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I was social.
All weekend. This is an absolutely incredible feat, you realize that, don't you? I never once locked my door for two hours to recover. I never once needed to. I spent all weekend with people, barely opening my books, and I'm beginning to understand for the first time how it is people come to college and fail out. Friday night, we hung out in the dorm until 2am, when I went to bed. Did you notice that "we"? (anyone who hasn't read Carson McCuller's Member of the Wedding should definitely do so.) in that book, she says "I'm just looking for someone to make "we" out of "me"" or something similar (I know that's not exact) and everytime my mom talks about that book she talks about how sad she thought that line was. I never thought it was sad- it made sense to me. saturday, I went to the gymnastics meet and then we all camped out in one of the rooms upstairs to watch "Scream" (I didn't watch the whole thing...) but still. And then hung out around here for a while. a bunch of people went out to a bar I can't get in. (and they understood this time.) and today my dad came up and we went to a movie (Simply Irresistible- I'll go see Sarah Michelle Gellar in anything.) ...and then this evening, just now, there were people in my room just hanging out... and I think I laughed harder than I've laughed in years. And this is all a good thing, right? I've noticed that I can't say "my friend so-and-so." the phrase "my friend" just doesn't come out of my mouth, and I don't know why. I guess maybe I just really got out of the habit of saying it. But I've noticed other people introducing me as their friend. and it wouldn't be a terrible thing to say, "my friend" I don't think. I think I need to revise my definition of friend. friend does not have to equal someone you tell everything to to the point you can finish each others sentences. I think maybe it can just mean someone you are comfortable enough with to let them sit in your room looking through your cds while you explain how to tell which ones you listened to "during" your "crazy period" ...and if that person actually seems interested.... maybe that's enough. I don't think she believed me much about the crazy period, but it is still a fairly reliable method- you go through my cd cases and find the cds that are cracked or are missing the liner notes. Those are the cds I listened to while I was crazy. and I explained how I can't listen to some of those songs, and it wasn't a serious conversation or anything. we were laughing around. and another girl from across the hall came in and wanted to learn how to chat on the internet so I was trying to show her that when we decided to put in "Foreigner" (Mr Moonlight) and I said something offhand about that cd having memories and the girl-from-across-the-hall asked if I'd had sex to that song and I said yes (I wasn't lying.) and everyone just started laughing that she'd guessed that... and what I'm trying to say is that I had fun. and I think that maybe that's not such a bad thing once in a while. I tend to feel guilty after I have fun doing something. I think maybe I should get over that. It is weird listening to this cd again. it surprises me how little I remember about it. I almost wore the cd out. I bought it about the same time I bought Blessid Union of Souls first album and those two had very heavy play in my cd player toward the end of eighth grade. I don't remember most of the lyrics to this cd, even thought I remember sitting on the floor next to the cd player reading the lyrics over and over. What I do remember, I think, is the feeling. It's a very vague sort of emptiness. It isn't has hard as I thought it would be, though, to hear it. The Foreigner Cd, I mean. I've tried listening to the Blessid Union of souls cd and I can't. if this cd has a very vague sort of emptiness, that cd has a very distinct one. it makes me curl up into a ball and hide under the covers and it is just way too dangerous. There is one song on this cd I remember very well. It's called until the end of time, and I know I listened to it and quoted it and listened to it some more... but I don't remember doing it. I know I did it because I can still remember all the words so I must've... but it's one of those things I can't remember. belonged to me I thought that love meant pain and jealousy it was a cross on my shoulder Oh Lord, now I feel so much older Time had a way of making me see my lonely life has taken its toll on me Now I feel the emptiness and I don't want to live like this Now I've heard stories, I've heard songs telling me believe me heart don't wait too long but words they don't ring true until there was you. Never will I lose this heart's desire ever will I feed our love's fire Only when I know that you'll be mind Until the end of time How do I trust what I'm beginning to feel How deep my soul, how much can I reveal? I'm lost in love's mystery caught between time and eternity okay, so that song is more "pop" than anything I listen to now, and I can completely understand (now) how it would seem very presumptious (or at least melodramatic) for a 13 year old to be quoting it. But I did. and I listened to the line, "Oh Lord, now I feel so much older" over and over again. because I did. something happened to me between 12 and 13 and it drove me crazy and I didn't know how to deal with it. I went from being a little kid to a teenager way too quickly. and I understood that, even then. there are other songs I can't listen to. I have trouble with Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart... I can listen to it in crowds but if it comes on and I'm alone I kinda break down. Basically all of "fumbling Towards Ecstacy" is a problem... that's the cd I lived off of that whole year, and even hearing a little bit of the song "Elsewhere" drifting in from someone else's room is enough to make the little man in my chest do a somersalt. the same with "Good Enough" and "Hold On" although I can make those be okay if I concentrate on making them background music. Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" is beyond me. That song is torture when it comes on the radio because I can't change it. I usually have to start reciting an ani song in my head. and Sophie B. Hawkins As I lay me down is one of the worst... it only played on the radio during bad moments, during the period where I believed that songs on the radio and certain times were signs. I already said Blessid Union of Souls... their whole first cd is beyond me. And there is a Genisis cd I have only played once in my life and I will never play it again. (that story might be in the archives under "elsewhere") also, Melissa Etheridge's angel song... even thinking about that song is hard. (it's the last song on her Yes I am cd) ....Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell II cd... "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" and "Life is a Lemon" are really bad... "Rear view Mirror" (or something like that) is the worst one. I think that once I listened to that song (back then, when I was 13) and collapsed crying. I only "think" that because I don't remember it happening, but I do remember writing about it happening, so it probably did. In any event, I can't listen to the song. All of Bette Midler's Experience the Devine cd is hard- the Rose and Wind Beneath my wings are probably the worst. there are other ones... we had so many "bad" songs that I couldn't even list them all. Most of them I can hear now and be okay. (oh, I forgot Field of Dreams by Sting and The Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen (can I remind you that this was three years before Jerry Maguire and yes, that song did exist back then.)) my bedroom at home is painted blue and green and has a ten-color rainbow. those don't hurt anymore, unless I go up close and look at the pencil drawings by the rainbow. I am basically surrounded by reminders 24 hours a day when I'm at home... maybe that's why it never got better. But here, the only reminders are my cds. It isn't near as hard to remember her as it is to remember me and the way I was then. the-girl-across-the-hall (umm... not the one who was in here earlier, the other one.) just came in and said "happy valentine's day" and gave me two chocolate candy hearts. ...and for as much as I complain, I think I'm gonna be okay. |
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