Hi! I just finished watching Speed for the first time... It's quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. (although The Lost World was right up there) I can't stand movies that have no plot (or a really stupid plot, like Speed) and try to just rely on the special effects. Maybe it's just me, but I get no enjoyment whatsoever from watching explosions projected onto a screen.Anyway, I went through a few more of my old journals last night, and again this afternoon. It's really hard work, though. I play Ani DiFranco music while I'm reading, just because I had never heard of Ani when I was writing those journals, and that way it keeps me in the present a little. But still reading them I get sucked back in time, to three years ago, and those three years seem like an eternity to me. I don't ever want to go back there, I want to stay as far away from it as possible, and yet I'm going up there night after night and doing it anyway, and why? So that a half dozen people can read it on the internet and be confirmed in their suspicion that I'm insane. Because I was. Insane, that is. I most definitely was. And I like to think that I'm not now, at least not to the same degree, but I'm not always sure. I mean there's that whole thing about who's healthier, the person who fits right in no matter where they are, or the person who doesn't conform to a crazy society. Maybe the society here really is crazy, and it's only the people who don't fit in who are sane.
I guess I think the only valid measure is how happy you are, and I am definitely happier now than I was then. Of course there are people who are at their happiest when they're murdering people, so I guess that measure doesn't always work. ^' '^
That thing there is a shrug, by the way. The ^' '^ is, I mean. Jo Anne** (my ex) made that up years ago and named it Alfred. We both still use it constantly, even though at the time it was just kinda this little thing between us, and there isn't even an "Us" anymore.... we showed it to a couple people once, and one of them was sure it was a spider, and the other said it was too much of a pain to press shift-6, apostrophe, space, apostrophe, shift-6, when she could just type *shrug*. She was probably right. :-) Then Jo Anne** yelled at them both whenever they typed *shrug*, because she said it hurt Alfred's feelings. The four of us had this kinda mailing list thingy going on there for a while, but it mostly ended when Jo Anne's dad disconnected her internet access. I don't remember the story behind that. I think at the time I was too out of it for it to matter much. ^' '^
My parents are staying out at the camper again tonight. That's the third time this week, I think. My mom seemed worried about it tonight, like "Are you sure you'll be okay here?" and "Rene, are you staying up here for a while?" like she didn't want me to be alone or something. It was very strange. I guess maybe she thinks I'm spending too much time by myself or something. I probably am, but I like it that way... My mom was weird this morning too. My parents were going out to the camper and she got upset when I said I didn't want to go. Usually it's no big deal if I decide to stay at home... but when I asked why she was making an issue out of it she started to say something about me leaving soon, but then she stopped and asked what I would do if I stayed home. I think it's starting to sink in to her that I'm really leaving in a month and a half. She beat me to it, I think, because it sure hasn't sunk into my brain yet.
The idea if leaving is very scary to me. I mean, I'm moving out of the house I have lived in my entire life to stay in a tiny little bedroom with someone who's probably going to be 4 years older than me. It's not a terribly pleasant thought. It's kind of funny, that three years ago I would count the months until I could leave, and now that I'm actually leaving I'm scared out of my mind and wish it could be another year or so. It can't be, though. I'm all set to go, there's no backing out now. ...at least not without a whole lot of explaining to do. Besides, I got a scholarship, which I really can't afford to turn down, especially because my parents are counting that scholarship as my contribution towards paying for school, so they're taking care of everything else at least while I keep the scholarship. And besides, I do want to go... I'm just really scared about it. I mean, how can I possibly fit in up there? I'm four years younger than the typical college junior. I'm pretty sure that if I were them, and I was all of a sudden put in with this kid four years younger than me.... well, I'm not sure how I would react, but I don't think I'd be very willing to be friends.
I don't think any of that last paragraph makes any sense whatsoever. My brain is fuzzy. It gets that way when I start to get depressed, so I think I'd better either quit writing, or write about something happy, and since I can't think of anything happy to write about, I'm gonna go now. ~Sarah