Jokes

I WILL FIX THIS LATER!!! Sex stories ----------- Q - How do Mr. and Mrs. Pinocchio make love? A - She sits on his face while he tells lies. If sex is a pain in the ass for you. You're doing it in the wrong hole. To all virgins: Thank you for nothing! This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said "I gotta have you!" and then he backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked "What's wrong honey, didn't you come, you want more?" and his wife said "No, no, its not that, I'm trying to get the doorknob out of my asshole!" Q - Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia? A - One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit! Q - Why would you want to wrap your hamster in duct tape? S - So it won't explode when you fuck it. Q - What's the difference between love and herpes? S - Herpes lasts forever. Q - Why are women amazing? A - They bury bones without digging a hole! Life's like a Penis - when it's soft you can't beat it . And when it's hard you get fucked. Sex is just like pizza... When it's good, it's pretty good. And when it's bad... well it's still pretty good! The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. Sex is like a bridge game - If you have a good hand no partner is needed. Did you hear about the new sport... Rodeo Sex? That's when there's a married couple who's "doing it" doggie style and the wife says "Geee... I really like it this way." and the husband says "Yeah... my girlfriend says the same thing." Then he's got 8 seconds to try and hang on! A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first." The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step. "How dare you?!" she demanded. "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you had unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were good friends!" Don't like oral sex? Shut your mouth. After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king- size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning." One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face." The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." I have one! Mother Superior said to the nuns "Last night, we found men's underwear on the lawn. 99 nuns said "Oh Lord!" And 1 nun said "Te he he" Mother Superior also said that she had found a condom. 99 nuns said "Oh Lord!" and one said "Te he he" Then Mother S. said "Oh, by the way, there was a hole in the condom" 99 nuns said "Te he he" and 1 nun said "Oh Lord!" One day a little boy and little girl heard the word "penis" on the playground. The girl talked the boy into asking the teacher what penis ment. The teacher told him, "We don't discuss such things in school." The teacher also said that he should ask his father when he went home. Upon getting home he asked his father. His father said, "Not only will I tell you, I'll show you mine. And by the way, THIS is a perfect penis." At play period the next day the boy and the girl got together. The girl asked, "Did your daddy tell you what a penis is?" the Boy replied, "Uh Huh, here let me show you." "So that's what one is." "Yep, and if it was only two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis." A family of one dad and two kids go out to dinner. The waitress comes up a asks the one kid what he wants. "I'll have a fucking hamburger!!" With that, the dad leaned over the table with a right hook, knocking the kid unconcious. The dad was upset over what he had said. The waitress did not know what to do so she just ignored what happened and she asked what the other kid wanted. "I certainly don't want a fucking hambuger. Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). Politicians do it to everyone. Procrastinators do it tomorrow. Communists do it without class. Evangelists do it with Him watching. Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Q - How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A - A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." Q - Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? A - Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. College is like a woman - you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. Two women were attending a funeral of a friend who had been married 8 times. One sighed and said, "Their together at last." "Which husband are you talking about?" the other asked. "None of her husbands. I mean her legs." Q - Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A - Cowboys don't take off their hats when they eat! How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat? She sits on your face and you cant hear the stereo! What are the five worst things about being a prick? I'll tell you: 1-They've got a hole in the head. 2-They've always got ring around the collar. 3-Their next door neighbors are two nuts and an asshole. 4-Their best friend is a cunt 5-Every time they get excited they throw up. Q - What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A - A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. Q - What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"? A - A chinese prostitute! OFFICIAL RULES FOR INDOOR GOLF 1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses that they have played or currently are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to be irate if they find someone else playing what they considered to be their own private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several time in one match. 13. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golfbag. 14. Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player. 15. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner. 16. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 17. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 18. Membership at a given course - Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. Q - How do you screw a 400-pound woman? A - Roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot! Q - How do you know you've got the best blowjob in the universe? A - You have to use two hands to pull the sheets out of your butt. SEX is like a snowstorm - You never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long it's going to last. The President of an American company was staying as an honored guest in the home of the Japanese president of his subsidiary company in Japan. "All in my home is yours..", he was told, and true as his word each night he would creep in the dark into the bedroom of the Japanese president's daughter, and get into bed with her. She just whispered 'Marimekko', 'Marimekko', more and more excitedly each night. On his last day in Japan, the American businessman was playing a farewell round of golf with his Japanese associate. The game ended with the Japanese president sinking a 20 foot putt. The American, not knowing any Japanese, searched for a suitable word that might be appropriate. "Aahh!", he said, "Marimekko!". "Uh?", replied his Japanese associate,"What do you mean,'the wrong hole'"? One night a little boy is walking by his single mother's bedroom and sees her on her bed. She's rubbing her crotch and her breasts moaning "I want a man, I want a man." He thinks this is a bit strange, but the next night he once again spies his mother rubbing her breasts and snatch moaning "I want a man, I want a man." The next night, he walks by his mother's bedroom and sees that this time, his mother does indeed have a man in the bed with her. So he runs back to his room, takes off all his clothes, and rubs his body all over, moaning, "I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle." It seems that this one lady was in the grocery store, doing her shopping. However, she had one hand over her vagina. This was causing a lot of speculation and commotion among the other customers. Finally, the store manager came over to her and said "I could notice that you have your hand over your vagina. Is there anything I can do?". She replied "No, it's just that last night, we were all out of vaseline, so I had to use butter instead. But we were all out of butter, so I used margarine instead. Now whenever I remove my hand, it says 'Butter!'". A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, "Do you keep stationery?" She answers, "Right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and I turn into an animal." A father and his 3 sons are walking down the street. His father sees a whore- house, walks in, slams a 1000 bucks on the table and says "I want a thousand dollar fuck!!!". So the guy yells "Hey Herbie... bring out the two blonds!". Later on, the 20 year old son passes another whorehouse, and walks in. He slams $500 on the table and says "I wanna $500 fuck !!!". So the guy yells "Hey Charlie! Bring out the two brunettes" Later on, the 18 year old gets the same urge and walks into another whorehouse. He slaps $50 on the table and says "I wanna $50 fuck!". So the guy yells, "Hey Freddie! Bring out the blond!". Then, the youngest son (10), not to be left out, walks into the same whore- house as his older 18 year old brother. He slaps $5 on the table and says "I wanna five dollar fuck!!!". The guy looks at the five and yells..."Hey Freddie! Grease the cat's ass!!!" There once was a man stranded on this desserted island, all he had with him was a sheep and a dog. Every time he would fuck the sheep, the dog would go crazy and bite him. One day while sitting on the shore, he sees a raft out in the ocean. He swims out only to find a famished, "been at sea" for days, woman. He takes her back to the island and nurses her back to health. She turnes out to be a beautiful 20 year old woman. She says to him one day "I owe you my life, you saved me, I'll do anything for you!" He replies "anything?", she says "Yes, anything!" He says "Hold the dog!!!" There is a new douche on the market called ssy. It takes the pu out of pussy A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla." . Here's to the girl who's afraid of men, fucked herself with a fountain pen. The pen broke and the ink went wild, and she gave birth to a colored child. A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse." A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man asks, "what is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl. "They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky." "They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders. "No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs." A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him. "Come on, turn around," the sailor says angrily. "I don't want to butt-fuck." "But you do want to open that bottle, don't you?" says the whore. These two Martians are flying around the earth one night, and land their saucer in a gas station. One Martian goes over to the cigarette machine, and asks, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" The other Martian walks over and says, "don't bother with her, Qmmpzzgl, we're no match for earth men. Look at that one sleeping over there with his prick in his ear." Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse and sets up a deal with the Madam. "I want something different but not Hurricane Gussy and it took me ten trips to the clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got thats different!!" "Well," the Madam replies, "How about One eyed Wanda." He says "Fine as long as I don't get pissed on or catch something." He goes up to the room and a bit later a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving in and she says "Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn't go there." She then proceeds to remove a glass eye and says, "Give it to me there." He proceeds and when he was leaving he says to the girl "Dear that was one of the best screws I've had in years. I'll be back soon!!" She replies "Great!! I'll keep an eye out for you!" A woman went to a podiatrist with a complaint that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was exteamly bowlegged. He asked her if she had always been that way. No she said, not until recently. I've been fucking a lot doggie style. Well he said, you are going to have to stop. I can't she replied, that's the only way my german shepherd fucks. Two drunks were lying alongside the curb when a cop came up the officer saw that one had his finger stuck up the other's ass. What do you think you're doing? The cop demanded. My buddy is sick and I'm trying to make him throw up the drunk slurred. Well how the hell is sticking your finger up his ass going to make him throw up? Just wait the drunk said, until I stick it in his mouth... Having taken a few too many at a hotel dance, a pretty young thing in Cheyenne dashed out of doors, fainted, and fell over a trash barrel. A young man saw her, picked her up and carried her up to his room. The next morning he wired his partner in Denver. "CLOSE OFFICE, SELL EVERYTHING COME TO WYOMING. THEY THROW AWAY BETTER STUFF HERE THAN YOU CAN BUY IN COLORADO!" Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity ! I fucked her laying I fucked her standing If she had wings I should fuck her flying Now she's dead but not forgotten I dragged her up and fucked her rotten A Ukranian couple just got married and they have just arrived in their hotel room on their honeymoon. They are undressing and the groom takes off his shoes and socks. The wife sees his toes and says "Oh my God! What happened to your toes?" His toes are all wizzened up and look terrible. He says "Didn't I tell you? When I was little I had toelio." So they continue undressing and the groom takes off his pants. The wife sees his knees and says "Oh my God! what happened to your knees?" His knees are awful. They are just big ugly knobs. He says "Didn't I tell you? when I was young I had kneasles." They continue to undress and the groom takes off his underwear. The bride exclaimes "Oh my God! you never told me you had smallcocks too!" A guy walks into the doctor's office and tells the doctor that his elbow hurts. The doctor tells him to go into the bathroom and catch a sample of urine as he just bought a new computer that can analyze the sample and tell him everything that is wrong with the man. The man tells the doctor that he has just pissed and doesn't have any left, so the doctor tells him to take the bottle home and bring it back later. As the man drives home, he gets a brainstorm. Once home he tells his wife to pee into the bottle and then tells his daughter to do the same. Later, while walking the dog, he catches some of the dogs piss also. Just before taking the sample back to the doctor, he beats off into the bottle. The doctor runs the sample through the computer and returns to tell the man that he has some major problems. The man says 'but just my elbow hurts!'. The doctor says 'well, that's just tennis elbow.' But the other problems are bad. First, your wife has vd, second, your daughter is pregnant and third, your dog has distemper.' Wow, the man exclaims, but what about my elbow? the doctor retorted: Quit beating off and your tennis elbow will heal!!! Q - WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS? A - TOYS FOR TWATS. Q - What do you call a heard of masturbating cattle? A - Beef strokenoff. Q - What do soy beans and dildos have in common? A - Both are mear substitutes Q - What do you call a cow with an abortion? A - Decalfinated. Q - Why don't chickens wear underwear? A - Because their peckers are on their face. Q - What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A - A dicktator Q - What is the defination of a born loser? A - A guy who falls into a sea of tits and comes up sucking his thumb. Q - Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A - Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls. Q - What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market? A - "Morning Ladies!" *-++-*-*+*-*-*+-*+-*+-*-+*+-*+-*-+*-+*+-*+*-*+*+-*+-*+-*+-*+*+-*+-*+*+-*+*+-*-+*+-*+-*+-*+-* Following a long arduous cattle drive, the cowboy headed for the restaurant for dinner. Taking the only seat left, which was next to a lady about 20 years old (who looked very wealthy and educated), he overheard her place her order. "I'll have breast of fowl, virgin fowl. Make sure it's virgin. Catch it yourself. Garnish my plate with onion and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold. And waiter, open a window. I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in the house." Thoroughly pissed, the cowboy made his order. "l'll have duck, fucked duck. Make sure it's fucked. Fuck it yourself. Garnish my plate with horseshit. Then bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, and blow the foam off with a fart. And waiter, knock the whole damn wall down. I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house." The buisnessman took the young secretary to a motel room. The girl seemed shy and inexperienced, so the man decided he would be her tutor in the arts of love. He began by running his hands over her chest. Do you know what I'm doing? he asked? No she replied... I'm fondling your breasts. Then he moved his hand down to the soft V between her legs and asked. Do you know what I'm doing now? When she replied, no, he explained he was caressing her clitoris. The he became so aroused that he spread her legs and thrust his penis into her. Do you know what I'm doing now? He panted. Yes she responded cooly. You're catching herpes... A girl was coming home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. Anne, she said you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding. I didn't mother, Anne replied. I was giving a blow job to a chinaman and he got sick all over me... An old indian was feeling out of sorts one day so he went to the medicine man to get some help. After a short discussion it was determined that the man's problem was that he had never had sex. So he goes to the local cathouse steps up to the madam and says "Have wampum, want woman!" The madam soon finds out he's never had a woman and tells him he must get some experience first and then come back. So the old indian goes back to the medicine man for advice. and is told to go into the forest and find a tree with a knothole and practice on it. A few days later the man goes back to the cathouse and says "Got wampum want woman!" This time he tells the madam that he has experience. He goes up to the room, and a short while later an attractive girl comes into the the room and lies down. He says "Get up!" She does. He reaches under the bed and pulls out one of the wood slats from under the frame, and hits her hard across the ass with it. She screems, "What the hell are you doing you pervert!!" He replies, "Checkum for bees!!". He had indeed gotten experience. A whore came into a bar and saw a real ugly guy sitting at the bar. She said to the bartender, gee, that guy's the ugliest guy I've ever seen!" - Send him a drink on me! They finally got together and she propositions him. He says, great,but I'm kinky. She says: - Great, I love kinky men. I won't charge you anything! Over at her house he tells her to get naked and do a headstand up against the wall facing it. She does. She says: - Give it to me, baby! She hears the clunk, clunk of the belt buckle and the clomp, clomp of the shoes... and after five minutes wondered what was going on. She said: - I'm so excited by waiting. Give it to me! He said, - I already did! She turned her red face around on the floor and said: - You did?! What did you do?" He said: - I told you i was kinky. I shit in your purse! Two young starlets are discussing the sessions they have just had with the movie producer. "Did he give you a good part?" asks one. "No he did not!" replies the other. "Why he made me such a ridiculous offer, I just laughed right in his balls." So this guy walks into a whorehouse and tells the receptionist that he wants to get fucked. So she tells him to go up to room 23, he looks around for a while and finally finds it, knocks on the door and says, "I want to get fucked!". The girl on the other side says, "OK, slip a twenty under the door". He searches his wallet, pulls out a twenty and slips it under the door. About 10 minutes later, he knocks on the door again and says, "Hey, where's my fuck!!" The girl says, "You've just been fucked, want to try again??" A guy leaves his place at the bar to go relieve himself. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bar keep approaches the customer and askes what the problem is. - Oh some son of a bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head. - Jesus Christ! What happened? - He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out! - Yeah, then what? - Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you? A classroom full of students was having show and tell, and a farmer boy was showing his hoe, when a black kid raised his hand and said, "That ain't no hoe, my sister's a hoe and she don't look like that!" Q - Know what is the square root of 69? S - Ate something. A nymphomaniac is a girl who likes every man to be in different. Q - Why do women have legs? S - So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors. Q - What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common? A - "Never had it, never will." Q - Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant? A - Why fuck her! of course! Q - What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg? A - 1. You only get laid once. 2. You only get eaten once. 3. It takes you seven minutes to get hard in boiling water. 4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother. Q - Which one doesn't belong? 1) Wife 2) Meat 3) Clock 4) Blow-job A- It's #4 because you can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, and you can beat the clock, but you can't beat a blow job! Q - Why can woman only go 68 Mph on the highway? A - Because at 69 the blow a rod! Q - How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex? A - You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth. Q - Why did the pervert cross the road? A - Because he was stuck to a chicken. Q - What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex? A - Stand back I don't know how big it gets! Q - How do you define a "tough guy"? A - He bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it off. Q - What do you call a hooker with no legs? A - A nightcrawler. Q - How do you get a Mexican pregnant? A - Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!! Q - Where do they get virgin wool? A - Ugly sheep. Q - Did you hear about the pussy cookie? A - You take too big a bite, it tastes like shit. Q - Do you know why Congress is trying to keep women from swimming in the oceans? A - They can't get the smell off the fish. Q - Know what an "11" is? A - A "10" who doesn't get headaches. Q - Know what a Greek "10" is? A - The back end of a "3". Q - Know the difference between pussy and parsley? A - Nobody eats parsley. Q - Why do women like to play PacMan? A - It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter. Q - Why do men like to play Pinball? A - It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter. Q - What's the difference between "kinky" and "erotic?" S - With "kinky" you use the whole chicken. TOP SEVEN DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DICK: 7> Use it to discipline your pitbull. 6> Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working. 5> Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster. 4> Get a blow job from a cannibal. 3> Substitute it for a golf tee. 2> Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed. 1> Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman! George was over in England at a tea party, and was offerred a cup of tea by the English butler. The butler said "Here, we serve three types of tea: ABC tea which is 90% body and 10% aroma; or NBC tea which is 10% body and 90% aroma, or CBC tea which is 50% body and 50% aroma, which is what most of the people go for". "Which would you like, sir?". At this point George stood up and said "We got three kinds of tea in Newfoundland too. There's your farT which is 90% aroma and 10% body, there's your shiT which is about 10% aroma and 90% body, and then there's your cunT which is about 50/50, and that's what most of the boys go for". Movie Ratings: PG -- the hero gets the girl. R -- the villain gets the girl. X -- everybody in the movie gets the girl. Did you hear about the freeloving secretary who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man. "Simultaneous orgasms," explains a sex therapist, "are mostly the result of a stroke of luck." A daisy chain is no stronger than its weakest dink. A lover is a strange bird. He feels strongest when he's all in. A man was so miserable he decide to end it all with 100 aspirins, but after he'd taken a couple he felt much better. A pushover is like a personnel manager ... she gives out jobs. A transplanted Cockney golf groupie is so accessible to the guys on the tour that she's been nicknamed the British Open. A woman's like a waffle. You want to get one good and warm before you pour the syrup to her. Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages - such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. Blonde girl has black hair, by crackey. CAUTION is never asking, "Do you still respect me?" SELF-PRESERVATION is not admitting that you don't. Compulsive masturbators have been classified by one straight-talking psychiatrist as "completely whacko!" Confucious says: Dirty old fellow like chinese laundry man -- always does own laundry by hand. Confucius say: "Man who eats tennis shoes is likely to pass sneakers. Confucius say: "Man who stands under naked woman on ladder likely to get rung ideas." Cuddle up a little closer, it is a little shorter than you think. Cynicism among C.B. hookers has reached the point where one of them is reported to have said, "Never give a breaker an even suck!" Did you hear about a chap who wanted to borrow $10,000 for a sex-change operation. As collateral, he offered to put up the family jewels. Did you hear about an establishment near Parliament in our nation's capital that caters to kinky tastes. There's a House whip in attendance, of course. Did you hear about an operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she humming his parts while he fingers her passages. Did you hear about one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off. Did you hear about the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book. Did you hear about the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife. Did you hear about the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing his whatchamacalit. Did you hear about the Acapulco hooker who gives such prodigious head that she's known as the gulp of Mexico. Did you hear about the aging ingenue who thinks the best way to keep her youth is never to introduce him to other girls. Did you hear about the Army noncom who had stripes tattooed on his penis so he could pull rank. Did you hear about the artificial insemination enterprise in the Middle East called Seeders of Lebanon. Did you hear about the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to go up on him. Did you hear about the beautiful woman with lustrous raven tresses who does 100 strokes a night as a beauty treatment. And after that, if she has any energy left, she brushes her hair. Did you hear about the broad who made love in the back of a hack and wound up with Taxi crabs. Did you hear about the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films -- the hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be. Did you hear about the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors. Did you hear about the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the wrong foot. Did you hear about the cynical husband who says it's better to have loved and lost than to have loved and won. Did you hear about the dissatisfied transplant patient who demanded that the surgeon replace his brand-new penis. It seems that it rejected his hand. Did you hear about the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed everybody in the joint. Did you hear about the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling. Did you hear about the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant. Did you hear about the existence of a Black Panther-gay lib group known as the African violets. Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them. Did you hear about the fellow who bought his wife a gold coil...he had always wanted to come into wealth. Did you hear about the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed her between the limbs. Did you hear about the fellow who decided to start procrastinating but never got around to it. Did you hear about the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly accommodating girls. He refers to it as his blew book. Did you hear about the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea. Did you hear about the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended up a chopped libber. Did you hear about the female lab technician who has asked to be transferred from a genetics-research project because the horny director keeps trying to get into her genes. Did you hear about the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the delinquency of a major. Did you hear about the French art of self-defense called Tongue Fu. Did you hear about the French girl who came to the U.S. but soon returned home--she missed her native tongue. Did you hear about the french soldier who kisses both his wife's cheeks before he went to the front. Did you hear about the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex education when she heard the final exam would be oral. Did you hear about the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt. Did you hear about the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local sailors. Did you hear about the girl who applied for a job as a night-deposit box in a sperm bank. Did you hear about the girl who left the promotional orgy at the Sex Device Manufacturers' Convention with a vague feeling of unease. She didn't know what was eating her. Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a sperm bank after she became pregnant. They discovered she'd been embezzling. Did you hear about the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator off. Did you hear about the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip. Did you hear about the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication. Did you hear about the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he lost his ball bearings. Did you hear about the guy who shot his wad in Las Vegas but didn't have time to stay around and try his luck in the casinos. Did you hear about the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along. Did you hear about the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin. Did you hear about the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe. Did you hear about the Happy Hooker's next book will be called "The Hollander Tunnel". Did you hear about the high school drum major who dated two of his majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers. Did you hear about the horny Eskimo who visited an Anchorage brothel and requested a nose job. Did you hear about the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce. Did you hear about the imaginative California nun who claimed that her pregnancy was San Andreas' fault. Did you hear about the ingenious doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia. His patients didn't get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. Did you hear about the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are with young housewives who aren't adequately covered. Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first radio alarm cock. Did you hear about the jealous black activist who suspected that his wife was involved in some honkie-panky. Did you hear about the Las Vegas high roller who would flip his nightly callgirl to see if he got head or tail. Did you hear about the latest word on the male-grooming front is that a brand-new pubic shampoo is to be called Head and Boulders. Did you hear about the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home for some money. Did you hear about the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent -- except on Palm Sunday. Did you hear about the man who broke his nose in amorous circumstances. He was making love to his wife doggy style and she suddenly ran under the bed. Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman. Did you hear about the marriage of the dipsomaniac and the nymphomaniac. It was nip and fuck all the way. Did you hear about the meanest man in the world didn't tell his wife he was sterile until she got pregnant. Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang. Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Porn Flakes that goes "Snatch! Nipple! Crotch!" Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios. You simply add milk and they eat each other. Did you hear about the new dessert topping that S/M freaks get a bang out of is called Pistol Whips. Did you hear about the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in single bars. It's called BANG AMERICARD. Did you hear about the new rule at the girls' school. Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. Did you hear about the new tooth paste for post-oral-orgy use. It is called DecaDent. Did you hear about the new vitamin made from chicken blood, it makes men cocky and women lay better. Did you hear about the newfie catastrophe, an outhouse burnt down and left forty homeless. Did you hear about the Newfie girls that are using hockey pucks instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods. Did you hear about the Newfie that Backed off the bus because he thought someone would grab his seat. Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend 'Margarine Legs' because they spread so easily. Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend Tapioca because she could be made in a minute. Did you hear about the Newfie that Looked in a lumber yard for a draft board. Did you hear about the Newfie that Lost his girl friend because he couldn't remember where he had laid her. Did you hear about the Newfie that Picked his nose apart so he could see how it ran. Did you hear about the Newfie that Put his hat on his head in the john, so he would know what end to wipe. Did you hear about the Newfie that Put iodine on his pay cheque because he got a cut in pay. Did you hear about the Newfie that Sat home crying because her husband was out shooting crap, and she didn't know how to cook it. Did you hear about the Newfie that Spent four days in Eatons, trying to buy a wheel for a miscarriage. Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought "no kidding" was meant to be birth control. Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a couple of periods. Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed. Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that a mushroom was a place to neck. Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble. Did you hear about the Newfie that Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his little dream boat out in the fog and mist. Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his pregnant wife to a grocery store, because they had free delivery. Did you hear about the Newfie that Was feeling low, so he got his face slapped. Did you hear about the Newfie who joined the Navy because he heard that Waves are the best humpers--but he drowned trying to prove it. Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought bees hum because they don't know the words. Did you hear about the Newfie who thought his wife would look good in something long and flowing, so he pushed her into the Mississippi River. Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children. Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again. Did you hear about the Newfie Who went flyfishing and came home with a seven pound bluebottle. Did you hear about the Newfie Who wouldn't go out with his wife because she was married. Did you hear about the newfie woman who couldn't get pregnant twice because she blew the both of them. Did you hear about the next major-theme amusement park will be called Disneygland. Did you hear about the not too bright mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed. Did you hear about the nun who was two monks behind in her period. Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc. Did you hear about the nymphomaniac teenager who was popularly known as Little Often Annie. Did you hear about the old gentleman who had a massive stroke -- it is what made him popular at Sun City orgies. Did you hear about the old rabbi who has performed so many circumcisions that he's popularly known as Max the Knife. Did you hear about the operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she humming his parts while he fingers her passages. Did you hear about the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle. Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney. Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space". Did you hear about the poor fellow whose unfortunate pissing trajectory earned him the nickname Tinkletoes. Did you hear about the poor girl from Appalachia who travelled to the city and made it big in the massage parlor field -- a case of going from rags to rigids. Did you hear about the porno film that outgrossed its competitors. Did you hear about the practical young miss who bought a negligee with fur around the hemline to keep her neck warm. Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as A STROKE OF GENIUS. Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box. Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women. Did you hear about the recent survey that showed that the average young bachelor is more interested in high frequency than high fidelity. Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed because he blew his assignment. Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a bumper sticker reading,DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY! Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles". Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick. Did you hear about the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini. Did you hear about the semiliterate streetwalker who unwittingly approached a plainsclothesman. Her proposition ended with a sentence. Did you hear about the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. Did you hear about the sweet young journalism-school graduate who quit when she found out that the house organ she'd been hired to work on was attached to the editor. Did you hear about the swinger who has labelled his little black book "Future Shack". Did you hear about the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted. Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that it would be the best thing that could happen to them. Did you hear about the weak-willed teenager who was forced into voyeurism by his Peeping Tom friends. It was peer-group pressure. Did you hear about the wealthy necrophile who had bier tastes on champagne budget. Did you hear about the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated company -- the computer got drunk and tried to undo the electric typewriter's ribbon. Did you hear about the window washer who scared the boss right out of his secretary. Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged the driver five bucks. Did you hear about the woman who hates her husband so much that she closes her eyes during intercourse because she doesn't want to see him enjoying himself. Did you hear about the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as Secretariat -- not because she's a good secretary but because she's a wonderful mount. Did you hear about Why Christ wasn't born in Newfoundland? They couldn't find three wisemen, and a virgin. Did you hear She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down too. Did you hear that A career girl's mind moves her ahead, while a chorus girl's mind moves her behind. Did you hear that A man who likes to be in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him. Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples is to be called Genitalia. Did you hear that a new line of bull sperm for use in animal husbandry will be called Elmer's Goo. Did you hear that A voyeur's liberation front is being organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole". Did you hear that acupuncture fees in China are so modest that they're referred to as pin money. Did you hear that Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip. Did you hear that bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. Did you hear that Carte Blanche plans to issue a specialty card for swingers -- to be called Charge d'Affaires. Did you hear that David of the Bible was nothing but a young man who used leather to get his rocks off. Did you hear that massage-parlor girls may soon be striking for better jerking conditions. Did you hear that Most bachelors prefer girls who believe that children should be seen and not had. Did you hear that one enterprising sperm bank is planning to distribute its product in aerosol dispensers. It's to be called Heirspray, of course. Did you hear that orthopedist have reported the appearance of a new occupational disease epidemic to massage parlors. It's called penis elbow. Did you hear that She said she would do anything for a mink coat, she got one, and now she can't button it up. Did you hear that She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. Did you hear that some experimental botanist has developed a strain of marijuana with aphrodisiac properties that he calls TUMBLEWEED. Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux. Did you hear that some supermarkets are now selling six-packs of whipped cream -- in case you're going to an orgy. Did you hear that The difference between a 20-year old prostitute and a 15-year old teeny-bopper is that between 20 dollars and 20 years. Did you hear that the ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria" Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out. Did you hear that the Fire Island Deli is featuring a special submarine sandwich this season. Naturally, it's mostly tongue. Did you hear that the first aphrodisiac-laxative is about to hit the market -- under the name Easy Come, Easy Go. Did you hear that the Ku Klux Klan, in an effort to keep up with the times, is considering changing its name to the White Muslins. Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing. Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears. Did you hear that the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians". Did you hear that the pretty lab technicians in busy sperm banks are sometimes asked to lend a hand. Did you hear that the trademark people in Washington are in a quandary over an application from an electrified-dildo manufacturer to register the term Good Vibes. Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way. Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course. Did you hear that Witches don't have babies because their husbands have halloweenies. Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric. Did you hear What to do about fall-out, re-insert and shorten strokes. Did you hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. Ecology freaks sniff at users of spray cans. The ecologists claim, "They're just a bunch of stinking aerosols." Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to take things in hand can master it. Going into a bar on Saturday night isn't much different from attending an auction...the best merchandise usually leaves with the highest bidder. Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing her say she'll be tickled pink. He offered her a Round the World Cruise. Too late she learned, it was only a spin on his water bed. He took a shine to her stuff ... so she polished him off in a hurry. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Heading our current list of fanciful marital aids is an alum-based douche called Shrunken Treasure. Here's a question for all you old married men: If you had to do it all over, would you be able to get it up again. Houses of ill fame are reportedly now accepting a specialty credit card -- Master Discharge. How does one determine the sex of a chromosome? Take its genes off. Husband who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night. I've taken so many cold showers to fight temptation," the priest told the psychiatrist, "that every time it rains, I get an erection". Illogical as it may seem, the only women whom most men are reluctant to throw bone are the ones they consider real dogs. Inscription on hooker's tombstone: AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE. It might be a good idea to think twice before jumping in bed with a lady ventriloquist. Think about it: there she is; there you are; and just as you're zeroing on target, it laughs at you. It was in a crockery warehouse that two homosexual stock boys were arrested by the vice squad detective. One was giving the other his head on a platter. It was love at first sight between the handsome libertine and the appealing young prostitute. He swept her off her back! Kotex not best in world but next to it. Last summer, it was easy to spot the NOUVEAUX RICHES. They were the ones were watering their lawns with coffee. Long hair styles are confusing to animals. They're not used to seeing pony tails on jackasses. Make love in the shower. That way you can get your birthday suits cleaned and pressed. Making whoopee is like filleting a fish ... it's all in how you bone it. Males for sale do not call their joint homey names like House of Ill Repute. They dub it PHALLUS PALACE. Marilyn Chamber's picture is no longer on boxes--runs one explanation--because her box is now in pictures. Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but young enough to look forward to it. Misery is being called away from the orgy to take an obscene phone call. Much as I'd like to meet a guy who's a male ten," mused the girl, "I'd settle for one who's got a nine." Never underestimate the power of a woman. If you do, they'll call you names...like "husband" and "father"--but not necessarily in that order. No woman should be stuck in the kitchen. At least take her to the hall, where the carpet's cleaner. No wonder a repeat performance is called a SECOND HELPING. When a man goes for seconds, he needs all the help he can get. One conceivable defense against rape, says a resourceful young lady, is to beat off the attacker. Opportunity knocks but temptation rings the bell. Paratrooper and Greek lover, both know how to pack a chute. Passionate kiss like spider's web, leads to undoing of fly. Q - Why are camels called ships of the desert? A - Because they are filled with Arab semen. Sex is like housework. A woman can do a real good job, but it never stays done - and the better job she does, the more likely she is to do it again real soon. Sex is one of the few businesses in which a man doesn't mind starting at the top and working his way down. Sex is the ultimate peacemaker as it eventually softens all hard feelings. She was an international beauty of easy virtue and as she travelled all over Europe, she managed to make every second count. She was only the candy maker's daughter, but all the boys had caramel knowledge of her. Sign in a lingerie-shop window: SPECIAL BRAS FOR JOGGERS. YOUR BOUNCE CHECKED. Sign in massage-parlor window: LET OUR STAFF SATISFY YOURS! Sign spotted in a massage-parlor window: COME IN! WE KNEAD YOUR BUSINESS! Some girls are like car radiators. If you don't keep them full of alcohol, they freeze up on you. Speaking of suitability for the job ... we understand a TV station in Minneapolis just hired a frigid weatherwoman. Staying single is largely a matter of spacing. You have to make sure your dates don't want a mate, they just wanta mate. The average woman wants two things, less meat on her bones and more bone in her meat. The best way to get rid of bad vibes, insists a self-reliant girl we know, is to put in fresh batteries. The difference between being able to go on forever and feeling sure you'll never be able to go again is about ten minutes. The hole in a donut and the hole in a toilet seat are made of exactly the same material. However, you will not sell many donuts by advertising this fact. The honeymoon is over when he says, "You CAN'T start labor now--it's my bowling night!" The Jack in The Box is an educational toy. It teaches a kid that every time you play with it, it pops up. The next time we say 'Screw or walk!' to our double dates," groaned the fellow to his buddy, "we better have our own car." The record of Ben Franklin's sexual exploits leads inevitably to the conclusion that he didn't invent the lightning rod. He was born with one. Then there was the brave and horny shepherd boy who tried wolf. Those who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not very sanitary. Today's all-American boy eats both Mom's apple pie and the girl next door. Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone. We call some parts of our body "private", yet they're the ones we most enjoy saving. We suppose that a famous ballerina's protege-lover could be said to be under her tutelage. We would not number on our list of friends the creep who locks all the bathroom doors at a beer party. What's red and silly? A blood clot. When a gent finally gets to be the world's greatest lover, his success has been a long time coming. When a marriage starts to break up, the best thing to do is to start picking up the pieces -- a piece here and a piece there. When an Indian painted his face it meant war. When a woman does, she's out for peace. When Neanderthal man lumbered home from the hunt, he was less than fully erect, according to anthropologists. That figures, of course, considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was. When they get around to doing a nudie series on TV, we presume that the tryout episode will be referred to as a BUSH PILOT. Where cousins come from? Ant holes. Where will Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? In Diana, of course. While revenge may consist of seducing your enemy's wife, sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. Young lovers, shop around before you buy. Puppy love is often the prelude to a dog's life. A lady went to the butcher and asked him if he kept dripping. "Yes", he replied. "And it's very embarrassing." Word has reached us about a new chain of funeral parlors that have crematoriums right on the premises. They're calling them WAKE & BAKE. Perhaps you've heard of the Acapulco Hooker who gives such prodigious head that she's known as the gulp of Mexico. While revenge may consist of seducing your enemy's wife, sweet revenge is finding out that she's a lousy lay. A pilgrim returning from Lourdes tried to sneak an extra bottle of gin through customs, but was stopped by an official. "What's in that bottle?" he asked. "It's holy water from Lourdes." "Never, it smells more like gin." "That's incredible - another miracle. Q - What do you get when you cross a vagina with a silicon chip? A - A cunt that knows everything. Have you heard about the transvestite who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. Q - What do soybeans and vibrators have in common? A - They're both meat substitutes. A man rescured a genie from a bottle and was granted one wish as a reward. "I want to be rock-hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," the man said. So the genie turned him into a commode. Did you hear about the queer swallow? He flew backwards for a lark. A choir boy tied the bell rope around his penis. The vicar tolled him off. Heard of the Irish girl who bought a vibrator and broke off her front teeth. It's understandable why pimps don't go to night school. Who wants to crack the books when can book the cracks? The treasury Department really could have stirred up controversy about what female should be featured on a U.S. monetary unit by announcing that a new three-dollar bill would bear the likeness of Anita Bryant. We've been told there's a new Soviet morality play about a defector to the West who loses both his morality and his sanity. He takes to wearing and flaunting sexy panties day and night and keeps attempting to seduce elderly women. The title of this enthralling drama is "Lacenik and Old Arse". Sign on a partition of a Y.M.C.A. washroom stall: WATCH OUT FOR LIMBO DANCERS! Looking over ther rules and regulations for the Miss American Nymphomaniac Beauty Pageant, we noticed that the judges are permitted to enter as many times as they like. It's been called to our attention that if Count Dracula had been burned at the stake, the result would have been Transylvanian ghoul ash. Corrective historical footnote: John Marshall's promiscuous mistress was actually the first woman to sit on the Supreme Court. "You have a back problem that's fairly common among girls in your line of work, "the physician informed the prostitute. "Its known as curvature of the supine." Maybe you've heard about the girl who dates heavyweight politicians because she enjoys being under the influence. Do you know how to tell the clan of Scotsman? Lift up his kilt and if he's got two quarter-pounders, he's a McDonald. Why is artificial insemination so successful? There's no chance of a cock-up. Judges these days tend to forget they are appointed - not anointed. Q - What goes 'bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates please?' A - A bull in a china shop. The ideal gift for the girl who has everything: Penicillin. We have heard from one transvestite who has told us his way of having a happy Christmas. He simply likes to eat, dring and be Mary. Why do easy-going girls wear knickers? To keep their ankles warm. How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out. Q - What do you call a girl who can suck a golf ball through a six-foot piece of garden hose? A - Darling. A TV-talk-show guest was asked what she thought was the greater problem in today's society--ignorance or apathy?? She quickly responded: "I don't know and I don't care!" A rude young man slapped a woman's bottom in a busy street. As she turned around, he grinned broadly. "Ooops, sorry about that," he laughed, "I thought you were my mother." "Impossible," she replied, "I'm married." "And to think," murmured the rosy-glow-feeling adolescent to the girl with whom he had just scored, "that a few short years ago I thought happiness was a warm puppy". "Gos, Mr. Travis," the young thing said to her boss as they were leaving the motel in the wee, small hours, "tonight you did it in triplicate!" "I certainly hope," said a clear and firm young female voice in the jam-packed elevator, "that someone behind me is carrying a mini umbrella". "I found a good, stiff martini in a bar in Venice," announced the returned female tourist. "His first name was Paolo." "I was really primed for some tits and ass last night," the bumbling would-be Lotario reported with a groan, "but all I got in the fucking singles bar was twits and sass!" As was said of a dedicated prostitue who refused to be sidelined by a case of Rocky Mountain spotted fever, "She took a ticking, but she kept on licking." Considering all the martinis I quite foolishly overindulged in with my date at the Zeta Beta house party last weekend," the coed remarked ruefully, "I suppose you could say that I went and lost my olive." Did you hear about a California sperm bank's bumper sticker: WE'RE PULLING FOR YOU! Did you hear about the jet-setting fellatrice whose sex drive knows no climatic zones. She blows hot and cold. I wouldn't want to say that Babs down in accounting is promiscuous," the fellow commented to an office buddy, "but she's the only girl I've ever dated who had a condom-vending machine on the wall of her john." It's being rumored that the contry that has given the world leather goods by Gucci and fashions by Pucci may soon he producing feminine-hygiene products by--who else?--Ducci. Marketing experts maintain that manufacturers of those panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights too low. Two Volkswagens had their bumpers locked and the drivers were unsuccessfully trying to disengage them when a little old lady wino shuffled onto the scene. "Tell you what to do, boys," she cackled. "Throw a bucket of water on 'em!" "Business-lunch tax-deduction reforms are overdue," the secretary announced firmly to the company's grievance counselor. "When my boss returned to the office this afternoon, I was subjected to a three-martini lunge." "But your highness," the Fifth Avenue furrier explained patiently to the Near Eastern potentate, "We simply don't have access to THAT kind of sheared beaver." "Haven't you ever known what it is like to be at peace with your Maker?" asked the clergyman who was counseling the wayward girl. "Sure, Reverend," she answered. "Every once in a while, the guy and I take a nap afterward." "I eventually found out what my ranch-foreman husband really meant," sobbed the fairly recent bride, "when we told me that he'd love me till the cows came home". "I screwed this crazy broad doggy style so much over the weekend," boasted a cocksman, "that when I saw her on the street the next day, she was chasing motorcycles!" "I'm finished with Sylvia!" the Newfie exclaimed to his buddy. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual--and who wants to screw only twice a year?" "My new boyfriend is an absolute magician!" burbled the girl. "How so?" inquired her roommate. "When he waves his magic wand at me, all my inhibitions disappear." "That boss of yours must be a real prick," commiserated the fellow in response to his date's bitter complaints about the situation in her office. "Not really," said the girl, "He's such a phony that I prefer to classify him as a dildo." A far-out inventor has come up with a vibrating tampon. He figures that if women are going to feel miserable every month, they might as well enjoy it. And then there was the hooker who tried to escape during a vice raid by squeezing through a back-yard hedge...only to be caught by the fuzz! And then there was the rather homely one-night-stand girl name Dee. Her dates' collective motto seemed to be: Hump Dee, Dump Dee. Comment overheard in a gay bar: "I simply loathe his assholier-than-thou attitude!" Given a wash-and-wear revolution, a shrewd old Chinese landryman has converted his shop into a pay as-you-enter, fast-pop bordello. The first thing a client sees is a sign over the cash register that reads: NO TICKEE, NO QUICKIE. If a threesome sexual arrangement is a MENAGE A TROIS, then a foursome one might logically be a KUMQUAD. Instructions for making the quintessentially dry martini recently reached us from Palm Springs. The host puts ice and straight gin into glass ... and then adds vermouth to the living-room humidifier. It's rumored that Alcoholics Anonymous may sponsor a spin-off group to be called Cocksmen Confidential. The new organization would, of course, address itself to the problem of habitual drinking. It's widely believed that the balconies of skin-flick theaters are reserved for tier jerkers. Maybe you've heard about the sheepherder in a remote part of the West who was held captive in a UFO with an all-female crew. He was found by the police on the side of the road, muttering, "I've just had an unidentified flying fuck". Publishing sources report a brisk advance demand for a new book about guided-muscle development. It's titled PUMPING IRENE. Purchasers of a forthcoming book title TARZAN'S JUNGLE SECRETS will find that it describes a number of ways to get off an elephant. Scientific research has, at lon last, produced something to measure the degree of female sexual arousal. It's called clitmus paper. The Kraft Foods corporation denies that it plans to establish an Israeli subsidiary called Cheeses of Nazareth. Then there was the one about the whimsical masturbator who had an offbeat sense of humor. Venereal-disease authorities deny that runny Eskimo noses transmit a new strain of gonorrhea called polar ice clap. We refuse to believe that there's a gay live-sex-show act billed as Anus and Andy. We wonder if a member of Congress with a pair of horny secretaries could be accused of double-dipping. We've been told about a clergyman who just about broke up a wedding with a slip of the tongue when he said, "If anyone present knows just cause why this couple should not be joyfully loined together..." We've been told about one cool dude of a pimp who has so many girls on the street that he's up to his alligators in ass. Word has reached us about an innovative sperm bank that is packaging its product in special aerosol containers labeled HEIR SPRAY. You may have possibly have heard about the central European sodomist who like to backdate Czechs. You may possibly have heard about the new TV documentary on animal family planning in East Africa. It's called WILD CONDOM. For Men ------- Q - Why did god invent booze? A - So fat, ugly chicks could get laid too. Q - Why did god create women? A - Sheep can't cook. Q - How many men does it take to take out the garbage? A - NONE, it's a women's job! Q - Why did the woman cross the road? A - The man told her to. Q - Why did she come back? A - The man snapped his fingers. Q - What was the strange thing about all of this? A - She should never have been out of the kitchen. Q - Why Did God create Adam first? A - So he'd have a chance to talk before Eve came along. "I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay", replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious, she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep," countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?" Did you hear about the new home appliance? You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework. You know a woman is really macho when she kickstarts her vibrator, or rolls her own tampons. A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her drawers. Q - Why is a clitoris like Antarctica? A - Most men knows its there, but few men really care. Q - What's the definition of a perfect woman? A - A blind, def and dumb nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. Q - What did God say after Eve took her first bath in the lake??? A - Oh shit! Now I'll never get that smell off the fish! Wife who put husband in dog-house often find in cat house. Wife who slide down banister make monkey shine. Woman who die virgin sure to get laid in coffin. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack may be titbit. Woman who put rooster in freezer have frozen cock. Woman who spends much time on bedspring may have offspring. Girl should not marry basketball player. He dribbles before he shoots. Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sourpuss. Girl who marries detective must kiss dick. Girl who rides a bicycle peddles ass all over town. For Women --------- "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." A hard man is good to find. Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." Man and mouse alike. Both end up in pussy. Man who eat macaroni and meat balls, shit yo-yos. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding bag. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. Man who lays woman on ground get peace on earth. Man who loses key to girls apartment get no new key. Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man who pees in cash register finds it runs into money. Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman. Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things. Man with holes in pockets, feels cockey all day. Men may come and men may go, but a cast iron dildo is hard to top. Men who eat like a horse seldom are hung like one. 99 REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 8. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. 9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin or trying to screw your sister. 10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick. 18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. 22. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 23. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 24. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 25. A cucumber never suffers from personality anxiety. 26. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 27. You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket, and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 28. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 29. With a cucumber you can get a single room, and you don't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber". 30. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 31. You can go to the theater with a cucumber ... and see the movie. 32. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat. 33. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 34. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out for milk duds. 35. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival 36. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 37. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 38. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 39. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 40. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on. 41. Cucumbers aren't into rope, leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts. 42. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 43. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 44. Cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? 45. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor, or hair dresser. 46. A cucumber won't want to join your support group. 47. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 48. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 49. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 50. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 51. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 52. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 53. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. 54. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 55. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 56. A cucumber won't give it up for lent. 57. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. 58. A cucumber won't give you a hickey. 59. Afterward, cucumbers won't say "I'll call you a cab." and tell you he's not the marrying kind. 60. Cucumbers don't take you to confession. 61. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 62. A cucumber won't make you go to the drug store. 63. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 64. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away. 65. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 66. With a cucumber, you don't have to play florence nightingale during the flu season. 67. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 68. A cucumber won't eat all your food and drink all your liquor. 69. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 70. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. 71. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray. 72. Cucumbers won't leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub. 73. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 74. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 75. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 76. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 77. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman, for another man or for another cucumber. 78. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late" and then come home smelling like another woman. 79. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. 80. You always know where your cucumber has been. 81. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 82. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. 83. Cucumbers don't play the guitar or try to find themselves. 84. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on "r and r". 85. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. 86. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 87. A cucumber won't wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party. 88. You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your cucumber. 89. A cucumber won't leave town on new year's eve. 90. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit. 91. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 92. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family. 93. A cucumber won't ask to be put through med school. 94. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 95. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 96. A cucumber won't say "let's keep trying until we have a boy." 97. A cucumber won't insist on the little cuke being raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian. 98. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything. Teddy Bears are better than men because... 1. Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long. 2. Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers. 3. Teddy Bears always keep your secrets. 4. You can always buy a bigger teddy bear. 5. Teddy Bears never bore you to death with details of the games. 6. Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time. 7. Teddy Bears usually smell nice and are always soft and cuddly. 8. Teddy Bears hardly ever smoke and rarely even smell from tobacco. 9. Teddy Bears are perfectly willing to make long term commitments. 10. Teddy Bears make excellent traveling companions. 11. Teddy Bears sleep soundly without wriggling around, snoring, and hogging all the covers. 12. Teddy Bears are not often jealous of other teddy bears. 13. Teddy Bears never transmit nasty diseases. 14. Teddy Bears aren't only interested in sex. 15. Teddy Bears know when you've had a bad day. 16. Teddy Bears love to vacation at the spot you select. 17. Teddy Bears don't have to hide when your mother comes to visit. 18. Only once in a blue moon will a Teddy Bear break your heart. 19. Teddy Bears have little anxiety about their abilities in bed. 20. Teddy Bears like it when you wear flannel nightgowns. 21. Teddy Bears hardly ever complain about your bedtime makeup preparations. 22. Most Teddy Bears don´t hog the whole bed. 23. Teddy Bears never stand up their dates. 24. Teddy Bears are never on a business trip when you really need them. 25. Teddy Bears are happy to stay loyally in your bed when you are away. 26. Teddy Bears get on perfectly with your pets. 27. Teddy Bears always like your friends. 28. Teddy Bears don't have weird eating habits. 29. Teddy Bears invariably understand when you have a headache. 30. Teddy Bears almost never complain about your housekeeping. 31. Teddy Bears don't shock neighbors by their presence. 32. Teddy Bears are rarely too young or too old. 33. Teddy Bears don't require home cooked meals. 34. Teddy Bears never borrow your car. 35. Teddy Bears get on famously with all your relatives. 36. Teddy Bears would never make fun of your anxieties. 37. Teddy Bears aren't paranoid about catching your cold. 38. Teddy Bears don't care a bit what you spend your money on. 39. Teddy Bears are always ready to help you in an emergency. 40. Teddy Bears never have cold hands or scratchy toenails. 41. Teddy Bears can't possibly get you in trouble. 42. Teddy Bears don't get suddenly amorous in the middle of the night. 43. Teddy Bears love just as much the morning after. 44. Teddy Bears never leave your bathroom a wreck. 45. Teddy Bears don't mess up your apartment, and they generate only modest amounts of laundry. 46. Teddy Bears are the safest, cuddliest people in the whole wide world. Tasteless stories ----------------- Q - What's the difference between the Philadelphia Sixers and a group of Iraqui women? A - The basketball team takes a shower after four periods. Q - What is a Chinese hooker's favourtie soup? A - Cream of some young guy! Q - Why do they boil water when a baby's being born? A - So that if it's born dead, they can make soup. Q - How do you make a dead baby float? A - Add root beer and a scoop of ice cream. Q - How do you put a baby in a blender? A - Feet first, so you can watch the expression on his face. Q - What's brown and bubbly and taps on the window? A - A baby in a microwave. Q - How do you fit 500 babies in a shoebox? A - Cuisineart. Q - How do you get them out? A - With a straw. Q - What is red and white hangs from telephone wires? A - A dead baby that got thrown from a snow blower. Q - What is red and white and screams alot? A - A skinned baby in salt. Q - What is red and white and turns at 35.6 miles per hour? A - A baby in a blender. Q - What is red and sits in a corner. A - A baby with a razor blade. Q - What is green and sits in the corner? A - Same baby...two weeks later. Q - What is blue and sits in a corner? A - A baby playing with a baggie. Q - What's grosser than piling dead babies onto a cart with a pitchfork? A - Piling live babies onto a cart with a pitchfork. Q - What's red & black and crawls up a woman's leg? A - A homesick abortion. Famous people ------------- President Bush has devised a clever new plan for economic warfare in Iraq. The United States will open a savings & loan in Baghdad. In the year 2090, Bush and Gorbachev decide to peek down from heaven to see how things have changed in a hundred years. "It looks like your problems have become worse, George," smiled Gorbachev. "I see the dollar is still under pressure and the US economy is weaker than ever." "Things don't look so good for your reforms either," responded Bush. "I see there's trouble along the German-Chinese border." One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. Q - What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common? A - They're both stuck up cunts. Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. Q - Do you know why Nancy always gets on the top? A - Cause Ronnie always FUCK UP! I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was...an arctic wilderness. - Steve Martin I just finished reading Ronald Reagan's autobiography. It's amazing - he remembers things so clearly, it's as if they really happened. If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? Q - How did Helen Keller meet her husband? A - It was a blind date. Q - What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? A - She screamed her hands off. Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll? Wind it up and it walks into walls. Q - Why does Helen Keller mastrubate with one hand? A - So she can moan with the other. Q - Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff? A - You would too if your name was Ugggrrrggghhh. Q - Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? A - Her dog was blind, too. Q - How Does Helen Keller drive? A - With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road. Q - How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A - They leave the plunger in the toilet. Q - How did Helen Keller lose her right arm? A - Trying to read the speed limit sign while going down the northway at 60 mph. Q - How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? A - Answering the iron. Q - How did she burn the other side? A - The jerk called back. Stevie Wonder: - Where are the world, where are the children? Q - Do you know what color Dolly Parton's Shoes are? A - Neither does she! Q - What is Mountain Dew? A - The perspiration on Dolly Parton's breasts. Dolly Parton has vehemently denied having any plans to endorse a new line of bras for country girls called Hiccups. Q - What did the Southern governor say about Martin Luther King day? A - Shoot 4 more and we'll take the week off. Polish stories -------------- Q - How did they elect the current Pope? A - They took a Pole. Q - How can you tell a Polish coyote? A - He's the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the trap. A Polack has always been envious of a friend's ability to pick up girls at the beach. So one day, he asks how. The friend tells him "I just stick a potato in my swimsuit. The women go crazy for it." So the polack tries it. A few days later he sees his friend at the beach and has bad news. "That potato trick doesn't work at all. Women just go out of their way to avoid me these days." The friend says "well, wear the potato in front next time. Q - What do you call a pimple on a polack's ass? A - A brain tumor Q - What do you call this?..(puff out cheeks) A - Polish sperm bank. Q - What did the pollock do with his first 50 cent piece? A - Married her The polish definition of "Oral Contraception" in plain english is giving head. Q - What does a polish woman do after sucking cock. A - Spits out the feathers Q - What is a Polish Halloween Party? A - That is where you bob for french fries. Q - How does a Polock take a shower? A - Pee against the wind. Q - Why are there no polish pharmacies? A - They can't figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter! Once upon a time a polock, an american, and a german were going to be shot by a firing squad. When the american was about to be shot he shouted out "Tornado!". So the whole firing squad ran, and the american escaped. The next day the german was about to be shot when he yelled, "Tidalwave!" and he excaped. The next day the polock was going to be shot. The firing squad was all lined up and when they were about to shoot him he yelled, "Fire!" Q - How do you sink a polish battleship? A - You put it in the water. Q - Why did the newest polish submarine sink? A - They put on the wrong kind of screen doors! Q - What do you find in a pole's nose? A - Fingerprints. Q - How do you break a pole's finger? A - Hit him in the nose- Q - Why did 18 Polacks go to the movies? A - Because the sign said "No one under 17 admitted." Q - What do the numbers 1776 and 1492 have in common? A - They are adjoining rooms at the Warsaw Hilton. Q - What happened to the Polish National Library? A - Someone stole the book. Q - What is a Polish Pencil? A - A pencil with erasers on both ends. Q - Why did the stadium in warsaw get torn down? A - Everywhere you sit, you sit behind a pole. Q - How can you identify a polish cesspool? A - It's the one with the diving board. Q - What's a polish saturday night special? A - A bath. Q - Why did the polack jump off the empire state building? A - To show everybody that he had guts. A Pole and a Greek got maried. Their child was named Zorba the Dumbshit. Q - What do you call a pretty polish girl? A - Tourist. Q - How far can a Pollock swim? A - That depends... how far's the bottom? Q - How do you sink a Pollock ship? A - Put it in water Q - How do you sink a Pollock submarine? A - Launch the ship over it (two birds with one stone) Q - How do you shoot down a Pollock plane? A - Don't worry about it - they don't fly anyway. Being under pressure from civil rights groups, Nasa finally decided to let a polack fly into space in the shuttle. His only crewmate was a chimpanzee who was trained to do special tasks during the mission. As the shuttle went into orbit a red light came on, and the chimp turned on the on-board tape recorder. The tape told the chimpanzee to ignite the orbital engines to reduce velocity to 18000 mph. The chimp did that. Five minutes later, the red light came back on, and the instructions on the tape told the chimp to go into an orbit which would allow the shuttle to rendezvous with a lost insat sattelite. The chimp did that. Finally, the green light came on, and the polack waited for his first instructions. He turned on the tape. "Feed the monkey" it said. One day, a polack and his friends were watching a football game. The polack said "I'll bet anyone $10 that the quarterback will make a touchdown on this play!" One of his freinds accepted. So the play started and the quarterback ran all the way to the 1 yard line and got tackled. The polack lost his $10, so he said "I'll bet anyone $10 that he'll make it on the replay!" A few years ago the Polacks and the Texas Aggies were playing football. At the end of the first quarter, the gun sounded and the Polacks ran off the field thinking it was halftime. Four plays later the Aggies scored a field goal. Q - Why is it illegal to kill flies in Poland? A - Because that's the national bird. Q - What is the ultimate punishment for a polock school boy? A - When the teacher tells him to go stand in the round room and pee in the corner. Q - Why don't polish people eat pickles? A - Because their heads'll get stuck in the jar! There were these three guys...a mexican a black guy, and pollock. While living in Mexico, they got caught selling drugs. In mexico, the penalty for this is a hanging in a tree that overlooks the Rio Grande. This way, all they do is cut the rope, and the bodies go floating down to the ocean. Anyway, when the mexican got put up in the tree, the knot came off, and he fell into the Rio Grande... free. The black dude got up there and he was so dirty and greasy and he slipped through the noose. After he fell, he swam his way to freedom. The pollock guy stood up and said... Hey guys... you better tie the rope better for me, cause I can't swim! Q - Did you know there is a polish mafia? A - Just last week they found two guys with their heads tied together and shot through the hands. Q - What did the pollack do with his first 50 cent piece? A - He married her. Q - Why do polish neighborhoods have a low suicide rate? A - It's hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement window. The very next day the american, the frenchman and the polock were going through the woods in search of a place to hide from the firing squad. As they were moving through the forest they heard sounds of the approaching search party and the decided to take to the trees to hide. The american climbed up a tree and the frenchman and the polock kept on going. A little further down the road the frenchman climbed up a tree and the polock went on. A little further down the road the polock climbed up a tree. As the search party walked under the tree broke. The search party looked around and the american started whistling. The search party decided that it must just be a bird so they went on. As the party moved under the tree where the frenchman was hiding the frenchman slipped and broke a small branch. As the search party looked around they frenchman went who-who-. The search party said it must be an owl. As the party moved under the polock he slipped and broke a large branch. As the search party started to look around the polock panicked and said in a very loud voice moo...moo... Q - Why is semen white and pee yellow? A - So polish men know if they are coming or going. Q - What happened when they nuked Warsaw? A - It did $2.99 worth of damage. Q - How are polish children taught to put on their underwear? A - Brown in the back, yellow up front. Q - Why did the polish guy stuff carpeting in his shorts? A - So he could have ball-to-ball carpeting. Q - Did you hear about the lazy polack? A - He married a pregnant woman. Q - Why are there no rectal thermometers in Poland? A - They cause too much brain damage. Q - How do polacks count? A - 1,2,3,another,another,another... Q - Why did the polish elevator operator lose his job? A - He forgot the route. Q - Did you hear about the Polish prostitue who didn't vote? A - She didn't care who got in! Q - What did the Polish prostitue give her daughter for her birthday? A - Everything west of Broadway! Did you hear about the Polack who thought the Bermuda Triangle was a love afair in Florida? Q - Do Polish Teachers have ESP? A - Yes, Extra Simple Pupils! Did you hear about the Polack who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? Q - How do you know when a polish woman lets a fart? A - Her pantyhose swell up. Did you hear about the polock who thought that a pitcher of margaritas was spanish pornography! Q - Did you hear that the polish people are tired of all these jokes? A - They are marching on Washington. Last I heard they were three miles outside of Seattle. Q - Did you hear that half of Poland moved to Italy? A - They raised the IQ of both countries ! Q - Did you hear that the Polish goverment bought a thounsand septic tanks? A - As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia. One day, a polish man was nude sunbathing on his roof. He got a bad sunburn all over! That night, his girlfriend came over. And while they were fucking, his dick started to hurt. Well, since milk is good for sunburn, he poured a glass and stuck his dick in it. A few minutes later, his girlfriend walked out, saw him, and said, "I always wondered how you guys loaded thoses things!" Q - Did you hear about the polish guy who broke his neck raking leaves? A - He fell out of the tree. Q - Did you hear about the polish guy who died drinking milk? A - The cow fell on him! there were three guys on this island: a polish, an american, and a german. One day a bottle washed up on shore, and out popped a genie. He said I will now grant you each a wish. The american wished to be back fucking his wife. The german said yeah. That sounds good. I want the same. Poof they were gone. You are the last said the genie, what do you want? "Well, I am kind of lonely I wish the other guys were back here." Q - Did you here about the new improved polish parachutes? A - They open on impact. Q - Why did the polish jet liner crash? A - It ran out of coal. Q - Did you hear about the polish who wanted to be a stud? A - He strapped himself to a snowtire. Q - How do you know when a polish woman is having a period? A - She's only wearing 1 sock. Q - Why don't polish ever drink kool-aid? A - Because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water in that little package! Did you hear about the polish streaker who forgot to take off his clothes? A Pollock dove into a swimming pool. Climbed out and said, "I'll be sure glad when its Friday." He dove in, as he climbed out he said again, "I'll be sure glad when its Friday." The second Pollock sitting by the pool said, "What's so special about Friday?" The Pollock said: "That's when they put the water in the pool." Q - Why do poles make such lousy lovers? A - They always wait for the swelling to go down! Q - Did you hear about the polock who locked his keys in his car? A - It took two hours for him to get it open. He had to get inside to put the top up. Q - What is the easiest job in Poland? A - Intelligence officer in the Polish army. Q - What is the most dangerous job in Poland? A - Riding shotgun on a garbage truck. Q - What is the smallest room in the world? A - The Polish Hall of Fame. Q - In what section of the paper do they print Polish obituraries? A - Under Civic Improvement. Q - What do they call two Polocks in a bathtub? A - A double-ring ceremony. Q - Why does a Polock wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap? A - So that he will know which end to wipe. Q - What is a Polish Luau? A - Six Polocks with straws sitting around a cesspool.. Q - How can you tell a Polock from an APE? A - The ape peels the banana before eating it. Q - What do you call a Polish paratrooper? A - Instant air pollution. Q - What did Hitler tell the German Army before they marched into Poland? A - Don't shit in the streets, we are trying to starve them... Q - What do you call a pollock with a $10,000 hat? A - The pope Nigger stories -------------- Q - What do you call a black boy with a bike? A - Thief. Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by five blacks? A - Coach. Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by ten blacks? A - Quarterback. Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by three hundred blacks? A - Warden. Two little black girls were walking down a back street in southern Alabama when they came across an old black woman sitting on her front porch eating a watermelon, her feet propped on the railing. "That woman ain't got no underwear on'" pointed out one of the girls to her friend. "Does that keep it any cooler?" she shouted up to the porch. "I don't know, child," answered the old woman, "but it sure keeps the flies offa my watermelon." Q - What does the Klu Klux Klan call ten white guys beating on a black man? A - A fair fight. A farmer in the Deep South was out looking over his tobacco fields when a bus full of blacks rounded a corner on the country road too fast and rolled over on its side. Losing no time, the farmer ran back to the barn for his pick and shovel, and proceeded to start burying the bus. Just as he was finishing up the job, a state police cruiser arrived at the scene. "Say, didn't a bus fulla black folks just go off the road around here?" "Yep," replied the farmer. "Well, where'd they get to?" "I buried 'em" was the answer. "Gee," said the trooper, "were they all dead?" The farmer looked straight at the trooper and said, "Well, some of 'em said they weren't, but you know how them niggers lie." Q - Why do black people call white people "honkies"? A - That's the last noise they hear before the white people run them over. Q - How was break-dancing invented? A - By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars. Q - What does the neon sign above Honest Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic say? A - YOU RAPE 'EM. WE SCRAPE 'EM. Souther politician: "I have nothing against blacks; I think everyone should own one." Q - Why don't white men get black kids? A - They let the light in during the act. Q - What do you call 100,000 black men buried up to their necks in the dirt? A - Afro turf. BLONDE STORIES -------------- Q - What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A - Gifted! Q - How do blonde braincells die? A - Alone. Q - What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A - Pregnant. Q - How do you brainwash a blonde? A - Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q - What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A - Artificial intelligence. Q - How does a blonde part their hair? A1 - (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2 - By doing the splits. Q - Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A - Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q - What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A - Nothing. They've never met. Q - Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A - Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q - When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A - After a dye job. Q - Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q - Why do blondes wear their hair up? A - To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q - Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A - You can park in the handicap zone. Q - What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A - An IN-body experience! Q - Why is a blonde like a turtle? A - They both get fucked up when they're on their back. Q - What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A - Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. Q - What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A - Humpme Dumpme. Q - How do you make a blonde's eye light up? A - Shine a flashlight in her ear. Q - How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A - Shine a torch in her ears. Q - Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A - It takes too long to retrain them. Q1 - How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A1 - There's white-out on the screen. Q2 - How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A2 - There's writing on the white-out. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A - You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q - What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A - You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q - What did the blonde think of the new computer? A - She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. Q - Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A - (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q - How do you kill a blonde? A - Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q - How do blondes pierce their ears? A - They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q - Why don't blondes eat Jello? A - They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q - What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A - All you can eat, under a buck. Q - Why don't blondes eat pickles? A - Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q - Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1 - They can't find the zipper. A2 - They cant find the pull tab. Q - Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A - They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q - Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A - To put their feet through. Q - What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A - Her ankles. Q - Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A - Because red means stop. Q - Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A - Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Q - How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A - By the lipstick on your cucumbers. Q - Why don't blondes like vibrators? A - They always end up chipping their teeth! Q - Why do blondes wear underwear? A - They make good ankle warmers. Q - What do blondes do for foreplay? A - Remove their underwear. Q - Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A - Cause their balls show! Q - What's the mating call of the blonde? A - "I'm sooo drunk!" Q - What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A - (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q - How did the blonde die ice fishing? A - She was run over by the zambonis machine. Q - What's a brunette's mating call? A1 - Has that blonde gone yet? A2 - When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3 - "All the blondes have gone home!" Q - Why do blondes drive BMWs? A - Because they can spell it. Q - Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A - Because they can spell it. Q - What is 74 to a blonde? A - 69 plus G.S.T. Q - Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A - Toes Go In First. Q - Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A - Tits Go In Front. Q - What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A - An interpreter. Q - What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A - A mental block. Q - How do you change a blonde's mind? A1 - Blow in her ear. A2 - Buy her another beer. Q - What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A - "Have another beer." Q - What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A - Pack their lunch and send them to work. Q - What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1 - Introduces themself. A2 - Walks home. Q - How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A - Fertilized. Q - How does a blonde like her eggs? A - Unfertilized. Q - What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A - Opens the car door. Q - How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A - Kick open the car door. Q - Why do blondes like tilt steering? A - More head room. Q - Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A - More leg room. Q - What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A - Bucket seats. Q - What do blondes say after sex? A1 - "Thanks, Guys!" A2 - "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3 - Do you guys all play for the ? A4 - Who were all those guys? Q - Why is a blonde like a door knob? A - Because everybody gets a turn. Q - Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A - Because she's been laid all over the country. Q - What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A - Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q - Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A - Who cares? Q - Why do blondes have orgasms? A - So they know when to stop having sex! Q - How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1 - She drops her nail-file! A2 - Who cares? A3 - She says, "Next". A4 - The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5 - He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6 - I mean, who really cares? A7 - The batteries have run out. Q - What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A - "Thanks for the refill!" Q - What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A - Data transfer. Q - Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings? A - So the crabs can go bungee-jumping. Q - How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A - She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q - What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? A - "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Q - Why do blondes have more fun? A1 - Because they don't know any better. A2 - They are easier to keep amused. Q - How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1 - "What's a lightbulb?" A2 - One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3 - Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q - What's a blonde's favourite wine? A - "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" Q - What do you call a basement full of blondes? A - A wine cellar. Q - Why are there no dumb brunettes? A - Peroxide. Q - Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A - They're doing research on black holes. Q - What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1 - They both have a black box. A2 - Both have a cockpit. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A - Not everyone has been in a 747. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A - Not everybody has been in a limo. Q - What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A - Gee, Are you sure it's mine? Q - What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A - "Are you sure it's mine?" Q - What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A - A wind tunnel. Q - What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A - A dope ring. Q - Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1 - The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2 - None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Q - Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A - To see what was on the other side. Q - What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A - Pull the pin and throw it back. Q - Why do blondes take the pill? A - So they know what day of the week it is. Q - Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A - Because it kept falling out. Q - Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A - Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q - If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A - The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q - What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A - Her IQ goes up! Q - What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A - A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. Q - Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A - You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A - You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. Q - What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A - Butter is difficult to spread. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1 - You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2 - You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3 - There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4 - You don't eat your bowling ball Q - What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A - Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A - They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q - What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A - Bigfoot has been spotted. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A - It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A - The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A - The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. Q - Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A - Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. Q - What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A - They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q - What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A - The more you bang it, the looser it gets. Q - What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A - They're both empty from the neck up. Q - What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A - They both wriggle when you eat them. Q - Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A - So she could lip read. Q - What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A - They both have black roots. Q - What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A - Sweet Fuck All... Q - How do you drown a blonde? A1 - Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2 - Don't tell her to swallow. A3 - Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q - Why did the blonde drown in the pool? A - Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q - Why do blondes have square boobs? A - Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Q - How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1 - 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2 - Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. A3 - Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms. Q - How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A - The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. Q - What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A - If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Q - What's the blonde's cheer? A - " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q - What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A - Change. Q - How does a blonde moonwalk? A - She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Q - Why do blondes find it difficult to marry? A - Because you don't have to marry them for sex! Q - What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A - Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. Q - Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A - Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Q - How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A - She threw it off a cliff. Q - How does a blonde try to kill a fish? A - She drowns it. Q - Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A - Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q - What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A - "Nice tits!" Q - How does a blonde high-5? A - She smacks herself in the forehead. Q - How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A - Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q - Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A - Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. Q - Why do blondes have legs? A1 - So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2 - To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3 - So they don't leave trails, like little snails. Q - Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A - It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television. Q - What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1 - The blonde! A2 - The other guys waiting their turn. Q - How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A - Flattered. Q - Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A - They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". Q - What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? A - "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." Q - What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A - Frosted Flakes. Q - What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A - Frosted Flakes. Q - How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A - A 69 interrupted by a period. Q - What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A - You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q - What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A - "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q - Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1 - So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. A2 - So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. Q - Why don't blondes breast feed? A - Because they always burn their nipples. Q - Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A - She kept having affairs with men! Q - Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A - To cover up the valve stem. Q - What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A - Spot. Q - What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A - A Space Invader. Q - What's a blondes' favourite rock group? A - Air Supply. Q - What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A - The back of her head. Q - Why do blondes drive VW's? A - Because they can't spell PORSCHE! Q - How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A - Tell them a joke on Friday night! Q - Why did God create blondes? A - Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q - Why did God create brunettes? A - Neither could the blondes. Q - What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A - Branch Manager. Q - How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A - She fell out of the tree. Q - Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1 - So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2 - So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. Q - Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A - A blonde electrician. Q - Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1 - So brunettes can remember them. A2 - Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. A3 - So men can understand them. Q - Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? A - She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! Q - What do you call a smart blonde? A1 - A golden retriever. A2 - A labrador. A3 - An indicator of a really bad hangover. Q - Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A - Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q - Why do blondes have periods? A - They deserve them. Q - Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A - Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q - Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A - She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q - What did the blonde do when she got her period? A - Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? Q - Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A - She liked to be filled with cream. Q - What did the blonde say to the physicist? A - "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" Q - Why are blondes like cornflakes? A - Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q - How does a blonde hold her liquor? A - By the ears. Q - How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A - You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q - How do you drive a blonde crazy? A - Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. Q - What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A - Proofreading. Q - Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A - For throwing out the W's. Q - Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A - She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. Q - What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A - Last year's hide and seek champ. Q - How do you get a blonde pregnant? A - Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Q - What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A - One's a bunch a cunning runts. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal? A - One's a busy ditch. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A - A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A - In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A - The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A - Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A - You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. Q - What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A - The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q - How do you get a blonde to marry you? A - Tell her she's pregnant. Q - What will she ask you? A - "Is it mine?" Q - What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A - An air bag. Q - Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A - Cause she blows the horn! Q - What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A - It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. Q - Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A - To turn the blinker off. Q - What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A - A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q - What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....? A - A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. Q - Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A - So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q - Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A - They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q - How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A - By the buckle print on her forehead. Q - How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A - He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q - What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A - She can't say "No". Q - What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A - Retardo. Q - What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A - A visitor. Q - Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A - So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q - How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A - A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q - Why can't blondes put in lightbulbs? A - They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q - What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A - Perri-air. Q - Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A - Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q - Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A - She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. Q - When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A - When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! Q - What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A - The Air Pump! Q - How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A - Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q - Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A - Because she got an F in sex. Q - What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A - Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q - Why did the blonde cross the road? A1 - Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2 - Don't know? Neither did she. Q - Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A - She missed. Q - Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? A - It finally dawned on her. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh well!" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Oh, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. Three blondes are attempting to change a lightbulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a lightbulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was... There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here And starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down And said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks And says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook." Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly." A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her." ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" Q - How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day? A - She has a tampon tucked under her year, and she can't find her pencil. Q - Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A - The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q - What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A - An air bag. Q - Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A - It's too hard to re-train them. Q - What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A - Their heels. Q - Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A - They don't know the route. Q - Why do blondes work seven days a week? A - So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A - It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q - What is foreplay for a blonde? A - Thirty minutes of begging. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A - Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q - What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1 - You need a quarter to use the phone. A2 - Only one person can use the phone at once. Q - What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A - They've both swallowed a lot of semen. Q - What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A - "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q - How does a blonde commit suicide? A - She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q - How do you plant dope? A - Bury a blonde. Q - Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A - Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q - How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A - Wave to her. Q - How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A - With a tire gauge! (da da dum) Q - How does a blonde get pregnant? A - And I thought blondes were dumb! Q - What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A - A know-it-all bitch. Q - What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A - One's a phony buck. Q - What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A - A magician has a cunning array of stunts. Q - What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A - One that never misses a period. Q - What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A - An Italian suppository. Q - Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A - Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. Q - What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? A - Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. Q - What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1 - I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2 - Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. Q - Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A - She was having sunny periods. Q - What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A - Her feet! Q - How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A - When she farts, her knees bag. Q - What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A - Marriage. Q - How is a blonde like a frying pan? A - You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q - How do you describe the perfect blonde? A - 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q - How do you confuse a blonde? A - You don't. They're born that way. Q - How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down? A - Marry her. Q - How did the blonde die drinking milk? A - The cow fell on her. Q - How did the blonde burn her nose? A - Bobbing for french fries. Q - How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A - She has a checkbook. Q - How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A - There is a stamp on it. Q - How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A - She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. Q - What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A - Lipstick. Q - Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A - So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q - Why do men like blonde jokes?? A - Because they can understand them. Q - Why do blondes like lightning? A - They think someone is taking their picture. Q - Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A - Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! Q - Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A - From eating with forks. Q - Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A - From dating blonde men. Q - Why do blondes wear tampons? A - Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. Q - But why do brunettes take the pill? A - Wishful Thinking. Q - Why don't blondes double recipes? A - The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Q - Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A - They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q - Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1 - They can't remember the number. A2 - She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q - What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A - A brunette with bad breath. Q - What does a blonde make best for dinner? A - Reservations. Q - What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A - They pull up their pants. Q - What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A - Air bubbles. Q - What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A - 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks! Q - What do you call a blonde lesbian? A - A waste. Q - What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A - An air mattress. Q - What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A - Divorcee' Q - What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A - Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. Q - What does a blonde owl say? A - What, what? Q - What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A - A brain tumor. Q - What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A - Two brunettes. Q - What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common? A - They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. Q2 - What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? A - He knows who the ten men were. Q - Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A - To see what was on the other side. Q - Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A - Too many blondes were drowning. Q - Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq? A - They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water. Q - Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A - From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q - Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A - In case she locks the keys in her car. Q - Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A - So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q - Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A - Because she loved children. Q - If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A - The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q - To a blonde, what is long and hard? A - Grade 4. Q - What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A - Third Grade. Q - What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A - A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. Q - What is the definition of gross ignorance? A - 144 blondes. Q - Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A - Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q - Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A - They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q - What is the definition of the perfect woman? A - A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. Q - Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A - They both drip when they're fucked. Q - How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A - Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! Q - Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A - It swells at night. Q - A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A - The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" Q - A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A - "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q - What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A - Locking the car door. Q - Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A - Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. Q - What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A - She moved. Q - What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A - A blonde parade. Q - Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A - They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. Q - Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A - She burned her lips on the tailpipe. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. Did you hear about the blonde who: 1 had more on her body than on her mind? 2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? 3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice? 4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? 5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? 6 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? 7 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? 8 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? 8 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? 10 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? 11 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby concieved ?" "He was on top ", she replyed. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin! Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up. At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!" This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display And tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." Another blonde in the porno shop: She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much Are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, herealizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." Blonde Medical Terminology: Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coathook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favouring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumour -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited Q - Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A - Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q - How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? A - Blow in her ear. Q - Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A - To keep her ankles warm. Q - How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A - Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. Q - What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A - Way to go team! Q - How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A - By the chipped tooth. Q - How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A - A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q - Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A - To keep from bruising their ears. Q - Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F? A - Tits go in first. Q - Why do blondes have vaginas? A - So guys will talk to them at parties. Q - What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle? A - Rebel without a clue. Q - What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A - Full. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) Q - Why don't blondes breastfeed their babies? A - It hurts too much when they boil their nipples. Q - What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A - "No, I just lie there." Q - What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A - "Thanks, guys..." Q - What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A - Air pockets. Q - Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A - They're too hard to peel. Q - What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends? A - Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. Q - What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A - "Space. The final frontier......" Q - How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A - Just One... Boomer Esiason. Q - What's brown and red and black and blue? A - A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. Q - What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A - You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. Q - Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A - So she could keep the refriderator cold. Q - How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A - She fell out of the tree. Q - What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A - A thought. Q - How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A - One. Q - Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A - She didn't know what ONE came first... Q - Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1 - Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2 - Their mothers told them not with there mouths full. Q - What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A - Divorced. Q - What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A - Divorced. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" 1 - What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? 2 - Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. 1 - Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. Q - How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A - Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! Q - How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A - You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. Q - How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A - Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!" Q - What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections? A - A wine and cheese party! Q - Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence ? A - She wasn't used to the front seat! Q - What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A - "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) Q - What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A - She picks up her purse and goes home. Q - Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A - The vegetable garden. Q - How many blondes does it take to play tag? A - One. Q - What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road? A - One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . . Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? Q - Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A - She liked kids... Q - What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A - Far-from-thinkin Q - Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A - Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q - What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A - She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q - Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A - Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List. Q - Why do blondes wear woolen panties? A - So they can keep their ankles warm! Q - Who knows what a blonde looks like, naked? A - Everybody! Q - What is the definition of a Red Head? A - A blonde with brains! Q - How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A - 12. 1 to make the batter, and 11 to peel the M&M's. Q - What does a blonde do when she wakes up? A - She goes home! Q - After an Anacin poll in New York with blondes, how many of them preferred staying with Anacin? A - 10% said "Yes", while the other 90% couldn't get the cap off! Q - Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid? A - They can't fit all that water in that tiny packet! Q - What do blondes and a bottle of beer have in common? A - They're both empty from the neck up. Q - What do blondes and computers have in common? A - You don't appreciate them until they go down on you. Q - What do blondes say after sex? A - "Are all you guys on the same team?" Q - What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common? A - You always hear about them, but you never see one. Q - If a blonde and a brunette were to jump out of a plane, which would land first? A - The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions! A blonde girl went into a department store and bought herself a picture puzzle. She takes it home and starts working on it. After toiling over this puzzle for months, she finaly nears completion. Six months after, she completes it. "Yeah!" she screams, for all in her neighborhood to hear, "I have done it!" Eager to show off her accomplishment, she calls up the guys at the Guiness Book of World Records and explains to them what she has done. Unimpressed, the fellow at the other end of the phone says, "So?" "So? So?" she says, "That is all you have to say? I finished it in six months, and it says 3 years and above on the side of the box!" Three blondes are walking down a beach, when they stumble across an old bottle. One of them picks it up and a genie appears. The genie says, "I will grant each one of you a wish". The first blonde thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be twice as smart as I am." The genie snaps his fingers, and she gets her wish. The second one says, "Ya, I want to be 10 times smarter than I am," to which the genie snaps his fingers, and she gets her wish. The third blonde, not wanting to be out done says, "I want to be 100 times smarter than I am!" Again, the genie snaps his fingers, and turns her into a man. All Children stories. --------------------- All children ate the potions except Bud, he refused to eat mud. All children threw except Bart, because he was the main target in dart. All children swum except Kim, because she couldn't with tied hands swim. LightBulb --------- Q - How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - ONLY ONE, DAMNIT! Q - How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 3. 1 to screw it in, 1 to lecture on how the lightbulb is being oppressed, and 1 to secretly wish she were the lightbulb. Q - How many woman libbers' does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 4- one to change it and 3 to write a book on it. Q - How many frat girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Doesn't really matter- frat girls will screw anything..... Q - How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of lightbulbs! Q - How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Both of them. Q - How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q - How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Billions and billions. Q - How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q - How many strong does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q - How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q - How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q - How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q - What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A - You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q - How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q - How many professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it. Q - How many IBM types does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks". Q - How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!" Q - How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q - How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q - How many Unix hacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A - As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q - How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 0. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q - How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? A - That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q - How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q - How many "Real Men" does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. Q - How many "Real Women" does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q - How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q - How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q - How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q - How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q - How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - One, but it takes at least three lightbulbs. Q - How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old lightbulb was. Q - How many supply-siders does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. The darkness will cause the lightbulb to change by itself. Q - How many does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q - How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. That's a hardware problem. Q - How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - You should have hit "n"! Q - How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q - How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q - How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. Q - How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q - How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned- out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q - How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q - How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Q - How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q - How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? A - I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q - How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q - How many technical writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q - How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take? A - Many hands make light work. Q - How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q - How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Three. One to Screw it in, one to write a book about how the lightblub abused the socket, and one to wish she was the socket. Q - How many Longshoremen does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Twenty-three. You got a problem with that? Q - How many college football jocks does it take to change a lightbulb? A - I don't know but they get three credits for it. Q - How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - NONE OF YER BUSINESS!!! Q - How many IdIdahoans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Who cares. Q - How many comp sci's does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None, that is a hardware problem. Q - How many systems programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None--you'll never find one who'll admit it went down in the first place. Q - How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Just one, to heal the old lightbulb. Q - How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - TWO: one to change the lightbulb, and one to proclaim that life began at the screwing. Q - How many Sorrority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - One. A sorrority girl will screw anywhere. Q - How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two...one to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one. Q - How many Southern-Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Five...one to change it and four to share the experience. Q - How many southerners does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Five...one to change it and four to talk about how good the old one was. Q - How many women's libbers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Four...one to change it and three to write books on it Q - How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two...just drop them in and they go right at it. Q - How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Into what? Q - How many socialists does it take to screw in a proletarian lightbulb? A - None. A proletarian lightbulb already contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q - How many tribbles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two...that is all that will fit. Q - How many Chico State engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Avg. Engineer = 130 pounds Avg. Engineer can lift 1/2 body weight over his head 130/2=65 Pounds Avg. lightbulb = 4 oz. = .25 Pounds (1 Eng/65 pounds) * (.25 pounds) = 0.0038 engineers to change a bulb. Q - How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 21...one to change the bulb and 20 to shoot down the electrician. Q - How many Postal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Just one, but every time he does it the rates go up. Q - How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Eleven. One who holds the lightbulb and ten who drinks until the room spins. Q - How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q - How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q - How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q - How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q - How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None. That's a hardware problem. Q - How many Unix hacks des it take to change a lightbulb? A - As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q - How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? A - That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q - How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q - How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None! 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. Q - How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None! A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q - How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). Q - How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q - How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Californians don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in hot tubes. Q - How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None! The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q - How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q - How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q - How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three, but they're really only one. Q - How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - One, but it takes at least three lightbulbs. Q - How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Thats not funny!!! Variation: Q - How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A - It's "Women" and it's not funny! Q - How many supply-siders does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None! The darkness will cause the lightbulb to change by itself. Q - How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q - How many valley girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q - How many data base people does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three: One to write the lightbulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a lightbulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the lightbulb at the same time. Q - How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Both of them. Q - How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four: One to change the bulb. Q - How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Billions and billions. Q - How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old lightbulb was. Q - How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q - How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of lightbulbs! Q - How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q - How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q - How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Just one but the lightbulb has gotta really WANT to change. Q - How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q - How many IBM types does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q - How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a lightbulb? A - None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q - How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q - How many professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q - How many ethnics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q - How many strong ethnics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q - How many ethnic gods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q - How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?? A - Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q - How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None. It turned itself in. Q - How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q - How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - How many can you afford? Q - How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A - The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q - How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q - How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good lightbulb joke of 1984. Q - How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A - The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q - How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q - How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - You should have hit "n"! Q - How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - One third less than for a regular bulb. Q - How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q - How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q - How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? A - As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Q - How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q - How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A - 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q - How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q - How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q - How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A - 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q - How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?. A - 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him. Q - How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high- wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to United States. Q - How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A - Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q - How many Romulans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. Q - How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a lightbulb? A - Many hands make light work. Q - How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q - How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q - How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A - 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! Q - How many sorority members does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q - How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q - How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 Q - How many board meetings does it take to get a lightbulb changed? A - This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Q - How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the lightbulbs. Jews ---- An elderly man walked into the church and took a seat in a confessional. "Father," he said, "I am making love twice a day to an eighteen-year-old girl." "Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied "Why are you telling me?" The elderly man answered "I'm telling everyone!" Q - How do you say "fuck you" in Jewish? A - Trust me. Q - How was copper wire invented? A - Two Jews found the same penny. Q - How do you cure a JAP (Jewish American Princess) of nymphomania? A - Marry her Q - What does a JAP make for dinner? A - Reservations. Q - How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm? A - She drops her nail file. Q - Why do Jewish people have such big noses? A - Because air is free! Q - Why were the Jews wandering around the desert for hundreds of years? A - Someone dropped a penny. Q - Why are they taking seatbelts out of Cadillacs? A - Because velcro on the celing works much better. There were two Jewish men, Jake and Irving. One day they got into a discussion and Jake said to his friend, "I wonder if there is baseball in heaven." Irving said, "I wonder, myself." Jake said, "Well, I'll tell you what, let's make an agreement right now that whoever dies first will come back and tell the other if there is or is not baseball up there. They both agreed and not long afterwards, Irving passed away. It was one day, soon afterwards, Jake was walking down the street and felt something tugging at his shoulder. He looked around and said, "Oyving, that you?" "Yes" was the reply. "Well, did you find out if there is baseball in heaven?" "Well, Jake, I have good news for you and bad news for you - the good news is that there is baseball in heaven - as a matter of fact, they play it everyday. The bad news is, you're pitching on Thursday." Q - What is a Jewish woman's biggest worry after having a cholestomy? A - Finding a pair of shoes to match the bag. Q - What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A - A canoe tips! Q - What's a Jewish dilemma ? A - Free ham. Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? Seats 500. Q - If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A - A fur coat. Q - What's Jewish foreplay? A - Two hours of begging. Handicaped ---------- Q - Why do handicaped people mastrubate with just one hand? A - They moan with the other one! Fellow goes in to buy a suit, and the salesman sells him a checkered seersucker that had been there over five years. Later the manager asks, "Didn't the guy give you any trouble over that suit? You know fifteen people haven't been able to sell it." Salesman says, "Naw, he was like a lamb. But his seeing eye dog sure gave me a fight." Jokes ----- Q - When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys? A - With a crowbar. Q - What are the five biggest lies? A - 1 The check is in the mail. 2 Some of my best friends are Jewish. 3 Black is beautiful. 4 I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. 5 I won't come in your mouth. Q - Why don't the British build computers? A - Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil! Q- What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer? S - A system that won't go down. Q - What's red and has seven little dents? A - Snowwhite's cherry! Q - What is the difference between chicken and meat? A - If you beat your chicken it would die. This is Radio Tel Aviv, 1400 on your radio dial, ...but for you, 1398." Q - Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert?" A - It's full of Arab semen. Q - What did Pinocchio say to the old carpenter? A - Quit bitching about your crabs, I've got termites! Q - What do you call a doctor that does abortions on blacks and mexicans? A - A crime-stopper. A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun. A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. God must love assholes - He made so many of them. The computer is the ultimate polluter: It's shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1. Use an electric sander. 2. Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 3. Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Q - What can you use used tampons for? A - Tea bags for vampires. Seen on the back window of a pick up truck. "Beam me up Scotty, There's no intelligent life on this planet." God isn't dead - He's been busted. I wouldn't mind dying - It's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. Q - What do you say to a Mexican in a three piece suit? A - "Will the defendant please rise." A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc I have a problem. Two months ago my cousin died and left me $75,000. Last month my Uncle died and left me $100,000." "Yes, what seems to be your problem then?" asked the doctor. "This month, nothing!" Did you hear about the Greek guy who left home because his father wouldn't get off his back. He had to go back home because he couldn't leave his brothers' behind. Q - How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece? A - With a crowbar. Q - Did you hear about the Greek guy who was charged with buggery? A - He hired a smart lawyer and had the charge reduced to "following too close". A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." Man: Waiter? Waiter: Yes sir. Man: Would you please taste my soup? Waiter: Is there something wrong with the soup? Man: Please, just taste the soup? Waiter: Is it too hot? Man: Please! JUST taste the soup? Waiter: Is it too cold? Man: Please! WOULD YOU taste the SOUP? Waiter: All right, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TASTE the soup. Where is the spoon? Man: AHH-HA! AHH-HA! It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural," she said. Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" Rejected by the college of his choice, the banker's son angrily accosted his father. "If you really cared for me, you'd have pulled some wires!" "I know," replied the parent sadly. "The TV, the stereo, and the telephone would have done for a start." College professor to class: "If there are any dumbbells in this class, please stand up." After a short pause, a strapping youth in the back of the room rose. "So, you consider yourself a dumbbell?" the professor asked. "No, Sir," replied the youth, "I just hated to see you standing there alone." A man is driving down the street and has a flat tire in front of an asylum. He takes off the hubcap and lug nuts and puts the nuts in the hubcap, then jacks up the car and removes the flat, under the observation of one of the inmates, who is watching the proceedings through the fence. As he's putting on the spare, he bumps into the hubcap, knocking the lug nuts into the storm drain. "Damn!" he yells, for now he has no way of securing the tire. "Well why don't you just take off one nut from each of the other tires?" the inmate asks. The man is astonished. "That's such a great idea," he said. "Why in the world are you in there?" "I'm just crazy. I'm not stupid." After the micro-surgeons conference in New York, the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being quite drunk, began to reminence over their greatest feats. The first, an English surgeon explained: "We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built an arm, engineered a new body and ultimately, when he returned to the workforce, he was so efficient that he put 5 men out of work." That's nothing added the American surgeon: "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and put him back into the workforce. He is now so efficient, that he has put 50 men out of work." The Canadian surgeon, not to be outdone: "I was walking down the street when a fart wafted past. I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an anus around it, built a bum to it, attached a body to one end and legs to the other and gradually it turned into Brian Mulroney. He is now so efficient, that he has put the whole fucking country out of work!" * - Brian Mulroney is the Prime Minister of Canada, which is the equivalent of president in the U.S. Benny was visiting his dying father in the hospital. The old man was in an oxygen tent, and had been growing visibly weaker for several days: "Father, are they treating you OK?" "Yes", whispered the old man, his voice halting and wheezy, "but I get cool at night." "I'll bring your shawl. Is the food alright?" "It's good, but I'd like a snack sometimes." His voice grew weaker. "I'll bring you some of Momma's soup." Are they giving you your medicine for the pain?" "Sometimes they're a little slow." "I'll talk to them on my way out." "Benny... you're a good boy, and I want you to know, since you've been so good to me, and all your brothers, they never come, so I changed my will." The old man was turning a little blue. "Benny, I'm going to leave it all to you. You deserve it the most." "Oh, thank you, father, thank you." Tears of joy rolled down his cheeks. "Now tell me, is there anything else I can do for you while I'm here??" The old man beckoned, and Benny leaned closer. His father struggled for breathe, then he whispered: "Will you take your foot off of my oxygen hose?" A freshman's father paid his son a surprise visit. Arriving at 1:00 AM, he banged on the fraternity house door. A voice from the second floor yelled: "What do you want?" "Does Harvey Chapman live here?" asked the father. "Yeah," answered the voice, "bring him in." One college freshman was so dumb that he stayed up all night studying for a blood test. Two coeds were discussing their social lives. One was a freshman, the other a senior. The freshman asked her older friend, "What would you do if you'd had five dates with a fellow and he never even attempted to kiss you?" The senior thought about it for a minute, then offered her advice, "Lie about it." I'm still waiting for my ship to come in, but I have a feeling it's stuck in the Persian Gulf. Before a recent championship boxing match, the outclassed challenger was being interviewed. "Just think," boasted the boxer, "millions of people will see me fight tonight." "That's right," said the sportscaster, "And they'll know the results about ten seconds before you do!" A Texas oilman went to the dentist. "Your teeth are perfect," said the dentist. "You don't need a thing." "Drill anyway, Doc," said the Texan. "I feel lucky." The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. My bank advertised "No Point Loans." I filled out a loan application and they told me, "There's no point." My kid is studying to become a financial writer. Just last week he wrote asking me for some more money. My grandfather always found the silver lining in every cloud. When the doctor told him he was losing his memory, he said, "Well, imagine that -- now I can hide my own Easter eggs!" The judged fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver sarcastically. "No, save it," replied the judge. "When you get three you get a bicycle." Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting this murderer?" Jury: "Temporary insanity." Judge: "All twelve of you?" A psychiatrist was visiting an asylum for the insane. As he walked the grounds he came upon a man who was creating a magnificent mosaic of colored bricks in the garden. "Sir," exclaimed the psychiatrist, "your artwork is marvelous!" "Thank you," said the man, "I designed it myself." "Is your studio near here?" "I have no studio. I am a patient here." "A patient?!" blurted the psychiatrist. "Good heavens, you're an artist! I'm going to call the director and have you paroled. I know many wealthy people who will commission you to design one of these for their gardens. You'll be rich!" "Really?" exclaimed the artist. "You'd do that for me?" "Of course! Now here's my cab. I'll be in touch." As the psychiatrist climbed into the car, something hit him hard on the back of the head, knocking him senseless. When he could refocus, he saw he had been hit by a colored brick. As he looked up, the artist waved and said, "Don't forget!" My kids play so much Nintendo that I'm claiming the Mario Brothers as dependents. A peasant applied for membership in the Communist Party. "Comrade, if the Party asked you for a hundred roubles, would you give it?" asked the Party secretary. "Yes." "And if the Party were to request you to enlist your only son in the Red Army?" "I would enlist him," answered the peasant. "What if the Party asked you to donate your cow to help in the fight against our enemies?" "No." "But comrade, why would you give the Party a hundred roubles and your only son, but not a cow?" "Because," replied the peasant, "I HAVE a cow." A rabbit is walking along a riverbank when he is approached by a snake. "Please tell me what I look like before you eat me, for I have never seen myself." The snake replies, "well, you're covered with fur, are short with big ears. You must be a rabbit! I also have never seen an image of myself, what do I look like?" "Well," replies the rabbit, "you are ugly, slimy, and have no balls. You must be a Washington bureaucrat!" Q - Why do Mexicans have large noses? A - To have something to pick in the off season. Q - Do Mexicans drive around in "low riders"? A - So they can ride and pick lettuce at the same time. There was this Reverend who one day felt sick, so he went to the nearest Doctor. The Doc checked him out good and prescribed some Medication and told him to come back in a few days. The Rev. did and reported he was feeling fine again. Then asked the Doc how much do I owe? The Doc said: Since you are a man of God, nothing! So the Rev. went home. A few days later the Doc received a package containing a beautiful Bible with an inscription from the grateful Reverend. Not much later a Priest was ill, went to same Doc with the same result. Again the Doc refused payment (a fairy-tale of course). Again a few days later a package arrived with a beautiful Rosary and a Thank You Note! Again a few weeks after a Rabbi felt ill, went to same Doc. the same results again. The Doc refused Payment from a man of Religion. A couple days later the Rabbi sent the Doc a another dozen Rabbis! Q - Why are there no Olympic athletes in Mexico? A - Because any Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America! Two coeds: 1: Do you kiss on the first date? 2: No, I don't. 1: How about the second date? 2: I don't know, I've never had a second date. Q - Why do Mexican built cars have small steering wheels? A - So that they can be driven by a person wearing handcuffs. "Mother, I can't marry him," moaned the love-stricken maid. "Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn't believe in Hell." "Now you go right ahead and marry him," replied the mother, "and between the two of us we'll show him he's wrong." A mother, worried because her twenty-six-year-old daughter was not yet married, urged her to insert the following in the classified ad columns: "Beautiful young heiress desires contact with easy-going playboy who wants some fast action." "Any answers?" asked the mother several days later. "Only one," sighed the daughter. "From whom?" "It's confidential. I'm not allowed to tell," replied the nervous girl. The mother screamed and ranted that she must know who answered the ad. "All right," said the daughter defiantly. "If you must know, it was from Daddy!" "What can I say that will convince you of my love and cause you to marry me?" asked the ardent lover of a beautiful show girl. "Only three little words," she replied. "Yes, and what are they?" asked the man anxiously. "One million dollars." A young woman went to her parish priest for confession and said she had committed the sin of vanity. "And how did you do that?" asked the priest. "Well," said the penitent, "Almost every morning when I looked in the mirror I told myself how beautiful I am." "No, that was not the sin of vanity," said the priest. "That was merely a mistake." WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU ? 1. VAIN PERSON One who loves the smell of his own farts! 2. AMIABLE PERSON One who loves the smell of other peoples farts! 3. PROUD PERSON One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine! 4. SHY PERSON One who releases silent farts and then blushes! 5. IMPUDENT PERSON One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs! 6. UNFORTUNATE PERSON One who tries very hard to fart but shits instead! 7. SCIENTIFIC PERSON One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about pollution! 8. NERVOUS PERSON One who stops in the middle of a fart! 9. HONEST PERSON One who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons! 10. DISHONEST PERSON One who farts and then blames it on the dog! 11. FOOLISH PERSON One who surpresses a fart for hours and hours! 12. THRIFTY PERSON One who always has several good farts in reserve! 13. ANTISOCIAL PERSON One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy. 14. STRATEGIC PERSON One who covers up his farts with loud coughing! 15. SADISTIC PERSON One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate! 16. INTELLECTUAL PERSON One who can determine from the smell of a fart the precise food items consumed! 17. ATHLETIC PERSON One who farts at the slightest exertion! 18. SENSITIVE PERSON One who farts and then starts crying! A woman in a Chinese restaurant is served her soup, in which is floating a fortune cookie. She dips the cookie out of the soup and opens it, finding this fortune: "To prosper, be honest. If you are not straight, you face oblique year." She calls the waiter over and asks, "What kind of soup is this? I've never had soup with a fortune cookie in it before." The waiter replies, "That is our house specialty: One-pun soup" The lion hunters weren't having any luck until they filled the watering hole they were watching with bourbon. This idea worked so well that in just a few hours they were dining on the sotted lion. If you cross LSD with a birth control pills do you win a trip without the kids? A grasshopper went into a tavern and hopped up onto the stool. The owner of the establishment went over to the grasshopper and said, "We have a drink named after you". The grasshopper, with a look of surprise, replied, "You have a drink named Bob?". MACK THE SLICE, the notorious duffer, unwound on the first tee and sent a high drive far off to the right. The ball sailed through an open window, and figuring no damage had been done, Mack played on. On the eighth hole a police officer walked up to Mack and asked, "Did you hit a ball through that window?" "Yes I did." "Well, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, who raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to the hospital. And all because you sliced the ball". "I'm so sorry," Mack apologized. "Is there anything I can do?" "Well," the cop replied, "try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit." I thought my wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day I decided to test it. I quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her. "Barbara," I said, "can you hear me?" There was no response, so I moved 20 feet behind her. "Barbara," I said, "can you hear me?" Still no response. I advanced to ten feet and asked "Now can you hear me?" "Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the THIRD time, yes!" The old woman rocked away her days on the front porch of her small house until a trash truck passed one morning and an old bottle fell out. Intrigued by its appearance, the woman hobbled over and picked up the bottle. It looked very old, with a lead seal on the neck lettered in a script she couldn't recognize, much less read. Thinking it a bit heavy to be empty, the woman carried it back to the porch where she attacked the seal with a pair of gardening shears, finally prying it open. With a "WHOOSH!" of smoke, a genie appeared. "Kind lady, for releasing me, I will grant you three wishes!" Well, she hardly had to consider the first wish. "I wish I could have my youth and beauty back, with a long, healthy, active life ahead of me!" With a flourish, the genie waved at the woman. She immediately found herself bulging her clothing in a manner she had forgotten years before. She reached up to her face, and felt smooth skin where there had been nothing but wrinkles moments before. The genie held up a mirror of polished obsidian, and the woman beheld a ravishing beauty in the black surface. She gasped and sat down in her rocking chair, whereupon her old black cat climbed into her lap and settled down with a contented purr. The genie looked expectantly at her, awaiting her second wish. "I've been poor all my life. I would like to be fabulously wealthy!" With another flourish, the genie waved at the porch. Suddenly, her rocking chair felt different. When she looked at it, it was solid gold. The petunias, begonias, daisies and poison ivy (she had a few quirks) growing in the porch planters had stems and leaves of gold, and the flower-blossoms were replaced with large, gleaming gems of many varieties. A pile of old newspapers in the corner rustled, and transformed into stock certificates, bearer-bonds, and thousands of used banknotes in small denominations, still weighted down by the smooth rock that had held the newspapers for so many years. "One more, dear lady," reminded the genie. The old/young woman thought and thought, rocking back and forth, stroking the old tomcat. "I suppose that now I am wealthy and beautiful I shall be besieged with suitors, some more reliable and sincere than others, and I shall always worry about their fidelity and their true interest in me or my money. I think for my last wish, I want a handsome, debonaire young man who will always be loyal and love me for what I am!" The genie smiled and said, "A wise choice!" With that he gestured at the old cat in her lap and disappeared. The cat jumped down off her lap, and as soon as his feet touched the porch, he was transformed into a veritable Adonis with yellow-flecked blue eyes, golden-orange hair, and a graceful, athletic body made up of muscle and sinew. The woman stood in amazement and spread her arms to her new boyfriend. He grasped her, stroking her hair and gazing into her eyes and whispered, "Now aren't you sorry you took me to the vet that one time?" A man walks into a pet shop, in search of an unusual pet. "Got just the thing," says the shopkeeper. "I've just taken delivery of some hamsters, but these ones are different; when they snuff it you can make delicious jam out of them!" "By jove!" says the customer. "I'll take one!" So the customer duly coughs up the loot and departs with his new companion. After a few months, the hamster dies. The man remembers what the shopkeeper had said, and proceeds to make some jam from the hamster. However, after taking one mouthful, it tasted so bad he spat it out and tipped the rest of the jam out of the window. Next morning, he looks out of the window and finds some magnificent tulips growing where he had tipped the jam. Amazed, he returns to the pet shop to tell the shopkeeper. "... and next morning, there were loads of tulips growing where I spilt the jam," said the man. "Well, what about it," said the shopkeeper. "Haven't you ever heard of ´Tulips from Hamster Jam'?" Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights." During a railroad strike in England, a volunteer engineer on the one line performed the remarkable feat of bringing the train to his destination 25 minutes ahead of time. The passengers went forward in a body to thank him. A pale face emerged from the cab. "Don't thank me," he gasped. "Thank God. I only found out how to stop this thing ten minutes ago!" The Nine Truths of World Religions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TAOISM: Shit Happens CONFUCIANISM: Confucious Say, "Shit Happens" BUDDHISM: If Shit happens, it is not really shit. ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening? HINDUISM: This shit happened before. ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else. CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us? Three vampires strolled into a bar and sat down. "What'll it be?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," said the first. "So will I," the second vampire concurred. "And I'll have a glass of plasma," requested the last. "Okay," the bartender replied. "That'll be two bloods and a blood lite." In a little town in Georgia, a motorist had to pay a farmer $20.00 to pull him out of a mud-hole. "Seems to me that you'd be so busy pulling folks out of these lousy mud roads that you'd be doing it day and night." "Nope. Can't pull em' out at night," drawled the farmer. "Night's when we tote water to muddy the road!" A golfer returned home after an exceptionally long day, and his wife asked "How was your game?" "Terrible" he replied. "My partner dropped dead from a heart attack on the first tee" "My God! That's terrible" "I'll say...all day long hit the ball/drag George...hit the ball/ drag George." A young man graduated from an ag program at Texas A & M, and returned home to take over the family chicken farm for his retired parents; this was the realization of his lifelong dream. After two disastrous years, he called the A & M extension service, frantic to save his farm. "Are you giving the chickens plenty of water?" asked the extension agent. "Oh yes," replied the young man, describing the textbook manner in which he watered the birds. "How and what are you feeding them?" queried the agent. "I'm doing exactly what I was taught to do." replied the frantic young farmer, and he went on to describe the rest of his farming techinques. "I'm stumped," said the agent. "It sounds like you're doing everything just the way you were taught. Your chickens should be thriving and producing. He was about to hang up when a final thought occured to him. "Hey, wait a minute," he said to the despairing young man, "Did you plant those chickens head down or feet down?" Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said 'here, try these on.' So she did and said 'these just don't fit..' So I replied '...exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Hmmm, says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "here, try these on." So she does, and says "these just won't work.." So Jack says "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here, you try on mine.." So he does, and says "I can't get into these." So Jill says "...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will." A Young man had become so obeise that he decided it was time to pay a visit to his physician. "Dr.," he complained. "I have become so fat that I can't even see my penis. What should I do?" "You must diet immediately." said the physician. To which the young man replied, "What colour?" Two men were out on a golf course. On the second hole, one hit his ball into the rough and couldn't find it. So he got a new ball from his bag and played his next shot with that, after they had agreed to this. On the third hole, he hit a tree and the ball went God-knows-where. So he played with another new ball. And so he went on. After he had lost 7 balls, and replaced them with 7 brand new balls, his friend said, "Why don't you bring along some old balls to play with as you keep losing your them?" To which he replied, "Because I haven't got any old balls!" One night in the control tower, the controller heard: "Pilot to tower. What time is it?" "Depends on what airline you work for." the controller replied. "What difference does that make?" asked the pilot. "Well, if you are flying Continental, it's 3:00 PM. If you are TWA, it's 1500 hours. If you're Peidmont, it's Friday!" A doctor is taking a group of interns on rounds. Suddenly, another intern comes racing down the corridor and shouts, "Quick, doctor, give me a pen!". The doctor replies, "Whoa! Hold on there" and hands the intern a pen. "Doctor, this isn't a pen--it's a rectal thermometer!" The doctor looks at the "pen" and exclaims, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!" A women was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal. She asked when the doctor had completed his examination, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!" A man who played cards with a group of friends was concerned because he always woke up his wife when he came home about midnight. One night he decided to try not to disturb her. He undressed in the living room and tiptoed nude into the bedroom only to find her sitting up in bed reading. "Good Lord," she exclaimed "Did you lose everything?" A guy enters the doctor's office and says "Doc, my hearing got so bad I can't even hear my own fart. Can you help?" The doc leaves the office and after a while comes back with some pills. "Will they help me to hear better?" asks the guy. "No," answers the doc, "but you sure will fart louder!" If you and your friend Jack were horse riding, and Jack helped you off the horse, would you help Jack off the horse? Did you know that Dan Quayle asked Gorbachev about the splotch on his forehead? Gorbachev replied that it was a birthmark. "Oh, really?" Quayle said. "And how long have you had it?" A young man got a job hearding sheep on the lonely Montana prarrie. He was quite surprised when after dinner, the other hearders selected a few sheep from the flock, and proceeded to have sex with them. "That was disgusting" he remarked to one of the satiated shepherds. "Well, after you've been out here a few months, you'll think differently about it", the other said. Sure enough, after a couple of months without seeing anything female but sheep, the idea of having sex with one became more attractive to the newcomer. Having staked out his position as being above that sort of thing, he didn't want the others to know, so when they selected their sheep for the evening, he snuck away, and enjoyed his sheep behind a bush. When he returned, all the other shepherds pointed at him and laughed. He was irate. "You've got some nerve. Every night I see you doing the same thing!" "Yes", one of the others replied, "but you picked the ugliest one in the whole flock". Q - What do lawyers use for birth control? A - Their personalities! And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps... After a long, hard journey, the three wise men finally reached the stable in Bethlehem. As they entered, one accidentally stepped in a cowpie and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" Over in the corner, Mary said, "Say, Joseph, I like that name better than Morris." Q - What is red, green, and goes 150 m.p.h.? A - A frog in a blender Q - What's black and white and red all over? A - A nun with a nosebleed. What's disturbing many priests and nuns these days is cloisterphobia. Q - What's a Black Toystore called? A - Toys B Us Comedian the other day invented the first BRAIL bumper sticker for the blind: it read, "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!!!!" Bosses are like diapers, always on your ass and usually full of shit. A woman was doing her Christmas shopping at a large mall. Since it was a Saturday, the parking lot was packed. After driving around and around for 15 minutes without being able to find a space, she decided to park her car at the end of a row of cars and wait for a spot to open up in that row. Ten minutes later, a car did pull out, leaving a space open. Just as the woman was about to pull into the space, a kid driving a red Corvette zoomed past her and pulled into the vacant slot. The woman, as you can imagine, was absolutely furious. She began screaming at the young man about how she had waited 15 minutes for that space, etc. The kid just smirked and said, "That's what you can do when you're young and fast." The woman was now beside herself with anger. She jumped back into her car, backed up and smashed the front end of her car into the back of the Corvette, totally demolishing the fiberglass rear end of the sports car. Now, the kid was furious and yelled, "What the hell did you do that for?!". The woman replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!" Q - What did the dear say when it came out of the woods? A - I'll never do that for two bucks again. Murray and Esther, a middle-aged couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are, because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits right in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Ester cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." The court jester's favorite jokes always involved some sort of pun. When ever he related stories he would twist the words to suit him. New stories based on puns eternally sprang from his lisps. (Pun intended.) The following pun was his downfall: The young girl asked her father "Whats's 'paranoid'?" Dear old dad preferred children look things up so they actually learn something (an old fashioned idea at best), and replied "Two noids" "What's a noid" she asked? He replied "That's what I get when you ask me a question." It was all the King could take and he sentenced the jester to be hung at dawn. The next day just as they were putting the rope around the jester's neck a messenger came from the king. He told the jester that if he would refrain from telling puns that his life would be spared. "Well", said the jester "No noose is good noose!" A man and his son were walking through a field when a butterfly flew up to them. The son, being a kid, killed the butterfly for no reason at all. The father looked at his son and said "Son, you can't just kill anything you want. That butterfly was one of God's creatures. As punishment for killing the butterfly, you won't be allowed to have any butter for a month!" They kept on walking when along came a bee. The son had remembered what his father had said and just ignored it. The bee continued to pester the poor boy until he couldn't take it any longer. The boy took a great swing at the bee and killed it. The shocked father looked down and said "Son, I thought I told you about the value of life. That bee was also one of God's creatures and as punishment for killing it, you can't have any honey for the next month!" Finally the two got home. As they walked in the front door, the boy witnessed his mother killing a cockroach. The son looked up at his father and said "Are you going to tell her or am I?" A man and woman about to be married were going over the final touches for their wedding when the man saw the bill for his bride-to-be's wedding dress. "Fifteen hundred dollars for a dress you'll only wear once, that's crazy!" "Yes, Honey, but I will pass it down to my daughter and she'll pass it down to her daughter and it will become a family heirloom" "Well, then, why don't you just use your Mother's dress?" "What, that old thing!" If Moscow is in Russia, where's Poscow? In the barn! Johnny was in his english class and the teacher was asking a word for every letter in the alphabet. Knowing Johnny to be a foul-mouthed brat she had to think before responding to his answer. So she said "A". Johnny put up his hand. Thinking he would say Asshole the teacher asked Susie who said Apple. At B, thinking he would say Bitch she asked Timmy who said Box. After getting to R, the teacher, who could not find a swear word for it she asked him. Johnny said "Rats". Surprised the teacher said "good". Then Johnny said "BIG GIANT FUCKIN RATS!!" A guy who has been married for 20 years,suddenly finds himself having to go to the market to shop as his wife is ill. Well this is the first time he's been there in all that time and is unprepared for the prices being charged for many items. He is quite fond of nuts but can't find any, so he seeks out the manager. He sees a man with a HUGE nose helping out a lady shopper ( who is laughing uncontrollably ) and asks him "Do you have any peanuts?" The manager replies"yes sir they're $5.99 a pound" "Oh,"says the man, "How about cashews?" "Yes ,they're $7.99 a pound" "I see. How about walnuts?" "Oh sure, They're $8.99 a pound" "Well they're all too expensive for me, but thanks anyway" says the man. The manager replies "No problem and I'd like to thank you for not laughing at me. You may have noticed that I have a rather large nose and people seem to make fun of that all the time." "Oh" the shopper says , "That's your nose? I thought it was your dick, your nuts are so high!" A young couple were checking into the hotel. The experienced clerk was sure from their appearance, dress and demure, that they were just married. Looking up he inquired about the accommodations. "Bridal?" he inquired. "No thanks", replied the bride, "I'll just hang onto his ears until I get the hang of it." Later in their room the groom asked "Darling, aren't you coming to bed. You've been staring out the window for two hours!" "But sweetie", she replied "My mother told me this would be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a moment of it." Nate the snake was slithering along happily when he came upon a rather large lever. Out of curiosity he coiled up around the lever. Just as he began to pull the lever a small bird flew down from a nearby tree and cried "No! Stop! If you pull that lever the world will end!!" Very carefully Nate uncoiled from the lever and started on his way. Feeling the ground tremble ever so slightly he looked and say a large bolder headed directly for the lever. He rushed to stop the rock from ending the world but alas he was too small and the rock crushed him. In doing so however, the direction was changed ever so slightly and missed the lever. The little bird looked down and said, "Better Nate than lever!" Two Hell's Angels are talking; one of them had just gotten married. One asks, "So how is married life?" "Well, it sure beats standing in line." Little Red Riding Hood was packing her little basket, getting ready for her trip to Grandma. The last thing she put in was her Forty-four magnum. Off down the path she went and into the forest. Out from behind a tree jumped the Big Bad Wolf. "Okay, Chickie," he said, "I'm going to rape you!" Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her forty-four and pointed it at him. "No you're not, sucker. You're going to eat me just like it says in the story!!" Q - Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs? A - They don't want people to know they've been FUCKING chickens! So there's this loudmouth guy sitting getting plastered in a bar late one night. He gets pretty drunk and yells to the bartender "Hey barkeep, I want to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar!" The bartender comes over and tells the man that he should remember she is a customer and to be civil. The man nods, but a while later yells to the bartender "Hey listen, I still want to buy that douchebag a drink." The drinkmaster reminds the man that he runs a respectable establishment and to treat customers with respect. The man says he's sorry, and the bartender goes to the other end of the bar and tells the woman "the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What would you like?" "Great," the woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water." Did you hear about the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to a parking meter, put a dime in -- - and lost his car. Did you hear about the cynic who claims that "Xerox" never comes out with anything original. Did you hear about the desperate fellow with the frigid wife who bought a water bed and filled it with antifreeze. Did you hear about the fellow who got ten years for pumping ethyl behind the station. Did you hear about a new chain of funeral parlors that have crematories right on the premises. They've registered the trade name Wake & Bake. Did you hear about How they will call the athletes into line at the start of the 100 metres race at the 1980 Moscow Olympics -- On Your Marx. Did you hear about an entrepreneur whose idea is to set up weight-guessing stands in singles bars. It could be referred to as a weigh-a-lay plan. Did you hear about an inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose a lot more than letters behind the files. Did you hear about the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and demanded a salary on next week's advance Did you hear about the Biblical straight-arrow who lived life as if there were no Gomorrah. Did you hear about the bright young student who was awarded a full scholarship to the college of his choice -- it paid for tuition, books, and bail money. Did you hear about the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride. Have you heard about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell. The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. "This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer. "Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach, the music, the volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," she replied as she vanished. ANNOUNCEMENT: You are all invited to the NEW IRAQ OPEN TOURNAMENT. Just completed: The Bagdad golf club. 168,000 holes. Q - What's the difference between a chorus line and a circus? A - A circus is a cunning array of stunts, and a chorus line is, well... Q - What do Chrismas and a cat on the beach have in common? A - They both have "sandy claws" (groan-maybe even BOO-HISS!) A big burly truck driver goes into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. A small, obviously gay, fellow comes up to him and asks the truck driver, "Would you like to play football?" The truck driver tells him, "Ha, you little queer, I'd crush you if we played football!" The little fag then replies, "No, this here's a drinking game." So, the truck driver says, "Sure, I'll give it a try." The fag orders two glasses of beer and explains the rules, "When the bartender says GO!, we each drink our beer as fast as we can, the first one to finish scores a touchdown, and to make the extra point, you have to pull your pants down and let a fart." "Sounds OK to me" says the trucker. The bartender says "GO", and the little queer downs his beer in a flash and proclaims "TOUCHDOWN!" after which he drops his pants and lets a fart, "That's seven point for me." Not to be outdone, the trucker orders two more beers, the barkeep says "GO", this time the trucker finishes his first, "HA, there you little fag, how's that?" "Fine", says the queer, "Now you have to go for the extra point!" So, the trucker drops his pants and the fag starts humping him, yelling "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK!!" Q - What nationality are you if you're in bathroom taking a leak? A - EUROPEAN Q - What nationality would he be if he was having sex? A - HIMILAYAN IRISH I could, BOTSWANNA try anyway. So CZECH this out. Q - What do you call an abortion in Prague? A - A cancelled CZECH!! Old Pa Jones tells old Ma Jones that he's going into town today to apply for Social Security. Ma says, "But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?" "Now, don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and leaves for town. Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in just three weeks. "So how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma. "Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest." "Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "Why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?" If you ask a frog in a puddle "How deep is the water" The Frog might answer "KNEE-DEEP" A guy goes into a talent agents office and tells him he has a talking dog... the agent tells him to get out of the office... The guy says wait... "Fido, whats on top of a house?" "ROOF ROOF" says Fido. The agent says "Get out of my office!" The guys says "Wait, Fido, how is sandpaper?" Fido says "RUFF RUFF." The agent says "GET OUT OF HERE!" The guy says, "Wait. Fido who is the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" Fido says "RUTH RUTH". The agent throws them both out of the office. In the hall, Fido looks at his masters and says "What should I have said? Dimaggio?" I found the perfect place to hide my son's Christmas present this year. It's right behind the snow shovel. Senator Jesse Helms wants to bring us into the Nineties. When asked his age, he didn't answer "sixty-eight." Instead, he replied, "I'm 20-Celsius." Not long ago a famous politician was hospitalized under suspicious circumstances. Looking for a scoop, The New York Post sent a reporter disguised as a nurse to sneak in and get an interview. The next morning the editor pulled her aside and asked, "So, did you get the story?" "No, I didn't get a chance," the reporter replied. "I was thrown out by a doctor from The New York Daily News." Q - What does a city man often dream of at 5:00 p.m. but never at 5:00 a.m.? A - A farm. Graduation ceremony: an event where a commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns and sitting in perfectly straight rows that the key to success is individuality. I tried to sue somebody for calling me clumsy, but I dropped the charges. The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked to see her father. "I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied, "but he'll be back in eight hours, forty minutes and twenty-three seconds." "How can you be so exact?" "He's orbiting the earth," she said. "He's a cosmonaut." "How about your mother?" "No, she's not here either." "When will she be back?" "Who knows?" answered the girl. "She went to buy bread." Visitor: "Are your father and mother in?" Child: "They was in but they is out." Visitor: "Where's your grammar?" Child: "She's upstairs." Once upon a time a little old lady was travelling home on the train when she overheard these two little boys talking:- First Boy: "No, You're wrong, it's spelt W-W-W-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-B-B !!!" Second Boy: "I still say it's spelt "W-W-W-O-O-M-M-B-B-B!!!" Well the little old lady decides to intervene and says:- "Now boys, stop arguing, it's spelt W-O-M-B, WOMB" At this the boys stare at each other speechless for a short while and eventually the first boy says:- "Hey Lady, BUTT OUT, I bet you've never even SEEN a Hippopotamus, let alone hear one FART UNDERWATER" A noted philosopher spent years and years in a mountain retreat. Trying to answer the age old question, "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?". Having failed miserably, he returned to civilization, entered a Diner, and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwhich. Some of the SHORTEST books ever written: Who's Who in Poland. Five Hundred Years of German Humor. Italian War Heros. The Future of Iraq. Africas cookbook. A little girl had been particularly naughty all day and her exasperated mother finally sent her out in the backyard to get a switch off the peach tree. Considerable time elapsed, and the child didn't return. The mother called out the door for the child to come into the house at once, and "bring that switch with you." The youngster, her lips puckered and quivering, meekly appeared with her hands behind her back. "Well?" the mother said. "I couldn't weach the peach tree," the child said, and then, holding out one hand, added, "but here's a wock you can frow at me." Quiet reigned in the neighborhood when a family of ten went on vacation. A few days later the family next door received a postcard asking, "How are you enjoying our vacation?" A little boy, taken to the ballet for the first time, watched curiously as the dancers cavorted about on their toes. "Mom," he whispered loudly, "why don't they just get taller girls?" A grade school teacher was instructing her pupils in the value of coins. Taking out a half-dollar, she laid it on the desk and asked, "Can anyone tell me what that is?" From the rear came the voice of a small boy, "Tails." An eight-year-old boy asked his father: "Dad, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" "Of course not," said his father. "Good," said the kid. "I didn't do my homework." Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day? Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack. A man and his wife were both avid golfers. As fate would have it, they both died at the same time, and arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Pete showed them around, and when they came to the GOLF COURSE, they were overwealmed! It was GORGEOUS! THE WORKS, Fabulous GREENS, great CLUBHOUSE, the most magnificent set of clubs in history for each of them, in short, .....a golfers dream! As they teed off on the first hole, the guy looked at the wife, and said: "If it wasn't for your fucking oat-bran, we could have been here years ago." How to succeed without talent: 1. Study to look tremendously important. 2. Speak with great assurance. Stick to generally accepted facts. 3. Avoid arguments; if challenged, fire an irrelevant question at your antagonist and intently polish your glasses while he tries to answer. As an alternative, hum under your breath while examining your fingernails. 4. Contrive to mingle with important people. 5. Before talking with a man you wish to impress, ferret out his remedies or current problems, then advocate them strongly. 6. Listen while others wrangle. Pluck out a platitude and defend it righteously. 7. When asked a question by a subordinate, give him a "have you lost your mind" stare until he glances down, then paraphrase the question back at him. 8. Acquire a capable stooge, but keep him in the backround. 9. In offering to perform a service, imply your complete familiarity. 10. Arrange to be the clearinghouse for all complaints--it encourages the thought that you are in control. 11. Never acknowledge thanks for your attention; this will implant subconscious obligation in the mind of your victim. 12. Carry yourself in the grand manner. Refer to your associates as "some of the boys in our office." Discourage light conversation that might bridge the gap between boss and man. 13. Walk swiftly from place to place as if engrossed in affairs of great moment. Keep your office door closed. Interview by appointment only and give orders by memoranda. Remember, you are a big shot and you don't give a damn who knows it. Before you ask me for the day off, consider the following statistics: There are 365 days in the year, you sleep eight hours a day making 122 days, which subtracted from 365 days makes 243 days. You also have 8 hours of recreation every day, making another 122 days and leaves a balance of 121 days. There are 52 Sundays that you do not work at all, leaving 69 days. You get Saturday afternoon off. This gives 52 half-days, or 26 more days that you do not work. This leaves a balance of 43 days. You get an hour off for lunch, which when totaled makes 16 days, leaving 27 days of the year. You get at least 21 days leave every year, so that leaves 6 days. You get 5 legal holidays during the year, which leaves only 1 day, AND YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THAT ONE DAY OFF! Q - What does NASA stand for? A - Need Another Seven Astronauts. Q - What do you call a woman whose tampax string breaks? A - A cotton picker. Q - What is brown and furry and lays in the forest? A - Smokey the Hooker. Q - How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose? A - Her ankles swell when she farts. Q - Why do girls have *unts? A - So guys will talk to them. Q - What do you call an ethiopian with a boner? A - Siamese twins. The Russains spent 2 million dollars to find out why the head of the mans penis is wider than the rest. They came to the conclusion that it was for the sole pleasure of the woman. Well the United States not wanting to be out done by the Russains, spent 4 million dollars on the same thing, and came to the conclusion that it was for the sole for the pleasure of the man. Well Poland, not having the funds, and not wanting to be outdone by the super powers spent $1.98 on the same experiment and came to conclusion that it was to prevent the hand from flying off the end. Q - Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? A - Because god couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. Who started the first computer club? Eve, she had an apple in one hand and a Wang in the other She was also the first woman carpenter, She made Adam's banana stand. Q - What kind of wood won't float? A - Natlie Wood Q - What do you get when you cross a computer with an ape? A - A Harry (hairy) reasoner. Q - What do you call a black driving a caddie? A - Black Power Q - What do you call a white man driving a caddie? A - White Power Q - What do you call a mexican driving a caddie? A - Grand theft auto Q - What do you get when you cross a bowel movement with liquid nitrogen? A - An ICBM. Q - What do you call a water skier with no arms and no legs? A - Skip. Q - What do you call a quadraplegic in a catapult? A - Chuck. Q - What do you call a quadrapelgic in a hole in the ground. A - Doug. Q - What do you call a cow with no legs? A - Ground beef. Q - What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg? A - Hop in. Q - What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor? A - Matt. Q - What do you call a dog with no legs? A - It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway Q - What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? A - Bob. Q - What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? A - Art. Q - What do you call a man with no legs? A - Neel. Q - What do you call a leper in a hot tub? A - Stu Many years ago, Descartes was sitting in a bar in Paris. When the bartender asked him if he wanted another beer, he replied, "I think not" -- and disappeared. Q - Why are cowboy hats like hemorrhoids? A - Because sooner or later, every asshole gets one. Q - Why can't comp sci's tell the difference between halloween and Christmas? A - Because 31 OCT. = 25 DEC. The following are excepts from a Toronto insurance company's records of drivers' descriptions of their experiences: 1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it. 4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. 9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car. 11. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. 12. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 14. To avoid hitting the front bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. 17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. 18. I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. 19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. 20. I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. Q - What is the difference between true love and herpes? A - Herpes lasts forever. Q - What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A - You can't hear a vitamin. Q - How do you make a hormone? A - Don't pay her. Q - How do you know when the woman tending bar is ticked off at you? A - She leaves the string in the bloody mary. Q - Why don't frogs have balls? A - Because frogs can't dance. Q - What is the difference between your job and your wife? A - After 20 years your job still sucks. Q - Why did the P.E. major cross the road? A - To get three units. Q - Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A - To get hit by a car. Q - What do you call an abortion in Prague? A - A cancelled Czech. Q - Why is Cal-Tech like screwing a virgin. A - Because it is hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you never came. Q - What is red, black and white and can't get through a revolving door? A - A nun with a spear through her back. Q - Did you hear that Billy Jean King has a new line of work? A - She sells Snap-On tools. Q - How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike? A - They both like a tight seal. Q - What do you call a milkman in high heels. A - Dairy Queen. Q - How do you get a lawyer out of a tree in Louisiana? A - Cut the rope. Q - How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A - Take your foot off of his head. Q - How do you get a one armed Cajun out of a tree? A - Wave at him. Q - What's the difference between between herpes and mono? A - To get mono, you have to snatch a kiss... Why do honeymoons only last 7 days? Because 7 days makes a whole week. Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to pop the question. He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out to a restuarant. After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you." Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it" "Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired. Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent." Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?" I'm in the electronic business. I disconnect burglar alarms. A judge in Petersborough, Ontario, upheld the eviction in June of a female college student from her apartment because of neighbors' complaints that she moaned too loudly during sex. One neighbor said the sound lasted up to an hour per session, with up to three sessions a night. Preston Ashley, 37, was wounded on New Year's morning in Greenville, S.C., by police who had gone to protect his wife, Linda Ashley, who had been beaten. The police officers were Randy Ashley and Jimmy Dean Ashley, joined later by officer Rodney Ashley. None of the officers is related to Preston or Linda. Celibacy is not hereditary. Q - Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious? A - Because there's just no end to those pricks! This nun walked into a liqour store. She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?" The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ." "Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted. "But Sister, I just . . ." The Cashier was again interuppted. "Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes." "Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked. "Yes." "Oh . . . Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the bottle. About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song. The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!" The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!" A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. "How much for this?", he asks. "I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor. "Why?" "I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it." The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed. "You didn't bring it back??" he inquires. "No, I've just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?" Q - If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and you're American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? A - European The nuns at the convent were making confession to the priest one night, the first nun goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I looked at a mans penis..." Well the priest yelled at her so everyone waiting to confess could hear and he told her to do wash her eyes in holy water and make the proper prayers. The next nun goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I touched a mans penis..." well the priest did it again yelling so loud that everyone could hear and he told the nun to go wash her hands in holy water and make the proper prayers at which the third nun in line turned to the fourth in line on the sholder and said "You'ed better go first, you'll have to gargle but I'll have to douche." A woman called repairman after the washing machine she had just purchased was on the blink. She said," Sometimes it runs too fast. Sometimes it runs too slow." He said," Have you been screwing with the governor?" She said," Hell no. I didn't even vote for him." Soon after a woman gave birth to identical twins she gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a couple from Spain and named Juan and the other went to a family in Egypt. They called him Amal. Years past, and the boy from Spain discovered his real mother and sent her a picture of himself. The woman remarked to her husband that she wished she also had a photo of ther other son. "Well", he replied, "if you have seen Juan you have seen Amal." Did you hear that the lucky stone in Ireland was blown into a million pieces? You know all they have is Blarney Rubble..... Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really really a dog? This cowboy was riding his horse in Indian country. He came upon an Indian who was stark naked in the middle of the road with a massive hard on. He decided he had seen it all now. Well anyway he figured he might as well ask the Indian for the time and the Indian touches his pecker and tells him 9 O'clock. The cowboy looks at the sun and figures that should be about right. He thanks the Indian and goes on. Farther on down the road he meets another Indian stark naked in the road with a massive hard on. Even tho he thought this was really strange he asked this Indian for the time as well. The Indian reaches down and touches his pecker and tells him 12 O'clock. The cowboy looks up into the sky once again and decides that is pretty accurate. He continues on his journey. A ways further he notices something in the bushes. It turns out to be an Indian stark naked only he is standing up in the middle of the bushes. He appears to be masturbating. Well he just about goes on but decides he just HAS to ask the Indian what he is doing. "Hey! I just have to ask. I stopped at the first Indian and asked for the time and he touched his pecker and told me. The same with the second Indian. Now, Just what the heck are you doing?" The Indian looked up and replies "Uh! Winding watch". Last summer, frozen food companies had trouble finding high-quality vegetables for processing because of the dry weather. As a result, many were culled but few were frozen. When Scrooge died and the town dogcatcher was sent to pick up his dog, it attacked him so fiercely that he cried, "The cur is worse than the deceased." Here about the new beer? Scud Light, you have to drink 5 before they hit you. Q - Why does the new Iraqi Navy have glass bottomed boats? A - So they can see the old Iraqi Navy. Q - What do Iraqi soldiers do for fun on a Friday night? A - They go into Baghdad and get bombed. A couple of items from Chuck Shepherd's "News of the Weird" column: Dee Dee Jonrowe, leading the Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon in January in northern Minnesota, took a wrong turn and went 300 yards before recognizing her error. The error cost her only a few minutes, but stopping to calculate where she was allowed her team a rest, and by the time she was ready to turn the sled around, two of her dogs had begun to copulate. She was forced to wait on them, and lost 25 minutes and the race. Researchers at three universities reported in December that they had resolved a 100-year-old medical mystery about the suspected link between men's eating frog legs and developing priapism (prolonged penile erection): Frogs eat beetles that have high levels of the drug cantharidin (known as "Spanish fly"), which has been associated with priapism. (So keep those frog legs away from your sled dogs...) The census taker was asking all those questions - the ones that make sense and the ones that don't. "And now, he said, "what's your church preference?" Without batting an eye, the citizen replied, "Red brick." Most people know the legend of William Tell, but few realize that he and his family were champion bowlers whose team was sponsored by local merchants. Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl. Few historians know that Paul Revere had an English barber, let alone that the barber would visit him secretly at night. In time, Revere's wife got suspicious. So one night, when the barber was there, she listened at the door to Revere's study and finally called out, "What's going on in there?" "It's all right, dear," Revere called back. "The British are combing." It seems that the Israeli police have joined forces with Interpol in searching for a man known only as Jose. Jose is from Tel Aviv, obviously not a native. Rather, he emmigrated from Barcelona, Spain at an early age. He was the bastard child of a Nun. In Tel Aviv, he became a farmer; during the concert season, he was the lead flutist for the local philharmonic. But, alas, Jose was not satisfied. He became a brigand. He, and his gang of pirates, pillaged and plundered costal towns, the lastest being the port of Haifa. That explains why they are searching for that Haifa lootin' flutin' tootin' son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part time plow-boy, Joe. Q - Heard about the Pop group in Iraq? A - They're called NO Kids on the Block Q - What do Iraqis call wife beating? A - Foreplay. Q - What do you call the Iraqi navy? A - Water pollution. A visiting evangelist was met at the end of the service with the blunt appraisal. "That's the worst sermon I have ever heard!" The visiting preacher, quite disturbed, told the pastor that a certain man had said something rather critical and pointed him out. The pastor said, "That man is not really responsible for what he says. He never has an original thought. He just goes around repeating what everybody else is saying." The rabbi was visiting a catholic priest just about the time the priest was to listen to confessions. So he invited him to listen in and see how it was done. The first to confess was a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband three times. She was told to put $5.00 in the poor box and say 10 "Hail Mary's". The second to confess was also a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband three times. And she too was told to put $5.00 in the poor box and say 10 "Hail Mary's". Then a sister called the priest to answer an important phone call. The rabbi was persuaded to sit in while he was away at the phone. The next to confess was a young lady that said she had cheated on her husband. "Three times? Right?" asked the rabbi. "No Father, just once." "Well then go back and do it twice more. We are running a special this week!" "Oh, thank you Father!" Fun is like insurance. The older you get, the more it costs. I used to kiss her on the lips (but it's all over now). They put dimes in the hole in my head, you should see the change in me now. Interviewed on his 90th birthday, the candid gentleman said,"I'm not as good as I used to be. Never was!" IBM "op codes" we needed but never got: bah Branch and Hang iib Ignore interrupt and branch tdb Transfer and drop bits do Divide and overflow dc Divide and conquer srz Subtract and reset to zero pic Print invalid character ssj Select stacker and jam rast read and shread tape cmi Clobber monitor immediately srsd Seek record and scar disk bst Backspace and stretch tape rirg Read inter-record gap udr Update and delete record rs Random slew ssb Scramble status byte edr Execute destructive read eioc Execute invalid op code ep Execute programmer erm Erase reserved memory pbd Print and break drum mlr Move and loose record crn Convert to roman numerals idps Ignore disk protect switch hcf Halt and catch fire fopc (set) false out-of-paper condition wupo Wad up printer output ieof Ignore end of file dwit Do what I'm thinking ppl Perform perpetual loop zd Zap directory dsh Destroy sector header dap Deselect active peripheral smd Spontaneous memory dump sftt Strip form tractor teeth hrpr Hang up and ruin printer ribbon acqt Advance clock to quitting time Come to think of it, a lot of these operations happened on their own... Don't forget: AAAH Add and Automatically Halt AIM Add Improper ADLS Admire David Letterman's Suit BBW Branch Both Ways BLMNF Blow Main Fuse BOV Burn out VDU CDHI Crash Disc Head Immediate CCFP Create Confetti From Printout CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip EJD Eject Disc ERPCS Erase Punched Cards HDLF Hurl Disc Like Frisbee IBP Insert Bug and Proceed IKC Ignore Keyboard and Crash LUPGA Loop Until Programmer Goes Away MBF Multiply and Be Fruitful PDOSI Play Des O' Connor Single Immediate POF Print Over Fly PRSMR Print and Smear PSD Pause and Smoke Dope PSP Print and Shred Paper RNR Rather Not Run RWBKT Rewind and Break tape SADP Stop and Demand Payrise SDI Scratch disc immediate SHAB Shift a Bit SHLBM Shift a Little Bit More SOSAJ Select output Stacker and Jam SPRDK Shuffle Program Deck SQPC Sit Quietly and Play with Crayons STDR Stop and Demand a Rest! TRSCH Trap Secretary and Halt WBT Water Binary Tree An old farmer married a teenage wife, and before long he was having beddie-bye trouble, so he went to a doctor for advice. The doctor told him to take his shotgun to the field with him, "Then, in the mornings, when you are fresh, and get an urge, shoot your gun three times as a signal to your wife. She can come running, and you can make out with her right there between the rows." So the farmer went and tried this, and several weeks later ran into the doctor on the street. "How did it work out?" asked the Doc. "Fine for awhile, said the old farmer, "But then hunting season opened, and I haven't seen her since." This lady was a big fan of Elvis. And to show this, she decided to go and get a tattoo on her upper thigh. She went to the tattoo parlor and had it done. When the guy finished she look at it and said "That is not Elvis, it looks more like Roy Orbison! I'm not giving you a penny!" The tattoo guy tells her that he'll make another one on the other leg and she would only have to pay for one. She agreed. When he finished, she said the same thing and that she wasn't going to pay for either of them. The man says "You're gonna have to pay for one of them. How about if I got a total stranger off the street, and if he says one of the tattoos looks like Elvis, then you will have to pay for one of them." She agreed, again. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like, and the man said "I don't know who the two twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson." Italian politician and porn star Illona Staller rose to fame when she campaigned for Parliament topless. Not one to rest on her laurels, she recently showed up at the Vatican for a meeting with the Pope... again, topless. The Pope met her at the gate. "Dear lady!", he said, "You can't come in here like that!" "And why not?", Staller asked. "This is a church, and I have a divine right!" "Hey," the Pope replied, "You have a magnificent left, too, but you STILL can't come in here like that!" A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi got together for their weekly penny-anti poker game. Sure as luck would have it there was a rookee cop on the beat who walked in on them and hauled them all in to court. The Judge looked down, saw the rookee cop, saw the three men of the cloth and trying to make short work of it, said to the Priest, "Well Priest, were you gambling?" The Priest looked up, said a small prayer, then looked at the Judge and said "No your Honour I was not." So the Judge turned to the Minister and said "Well Minister, were you Gambling?" The Minister crossed himself, said a small prayer, then looked at the Judge and said "No you Honour, I was not." Then the Judge turned to the Rabbi and said "Rabbi, were you gambling?" The Rabbi looked from the Priest to the Minister and then to the Judge and said "With whom?" Two very proper British archeologists, Watson and Smedley, were sifting through a crypt in Egypt and discovered a hard, white, cylindrical object about five inches long. After both of them studied the object, Watson declared, "After careful examination, I find this to be the fossilized forefinger of a Phoenician pharoah". To which Smedley replied, "Are you daft? This is obviously the petrified penis of a Persian priest!" After days of arguement, the two decided to call in a third party. They requested that the top Egyptologist from the Smithsonian join them and settle the arguement. The PhD arrived and after two weeks of study, emerged from his tent laboratory to report his findings to the eager Drs. He reported, "Dr. Watson, after careful examination and running the object through all the tests available, I find that it is not the fossilized forefinger of a Phoenician pharoah." At this Smedley smuggly grinned as the PhD turned to him and said, "Futhermore, Dr. Smedley, I find that it is not the petrified penis of a Persian priest." They both then asked, "Well then sir, praytell, what is it?" The Egyptologist replied, "I find that it is the calcified crap of a Carpathian cat that crept in the crypt, crapped and crept out." Q - What's grosser than gross? A - When a varsity cheerleader does the slits and six class rings fall out. Q - What did Dan Quayle say when he got back from his honeymoon? A - He said with smirk, "I could of fucked her." Little Red Writing Hood was on her way to Grandma's house skipping along happy as can be..Little Red Writing Hood encountered Thumper. Thumper said, "Little Red Writing Hood, you better watch out the big bad wolf is waiting for you and he wants to feel your breasts." Little Red Writing Hood smiled lovingly, "Don't worry you sweet rabbit. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.." So she continued on her way enjoying the day and then she met with a fox. The fox said, "Little Red Writing Hood , you better turn around. The big bad Wolf is up there and he wants to feel your innocent breasts." She looked tenderly at the fox and said, "You cute little fox, I'll be ok. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. There is no need to worry." She continued on her way and she met up with the big bad wolf. The Big bad wolf licked his chopy and stared at Little REd's breast He said , "I want to feel your breasts real bad!" She locked at him intensely and then as he came over to feel her she pulled out a gun and said, "I read the story now eat me!" An ocean liner sank at sea, leaving only three survivors in a lifeboat. One was French, one German, and one was a *really dumb guy* [those with ethnic or regional axes to grind may insert the lineage of their choice]. After they had spent several excruciating days adrift without food or water, the Frenchman saw a bottle float by and plucked it from the ocean. When he uncorked it, a genie emerged. "Thank you for freeing me," he said. "Under normal circumstances, I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you here, I will grant you each one wish." The Frenchman said, "Oh, to be back in Pah-ree, drinking cafe au lait on the Champs Elysees, and watching the women walking by in their spring dresses. That is all I could hope for." "Your wish is granted," said the genie, and -- POOF! -- the Frenchman disappeared from the lifeboat. Then the German survivor said, "Ach! All I want is to be back in a beer garden in Bonn, lifting a stein with my friends." "Granted," said the genie, and -- POOF! -- the German, too, was liberated from his misery. "And you," said the genie, turning to the *really dumb guy*, "how would you like to use the final wish?" "Well, ya know," the dumb guy said, "it's kinda lonely out here without those other two guys. I just wish they were back." Have you heard the joke about the rich man who lost all his money? He said to his wife, "Honey, if you knew how to cook we could get rid of the chef!" Honey said to him, "Yes, and if you knew how to make love, we could get rid of the chauffeur!" A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator. She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'" A young boy and his father were standing in church foyer, looking at a memorial dedicated to all the men and women who had died in war. "What's that Daddy?", the little boy asked. "It's a memorial to all the people who have died in service, son", the father replied. The little boy pondered this for a moment, and replied, "The morning service or the evening service?" CHEVROLET: Cheap Hazardous Expensive Vehicle - Runs On Luck Every Time! Two brothers decided to open a fish & chip stand in London England to raise money for their monastary. Their food was superb and their enterprise became very successful. People flocked to their fish & chip stand from all over the country. One day, the queen decided to pay the brothers a visit. While throughly enjoying her meal, the queen asked one of the brothers if he was the fish "friar". "No.", came the reply. "I'm the chip monk. Why are Fire Trucks Red? Fire Trucks have 4 wheels and 8 firefighters. That makes 12. 12 inches is a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth is also a ship. Ships sail on the sea. There are fish in the Sea. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians once. The Russians are Red. That's why Fire Trucks are red, 'cause they're always rushin'. SAAB - Stupid Auto's Always Broken. Olds - Overweight lump of dirty slag. Three doctors were discussing which type of patients they most liked to operate on. The first Doctor said he like to operate on AT&T employees because when you opened them up, evrything was color-coded and you could tell what part went where. The second doctor said he preferred IBM employees because when you opened them up everything was numbered and you could tell what was missing, what went where, etc. The third said he preferred attornys. The other two looked at him, bewildered, and asked why? He said "Well, from what I've found is they're all mouth and asshole and both parts are interchangeable!" In the PEANUTS cartoon, the team "statistician" brings Charlie Brown, the manager, his report. "I've compiled the statistics on our baseball team for last season, "Linus says. "In 12 games we ALMOST scored a run and in 9 games the other team ALMOST didn't score before the first out. In right field, Lucy ALMOST caught 3 balls and once ALMOST made the right play." "We led the league," he concludes, "in ´almosts,' Charlie Brown." A certain priest, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions during an important Nebraska-Oklahoma game. When one man had finished confession, the priest asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around awhile?" "Yes, Father," answered the man. "I'm painting the church and I'll be here all afternoon." "Would you mind then," the Father asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?" "Sure," the man said. Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille, and heard, "Father, my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing, and neither has Nebraska." A group of animals in the jungle who decided to have a football game. The problem was that no one could tackle the rhinoceros. Once he got a head of steam, he was unstoppable. When he received the opening kick-off, he rambled for a touchdown. The score was seven to nothing immediately. Somehow, they managed to keep the ball away from him the remainder of the first quarter. At the beginning of the second quarter, the other team tied the score 7 to 7. The lion tried to warn the zebra on the kick-off not to kick it to the rhinoceros. But the zebra ignored the warning. The rhino caught the ball and there he was racing for the touchdown. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was brought down with a vicious tackle. When the animals unpiled, it was discovered that a centipede had made the tackle. "That was fantastic!" congratulated the lion. "But where were you on the opening kick-off?" The centipede replied, "I was still putting on my shoes." There is a ridiculous old story about a fisherman who was enormously successful. Each morning he would take his small boat out on the lake and within a few hours he would return with a boat loaded with fish. People wondered, how did he do it? One day a stranger showed up and asked the man if he could go along the next time the man went out fishing. The man said, "Sure. Meet me here tomorrow morning at 5:00 and we will go out." The next morning the two of them made their way through the early morning mist to a small cove where the fisherman stopped the boat and cut off the motor. The stranger wondered where the man's fishing equipment was. He had no rod and reel. All the stranger saw was a small net and a rusty tackle box. Slowly the man pulled the tackle box over to himself, opened it, and took out a red stick of dynamite. Taking a match, he lit the fuse of the dynamite, held it for a moment and heaved it into the water. There was a terrific blast. Soon he was dipping up fish in his small net and filling up the boat. After watching this the stranger reached into his hip pocket and pulled out his wallet. Opening it up, he flashed a badge--the badge of a game warden. Somberly he said, "You're under arrest." This didn't seem to rattle the fisherman in the least. He reached into the tackle box, pulled out another stick of dynamite, lit it, held it for a moment while the fuse burned on down, then handed it to the game warden. "Now," he said, "Are you just going to sit there or are you going to fish?" A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and that is how the baby was named. Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. Hackers do it with fewer instructions. Hackers do it with bugs. AI hackers do it with robots. AI hackers do it robotically. Mathematicians do it in theory. Statisticians probably do it. Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. Physicists do it with charm Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). Politicians do it to everyone. Test makers do it sometimes/always/never. Procrastinators do it tomorrow. Communists do it without class. Evangelists do it with Him watching. Historians did it yesterday. Philosophers think about it. Psychologists worry about it. Economists assume it. Lawyers argue about it. Politicians lie about it. ASM programmers do it in half the time. Lawyers do it in their briefs. Bankers do it with interest. Doctors do it with patients. Hairdressers do it with shear delight. Travelling salesmen do it on the road. Firemen have longer hoses. Firemen are always in heat. Cops do it in handcuffs. Nature lovers do it in the park. Cooks do it with spice. Reminds me of the old bull and the young bull walking through the pasture. As they crested a hill they noticed a herd of heifers in the valley that were all 'ready for action'. The young bull said "lets run down there and nail one". The old bull replied "nah...lets walk down and nail them all" Q - Have you heard of the "Ted Kennedy" suit? A - It comes with a vest, jacket, and no pants. A couple of painters were painting a church steeple one day, and they were quickly running out of paint. To get the job done before it rained, they began to dilute the paint until they finished the job. It was a very spotty job. The two painters got in their truck and headed for home. As they were driving down the road, it started to rain. All the diluted paint ran off the steeple. God was understandably angry at the men, so he appeared in front of the truck, which came to a screeching halt. The painters heard Him say in a booming voice: "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!" Somewhere I read about some aspiring psychiatrists who were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor. "Mr. Jones. What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Smith?" "Elation." "How about the opposite of woe, Mr. Brown?" "I believe that's giddyap," the student replied. Comedian Sam Levenson says his father came to America because people told him the streets were paved with gold. When his pop arrived, he found that not only were the streets not paved with gold, but they weren't paved at all, and everybody expected him to do the job. An American was skydiving and his main parachute failed, and as he streaked towards the ground, he desperately tried to open his reserve parachute, to no avail. Looking down, he was amazed to see a Canadian flying up towards him. As the Canadian came closer, the American yelled "Do you know anything about parachutes??!" and the Canadian replied, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?" Did you hear the one about the young mother who took her 3-year old son to the bank? It was early, and only one teller was open. A heavy set woman was at the head of the line making multiple transactions. Pretty soon the 3-year old tugged his mother's skirt and said, "Momma, that's the FATTEST lady I've ever seen," in a lound voice. The mother hushed him, and told him to find something to do. So the kid wandered around the lobby, and returned to his mother. He tugged at her skirt and said, again in a loud voice, "Momma... That lady's butt is 3-ax handles wide." The mother was shocked, and told him to be quiet. About that time the heavy set woman's beeper sounded off, and the little kid leaped into action. He pushed his mother back against a pillar, and shouted, "Ma! Look out! She's gonna back-up!!!" A new member joined the golf club one day, and to the surprise of everyone he was blind. In the first week, he asked to play the club bore, you know the one who bores everyone with how GOOD he is. Well, anyway, the bore couldn't believe it when the blind man said he would bet on the game as the blind man's handicap was so bad. "How on earth do you play?" asked the bore. "I use a caddy and he doesn't actually carry the clubs, but stands by the flag, and rings a bell. Then when I tee off, I know which way to play. Still fancy a game?" "Sure", said the bore, "anytime." "OK, how about 11:30 tonight?" I know of a lady who weighed 240 pounds. She went to a weight controll clinique and in the first week lost 80 pounds. Imagine! One third of her, left behind! Revised Retirement Guidelines As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our personnel compliment. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the reten- tion of younger people who represent the future of the company. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of this current year, by retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. This program will be known as R A P E (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are R A P E D will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being R A P E D, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S C R E W (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been R A P E D or S C R E W E D may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S H A F T (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be R A P E D once, S C R E W E D twice, but may be S H A F T E D as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get H E R P E S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Sever- ance). As H E R P E S is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received H E R P E S will no longer be R A P E D or S C R E W E D by the company. Finally, management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well qualified through our Special High Intensity Training (S H I T). The company takes pride in the amount of S H I T our employees receive. We have given our employees more S H I T than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she has not received enough S H I T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S H I T you can stand. The Management A farmer and his wife were sitting on their stoop. The farmer reached over and grabbed his wife's breast and said, "You know, if these things could make milk we could get rid of the cows." The farmer's wife said,"I know, I know." A few minutes later the farmer leaned over and grabbed her crotch. "You know,he said,if this thing could lay eggs we could get rid of the chickens." "I know,I know," she said. A few minutes later the farmer's wife leaned over and grabbed his crotch and said:"You know, if this thing could get hard we could get rid of your brother!" There's this black guy passing a synegogue during Rosh Hoshanna when he hears a loud mournful sound. Going inside to investigate he sees a man blowing into a ram's horn. "Hey," he asks of a Jew standing nearby. "What's they doing?" "Just blowing the Shofar," comes the reply. "Say, how do I get a job in dis place? " Biology grows on you. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. There's no future in time travel. Kiss me twice. We're schizophrenic. @ENDNODE @NODE sORD @TITLE "Ordlista" LSD = Virtual reality utan den dyra hårdvaran. @ENDNODE @NODE eDIC @TITLE "Dictionary" Hangnail = Coat hook... Harpist = A plucky musician... Hex dump = Where witches put used curses... High Colonic = Jewish religious holiday... Ignorance = When you don't know something and someone finds out... Impotent = Distinguished; well known... Incest = The theory of relativity... Irony = Millie Vanilli on a Karaoke machine... Junk = Something you need the day after you throw it away... King James = A biblical hacker... (Off with their heads...) Kissing = Putting your honey where your mouth is... Knapsack = A sleeping bag... Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work... Lawyers = The larval stage of politicians... Lefties = The only people in their right minds... Liberal = Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist... Life = A terminal, sexually transmitted disease... Light year = A regular year with less calories... Lizzy Borden = The original hacker... Logic = The art of being wrong with confidence... LORD = Let Oral Roberts Die... Love of Money = The root of all EVIL... LSD = Virtual reality without the expensive hardware... @ENDNODE @NODE sSEXORD @TITLE "Sex Ordlista" OPTIMIST = En man som bokar ett motel innan en blind date. @ENDNODE @NODE eSEXDIC @TITLE "Sex Dictionary" 13-YEAR-old GIRL = Meager beaver. 42D BRA = Tanks for the mammaries. ADOLESCENCE = When a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy. ADOLESCENT INTERCOURSE = Teenster's union. AGENT PROFUCKATEUR = A plainclothes cop who entraps streetwalkers into solicitation. AIRCRAFT CARRIER = A stewardess with V.D. ALASKAN HOOKER = Frostitute. ALIMONY = Buying gas for another man's car. ALIMONY = Having an ex-husband you can bank on. ANTICLIMAX = A boregasm. ARMY ORGY = A ball of "WAC's". ASSHOLE BUDDY = A bun ami. AUSTRALIAN ABORTION = Womberang. AVANT-GARDE = French chastity belt. BALL-JOINT SUSPENSION = A raided brothel. BEACH FOREPLAY = Getting down to the clitty-gritty. BEATNIK = A person who dropped the job but kept the coffee break. BEATNIK CANNIBAL = A man who eats three squares a day. BICUSPID = A.C. - D.C. spittoon. BIKINI = A bare trap. BIKINI BOTTOM = A bush jacket. BIONIC DYKE = A tin lezzie. BIRTH CONTROL CREME = Anti-personnel balm. BIVALVE = An A.C./D.C. oyster. BOOBY HATCH = A training bra. BOOK CENSORS = People who gripe because every time they look up a dirty word in the dictionary, it's there. BORN LOSER = A guy who has a wet dream and then wakes up to find he's contracted V.D. BOY SCOUT = A cub scout who ate a brownie. BOYS' PUBIC HAIR = Sonny tufts. BREAST-FED = A female FBI agent. BROWNIE POINTS = Boobs on a girl scout. BUFFALO = A greeting between two nudists. BUGGERY = A pop-up in foul territory. BUST = An unexpected narc at the door. CALLGIRL = A negotiable blond. CAMP FOLLOWERS = The fug-of-war team. CHEAPO SEX MASSEUSE = A quarter pounder. CHERRY BOMB = A dissapointing virgin. CHILD SUPPORT = Paying off a gamboling debt. CHILI DOG = A bitch that's not in heat. CHINESE CASANOVA = Don Whong. CLITORIS = A haired trigger. CLOSET QUEEN = Male fraud. COITUS INTERRUPTUS = Outer-space shot. COLLECTION OF SEX MANUALS = Library of congress. CONCEITED PRIEST = An altar ego. CONDOM = Rubber check. CONDOMPLATION = Deciding if she's worth spending a rubber on. CONNOISSEUR = A man who collects old masters and young mistresses. CONTRACEPTIVE JELLY = Antipersonnel balm. COPULATION = Sex between consenting police officers. COUNTERFEIT MONEY = Homemade bread. CUMMERBUND = German sex club. CUNNILINGUS (Japanese definition) = Consluctive cliticism. DAISY CHAIN = A group of people getting their head together. DAISY CHAIN = Coming full circle. DECOY STREETWALKER = A flatfoot floozy. DEMIJOHN = A rest room for midgets. DILDO = Fucksimile. DOGGY STYLING = Plutonic sex. (Mickey Mouse dictionary) DRAG NYET = Police raid on transvestites. EFFICIENCY EXPERT = A smart ass who knows a million ways to make love, but doesn't know anybody who'll let him have any. EGOTIST = A guy who suffers from I strain. ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION = Domain poisoning. ERECTION = A beaver cleaver. EROGENEOUS ZONE = The skin you touch to love. EXHIBITIONIST = A fellow who wants to make one thing perfectly clear. EXOTIC DANCER = A girl who brings home the bacon and strip at a time. FALSIES = Gay deceivers. FALSIES = The enhancer to a maiden's pair. FELLATIO = Poon tongue. FELLATIO = The French connection. FELLATIO FOREPLAY = A taste of things to come. FEMININE ACTIVISM = A lib shtick. FERTILIZATION = Natures way of telling a girl she's a good egg. FIST FUCK = Knuckle ball. FLASHED POTATOES = A streak freak's stud spuds. FLAT-CHESTED SECRETARY = A topographical error. FLEXIBLE FLIER = A stewardess who get laid in the john of a 707. FLY PAPER = A cardboard zipper. FOOTBALL GROUPIE = Jock absorber. FOREPLAY = Operation Head Start. FORNIFICATION = Adultery without benefit of clergy. FRENCH SQUARE DANCE = Go-down hoedown. FROZEN SPERM = Ice-cold pop. GAY cowboy = Buggeroo. GAY CRUISER = A shopping lisp. GAY DAISY CHAIN = Swish kabob. GAY MASOCHIST = A sucker for punishment. GAY PRIDE = A group of homosexual lions. GEORGIA ATHLETE = Cracker jock. GOLD DIGGER = A gal who believes sinner take all. GOOD SCOUT = Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. GROUPIE = A bandbox. GROUPIE = A piece of the rock. HANGOVER = The brew of the night meeting the cold of the day. HARLOT'S MOTTO = "Dough or Don't" HICCUP = A fart that backfired. HIGHWAY QUICKIE = Braking and entering. HOME COOKING = The place many a man thinks his wife is. HONEYMOON = The grand opening of Beaver Dam. HOOKER'S INCOME = John dough. HORNY ORIENTAL CHEF = A cock of the wok. HUMDINGER = An electric dildo. I.U.D. = Box spring. I.U.D. = Womberang. IMPEACHMENT = Premature ejaculation. IMPOTENCE = Lack of response-ability. IMPOTENT ACTOR = A boneless ham. IMPOTENT FLASHER = Public futility. INCESTUOUS LESBIAN SISTERS = Nibbling siblings. ITALIAN SLUM = Spaghetto. JESUS CHRIST = The Messiah's handle. JOCKSTRAP = Ball-bearing device. LABIA MAJORA = The curly gates. LAPPING PUSSY = A cat who drinks milk. LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY = Swishful thinking. LESBIAN = A mannish depressive with delusions of gender. LESBIAN TWINS = Lick-alikes. LESBIANS = Insurmountable odds. LOGARITHM = A Catholic birth-control record. LOSER = A man who is tried in a small-claims court for exhibitionism. LOSER = As a guy who computer-dating service sends him the number of Dial-A-Prayer. LOSING STREAK = Jogging in the buff to shed weight. MAIDENHEAD = Pot-smoking virgin. MALE CHAUVINIST = Ms. demeaner. MALE PRO = A laddy of the evening. MALE PUBIC HAIR = Dick Vandyke. MALE SKIN-FLICK LEAD = A shooting star. MARRIAGE LICENSE = A piece warrant. MARRIAGE LICENSE = Noosepaper. MASOCHISM = The agony of the ecstasy. MASSAGE PARLOR GIRL = A peter maid. MASTURBATION = Coming unscrewed. MASTURBATION = Self-service elevator. MASTURBATOR = A self-made man. MENAGE A TROIS = One plus one making one. MIDGET CIRCUMCISION = Tiny trim. MILITANT FEMINIST = Adamant Eve. MILLIONAIRE CUNNILINGUIST = Midas muffer. MINIVIBRATORS = Toys for twats. MISTRESS = Something between a mister and a mattress. MONKEY WRENCH = A spasm in the orgasm chasm. MONS PUBIS = Box top. MORNING = The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation rises. MOTEL TOWEL = A panky hanky. MOTHER'S DAY = Nine months after father's day. MOUNTAIN CLIMBER'S VASECTOMY = Dry sack on the rocks. MOUTH PLUMBER = A dentist. MOVABLE FEAST = Going down on a belly dancer. MUNICIPAL GRAFT = City haul. NARCISSISM = Playing strip solitaire. NIPPLE = Titular head. NOCTURNAL EMISSION = Dream cream. NUDE COLORATURA = Muff diva. NUDIST CAMP = A place where the peeling is mutual. NUDIST COLONY = A place where men and women air their differences. NUDIST COLONY = A place where the sun worshipers hang out. NURSERY = A place to park last year's fun until it grows up. NYMPHOMANIAC = A groin-operated sex machine. NYMPHOMANIAC'S DIARY = An organ recital. OBOOKER = Roly holer. OFF-COLOR COMEDIAN = Obscene jester. OLD FASHIONED GIRL = The one who gets kissed goodnight instead of good-morning. OLD MAID = A girl of advanced years who has gone through life with no hits, no runs, and no errors. OPTIMIST = A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. ORGASMIC CRY = A sperm wail. ORGY = Ass en masse. ORGY = Rolling with the bunches. PADDED TRAINING BRA = Tits for tots. PAJAMA PARTY = Roomers in bloomers. PAJAMAS = Items of clothing that newly-weds place beside their bed in case of fire. PARAMOUR = A mistress who's pretty good at golf, too. PARIS VICE-SQUAD COP = Skin flic. PARTY RECORD = An account of the times you come. PASSION = A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel what you never felt before. PASTIES = Bumper stickers. PENICILLIN = What you give the man who has everything. PENIS ENVY = A malady suffered by some girls. To them we say, "Ask, and it shall be given unto you." PERFECT SECRETARY = one who comes in for dictation with a notebook, pencil, and towel. PETER PAN = A moving shot in a skin flick. PICKLE = A Phallus Diller. PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION = Emission Control Center. POPULATION EXPLOSION = When people take leave of their census. PORNO WESTERN = A movie in which all the guys are hung. PORNOGRAPHY = Cliterature. POSH PLEASURE PALACE = Where you pay high to lay 'em low. POT LUCK = Not getting busted at the dope grope. PRE-MARITAL CHECKUP = An entrance exam. PREMATURE EJACULATION = A spoilspurt. PREMATURE EJACULATION = Going off half-cocked. PRIVATE SECRETARY = A good one never misses a period. PROFESSIONAL STUD = Working stiff. PROPHYLACTIC = Measure of inflationary protection. PROSTITUTE = A beddy buy. PSYCHIATRIST = Trauma critic. PUBERTY = That time in life when one is too old for doll houses and too young for penthouses. PUBESCENT NYMPHO = A tyromaniac. PUBIC HAIR = Nature's dental floss. PUT DOWN ROOTS = What masseuses do when the massage parlor's raided. QUICKIE = A moment's piece. QUICKIE = No sooner spread than done. RACIAL SUPERIORITY = A pigment of one's imagination. RAPE = Seduction without salesmanship. RED-LIGHT DISTRICT = An erogeneous zone. RELAY = The second time around. RHYTHM METHOD = Off-season planting. RIDING-WHIP EJACULATION (Masochist's supplement) = The cream of the crop. RISING INFLATION = Buck fever. RODEO FLOOZY = A saddle tramp. SADIST = A man who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wrist watch. SAFE CRACKER = Georgia girl on the pill. SAFETY BELT = The one you don't drink before driving home. SATYRIASIS = Early to bed early to rise. SCHMUCK = A guy who goes to a swinging-singles party and shits in the hot tub. SECRETARY = Not permanent fixture until properly screwed on desk. SELF-ABUSE = A pound of flesh. SEMEN = Knock-up drops. SEVEN YEAR ITCH = When all you're getting out of marriage is bed and bored. SEX = A mutual fun investment. SEX-CHANGE SURGEON = Gender amender. SEXUAL ABSTINENCE = Nocturnal omission. SEXUAL EYE SIGNALS = Diddlywinks. SEXUAL HANGUP = The termination of an obscene phone call. SEXUAL LUBRICANT = Greasy id stuff. SEXUAL REVOLUTION = Pleasant uprising. SEXY SCANDINAVIAN = Magnetic Norse. SHREWD SHEIKS = Oil slicks. SILICONE INJECTIONS = Two-point conversions. SIXTY-NINE = A double-header. SOB SISTER = A girl who sits on your lap and bawls and makes it hard for you. SOCIETY SWINGER = A person who sleeps with just everyone, but not just anyone. SODOMY = Something any asshole can do. SODOMY = Stem to stern. SOUND OF AN ORGY = The din of iniquity. SPINSTER = Unlusted number. SPRING FEVER = When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants. STACKED VIRGIN = A cherry tomato. STORK = The bird that has all the work and none of the fun of bringing babies. STREETWALKER = Pussyfooter. SUBURB = A community in which a man will lend you his wife but not his golf clubs. TATTLE TAIL GAY = A pansy who blows and crows. TEENAGE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER = A jerk strap. The average woman wants two things = less meat on her bones and more bone in her meat. THE PILL = Something girls use to take the worry out of being close. THREE TIME LOSER = A guy who pays $200 for a piece of ass and ends up with a donkey, which turns out to be a make, with hemorrhoids. TIMID FEMINIST = Chicken libber. TO LAY (verb) = Object of a proposition. TRANSVESTITE = Drag addict. TRANSVESTITE BUDDY = A guy who will give you the skirt off his back. TRIPLETS = Valuing seriously what was poked at you in fun. TV CENSOR = Bleeping Tom. UNICORN = A horse with a horn on. UNLIBERATED FEMALE = Uncle Mom. VAGINA = A balled spot. VAGINA = The box a penis comes in. VAGINA = Tunnel of love. VAGINAL JELLY = Hole schmear. VAGINAL LUBRICANT = A slitty slicker. VALENTINE = A card with a heart on. VASECTOMY = A conversion from a working model to sports model. VASECTOMY = Tearing off a piece of vas. VATICAN = A house of pill refute. VIBRATOR = A slot machine. VICE SQUAD = Pussy posse. VICE VERSA = Dirty italian poetry. VIRGIN = A girl who stops at nothing. VIRGIN = A girl who won't take in what her boyfriend is taking out. VIRGINITY = A bubble on the sea of fate. One prick and it's gone forever. VOYEUR = A window fan. WAKE-UP ERECTION = A morning thickness. WASHROOM ATTENDANT = A dump waiter. WEAKLING = A girl who means "no" but can't say it. WELL ENDOWED FEMALE = A prowed beauty. WET DREAM = Getting a load off your mind. WHACKING OFF = Glans slam. WINTER = When the air conditioning repairmen leave for Europe and the furnace repairmen return. WITHDRAWAL PAINS = When a dog pulls out too fast. WOLF = A man with a little black book of canceled chicks. WOLF = A man with a strong will whose looking for a girl with a weak won't. WOMBAT = An australian dildo. ZEBRA = The largest size a woman can buy. POT LUCK = Finding the pay toilet door ajar. CHUG-CHUG = An over-forty go-go girl. MERMAID = Not enough woman to love and too much fish to eat. FART = A Greek love call. REDNECK = A good ol' boy who'll screw a black girl but won't go to school with her. VIBRATORS = Toys for twats. IMPOTENT MARINER = A salt with a dead weapon. NEIGHBORHOOD ORGY = A naked friendsy. LOSER = A male motorist who picks up a girl who's already walking home from a date. ADULTERY = Putting yourself in someone else's position. LESBIAN RECRUITS = As WACs fruit. ERA = Squatter's rights. COWARD = A man who wakes up with his nose in his wife's armpit and is afraid to open his eyes. POOR MAN'S FOREPLAY = An hour of begging. MORAL FIBER = The cereal eaten every morning by self-righteous hypocrites. BLUNDERBUSS = Kissing the bride at a shotgun wedding. GERIATRIC COPULATION = A loose connection. LESBIAN SUSPENSE SKIN = A clit-hanger. MERKIN SALESMAN = A fuller-bush man. ORIENTAL DAISY CHAIN = A closed erectrical circuit. RUSSIAN PREMATURE EJACULATOR = A spurtnik. BIBLICAL ORGY = Sharing the prophets. CLITORAL MASTURBATION = Push-button sex. COITUS INTERRUPTUS = A pulled muscle. COITUS INTERRUPTUS = Braking ball. ENDURANCE IN BED = Sheet mettle. FLUCTUATING PERIOD = A wandering menstrual. FRIGID WIFE'S NIPPLES = The tips of the iceberg. GAY ARSONIST = A flaming faggot. GREAT LOWER = An ace in the hole. HAMBURG FELLATRICE = Herr blower. HAMMOCK HUMP = Getting one's ass in a sling. INCESTUOUS YOKEL = A country humpkin. LESBIAN ORGY = A pussy wallow. MARITAL FIDELITY = Unadulterated boredom. OBSCENE PHONE CALL = Aural sex. POSTCOITAL MEAL = A twatluck supper. PROSTITUTE = A tollhouse cookie. SELF-ABUSE = Letting your fingers do the whacking. SEXUAL GRAFFITI = The glandwriting on the wall. SPERM-BANK DEPOSITS = Merchant's semen. SUPERSEDE = Clark Kent's sperm. SUPERTOOL = A Hungdingus. TEN-INCH ERECTION = Double-digit inflation. VASECTEE = A fellow who's had his heir supply cut off. @ENDNODE @NODE sELEFANT @TITLE "Elefanter" F - Vad sa Jane när hon såg elefanterna komma över kullen? S - Titta, där kommer elefanterna! F - Vad sa Jane när hon såg elefanterna komma över kullen med solglasögon? S - Inget - Hon kände inte igen dem! @ENDNODE @NODE eELEPHANTS @TITLE "Elephants" Q - Why do elephants travel in herds? A - Because is they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep. Q - Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A - To hide in cherry trees. Q - Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? A - See, it works! Q - Why do elephants hide in cherry trees? A - So the sharks can't find them. Q - Why do natives hide in their huts between 5 and 5:30 pm? A - Because that's when the elephants come out of the cherry trees. Q - What is the black stuffs between elephants toes? A - Slow running natives caught outside between 5 and 5:30pm. Q - How does an elephant hide in the djungle? A - He climbs up in a tree and paints his balls red so they looks like cherrys. Q - Who makes the loudest noise in the djungle? A - An elephant, when a giraffe, eating cherrys, taste the elephants camouflaged balls.... Q - What is the difference between plums and elephants? A - Plums are purple. Q - What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill? A - Look, here comes the elephants! Q - What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill wearing sunglasses? A - Nothing - she didn't recognize them. Q - What do you get when you cross a Parrot with an Elephant? A - Whatever it is, just make sure you give it a cracker when it asks. Q - How can you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you? A - By the giant "E" on its pyjamas. Q - How can you tell if an elephant has crawled under the bed during the night? A - You are currently having an intimate relationship with the ceiling. Q - How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A - If all your trashcan liners are missing. Q - Why does an elephant have four feet? A - Because 8 inches isn't enough! Q - Where do elephants have their sex organs? A - In their feet - If an elephant steps on you, you're fucked! Q - Why did the Elephant cross the road? A - Because it was handcuffed to the chicken. Q - How do you get four Elephants in a Mini? (Very small British car) A - Two in the front, two in the back. Q - How can you tell there's been two Elephants in the fridge? A - By two sets of footprints in the butter. Q - How can you tell there's been three Elephants in the fridge? A - By three sets of footprints in the butter. Q - How can you tell there's been four Elephants in the fridge? A - By the mini parked outside. There was a mosquito in the djungle who suddenly become extremly horny. He just HAD to do it. And he flew around in the djungle to find himself a partner when he suddenly saw a elephant in an extremly sexy pose. He could'nt resist the elephant, so he flew up to her ear and wispered: - Hey baby, could'nt we... well, you know, sort of.... The elephant looked at the mosquito and said: - Well, I don't know, somebody might see us.... But the mosquito finaly pursuate the elephant, who said: - Well, go on, but make it quick! The mosquito flew to the back of the elephand and started doing it. In a tree sat a monkey who had observed everything, and when he saw the mosquito flying to the back of the elephant, he thought: - Hey man, is THIS really happening i MY djungle. A mosquito and an elephant??? He took a coconut and threw it at the elephant as hard as he could. It hit the elephant's head, and the elephant went: - Ouch, ouch! The mosquito said: Suffer baby, suffer! A man was cleaning up the elephant's dung at the circus one day when a fellow walked up and asked him "Is that what you do all day?" "Yup. Been doing it for years!" He replied. "Man I would never clean elephant shit for a living. Did you ever think of quitting?" He asked. "What? And give up show business!!" Q - What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? A - Elephant Rhinoceros sine Theta. Q - What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? A - Nothing, a mountain climber is a scalar. An elephant was taking a drink from a river in the jungle when he spied a snapping turtle sleeping on a log. He ambled over to the creature and kicked it right across the river. "Why did you do that?" asked a giraffe. "Because," explained the elephant, "that was the turtle who nipped my trunk 50 years ago." "What a memory!" the giraffe exclaimed. "Yes," replied the elephant. "Turtle recall."