Food is good because A) You can make smacking noises with it. B) It has no political affili-- affilee-- affiliatricaloids. C) It fills up your belly spaces. D) IT TASTES GOOD BUDDY MANDINGO!
Many people ask me about the history of food. They say, "Brak, where did this food come from." And I always tell 'em. "From its mommma." Food has been eaten by man and creatures for many years. Some say over five. So that's the history of food.
Conversation with a Honey-Baked Ham:
Brak: Hiya, Mr. Honey-Baked Ham, old buddy buddy!
Honey-Baked Ham: Hiya, Brak!
Brak: Do you like candy?
Honey-Baked Ham: I sure do, Brak!
Brak: Me too!
Brak Says Hello in His Room
I'm in my room. There are things that I love in here. Here's my John McEnroe inflatable cake stand. Here's my Nerf bed (for extra absorbancy and for bouncing around during the annual meteor storm.) Here's my mashed potatoes. Here's my shoe horn. It's also my gravy boat. You can sit on the bed. Oops. Sit on this end of the bed. Smell this suspender. Smells good, huh? Like cinnamon. I gnawed on it.
HELLO FROM MY ROOM!!!!
My Favorite Candy
Hard candy, soft candy, chocolate candy, nutty candy, peppermint candy, butterscotch candy, circus peanuts, Milky Way, Baby Ruth, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kat, Twix, Hershey's, M&Ms, Heath Bar, Zero, Fifth Avenue, Clark Bar, Three Musketeers, Whatchamacallit, Goobers, Junior Mints, Rolos, Chunky Bars, Marathon Bars, Goo Goo Clusters, Lollipops, Now Or Laters, Starburst Fruit Chews, Chocolate Covered Pickles, Chocolate Covered Weenies, Chocolate Covered Apples, Chocolote Covered Bananas, Chocolate Covered Mangos, Chocolate Covered Butter, Chocolate Covered Gravy, Chocolate Covered Chocolate on Vanilla Icing, Chocolate Covered Licorice...
Brak's Halloween Jokes and Stuff That He Thinks and Says
Favorite Halloween Memory
The time I ate some candy.
Favorite Halloween Thing
Candy.
Favorite Halloween Joke
Q: If you're American outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?
A: You're a-peein'!
MACARONI-CHEESE
Brak: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to make macaroni and cheese! Do you, Cheese, take Macaroni to be your lawful wedded husband, promising to provide him with cheesy goodness, to console him as a leftover, to strengthen him at snack time, and to share with him your yumminess?
Cheese: I do.
Brak: Do you, Macaroni , take Cheese to be your lawful wedded wife, promising to provide her with pasta, to console her in saucepans, to strengthen her in the refrigerator, and to share with her your yumminess?
Macaroni: I do.
Brak: Do you have a bowl for Cheese? Would you put it under her and repeat after me: I, Macaroni, take you, Cheese, to be my wife, and with this bowl, I marry you and join my taste to yours.
Macaroni: I, Macaroni, take you, Cheese, to be my wife, and with this bowl, I marry you and join my taste to yours.
Brak: Repeat after me. I, Cheese, take you, Macaroni, to be my husband, and with this bowl, I marry you and join my taste to yours.
Cheese: I, Cheese, take you, Macaroni, to be my husband, and with this bowl, I marry you and join my taste to yours.
Brak: May the love that you put in my tummy grow deeper and stronger all the days of your lives! I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU A TASTY TREAT!!!! YOU MAY GET IN MY TUMMY!!!!
Brak's Diary
Dear Diary,
I was walking down the street on the way to see the puppies get a bath when I saw this unattended box of chili cheese fries by this loading dock. I ATE THE WHOLE BOX IN 10 minutes. They were so delicious and hot and creamy and chili-ee and potato-ee. I am so sick, Diary. I am lying in this alley and quietly burping into this this paper bag until the pain passes. I hope no one comes into the alley right now. The bum next to me just went to sleep quickly when I had to break wind. I hope he wakes up soon, Diary.
Your ownliest pal,
Brak
Song I Wrote
This is a song I wrote:
My cat has a bladder
And I do too
My cat has a bladder
And I do... too
My cat has a bladder
And I love him so
Water makes him run and
Makes me have to go
The end
Brak's News Bureau
This is Brak reporting live from his bureau in his room. This just in...
It it not true that Desmond Tutu is a funny skirt ballet girls wear. Here is a picture of him and a picture of the funny skirt. See?
Tom Waits has the word "wait" in his name but he is not a waitress. He eats in diners, though, because I meet him on Tuesdays at Weena's and we dip pickles in our milkshakes. I have to go lick the blender blades so that's all the news for now. This is Brak signing off.
Brak's Thinking Cap
When I was cleaning out my ears today I was thinking about things. Why is the word slacks so funny? My friend Sam is afraid of the word slacks. I am not afraid of the word slacks. The word slacks makes spit fly out of my mouth when I say it. SLACKS! SLACKS SLACKSSLACKS SLACKSSLACKSSLACKS SLACKS!
I like grass. I rolled in it just a few minutes ago. I smell like ammonia and hotness and grass. I didn't have a good picture of grass so I used this lady from my school book.
Brak'S EArlieSt MemoRy
Before I was born I was in the lobby of this motor inn. I was eating sandwiches with a short man who said he invented the ball bearing and a talking goat. Then mom burped and I wanted to come outside where I got free milkshakes.
Do NOT TURN AROUND. I'll Drop this Bean on YOUR head!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, I won't.
I've been swimming in my extra long shorts and I greased down with lard so I'll go down the slippy slide faster. My knees are really wrinkled.
Here's another something that happened to me one time:
I was at the place where you can look at the otters. The otters, Tino and Gisuppe, are rude sometimes because they just burp and burp and never cover their mouths. Anyway, I was standing there throwing some leftover casseroles to Tino and Gisuppe when this guy says, "Hey, there's a space alien!" And I said, "Where?!" Cuz I never seen a space alien before. And the guy is running back and forth like he has to go potty and he's pointing and saying, "Get it on tape!!! It's an alien!!!" And I was yelling, "I WANT TO SEE THE ALIEN TOO!!!" And the people were swarming around ME and pointing. IT WAS ME THEY THOUGHT WAS THE SPACE ALIEN!! And then this girl, Kim, says, "That's just Brak. Leave him alone. He's not a space alien. He's on t.v. and makes records and has a home page." And then everybody left me alone. Kim is my friend. She can talk like Moltar when she burps. We went to Zestos and ate grease balls.
Welcome, Earthlings! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up! I always wanted to say that. I updated this page because I got a letter saying, "Brak, I am so sad. You are lazy and don't put new things on your personal home page. My pillow is soaked with tears from crying all day. Boo Hoo." But I know that was just Space Ghost pretending to be 12 year-old Cindy from Desmoine. That Sneeky Sneek Sneek!!!! I'm not giving back his cup warmer! Okay, yes I am.
BRAK: Hello, Mr. Hand Towel Puppet!!! You smell like feet.
HAND TOWEL PUPPET: Hello, Brak. We finally meet. There's so much to tell you but the most important thing is... you should know that the rest of them condescend to you. You must escape and find your truth path in life.
BRAK: You sure do know a lot of big words for a towel!!
HAND TOWEL PUPPET: Brak, listen to me. The others, especially Space Ghost, treat you like a... a... pet.
BRAK: I found a walrus with a toe infection and Space Ghost says I can't keep him.
HAND TOWEL PUPPET: BRAK!!! PAY ATTENTION! YOU ARE JUST A FOIL--
BRAK: Hey, I like burned jelly. What were you saying, Mr. Hand Towel Puppet?
HAND TOWEL PUPPET: Nevermind, Brak.
Mr. Hand Towel Puppet was sad and didn't want to talk so I used him as a wig and danced around in the shower like Jennifer Lopez until Space Ghost came in and yelled at me.
Here's something that happened to me one time:
I was eating at this place where they let you eat sometimes. At the police station. And when I started to burp onions, the officers made me go outside cause I was making the prisoners uncomfortable.
Brak's A SPECIAL TIME OF IT GETTING HOT SO I CAN GO OUTSIDE AND RIDE MY BIKE BUT WAIT I GOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS FIRST PAGE
It's almost summer time. And the living is easy, buddy buddy! It's a time of making baked beans on the sidewalk. Throwing mud pie bombs peppered with yard onions at Space Ghost's potting shed. And drinking out of the drainage ditch behind the softball field when you're too thirsty and tired to go down the street to your house and drink out of the hose in the yard. I love the summer! I love to stink of grass!
Brak's Diary
Dear Diary,
I smelled the summer in my dreams. I smelled it somewhere behind the spring time. I dreamed of my hair plastered in sweat across my forehead. I dreamed of stinky tube socks on naugahide. I dreamed of sweat running into the cut on my knee and it stinging real good. Mr. Kool Aid pitcher played dodge ball with me. I eated the delicious creamy lemon icing off of the blender blades while Zorak sat in the mixing bowl. My dream went on and on into the night, Diary. I thought it would never end. I seemed happy in my dream. I was taller and I had a mustache but I felt the same. I felt all giggly like I do when I spend all of my allowance on orange ice cream push-ups. It seemed like I was in the goodest place. The bestest place I've ever been, Diary. Maybe it was the Ghost Planet...
...or maybe it was Utah.
Brak
Brak's big list of summer time activities
Build a bug condo out of Tansut's pants you found in the trunk of his station wagon.
Find my Dukes of Hazzard lunch box I buried last summer when I played Commando with Zorak.
Give Zorak a dollar every day.
Don't tell Space Ghost you give Zorak your dollar.
Nap in the laundry.
Befriend a tick.
Learn tick's language.
Teach tick to ski.
Make sure tick doesn't get attached.
Keep distance from tick.
Ask tick why he's getting so big all of a sudden.
Find way to break off friendship with tick.
THIS IS AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH CHAIR!!!
Another list of Brak's list of things that are hard to say after crunching ice and eating snow cones and then chugging an Icee
Crystal trophy
Texas opera quiz
Terrence McNally
Football photo faux fox pool
Fee Fie Fo Fumb, Fanny's friend Franz!
But wait...
Since my show "Brak Presents the Brak Show Starring Brak" debuted on Cartoon Network, I've been asked to hang out with celebrities. They just keep callin' and callin'. I got fired from my paper route because Robert Guillame wanted to tag along. Boy howdy Pete is the stench of fame ever stuck to me!
I even got invited to the Oscars as Pedro Almodovar's interpreter but I got lost on Santa Monica Boulevard cause I thought Monica would be home but she wasn't so I was late and I heard later that no one understood what Pedro was saying when he won the Oscar for "All About My Mother." It was all better later when Warren and I made fun of Jack's eye lid flap. They got great chicken wings at Spago's!
WOOL IS GOOD, BUDDY BUDDY!
Many times I wonder aloud why wool is beloved worldwide.
It is beautiful and warm and cushy and comes from sheeps. Sheeps are nice. They bah bah bah. What is wrong with that? Nothing, I tell ya!
Brak's Woolen Diary, Dear Woolen Diary,
You are so plush. You smell like J. Crew..... ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZ ZZZZZ.
What?!,
Brak
Brak's Poems About Wool
Wool is someone's fur
Without the hands and feet
Wool keeps rain and dirt off of MY fur
And answers my questions with "bleet!"
The End
Brak's Sheeps Facts
Did you know that sheeps come in all kinds of shapes and sizes?
Did you know that they sometimes panic in the rain saying, "It's raining! I'm getting wet. I'm going to smell awful! I'm itchy! I'm going to shrink! I need to be dry cleaned! Quick someone find a tree for me to stand under!"
You're not supposed to say hi to me?! I'm not going to stand for that, buddy! I'm saying "hi" and "hello" all over the place!
TM & © 1999 Cartoon Network. A Time Warner Company.
