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Classes are over, my first final is in 36 hours, and I just don't want to go home.
I've never before been in a situation where I felt like this could quite possibly be the best time of my life. I always laughed whenever anyone said that I would look back and smile. Especially when people say, "high school years are the best years." But this is fun. This is more fun than anything else I've ever done in my life. It's like one great big slumber party that just never seems to end, only now it's ending and I'm not at all sure how I'm going to handle that. I would love to freeze time, right now. I like me here. Last night was our last Friday night here, Kat and Michelle (they're both 16, they go to high school around here) spent the night in my room. We only drank a little bit, we spent most of the night working on a fake ID for Kat. My attention span was nonexistant, so it took forever because I kept screwing up. Sara kept coming in and talking about how the guys wanted her to go to the bar and pick up a girl and how she would actually do it... and I have no idea how to describe how weird that is. She knows I'm gay, but I never told her. And she never would've come in here talking about it, if she hadn't known Kat and Michelle are too. And I don't know how she does it. Sara is closer to who I want to be than I am. I've decided we're almost exactly alike except she has social skills and she isn't ever afraid. I am beyond happy to just sit in her room watching her or listening to her. I try to talk, talking doesn't come easily to me. When I have conversations in my head, they're usually with her. it's not a sexual thing, I've decided. I thought it was at first, but it's not. I relate to her more than anyone else here, and she absolutely fascinates me. And to have her come in my room last night, talking about girls... She understands the things I have to explain to everyone else. I did sort of come out to her. There were three other people there and they all missed it. It was a couple weeks ago... we were all sitting in my room and Magen was playing guitar and we were singing Ani songs. And Sara came to the door to show us her new bathing suit and ask if we liked it. We did. She came back a few minutes later with a great big fleece on over her bathing suit and said she didn't want to get dressed because then she'd just have to get undressed when Erin got here. And I asked why she had to stay undressed for Erin and she said "so she can see my bathing suit" and she must've seen the looks on their faces, Kat and Magen and Tera are all gay and much more out than I am. And Sara said, "Oh yeah, she's my secret lesbian lover you don't know about, we've been goin' at it all year..." or something like that. And I looked at her and said, "There can't be much you don't know about, living next door to someone for 8 months." And she smiled and she looked at me and she said, "Oh, I know all. I only pretend to be stupid, I really know everything." And it was one of those rare, unspoken moments where we both knew what had just happened and we both knew the other knew. It just went right through the air and into our brains. And I think she wants me to talk about it because it seems everytime I'm around she talks about how she hates close-minded people and a lot of people hate her church because it's open to homosexuals. If I'm ever going to tell anybody, it'll be her. They all went to get garbage plates.... I don't eat meat so I'm stuck here by myself until they get back and then we're going to drink and play pictionary- stoners vs. drunks. I'm on the drunk team. Last week the stoners won, and we weren't even drunk, it was just potheads vs. nonpotheads. Did I mention that I don't want to go home? I'm leaving here Thursday, unless I can think of an excuse to stay until Friday, and I start work full time Monday. And for that I have to live at home. Ugh. How pathetic would it be if I just drank the Zimas by myself while they're gone? ~me |