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Uncle Lyles Mid to Late February Top Ten College Polls
(The Off Season Report-February, 2003)
We do not normally do this here at Uncle Lyles Top Ten College Polls, Inc., but given the circumstances surrounding the close of the college football seasonthe best season that there is, we felt that there was no alternative. Yeah yeah, Ohio State beat Miami, and Ol Miss beat Nebraska (duh!), but those are just on the field stories that the record books will be able to tell the tale on for years. The real stories this Spring are off of the field. As we get ready for the second season of Nebraska football, that is, Spring football, lets try to find out where we are right now and where we are heading.
New Athletic Director
Ok, what is this about no more white pants on the road, Mr. Pederson, Mr. new athletic director? And they not even white to begin with! They cream! This guy is toast. Go back to Amish country already, or if you want to take a step up, go to Canada. We wear Crimson and Cream. Cream, got it? In any event, we have had no problems with the cream pants on the road in the past (just with the slash down the side, signifying that we were little more than an arena football team). I think you can stay with the cream pants on the road. Just lose the slash. We can lose just as easily in our Crimson outerwear, so it makes little difference anyway. Dont play me here! I suppose you are going say next that we are going to wear RED pants on the road. Its CRIMSON, dude! Who is this guy?
Dont Go Big Red!
Ok, a leaner and meaner Herbie Husker. This is something I can relate to, sort of. Depending on our goals. Herbie is just too gosh darned fat, and the world has known this for years. I can see where a leaner and meaner Herbie would help, IF we were like trying to win something like the Big 12 championship, or something like that. But WE ARE NOT, Mr. New athletic director! We are after something much bigger here, and I fear that new Mr. Athletic director Pederson may be looking past this fact. If Nebraska can stay out of the top 25 polls for another mere 334 weeks, we will set records that not even Poppa Joe Paterno or gay coach Ellen DeGeneris can match. I say give Herbie some more corn and burgers.
Dont Go Big Red!
Ahhh, reduced ticket prices. A $43.75 ticket last year is now going for a mere sum of $42 this year, a whopping 0.9% reduction. George, out of Albion had this to say. Well, I was just getting ready to foreclose on the farm, and this new Athletic Director comes in and lowers ticket prices by a whopping 0.9%. I dont know how he did it, but the farm is not only secure, it also made $110,000 last year. Thank God for George Bush Jr., and Steve Pederson, and thats all I can really say. Lucy out of Omaha added this: I blame the whole season on Saddam. He has to go. I know the new athletic director, and he told me personally that if it were not for Saddam, he could have lowered ticket prices by a whopping 1.8 %, but with the oil prices being what they are, there was little he could doSaddamwell, he just has to go.
Dont Go Big Red!
Naked cheerleaders? All right!!! Steve, you da man! Bob Devaney never would have thought of that one. Nice move for an Amish guy. You can stay for a while. You can stay at Lone Tree if you want.
Coaches
Old Coaches
Goodbye George Darlington. Its been fun. In a last minute before dismissal interview with Uncle Lyle, Coach Darlington had this to say. It was a lot of fun coaching at Nebraska. Things were going really well, until they introduced that danged forward pass. Then everything got real confusing after that. I dont remember much since 1963. The first time I saw it, I looked over at Bob, and I said, what the heck was that? He said thats a forward pass George. I said, thats legal?, and he said yeah. I still dont really get it. I mean, you can like throw the ball now? They ruined this game, Im telling you. It was a great game once. Bobby Reynolds was the best, because he just took the football and ran. There was never any of this throwing stuff. I cant believe I was able to fake it for almost 30 years, because frankly, I just dont understand that pass thingie. Never did, never will.
Goodbye too, to Craig Bohl. Amidst rumors that you fathered a child from a university co-ed, its probably best that we just say our adiosesor our hasta luegos, if you will. In another interview with Uncle Lyle, Coach Bohl discussed his dismissal. I wish I could have held on for at least one more year, what with the new policy on the cheerleaders and all, but thats the way it goes. I am going to miss that little headset that I used to get to wear. What will I do? Ill probably use my experience as a defensive coordinator with my own headset to get a job as a McDonalds cashier in South Lincoln. As far as the kid goes, I am going to try and convince Jammal that its his kid. This way the boosters can pay for its education. Its really only for the best. Its a good plan.
And then there is Uncle Miltie. What can we say, Milt? Thanks for counting all those pancakes on film on Sunday mornings, we couldnt have done it without you. Heres 50 cents for a cup of coffee, and wellthanks a lot for everythingit was fun.
New Coaches
Welcome Bo Pelini. Mr. Defensive Coordinator. In an exclusive interview with Uncle Lyle, Coach Pelini gave his views on why he came to Nebraska. Two reasons really. We were winning up there, and it was getting a little stale. I thought I would come to Nebraska, where I could balance out my life a little with some losses. Second, I was in fricking GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN for Gods sake!!! Snowwomen!!! Given the opportunity to go to Tinsel Town USA, Lincoln, NE, who wouldnt go! Oh, and third, I figure once Frank gets fired Ill get the head coaching job, notwithstanding the Turner Gill situation. Not that I want this on the record. Off the record coach. No problem.
Welcome too, Barney Cotton. Mr. Offensive Coordinator. In yet another exclusive interview with Uncle Lyle, Coach Cotton explained his allure to the Cornhusker state. Im coming from New Mexico, but Im still a homegrown boy. You lose in Nebraska, and we lose in New Mexico. I can lose in the Southwest, and I can lose on the high plains too. This is a marriage made in heaven. The second thing is that Coach Bohl told me that there were some real female girls up there in Lincoln. Ive been dating cacti for the past 7 years, and no matter how nice they can be, you just cant get too close to them. They hurt you every time. Lincolnthe city that never sleepsthe big appleI cant wait. Football is really secondary to me at this pointI just keep hearing that there are real girls up theresorry, but I am intrigued. I was in fricking NEW MEXICO for Gods sake!!! Cacti!!! Lincoln is Tinsel Town to me!! Girls!!! This is my main interest, but I would like that to be off of the record. And, of course, the other reason I came to Nebraska was because I figure once Frank gets fired, Ill get the head coaching job, notwithstanding the Turner Gill situation. Off the record indeed, Coach Cotton. No problem.
Recruits
Nebraska has had an exciting year in recruiting. Things are looking very well, as Nebraska finished probably in the top 100 or so in recruiting. They recruited a passing quarterback from New Jersey (as if there were such a thing), and hired an option style coordinator to teach him. This is brilliance beyond even Uncle Lyles comprehension. We were lucky enough to grab that California kid who weighs 345 pounds with hands like velvet, but who would have thought we could get that Juco kid out of Kansas who runs the 40 in 2.3 seconds? We kicking butt.
Paying The Players
As you know, Governor Johanns has gone to bed with Ernie Chambers, and has declared his support to pay NU players a stipend of about $200 a month. During an exclusive interview with Uncle Lyle, 2001 Heisman Trophy winner Eric Crouch had this to say. Listen, I played for Nebraska for 4 years. There was a point that I had to threaten to quit, and I forced Coach Solich to drive to Omaha and kiss my ass, but after that every thing was really cool. I ignored Bobby Newcombe forevermore, and still made millions. I made so much at Nebraska that I retired from the NFL after only a few weeks. It may have jeopardized my chances to get to the NFL Hall of Fame, but that is not the issue here today. A $200 monthly stipend is cool, but its just going to be pinball money to these guys, if you ask me, Crouch said. I really dont know what these two politicians are trying to do.
Goals
334 more weeks. 334. We can do it.
Uncle Lyles Top Ten College Polls, Inc.
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