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maybe it bothers me so much because I've been there. Because I remember the, "she's the other half of me" and "she's my everything" and "I'd die without her" and I remember that reality because it is reality, at the time. and I remember how hard it is to come back. "seems like you've just started noticing how noticibly bad things really are" ~ani difranco and maybe, probably, it isn't you at all. Maybe it's true that I am just fucked up right now and in my head you're along for the ride because you are too. I got drunk last night. The kind of drunk where you stop caring what you're saying and you can't remember what you're doing or where you're going or why you needed to get drunk in the first place and they took me out like that, we went to friendly's and then wegmans and I fell down in the parking lot because walking was very, very hard and maybe the only thing harder was getting out of bed this morning knowing that I'm back in reality now and I have schoolwork to do and a lab at 2:45. and logically I can admit that I need to stop caring and logically I think that I have more tied up in this than I should, that there are feelings there that don't belong there, they belong over by "I have too much schoolwork" and "what if I don't want to be a nurse" and "I don't have enough money" and not by "you didn't call" But they don't want to move, they're stuck by "you didn't call" because you didn't call and because that's easier to deal with than the others... and if it's not easier to deal with it's at least easier to blame someone else because it's my fault I have as much schoolwork as I do and it's my fault I don't have enough money and it's my fault I have never been able to make a solid decision in my life but it's not my fault that you didn't call. so i'll be the first to admit that I care more than I should. I feel abandoned and unwanted and maybe I should just shut the fuck up and move on maybe I should be content with a partner because I have with her what you've been looking for for the past year. but I think everyone needs more than one person and I need friends too and I don't understand why you don't want to be my friend. this sounds like a kindergarten argument, doesn't it? like "teacher, teacher, she said she won't be my friend anymore!!!" but yeah, that seems about right. that seems about the level I'm functioning on right now, that gut-hurt that five year olds get when their best friend doesn't want to play with them. ok, I can't talk about this anymore I can't think about it anymore I can't chase you and I can't obsess over you and I need it to stop, in my head, and so that's what I'm going to do I'm going to stop it. And this meloncholy that I carry makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation ~ani difranco so as long as I get in (and we're currently not going to entertain any other possibility because I firmly believe that I can get anything that I really want and in order to really want it I have to believe that it will happen) I'm going to transfer to a different school at the end of the summer, for the fall semester... it's three hours away from here, and cello wants to move there I think even more than I do it's one of the scariest things I've ever considered, this idea of starting over. I have roots here, I have a job that I love and I have friends that I love but moving just makes sense and my roots are moving first- my friends are leaving one by one for the things that make more sense for them (college, grad school, committed relationships with no room for friends. . .) and theoretically the reason I am in school right now is to get a different job and so I will have to leave the one that I have sooner or later, whether I love it or not. and cello wants it, she would of course be enough to keep me here if she didn't... but she does. and so we spent several hours the other day looking at jobs and apartments and maps imagining what it could be like and it's one of the happier thoughts that I have had this week. so is it typical for your stomach to be extremely unhappy with you the day after you force it to consume large amounts of alcohol? that's probably a dumb question, huh? anyhow. this is all an attempt to put off learning the anatomy of the eye and ear. instead I'm sitting here typing and listening to the mix cd I made yesterday... it goes directly from Angry Folk You've Heard Of (ani difranco) to Angry Folk You Haven't Heard Of (Cheryl Wheeler) to Angry Rock You Haven't Heard Of (Queen Sarah Saturday) to Angry Rock You've Heard Of (Eminem) right back to Angry Folk You've Heard Of (more ani) Cello thinks it's about the funniest compilation ever, but I think that there is a very straight line from folk music to rap with spoken word poetry in the middle. . . they're all about the words, and the poetry of music. And maybe they tend to say opposite things, and have opposite beliefs, but you can't even always say that. ok. alright. anatomy, here I come. . . ~me |