Mr H arrived in London today, accompanied by Yours Truly. If there’s one thing I hate about England, it’s the weather! It’s been raining so much since we got here, that I made Mr H take his coat with him when he visited the hotel bar!

Since we arrived, the press has plagued Mr H – they seem to think he’s the hottest thing that’s happened since the Watergate break-in! One reporter in particular, a pushy newspaper dame called Jennifer Edwards, seems determined to get her hands on Mr H’s assets! He reckons that she’s a chain-smoking, love-starved matron who peeks through keyholes to get a good story – I reckon that she’s a pain in the butt!

She must be keen, because she rang our suite pretending to be the hotel’s Assistant Manager. We knew she was lying because she asked to come up to our suite to investigate a leak from the suite above – she obviously didn’t realise that we were on the top floor! What a nitwit! I hope we don’t run into her during our stay – she’s scary!

At the moment, I’m putting my feet up and availing myself of the hotel’s facilities. Mr H’s hormones have migrated to his trousers…again! He called from the lobby to say that he was taking a young lady out for dinner! My boss is one fast worker!

This morning when I went to wake Mr H, there was no sign of his ‘young lady’, except for a single red rose which had been left on his pillow. Last night must’ve been a great success because he could barely remember any of it, except her! Apparently, her name’s Louise Tobin and she’s a fiery redhead – Mr H had better watch out!

Talkin’ of mysterious women, chain-smoking, love starved Jennifer Edwards must’ve been peeking through some keyholes last night – her ‘Exclusive Interview’ with Mr H was plastered all over the front page of today’s London Herald! Mr H is fumin’ – he swears he never talked to her! One thing’s for sure – he will now!

Oh, I almost forgot - I finally got to meet Mr H’s ‘lady friend’! All I can say is Jeez Louise, what a dame! No wonder Mr H cheered up when she showed him her freshly baked muffins!

So much has happened; it’s hard to know quite where to start! Firstly, Miss Jennifer Edwards ain’t a chain-smoking, love starved matron – she’s Miss Louise Tobin! Secondly, someone tried to kill Mr H because they didn’t want him to sign the papers to rescue Kingsford Motors! Mr H and Miss E were shot at during a high speed chase through the streets of London – in the end I dropped them off at Greenwich Pier and carried on driving, to act as a decoy. Mr H and Miss E somehow managed to get on a tourist boat – I don’t know what happened to them during their trip, but whatever it was, it changed Mr H’s feelings for Miss E! They boarded as enemies and disembarked as ‘Just Good Friends’!

As Mr H and Miss E left the boat, a Neanderthal called Bowley kidnapped Miss E. When Mr H tried to stop him, Mr Bowley threw him in the river! After a quick stop at the hotel to take a shower (and, boy did he need one!), Mr H waited for Mr Bowley to deliver a message from his boss. Mr H then followed Mr Bowley to the Tower of London where his boss, Charles Thompson (the kinda guy who makes my bookie look like a fine, upstanding citizen!) was waiting with Miss E. When Mr H and Miss E leaped into action, they lived up to that famous American expression ‘When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going’!

If all that wasn’t enough drama for one day, Mr H decided that even though Miss T was really Miss E, he loved her anyway! He was worried that if he went to Kingsford Motors to sign the papers, he’d never see Miss E again, so I came up with a cunning plan. I told him to talk to the cops and get them to take Miss E to Scotland Yard for further questioning – she was so impressed that, as she was being driven away in a police car, she called Mr H a heel and said that she never wanted to see him again! Sorry Mr H – just call me Stanley Frieson!

In desperation, Mr H enlisted the help of Calvin (the real Assistant Manager of the hotel!), who followed Miss E to the airport. Posing as a plain-clothes cop, he took her for questioning…to Tower Bridge! At first she wasn’t too impressed, but Mr H finally won her over when he asked her to marry him – he had banners with the words ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ hung across Tower Bridge! Miss E said yes, which I where I came in! Dressed as an 18^th century coachman (complete with frock coat and powdered wig!), I took Mr H and Miss E on a horse drawn carriage ride through London. It was kinda embarrassing for me because they were all over each other like a rash! I had no idea that Mr H was so supple – he must be double jointed!

I didn’t get much sleep last night – my bedroom is right next door to Mr H’s! He and Miss E were at it all night like a sale at Harrods! The guy in the suite below is threatenin’ to sue for injuries sustained by falling plaster!

This morning, Mr H and Miss E ordered breakfast in bed…followed by lunch…followed by dinner…followed by supper! I ain’t seen them all day, although I can hear them! I think half the population of London can probably hear them!

We returned home today in Mr H’s private jet. There was a lot of turbulence going over the Atlantic, but I don’t think Mr H and Miss E noticed it – in fact, I think they probably caused it!

On our way home we made an unscheduled stop in Maryland to see Miss E’s father. She wanted to tell him about her engagement, but the media had beaten her to it! Mr Edwards took the news pretty well – after he calmed down, he threatened to have Mr H strung up from the nearest lamppost by a certain part of his anatomy!

We stayed the night at Mr Edwards’ house which was great – until Mr Edwards returned home early from dinner with a friend and discovered Mr H and Miss E doing the horizontal foxtrot on the living-room floor!

Mr Edwards seems to have accepted the fact that his daughter is serious about marrying Mr H. I think last night’s ‘performance’ convinced him – let’s face it, they must be truly, madly, deeply in love with each other to risk incurring Mr Edwards’ wrath by getting up close and personal on his favourite Persian rug!

After breakfast, Mr H and Miss E took an early flight to LA. I think Mr H was glad to get out of Maryland alive and with all parts of his anatomy intact!

On arrival in LA, Mr H spent all afternoon showing Miss E his assets – then he took her to the head office of ‘Jonathan Hart Industries’! She was very impressed with his skyscraper – and the ‘Jonathan Hart Industries’ building!

Mr H then brought his fiancée to our house. After carrying her over the threshold, he gave her a guided tour, beginning and ending with the bedroom! Miss E has already started making suggestions about how to bring a feminine touch to the décor – this lady is definitely here to stay!

My first full day looking after Mr (and the soon to be Mrs) H! There are going to be quite a few changes now a lady’s living here!

1. A lock will have to be fitted on Mr H’s bedroom door – this morning I just walked right in and asked Mr H what he wanted for breakfast! When I saw that he was already getting it from Miss E, I made a hasty exit!
2. Before entering any room in the house, I must remember to knock on the door, cough loudly or shout "Hey Mr H, are you in there?"
3. I’ll have to make sure that I’m fully dressed when I sneak downstairs in the middle of the night for something to eat! No more snacking in my shorts!
4. I’ll have to come up with a convincing excuse to use when Mr H and Miss E can’t come to the phone because they’re…er…otherwise engaged! Perhaps something along the lines of "Mr H can’t come to the phone right now because he’s in the middle of something!" or "Miss E can’t come to the phone right now because she’s tied up!"
5. I’ll have to know when it’s time to make a discreet exit! Good signs that Mr H and Miss E may want to be alone would be:-

1. When they start kissing
2. When Miss E moves onto Mr H’s lap
3. When Mr H suggests a game of strip Poker, strip Monopoly, strip Scrabble, strip Snakes & Ladders, strip Twister or strip Who Wants To Be a Millionaire!
4. When Mr H says "For God’s sake Max, are you into voyeurism or what?!?"

I guess I’m gonna be takin’ care of both of them from now on, which won’t be easy, because when they met, it was Murder!