Dearest XX,

I’m writing you now because I’m full of these feelings in my soul, mind, and heart. This may seem a little sad and maybe it is but if you ever get to truly understand me, you’ll know that once you read this, if you read this, that my sadness is from deep joy in my heart. I am in the middle of watching “A Message in a Bottle.” To me it seems so much like my life. Garret, the main character, and myself seem to be closely alike. That may be why it’s a little sad. Sad because sometimes it takes a movie to make me see things. The man in the movie writes, like me, he writes out of his sadness to help him cope with his own life and mistakes. Just like me. He was in love once, long ago. That love, his wife, died. Just as what I loved died to me. After her death he consumed his life, every aspect, with her. He left all of her things as they were, never moving them. That doesn’t mean he ignored them. He could put any of them right back into place, if they were ever moved. I’m sure he stared at them quite often while thinking of her. His work was after that which she loved. After she died there was nothing left for him to live for so he lived it all for her. His loyalty was passionate. Sooner or later you have to let things go and live for yourself. You taught me that XX. His actions and the way he treated people; you could see it was learned from his mistakes of the past. He had great fear in opening up to people. Trusting would never be so easy as it once was. He feels it would be betrayal to open up to someone else. He keeps to his self a lot or that’s what people think. When he is alone he is with her. More or less, he is always alone. Everything I’ve said about him is what I see in me.

I cried, off and on, through the whole thing. Sometimes the truth hurts, you should know that, everyone should. He’s so scared to put his heart back out on the line. His, once strong, trust is so timid now. I will not go on with these double meanings and hide myself behind this character any longer, you’ve probably caught on by now.

XX, long ago I trusted, I loved. I guess everyone does when their growing up. I’ve always been different in that way. Things have always meant so much to me. People, even family, always said I was different. Shunned, you might say. They would talk over me, around me, through me. I didn’t associate much, all through my life. (Make no mistake. I have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people. They don’t know me. They know the type of person that I want them to think I am. I act a lot different in crowds, in public. That’s why I seem quite sometimes or out of place.) I talked to people but it was never really me. I just couldn’t. Maybe that’s wrong. That’s a big part of me now. That’s how I can just sit for hours watching a storm or the night sky or water. I can just see my whole life pass. I’m amazed by little things like blades of grass or tears or the wind against my face. I was young. I put trust in the things I could understand. I always felt it was a curse to think like I could or find things, inside of other things, like I did. For so long I hid myself. Then she came into my life. She came in at the worst time in my life. One of the worst. But it was when I really needed someone. I opened up everything and I trusted. It lasted a long time. I started to find out it was all misplaced. Everything I said to her got repeated. Everything we shared was talked about. That’s a big reason I hate gossip and nosey people now. I have a great difficulty exposing all that again. I think that’s why me and XX couldn’t make it work. We went through a lot but she never wanted to know me. She never wanted anything really. She still doesn’t know what she wants. Somehow I can just flow to you. When your reading my words what your really getting is my heart and soul. Slowly but it’s coming. It flows through my pen, into your eyes, to your mind. If I’m lucky you’ll feel what I say and write and believe it. I have told you so much already but there’s still so much more to share. Please realize what you listen to and the trust I have bestilled in you. If it is to much please let me know before it goes on any longer. I hope we never grow apart XX. I hope that I can help you, one day, as much as you’ve helped me. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy wishing I could see you and wshing you were here to talk to.