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written september 4, 1998 6:23pm
My room mate left for the weekend. She was five days late, she stayed for two days, and now she’s leaving again for three days. It’s crazy to me, it really is. It’s not like she lives right here- it’s a four hour bus ride. She’s nice though, my room mate. We get along okay and everything. I think most of the people in my dorm think I’m a geek. I think they’re right, so that isn’t really a problem. A lot of the people in my dorm are from right around here and already have friends here. And basically all the other ones are used to being around people and making friends and all of that. I’m not at all. These people all seem so strange to me. In all my classes, both here and at JCC I gravitated toward the adult students.... they all seem so much more serious about the whole thing. That is of course just a generalization, but for the most part, I haven’t really found anybody who doesn’t fit it. On either side. Except me. And it also doesn’t help, I think, that I’m a junior living in a freshman dorm, because those two worlds really don’t mix here. but I really should make friends. I am trying, though. I went to that glbsfa meeting, and I tried to go again yesterday but by the time my class let out they were already gone. And I’ll go again to it on Monday. And there’s a club fair next week, maybe I’ll go to another club too. Clubs are so much easier to handle, because around here it’s like 10 people with a common purpose sitting in a room, and they all want to be there. Okay, well the one club meeting I went to was like that. And maybe they all are, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m eating enough here. I try to eat when I’m hungry, and if it’s been a really long time since I’ve been hungry and I think of it I try to eat something then too..... today I’ve eaten a package of cheese&peanut butter crackers, a little thing of Raisen Bran where it comes in this sealed little plastic thing and you peel the foil off the top and add milk. It was neat. :-) So I ate that with skim milk and some orange juice. And later I ate two slices of their “healthy pizza” with hardly any cheese and lots of disgusting broccoli. (I hate cooked broccoli.) But I picked off the broccoli because I wanted veggie pizza and it did have mushrooms and onions on it too. And that’s it. And it’s 6:30pm and I’ve been up since 8:30am. It doesn’t sound like enough to me. Maybe in a little while I’ll pull out my encarta disk and see if it thinks that’s enough. But right now I’m using my cd-rom as a cd player because I didn’t bring a real cd player and that makes it difficult to use the cd rom. Okay, I’m gonna go check my e-mail before the computer lab closes, hopefully one of you peoples have written me, even though I know I haven’t been doing very well at replying. I’ll finish this later. continued 9:33pm yesterday I felt homesick and I called and talked to my mom and afterwards I felt so much better. And today is the opposite, I guess. Because I was fine sitting in my room reading (...because everybody else went to a frat party... and I don’t even consider that an option. Maybe I should.) but I called home and they had just gotten there and were eating pizza and my dad was getting ready to watch an action movie with henry. A typical friday night at my house, and I want to be there. I don’t want to be here at all, I want to be there. And that’s all there is. It took about all I had to keep from crying when my mom hung up because she wanted to go eat pizza, and I was just talking to my dad. And I think they both knew it. I had nothing to say, I just want to be there, I think, and if I can’t be I want to be as close as I can, which is on the phone with them. And I’m forcing myself to write this, because I think writing anything usually helps, so I’m sitting here in my little room sobbing trying to keep the tears off the keyboard and I can’t believe I’m being this vulnerable to anybody who cares to read this. i never write about the now stuff like this. In the past is okay, but i guess I don’t want just anybody to know that right now on this day, I sat alone in my dorm room crying while everybody I know here is doing whatever people do at frat parties. I am so pathetic. i have to stay the whole semester, because I think going home now would be at least as bad. maybe next semester I’ll commute to fredonia. I don’t think I’m ready for this. |