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Just trying to finally come clean knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling ~Not a Pretty Girl, Ani DiFranco That song is my manta. Mantra, in sarahspeak, means "the thing I repeat to myself over and over to keep me alive when things get touchy." It doesn't always make sense to the situation, but it always works. I played "Untouchable Face" for two of the so-called "gang" today. I played it for them because it was the first Ani song I ever heard and the song itself seems to have wider appeal than most of ani's songs, so I thought maybe they'd like it. They only seemed to catch the line "she's not my type." That of course started a whole series of "what's that mean? is she gay?" questions which I answered as honestly as I could without going into my "I HATE LABELS" speech (which I didn't think they'd appreciate.) I got the answer "eww... I can't imagine ever putting my hands on another woman's body" and I was so proud of myself, I spoke up for ani and said "you don't have to, that's her." or something lame like that and she ignored me and continued with "you better not either! Imagine it, I mean, either of you." I didn't say anything. I wish I had said "What if I did?" but I didn't. I didn't say anything. What is this "gang" I've gotten myself into? And am I in the right place? Should it even matter? I am moving further and further away from identifying as "lesbian" and I don't know whether it's fear or if it's natural. I'm moving closer and closer to a, "I'll fall in love with who I want to fall in love with at that particular moment" and I'm also moving closer and closer the realizing it's a whole lot safer to fall in love with someone male. I don't even know how to fall in love with someone female. I've done it. I did fall in love. But I can't do it that way again, and if I had the choice, "go back to middle school so you can fall in love or don't" I would shout "don't." So where does that leave me? It leaves me without a label. And that's fine for me, in my own head, I think. Labels are no good. Once I have one, I start acting it to the fullest extent. I can't be "part" anything. So instead, I guess I'll be nothing. In a crowded subway car Some guy tried to feed me some stupid line in some stupid bar y'know I see the same shit everyday the landscape looks so bleak I think I'll take the first one Of youse home that does something unique ~Face Up and Sing, Ani DiFranco What was I thinking when I signed up for Chemistry, anyway? I think I might be in over my head. It seems to me the collective "gang" seems to have more respect for me after Saturday night. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is and I don't think I really mind. Truth is, I have more respect for myself. They also seem to have much more respect for me once I explained the reason I don't go out with them is because I couldn't get in the door. (it's not the entire reason, of course, but they don't need to know that.) ...I really think they all genuinely forgot that night. They know I have a driver's license, which you need to get in- I think they all completely forgot that my license wouldn't do me any good. I have nine more months until I could get in using that. They tell me they're going to take me out shopping (for clothes, I own nothing that's not cotton.) and then go with me to a bar where you can get in with your student ID. And I might just take them up on it. |
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