God I love my master
Of all the dogs I have the best master
What a great master
Yes I can get on the bed Yes I can have
A bite of her brownie Oh No it's a
Pot brownie oh god I am so high
She is starting to look very weird to me
So much skin so much open skin on her so bald all over
I want to smell her mmmmmmaster mmmmmmmaster
She's laughing at me quit laughing at me
Now she's barfing now who is laughing
Har Har Har Master oh no now I'm barfing
She thinks there was LSD in the brownie
He is laughing
Now I am outside for biting the boyfriend
I hate
The Boyfriend
Now I am outside
There was LSD in that brownie
Maintain maintain
Please let me back in Master I am 
Riding on a really bad trip Master
Please Master Please Baldy
Before I eat garbage
Before I bite car tires
Master I need to come in
Before I go over to Pepe's yard and
Tempt him with my LSD barking
Hey Pepe Pepe Har har har rawo rawo rawo
Oh No Pepe is not attached to his chain!
Running running steps steps steps PLEASE MASTER PLEASE
PLEASE OH NO PLEASE
Door opens Thank you Master I love you Master what 
A good Master
The Boyfriend says he is too high to look at me
He agrees
There was LSD in that brownie
He got it from his neighbor
She wants to go to the hospital
He says she'll come down in a minute
All our jaws are tight and we want to bite each other so bad
My jaws are killing me this is worse 
Than the chocolate mescaline from last week that made
Me just want to hump her
My Beautiful Master
If you think she looks good now
You should see her on mesc.
GOD I HATE THE SOUND OF THIS COLLAR
MASTER GET THIS OFF ME MASTER WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The Boyfriend wants to hear The Doors
Don't play The Doors on acid. Not that man's voice on acid. No.
I will freak. I will bite. Maintain maintain
I will lay on the floor I will close my eyes
Oh no I see too many of Pepe's heads
I see mange
I see cans of Skippy Dog Food
Cans and cans of Skippy Dog Food swirling
Flashing I'm peaking
Don't think about Skippy 
Don't think about Pepe
Think calm thoughts. Calm ones.
Master. Mmmmmmmaster.
Master wants to hold me Master wants to hold me
Come here boy come here
Get Him Off The Bed says the Boyfriend says the Freak
Get Him Off Because I'm Freaking
This Is Very Bad Acid says the Master 
I Need to Hold Him to Maintain says the Master
Mmmmmmaster
And when her fingers touch under my chin
And when her fingers undo my collar
I am blissed out.
I lick her fingers
The Boyfriend says he hates me
And has always hated me
The Boyfriend is starting to confess
Everything
I look into the Master's green eyes
They are getting larger and larger

Now it is later. The Boyfriend is gone.
The Master says he is a fag
Good riddance she is crying
I lick her face
We are coming down
Our jaws ache and itch
Finally she falls asleep and then I fall asleep
And somewhere 
The fag boyfriend falls asleep
Fag boyfriend if you are ever reading this
I thank you with all of my heart
I thank you for the righteous brownies
And I thank you for confessing that when you were high on acid
That you fucked Vicky
And Stacy
And Angela
And that you are not really sure
If girls turn you on.
Girls turn me on
Thank you Boyfriend thank you sir
Now you are outside forever
I love my Master I love my Master
God I love my Master
Of all the dogs I know
I love my Master
best.

-- Bob Barker, The Poodle

(Lynda Barry, Bob Barker's mmmmmaster.)