Society to Avoid Root Vegetable Evisceration
Egg stands to speak: “Eggs have long understood maltreatment by ‘human’ omnivores. Snatched from a warm bed with mother, and left to freeze to death in large boxes in their homes, only to have our insides scrambled and served beside strips of a quadruped. Our parents are roasted and their thighs gnawed upon by the human beasts. You are all familiar with our plight, but we are here today to address a different matter. There is another savagery in the world today against our friends, the vegetables. It is an unproclaimed injustice. I ask, ‘Who speaks for the vegetables?’!”
“The tales of horrific tortures press heavily upon my heart. Young yams have their skin peeled off, and are cut to pieces before being dropping into boiling water. They are poked with four-pointed swords until a once strong and vibrant vegetable degenerates to mushy pulp.”
“I grieve for Yam’s brother, the potato. Some have heard that he is baked, eviscerated, and devoured. A new horror has come to light. We hear stories of how his skin is scrubbed off and his eyes cut out before being put in the ovens with hunks of animal carcass. All too often, he shares his final fate with the beloved onions and carrots. The reunion is grievous, as blind friend must tell the younger set of their own fate, and that of their loved ones.”
“Poor Carrots’ children were segregated by size. Some were drawn and quartered, others shredded and curled. The youngest, oh, the poor little ones… peeled, served on a silver platter beside the heads of cauliflower and broccoli. Onions’ parents were chopped to pieces and their remains scattered over bread and sauce, with only cheese as a burial blanket. It is true. Some tender-hearted “humans” show some sign of remorse but what repentance is it truly that cries but continues to slice and dice.”
“Our friend, the garlic, is pressed through a sieve, his very lifeblood sweetens sauces while his body is discarded with the garbage.”
“We eggs are not vegetables, but these barbarous acts are a crime against all. To address these atrocities, we have formed the Society to Avoid Root Vegetable Evisceration (S.T.A.R.V.E.). We are an inclusive group. The Watermelons have already joined us and ask for your cooperation to end melon massacre for entertainment. We are partners with the United Grain Organization and members of the Commission on Maligned Edibles (C.O.M.E.).”
“Dear friends, the violence is widespread and the fight will be costly. We have a battle plan, but we need your help. Monetary gifts are tax deductible. Help us end the cruelty.”
“We ask you to help C.O.M.E. and S.T.A.R.V.E.”