Dear J.J.,
Happy birthday! I can't believe it's been a whole year since you were born. It's been a year since I was able to see and to hold you. I miss you so much. I'm sure that you got a beautiful birthday cake in Heaven, and that you probably shared it with all of the other babies. Your daddy and I went to the cemetery today. We took you some more flowers. Everytime I go there, I just want to reach down and grab you, but I know that I can't. It's the worst frustration in the world. I just want to hold you. I'll have to wait until I'm in Heaven to see and hold you. Then, we can spend eternity together. Meanwhile, you're still here in my heart, and on my mind. I know that you watch over me. I know that you can still hear me when I talk to you. I love you so much, sweetie.
J.J., you mean the world to me. I remember telling you the day before I found out that I had lost you, that if anything was going to go wrong during the delivery, that I wanted it to be with me, and not you. I said that if something did happen to me, your daddy would have been able to take care of you, and he would have help down here taking care of you. I wish you could be down here. I know that you are in a great place, though, and that you're being taken care of.
Please forgive me for not being able to have you here with me. God wanted you to be with Him, and He is the one who made the decision to take you. I had no control over that. I wish I could have pleaded with Him not to take my baby. I always ask Him, "Why?" You're in a much better place, though. I bet it's beautiful there.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday! I cannot believe you're a whole year old. I keep trying to picture what you would look like. I know that you're taking good care of your brother or sister. God took my two sweet babies for some reason. I wish I knew why. I love you both.
Please continue to watch over me. I know that some day we'll be reunited. Until then, I'll keep looking at your pictures, touching the things from the hospital, looking at your star (the brightest in the sky), and visiting the cemetery.
I love you!!! I miss you!!! Happy Birthday!!!
Lots of Love, Hugs, & Kisses,
Mommy
Written by Heather Ann Koch-Mesmer
on July 22, 1998
in Loving Memory of
Gerald Joseph Mesmer,
born still on July 22, 1997
