August Jokes
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God had just finished creating Adam.
God said to him "Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden."
So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God "God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman for Adam.
Adam looked at the woman and said to God "God, why did you make her so beautiful?" and God replied "So you will like her Adam." Adam said, "But God she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?" "So you will like her" God replied.
Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?" God replied "So she will like you."
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A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get ready for Church. He replied "I'm not goin'" His mother said "Yes you are goin', so get out of that bed." He replied "Give me ONE good reason why I should go," She replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons...
1. I'm your mother, and I say you're goin'.
2. You're 40 years old, so you're old enough to know better.
3. You're the Pastor, so you need to be there.
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Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion. The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained. "That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring the pavement?"
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At a downtown mission one evening the minister was preaching a sermon on the evils of drinking. To illustrate the point he put two glasses on the pulpit. The first glass he filled with water, the second glass he filed with a very good bourbon whiskey. Then he dropped a healthy earthworm into the glass of water. Imediatly the worm strarted to swim around. Then he took the worm and dropped it into the glass of whiskey. Immeediatly the worm shriveled up and died. The minister asked the congregation of drifters, "What does this prove to you?" Immediatly an old drunk enthusiasticly raised his hand and said, "Preacher, if you drink good whiskey, you won't get worms.
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A Rabbi, a Vicar and a Priest went fishing one day, they patiently sat on the river bank waiting for a bite, after a few hours the Rabbi stood up and said, "I don't think we are going to get anywhere here so I'm going to cross the river and try up stream". The Priest pointed out that the nearest bridge was 3 miles away. "No problem" replied the Rabbi who knelt down and prayed for a few seconds, then he stood up and walked across the water! The Vicar started packing away his fishing equipment and shouted to the Rabbi to wait for him. The Vicar knelt down and said a quick prayer and walked across the river to join the Rabbi. The Priest thought to himself if they can do it so can I. "Wait for me" the Priest called, "There's no point in me staying here on my own", the Priest knelt down and said a prayer stood up walked to the river bank took one step out into the river then vanished beneath the surface. On the other bank the Vicar turned to the Rabbi "Do you think we should of told him about the stepping stones"?
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Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven. As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow, I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!" "Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have gotten here ten years sooner."
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A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?" "That's right son, why?" "Well that's just what they said at church today."
"Run upstairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."
About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down.
"I'll be there in a minute."
As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The litte boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!
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A great flood swept across a great countryside, and a Christian couple were trapped upon a roof. The waters continued to rise when a boat came towards them. "Do you need some help?" the man in the boat asked. "No. Jesus will save us." came the reply.
A couple of hours later, another boat came to their aid. By this time, the water was halfway up the roofline. "You folks need some help?" was the question. "No. Jesus will save us." again was their reply.
A couple of more hours later and the water was now lapping over the peak of the roof, when a helicopter came over. A man was hoisted down. "You folks need some help?" he asked. "No Jesus will save us." once more was the reply.
A few more hours passed and the couple died. At the perly gates, they requested to see Jesus. "What happened Lord? We've lived our entire lives for you. We prayed un-ceasingly to you and believed in you. Why did you let us drown?"
The Lord replied. "What are you mad at me for? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter."
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