(see a spanking link and others at the bottom of page)
"Discipline is not the same as punishment"
Watch children blossom when you accentuate the positive
By Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D.(thanks to aol parenting link)
Joanne Reilly has made it quite clear to her 11-year-old son, Joseph, that he is not allowed to watch violent television programs. "I don’t want him to accept that behavior as normal," says Joanne, a marketing consultant in Brookfield, WI. "He watches them because his buddies watch them. If I step out of the room, he flips the channel to one of those shows."
They are at an impasse. "Time-outs used to work very well with the children," she says. "Now, it’s nothing to them. If they’re sent to their rooms, it’s not a punishment; it’s a reward! I find myself losing my temper more quickly than I used to. Maybe it’s because they’re growing up and I haven’t shifted gears yet."
Knowing when and how to "shift gears" — especially when it comes to discipline — is one of the ongoing challenges of raising children. Techniques that worked at one stage of development, such as time-outs, lose their effectiveness as children progress through elementary school. Approaches that made no sense with preschoolers, such as negotiating limits, can be very useful with older children.
To keep your discipline techniques in sync with your child’s needs, you have to understand two things:
First, what, exactly, do we mean by discipline?
Second, what are the critical issues in children’s development that affect how they respond to different forms of discipline?
Discipline Is Not Punishment
Although the two words are often used interchangeably, discipline is not the same as punishment. The words "discipline" and "disciple" come from the same Latin root. They each have to do with teaching. When you discipline a child, you are teaching that child something.
In other words, discipline is not necessarily negative. If you praise your daughter for getting ready for school on time, you are disciplining her. Your daughter is learning that her competence at getting ready for school is something you value. In fact, responding to your children when they are behaving the way you wish is much more effective in the long-term than reacting when they are misbehaving. It is an approach that works at any age, even with your spouse.
Of course, time-outs and taking away privileges can work, too, but as children develop these techniques have to be rethought. Children do not mature in a smooth, predictable pattern. Two children the same age may vary tremendously on everything from their social skills to their ability to anticipate the consequences of their behaviors.
Preschool and Early Elementary Years
Your child is mobile and verbal. She is fascinated with power, as shown by how often she uses the word, "No!" Also, she may seem to feel emotions more intensely than before. Her frustrations can overwhelm her, leading to a temper tantrum.
For children ages 3 to 7, discipline is largely a matter of setting and enforcing clear, realistic, and predictable rules, as well as helping children recover when their emotions are out of control. These two approaches work very well. In general, the fewer rules you have, the better off you will be.
Your child has to be able to remember the rules if they are to be effective. A rule like "Always hold an adult’s hand when you’re outside" meets the requisite criteria: It is clear, realistic, and enforceable. A rule like "Stay close to me" is not. Your child will not know what "close" means, so it is unclear. She will constantly have to be aware of where you are, which means that she cannot be distracted. That is unrealistic. Children her age are constantly and naturally distracted.
Clear, simple rules give young children a sense of security. Their world becomes more predictable. They know that you care for them.
The power of "No": "Saying 'No' to a child can be a greater act of love than saying anything else," says Eugene V. Beresin, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the child and adolescent psychiatry training program at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. "Knowing right from wrong, good from bad, is not something that is taught in church, synagogue, or school. It stems from the relationship between parents and children."
One of the most effective disciplinary tools for children this age is time-out. To make sense of time-out, you have to understand its often-ignored partner: time-in.
As children reach the preschool years, their interactions with their parents change. Because they are becoming more competent at dressing themselves and using the toilet, parents usually touch them much less. That means that older children do not get the rewards of physical attention that they once did. Yet they still need and crave lots of brief, affectionate contact throughout the day.
That is where time-in fits. It is a way of lowering your child’s frustration level and averting some potential behavior problems. Throughout the day — perhaps 50 times a day or even more — when your child is behaving in an appropriate way, take two seconds to let her know in a nonverbal way that you approve of her. You can do this by briefly giving her a hug, stroking her hair, scratching her back, planting a kiss on the top of her head, or anything else that does not interrupt what she is doing but still gets the message across. In other words, you are reinforcing her when she is handling things well.
Time for "Time-Out": The time-out is used when your child’s behavior shows that he is emotionally overwhelmed. It is important to go over the rules of time-out with him beforehand. Practice it with him once or twice while he is calm, so that he knows what to expect. Let him know that he will have to stay in his time-out place until he is behaving calmly and ready to go back to playing.
Your goal is to help your child learn how to calm himself down when his feelings are out of control. To do that, you need to stay calm when you use time-out. If you are upset or if you yell (as we all sometimes do), you will raise your child’s anxieties and make matters worse.
When your child behaves inappropriately, simply say, "No furniture kicking! (Or whatever the behavior is.) You need a time-out." Choose a location that is nonstimulating, and that is also not frightening. (Never use a dark room, for example.) If you have to carry your child to her time-out spot, do so with her facing away from you. Since this position is not associated with cuddling and does not involve eye contact, it is not rewarding and does not unintentionally reinforce the behavior you are trying to stop.
The rule of thumb for the maximum amount of time your child has to be quiet is one minute for every year of her age, up to a total of five minutes. In other words, the maximum for a 4-year-old should be four minutes, and for a 7-year-old, five minutes. That clock starts ticking as soon as your child has calmed down. However, you should start with briefer time-outs. In fact, in the beginning a time-out should only last a few seconds longer than it takes your child to calm herself down. You can build up the time slowly. The reason for this is that, with practice, she will only need time-outs for more serious situations.
Once she has recovered her composure, begin with a "clean slate." Do not lecture her on what she did wrong or what she can do the next time.
MIDDLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
The situation changes for children who are roughly ages 7 to 10. Distraction is no longer needed. Time-out loses its effectiveness with older children in this group.
Children’s growing social and cognitive skills let them empathize more with others. They can begin to plan for the future. A child who spills a drink on the kitchen floor will probably realize that he should be the one to clean it up, although he may need a bit of help. The results of good and bad behavior can be very powerful disciplinary tools starting at this age. Let us say that your 9-year-old is an avid baseball player. You have told him many times that he should place his glove on a shelf in his closet so that he can find it when he needs it. It is now Saturday morning, he has a baseball game, and he cannot find his glove. Instead of helping him search for the missing equipment, tell him that he will have to borrow someone else’s glove at the game.
He will be upset, of course. He will tell you that you are being unfair. But since you are not asking him to do anything dangerous or unhealthy (such as going to school in winter without a coat), it is an appropriate way of teaching him to pay attention to the natural consequences of his behavior. Odds are that he will put the glove on the shelf when he finally finds it under that pile of dirty clothes in the corner of his room.
This is also a good age to discuss the logic behind some of your family rules and expectations in greater detail. Why is school homework important? Why is bullying not allowed? Your child’s growing intellectual and social sophistication will help him put your rules into a greater context instead of seeing them as things you have chosen at random.
Finally, household chores can be a very effective form of discipline. Your goal is not to have him do a lot of work. Rather, the message that comes with being responsible for setting the table or putting his dirty laundry in the hamper is that he is a contributing member of the family. By offering his contributions in this way, he is seeing how family members are interconnected, and, at the same time, building his own sense of independence.
THE PRETEEN YEARS
Children from about ages 10 to 13 undergo dramatic physical, intellectual, and emotional changes. They like to argue more, even though the bases for their arguments are often flawed. "That is not fair! Everyone else gets to do it," can become their rallying cry. Living with a preadolescent is like living with a lawyer.
At this age, negotiating limits — and recognizing that some things are nonnegotiable — can be an effective disciplinary tool. Preteens need to feel that you recognize that they are becoming more mature. They are less likely to reject family rules and expectations if they feel they have had a say in at least some of them.
For example, you may insist that your daughter finish her homework every night. She, however, should be able to negotiate with you about when she does it. Some of her suggestions may be inappropriate, "I’ll do it first thing in the morning when I get up"; "I should be able to finish it all in 10 minutes." Instead of rejecting these out of hand, discuss them with her. Explore various options. Give her practice in making decisions by herself, and being responsible for their outcome.
This does not mean that you should be a pushover. Nor should rules be open to negotiation after the fact. "At some point you have to say, 'I’m sorry you feel this way, but this family is not a democracy. You broke the rule,' " Dr. Beresin advises.
Because preteens want to socialize with their friends, removing social privileges can be very effective — as long as the punishment fits the crime. If a child this age comes back two hours late from a friend’s house without a good excuse and without calling you, suspending his socializing privileges (no visits, no phone calls) for a day might be appropriate. That will help him make the connection between his freedom and his responsibilities. But if you fly off the handle and say, "You’re grounded for a month!" he knows full well that you will soon back down. Besides, too large a punishment will focus his attention on how unfair you are being, rather than on what he can do to prevent problems in the future.
When you feel that your approach to discipline is not working, and if you find yourself becoming frustrated because you are doing the same thing over and over, here are some questions to ask yourself: Have I adjusted my approach to my child’s stage of development? Am I paying extra attention to my child when she does the things I want, not just the things I do not want? When I discipline my child, is my message clear and realistic? Remember, any punishment for misbehavior, just like any form of positive reinforcement, has to be more than age-appropriate to be effective. Everyone involved has to be able to see your approach to discipline as a sign of caring, not as a power play.
The 4 Keys To Effective Discipline
There are four key ways to discipline your child more effectively, no matter what her age:
1. Catch your child being good.
No punishment for bad behaviors is as powerful as rewarding the behaviors you want.
2. Talk about discipline issues with your spouse.
That way you can each feel comfortable with the other’s behavior and support.
3. Do not warn your child more than once when he is misbehaving.
Multiple warnings give the message that you are not serious and firm in your resolve. Once your child knows that a particular behavior is unacceptable, you should not issue warnings at all.
4. Do not imply that your child has a choice in matters that you as a parent must decide on your own.
If you say, for example, "It’s time for bed. Okay?" you are giving the impression that he has a vote in the decision. Instead, simply say, "It’s time for bed."
Is Spanking Bad for Your Child?
For years, parents and professionals have debated the relative merits of spanking to discipline children. Each side trots out anecdotal evidence and religious quotations to support its claims.
Research indicates that spanking, especially when used repeatedly, usually does more harm than good. Parents who routinely spank their children report that they have to use this form of discipline more and more to get any result.
The long-term effects of spanking on children include growing defiance, hostility, and misbehavior. Remember, discipline is teaching. If you swat your child, you are probably teaching that it is acceptable for big people to push around little people through physical violence. Is that really the lesson you want your child to learn?
On the Web: Plain Talk about Spanking
spanking
threats to a child
FamilyLife magazine, February 2000 
