth when she heard her name being yelled from across the diner. She looked up from and saw Emma heading towards the table.  She glanced at her watch and saw that it was only 7:55.  "Damn her for being early" Kate thought to herself.  Lara stood as Emma approached the table. She grabbed her long black coat and put it on in one fluid motion.  Reaching inside one of it's deep pockets, the professor pulled out a pen and a business card. Resting it on the table, she proceeded to quickly scribble something on the back of it.    "Here." she said handing the card to Kate, "This is my home number.  Think about my offer and if you are interested let me know, ok?"

"All right"  Kate answered. "I’ll give you a call to let you know."

Lara tipped an invisible hat to the two women in front of her, "Enjoy your dinner Ladies." she said with a smile.   "Kate, goodnight, it was a pleasure." She added before turning towards the exit.

"Goodnight Lara" Kate called after the retreating figure. When the last of the woman's dark locks had disappeared out the door, Kate looked down to examine the small card she held in her hands. The professor's scent clung to the paper and her distinct handwriting had scribbled out the words, "Kate, Call me If you are Interested, Lara." Kate read the words again and immediately memorized the phone number written underneath them. "Oh, I am definitely interested" she thought.

"So"  Emma asked, as she sat down in the chair Lara had just vacated. "Who was that?"

Kate debated how she should explain this to her friend.  Should she just tell her it was a professor from the college offering her a job or tell her the whole story, from the bar up until now?  Kate wondered if she was crazy.  She worried about Emma thinking she was crazy.  Remembering what Emma had said about nothing ever changing their friendship, she made her decision.

"…then you came up as Lara was leaving and that’s the end of the story."  Kate concluded a half-hour later.

"Wow, that’s amazing."  Emma said when Kate had finished.  "I can’t believe she’s the same woman from the bar that night.  Small world huh?" she watched as her friend nervously fingered the card she held in her hand.  "Are you going to take the job…no wait, stupid question, of course you are. Right?"

"I don’t know, maybe." Kate let out a soft sigh as she pondered the situation.  "It felt so good being around her, I can’t explain it.  I just…" Kate stopped unable to complete the sentence. The young woman wanted to slam her head against a wall to clear the strange lightheadedness that had invaded her mind ever since the dark-haired goddess had walked into Professor Jenkins' office.

"Don’t sweat it Katy, I know what your problem is" Emma said with a knowing smile.

"What?" Kate asked, imploring her friend to give her the answers she needed.

Emma looked at her best friend with a wide grin and said, "Love at first sight."

Kate remained silent and let the words sink in.  She studied the table top intently as she felt the blush creep up her neck.  She tried to find some words, any words she could say to her friend.  "I…um…do you really think so?"

Emma looked at her friend as she reached to pick up the check.  "Yeah, that about sums it up Katy. You've got it bad."

Kate let out a small, nervous giggle as she stood up and put on her leather jacket.  The pair walked to the front of the diner in amiable silence. Emma handed a few bills to the man behind the counter;  they then proceeded to walk outside into the December cold to their waiting cars.  Emma walked the blonde woman over  to her vehicle, promising to give her a call the next day and encouraging Kate to call the professor and take the job offer.  Kate said she probably would in the morning, since she didn’t actually have another job lined up anyhow. With that, the two friends said their goodnights.

                                                                                 *******

Lara walked into her apartment, the emptiness of the place settling over her like a cold December night.  She had been back in the states for seven months now and all of them had been filled with loneliness.  The professor set her keys down on the table and threw her coat over the back of a kitchen chair.  Opening the refrigerator, she removed a cold slice of pizza from a cardboard box, tossed it on a paper plate, and put it in the microwave.

She looked around the apartment as she waited for her pizza to warm up.  It was too large for just one person she supposed, with two bedrooms, a living room, kitchen, and a fairly large bathroom. Then again, it hadn’t seemed nearly as empty when Sandra was still around, at least not all the time.  She looked over at the answering machine resting peacefully on the table. The machine was only a month old, she had grudgingly purchased it only when the need for it outweighed her newly acquired hatred of them.  It wasn’t that she got a lot of calls, just that she usually missed the few she did receive.  As usual, there were no messages.

With the pizza done, Lara sat down on the couch and clicked the TV on with the remote.  She stared blankly at the evening news, not really caring what was going on in the world, but needing the comfortable sound of the television to keep her from thinking about how lonely she was.

Her thoughts drifted back to the time spent with Kate earlier that evening.  Talking to the beautiful, green-eyed woman had been an unusual experience.  It had been over a year since Lara had really had a long, casual conversation with someone.  These days all her conversations were formal and professional.  Before the lovely blonde showed up, she never had any interest in associating with anyone.  After the breakup of her relationship with Sandra, the professor had decided that she would rather just be alone.  Sure, it was lonely, she knew it would be. At the very least, no attachments meant no pain.  Being alone meant that she would never have to risk going back into the darkness, a place that she had once thought would surely swallow her whole.  Now, everything seemed different though.  She had never realized just how lonely she was.  That is, until she walked out of that diner and into the cold night air, Alone.

Lara turned off the TV and walked to the second bedroom, which she had recently converted into an office.  She sat down at the desk, which was covered in paperwork that required her attention.  There were still papers to be graded, lectures to be prepared, and research to analyze.  The professor opened the desk draw to retrieve a pen.  Her digging through the drawer stopped when her eyes fell on a round red object off to the back.  She picked the red coin up twirling it in her fingers, her paperwork discarded, and her mind drifting to the not so distant past.

                                                                                      *******

At seven-thirty A.M., the alarm clock went off.   The young woman found no pleasure in waking up to the May sunshine.  Instead, she felt like someone was bashing her head in with a sledgehammer.  The dizziness, the nausea, the headache, Lara McKenry couldn’t remember what it felt like to wake up without a hangover. The morning after a binge was never pleasant.  She wasn’t sure when it had gotten so out of control.  When had a few casual drinks turned to this?  "Right after it became a few drinks to help you sleep at night" she answered the unspoken question wryly.  Mornings like this had become the norm now.

It took all of her strength to drag herself from the bed and into the bathroom.  She splashed some water on her face and stared into the mirror.  Lara hardly recognized herself anymore.  Her black hair was disheveled and unwashed and her blue eyes were bloodshot.  Those same eyes traveled lower, taking in the view of her once muscular body, which was now reduced to skin and bones.  She hadn’t even noticed before.  The young woman tried to remember the last time she’d eaten, but couldn’t.  She tried to remember how she’d gotten home last night, but again no answers were forthcoming.  "Best not to think of that now." She told herself.  As she stared at her reflection a wave of hopelessness washed over her, draining her of her will.  She stepped out of the bathroom and walked back to the safety of her bed, where she would remain until long past noon.

Awakening a second time wasn’t half as bad, the morning’s pounding headache was now down to a dull throbbing and the nausea had almost passed.  Lara stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out where she had been the night before.  Most of the night came flooding back almost instantly. The message, driving, going to the bar and ordering a scotch.  Her mind focused on the memory of a cute young blonde for a moment.   She realized that emerald green eyes and that face were the last things she could recall.

Lara dressed quickly and headed down the stairs of the apartment complex, heading straight for the parking lot.  She closed her eyes and mentally cursed herself when she saw her car.  It was crookedly parked between two spaces.  She went back up the stairs to the apartment and after a twenty-minute search, she retrieved her keys from the refrigerator, and parked her car properly.

Back in her apartment again, Lara sat down at her kitchen table and held her head in her hands.  The realization that she could have killed someone the night before washed over her.  The morning’s nausea came back with a vengeance.  She could hear the little voice in her mind telling her what an awful person she was, that she didn’t deserve the life she had, and that she was going to destroy everything that was left.  Almost unconsciously, Lara stood up and walked over to the cabinet under the sink.  Opening it up, she removed a bottle of scotch.  Reaching up to the cabinets, she retrieved a glass from the shelf.  Bottle and glass were then set down at the edge of the kitchen table.  A shaking hand reached out for the bottle, carefully removed the cap and began to pour the liquid.  It spilled out of the glass and on to the table, as hands began shaking more violently.

Lara set the bottle down with conscious effort.  She stared at it for a long moment.  Her eyes traveled to the half-filled glass and the spill on the table.  She leaned back in quiet contemplation.  Picking up the glass, she held it in her hand and stared at the contents.  Hesitantly, she arose from her seat and poured the golden liquid down the drain.  Reaching back to the table, she grabbed the bottle and methodically emptied its contents and discarded the empty bottle in the trash.  She then wiped down the table, rinsed the glass and placed it back in the cabinet.  Walking away from the kitchen, she grabbed her keys and walked out the door.
                                                                                        *******
Lara’s mind slipped back to the present as she found herself still fiddling with the coin she had earned exactly one month after that day.  She read the poem on the back to herself and then turned it around to examine the front.  She found herself smiling at the words that she saw engraved into the red object,  "One month sober."

She was now going on seven months sober.  That anniversary was coming up shortly and if there was nothing else in her life, she still had this achievement to be proud of.  She had several other coins, but only kept two around where she could see them.  The other one was a slightly smaller, green colored one that she was given the first day.   It commemorated her first day back in the realm of the living.  That’s what she called it anyway.  The day she had received it,  Lara had finally felt like she was alive again.

With a touch to the switch, the bathroom light clicked on and Lara entered.  She stood before the mirror as she had so long ago and examined herself.  Her eyes shown back a clear pale blue, no longer bloodshot and tired.  The body that had become so thin and sickly, was once again lean and muscular.  Looking at herself now, she realized she had been far worse than she had understood at the time.  Realizing she was lucky to be alive, even if it was a bit lonely, she decided to go grade some papers.
                                                                                       *******
Kate walked into her apartment, set down her keys, tossed her jacket over the back of a chair and sat down on the bed.  This had quite possibly been the strangest and most incredible day she'd ever experienced. In the course of a few hours she had been reunited with her best friend and had finally met the woman who had triggered such radical changes in her life.  She pulled the slightly wrinkled business card out of her pocket, noticing that the front was actually a number for a car repair shop.  Turning to the back she again analyzed the words and the seven digits scribbled there, the seven digits that would lead to her future.

She looked at her watch.  It was ten thirty.  Kate wanted to just pick up the phone and call the professor now, tell her she would be happy to take the job.  Not knowing the other woman’s schedule though, she fought the urge. Deciding that tomorrow was Saturday and a phone call around noon probably wouldn’t be inappropriate.

Kate hit the light switch and walked over to her bed, figuring the faster she went to sleep, the sooner morning would come.  She pulled the covers up over her body and laid her head down on the pillow.  As she closed her eyes a vision of a black-haired, blue eyed goddess entered her mind. With a smile, she drifted off into a wonderful dream about waterfalls, green fields, and the woman of her dreams.

She found herself awake at eight A.M.  Fully rested, she hopped out of bed and immediately headed to the bathroom.  The young woman showered and brushed her teeth before heading back out to the kitchen to grab some breakfast.  When she opened the refrigerator to find it as bare as the day she had moved in,  Kate realized that she had never gone shopping the day before.  She quickly brushed her hair and headed for the store, not wanting to go through another morning of cereal with no milk.

Twenty minutes later she reentered her apartment, arms heavy with several bags of groceries.  Finally, she had managed to retrieve the necessities she’d been lacking.  Kate had meant to pick them up yesterday, but a surprise run in with Emma had changed those plans.  Before Kate had left for Tanzania, Emma had been living in the more upscale suburban neighborhood they were originally from.  She had found out during dinner that Emma had argued with her own mother over the summer, and had also moved out.  Emma had taken a job as a supermarket cashier to pay the bills until she could find a job within her field.  It would have only been a matter of time before her and Emma ran into each other, since they were residing within a mile of each other.

"Let’s try this again, shall we?"  she said to herself as she finished putting the meager groceries away and sat down at the table with her milk and cereal.  Pouring herself a bowl she started to eat.  She paused to look at her watch, it was now almost nine thirty.  With a few hours to kill before she would call the professor, Kate finished her breakfast and washed the few dishes she had used.

She spent the remainder of the morning doing anything to occupy her time.  The entire apartment was spotless, her laundry was done, she had even called Emma.   They'd had a twenty minute conversation that focused on how nervous she was about calling the professor.  Emma reminded her that she had no reason to be nervous, after all, Lara had already offered her the job, all she had to do is accept it.  Finally, Kate looked up to the clock to see that it was past noon.  She picked up the phone and carefully dialed the numbers that she had memorized from the back of the business card.

"Hello" Lara’s voice answered.  Kate paused for a second, her mind had suddenly gone blank. The speech she had been mentally rehearsing for the last three hours was gone, as was her voice. "Hello?" the professor asked a second time.

 "Oh, sorry.  Lara?  This is Kate"  she stated in a rush as she realized the professor might hang up if she didn’t respond soon.  The thought of having to call the professor a second time was enough to make the young woman's heart skip a beat.

"Kate?  Oh hi.  I’m glad you called.  Have you thought about my offer at all?"  Lara stated casually even though it wasn’t how she felt.  In fact, she was surprised to find she had grown extremely nervous upon hearing the blonde’s voice.

"Um, yes I have.  That’s what I wanted to talk to you about." Kate explained.  "I think it would be a wonderful opportunity for me, and I would be happy to aid in your research."  Then she mumbled "Oh god I sound like such an idiot."

"What was that last part?" Lara asked, rather jokingly because she had clearly heard the quiet statement the young woman had made to herself.  The anxiety she could hear in the younger woman's voice should have calmed the professor down, but instead it made her twice as nervous.  Knowing that the beautiful blonde was feeling something as well made Lara's stomach churn.  It was as if an entire swarm of butterflies had suddenly taken flight within her gut.

"I said…um…When do we get started?."  There.  That would sound decent.  She hoped.

"Well, I still have another week or so of classes and then finals.   So ,there isn’t really much point to starting before Christmas, I suppose.  Whenever you're available after the holiday would be fine."  Lara told her.

"I’m available whenever you want to start."  Kate told her.

"Ok, then" Lara drawled out "Would starting on the twenty sixth be inconvenient for you?  I don’t want this to get in the way of any holiday plans you might have."

 "Don’t worry, it won’t"  Kate assured her.  She felt a twinge at that admission. Lara's mentioning of holiday plans had made the blond realize that she would probably not have actual holiday plans again for a while.

"Ok then.  We have that settled.  Give me your phone number so I can give you a call later on to hammer out the specific details a little more.  Wait, actually…"  The blue eyed woman paused, realizing that she wanted to see the young woman again much sooner than the day after Christmas. "Why don’t we meet and discuss the particulars in person sometime before then.  Maybe in about a week or so?"

The newly hired employee grinned to herself and agreed to the meeting and recited her phone number to Lara.  The professor told her she would give her a call in about a week to set up their meeting.  With that done they both wished each other a good day and said good-bye.

Lara put the cordless phone down on the kitchen table and took a deep breath.  She searched for a way to explain to herself why just the sound of the woman’s voice was affecting her so deeply.  Lara realized that she felt more for the pretty blond after only three conversations, than she ever had for anyone else.  She thought back to Sandra and realized that in all the time they were together the woman had never evoked such a strong reaction from Lara.  "It just doesn’t make sense."  she said to no one in particular.
 

Chapter 5

The next week flew by for Lara.  Now that she had made plans to get back to work on her research, Lara found that being a teacher could be an enriching experience.  The negative attitude she had held towards the job was what made it so unpleasant.

With finals getting close, Lara found herself talking with her students a lot more frequently.  The professor had a steady stream of visitors in her office during her scheduled hours.  It seemed every time she turned around someone was there, asking her a question.  It amazed her when she realized that the students were actually interested in hearing what she had to say.  Teaching went from being a chore into something that gave her a sense of self confidence that she had never experienced before.

With what little free time she had, Lara would work on organizing all her notes from the field, attempting to get a head start on the work her and Kate would be doing.  It was towards the end of the week when she noticed a disturbing trend in her notes.  As her time on the island ended, her drinking had accelerated to a dangerous pace and it was painfully evident in her work.  The notes were vague and sometimes not even legible. She had obviously written them after she had already begun her nightly binge.

Fortunately, not all of the research was a waste. She could salvage enough from the scribbled notes to complete her analysis.  Lara placed all of these notes and some scattered entries , written during earlier periods of intoxication, aside. The last thing she wanted was for the young blonde to come across them and see the person that she used to be. Not wanting to risk making Kate uncomfortable, Lara decided that she would simply pull out all the necessary information from the notes ahead of time, and save herself from having to explain her actions. She wasn’t pleased about doing it.  As a drunk there had always been lies and cover-ups, so nobody would know, but now was supposed to be different.  Lara rationalized that she was just saving herself from an awkward moment with her new assistant, but something inside her was just not comfortable with it.  It reminded her too much of a past that she was ashamed of and desperately wanted to forget.

        *******

A few months into her fieldwork the lies had started. Small ones at first, but growing progressively larger as her binges increased. Some mornings the hangovers would be so bad, Lara simply could not get out of bed.  The first time she had claimed she wasn’t feeling well, the graduate student that had been assisting her hadn't questioned it.  A few days later she said she had the flu, even remaining in bed for two days to make it believable. She kept telling herself that she just wanted to avoid an awkward situation, although somewhere inside she knew it wasn’t the truth.

Next came migraine headaches, a stomach virus, food poisoning, heat stroke, and any other excuse she could think up to try and explain away the reality that she was slipping into a black hole of alcoholism and depression.  At one point, her entire project was almost destroyed when the locals became afraid that she would contaminate them with all of her diseases.

Even the threat of ruining all of her work didn’t stop her from drinking. It just made her even more determined to hide her hangovers from everyone around her.  It had almost worked to, would have if one of the locals hadn’t seen her drinking one night and realized what was really going on.  She knew that if her assistant found out it could mean the end of her career, and Lara found herself bribing the man to keep his silence.  She never really knew if her assistant had found out, but from then on none of the locals believed she would contaminate them.  Once they were back in the states, she had told her assistant that she would finish the work on her own, rather than face even the possibility of the grad student either knowing or finding out.
                                                                                *******
Lara took the notebooks from the last leg of her fieldwork and put them in a box under her bed.  She knew that she was still behaving like she used to, but believed it was the only option.  She knew that she had been told over and over again that one lie can start off a chain reaction, but she dismissed the warnings.

It was early evening when Lara decided to contact Kate to set up their meeting.  She opened up her desk draw and pulled out the piece of paper containing the phone number.  Walking back to the living room, she retrieved her cordless phone from the charge and quickly dialed the number, waiting patiently as the phone rang.

"Hello" a voice said on the other end. Lara recognized the young woman's cheerful voice and it immediately brought a smile to her face.

"Hi, Kate, this is Lara McKenry,"  she told the young woman. The professor nervously paced the room as she spoke to her new assistant.

"Oh, hi. I was hoping you would call soon."  The blonde replied. Kate had been anxiously waiting by the phone for days, practically jumping out of her skin every time it rang. With every passing day, the young woman's desire to see the raven-haired professor increased.

"Well, then I’m glad I did," the blue eyed woman said, secretly pleased the young woman wanted to hear from her, "You still want the job right?"

"Of course."  The blonde assured her, "I can’t wait to start."

"Ok, then, I guess we should have this meeting soon."  Lara said.  "When is convenient for you?"

"I’m sure whatever is good for you would be fine for me also"  Kate replied.

"How about we meet for dinner next Saturday night?"  Lara suggested.

Kate readily agreed to the suggestion of dinner, and the two spent some time discussing what would be a good place.  They decided that a new Chinese restaurant nearby would be good, and made plans to meet at seven.  With that decided, they said their good-byes and hung up.

Lara let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.  She didn’t realize how nervous she was about calling the blonde woman.  She didn’t know why, but the idea of never seeing Kate again filled her with a fear she couldn’t comprehend.  Now though, she had nothing to be afraid of, knowing she would indeed see the young beauty soon.  The idea of having dinner with the woman was actually making her giddy, something she could never remember being in her entire life.    She walked over to the refrigerator and poured herself a glass of Coke.  She took the soda and some cookies out of the cabinet, and headed to her office to get some work done.

      *******

Kate was so excited about the idea of having dinner with the dark beauty that she couldn’t even sit down.  Suddenly she was full of energy.  She tried to call Emma, but no one answered, so Kate figured that her friend must still be at work.  Having nothing else to do, she decided to stop by the supermarket Emma was working at and pick up a thing or two.

She pulled into a spot under one of the streetlights.  The parking lot was relatively empty, not surprising for ten o’clock on a Thursday night.  Kate exited her car and started walking towards the door.  Kate was almost to the doors when she saw the shadow of someone approaching from behind her.  She picked up her speed, not sure if the shadow was a threat and not really wanting to find out.  A few steps from where the automatic doors would sense her presence and open, a large hand clamped down on her shoulder and pulled her backwards.

The attacker threw Kate into a wall and pinned her there, holding a knife in one hand.  He probably wasn’t even as old as she was, a few inches short of six feet with sandy brown hair and a slim build.  "Give me your money, jewelry, and car keys now bitch"  the robber said, putting the knife up against Kate’s throat.  Too scared to speak, Kate reached in her pockets and handed over the contents, which amounted to a few dollars and her keys.  The robber looked at the meager amount and screamed "This is it?  No fucking way.  This is it?"  Kate shook her head yes, still unable to speak.  The robber grabbed the collar of her jacket and shook her.  "I think your lying to me bitch, and I don’t like liars.  I’m gonna teach you a lesson."

Kate saw the man’s fist come flying at her face and felt it hit her square in the nose and force her back.  Her head hit into the wall and then there was only blackness.

        *******

Slowly she became aware of her surroundings.  She could see flashing light around her, and then a man was above her asking her questions.  She tried to focus on him, but her vision was blurry and the pain was overwhelming.  Giving up, she closed her eyes and let the darkness reclaim her.

Hours later, Kate opened her eyes again to see a stark white ceiling.  She slowly became aware of her surroundings, realizing she was alone in a hospital room.  She tried to move, but the pain in her head was too intense.  She lay there for a few minutes trying to remember what had happened.  She could remember the basic details, including some details of what her assailant looked like.

After ten minutes of laying in the hospital bed, a nurse finally came in the room to check on her.  Seeing that the young woman was now awake, the nurse told her she would have a doctor come right in to speak with her and left.  Kate spent a few moments trying to orient herself.  She hurt all over, and the throbbing in her head hadn't eased since she had awoken.  After what seemed like an eternity, an older man carrying a clipboard entered the room.  He introduced himself and proceeded to give her a brief examination.  He explained to her that her injuries weren’t severe, she had a concussion, her nose was broken, and her ribs were bruised, apparently from being kicked.  All in all, she had been lucky.  After a soft knock on the door, two police officers entered the room.  The two middle-aged men,  began asking for any details she could remember from the attack.  Kate quickly told them all she knew, including what was stolen and a description of the assailant. With a brief nod, the officers jotted down the information she had told them, and left the room.  Telling her that they would be in touch as soon as they had anything to tell her.  After the officers left the doctor told her to get some rest and that she would most likely be discharged in the morning.

After a fitful sleep, Kate awoke in the unfamiliar room.  The headache wasn't as strong as it had been, but that was mostly due to the drugs she had been given.  Now that she had made it through the mandatory one night of monitoring that is required for head injuries,  the doctor agreed to discharge her. The doctor gave her instructions to come back to the hospital immediately if anything seemed wrong and a prescription of pain killers.  By afternoon she was discharged and standing in the hospital lobby, realizing for the first time that she had no way home from the hospital.  Not knowing what else to do, considering she had no car, no money, and no keys to her apartment, she immediately called Emma, hoping her best friend could help.

A half hour later, she was still trying.  Emma wasn’t home, and Kate realized that her friend was probably back at work by now.  She declined a few rides home, not knowing what she could possibly do once she got there.  Her landlord was the only one with a spare set of keys and he was away on vacation until the next day, and she had no money for a locksmith because it all had been stolen.

Out of options, Kate briefly debated calling her mother, but realized she’d rather sit at the hospital until Emma eventually came home than have to see the woman whom she’d fought with over six months ago.  After several more tries to reach Emma, Kate made the decision to call the only other person she could think of, Lara McKenry.

After the fifth ring Kate was about to hang up,  but a familiar voice finally answered her call.  Lara's voice came over the phone lines, the older woman was out of breath and that sound alone caused Kate to gulp audibly.  Realizing that she still held the phone in her hand,  Kate responded with her own hello, in a very small voice.  Now that she actually had Lara on the phone, the young woman felt downright foolish for calling.

"Kate is something wrong?" the professor asked, her voice filled with concern.

"Well, yeah, kind of" Kate stammered,  "I need a really big favor"

"What?  Name it, are you ok?  Did something happen?  Are you hurt"  Lara said in a rush.

"Um.  I’m at the hospital.  I was assaulted and robbed last night, he took my keys, and my money, even my car.  I’m sorry to drag you into this but I just had no one else to call." Kate explained.

"No, don’t be sorry, I’m glad you called me.  Listen, I’ll be there in ten minutes Kate, I promise, everything’s gonna be ok, I’ll take care of you."  Lara said, and then hoped the young woman missed the last few words, mentally she slapped herself for having said them.  Even though it was the thing she most wanted to do in the world.

"Ok"  the young woman said, almost in tears, as the weight of what had happened to her the night before finally registered in her mind.  She had indeed caught Lara's remarks, and for once in her life she wanted to believe in them.  Wanted to have someone take care of her.  Especially if that someone happened to be Lara McKenry.  "I’ll be here, thank you so much."

"No need to thank me, I want to do this ok, I’ll be there in ten.  Bye"  And with that Lara hung up.
Kate sat the receiver back in it’s place and walked back over to the waiting room chairs.  She sat down to wait for the professor.  Less than ten minutes later Kate spotted the blue eyed woman scanning the room for her.  Kate stood up and walked over to her.  Lara almost cried at the sight of the beautiful woman so harshly beaten.  Kate started crying at the sight of the professor and Lara just wrapped her arms around the young woman and held her for a moment.  Gently touching the dark bruise that had formed around the young woman's beautiful nose, Lara sighed and said,
 "C’mon, I’ll take you home."
 
 

Chapter 6

Lara lead the young woman into her apartment. On the car ride over, they decided that it would not be safe for Kate to return to her own apartment, since the robber had the keys and her address.  Instead, Lara had determined that the young woman would stay with her for a day or two. Just until everything was sorted out and hopefully, the robber was caught.

"Please, sit down, and make yourself comfortable" Lara said to the blonde, indicating the sofa in the living room.  "Would you like something?  I’m sure I have some soda or milk, or I could make coffee.  Are you hungry, we could get some dinner?" The professor said in a rush.

"Um…No thanks, I don’t need anything." Kate said while she sat down on the couch.   She could feel the pain as she moved, causing her to reconsider that answer.  "Actually I could use something to drink.  Maybe some water, so I can take the stuff the doctor gave me?"

"Sure, no problem, one water coming up."  Lara responded as she headed to the kitchen.  She was glad to get away from her houseguest for a moment.  She had no idea what she was doing, but she did know that she wanted to make sure the young woman was all right.  The professor realized that she was a little afraid of the prospect of spending a long period of time with the blonde.   Without hardly even knowing the woman, Lara could already feel the emotions bubbling inside her at the thought of spending time with Kate.

Lara took a glass down from the cabinet and leaned up against the counter for a moment taking a deep breath.  She stared up at the ceiling trying to focus herself and slow her racing heart.  "What if I act weird around her and she notices?" The dark-haired woman asked herself.  "I may scare her away.  I can’t bear the thought of that."  She closed her eyes for a moment and took a few deep breaths.  Then she filled the glass up with water and headed back to the living room and a waiting Kate.

Kate was still sitting on the couch as Lara returned, deeply involved with her own thoughts.  Lara walked over with the glass and sat down on the other side of the sofa.  Kate looked up when she felt the cushions move beneath her. "Oh, thank you." she said as she reached to retrieve the glass from the blue eyed woman.  She took her medication and set the glass down on the coffee table in front of the couch.  The two sat in awkward silence, neither knowing how to start a conversation. Both women were getting lost in their own thoughts, which centered mostly on each other.

Lara was the first to break the silence, asking if the other woman would mind if she put the television on.  With Kate’s consent, she clicked the remote and turned on the evening news.  Both women were grateful for the distraction.  The newscasters were discussing the president as usual, so Lara clicked over to the weather channel.  While Lara was generally interested in politics, she was tired of hearing about the entire presidential scandal.

She found the weather to be a much more interesting prospect.  It was about normal for mid December, the temperature staying between 20 and 40 degrees Fahrenheit most of the time.  Both women sat and watched the local forecast and then Lara asked the young woman what she would like to watch.

"I don’t really watch much TV actually" Kate responded.  "Whatever you want will be fine."

"Well, maybe you should get some rest anyway, it’s been a long day for you, surely you’re tired." Lara said.

"Yeah, actually I am" Kate admitted.

"Ok then, just let me go get you all set up, and then you can get some sleep." Lara responded.  Lara had decided earlier to put Kate up in her own room while she slept in on the couch.  The young woman said the living room would be fine, but Lara insisted.  With her injuries, being cramped up on the couch would just make the girl more uncomfortable.  Finally, Kate gave into her hostess’s wishes.

Lara set up everything in the bedroom and went to retrieve her guest.  She found the young woman already asleep on the couch.  She gently shook the blonde to awaken her, and then led her into the bedroom without a word.  Kate lay down and Lara helped her pull the covers over her, then she said goodnight as she turned off the bedroom light and shut the door.

Lara went in to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of soda from the refrigerator.  She poured herself a glass, and proceeded to take both the glass and the bottle into her office.  The professor sat down at the desk and turned on her computer.  Hoping she had the next couple of days free, the professor opened her schedule program and looked to see what was on the calendar.  Seeing nothing that appeared too urgent, she closed the program and picked up the telephone, placing a quick call to a student to switch to Tuesday an appointment to discuss a term paper.  With a quick apology for the inconvenience, Lara hung up the phone, shut down her computer and headed back out to the living room.

The professor spread a comforter out over the couch and fluffed up a pillow at the edge before crawling underneath the warmth of the blanket.  Reaching for the remote she flipped the television back on and began clicking through the channels before settling on a cable movie that was just starting.  She idly watched the opening credits, not recognizing any of the names and pulled the blanket up higher onto her body.  Her mind drifted away from the movie and to the young blonde sleeping in her bed.  She closed her eyes and pictured herself in a place far from buildings and noise;  somewhere she could just exist without the pressures of life, with her arms around a green-eyed woman who could take her breath away.

      ********

The room was dark and the air hung heavy with the stench of stale cigarette smoke.  The sounds of people laughing and shouting filled the room, along with the distinctive clink of glasses hitting as they were picked upon the bar by the bartender.  Lara didn’t want to be here, but she didn’t have much choice.

She had been on her way home from an AA meeting when her car broke down. After trying every possible way to fix it, she was left with no other solution but to have it towed.  The meeting had run late and it was well past ten o’clock.  She knew the all night convenience store was over a mile back, but there was a bar only two blocks away.  It was beginning to rain rather heavily and she made the tough decision to go to the bar to use the phone, rather than walk a mile in the pouring rain.

She stood outside the door for a moment taking a few more drags of her cigarette before tossing it into the street.  She told herself repeatedly to just use the phone as quickly as possible and get out of there.  When she felt like she was as ready as she could be, she opened the door.

Scanning the room for a pay phone she noticed there was one in the back, near the bathroom.  She reached in her pockets and realized she had no change, only a few bills.  She walked up to the bar to get change with a feeling of unease in her gut.

"What can I get you miss?" the bartender asked as she approached him.

"I’d just like to get some change to use the pay phone please." Lara responded.

"I can’t give change unless you buy something, do you wanna buy a drink?"  The bartender asked.

"Yeah sure, you got any water?"  Lara answered with a smile.

"Water?"  The bartender said with a laugh.  "What do you want water for?"

"To drink." The professor replied seriously.

"We don’t serve water here, anything else you might like?"  The bartender said his voice sounding amused and his eyes conveying to the professor that he was trying to flirt with her.

"Hmmm…. How about a Jack and Coke, minus the Jack?" Lara responded.

"Ok, I think I can do that for ya miss"  the bartender said with a smile as he poured a glass of coke.  Lara took the glass from the man’s hand and handed him some bills.  Once she got the change she required she drank a few sips of the coke, set it down on the bar, and headed back to the pay phone.

She set the change on top of the phone and pulled her wallet from her pocket, removing a towing company's business card from within.  She slid a quarter into the slot after picking up the receiver and dialed the number on the card.  After three rings, someone finally picked up, and she arranged for her car to be towed.  Unfortunately, it would be about an hour due to the weather.  Lara hung up the phone and started walking toward the exit, intent on staying in her car rather than inside the bar.   She stopped dead in her tracks when she heard a familiar voice, one she had hoped she would never hear again.

Her eyes scanned the room and fell on a woman with red hair, whose arms were wrapped around the neck of an older man in a business suit.  Lara immediately recognized the couple as her ex girlfriend Sandra and her boss.  She averted her eyes away from her old lover and back to the door, but in her periphery vision saw the couple get up.  She stepped back into the shadows by the pay phone and watched as the two made their way out the door of the bar.  Lara took a deep breath, trying to stop the anger that was rising inside her now that she realized who her old flame had left her for.

After a few minutes of trying to calm herself down, Lara could feel something inside her snap and her legs began to move almost of their own will towards the bar.  The bartender looked up and smiled when he saw her.  Lara tossed some bills on the bar and sat on a stool saying  "Coke, this time with the Jack, and keep ‘em comin."

     ********

Lara awoke with a start and found herself sitting on the couch in the dark.  She looked over to the VCR display and noticed the clock said it was 2:35am.  She got up and went to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water and sat down at the table sipping it slowly.  She didn’t want to think about that night.  She was still disappointed in herself.  In all the time that she had been sober, that had been the only time she had ever given in to her urge to drink.  Tomorrow would mark seven months from that night.  She knew that she should just be proud of the accomplishment, but something inside her wouldn’t stop kicking her for that one bad night.

In truth she wasn’t sure what it was that made her more angry with herself.  Was it because she drank, or was it because of the reason she drank?  Sitting alone in a dark kitchen, she came to realize that the real source of her anger was with the reason.  She couldn’t stand the fact that she had let someone like Sandra, someone who treated her like dirt, be the reason she messed up the one good thing she had going for her.  She vowed to herself in that moment that she wouldn’t let what happened back then come back to haunt her and ruin another positive thing in her life.  That vow would be harder to keep then Lara could ever imagine.
 
 

Chapter 7
 

Kate slowly opened her eyes to the bright morning sun streaming through the window.  For a moment, she was disoriented, before she remembered that the beautiful professor had taken her in when she got out of the hospital.  She sat up slowly and wiped the sleep from her eyes, then ran her hand through her hair to straighten it.  She placed her feet on the floor and winced as she tried to stand, having to push off the bed to get her body erect.

The younger woman walked out of the bedroom and looked around for the professor, but she saw no sign of her.  She walked into the bathroom and did some of her morning rituals, having to skip brushing her teeth because she didn’t have a toothbrush.  Once done, Kate made her way to the kitchen.  She picked up a piece of paper off the table with her name at the top.  The note from Lara explained that she had run to the store for a few things and that she would be back shortly with breakfast.  It also said that Kate should make herself at home.

Not knowing what else to do, Kate walked into the living room and clicked on the TV. The pillow and blankets Lara had slept on the night before were still tossed absently on the couch.  Feeling dizzy, Kate placed the pillow at the end of the couch and pulled the blanket over her.  She could still detect the professor’s scent on the bedding and smiled as she drifted back off to sleep.

Lara slid her key into the door only a few minutes after the younger woman had fallen asleep.  She opened the door and immediately noticed her houseguest asleep on the couch.  The blue eyed woman quietly walked through the door and gently shut it behind her.  She carried the two paper bags she brought home to the kitchen and went about removing their contents.  Once finished she debated waking the other woman up so she could at least eat breakfast.  Deciding that it would be good for her green-eyed friend to have some food in her, Lara headed back to the living room.

Lara stood in front of the couch for a moment watching the younger woman sleep.  She studied the bruises on her companion's face and almost felt like crying.  Lara quickly shook the feeling off, not wanting to be the type that cried.  Standing over her new friend, she tried not to remember the last time she had.

          *********

The phone call had come in the middle of the night, probably around three a.m., she wasn’t even sure.  The professor, then a student, woke up to the sound of the ringing.  She reached out to the telephone sitting on a small table next to the bed in her dorm room, and picked it up.  The voice on the other end was that of her brother-in-law John.  He told her that him, her sister, and her parents had gone out to dinner and there had been an accident.  He was the only survivor.

Lara went into shock, not even leaving her bed until the day of the funeral.  She was completely devastated over the loss of what was her entire family.  Finally, on the day of the funeral she rose from her bed before sunrise and headed for the airport for an early flight to her hometown.

The funeral was filled with distant relatives she hardly even knew, but they seemed to know her.  She didn’t feel like talking to any of the sea of faces that came to her in black clothing, offering condolences.  She felt the tears near the surface but still they had not fallen.  After an hour, she finally noticed that John wasn’t there.  It wasn’t until she overheard a conversation of two women who she believed were her father’s aunts that she found out the truth of what had happened.

After almost becoming physically violent with one of the aunts, Lara forced the elderly woman to explain the whole story to her.  She led Lara outside the church and over to the trees where a bench sat.  The old woman invited the younger one to sit down and began the tale.  Lara listened to it all, her soul filled with rage as she heard the details of how her brother-in-law had been cheating on her sister, who had been five months pregnant with their first child.  Michelle, her sister, immediately left John upon finding out about his affairs.  When he found out she was pregnant he tried to convince her that he could change and to come home, but she wouldn’t listen.  Michelle had moved back to her parent's home until she could get back on her feet.  In a rage over his wife’s refusal to take him back, John broke into the house and went after his wife.  Michelle and Lara’s parents heard the commotion as they came home from dinner and ran up the stairs to find John standing over their daughter's body.  Mr. McKenry tried to go after John, but couldn’t overtake the younger, stronger man.  When it was all over John had murdered them all, and placed all three bodies in his car, drove outside of the city, and purposely crashed his car to make it look like an accident.

The police had initially thought that it had been just an accident. John claimed to have skidded on the ice and lost control.  They suspected his lack of serious injury was because he had been the only one wearing a seat belt.   He had been lucky, because most of the damage to the car had been on the passenger's side.  After a more careful investigation, the police realized that the passenger's injuries were not due solely to the accident, and eventually uncovered a murder weapon.

Lara sat in shock, she hadn't even known that her sister had left John.  The aunt told her that as she understood it, the entire course of events had taken place in about a week, and that John was in prison, awaiting trial.  The aunt walked away leaving Lara alone to take in everything she had heard.  The soon to be professor sat in silence for a few minutes, not even knowing what to feel, save rage.

She watched as the funeral goers exited the church and saw the old woman wave her over.  She walked to the lady’s side and the woman took her hand and led her to her car, motioning Lara to sit in the passenger seat.  They followed the procession to the cemetery in silence.  When they arrived Lara followed the elderly woman’s lead.  She stood before the coffins of her family, who were to be buried next to each other.  She saw the preacher’s mouth moving as he said some final words, even though she couldn’t hear anything but the screaming in her head. She closed her eyes to stop the tears that were so close to falling, fighting against them once more.   She watched her family be placed in the earth.  She stood there long after everyone else had left, until the sun had gone down below the horizon, and then she finally said good bye, and walked away, as the tears began to stream down her face.  She walked to the edge of the cemetery wiping the tears from her eyes when she felt a presence behind her.  Lara turned around to meet the arms of an old woman who wrapped her into a hug and together they cried.

     *********

It had been nearly eight years since Lara lost her parents and sister.  John had received three consecutive life sentences and was now locked up in prison.  Lara and the old woman still stayed in touch  through letters and occasional phone calls.  The old woman had been her grandfather’s oldest sister, now almost seventy-five, whereas her own father would only have turned fifty-eight this year.  Although they weren’t extremely close, Lara saw the elderly aunt as her last link to her family, and was very affectionate towards the woman.

The professor came back to the present, making a mental note to give her great-aunt a call later and see how she was doing.  The dark-haired woman then proceeded to place a hand on her houseguest and gently shook her awake.  Kate opened her eyes and smiled upon seeing Lara.  The professor apologized for waking her and said she only did so to find out if she wanted breakfast now or later.  The green-eyed woman said she was hungry, so the professor helped her up and led her to the kitchen.

The two ate their meals in amicable silence for the most part, with some occasional idle chat on the work Kate would be helping Lara with.  After breakfast was over the professor gave the younger woman a toothbrush she picked up at the store and Kate headed to finish cleaning herself up and attempt to take a shower.

After finally managing a shower, the injured woman changed into some clothes given to her by Lara and went searching for the older woman.  She found the professor in her office.  Kate inquired as to whether or not she could use the telephone to try to find her friend Emma and explain where she has been.  Lara answered her with a slight nod and Kate walked to the living room and began dialing.  On the second ring, her friend picked up the phone.  Kate explained to her the events that had occurred the other night and told her friend she was safe and would be staying with Lara until she felt a little better and the locks to her apartment could be changed.  Emma told Kate that she was welcome to stay with her if she felt like she was imposing on the professor, but Kate assured her it wouldn’t be necessary.

After assuring her friend she would check in with her the next day, Kate hung up the phone.  Her mind drifted back to the conversation she had with the blue eyed professor right before she got in the shower.  Kate had told the professor she didn’t want to be a bother and was sure she could arrange for somewhere else to stay before the end of the day, but Lara refused to entertain the idea.  The older woman protested and insisted that her new friend stay with her, saying that there was plenty of room and she was no bother.  Kate realized she wanted nothing more than to be there with this woman, and so she put up no further argument.  The idea that Lara insisted so strongly on her staying, brought a smile to her face, and a spark of hope lit in her mind.  She turned and headed towards the professor’s office with  one thought on her mind.  "Well, maybe…"
 
 

Chapter 8

Lara lifted her eyes from the stack of papers that held her attention, as her houseguest entered the office.  "Did you get a hold of your friend?"  The professor asked.

"Yeah, I just spoke with her."  Kate explained.  "She said that I'm welcome to stay with her if I need to."

An unreadable look crossed the professor’s features and suddenly she became very distracted by something on the desk.   Kate noticed the change in her new friend’s demeanor, but wasn’t sure what to make of it.  The professor shuffled the stack of papers she had been working on and said, "If you would feel more comfortable  staying with your friend, then you should, but you are welcome to stay here."  The professor hesitated a moment and then continued, "I don’t really mind the company, it’s kind of nice actually.  It’s been awhile since…"

"OK then I’ll stay"  Kate cut her off and said, "as long as you’re sure it’s no bother."

The professor looked up and smiled at her companion.  "Have you talked to your landlord yet to see if he has a spare set of keys?  It would be a good idea for us to pick up a few of your things, like a change of clothes that fit you."  Lara indicated the oversized T-shirt of hers Kate was wearing to accentuate her point.

Kate chuckled briefly before saying that she would go call and arrange to pick up the keys to her apartment, so they could retrieve her necessities. The blonde headed out of the office and back to the living room.  As the door closed behind the younger woman, Lara sighed and put her head down on the stack of papers on her desk.

"What am I doing?" the professor thought to herself.  "I’ve been alone most of my life, it's never bothered me before.   I can’t believe I even said all that to her.  What am I thinking, I never needed anyone, not friends or lovers, or anyone else.  I’ve done fine on my own."  Lara lifted her head and let out a breath.  "I think I’m losing my mind."  She muttered to herself.  She had been telling herself for eight years that she was fine alone.  She organized the stack of papers again then began walking toward the living room.  With he step she tried to convince her mind that she didn’t need anyone, although her heart knew it was a lie.

            *********

The nights were long, cold, and lonely.  They seemed to be never ending.  Every period between dusk and dawn became it’s own little eternity in the mind of a college-girl, barely nineteen years old.  Lara couldn’t sleep as usual.  She opened a textbook that sat on the night table and started reading.
After a few lines, she gave up, tossing the book on the floor.  She knew she needed to study, finals were only two weeks away, but she just couldn’t focus.  She wasn’t even sure how she managed to get through the last semester at all.  The death of her family had come only a month before her exams.  She still managed to pass all of her classes, although she wouldn’t be on the dean’s list anytime soon.  Since then things seemed to be getting progressively worse.

Lara reached under her bed and retrieved a small bottle of whiskey.  She removed the cap and drank a few shots worth, telling herself it was simply to make sleep a little easier.  She twisted the cap back on and put the bottle back, then stood up and walked to her dresser.  She opened the top draw and removed an envelope then returned to her bed.

She sat down on the bed with her legs folded, the envelope’s contents spilled out in front of her.  She picked up the first item, a family photograph.  For a moment, she just stared at the picture of her parents, sister, and herself all smiling in front of a fireplace.  Then she picked up the other pictures,  as well as a few items of jewelry and placed the items back into the envelope and carefully placed it back into the drawer.  She left her dorm room and walked out of the building into the cool late April air.  She lit a cigarette and took a drag as she stared off into the darkness, seeing no sign of morning.

                                                                      *********

Lara ran her fingers though her long hair.  Her mind drifted back to a day, five years prior when she had cut her hair short.  It was a week before finals and for months, her focus had been gone.   The young student had spent her days and nights mourning the loss of her family, until one day when she had just snapped.  She convinced herself that she did not need anyone and that she could make it on her own.  She cut her hair off, as if to cut away the person she had been, the one that spent her time grieving.  She shut her emotions down, convincing herself that it was what she had to do, in order to live.

The professor watched as Kate gently placed the phone back on the receiver.  She looked at the young woman who had captivated her attention ever since that one night in a dark bar.  She began to wonder if closing herself off from the rest of the world was really what she needed to do in order to go on.  Green eyes turned to meet blue, and in that instant Lara knew again what it felt like to be alive.

Lara walked slowly toward the younger woman, trying to ignore the spark of emotion that flared up inside her.  It had been so long since she had felt anything concrete.  For years her emotions were just fleeting moments of happiness or anger, but never intense.  Even the hurt that had followed the breakup of her relationship had not lasted long.  The anger she felt upon hearing of her lover’s affair disappeared into the numbness she maintained through her alcoholism.  Even the anger she had felt that night in the bar upon seeing her ex had washed away within days.

She had learned to live her life through necessity and not desire.  She focused on goals and made them her purpose for existing.  Feeling something now for the woman that stood before her scared the professor more than she ever would have imagined.  Fear or not, she could no longer deny that her heart was still there.

Kate took a step towards her, causing the professor to emerge from her own thoughts.  "Did you get a hold of your landlord?" Lara asked, hoping her voice did not betray the emotions she was feeling.

"Yeah I did." Kate answered.  As the young blonde turned, her green eyes caught the rays of the sun, the sight almost stopping the professor's long dormant heart.  Kate continued to speak as she walked closer to the raven-haired woman standing before her.  "He said I can come by and pick up the spare keys to the apartment any time I want today and that he would change the locks either tomorrow or the following day."

"OK good."  The professor responded, fighting to keep her voice light.  "How are you feeling today?"

 "I’m alright I think." The younger woman responded.  "Still a little stiff and sore, but I’ll live." She added with a smile.

Lara smiled back, an unconscious reaction to the way the young blonde's face lit up when she smiled.  "You better.  I really do need an assistant to catch up on all my work."

Kate sat down on the couch and looked at her companion.  "I’m sure you could find another assistant without a problem."  The tone was playful, but Lara thought she heard a twinge of apprehension in her houseguest’s voice.

Lara looked  her companion in the eyes and simply told her, "Don’t fix what ain’t broke."  Then with a smile, she turned and walked to the kitchen to get herself a drink.

Chapter 9
 

Lara put her blankets down on the couch.  She reflected back, thinking that it had been a good day.  Her and Kate had gone to the younger woman’s apartment and picked up some of her personal items.  The pair had then stopped off and picked up some Chinese before heading back to the professor’s place.  They had a nice dinner together, and spent some time chatting and watching television.  When the younger woman began to fall asleep Lara insisted that she go in and sleep in her bed.

It was definitely a good day.  She realized that the more she talked with Kate, the closer she felt to her, and she was pleasantly surprised to find all of the old fear beginning to slip away.  Kate wasn’t like the other people in her life, she thought.  Not like the ones that hurt her.  She closed her mind to the old memories almost immediately, and went back to the task of neatly laying out her blankets.  With the couch made into a makeshift bed, she crawled under the covers and closed her eyes.  Sleep came quickly, but not without a price.

As soon as she had fallen asleep, the nightmares began.  The memories her conscious mind had closed off quickly came flooding back.  Long nights of waiting up, wondering where her lover was, thinking she was getting cheated on again.  Finally a voice would answer the constant ringing of the line, and her mind would be eased by whatever excuse was offered to her.  In her heart she knew it wasn’t true, but she let it go.  Instead of standing up for herself she would walk to the kitchen, reach under the sink and pull out a bottle of scotch.  A few drinks later it just didn’t matter.

A lot of things didn’t matter.  Nothing really did.  Being called a few names every day meant nothing.  Sticks and stones.  Even those wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  So what if Sandra got angry and smacked her around a little bit?  She was much stronger than her, and it really didn’t hurt, so what did it matter?  Have a drink and forget about it.  So what if they were both drunk and she wasn’t in the mood and Sandra was.  So what if the word no didn’t mean anything those nights?  She could have stopped it.  She was the stronger one of the pair.  It was her own fault she was too dead drunk to defend herself.  She could justify it in her logical mind.  It was all her fault.  Wasn’t it?

Lara awoke with a start.  Her dreams had taken her to one of a few nights she wanted nothing more than to forget.  Out of reflex she had hoped was long gone, she immediately reached down as if reaching under her bed.  She was shocked to full awareness when her hand hit the couch instead.  Finally she realized where she was and when it was, and that it had been quite some time since that hand had reached down to find a bottle beneath her.  Still, it wasn’t the first night she had reached out to empty space looking for her old escape.

The professor lay back down, pulling the covers back over her body.  She remembered her first few weeks of sobriety.  Every time something went wrong in her life she wanted to run back to her old way of coping.  Somehow she managed not to.  Those early days were filled with a lot of AA meetings and phone calls to people from the program.  She could remember many nights when she thought she wouldn’t make it to morning.  This night felt like one of those.  The old memories were coming back with a vengeance.  One night in particular played itself over and over again in her head.  She knew she’d said no, she had so many times, and it was simply disregarded or ignored.  Sandra always took what she wanted when she wanted it.  It was to be expected of her.  Lara should have known that.  How couldn’t she?  She allowed it to happen didn’t she?

The professor tried hard to convince herself that it was her own fault, not wanting to accept the alternative.  It couldn’t have happened to her.  She was to strong for that.  She wouldn’t let anyone take that kind of power over her.  It had to be her fault.  Somehow.  Her mind was screaming.  She turned over on her side and stared at the coffee table.  All she could hear was her own voice.  She closed her eyes and tried to think of something else, anything else, but all she could see was that night.  All she could hear was her own voice saying no over and over again.  She’d said it.  And that should have been enough.  It wasn’t even the first time.  She’d said it before.  Drunk, sober, it didn’t matter, it had happened in both states.  She couldn’t blame the liquor or a misunderstanding.  She couldn’t find the logic anymore.  She couldn’t find the variable to make it disappear.  It was there.  It had happened.  It wasn’t her fault.

She lay on the couch, the tears starting to trail down her face.  Lara wasn’t even sure why she was crying.  Was it because of the knowledge of what had happened, or because of the overwhelming urge to run out and get a drink?  She was afraid to even move, unsure of what she would do if she left that spot.  Part of her mind wanted to die, another to vent the rage she could feel building within, and there was yet another part that wanted to just drink until it didn't matter.  None of her options seemed like a good solution, so she tightly clutched the pillow in her arms and willed her body to just stay still.

Kate awoke suddenly.  She wasn’t sure what triggered it,  from what she could recall,  she had been in the middle of a pretty good dream about a certain dark-haired professor.  The house was quiet.  She lay back down in the bed and closed her eyes, her mind easily drifting back towards the land of dreams.  Her eyes jerked back open suddenly when her ears picked up a sound that she thought might be crying.  Concerned and wide awake, she cautiously got up out of the bed and headed toward the door.  Opening it just a crack she strained her ears to hear the sounds in the apartment.  Realizing that it was indeed crying she crept out of the dark room into the living room.

In the shadows she could barely make out Lara’s curled up form on the couch, but she knew she was there.  She walked over and knelt down beside the couch, placing her hand on the professor’s face.  Without saying a word she turned the older woman’s face to meet hers and looked into pain filled blue eyes.   For a moment they just stared into each other’s eyes, both seeing far beyond the physical depth and straight into each other’s souls.

"Talk to me." Kate said simply as her fingers delicately wiped away the traces of tears that marked the professor's face.

Lara looked into the open green eyes before her, then turned her head away, trying to stop the surge of tears that threatened to overcome her.  Realizing it was impossible, she turned back to the younger woman, hiding nothing because she no longer could.  It couldn’t stay inside any more.  All the lying, all the excuses were gone, and all that remained was brutal reality that found it’s voice in a strangled whisper, "She raped me."
 

Chapter 10

Kate wrapped her arms around her friend, pulling her into a hug.  The blue eyed woman returned the embrace, then pulled back from it, resting her head on the back of the couch with her eyes closed.  Kate sat beside her companion,  reaching over to rest a hand on her shoulder.  Unsure of what to say, the younger woman remained silent, hoping her friend would take the initiative to speak.  A few minutes passed with neither woman saying anything.  Kate closed her eyes and tried to think of something she could say to Lara, but nothing came to mind.

"Guess you want me to talk first huh?" the professor said, noticing that her young companion was trying to think of something to say.   She leaned forward and put her head in her hands for a moment, then looked up and met her friend’s eyes.  "My life is pretty messed up.  There’s a lot of story here.  And all of it is connected in a way.  Its hard to explain."  She paused a moment, running her fingers through her long black hair and taking a deep breath.   "I’m not really the talking type.  I prefer to go in a corner by myself and kick and scream for awhile and be done with it."

It was true the professor thought to herself.  No matter what had gone in her life she never talked about it, even during the times when she felt like she needed to.  Lara was very good at keeping her pain buried deep inside.  All her  life she felt like showing pain was weakness, and she didn’t want to be weak.  It was her belief that she was strong enough that kept her going through the worst times.  She needed to believe she could make it on her own, never needing anyone else, never needing love.  It was the only way she could survive.

"I’m not going to make you talk about it if you don’t want to.  I just want you to know I am willing to listen if you need it." Kate said, breaking the silence and bringing Lara back from her thoughts.  The younger woman patted the professor’s shoulder lightly.  "I’m here for you."

Lara hadn’t heard those words from anyone in a long time.  Sure, Sandra would say them on occasion, but if what Lara needed to discuss didn’t sit well with Sandra, then the screaming and throwing things would start.  Lara had gotten so sick of the fighting that she had just stopped talking altogether.  It had been years since she had really discussed her feelings with anyone.  Her fear of being seen as weak and her fear of making everyone else angry, had kept her silent.  There was another reason also.  She had always felt that admitting things somehow made them more real.  The professor worked hard to run away from the most painful things in her life.  She may not have been drinking, but she still had an alcoholic's mind.  She had never really stopped trying to get away from everything inside, all her sobriety had amounted to so far was the letting go of her most dangerous method of escape.  Now the time had come to start changing the person she was and getting back to the real Lara.  The one that she had buried deeply beneath mental walls and protections.

So she spoke.  All the walls she had built up from her childhood began to fall in that instant, and finally a door opened letting another person inside.  She started from the beginning, details of her childhood, through her high school years, starting college, the murder of her family, the increase in her drinking, and finally her relationship with Sandra.  She hid nothing.  She was honest about the wrong things she had done to others, friends she had used to get what she wanted, the horrible abuse she had suffered at the hands of her lover, she told it all to Kate.  Somehow she felt she could trust Kate with all these parts of her life, parts she could barely trust her own self with.  She felt a connection with the younger woman she had never experienced in her life.  It was as if a piece of her that had been missing all these years was now sitting beside her.  It made her feel like her whole life was finally falling into place.  In that moment she could no longer imagine her future without the other woman’s presence in it.  To her, Kate was as necessary as the air she was breathing.

Kate listened to Lara’s story, showing understanding and giving her comfort when needed.  Lara was amazed to find that Kate didn’t judge her for the things she had done in the past.  Instead of judging the younger woman simply commended her on her effort to change herself.  That meant more to Lara then she could ever explain.  The two women talked long into the night, Kate trying to support her friend and help her work out all the things in her head.

Kate’s mind was reeling.  She was amazed at the woman that sat beside her.  She couldn’t imagine being able to overcome the obstacles that the professor had.  The dark haired woman had earned even more respect in Kate’s eyes, but it wasn’t only respect that Kate was feeling.  The younger woman felt something in her heart for her companion that was stronger than anything she had ever known before.  This new feeling both excited and frightened her.  She wasn’t sure how to deal with the emotions she was feeling for this woman.  Her mind was overwhelmed, but for the moment she resolved to just be supportive of her new friend.

Lara began to come to more realizations as the two of them spoke, and some of her revelations were not solely focused on the past.  The more she talked to the woman beside her the harder it became for her to deny how deep her feelings for her friend really were.  Finally she gave up the pretending and acknowledged that she was truly in love with someone for the first time in her life.  The feeling was unfamiliar to her and yet she knew exactly what it was.

For most of her life Lara had known a very twisted conception of love.   Abuse and power were love.  Anything that took power over her was love.  And she was in love with Sandra because she could beat down all those walls she had put up to hide from reality, and she was in love with her alcohol because it rendered her powerless against it.   She thought she loved it because it was what she wanted herself to be.  In control.

The abuse had gone on for so long.  She allowed it to continue as she tried to master that which controlled her and instead only gave it a stronger hold.  Every time Sandra cheated on her and left her Lara would see what was going on, it wasn’t like the last time had been the first time.  She would swear she  wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like that, and then Sandra would come back and Lara would let her, because it was love, and she swore she changed.  And every time the verbal, mental, physical, and sexual abuse would continue.  But it was love .  And Lara would drink.   She was in love with her bottle, and in love with her pain.  It was all she knew.

Now she was faced with a new feeling.  A feeling of love that was beyond anything that she ever imagined.  It was the kind of feeling that optimists spoke of but people like her didn’t believe was actually attainable.  Now she knew it was.  It was hers now.  She knew what pure, true, real love was, the kind that held no room for hate and resentment, or abuse and control.  In that instant Lara knew what the real meaning of the word was, and realized how far off her conception had always been.

It was the scariest feeling of her life.  She looked into her companion’s eyes and saw the same feeling reflected there, and she knew she wasn’t alone.  They both felt it.  A love that was strong and unexplainable, a love that took them both by surprise because it had appeared so fast.  Lara had never feared anything more than she did in that moment.  She knew she had two choices.  She could act upon her feelings or bury them.  The idea of acting upon them scared her more than she could ever imagine.  If she had that kind of love and lost it, she didn’t think she would be able to survive.  She had once lost everything in her life that had any meaning.  Why would this time be any different?  And what if she was wrong and she ended up in the same situation as her last relationship?

She acknowledged the fact that Kate was not Sandra and that not all people are the same.  She looked into her companion’s eyes and saw the love that was visible there, and decided that it was worth taking a chance on.  To be able to have that in her life wasn’t something she wanted to pass up, despite the fear.  She closed her eyes for a moment, her decision made, but needing to muster every bit of self confidence she had to chase away the remaining fear.  She opened her eyes and reached out her hand, caressing the younger woman’s cheek.  She leaned in closer to her, fingers lightly touching her skin.  Kate’s hand reached out in return, sliding across the professor’s face as the two moved closer.  An eternity passed within a second and finally lips touched.

The kiss was slow at first, both reveling in the feeling of their lips touching, but soon both got caught up in the moment, deepening the kiss, being pulled into each others’ arms.  Finally they broke apart, Kate resting her head down on Lara’s shoulder, bodies still intertwined.  They both sat still and quiet for a few minutes, just enjoying the quiet togetherness and the contact of their bodies.  In that moment Lara felt like the world was just the way it should be.  Her arms held all she ever wanted.  For the first time in her life, the professor had found a moment that she could call perfect.
 
 

Chapter 11
 

Kate led the professor to the bedroom and steered her onto the bed.  She then lifted the covers over the older woman before walking to the other side of the bed and laying down herself.  Both women closed their eyes and began drifting off to sleep, tired from the mental exhaustion of their all night discussion.  Before sleep claimed them completely, their arms sought the comfort of each others’ bodies, and once in each others’ arms, dreams took them both.

Kate awoke in the middle of the night and found herself still in Lara’s arms.  She was amazed at how comfortable she felt being next to the older woman.  Her mind was still racing over all the new feelings she was experiencing.  She thought it was love.  She knew it was, nothing else could feel like this.  She never expected to find love.  Her mind had been such a mess with all the other things going on in her life.  Her problems with her family were at the top of the list.  She often felt bad for walking out on her mother and never even letting her know that she was all right.  She also felt guilty for leaving James, even though she knew he wasn’t really the one she wanted to be with.  She did care about him though, and she couldn’t stand the idea that she had hurt him.  There had been many nights when she had thought about just picking up the phone and calling him. It killed her to be responsible for hurting someone she cared about.

Now she found herself lying beside a woman who brought out feelings in her that she had never imagined she would experience.  Even with these feelings, all her old guilt was still present.  She was lying in a bed beside everything she had ever wanted for herself.  A good woman who would treat her right, give her love, be there for her, and even though she had all that within arms reach, she still couldn’t shake the guilt she felt over leaving the people she cared about behind.  She told herself to be happy because she had what she wanted for herself and that was what was most important.  Feeling convinced she snuggled up to the other woman and fell back to sleep.

The next few days flew by quickly for the new couple.  Kate’s injuries were healing nicely and although the landlord had changed the locks to her apartment, Lara still insisted the younger woman stay with her until her injuries were completely healed.  Kate of course had no objections and welcomed the time spent getting to know her new lover.

The weekend brought good news to Kate.  The police notified her that they had a suspect in custody that fit the description she had given them of her attacker.  The two women went to the police station together and Kate picked her assailant out of a lineup.  Having that closure made Kate feel a lot better about everything that had happened.  She knew the trial was still to come, but she had faith that justice would be served.

Lara finished teaching her classes and giving her exams, which were graded rather quickly with the aid of her companion.  Once her grades were turned in she could officially consider the school year closed.  The next day was Christmas Eve.  By now Kate seemed to be in excellent health and their wasn’t any real reason why she should stay there any longer, so the couple agreed that Kate would return to her own apartment after Christmas.

The two spent the holiday together, inviting Emma over to join them for dinner.  Lara  and Emma got along surprisingly well.  Emma made sure to voice her approval to her best friend before leaving their company that night.  Once Emma was gone the two woman committed themselves to enjoying the time alone together, knowing Kate was to go back to her own apartment the next day.

The evening was pleasantly spent talking and enjoying each other’s company.  Before the night was through they had both produced an extra Christmas gift for each other.  The professor bought Kate a pair of earrings that matched the color of her eyes, and Kate bought her companion a gold bracelet.  They spent most of the night just being together, sipping eggnog and engaging in casual conversation before retiring to bed.  Since that first night they had shared Lara’s bed.

The couple had been in bed for about a half hour when Lara woke Kate up.  Lara herself hadn’t fallen asleep, instead she had stayed up, debating with herself whether or not to go through with giving the last gift she had purchased for her lover. Making her decision she crawled out of bed and grabbed the box from out of her dresser, taking the item out and putting the box away.  She then went to the bed and sat beside her lover, gently shaking her awake.

Kate woke up with a start, not used to someone abruptly awakening her.  What’s wrong?" she asked her lover immediately.

"Um." Lara said, suddenly unable to find the words she wanted to say.  She closed her eyes a second and tried to will her heart not to pound out of her chest.  "there is something I need to ask you Kate."

"What is it, is something wrong?"  the younger woman asked in a rush.

"No love.  There’s nothing wrong.  There hasn’t been anything wrong for as long as you’ve been in my life.  You make everything more right than it ever has been."  Lara explained.

Kate became very quiet.  She had a feeling she knew where this conversation was going, and she could already feel the happiness beginning to bubble up inside her.  She tried to keep her hopes in check, in case she was wrong, so she wouldn’t be let down.  She kept herself silent and motioned to her lover to go on with whatever she was going to say.

"I love you with all my heart Kate." Lara continued.  "I’ve never known as much happiness as I have since I have been with you.  No matter how bad other things get I look at you and I am happy. "

Kate shifted slightly, the excitement building up.  Now she was sure she knew what her lover was getting at and she couldn’t wait to hear those words.  Lara continued, "What I am trying to say to you Kate is that in you I have finally found the missing half of my soul.  I want to spend the rest of my life you.  Kate Wilson, will you be my wife?"

Lara paused a moment and then continued, silencing Kate before she had a chance to speak.  "I want to make sure you understand what I am getting at.  I know it is early in our relationship and I don’t want to rush into a marriage, but I want to make this commitment to you, I want us to start planning our future anyway." Lara didn't even stop to catch her breath as she continued her spontaneous propositon.  "I’m not saying we have to keep living together and run out and have a ceremony in the morning, only that I want to start planning for the long term, and I want my ring to be on your finger.  I want that for us.  So, will you marry me Kate?"  Lara asked as she got down on bended knee beside the bed and took her lover’s hand with her left hand, holding the ring in her right.

"Yes I will."  Kate answered.  "I would be honored to spend the rest of my life with you."

Lara silently slid the ring onto her lover’s left hand, then brought the hand to her lips and kissed it.  Slowly she rose from her knee still holding Kate’s hand.  She gently pulled her lover up and took her in her arms.  Lips met as they tightened their grip around each other.  When the kiss broke, Lara stepped back a step and reclaimed her lover’s hand.  "Dance with me."  Was all she said as she took Kate’s other hand and began to move to the rhythm of their heart beats.  There was no music playing, there were clothes scattered about the floor, but it didn’t matter.  They danced.  Neither knew why they did, but it didn’t matter.  Both wished that dance would go on forever.

The next morning neither woman wanted to get up, both knowing what was to come, but neither voicing the fact that they did not want to part company.  Both assumed it would be better for the relationship if they had some space in these early stages and never voiced their true desire.  Reluctantly both women rose from the bed and began their morning routine.

By noon Kate had all her belongings together and Lara prepared to bring her home.  They had already picked up a set of the new keys to Kate’s apartment from the landlord, and no detail was left undone.  With nothing but their own emotions to prevent them from leaving, they both grabbed a handful of the younger woman’s belongings and walked out the door.

They had dinner together at Kate’s house and Lara offered to stay over the night to help Kate settle back into her old place.  Kate gratefully accepted the offer that she had been secretly hoping to get.   She felt much better knowing her first night back wouldn’t have to be spent alone.  She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t asked the older woman herself, but concluded that she didn’t want to trouble her lover, who may want some time alone after having a house guest for so long.

The next morning the two women headed back to Lara’s place to begin work on researching the field data Lara had accumulated on her last assignment.  The two had been grateful to find out that their relationship did nothing to hinder their ability to work together.  For the next few weeks they spent their time analyzing the field data as well as giving their guest lectures to Professor Jenkins’ class.  In the evenings they would have dinner together before Kate would head home to her place.

They were making excellent progress in their work and were both happy with their relationship with each other.   Both women felt like they had the whole world at their command.  Life was better than Lara had ever known it.  All her old fears and insecurities were being replaced with new strengths that she never knew she had.  She began to gain back some of the self respect that had been previously lost to her years of alcohol abuse.  She had never felt so good about herself as she did at this point in time.

By now it was mid January.  School would be starting in a little more than a week, and both women had teaching obligations to fulfill.  They brought their research to a close temporarily to give themselves a chance to organize for the upcoming classes.  They still met for dinner nightly, even though they spent their days carrying out their activities alone.  It was on one of these nights that Kate received an unexpected visitor.

Lara had left about two hours earlier, and Kate was readying herself for bed when she heard a knock at her door.  She opened the door a crack without undoing the latch and was shocked to find herself looking into the eyes of her mother.  Her first instinct was to simply close the door and ignore the banging that was sure to follow, but instead Kate closed the door and unhooked the latch, allowing the older woman to enter.  Despite what had happened between the two she couldn’t bring herself to slam the door on her own mother.

"How did you find me?" Was Kate’s first inquiry.

"I got your address from the school." Her mother responded.

Kate made a mental note to seriously hurt whoever gave out that kind of information on her.  She pushed down her fury at her personal information being given out without her consent and focused her attention on the issue at hand.  "It’s late mom."  She simply said, at a loss.

"I know.  I came by earlier and there was no answer, so I figured I would try again later when you were more likely to be home."  The older woman answered.

Kate took a deep breath and debated what she should say.  Finally she simply asked "What is it you came for?"

"To see how my daughter was doing of course.  Its been months since I’ve seen you Katy.  I worry about you and that lifestyle…."

"Stop right there mother.  I don’t want to hear it.  it is my life and I will live it how I want."  Kate responded.

"I know dear."  The older woman said with a sigh.  "But don’t blame a mother for being concerned about her child."

Kate conceded that she could not really be angry at her mother for her ignorance and concern, and realizing that she might have a chance at helping her mother to overcome her prejudice, she decided she would like to try.  Her mother said she didn’t want to keep her any longer because of the hour and prepared to leave.  Before walking out the door Mrs. Wilson asked her daughter if she would come by the house the next day so they could talk more, and Kate agreed to stop by for a visit.  It couldn’t do any harm.  Could it
 

Chapter 12

Kate stepped out of her car; her boots crunching on the newly fallen snow that covered her mother’s driveway.  She wasn’t sure what to expect upon entering the house, but she knew she had a bad feeling about this.  Her first instinct was to turn around, get back in her car, and drive to her lover’s house and forget her mother ever showed up at her door.  Instead, she continued to make her way up the driveway.  Kate was actively ignoring her first instincts these days.

She walked through the front door and through the house where she had spent much of her childhood.  She made her way into the kitchen and found her mother seated at the table drinking a cup of coffee.  The older woman offered her daughter a seat, which Kate accepted.

"So how have you been mother?"  Kate inquired.

"Well…." This tip off launched into one of her mother’s sob stories about all of the things wrong in her life.  Kate listened, feeling bad for her mother and slightly angry with herself for not being there for her.  Kate felt as if she could have helped her if she hadn’t turned away from her to live her own life.  Suddenly Kate felt guilty for walking out on their relationship. After all, her mother loved her, shouldn’t she have been there for someone who loved her?

Kate listened to her mother’s story of how money had gotten tight, soon she was most likely going to lose the house, and of how Kate’s brother had run off to do what he wanted.  Kate wished she had been there to help her mother through all of this.  She felt guilty for not supporting her and guilty for turning her back on the love that was offered to her.

"I don’t want to lose this house Katy."  Her mother told her, wiping away a falling tear.

"I know, mom, I know.  Is there anything I can do to help." Kate responded.

"I can’t stand to lose anything else," the older woman cried.  "I keep losing everything I love, I can’t stand to lose anything else."

"I’ll help you any way I can mom.  Really I will."  Kate said.  The young woman had never had such a low opinion of herself.  Here was the woman who had been there for her, loved her, given up a lot for her, and what had she done?  Shut her out to go do what she wanted instead.  She thought to herself that she should have at least tried to be there for her somehow.  She should have tried to keep the relationship intact, and she promised herself that from here on out she would.  She would not abandon her.

Mrs. Wilson excused herself from the kitchen to retrieve a tissue.  Kate was deep in thought as to what she could do to help her mother when the back door creaked open and in walked James. Now she was face to face with her jilted fiancee as well.  James sat down across from her.  "How’ve you been?" he inquired of Kate.

"I’ve been doing all right James, how are you?" Kate responded.

"As well as I can be I suppose." He responded.  Kate looked at him closely.  He looked worn out and skinnier than she remembered.  "Things have been rough lately.  I’m sure your mother told you about her situation."

"Yes she did."  Kate responded.

"I’ve been trying to help her out you know, with Ron gone she needed someone.  I can only give her so much.  My family refuses to help because you walked out on me."  James told her.

"James, I needed to…"

"Don’t." he cut her off.  "I don’t want any explanations.  It's simple really.  Be with me and we can make this work.  She can be happy.  She loves you, she thinks this is what is right for you, don’t turn you’re back on her."

The guilt was firmly in place in Kate’s mind.  She thought that if she hadn’t left, had just stayed then she would never have caused this pain.  Besides, nothing in her life was ever really going to work out was it?  She had something great with Lara, but for how long?  They talked about forever, but was it really possible?  Lara could find someone better than her and be happy, and she could make the people that needed her love happy now.

"I don’t know James.  This is something that I need to think about."  Kate said, not knowing what else to say.  Her guilt was making her want to say yes, after all, she had made an agreement to be with him, but she had also made a promise to Lara and she loved the professor.  She stood up from the table and went to say her good-byes to her mother and left her family home as fast as she could.

She had dinner with Lara later that night, and elected not to tell the older woman what had happened to her in the last twenty-four hours.  She had previously told Lara of her problems with her family and suspected that Emma may have said a word or two to the professor about it also.  Still, she didn’t want to tell her lover or her best friend what had happened today.  She decided it was better that they think she was still not speaking to her mother or her ex fiancee.

When Lara left, she lay down in bed but could not sleep.  So many thoughts were spinning around her head.   She could honor her vow and marry James like she said she would, while helping the woman that raised her in the process.  She hated the fact that she had hurt James.  Even if she hadn’t wanted to marry him she, still cared for him.  She just didn’t care for him the same way she cared for Lara.  Finally after hours of tossing and turning, Kate fell into a fitful sleep.

Over the next few days, the younger woman gave no indication to her lover that there was anything going on. She pretended everything was normal, leaving little love letters like usual, and still whispering the same promises of forever she had since they became engaged.  But her mind was still trying to figure out where she should be.  Every night she would try to sleep but the debate raging in her head wouldn’t let her.

Kate awoke from yet another restless sleep.  It was daylight so she decided she had slept long enough.  She walked through her tiny apartment, retrieved a cup of coffee for herself, and sat down to drink it.  Her mind was reeling still.  She felt so guilty for walking out on the people who cared about her.  It had kept her up for days now.

She committed herself to working this problem out, knowing that she could no longer go on this way.  She knew she loved Lara, but would it last?  She wasn’t sure if true love lasted.  She was still afraid of what she felt for her lover, and was even more afraid of losing it and ending up alone.  She knew that if she were with James she wouldn’t have to worry anymore.  She knew exactly what to expect from that relationship.  There was no mystery, no fear.  It was easily predictable.  She could make them happy and take her guilt away, and have what she knew, what was familiar.  It seemed so much better than taking a gamble where she could lose it all.  Losing Lara later would kill her, she knew it.  If she got out now, and had something to go to, it would keep her mind off the professor, then it wouldn’t be as bad.  There was no way she could keep a woman like Lara.  The professor was, in her eyes, meant for bigger things than her.

Kate walked over to the phone and dialed seven numbers after taking a moment to remember them.  James picked up the phone at the other end and Kate told him she needed to see him and gave her the address to her apartment.  He arrived within twenty minutes and Kate let him in and offered him a seat.

Well, I guess if you are calling me over you made a decision." James stated.

Yes, I have", Kate responded.

"So will you marry me Katy?" the young man asked.

"Yes James, I’ll marry you." The words were said, it was done.

      *********

Lara walked up to Kate’s apartment.  The two had dinner plans for the evening and Lara was looking forward to it.  She was slightly bothered by the fact that Kate didn’t call her beforehand like she said she would, but the professor quickly dismissed it.  She knocked on the door to her lover’s apartment and waited.  A moment later Kate answered the door.  A man was standing behind her.  Lara knew what was coming even before it was said.

"Lara, I am so sorry, really I am.  But I am going to marry James."  Kate said.

Lara closed her eyes briefly and steeled herself to finish this conversation.  "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes I am." Kate replied.

Her resolve about to break she asked the question that burned in her mind. "You don’t love me?"

She thought she might have heard a whispered no, but wasn’t sure, so she looked into Kate’s eyes and said, "I guess not."  And with that she turned and walked away, tears threatening to fall with every step.

The cold January wind forced Lara to pull her hood down over her face as darkness engulfed her retreating figure.  There were no stars in the night sky, no light to guide the lone figure, yet still she walked.  Boots crunched their way across the newly fallen snow to her black Jeep Cherokee.  The engine grudgingly started in response to the turning key, and then she was gone…

     *********

She was alone in her apartment. Unsure of what to do with herself.  She wanted to be angry; to hate Kate for doing this to her, but all she could do was cry for her loss.  Everything had been fine the day before or so it seemed, she had no idea what could have changed.  All the words of love that were shared between them only hours before had suddenly meant nothing.  But it couldn’t be like that could it?  Lara knew this must have been going on for some time.  She couldn’t believe she didn’t see a sign, but even now looking back, she still couldn’t.  Could Kate have manipulated her that well?  The only person she ever knew who could do that was Sandra.  Lara refused to believe that Kate was just like her ex lover who had harmed her so much.  The professor couldn’t believe she had been that wrong.

A bottle sat in front of her on the table. Jack Daniels.  It could take her pain away, she knew it.  She could taste it just looking at it.  She could feel the burn of it hitting her stomach, and the warmth spreading through her chasing away the coldness within.  It seemed like it was the only answer.  All she needed to do was pick up that bottle and drink and then she would be free of the darkness that was threatening to consume her.

She’d been down this road so many times before, hiding from what she felt.  She didn’t want to travel it again.  She didn’t want to lose the person she had become, but at the same time, the professor could not find a place to put the pain besides in that bottle.   Her mind screamed for her not to while her hands ached to touch it and her tongue begged for a taste.  She didn’t know what to do.  She just stared at it, her body shaking from her barely controlled emotions.  She reached out and took it in her hands.  Then threw it against the wall, smashing it.
 
 

Chapter 13
 

Lara turned the key and the engine responding quickly.  She turned up the volume on her stereo.  With one motion she shifted the vehicle into gear and slammed her foot on the accelerator.

"There’s a hole in my soul that’s been killing me forever"

She barreled around the turn, completely ignoring the stop sign.

"yeah I should have known better."

She screamed with the radio.  Pushing the Jeep faster than it wanted to go, driving down roads that represented her whole life.

"I know there’ been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed"

Past the train station.

"Now I sleep with my boots on, but your still in my head"

Through the village.

"If it's over…"
"Then it’s over….and it’s driving me insane."

The roads were dark and there was no sign of anyone.  Lara was alone.  Completely alone.

"Tell me how it feels to be the one who turns the knife inside of me"

She veered left and began heading down the winding road toward the water.

"There’s nothin’ there girl, yeah I swear…"

She had the pedal to the floor as the tears streamed down her face.

"Is it over?"

Another turn and and she was past the county club.

"Yeah its over"

The water was barely visible under the black night sky.

"And I’m blowin’ out the flame"

Lara stepped out of her car and walked onto the dock.  There was no light.  She walked over to the edge and looked down at the water.  It was as black as she felt inside.  She walked the length of the dock searching her mind for answers, but found none.  There were no real answers.  Only all the hurt, anger, and pain in her mind.  She gave her heart fully and it was crushed.  All the fear she thought was unreasonable had in fact been justified.

She was alone again, like she had been so many times in her life.  Memories came flooding back to her.  Of Sandra, of the demise of her family, and now of Kate, who she believed would be the one she would spend the rest of her life with.  The one she had planned to grow old with.  She'd never wanted to grow old, preferring to die young, but when she met Kate, she would have lived to one hundred if she could spend all those days with her.  And now it was gone.

Her mind was screaming for answers, for a reason why a person can say one day that you are the love of their life and the next day tell you they want to be with someone else.  There were no answers to be found.  Lara wondered if it was love at all if she could leave like that?  And then she realized it didn’t matter.

All that mattered was that she knew what she felt, and had a complete understanding of herself.  Lara knew that she had experienced a pure, true love that mortals rarely get to know.  And she lost it.  But at least she had it.  At least she could live her life knowing what it felt like.  And if it wasn’t reciprocated, so be it.  It didn’t change her feelings.  She would always love Kate.  The green eyed woman had helped her find the parts of herself that were so long missing she thought they no longer existed.  She had the kind of love she had always wanted.  She felt it, she knew it.  Even if it was brief, it was more than most people have the chance for.  She would never lack that in her life.  She knew what true love felt like, and that was what mattered.

Lara stood at the dock and watched the light begin to hit the waves. They were no longer the black she had seen when she first arrived there.  There was a world of possibilities before her that had never been.  Perhaps there would never be another relationship, the way she felt now she didn’t want one.  She preferred to let her last love be this true love.  But there was still other parts of life to live.  The pain was still present, she knew it would be, but who knew what the future held.  Maybe someday things would be different.  There were a lot of maybes now.  Maybe someday her love would realize what she lost and maybe not.  Either way she still had a life to live.  Lara looked to the sky and saw the orange and purple colors streaking across it, and the sun beginning to show itself and shine down upon the world.  It was morning.
 
 

"And I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance."
 
 
 

On to  Memory Dance