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I haven't written lately, because I've started talking. I've started saying, "I'm feeling panicky," when I'm feeling panicky and, "I'm having a bad day," when I'm having a bad day. And not just to myself, to actual people, who actually hear me and ask, "why?"
Occasionally, I'll even tell them the truth. It's amazing, really. I am capable of carrying on a decent conversation. And even more amazing, I can tell people things I would normally keep hidden, and the world doesn't end. I always think in terms of how much I'm giving away... can I say I love Sheryl Crow's song, "Strong Enough" or is that giving away too much? Can I point out my favorite lyrics, or is that giving away too much? Books are hard, songs are really hard, and my actual feelings are the worst. The hardest part is that I don't think anyone else notices. They don't notice that I scream harder to the line, "every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry," even though I think they should. And they don't notice that I always play, "Hide and Seek" loud, and sing louder to the verse, "girl, next time he wants to know what your problem is, girl next time he wants to know where the anger comes from, just tell him this time the problem's his, tell him the anger just comes, it just comes." Or if they do notice, they don't get it. They would never guess how hard it is to say, "I love this line." and then watch as they listen to one of the many lines that defines me. I'm thinking I should not sign on to aol instant messanger while I'm trying to write. Too much distraction. I registered for next semester- foreign policy, congressional politics, hitchcock films, intro to computer science, and women, sex, and food (it's a literature course.) That part's pretty cool, but the best part is the times... I don't have a single class before 1:15pm. Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays my first class is 2:30pm. I can finally go back to normal-Sarah-time - up till four, sleep till noon. I'm so excited. I won't even have classes that late- Mondays and Wednesdays I'm done at 5:15, Tuesdays at 4:30, and Fridays at 3:30. Thursdays I'll have a 6-9 class, but it's the hitchcock films class so it shouldn't be too bad. My brain just ran dry, I really have nothing else to say. ~me |