The Purity of Mind Test

Test your purity of mind

Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes", then click "submit".

Oh, the Possibilities of…

Have you ever thought or commented, "People look better in dim light"?
Have you ever thought about buying a car specifically because it had a very large backseat?
Have you ever considered buying decorated underwear?
Because you wanted more than one person to see it?
Have you ever considered all the possibilities of an empty doorframe?
A wall?
Have you ever thought about all the possibilities of baby oil?
Do you immediately think "69" when you see the astrological symbol for Cancer?
Have you ever thought about all the possibilities for swords?
Do you find the "Plastics" slogan really dirty ("Consider the possibilities of plastic" and "Plastic—it makes it possible")?
Have you ever considered ears or noses to have potential?
Have you ever compared a rainy day to a prostitute (see Jack Whyte’s "The Singing Sword")?
Have you ever put the cap on your pen and taken it back out several times in a row?
Do you understand why we asked that question?

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of…

Do you think "The Lonely Goatherd" is really dirty?
Do you think "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" is suggestive?
Do you think "Under the Boardwalk" is more than a little suggestive?
Do you think "It Takes Two" is dirty?
Do you think that’s dirtier than "It Takes Three"?
Were you younger than ten when you first heard, "Let’s Talk About Sex"?
Have you ever felt seduced by someone’s voice (this does not have to be in song)?
Do you find the phrase "else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular" (courtesy TS Eliot) VERY dirty?
Do you think "I’ve Got a Lov-e-ly Bunch of Coconuts" is dirty?
Do you think "Fields of Gold" is about sex?
Does "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" remind you of masturbation?
Have you ever improved the lyrics to a really dirty song (i.e. made them worse)?
Have you ever described or thought of the coda of a song as its orgasm?

The Opposite of Sex (Or Not!)

Had you figured out the plot to "Indecent Proposal" before you knew what it was?
Had you ever considered doing this yourself?
Do you relate REALLY well to characters in Kevin Smith movies?
Have you ever gone to a movie because you heard your favorite actor/actress appeared naked in it?
Do you enjoy Monty Python?
Do you watch Loveline?
Do you look for the sexual parts in Disney cartoons (WATCH the "priest" in "The Little Mermaid")?
Have you ever enjoyed the "Rocky Horror Picture Show"?
So much so that you watched it no less than 10 times?
In 24 hours?
Do you find that most of the movies you enjoy are rated R or NC-17?

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! (What did you do with that one?)

Do you frequently imply more experience (non-sexual) than you actually have?
Do you frequently imply more experience (sexual) than you actually have?
Have you ever lied to yourself?
Have you ever told a white lie?
Have you ever told a BIG lie?

Happy Talking, Talking, Happy Talk

Do you like to say "Blow Pop"?
Do you like to say "Egyptian Ratscrew"?
Do you love the word "connotation"?
Do people frequently ask you for advice on "how to do it," even if you have an obvious relative lack of experience?
Do you give thorough answers?
Have you ever been called a slut or something similar merely because of how dirtily you talk?
Have you ever made up cuss words?
And given them meanings (I wanna fark you right now!)?
Have you ever thought up such weird things to do you had to invent new words to describe them?
Have you ever been dirty talking while engaged in sexual activities and become so involved that you stopped doing stuff?
Have you ever corrupted someone else’s morals (we mean by talking to them, but if other things accompanied this, that’s okay)?
Have you ever meowed?
Have you ever made animals-having-sex noises?
Have you ever made up tongue-twisters about alcohol or sex?
Have you ever taught dirty phrases in other languages?
Have you ever taught non-English speakers to say dirty things in English?
Claiming that they mean something other than what they really do?
Have you ever, in any circumstances, made sounds as though you were having an orgasm?

Friendly Conversations

Have you ever come up with weird clubs relating to sexuality that are unique to your clique (ex. Never Been Kissed Club or the Been Kissed Too Much Club [like that actually exists])?
Have you ever been involved in a conversation about the ultimate phallic symbol?
Have you ever made jokes about rigor mortis?
Have you ever had a discussion about castration?
Genital mutilation?
Have you ever played a game which involved telling people almost everything you’ve done?
With virtual strangers?
Oh, the possibilities of this one. (if you get it, click it.)
Have you ever had a substantial conversation about necrophilia (just watching "Clerks" doesn’t count)?

All By My(Your)self

Have you ever come up with names for perverse forms of masturbation?
Have you ever considered upholstrification (hint: it’s the arm of the sofa, not the sofa itself; if you can’t figure it out, go take the Virgin’s Test)?
Rock-a-philia?
Have you ever been alone in your house and REALLY pondered things to do with your pet?

What You See Is What You Get

Are you a confessed voyeur?
Have you been told—with any frequency—that you’re a voyeur?
Are you vaguely afraid of large, pointed objects or really big holes in the ground?
Are you intrigued by them (you can answer yes to both questions)?
Do you think mountains look like breasts (the Grand Tetons)?
Do you cringe when you see a turkey baster (if you don’t know, don’t worry!)?
Do you smile when you see one?
Do you think "Ouch, that would hurt" when you see cobblestone streets?
Do you think popped long balloons look suspiciously like condoms?
Have you ever actively watched your friends engaging in sexual activities?
Your parents?
Did it turn you on—your parents, that is (Jean says ewwww)?
Do you think of Greek sculptures when you see leaves?
Do you get aroused merely by the sight of a school bus?
When you see glass bottles, do you immediately think they’re beer bottles?

Sounds That Go Bump in the Night

Have you ever listened to your friends engaging in sexual activities?
Your parents?
Did it turn you on?

I Fought the Law… Well, I Thought About It

Have you ever REALLY pondered incest (given it deep thoughts, not necessarily fantasized)? (Jean says ewwwwww again)
Not been completely disgusted?
Have you ever wished you were a prostitute (girl) or pimp (male)?
Have you ever wished you were a prostitute (male) or pimp (female)?
Have you ever considered smoking tea (e.g., Earl Grey, Breakfast, etc.)?
Have you ever considered stealing something small?
Have you ever considered stealing something big ($50+)?
Have you ever planned how you would steal massively (i.e., a deliberate scheme about robbing a company or bank)?
Have you ever pondered ways to kill other people?
Your parents?
Have you ever decided what your favorite sin is?

Tsk, Tsk…

Have you ever wanted to drink JUST so your inhibitions would be lowered?
Have you ever wanted to get somebody else drunk for the same reason?
Have you ever wanted to work in a bar just to pick people up?
Have you ever been mad because the elevator was glass?
Did you understand that question?
Have you ever been PLEASED because the elevator was glass (exhibitionist!)?
Do you immediately assume someone bought a water mattress for sexual purposes?
Have you ever considered just how much you would give/trade for sex?
In business meetings or at school, do you often have to stop yourself from saying, "That is SO dirty" about something which is completely unrelated to sex?
Do you think its okay to have more than one sexual partner in a year?
In six months?
In a month?
In a week?
In a day?
Do you think cohabitation and suchlike is not immoral?
Do you not have morals?
Do you not have limits (i.e. how far WOULD you go [or not])?
Have you ever really wanted to have a one night stand?
A purely physical relationship?
Does your dream date go something along the lines of the back of a car in an empty parking lot?
Have you ever considered stealing your parents’ condoms?
Have you ever wanted to get your tongue pierced just so you could stick it out at people or to improve oral sex/french kissing?
Have you ever done crunches or suchlike with entirely sexual purposes in mind (this doesn’t include improving attraction; we mean so you could DO things)?
Have you ever lusted after someone else without their knowledge?
Have you ever wanted to be a stripper (in theatrical performances counts, e.g. "Gypsy")?
Have you ever decided to go to a school or accept a job just because you were attracted to a person (people) you saw there?

Yummy, Yummy, in My…

When given a piece a cake, do you JUST eat the icing and leave the cake?
Did you understand why we asked that question?
When eating, do you often find yourself imagining the food on someone else?
Do you think blowing bubble gum bubbles is flirtatious?
Do you think licking lollipops is flirtatious?
Do you often think of sex in terms of food (get the first one now)?

Dirty Subconscious (Freud Jr.)

Do you like Freud?
Do you think he was a saint?
Have you ever used him to justify your opinions or beliefs?
Do you find yourself making frequent Freudian slips in your hearing (ex. "Making Love Is Hard to Do" instead of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do")?
Do you lick your lips when referring to your significant other?
Have you ever considered majoring in or have you majored in sexual psychology or something similar?
Have you ever been diagnosed with an "oral" or "anal" fixation?
Have you ever had an arousing dream?
Have you ever had a dream involving yourself in some form of sexual activity?
Have you ever had a dream that did not necessarily include yourself, but did include a friend in some form of sexual activity?
A parent?
Someone you’re attracted to?
A movie/theatre/rock star?
A teacher or short/long-term instructor?
Someone more than twice your age?
Someone less than half your age?
Yourself and someone of a gender you’re not normally attracted to (or both at once if you’re bi)?
Have you ever dreamed about a three-way?
Have you ever had a strange, random, or specific reaction to the mention or idea of sex (gag, giggle, get hard, eyes water, etc.)?

Fun & Games—Miscellaneous Bad Thinking and Behavior

Have you ever wanted the lead in a school play or other production primarily because you wanted to kiss the other lead?
Do you really wonder about the people who invented those lollipop things that turn, or "Scribble pens" which jiggle so your writing will look really different?
Have you ever gone somewhere and said, "I would really like to have sex here"?
And told that to someone you were attracted to?
Do you read Shakespeare for the dirty parts?
Have you ever read "classical" porn (e.g. D.H. Lawrence)?
Have you ever read less-than-classical porn (e.g. Danielle Steele)?
Have you ever played dirty Scrabble?
Have you ever made up a drinking game?
Have you ever categorized sex in some fashion (lust means…, making love means…)?

Do you like slinky or skin-tight clothes?

Instant Response Section—If you get it, mark, "yes"

"He was playing solitaire"?
"Do you want to eat out with me sometime?" (but I don’t know you that well!!)?
"You’re good at this"?
Perpendicular?
Come out?
Swallow?
Carpet burns?
"Something smells fishy in here"?
Hot dogs?
Frozen (hot dogs, that is)?
Coke bottles?
Glue sticks?
Three?
Head (not the one attached to your neck)?
Lips (not on your mouth)?
Swords?
White/wet T-shirts?
Leather?
Fingers?
Hair?
"How long have I been asleep?"?
"Is that your belly button?"?
"What are you doing?"?

Parts of Speech: Part One—Interrogatives (still instant response)

Who?
What?
Where?
Where (yes, we put this one in twice intentionally)?
When?
How?
Why?
"Right there?"?

Part Two—Interjections

"Ouch!"?
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Stop!"
"Don’t stop!"
"Don’t touch me there!"
"Please!"
"Get up!"

Part Three—Playing With Prepositions (please don’t try this on a playground [at least when there are children around])

In?
Out?
Between?
Up?
Down?
Through?
Outside?
Upside down?
With?
On?

Sci-fi/Fantasy

If you’re straight, have you ever REALLY thought about being gay (or vice versa—if you’re bi, we KNOW your mind isn’t clean [this isn’t an insult, by the way])?
Do you find yourself thinking (occasionally), "Wow! I hadn’t thought about doing it there!"?
Did you come up with at least two interpretations for that question (think "Mallrats"—back of a Volkswagen or what he REALLY means)?
Have you ever wished you had been in your 20s in the 1960s/70s just so you could participate in the sexual revolution?
So you could get LOTS of drugs?
Have you ever used toys to act out your fantasies?
Have you ever looked at someone and pictured them naked?
Do you do this every time you meet someone?
Have you ever experienced the awkward sensation of trying to hold a normal conversation with someone while simultaneously having sexual fantasies about them?
Have you ever had extensive fantasies about threesomes?
About orgies?
As religious rituals?
Have you ever wondered how many really CAN go into one?
Have you ever wanted to be a doctor or a nurse just to see people naked?
Have you ever wanted to go to the beach JUST to see people with small amounts of clothing on?
Have you ever fantasized about a long-term instructor?
Short-term instructor?
Someone twice your age?
Someone half your age?
Do you imagine your friends engaging in sexual activities?
Do you imagine your parents having sex?
Have you ever pondered how fantastical creatures (fairies, dragons, gorgons, etc.) would have sex?

Okay, That’s Just Weird

Have you ever hoped for a candlelight dinner so your date wouldn’t see you jerk off?
Are more than 80% of your thoughts or 50% of your conversation related to sex?
Have you ever considered ways to kill yourself?
Straight guys and lesbians: Have you ever been really horny because your girlfriend had her period? Straight girls and male homosexuals: Have you ever stroked phallic symbols (Yes we realize these two questions are unrelated, but we had to make it fair)?
Do you have to restrain yourself to keep from touching strangers?
Do you have any kind of sexual attachment to an object (Macarena bears, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, etc.)?
Do you have any kind of sexual attachment to a piece of jewelry (engagement rings count)?
Have you ever REALLY wanted to wear clothes of the opposite gender?
Do you have a fetish of any kind?
For a body part of a gender you’re attracted to?
Have you ever given (or had someone give to you) a body part a name (e.g. "my foot’s name is Fred")?
One you can't show in public?
Do you believe that all people masturbate?

Pure As Snow (Note the pollutants in most snow nowadays)

Have you taken any purity test (combos or the same one) more than five times?
In rapid succession (i.e. within the same day)?
More than ten times (not necessarily on the same day)?
Have you ever written a purity test (only purity tests count, not weirdness tests, unless they were sexual or drug purities)?
Do you never have to look at the explanations for some of the most perverse activities on the Purity Tests?
Have you ever had a contest to see who had the lowest purity test scores?
To see whose score could drop the quickest?
Have you ever used a purity test as a wish list?
Have you ever used a purity test as a checklist of things to do?
Do you intend to use your score on this test as a pick-up?

Brought to you by the same warped minds who created The Actor's Purity Test.

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