KAREN: Rosie!
I just met the most incredible
man.
ROSARIO: Are you sure you just didn't
lean into the doorknob again?
GRACE: Okay, now you're freakin' me
out!!
There are crumbs on the carpet, your robe doesn't match your socks,
and,
oh, my God, there's no product in your hair! I'm calling 9-1-1!
WILL: I'm fine. You know I-I got those
nice little pills. Ooh, better call in a refill.
GRACE: Already?
WILL: Little secret: if you cheat and
take 'em a little closer together, you can avoid the pain completely.
Heh!
It's even pretty effective in squashing the lingering ache from having
to work so hard for my mother's affection, making it nearly impossible
for any man to love me enough to make up for the hole she left in my
heart.
GRACE: ...And--and second of all, don't
tell me that you're gonna pull out the gay card.
WILL: It is a lot harder for a gay man--
GRACE: Because if you're pulling out the
gay card, I'm pulling out the girl card, and we both know that the girl
card trumps the gay card.
WILL: Don't make me get my friend Joannie
over here, because we both know that the only card that trumps the girl
card is the gay girl card.
GRACE: Ok. I'm not losing this. I will
call Jill, my African-American, bi-curious, dyslexic... Forget it. I'm
exhausted. I fold.
WILL: That's a good move, because I happen
to know a differently-abled transsexual with split ends, and that beats
the house, missie.
Grace: Ok, here's the Thanksgiving
menu
so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll.
What
am I missing?... Cake. We need cake.
Will: Did you take a bong hit before you
wrote that?
"Judy, Barbra, Liza, Bette,
These are names I shan't forget."
- Barry recites the gay
catechism.
"I was voted 'Most Confident' in my low-self-esteem support group." - Tina, Will's Dad's mistress
"Shut your hole you drunken donut."
Rosario
"Take it easy Francis Ford Fagala!"
-Rosario
"Quit busting my hump, lady!"
-Rosario
"Listen, Boozo the clown!"
Rosario
"Oh lady, put a cork in that whine!"
Rosario
"What do the boys make out to these days? Is it still Judy?"
- Bobbi
"Why haven't you returned my calls? I left messages for you in a cute voice. I rewrote the lyrics to Carousel to reflect our situation. I cried. I've done everything a man is supposed to do." Stuart
Jack: "Sorry, no public displays of
affection.
They don't know I'm gay here."
Cam: "I guess that means you haven't
moved
or spoken."
Karen: "Oh my! How would you
like
to live under my skirt?"
Lawyer: "Get yourself a bikini wax.
I like a clean work space."
Jack: "What's going on with you?"
Will: "What?"
Jack: "We haven't sung a show tune since
Jimmy Swaggart got caught with a hooker."
Will: "Who's that guy?"
Jack: "That guy? He's "that
guy".
What's his name. Generic McPainwrap."
Will: Guys don't make passes at girls
who
wear glasses.
Jack: Guys don't make passes at guys with
fat asses.
Jack:"You do like gay porn, don't you?"
Grace:"Who doesn't?"
Grace: I hate men!
Will: Good, more for me.
Jack: "I've decided to take my career
in
a whole new direction."
Will: "Forward?"
Grace: "So you two are close, huh?"
Jack: "As close as two men can get in
eleven minutes."
Grace: "Where are you going?"
Will: "Where every red-blooded American
man goes when he needs to blow off some steam: the sweater deparment at
Bergdorf's."
Jack "The world should know the truth
about
C3PO."
Will "Jack, C3PO is not gay, he's
British."
Grace "You really should get another
hobby
other than outing robots."
"I pretended your jock strap was an oxygen mask all day."
-psycho Val
"I left on Saturday and I've been on ten planes, and a bus, and what I'm still convinced was an anti-semitic camel." Leo
Karen: [Karen and Nathan meet in the
elavator
for the first time] Going down?
Nathan: You get right to the point.
Karen: [Karen thinks for a minute] I like
you.
KAREN: Oh, cripes. Honey, let me give
it
to you in a nutshell. Your boyfriend's a big flaming feather-wearing,
man-kissing,
disco-dancing...
[TAKES A DRINK] Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving,
Mikanos-going--
[TO JACK] Honey, take it on home.
JACK: Tom's queer, dear
Jack and Karen explain to a clueless co-ed why her
theater-major
boyfriend is never going to rock her world.
Karen: it's always been my dream to
have
a whole stable full of horses.
WILL: Oh, when did that start? After you
took your first black beauty?
JACK:Our horse is gay. He practices the
love that dare not speak its neigh-eigh-eigh-eigh-m.
KAREN: Come on, honey, that's silly. You
think everything's gay. First Canada, now a horse.
Will tries on a cowboy hat
GRACE: It takes me back to the old west.
The old West Village.
KAREN: Yeah. Howdy, domestic pardner.
"Joe has been very upset with my love handles--or as he calls them,
'I don't want to touch you Larry'."
-Larry
Jack: "While we're here, can we check
out
lesbian erotica? I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it
is
they do."
Will: "I think it's like bumper cars."
Jack:"I really tried to put myself in a
dog's postion."
Will:"Why should today be any different?"
Will's date has just called to say he's running late
Jack: Will, have you totally forgotten
how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you
off.'
Will: Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack: That would be 'good morning.'
[pause]
Will: [at the same time as Jack]
Good morning, Jack.
[Jack leaves]
KAREN: Let's cut through the bull. If
you
want to win, we're gonna have to cheat. So I'll write 30 words on my
left
boob and 32 on my right...What? It's a little bit bigger. And that's
normal.
JACK: No, Karen! You can't write the
answers
on your boobs!
KAREN: Why not? It's the only place in
a gay bar that nobody's gonna look.
JACK: No! That would be cheating. It
would
besmirch the reputation of gay spelling bees organized by drag queens
in
filthy tranny bars everywhere.
JACK: There are more important things
in
life than winning. But I wouldn't know what they are. Because I won!
KAREN: Shut your pansy pie hole! You did
not win!
JACK: I did!
KAREN: What?!
JACK: Um, 105 bucks... I won Travel
Scrabble.
And this trophy, which I can only keep overnight because they need it
tomorrow
for the shemale egg toss contest.
Rosario: Miss Karen, time to get up.
Karen: Hey. How about bringing the volume
down to foghorn level?
Rosario: Up yours, Count Drunkula.
Jack "Headline! I'm in love."
Will "Musta missed that headline...then
again, I don't read the farm report."
Glenn Close as Fannie Lieber: "Why am I
such a sucker for a gay guy who begs?"
Grace: "Story of my life, sister."
"I helped a fairy get a date?"
-Sylvia, Karen's mother in law
Will: How are you with a pastry bag
and
rosette tips?
LEO: I never tried 'em, but why don't
we hold each other for awhile, and we'll see how we feel after that?
Sylvia: You're queer, too?
Jack: As Christmas in Bloomingdales,
girlfriend!
Will:"Totally kissable..."
Jack:"Aren't they all?"
(they're talking about a real dog)
Salesclerk:"Does your son have any
interests?"
Karen:"Ham."
Karen:"Grace caught him red handed!"
Jack:"He was by himself?"
Karen:"Where are my slippers?"
Rosario:"Have you looked up your ass,
you drunken fool?"
Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a
good
night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know
Jack's
gay.
Karen: How could she not know? What is
she, headless?
Lyle Finster: There she is, the woman
who
set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle Finster: Which is a nice change,
since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an
altogether
different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just
because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party,
doesn't
mean you're wanted here.
Grace: Hi. Welcome to my office. And we
usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle Finster: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't
see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're
Lorraine's
father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen: That's right. And it ain't never
gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle Finster: I understand. But I only
came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen: What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just
gonna
go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.
Karen: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just
taking back my -
[realizes]
Karen: Hey!
Lyle Finster: Karen, I'm lost without
you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at
the
end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.
Grace: Really, I'm uncomfortable.
Karen: It's never gonna happen between
us, Lyle. So beat it.
Lyle Finster: Very well. But I'll never
forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom
that
I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak...
Grace: Please, one of us has to go!
Karen: Get out.
Lyle Finster: Very well. But know this:
Every vagina...
Grace: GET OUT!
"I'm not wearing anyone ...yet, because the night is still
young."
-SEAN HAYES, when asked by PEOPLE what designer
he was wearing at the Golden Globes