The Opening Word: I decided to change the way I review things, since I was getting kind of bored with the old way of only covering by matches and ordering them from best to worst. So (as cheesy as this is going to sound), welcome to the New Millennium version of the PPV Review!
They started the match before they could finish the highlight reel! A brawl erupted to start the match, but the tide was quickly turned as Edge and Christian took down Buh-Buh. He rebounded with a sidewalk slam and tagged D-von. Christian took back control and they proceeded to pound on D-von for awhile. Ross wants to know if Edge's trash talking makes the King aroused.
Me: WHAT?
Lawler: WHAT?
Ross: (weakly trying to cover) How much do you like it… I wonder…
Word of advice, Ross: Don't try to be funny. Edge went for a piledriver as Christian perched up top for the spike or perhaps even a… something… but D-von reverses into a slingshot which made Edge crotch Christian. D-von made the tag but the ref didn't see it due to Edge pointing to the Big Distracting Thing. E & C grab two chairs for the Con-chair-to, but D-von ducked, making the champs drop the chairs. He followed with a double clothesline and made the tag to Buh-Buh. He cleaned house, as the cliché goes, and the Dudleys hit the "Wazzup!" Owchie Move on Edge, and D-von followed with the Tatanka Wardance. "D-von! Get the tables!" D-von went to the outside, where Christian blindsided him. Back in the ring, Christian went for the Unprettier on Buh-Buh, but D-von made the save. They signaled for 3D, but Edge speared Buh-Buh, and Christian reversed into a DDT on D-von. The champs are PISSED now. Christian signaled for the "Wazzup!" on Buh-Buh, but he reversed it into a victory roll. At the same time, D-von pushed Edge off the top rope and he did the Owchie Move on his own partner! The Dudleys hit 3D on Edge, and made the three count. They are the new tag team champs. I didn't expect a lot out of this match, but it went above and beyond my expectations with a lot of innovative offense and it was clean!
Rating: Awesome!
No talking for Jericho tonight. He's ALL business. Basic stuff to start, and Benoit gained the upperhand by throwing Jericho shoulder-first into the ringpost. He followed with a shoulderbreaker, but Jericho slipped away after a second attempt, and hit a flying forearm. Jericho went for a springboard plancha, but Benoit ducked and Jericho ate floor. They fought over the ladder, which ended in Jericho going into the post again. Benoit grabbed the ladder and tried to get in the ring with it. Jericho attempted to baseball slide the ladder, but Benoit moved it out of the way and threw Jericho into the steps. Benoit attempted to climb the ladder, but Jericho pulled him off and started to hit him with the ladder. He set it up in the corner and tried for an Irish whip, but Benoit reversed. Jericho crashed into the ladder and both went over the top rope to the floor. Benoit attempted a tope, but Jericho Formed Blazing Chair and WAFFLED him in the face with it! Dangan! He followed by laying Benoit over the security rail and tried to ride the ladder down on top of him. Benoit moved, and Jericho slipped off to hit the rail. Back in the ring, Benoit gained control, but Jericho came back by lifting Benoit and sticking his leg in between the rungs of the ladder. Jericho gets on the top rope, but punches from Benoit sent them both crashing to the canvas. Benoit got up and dropkicked the ladder into Jericho's face. Crippler-inator! An Irish whip is reversed, and Benoit crashed into the ladder, knocking him out. Jericho climbed the ladder, but Benoit back suplexed him to the canvas. Benoit went up, and Jericho followed. Jericho got the upperhand on the slugfest and caught Benoit in a modified version of a Walls of Jericho on the top of the ladder! The crowd went NUTS for that one. He let Benoit fall and went for the title. However, Benoit kicked the ladder out, hanging Jericho on the top rope. Jericho climbed again, but leapt at Benoit, who caught him in the Crippler Crossface. Jericho tapped, but it's a Ladder Match. They battled up the ladder again, where Jericho went for a superplex. Benoit threw him off. Benoit then went for the flying headbutt off the ladder, but missed! Jericho tried to trap Benoit under the ladder while climbing, but Benoit lifted the ladder and sent Jericho down onto the top rope again. Jericho came back in with a chair as Benoit was climbing and nailed him with it, sending Benoit careening into the top rope and then to the floor in a sick-looking bump. Jericho climbed, but Benoit looked as if he were stuck on something under the ring apron. Jericho retrieved the belt to become a three-time IC Champ! Beautiful f*cking match! What else is there to say? But what was up with Benoit at the end? Did Jericho take some of the superglue that held the Armageddon barrels together and spread it around the floor?
Rating: Spectacular~!
Ivory got in some brief offense before Chyna proceeded to hand her ass to her. The squash isn't too bad, as Ivory did some righteous bumping. When Chyna went for her Backflip-backsplash-in-the-corner-thing, she suddenly crumpled to the mat and didn't move. Lawler, Gunn, and EMTs were out to check on her. Eventually, she was put on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance. That whole thing was just disgusting. The whole angle is a slap in the face to any wrestler who's ever had a legit neck injury. The match itself wasn't the mess I thought it would be, so…
Rating: Bad!
They locked up at the beginning, and went for some basic holds. Kurt took control with three vertical suplexes. They went outside, where Triple H took control by slamming Angle into the guard rail. They went back in, where Triple H locked in a leg grapevine, putting pressure on Kurt's left knee. Angle hit an enzuiguri but was too hurt. Angle made a comeback, but HHH dragged him to the ringpost and wrapped his bad knee around it. Stephanie McMannequin-Warrior could have sworn she saw a Big Distracting Thing, ref! HHH hit Angle's knee with a chair. Triple H lifted him and dropped his knees onto the steps. Back in the ring, Triple H hit two chopblocks and cinched in an Indian Deathlock. Angle retaliated with punches, but got caught with the facebuster after coming off the ropes. Triple H locked in a figure four and Flaired the ropes for more leverage. Trish Intrepid tried to make a save, but Steph pulled her out of the ring and the catfight commenced. Oh my God! You brawled over the Spanish Announcing Table! Tu bastardas! The Billion Dollar McMahon came out to separate them, and we've COMPLETELY forgotten about the match. Vince had a hell of a time getting them out from ringside and keeping them separate, but we finally go back to the match, where Triple H has stupidly let Angle rest while he watched the entire debacle. Angle rolled him up in an inside cradle for two. Angle hit a DDT for another two, and a German suplex for yet ANOTHER number between one and three. He went for a moonsault, but HHH regained his feet and hit The Kliq's Edge! Triple H screwed up a slingshot, which ended with Angle headbutting him right in the genitals. Angle went for the moonsault again, and connected (for the very first time EVER, if I'm not mistaken). They went to the outside, where Earl Hebner ate a clothesline from the apron by Triple H. They went back in, where Triple H went up to the top rope, but Angle hit the Howdahell'dhedothat!? Armdrag! Dangan! Angle went to revive the ref, but HHH managed to knock him out again. Triple H grabbed the belt, but Angle countered into a belly-to-belly suplex. He went for a beltshot himself, but Triple H ducked, kicked, and Pedigree'ed. He rolled to the floor to get the ref, but here comes Austin! Austin beat down Triple H and hit the Stunner, which allowed Angle to crawl over on top of him. Earl Hebner came to and counted three. Very good match, much better than their one at Unforgiven. They both ventured outside their normal moveset and had some great psychology with the knee, which Angle sold very well. The only thing it really lacked was face vs. heel heat, but I thought that the crowd responded pretty well anyway, which just goes to show how well these guys' characters are established.
Rating: Wonderful!
After explaining the rules, we see that Jeff Hardy had drawn #1, and Pat Buchanan had drawn #2. They went at it for the remainder of the interval, until Matt Hardy arrived to the sound of the new Diesel Buzzer. The Hardys double-teamed Bull, eventually dumping him over the top with a double clothesline. They went at it themselves until Faarooq, Faarooq, Faarooq is on Fire came out. He was immediately double-teamed. They hit the Twist of Fate and Swanton Bomb before tossing him out. Drew CareyChrist came out next, but was hesitant to get in the ring. Ignoring him, the Hardys fought on, but ended up eliminating each other. Drew got in the ring and waited until the buzzer sounded and Citizen Kane came out. Carey had the Pete Rose "Aw crap!" look. Carey begged off, even trying to bribe Kane. Kane grabbed Drew and lifted him for a chokeslam, but the buzzer had already sounded and Raven was out. He hit Kane with a kendo stick and Kane dropped Drew, who made a run for it, eliminating himself. Raven dragged some objects into the ring, but Al Snow ran in, attacking Raven. The refs wouldn't let him in the ring, until the buzzer sounded and no one came out, letting everyone know that it was Snow's number. He joined the fray, and hit the bowling ball to the crotch spot on Raven. Sailor Saturn was next, and all three went to work on Kane. Steve Blackman came out. Isn't this like the third year in a row he's gotten #10? Grandmasta Sexay was the next out, but soon fell victim to Kane, who tossed him out. Kane suddenly went berserk, and caused our first Body Purge of the night by eliminating EVERYONE. Buzzer sounded, and… the Honky Tonk Man!? Honky grabbed a mic and said he'd like to sing a song for everyone. He has apparently learned NOTHING by watching Pete Rose and Drew Carey. Kane snatched his gee-tar and smashed it over his skull. He den 'trew da bum out. The Rock was the next one to the ring (early for a top face) to a humongous pop. The God-Awful was the next guy out, and was quickly eliminated by The Rock, who earned my gratitude for the moment. The buzzer sounded, and here comes TTaazz. There goes Tazz. Bradshaw was next, and didn't immediately get tossed out. He held his own against the main-eventers until The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Albert came out, going after Kane. Bob "I'm Hardcore and if Ya Don't Believe Me, I'll Smack Ya" Holly was next, followed by Nestle Kwik. The Real Double V was next, and then Niles made his way out. He went right for the black man! Racism! Test came in next and quickly tossed Regal so he could get to Albert. The buzzer sounded and The Big Joke emerged. Crap! He quickly showed us that though he may have lost some weight, his belly STILL pokes out from under his shirt. He eliminated Test and K-Kwik. He then proceeded to chokeslam everyone else. When he got to The Rock, the Show received a low blow and was clotheslined over the top rope! Yes! Crash "I'm Still Not Sure if I'm a Holly!" came out as the Show dragged Rock from the ring and chokeslammed him. Oh my God! You killed the English Announcing Table!? You (Big Nasty) Bastard! Back in the ring, everyone tried to get Kane over the top, but the buzzer sounded and The Soul Ranger came Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'. He helped his brother by beating up everyone else and they systematically eliminated everyone else! Well, except for the Rock who didn't look like he planned on getting up anytime soon. Scotty 2 Hotty was out next, and didn't look too happy about getting in the ring with the Brothers. He got in anyway. See ya, Scotty! Out next is The Beer Elemental, who was immediately jumped by Triple H! The Rock rolled back in where he went toe to toe with UT and Kane. "Neo" Billy Gunn was out next and began his strenuous journey of doing nothing worth noting. Meanwhile, we saw that Austin had been busted open. Finally, Triple H left. The buzzer sounded, and it's The Superfro!? That's Haku to you and his mother. He ran in and held out against Kane and UT until Rikishi came out to round out our thirty competitors. He saw Austin as an easy target, but Austin exploded (no, not like that!) and opened a can of whoop-ass on Rikishi. They both got in the ring, and UT eliminated Haku. Rikishi superkicked the Undertaker, eliminating him. He landed on his feet, just like his Brothertaker! Rikishi hit the Yokozuna Butt-alanche on Rock and went up for the Banzai Drop. However, The Rock wasn't that hurt, and he gave Rikishi a low blow, which caused him to fall over the top rope. Gunn managed the FameAsser on Austin, but Austin was able to get up, hit the Stunner, and eliminate Gunn minutes later. The Rock and Austin face off as the crowd goes BALLISTIC! Stunner on Rock, but Austin was too weak to get him up for elimination. Kane got Thesz Pressed, but Austin received a Rock Bottom moments later. They ganged up and tossed Kane through the ropes. Kane came back in moments later and eliminated The Rock. After a minute or so of fighting Austin, Kane grabbed a chair. Austin didn't give him a chance to use it as he hits another Stunner. As Kane got up, Austin hit him in the head three times with the chair and clotheslined him over the top rope for the win. Ross disappointed me by only yelling "Stone Cold!" twice. Really good Rumble. I'd say that in terms of quality, it's about on par with last year's, maybe a little over. There's no way that all of those intervals were two minutes, however.
Rating: Awesome!
1. Jeff Hardy
2. Bull Buchanan
3. Matt Hardy
4. Faarooq
5. Drew Carey
6. Kane
7. Raven
8. Al Snow
9. Perry Saturn
10. Steve Blackman
11. Grandmasta Sexay
12. The Honky Tonk Man
13. The Rock
14. The Goodfather
15. Tazz
16. Bradshaw
17. Albert
18. Hardcore Holly
19. K-Kwik
20. Val Venis
21. William Regal
22. Test
23. The Big Show
24. Crash
25. The Undertaker
26. Scotty 2 Hotty
27. Steve Austin
28. Billy Gunn
29. Haku
30. Rikishi
1. Buchanan (The Hardy Boyz)
2. Faarooq (The Hardy Boyz)
3. Matt Hardy (Jeff Hardy)
4. Jeff Hardy (Matt Hardy)
5. Drew Carey (himself)
6. Sexay (Kane)
7. Blackman (Kane)
8. Snow (Kane)
9. Raven (Kane)
10. Saturn (Kane)
11. Honky Tonk Man (Kane)
12. Goodfather (Rock)
13. Tazz (Kane)
14. Regal (Test)
15. Test (Big Show)
16. K-Kwik (Big Show)
17. Big Show (Rock)
18. Bradshaw (Undertaker)
19. Crash (Kane)
20. Albert (Kane)
21. Holly (Undertaker)
22. Val (Undertaker)
23. Scotty (UT and Kane)
24. Haku (Undertaker)
25. Undertaker (Rikishi)
26. Rikishi (Rock)
27. Gunn (Austin)
28. Rock (Kane)
29. Kane (Austin)
30. Winner: Steve Austin
Overall PPV Rating: Wonderful!
The Closing Word: Great PPV. It hearkened back to the old days when the Rumble event consisted of the Rumble match and four other matches. Every match was enjoyable except for the Women's match, which wasn't as bad as I thought, and it was kept short. That's all for now!