Lawyer Jokes

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

I've never been in love.I've always been a lawyer.

LAWSUIT,n.A machine you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

LAWYER,n.Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

I take an instant dislike to lawyers.It saves a lot of time.

Two very rich people got divorced,and their lawyers lived happily ever after.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Clothes don't necessarily make the man,but a good suit makes a lawyer.

My lawyer introduces himself as a criminal lawyer.I think that's pretty self aware.

He's a great lawyer.He once got a sodomy charge changed to following to close.

He once got the jury so confused,they sent the judge to jail.

I did some research and came up with the perfect weight for a lawyer.27 ounces including the urn.

A lawyer is an expert on justice in much the same way your average hooker is an expert on love.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them . . . and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Riddles

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

Do you know what lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being. Alternate form: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell? The sperm cell has the potential to be a decent human being.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer's car? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore? A whore will stop screwing you when you're dead.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces? The bucket.

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What can a duck do that a goose can't and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig? Nothing there are just some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. Vultures can't take their wing tips off. Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Vultures will eat the skunk. Skid marks in front of the skunk! Thanks to RaeLynn (rander@ix.netcom.com), who gave me the second answer to this one!

What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant.

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move.

How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement? Get more cement.

Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep after they die? Because deep,deep, deep down, they are really nice people.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

How do you know if a lawyer is cold? He has his hands in his own pockets.

What is the definition of a "shame" (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.

Why does a lawyer wear a tie? To keep the foreskin from slipping over his head

What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? Check the knot in the rope

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you tell if a lawyer is actually dead? Hold out your wallet. (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred)

Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean? Professional courtesy.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers? New Jersey had first pick.

Did you hear about the lion walking through the woods eating deer droppings? He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth!

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and the other one to sue the ladder company.

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice

Even the French have lawyer jokes: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French) Both have hearts like stones.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Story Jokes

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyer's convention. When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, "Okay everyone, say fees!"

A lawyer realized he had a frog growing on his shoulder. He went to a doctor. Upon removing his shirt, he was asked by the doctor, "My god, how long have you had that?" Before he could respond, though, the frog spoke up, "It started out as a wart on my butt!"

A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidently steps in a pile of dogshit. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, and he notices it dripping from his shoe. He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!"

"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner. "Well, Yer Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

Three surgeons were talking together. The first one said: "For my money, the best of all possible patients are German people. All of their parts are numbered, so it's easy to take them apart and put them back together." The second surgeon pipes up: "No, the best patients for surgery are Japanese people. All of their parts are color-coded." Surgeon number three then says, "I think the best patients for surgery are attorneys. They have only two parts, an asshole and a mouth, and they're interchangable."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The Church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A man walked into an antique shop looking for something unusual. In a dusty corner he found a brass statue of a rat. It was very unusual so he asked the shopkeeper how much he wanted for it. "$50 for the statue and $1,000 for the story behind it." "I don't need any story," the man said as he handed over $50, took the rat, got in his car and headed for home. He stopped at a stop light and noticed rats were pouring out of all the buildings and sewer grates around him and were heading for his car. The light changed and he sped off but when he looked in his rear view mirror he saw a huge horde of rats racing after him. He drove as fast as he could to the beach, jumped out of his car and hurled the statue as far out into the ocean as he could. The horde of rats ran past him and every one of them leaped into the ocean after the statue and they all drowned. The man drove back to the antique store and when he walked in the shopkeeper said, "I knew you'd be back for the story!" "To hell with the story, I came back to see if you have a statue of a lawyer!"

The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and Lewis, attorneys at law." "Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please," said the caller. "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson passed away last night," replied the receptionist. A few minutes later, she receives another call from what sounds like the same caller. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died last night." When the phone rings for the third time, the receptionist hears the same voice. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your voice and I've already told you twice that Mr. Johnson died last night!" snapped the receptionist. "I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself," said the caller, "I just love hearing you say it over and over again."

Sammy came home from first grade with his first homework assignment, which was to find the answer to "what is 2 + 2?". He went to his father first because he was a mathematician. His dad said, "That seems to be from the theory of small sets, which I haven't used in a long time. I suspect that the answer is greater than 3, and will not exceed 5, even for extremely large values of 2. I'll write it in Fortran and run it through the computer at the college in the morning." Sammy shook his head and went outside to think. His neighbor, an internist, was working in the yard. Sammy went over and asked, "Dr. Smith, what is 2 + 2?" Smith thought a while and then said, "I think it is 4, but we should run some tests first. Can you make an appointment to see me at the office tommorrow and don't forget to bring your HMO card." Sammy wasn't satisfied and he walked over to the other neighbor's house, where Mr. Jones, a lawyer, was washing his BMW. Sammy said, "Mr. Jones, what is 2 + 2?" Jones said, "My boy, since you are my little friend and neighbor, I will waive my usual consultation fee, this is strictly Pro Bono. But, be assured that justice will be served and the rights of the citizen to know the value of 2 + 2 will be upheld". Then he knelt down and wispered in Sammy's ear. "Sammy, what would you like it to be?"

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthetic after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied, "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

A 70 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down. The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either. Several days later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old lawyer. After the man awoke from the surgery, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, "I wanted one that had never been used."

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the St Peter said, "Please, you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the St. Peter the third time, ten years after their first request, and asked him again. This time he answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.,

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