I'm thinking of taking a leave of absence. I can't believe I actually wrote that down. I haven't told anyone. But I'm miserable. I love my chemistry class. It's new and interesting and if I could take just that I would be so happy. but I have three other classes, and I can't stand any of them. I've already missed more classes than I did last semester, and it's only been four weeks. But I've only missed one each of those three classes, and out of all the other times I showed up, not once as anyone said anything interesting. It occured to me today that I'm not really interested in anything any more. I tried to study today, we're reading Plato. I tried to read and I ended up locking the door, closing the blinds, and crying for an hour. I didn't even get through a page. I have absolutely no motivation. People have always complained to me that they hate all their classes, and I never understood it before. It's almost like when I was in high school. Everything lost purpose. I didn't do any work and I didn't care. The problem is, here I care. I can't quit now. I have worked so hard to get here and I just don't understand why I'm not happy. I am just so tired. I've never been able to give up. I still want to do this, really. I want to graduate. But the thought of staying here ten more weeks is beyond me, the idea that I have another whole year... I want to call my mom but I'd start crying and give myself away. She has no idea. My dad knows I don't like the classes but I don't think he has a clue how much. I know even while I'm writing this that I won't quit. But just thinking about all the work I have to do makes me feel like going to bed. And my grades have always been in direct proportion to how much I like the class. I'll get an A in Chemistry, I'm sure. The thing is, three C's and an A don't balance out too well, and I can't remember why I care. I haven't opened my health psychology book even once. Our first test is on Thursday, the same day as my first Urban Politics test. I'm really trying in that class, I've been doing the reading and I'm still not doing very well on the quizzes. They're essay quizzes, I got 17 out of 25 on the first one. I think it's confidence. I think it is impossible to get an A on an essay test here. At least in the political science department. Because I haven't done it. Last semester, I was interested, I studied, I knew what I was talking about. And I never got better than a B+ on an essay test. And I know it's not that I can't write, I got an A+ on the term paper. And I try to say something, ask him what the difference between a B and an A is. And people just look at me like I'm crazy. Like I should be ecstatic with a B. But I'm not. I've spent years expecting A's and I've never met anyone who got an A in an essay test class. I need at least a 3.0 this semester to keep my scholarship. I don't know why I care about all this. I do, I really do. But I can't for the life of me remember why. okay, the bottom line? I'm not having fun any more. The first two years, when I was at the community college... I loved it. I loved everything about it. And now.... I find myself giggling at 4am the night before a test, and not even caring until the next morning. My level of apathy is right up where it was when I left high school... only now, I care when I get the grades back. I feel so guilty when I get back something I know I didn't study for with a C on it, and I know I should've studied harder, but I can't imagine actually doing it. I don't have the energy to work that hard any more and I don't care enough to try and find the energy. I'm thinking maybe I'd be fine if I could get over needing A's. Or maybe I just need to wake up. ~me