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there is really only one rule in my room- candles can't be blown out. they're put out using something... preferably something non-flammable, like a paperclip, to push the wick into the melted wax, smothering the flame...
Kat once taught melchelle that blowing out candles angers the fire gods. Melchelle taught me this right after kat died... i haven't blown out a candle since. last night, i was really really stoned, and sitting on the floor eating peanut butter crackers, when I noticed the candle on the desk was dripping onto the floor... and I pointed this out to melchelle, who got up, and, after fighting with it for a few seconds, blew the candle out. I was shocked. "you blew the candle out!!!" ...she responded by saying, "yes, i blew the candle out, it's not the end of the world, darling." ...in a really mean tone of voice which she really only gets when I'm more fucked up than she is, and i'm acting stupid and getting on her nerves. And I started to cry. I never cry. the last time I cried in front of people was at the wake... and even then I don't think melchelle had ever seen me cry. and at first I wasn't really crying, i was sort of faking it, to make her feel bad... except once I started I couldn't stop. i just kept sobbing... and i kept thinking of kat, and "she should be here" and "I never got to smoke with her..." and then I wasn't thinking at all, I was just crying, and melchelle was holding me... and alice was eating her granola wondering what the hell was going on. it was the most bizarre experience. i've really never gotten emotional like that before. when I break down, i break down in private. and i know they were both thinking "wow, she's really fucked" ...but it wasn't just the substances. I would've gotten upset anyway... i just would've hidden it. and there's something very liberating about that, about getting upset and showing it, instead of burying it somewhere to come out later, misplaced. it's 11:30 the next night, and I'm still not completely sober... we woke up around noon, I was still stoned then, so alice and melchelle decided to smoke more to catch up with me... only melchelle gave up after a couple hits and I couldn't let alice finish all by herself, so.... :-) i have to be the most irresponsible person I know, really. I just spent a week at home, sleeping, because I have mono and am supposed to rest. I'm still not allowed to work. And since I can't drink (mono affects the liver and hence alcohol is off limits...) we decided to break in the itty bitty blue baby buddha bong instead. (try saying that three times fast. It's the most bizarre thing, I can't say it when I'm sober, only when I'm not.) I have a paper to write, that was due last week, and I still don't know what I'm writing it on. I have two classes to make it to this week, and i probably won't even do that. i'm really fairly pathetic, and the amazing thing is it doesn't bother me, and i rather like it this way. and time is still really weird... I can't figure out what happened to today, i have no idea where it went. and last night i kept thinking 3 hours had gone by while I was... doing whatever i was doing... and it never had, it had been like 2 minutes. and sex is really strange under those circumstances, when 5 minutes seems like 2 hours. and that's all i'm really prepared to say about that. i've been teary in general, lately. ER made my cry on thursday, and I cried again the next day watching maury povich, which I had never watched before and probably never will again... but somehow I ended up watching this bizarre episode "Help, my 10 year old is out of control!" ...in which maury sent 5 "out of control" kids to boot camp to be yelled at and reduced to tears in an effort to straighten them out... I felt so unbelievably bad for the kids, I was just sitting there with tears rolling down my cheeks. It was bizarre, because I'm really not usually like that. I'm actually considering the possibility that it's hormonal... my period was two weeks late, that would theoretically mean all my hormones are screwed up. yeah. don't actually know where that came from, but why not. i keep getting occasional whiffs of pot. I think it's coming from my hair, which is in desperate need of shampoo, but that would require an extreme amount of effort. i'm still considering renaming/changing this whole webpage, but that also requires effort. I am becoming a slacker of the 10th degree. That being a phrase I just completely made up, i have no idea where it came from. yeah, please take this whole thing with a grain of salt, i'm not all here right now. i don't know where i am and i don't know where here is, but i know i'm not all there. our friend jeffie showed up at 2am last night... it was the most bizarre thing, actually getting up and going outside and attempting to have a conversation. i'm really not being articulate... i'm not sure if i ever qualify as articulate, i'd like to think i'm usually better than this. all quotes are by ani, by the way, unless otherwise stated. it's like how you got the night you told me all your dreams and when the barn roof sagged after an icy bout, it's like how you shrugged when you knew the truth was the only way out but not the only way and if i wrote you, if i wrote you you would know me and you would not write me again we drew our arms around the bastard sons we never would drink to the chosen once well, you know the way i left was not the way i planned but i thought the world needed love and a steady hand so i'm steady now and i'm so happy, i had to tell you I sent that excerpt of a dar williams song to my ex-girlfriend. it's the first time i've attempted to communicate with her since thanksgiving last year... and i don't know why i bothered because i knew she wouldn't write back, i didn't want her to write back... i just read those lyrics, and they made me think of us, and that's what we always used to do, we used find new songs and send them to each other... and we don't do anything we used to do, we don't do anything at all... but i still felt the need to send her that song. i sent it several days ago and got no response. the next line in the song is "i love you" ...i debated for almost an hour whether to send that line or cut it off before then. i eventually decided to cut it off before then. i'm not entirely sure why. i don't know if i still love her or not. it's hard for me to say i don't, because we swore it was forever, and we held on to the idea that love was forever, whether or not we were.... and i've had trouble letting go of that idea and i'm not even sure if i should. is it inherently unhealthy to love someone you haven't seen in years and never will see again? my gut response to that is that it's inherently unhealthy if you expect to get something from it... i have trouble remembering her sometimes now, and i'm far from being in love with her... but despite that she was an enormous part of my life. Probably the biggest thing that ever happened to me. and i can't just forget that, i can't pretend it never happened, because it had a profound effect on me. it changed me, and if it hadn't happened i'd be a different person than I am. (that was redundant, wasn't it? I'm sorry.) i'm not going anywhere with this and I don't know how i got here. i was just quoting random song lyrics. just exactly how you feel before you end up parked and sobbing for it on the steering wheel don't tell me it's gonna be alright you can't sell me on your optimism tonight there are songs i still can't listen to, we called them "bad" songs which are roughly equivilant to what I currently call "happy" songs. I find that ironic... then, any songs which we really related to were known as "bad", now they're "happy". and I think that's fairly emblematic of my entire change in attitude... but that's not the point. i've been trying to decide what the "worst" song is. and i've decided they come in categories... there were the songs that were bad to me, alone, in my room. and there were the songs that were bad as "us," ...we had so many songs. and "Lady in Red" is by far the worst of those... followed by fields of gold ("feel her body rise as you kiss her mouth..."), "I believe" by blessid union of souls, ....and "talking to my angel" by melissa etheridge definitely falls in that category, it might actually be the worst one. i'm not sure. and of course elsewhere... ...I think the worst "me alone" song is "home" by sarah mclachlan... but there were so many, and a lot of them i've managed to recapture. i can actually listen to runaway train and total eclipse of the heart. they're very hard to separate, because every song that I consider primarily bad for me, we did listen to together. we did everything together. and so the categories are very fluid, depending on where the memory is at that particular moment... strong enough, rock and roll dreams come through, until the end of time, elsewhere, good enough, mary, home, mary jane, runaway train, come undone, as i lay me down, children of the night, the entire Genesis cd which is currently buried in my crawl space (and intends to stay there), you can't possibly understand how long i could go on... half of my current cd collection, plus all the ones i've stopped carrying around, since i can't listen to them anyway... and i wonder if i'll ever do that with the current songs. i mean, will there ever be a day that the memories i associate with dar williams, "party generation," "are you out there?"... will it ever come to the point that I can't listen to those songs because they remind me of things i don't want to remember? it seems possible to me, but i don't want it to be. Six months from now i'm going to be out looking for an apartment. and a job, to pay for the apartment. and food, and gas. and adult things. it's very scary, i don't really feel like an adult. i mean, i know i can take care of myself, i've been doing it for a while now. but an apartment is a whole different thing somehow. i feel that it should be heard loud and clear we all need a big reduction in amount of tears... one of the last times i saw Kat we were sitting in the back of magen's car, on our way to the city, and that song came on the radio and we started talking about it and i mentioned i'd only heard sarah mclachlan's version, i'd never heard the weird version on the radio before... and magen got all excited, "Sarah sings that song???" and kat wanted to hear it to, and i was going to play it for them... that's just somebody's holy hoax... if there's one thing i don't believe in it's you..." "i will remember you will you remember me don't let your life pass you by weep not for the memories" more afraid to lose clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose once there was a darkness a deep and endless night you gave me everything you had oh, you gave me light everyday nothing i do is good enough for you when i get tired, and start writing, the writing inevitably goes to this. i think it's the one really unresolved issue i have. when i'm tired and barely functional, i don't write about my parents or my childhood or even myself... i write about her. and it's not that i miss her, i really don't. "most of the time i wouldn't change it if i could..." ...even now, i wouldn't change it. yes i would. i wouldn't change how things worked out, i'd change how she dealt with it... and instead of her dealing with it by running away, i'd have her deal with it like i do... by obsessively rehashing every detail until some sense is found. i can only think that it would go twice as fast with two of us working on it, and there's no one else who can help me. i just had a thought... there are a lot of songs i say i "can't" listen to, but i have... i've listened to all of them, except for sarah mclachlan's first two cds. the last time i remember listening to either of them was in the downstairs bedroom... meaning it's probably been 5 years... my memories of that time all include the green carpet... it's embedded into everything. it's less dangerous here we are now, entertain us i feel stupid, and contagious here we are now, entertain us... i miss melchelle. playing hookey making something out of nothing the need to express, to communicate to going against the grain going insane going mad i originally decided to write, because i had to write about the incident last night when i started crying... i don't know what happened and i don't know why it takes so long to scroll to the top of this... i have no idea what i've said. i'm very dizzy. okay, so i just put in "touch" ...one of sarah mclachlan's old cds... i didn't expect to recognize it, i didn't expect to remember it. i do. whose idea was this and shouldn't i know better by now? fuck. wait, i don't swear. i take that back. "backspace, delete." those angry cries pass quickly by he can't be seen so many ways spent hiding in so many undone plans forgetting what it's like to fight when no one understands close call there in the shadows there's a fear in the dark there's no one out there all those feelings pain & anger flood back one by one they must be just around the bend they always come it's amazing, the way memories work... you listen to music at a certain time, and it gets stuck there. and you don't listen to it for five years and then you do, and all of a sudden you're back. it's like being sucked into a black hole, i have no control over it and really i don't want to have control over it... it's somehow comforting to know that i can never really forget. because when i think have forgotten, there will always be something there to remind me. and it won't necessarily remind me of events, because those go away relatively quickly... especially when you're the sort of mind set that events don't matter because you're too depressed to even really register them at the time.... but it pulls back feelings. and impressions. and all i really remember is the carpet. and the journals. i do vaguely remember writing, i remember writing the lyrics to some of these songs... probably a lot like i am now... and i'm constantly tempted to lock myself in my crawl space and read those journals... i don't think i ever will, though, because i don't think i'm ready for that, i don't think i ever will be. there are two possibilities... it would put me slightly closer to figuring it out, or it would suck me in and i wouldn't be able to leave. it's a very strange world that leaves me holding on to nothing when there's nothing left to loose i wonder why i always let you lead me on this way cause you see only what you want to see you feel only what you want to it's 1:30, i think i'm getting tired, i think i've been writing for a really long time, and i'm really not sure. alice is lying on my bed, and i think she's still awake, i think she's listening. maybe not. it's time you decide i've walked down roads that seem to have no end at all... hold on tight hold on fast this ain't the kind that always lasts if you want me to go just ask me to go i'd go... I just copied this to word because the notepad was being weird... font ten, single space, it's 7 pages. 12 double space it's 19. I sincerely apologize if you've gotten this far, i had no idea. of course a lot of it is song lyrics, which take up a significant amount of space, but still... why is it that a 20 page term paper is enough to make my crawl under the bed and curl up in a ball, but i can sit here and write 20 pages, stream of consciousness, without a problem? i have a lot of thoughts. "who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear!" ...lucas, empire records, i love that movie. :-) i realize i should stop writing, if i'm apologizing for how long this is, i should stop writing, but i'm not ready. i don't really have anything more to write, but i need to write it anyway. i am in serious need of a shower. is learning what not to play and she's learning the spaces she leaves have their own things to say i think all the time all was right here in this dark place i see in your face all is not right make it make your way home better than the last... open the window let in the snow cold is all i know go to the fire stir it around i haven't smoked in over 12 hours, and i'm still feeling it. or maybe i'm just tired, maybe i wouldn't know the difference at this point... but i really can't be tired, i think i slept most of the day... that's the only place this day could've gone, i don't know where else it could've possibly gone, i must've slept. they tell me it was mexican and that that makes a difference... all i know is we used less than 1/4 of the bag total and all three of us were completely gone for almost a 24 hour period... i find this very happy, and i find it slightly scary that i find it very happy. i'm also just now wondering how smart it is to discuss illegal activity on a webpage... and deciding i really don't care. ...if my mother only knew... sex, drugs, alcohol, food, friends and folk music. that is what my life revolves around. not necessarily in that order. i turned 18 three weeks ago. i think i remember taking pictures last night. disturb me with all your cares and your worries on the day when you feel spent why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong speak to me don't mislead me the calm i feel means a storm is dwelling" my goal in life is to have kids and raise kids and not fuck up as much as my mother did. and i'm not sure it's possible, because i really am convinced she did the best she could. and if the best she could do wasn't good enough, who am I to think i can do better? but i think i can... i'd like to think i'm more like my dad than like her... my dad is and always has been more "maternal" than my mother. the only thing he really ever did wrong was let my mother take over when things got rough... and he only did that once, the second and third times he took over. he once drove me almost all the way to new york city because i wouldn't talk to him, i wouldn't say i wanted to go home and i wouldn't say i wanted to go to the hospital and he wasn't going to go to either until I told him to. so he drove. and when sat up and said, "can we go home now?" he turned around. i was hospitalized later that night. and when it looked like i was about to fail out of school he's the one who took over and said he wasn't going to let that happen. i have no idea where my mother was when either of those decisions were being made. i don't know if she just let him take over or if she was just absent and so he was forced to take over. someday i'd like to ask them, i think. someday. that you tried to forget like your fake id and your mom's cigarettes does it take you back? is the vision intense? you and me in shriner's park trying to make some sense... did you feel like you were crazy when they sent you far away did no one have the answers when you hung your head to pray you could not let yourself dream never, dare believe you could ever be more than you were born to be i love melissa etheridge. i haven't listened to "talking to my angel" in years. i don't remember the last time i listened to it... the last time i remember hearing it emily sang it to me... she called my house, and i answered the phone and i was crying... we only came out to a couple people... the whole school knew in under a day... and i spent all of middle school getting on and off the bus at this house down the road, because my parents had to work... and casey was 4 years younger than me but she was an only child too and we used to pretend we were sisters... and her cousin rode my bus, and a couple of days after the entire school found out her cousin said something which made it very clear that she thought since i was a lesbian i had probably molested her cousin... and for some reason that's the only thing anybody said to me during that entire time that really got to me. i think because i know that it's so completely against my nature, and the thought that someone could actually think i'd do that, just because i was in love with the "wrong" person... i got so angry. i started to hit her, and she started to yell "rape" and that of course just made the entire situation worse... and luckily it was right before my house, so i got off the bus and just started sobbing... and i had just enough time to get to the living room and curl up in the chair when the phone rang and i don't remember if i managed to get the story out or not... i don't think it really mattered. she sang to me, while i sat in the bathroom with the kleenex box. she was so much stronger than i was. it never bothered her, the gossip and the name calling... but to be fair, it wasn't as bad for her to begin with... people pretty much left her alone, and i was really seen as the instigator... they already knew i was crazy, i had been absent for almost a month (or was it more than a month?) the year before and they all knew exactly where i'd been and why. i made a better target, i reacted... she managed to just keep walking. and it amazes me, the things people can put up with, without reacting... everything bothers me. i have a giant wall to keep the reactions inside but i don't have much of one to keep things out. close your eyes lay it all down don't you cry can't you see i'm going where i can see the sunrise i've been talking to my angel and he said that it's alright" it's lonely but it's sweet" i think i could do this all night, i think i could still be writing this at 3pm, when it's time for my class... and i know once i stop, i'm not going to be able to start again, i'm going to crash and not write for a while, i think... i don't know why i'm doing this to start with, oh yeah, i wasn't sober. i think maybe i am by now, i hope i am, i'm still out of it but i think i'm out of it in a normal way now. i don't know how it managed to be 3am, i remember waking up at 8am and the next thing after that i remember getting up around 12:30 and i think that's when we smoked some more, and then we made food, and then we went back to sleep... and i remember waking up a little after five, and i remember melchelle leaving at quarter-to-seven, and i remember alice saying it's midnight..... there are several hours in between each of those, none of them are really accounted for. especially the ones between 1 and 3. there are two hours there, i don't know where they went, except i know i've been sitting here the entire time, so that's how this got so long. i hope i'm not repeating myself, i think i tend to do that when i write for a long time. I don't really believe anyone is going to read all this. yes i do. melchelle will. hi melchelle. :-) i love you and thank you for reading this far and i'm sorry i put you through this. if anyone else is reading this i love you too, and you could write me and tell me you exist if you want, that way i'd know i love you instead of just loving you theoretically and assuming you don't actually exist. hmmmm.... i'm making less and less sense, i think my friend judy can't smoke and we were going to make her happy tea but she doesn't want to try it because she's afraid of losing control... and i distinctly remember that, i remember thinking i didn't want to get drunk because i didn't want lose control... my desire to try everything and experience everything eventually overrode that... that combined with my desire to fit in and my desire to shock my friends, who thought they knew me... i really do intend to try everything... sort of. i would never try heroin, or acid because it gives you flashbacks... everything within reason, we'll say. i don't mean just everything with regards to drugs... i want to try everything. some things scare me more than others and those are the things i want to try the most. and I think i'm getting sober because i'm starting to notice smells... mostly smells coming from me... my hair really smells, and i can't believe i didn't notice it before. i have to go take a shower, i really do. yeah. okay. we will party all night long we are the party generation ~me |