| Hi! As you can see, I'm experimenting with tables. They are definitely harder than they seem at first, at least for me. But I think I'm getting the hang of it. :-) I went out driving with my dad today, to get a little more practice in before my road test Wednesday. It was an absolute disaster. Last time we went out, I tried to parallel park 11 times, and I would have passed on 10 of them. This time, I tried about 20 times, and only would have passed around three. I don't know what went wrong, it just didn't work today. It was so strange. I think maybe I was having a bad depth-perception day. My mom says she has those sometimes. See, we both have this eye disorder thingy called amblyopia, which basically mean we only see out of one eye, even though both eyes are physically capable of working. Did that make any sense? Anyway, it's like that Seinfeld episode, where Kramer wears a patch over his eye to look cool, but ends up falling and stuff because he doesn't have eny depth perception. That's what we see like all the time. Although obviously because our eyes have been like that our whole lives, we've learned to compensate quite a bit. It's been a long time since I missed the chair when I was trying to sit down. :-) Anyway, it makes parallel parking and stuff like that especially hard because I simply cannot tell how far away the stupid car is. Of course that could just be a lame excuse, but it really is the reason I'm terrible at baseball, basketball, football, tennis, and practically every other sport out there, because I can't tell where the ball is. But I don't have a problem if the ball stays on the ground, like in soccer. I don't know why. Anyway, I'm listening to this real audio thingy of Ani DiFranco live at Central Park (there's a link to it at Absolute Ani) and she sings a cover of this Bob Dylan song called "Most of the Time" and it's an awesome song... at least it is when she sings it. But it has very cool lyrics: Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could I can deal with a situation right down to the bone I can make it all match up and I can hold my own And I can survive And I can endure And I don't even think about her Most of the time...
Most of the time Isn't that cool? I love it when lyrics describe how I feel about something, better than I ever could myself. It happens all the time, since I'm not very good at describing stuff, but still. :-) That reminds me... I've read a couple more of my old journals since the last time I wrote... I'm getting closer and closer to posting a few entries up here. It's hard to read them, though, and it's harder still to choose entries that seem important, so it'll be a few days yet. I have a very busy week this week- my economics class is Tuesday and Thursday nights, and I have my driver's test Wednesday, and a doctor's appointment tomorrow... so we'll see. I'm stalling, I know, and I don't even know why I'm bothering to worry about posting old journal entries to my journal that nobody reads, but it feels like something I have to do, so I guess I'll just have to do it. ^' '^ I babysat tonight, and I said something that started with "one of my friends..." and the girl I baby-sit for who's ten, she piped right up and said "I didn't know you had any friends." ...she's right, of course. I don't. But I was so embarassed when she said that. Why is that? I mean, I'm happy not having friends, most of the time, anyway... so why can't I admit that? I say it all the time on the internet to pen-pals and stuff. So why is it when someone actually asks me about friends, I lie about it? Even when my shrink asked me if I have any friends I said something like "well, I don't really hang out with anybody, but I have friends at school, and a few people I talk to on the phone and stuff," but that's really not true. I do have friends at school- you know, people I talk to and will sit with in the cafeteria... there's even a couple people who gave me their addresses for when I go away to school. But I haven't just chatted on the phone since December, when I called Jo Anne** up to congratulate her on being in the musical. Then we talked for like an hour and a half with no effort, like nothing had changed. ...at least that's how it seemed to me. Who knows how it seemed to her. When she broke it to me that she was dating a guy, she mentioned she didn't think she was gay because she didn't really enjoy it when we slept together. I filed that right under the "Things I wish I didn't know" category. But that's entirely off the subject. I don't have any interest in talking on the phone with anybody but Jo Anne. Maybe that means I'm still not over her or something, but even that doesn't really bother me. I am almost always perfectly content to sit here in front of my computer and write journal entries that anyone in the world who was so inclined could read. I think it's the perfect form of communication for an introvert. Just write, as if it were a little ol' computer journal, only with a few funny symbols in it here and there, and then hit a button, and all these people you don't know can read it. I think that's the key- the "people you don't know". Although I wouldn't even mind if people I knew read this, for the most part. I'd even like to hear what they think. I guess the problem is that I just can't say any of this stuff out loud, and writing a letter to someone saying it is too direct. That's it. It's passive communication. I can tell people something, I can even direct a whole journal entry toward them and hope they read it, but I never actually have to say, "here, you read this." I truly don't care what most people think of me, I'm just too much of a coward tell them to their face. It's the opposite of everything Ani DiFranco has ever said, and even though I tend to take her philosphy as my own, I'm not sure it's something I can change.
Okay, that's all. |