[Wayne plays his guitar-again]
[Wayne starts playing Stairway to heaven. The clerk stops him and points at a sign above a stairway...]
Wayne:"No Stairway! Denied!"
Garth: "Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick."
Garth: "Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I don't know, but he better not."
Wayne Campbell: "Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!"
Wayne: "All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat"."
Arcade owner: "What?"
Wayne: "Exactly."
[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne: "I say puke. If you hurl and she comes back, she's yours. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."
Wayne: "Hi. My name is Wayne Cambell. I live in Aurora, Illinios, which is a suburb of Chicago---excellent! I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Yes, I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But I have this awesome cable access show, and I still know how to party. Ahh, the mirth-mobile."
Tiny: "Wanye! How you doin'?"
Wayne: "Hey Tiny, who's playing today?"
Tiny: "Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles."
Wayne: "Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?"
Tiny: "They suck!"
Wayne: "Then it's not just a clever name"
Garth: "Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?"
Stacy: "Happy anniversary, Wayne."
Wayne: "Stacy, we broke up 2 months ago!"
Stacy: "Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?"
Wayne: "Well it does actually, that's what breaking up is."
Wayne: "So, do you come to Milwaukee often?"
Alice Cooper: "Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century."
Pete: "Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?"
Alice Cooper: "Yes, Pete, it is. In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land.""
Wayne: "I was not aware of that."
Alice Cooper: "I think one of the most interesting things about Milwaukee is that it's the only American city to elect three Socialist mayors."
Wayne to the camera: "Does this guy know how to party or what?"
Wayne: "I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice! Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, thats weird!"
[Admiring a guitar in a music store.]
Wayne: "It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine."
Garth: "Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this."
Garth Algar: "That is a babe! She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class."
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: "She's a babe."
Garth Algar: "She's magically babelicious."
Wayne Campbell: "She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale."
Benjamin: "First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan."
Garth Algar: "You are?"
Benjamin: "The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more."
Garth Algar: "Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance!"
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"
Wayne Campbell: "Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?"
Benjamin: "Do you have a lawyer?"
Wayne Campbell: "Yes! Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad."
Garth Algar: "That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen man! I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!"."
Terry: "Wayne! Wayne! Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man."
Wayne Campbell: "Yea, and I love you too, Terry."
Terry: "No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you!"
Wayne Campbell: "No, I-I mean it. I love you."
Terry: "No you don't, man. I love you."
Wayne Campbell being hugged by Terry: "Garth! Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you."
Terry: "I love you, man."
Garth Algar: "Thank you!"
Russel: "It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue."
Wayne Campbell: "Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job..."
Benjamin Oliver: "So Garth, how do you like being in a studio?"
Garth Algar: "Ahm, it's like a new pair of underwear, you know... At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you."
[Suggesting ordering Chinese food]
Wayne Campbell: "I like the cream of "sum yung gai."
[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: "Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before ... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?"
Wayne Campbell: "Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her."
Garth Algar: "She's a babe."
Wayne Campbell: "She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora"."
Garth Algar: "If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln."
[A brief pause]
Garth Algar: "Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?"
Wayne Campbell cracks up laughing: "No... No!"
Garth Algar: "Neither did I. I was just asking."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "Anything wrong, Davy?"
Davy: "Yeah, I got paid today."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "Yeah, I know what that's like."
Davy: "No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "Yeah, I know how that feels."
Davy: "Know what I'd like to do?"
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies."
Davy: "Actually, I was thinking of filing a disagreement with the union."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "Well, the world's a twisted place."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: "You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body."
Garth Algar: "OK ... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy."
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell: "Yes, officer, is there a problem?"
T-1000: "Have you seen this boy?"
Cassandra: "I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before..."
Benjamin Kane: "Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not."
Wayne Campbell: "Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original."
Wayne and Garth to Alice Cooper: "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
Wayne Campbell: "I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw..."
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