Behind Closed Doors
© “Damn it Zac, pay attention!” Taylor snapped, frustration apparent. The trio watched as the mixing woman pushed her chair away and stood up, muttering something about coffee. Isaac threw his pic in the general direction of the wall, pulled off his headset in disgust and stomped out of the room just as the pieces of wood landed near Taylor’s airwalks. Zac sighed and plonked his head down on the drums. They were in the recording studio, trying to finish the last few songs on the new album.
“Hey you guys”
Taylor and Zac looked up, thoroughly startled. Standing in front of them was their father.
“It’s 2 am Saturday morning. Take a break. We’ll start again in about an hour”
Taylor nodded at his father and glared at Zac before following in Ike’s footsteps. Zac stood up and walked outside, sitting down on a parked car. When had it happened? And why? It was going so great and now…. now music just wasn’t fun anymore. Burnout maybe. Nah, not maybe. Definitely. It had been so awesome the past 3 years and now, well, now it wasn’t. Zac sucked in a deep breath of fresh air and stood up, contemplating what to do next. Not that there was much left to do. He glanced at his watch-57 minutes left until they were due to put the finishing touches on a newbie-Runaway. Zac smiled wryly. Running away seemed like the greatest idea in his mind right about now. Taylor would be hogging the TV and Isaac would be on the phone to one of his girlfriends. He sighed again and turned his thoughts back to their burnout. He recalled one of the many times when he had reached the cliff where sanity and derangement met. And he had always been pulled back just in the nick of time. He was just waiting, waiting and hoping for the time that it would happen, that he would be driven to jump and fall fall fall towards his death. Zac knew it was a morbid thing to think-from the point of view of anyone else they probably had it easy-but he was just sick of it all. Sick of all the tears and cries and screams and proclamations of love. Sick of airports and hotels. Sick of the grabbing hands and X rated letters, the stalkers and groupies. I mean, sure, it was fun at first but now it seemed like a jail sentence. Zac turned back around and walked inside studio number two. There was no other way to go. If he didn’t do this then it would continue on never ending. His brain was a thick muddle of fog as he flung the bathroom door open and grabbed the white bottle with its prescription label before sitting down on the cold hard floor. He quickly twisted off the childproof cap and emptied half the contents of his bottle into his hand. This is the best way, he tried to convince himself. This way he would go quietly and free of pain and noone would even miss him. He downed the handful dry, almost choking a little as the tiny blue tablets slid down. He sat there for a minute or two, feeling nothing. A wave of weariness suddenly hit him and he laid down, falling asleep almost immediately.

* * * * *
Life goes on, as it never ends. Eyes of stone observe the trends, they never say forever gaze.
* * * * *

Zac opened his eyes and was immediately hit by a bright light. He blinked a few times, trying to subtlize the harsh glare. Footsteps. Zac heard footsteps. Coming closer, this way. Towards him. He sat up and tucked his flaxen hair behind his ears as a figure stepped into the white room.
“God?” he rasped out, afraid. He hadn’t been saying his prayers as often as he should recently.
“Not quite” the voice spoke. It had a high, sweet lilting voice. The figure moved closer and Zac could see it was a girl with long blonde hair and big, electric blue eyes. She was dressed plainly and all in white, from her keds to her jeans.
“And you are…” his voice, which was unusually high and squeaky, trailed off.
“Mariana. But that’s not important. Stand up”
Zac stood up, feeling ridiculously foolish.
“So you don’t like being famous anymore?” she asked.
“Well…”
Mariana tilted her head, waiting for his answer.
“No! I hate it. I want to be normal. I want to have friends outside my family. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to be able to go to the movies without being mobbed. I want a girlfriend. I want…I want… want a life!”
“Then why did you try to kill yourself Zachary?” she asked, looking at him quizzically.
“Try?”
“Yeah. You didn’t quite succeed. Right now you’re laying slumped on a cold tile floor, asleep”
“Asleep? Just asleep?”
“Yes. Just asleep. Although I’m not just here to amuse myself Zachary”
“Then why are you here?”
“I’m here to show you why what you did, or rather, are trying to do, is wrong. What effect your life has on people. I’m here to show you what goes on behind closed doors”
She took his hand and lead him towards a wooden door, a faint light coming from under the crack at the bottom. She opened the door and they were standing in someone’s bedroom. The CD player was on playing “Where’s The Love”, by Hanson, none-the-less and laying on the floor was a blonde teenage girl whose looks didn’t vary from Mariana’s much. She was typing on a laptop, what appeared to be a newsletter was present on the screen. Zac glanced at Mariana who nodded permission for him to move closer.
“Only 52 more days until the release of the new album, I know most of you are like me and can’t wait! And then afterwards is their world tour, which I’ve been looking forward to for yonks…what should they call it this time?” he read over her shoulder.
The girl and the room suddenly vanished and Zac found himself standing in a school hallway. To his right were two girls, both wearing hanson shirts. On the left were about ten boys and girls, all leering at and harassing the girls.
“And they have such fuckin’ high voices, they sound like pre-pubescent girls!” the ringleader jested.
“Yeah, well it takes one to know one. Just leave ‘em alone, they haven’t done anything to you” said the girl closest to Zac before grabbing her friends arm and running away. Zac quickly followed them into the girls bathroom, which was empty save 5 cubicles, a few sinks, some soap dispensers, papertowels and a mirror.
“I don’t see why people have to be so mean just cause Taylor and the rest had high voices when MMMBop came out. God they just piss me off so much, why can’t I just love whatever I want, is there something so wrong with that?” she was saying, stomping around. The other girl just sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a papertowel.
“Just remember” she said, grabbing her friends arms away from her eyes. “I don’t want either of us to ever, ever think that we lost anything by loving them. Everything we did for them, and because of them, was worth it. Never forget that”
“I know Jess. Just sometimes it gets so hard”
“I know, I know. But it’s worth it, ain’t it?”
Just like before, the bathroom and girls disappeared and Zac was now standing next to Mariana at what appeared to be a concert. Well, judging from the mass of screaming girls it was.
“Study them closely Zachary” she yelled in his ear. “You and your brothers are about to come out”
Zac turned towards the brunette on his right and watched her facial expression turn from an anxious waiting expression to one of complete joy. Shrieks went up from every mouth there-except the brunette. She just sat, clenching the armrests.
“I’ve been wishing for this moment for three years now” she whispered to herself. “And now it’s finally come true”
She sat stock still before rising slowly and joining the swaying throng, singing along.
“You can see through but you can’t get to the inside…” the lyrics and screams slowly faded away and Zac breathed in the smell of alcohol. He was in another bedroom. Standing in front of a cracked mirror was a fourteen year old, attempting to cover a black eye with concealer and powder. She swiped at a tear which was making a trail down her face, smudging her poor makeup job.
“Damnit” she muttered before throwing down the cosmetics and picking up her stereo remote, skipped to track three. The beginning cymbals to “Weird” began to waft out of the speakers. She laid down on her bed and sobbing, talked quietly to herself.
“He didn’t mean it, stop crying Jenn, he’s just drunk. You know when he’s sober he’ll be sorry, until he gets drunk and does it again, stop crying Jenn it’s just making it worse” she sighed and shook away her tears before lying still for a few seconds.
“I’m so tired” she yawned, listening to the music. Zac waited for whatever was about to happen next. “You guys always did seem to know what I was thinking. Don’t know where I’d be without you” she mumbled as her eyes closed and her breathing became more relaxed.
The bedroom vaporized and Zac found himself back in the white room, Mariana next to him.
“Is that it?”
“That was only half of it. That was the good you give to people. Now for what would’ve happened if you had killed yourself”
Mariana took his hand and lead him towards another door on the opposite side of the room. Black paint had been chipped off and littered the floor.
“Why does this feel like the Muppets Christmas Carol?” he muttered before she pulled him through.

* * * * *
I’d give anything to hear half your breath
* * * * *

“Zachary, do you recognize her?”
“Yeah, sure. She was the first person we visited” Zac replied. They were back in the light yellow bedroom that was occupied by the laptop girl. Just like last time, she was typing on her computer. Zac walked over and sat down beside her, reading what she typed in her newsletter this time
“ ‘I don’t want you to cry and weep, whoa hoah, cause in your heart you have all of our good times’-With You In Your Dreams. Zac’s spirit will remain in the hearts and souls of Hanson fans everywhere. Zachary Walker Hanson, we will miss you and love you forever” tears rolled down her face, splashing the grey keyboard as she typed. Zac stood up and faced Mariana.
“Let’s go” he asked, not liking this.
“Oh Zachary, we’re not done yet. Next stop is the school hallway” she grabbed his arm and in front of Zac was the same scene as before.
“Look, I’d like to apologize about what I said the other day. You know, about Taylor. Sorry what happened” the ringleader said to the same two girls who were dressed all in black-except for the green Hanson bracelets on their right arms.
“Thank you” they said quietly together. The bully turned and walked away just one of the girl’s shoulders began to shake. The other put her hands around her friend and hugged her tight. Zac turned away, not wanting to see anymore.
“Come on Zachary, only two more stops” Mariana whispered, linking her arm in his.

* * * * *
It’s not that I can’t live without you, it’s just that I don’t even want to try
* * * * *

The concert girl sat in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth and clutching a teddy bear.
“Katie, please speak to us…Katie, please” a woman with a tightly drawn face pleaded to the brunette.
“I think it’s time we called a psychiatrist” said a balding man.
“Just give her a few more days…you have to understand what a big loss this is” the woman whispered.
“Karen, it’s already been a week!”
“Thomas, just a few more days, please”
Zac looked into the brunette’s eyes and turned away feeling sick. They had looked so vacant and empty.
“Almost done Zachary. I’ve saved the worst for last”
“Please, just hurry”
Mariana didn’t answer, just slipped her hand into Zac’s and like all other times the girl in the rocking chair and her parents disappeared. This time Zac was in Jenn’s room. The girl with the black eye and the drunk father. The guy who had abused her.
She was sitting on her floor, candles surounding her. With You In Your Dreams was on repeat in the stereo. Jenn looked up and her face was tear streaked just like all the other girls Zac had seen.
“How could you?” she said, her voice filled with pain. “You were my only hope. You were my only inspiration. You were the only thing that kept me alive Zachary Walker Hanson. You stood in the rain with me. You watched over me when it was dark and stormy. You let me climb fences and fly on eagles. You set me free Zachary and now you’ve gone and left me. Well now I guess I will just have to come find you” she pulled out a bottle and gulped down the whole bottle of pills similar to the ones Zac had swallowed earlier. She changed songs to “Weird” and looked up at the four page poster of Zac she had above her bed. “See you in heaven Zachary Walker Hanson” she smiled sadly and closed her eyes.
“Please can we go now, please” Zac pleaded. Mariana nodded understandingly and took his hand. Less than a second later they were back in the white room they had started out in.
“What do you think?” she asked.
“Please give me a second chance” Zac jumped up and put his hands on her shoulders.
“Well…”
“Please? For the fans. I don’t want that to happen”
Mariana sighed.
“Alright Zachary Walker Hanson, but just this once. Do it again and you won’t have the option of coming back. The only way you’ll be going is down” she smiled at him and a bright light flashed in his eyes.

* * * * *
In the darkest places is when our prayers get answered
* * * * *

“Zac! Zac come on, Zac!” a voice called. The bathroom door was slammed open and standing in the doorway was Isaac.
“We’ve got work to do” Zac jumped up and hugged his big brother, breathing in the smell of Isaac. This move was unusual and Ike stood startled before he put his arms around his brother, hugging him back.
“What was that for?” Ike asked.
“Oh, just ‘cause” Zac replied, grinning.
“Now, we’ve got a lot of work to finish for the fans” Isaac continued.
“Well I think I’ve figured out what I was doing wrong with that drum bit…” Zac said, turning off the light and following his brother out of the room.