Jennifer paced the waiting area of the hospital. Little Max slept fitfully in her arms. She had never felt the level of fear or guilt that she felt now. Even when Max was missing, it wasn’t quite like what she felt now. She’d been so focused on Max that she hadn’t even considered Jonathan. He warned her Kramer could be dangerous but she didn’t listen. And now he was paying the price of her selfish and impulsive behavior. What would she do if he didn’t make it? He wasn’t just someone she shared her life with. He was a part of her. If he died, she was sure a huge part of her would die too. And then what kind of mother would she be? God if she’d just listened to him. Agent Larson would have been there. He had grabbed Kramer before he could reach the street.
"Mrs. Hart?"
Jennifer swung around hoping for news on Jonathan but turned to find Agent Larson.
"I just wanted to stop by and check on you. You look tired. You need some rest."
She shook her head. "I couldn’t rest even if I wanted too."
He’d known she would refuse. But, with Jonathan’s life in the balance, he felt compelled to support her. "How about some food?"
She shook her head again.
"You need to eat. You’re a nursing mother. Max needs you to eat."
He was right. And damn, she was still doing it; still focused on her needs at the expense of her family. She nodded, "Yes, I could use some food."
"Let me take care of it. Milk? Maybe a turkey sandwich?"
"That sounds good. Thank you."
When Agent Larson returned, Jennifer was still pacing the floor. "No word?"
"No," she said. "They said it could be hours still." She bit back a sob. She was holding on by a bare thread.
"I can hold Max while you eat."
She shook her head. "No, I don’t think I’ll ever put him down again." She sat down. "If you could just put the food down here next to me."
"Sure."
"I appreciate your getting this. I don’t seem to be able to think very clearly lately."
"It not hard to understand why." Agent Larson sat down next to her. "I think you are holding up very well."
"Thanks," Jennifer said taking sip of milk.
"I do need to ask you what happened in the store before I got there. Are you up to it?"
Jennifer shrugged. "We went there to pick up some things and there he was."
"You were sure it was Max?"
"No doubts. Jonathan knew it too."
Agent Larson nodded. "Did he see you?"
"Yes, he saw Jonathan and immediately made a run for it. I shouldn’t have gotten in his way but I couldn’t help it…" A new batch of tears threatened. "If only I’d listened to Jonathan. He told me to wait." She shook her head.
"You were acting on instinct. I know that and so does he. Besides, he could have let Kramer go too. You were safe. You had Max. He didn’t have to stop him."
Jennifer knew he was right and yet she couldn’t help but think Jonathan attacked Kramer because they were safe. Jonathan was a decent and fair man, until it came to his family. Then he felt a need to exact his own kind of justice. He’d almost killed Elliot once … it was the first time she’d seen the dark, desperate and menacing look in his eyes. She’d stopped him, not for Elliot’s sake but for Jonathan’s.
"I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him. He is as much a part of me as my heart."
Agent Larson nodded. "You’ll make it. You’ll have to for Max. But, Jonathan is strong. He has a strong desire and reason to live."
Jennifer smiled. "You are very kind and forgiving. I would have thought you’d be chastising me."
He shrugged. "I can’t chastise people who are acting on impulses such as yours. You couldn’t any more help risking your life to save Max than Jonathan could to save you both."
Jennifer ate some food. She wasn’t hungry but she knew she needed the fuel for Max.
"Listen," Agent Larson started. "I arranged a room for you here at the hospital. I know you don’t feel like sleeping but you need your rest just as you need to eat. I’ve made the nurses and doctors promise to wake you as soon as there is news about Jonathan."
Jennifer would have argued except at the mention of a room and rest, she felt the fatigue through her entire body. She nodded. "Thank you for all your help."
"Here is my number again. Call me if you need anything or just to let me know how Jonathan is doing."
Jennifer was asleep before her head hit the pillow. She’d sat in the rocking chair nursing Max. For a bit, she reveled in the feel of him suckling at her breast. It had seemed forever since she’d last held and fed him. The perfectness of having him in her arms was diminished by the fear that her husband may not survive.
When it was clear she couldn’t stay up a single second longer, she climbed into the hospital bed. With Max tucked in by her side, she sank into a deep sleep. It seemed she’d only just fallen asleep when Max woke her with a wail.
"Hungry again already?" she whispered. She looked at the clock. It was two hours later than when she fell asleep. "My, I hope you learn to sleep in longer spurts soon." She put Max to her breast. She watched him as his little pursed lips suckled and caused little squeaking noises. "I sure wish your father were here to see this." She gently rubbed her hand over Max’s peach fuzz of hair.
"Dammit," the doctor said as attempts to clamp a new source of bleeding failed. "George, can you get that?"
"Alex, he should have been dead hours ago. It’s lost."
"He’s not dead yet. And if he’s fighting this hard to make it, we can’t give up. We don’t give up until long after he does."
Jonathan was vaguely aware of life around him or leaving him. He wasn’t sure. He felt as if he were in that state of sleep when you aren’t quite awake and yet you weren’t sleeping either. Light illuminated the distance and then faded. What was he supposed to do? The light came again. Not like one you’d see at the end of a long dark tunnel. This advanced slowly like a mist. As it came closer, he was torn between a desire to let it encompass him and a fear that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to return. The fear forced him to move back but he couldn’t move. Try as he might, he stayed in place as the mist surrounded him. It was warm and comforting but he knew he didn’t want it to be. He looked up and saw a figure approaching. He once heard someone say that a person came to meet you when you were dead. It didn’t matter what religion you were, someone always met you on the other side. Who would meet him? The mother he’d never known? Sister Margarite?
"Hey Mr. H."
"Max?" Jonathan watched as his dearest friend emerged from the mist.
"I hate to say it but I’m sorry to see you."
Jonathan’s face dropped. He couldn’t be dead. He wasn’t ready. There was so much love left to give Jennifer. There was more he hadn’t been able to give Little Max.
"No." His voice was barely above a whisper. He looked to Max for help. "I have … we, Jennifer and I, we have a son. He’s only a few days old. I can’t … We named him after you Max.
Max smiled, his eyes glowing. "I know. I can’t tell you what that meant to me… to be honored like that."
Max was now right next to him. He seemed so real. Jonathan would have reached out to touch Max but he was afraid if he did he’d ruin any chance of going back. "Max, I’m not ready."
"You are one of the few people who will never be ready, Mr. H. Not unless Mrs. H. were right next to you."
"There must be something I can do, Max. Anything, tell me please. My heaven is with Jennifer. You know that."
Max nodded. "Its not for me to decide."
"Then who Max? Who do I appeal to?"
"The decision is with you … in this case."
"Huh?"
"Well in some cases, the decision is made by the nature of things. Old age, severe car wreck, stuff like that. But in cases like yours, where life lingers, where doctors or nature can heal wounds, then often the choice is yours. You have been fighting hard and long this night. You are tired and even the doctors seemed to lose hope. But look, they have stopped the bleeding and they are waiting to see …"
When had the ability to see outside of himself appear? He watched as the doctors worked in anticipation. He heard them say he’d been out nearly 25 minutes.
"The time to choose is running out … Go Mr. H… Jonathan. Go back to Jennifer and your beautiful son. We will meet again another time… much later."
Jonathan watched as Max began to drift away from him. "I love you Max," he called.
"I love you Jonathan."
The power was stronger than he’d have imagined. Like gravity, his body seemed to pull him back. The closer it came, the darker it got until there was nothing.
"Mrs. Hart?"
Jennifer heard the soft, quiet voice but found it difficult to pull herself from the sleep.
"Mrs. Hart. I have news of your husband."
At that Jennifer’s eyes popped open and bolted upright to a sit with Max still in her arms. "How is he? Please God, please tell me he’s okay."
The nurse smiled. "He’s pulled through the operation. The doctor still has him on the critical list but he feels very good about Mr. Hart’s prognosis. He will be here to see you in a bit."
"Thank you, nurse. Thank you so much."
"You’re welcome. Now, get some more rest. I think you need it to care for your husband and your new baby."
Jennifer sat back. "Did you hear that Max? Daddy is going to be okay." She kissed his soft head. He began to stir and looked up at her. "Hi sweetie." She looked at her watch. "Just in time. It’s been two hours."
"No, Max will not go anywhere without me."
"Please Mrs. Hart. We don’t want to risk your husband or your son getting infections from each other. We’ll put him in the nursery where he’ll be cared for."
Jennifer smirked. "You don’t seem to understand. I will see my husband and I will take my son to see him as well."
"What’s going on?" Agent Larson asked as he approached Jennifer and the nurse who were in a fairly heated debate.
"I was just explaining to Mrs. Hart that she shouldn’t take the baby in with her to see her husband. I offered to take the baby to the nursery but she flat out refuses to be reasonable."
"I don’t blame her really," Agent Larson said. "I mean the last time a nurse had a hold of Max here, she switched him with a terminally ill baby. Certainly some sort of exception can be made."
The nurse looked horrified. "That was you?"
"Yes."
"And, Mr. Hart’s injuries are a direct result of saving his son. I think he’d like to see the little guy."
"Well," the nurse hesitated. "Let me check with the doctor and see what we can do."
"Thank you so much for that," Jennifer said as the nurse left.
"Not a problem. I was getting worried."
"Worried?"
"You might hurt that nurse."
Jennifer offered a coy smile. "Who me?"
Jennifer sat next to the bed with her hand in Jonathan’s and the other wrapped around little Max. She’d never seen Jonathan so frail looking. It broke her heart. Max began to fuss again. Checking her watch, she noticed it was time for another feeding. "Remind me to set my watch by you," she said to him.
She sat back in the chair to nurse Max. Although the feedings every two hours was wearing, she never got tired of watching him as he took nourishment from her body. It was a miracle.
Jonathan’s eyes opened to Jennifer nursing little Max. For a minute, he was afraid he did go to heaven after all. The image was too perfect. But then her eyes lifted to his and a glorious joy spread over her face.
"Jonathan," she whispered as tears ran down her cheeks.
He smiled and tried to talk but found his mouth raw and dry. Still he had to let her know. "You are beautiful," he mouthed.
Jennifer smiled back. She carefully got up from her chair and moved closer. "We are together finally. A family." She took his hand with her free hand.
It was then Jonathan realized he was in heaven … his heaven on earth.
Epilogue
"What’s this?" Jonathan asked as he walked into the kitchen.
Jennifer turned to him. "Surprise!" The table was set with his favorite foods. Little Max, now two months old, was in his special reclining high chair.
He smiled as Jonathan bent over him. "What have you and your mother been up too?"
"We wanted to celebrate your first day back to work."
"Glad you got me out of the house, eh?" He took a seat at the table and ran his finger over Max’s cheek. Max turned his head toward the finger as if he planned to gum it.
"Not on your life," Jennifer said as she sat herself in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. "It’s been a long two months. Today seems like the first that life is how it is supposed to be."
Jonathan smiled in understanding. It had been a more difficult recovery from the shooting than he would have guessed. He blamed it on age. And although he enjoyed being home with Jennifer and Max, his worked often called to him. He hadn’t realized how much his work was a part of him. He missed Jennifer and Max while he was away and yet, being back at work exhilarated him. She understood that. Of course she did. She understood everything about him. He slid his arms up her back and pulled her to him. His kiss was a mixture of love and awe, and little something else.
"Does that mean the day went well?" She asked as she came up for air.
"It’s been perfect so far."
She smiled impishly, "And the day isn’t over yet."
Jonathan’s brow’s lifted but Jennifer was out of his lap and serving dinner before he could question her.
The dinner was filled with joy and gratitude. Afterward, they both gave Max a bath and played with him. When Jennifer nursed him for his final feeding before bedtime, Jonathan sat cradling Jennifer as she held their son. Together they put him to bed with a little song and a kiss. Jennifer turned on the baby monitor as they headed quietly to their own room.
"What a perfect day," Jonathan said as he took Jennifer into his arms.
Jennifer smiled up at him. The emotion at having him with her when two months ago she feared she lost him overwhelmed her.
"Hey?" Jonathan said as he realized she was beginning to cry. He wiped her tears with her thumbs.
"I’m sorry, I just … I was so scared I lost you." She looked into his eyes. "I don’t know how I could survive without you."
He smiled. "It’s the same for me. But I have it on pretty good authority that we’ll be around for awhile still."
"Really, did you have one of those out of body experiences?" she was teasing until she saw the look in Jonathan’s eyes. "You did, didn’t you?"
"I don’t know what it was actually. Maybe a dream. But I did see Max and a light. And I was terrified that my time had come."
"Oh Jonathan," Jennifer wrapped her arms around him. "Hold me."
He did as she asked and savored her warmth as she held him back.
"I’d planned something a little less intense than this," Jennifer whispered. "But, I’m not sure I can lift myself from this emotion."
Jonathan pulled back and looked down on her. "You had plans?" He grinned as he pondered the possibility.
His smile, that gorgeous, boyish grin, lifted her spirits like nothing else. It turned the desperate need to something lovingly wistful. "I had a little something planned, if you were up to it."
He was up to it alright and he pulled her against him so she could feel it. Her eyes widened. "My," she gasped.
"It’s been awhile."
"Yes." Jennifer felt the youthful exhilaration that came from sexual anticipation.
"Is it okay? I mean, did Catherine okay it?"
Jennifer smiled. "Catherine okayed it on my six week check up, two weeks ago."
"Two weeks ago!?" Jonathan gaped. "Well, what are we waiting for?" He pushed her so she fell on the bed and he followed her down with a flop. He grinned at her as she looked up at him starry eyed.
"We were waiting for your doctor to okay it," she said as she looped her arms around him.
"Who needs a doctor? I haven’t felt this strong and virile in a while."
Jennifer laughed and shifted her body so her warmth cradled his hardness. "Indeed."
Jonathan captured her lips in a kiss that was filled with joy and elation. It was about celebrating life and each other. "Oh wait." Jonathan broke the kiss.
"What’s wrong?"
"Do we need anything … protection or something?"
Jennifer laughed. "Jonathan, you make it seem like we’re 16."
He grinned again. He couldn’t stop grinning he was so damn happy. "I feel 16. This time may go by quickly," he said with no sense of embarrassment or apology.
"So the next time will be longer."
"My thoughts exactly."
Jennifer slipped her hands under his shirt.
"But what about …"
"Its okay," Jennifer said. "Catherine put me back on some pills."
"Is that okay for Max, since you are breast feeding?"
"Yes. Now can we do this Jonathan?" Jennifer feigned impatience.
"You want me bad."
"Jonathan, you don’t even know how bad."
His eyes turned feral, "Don’t tell me. I’m going to find out for myself." His hand slipped inside her pants, reaching for her heat. "Oh my," he whispered as his lips nibbled on hers. "That’s bad."
Jennifer moaned as his fingers found that one exquisite spot. "Not yet," she begged hoarsely.
With a quickness they’d never had guessed they had, they disposed of all clothing. With the same sense of joy and wistfulness, they sought to give pleasure and take delight in each other. They rolled and tumbled, nipped and nibbled, and they squeezed and clung. The made the ascent together and then not wanting it be over yet, they held each other at the tortuous pinnacle. Over and over again, they took each other to the edge of the peak only to hold off the final release until neither could hold back any more. Their bodies sleek and damp slid together joining as one. Moving in perfect harmony they took each other even higher than they’d ever remembered going until the passion flooded them both, bursting forth in waves of ecstasy.
It was several minutes before either could speak. Jennifer’s head rested on his chest where she could hear the steadying beat of his heart.
"That was…"
"Yeah…" Jennifer responded.
"But I don’t think I want to make love only once every few months to achieve this result."
Jennifer giggled. "Two months! God, Jonathan, no wonder." She found enough strength to pick up her head and look down on him. "I like all the ways we make love. But this, I don’t think I could do more than once every few months."
He pushed back a perspiration soaked tendril of hair. "It’s something we can strive for from time to time."
"A goal. It’s good to have goals."
"Perhaps this next time we can go for something a bit more slow and sensuous."
"This next time?"
Jonathan smiled sheepishly as he pulled her body to his again.
Jennifer’s eyes widened at the feel of his almost full arousal. "Jonathan you are randy this evening."
"I have two months to make up for."
"That you do."
As the dawn came up on the new day, Jonathan watched Jennifer as she slept. He knew she’d been up at least once to feed Max and more times than that to satisfy his own hunger. Still, she didn’t look tired. She looked peaceful and happy. She looked as he felt. A few months ago, they had made love and wondered what their life would bring with a new being. Their life as a family started joyously enough and in a flash it seemed to end. Now, two months later, they had each other and Max. Jennifer’s concerns about being a mother were completely unwarranted. Even she wondered how she could question her ability to be a mother. She had told him that Max was the second man in her life who really made her feel like a woman.
Jennifer rolled over, nestling into his arms. It was then he noticed she held little Max as well. She did that sometimes still at night. She said it was because she was too tired to get up and nurse him; it was easier to keep him with her and nurse him in bed. He wondered though if maybe sometimes she needed him near just to feel secure that he was home. He couldn’t blame her. He frequently woke up in the middle of the night to check that she was there and he was home.
Jonathan pulled Jennifer close, holding her and their child. Life just didn’t get any better than this.
