If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

Man is the king of his castle . A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches.
Still think you're a man?

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind:
aisle, altar, hymn.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather
... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stop laughing

Any man who says can see right through a woman is sure missing a lot

After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse, it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say ?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics !

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Then when you do criticize them,
you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

Did you hear Al Gore is running for president?
His slogan? "Only Tipper gets in MY zipper"

I once got beat up while fighting for a girl's honor...She wanted to keep it.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way

Urologists never have to advertise:
They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.

If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do medical "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Did you know that Bill Gates bought the rights to Viagra?
He renamed it MICROHARD.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity

Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana

Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.

Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!

A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probaly lies about other things too.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear!

As I said befor, I never repeat myself.

Women don't make fools of men -
most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

One good turn gets most of the blankets

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Radar spelled backwards is radar.
They get you coming and going.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

If you think the way to a man's heart
is through his stomach , you're aiming too high

Now that the impeachment trial is over
Washington officials have removed the
yellow police tape from around Bill Clinton's pants

There are two rules for success in life:
ONE : Don't tell people everything you know.
TWO :_______________________________________

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

My Grandmother is eighty and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight out of the carton.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You can always tell an intelligent person...Their opinion is the same as yours.

Marriage is an institution in which
a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.

Nudist Camp sign :
Sorry, Clothed for Winter.

What do you have if you've got
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton in the same room?
Two Boobs and a country singer

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

You remind me of opium...a slow working dope.

Failure is not an option!
It comes bundled with the software.

If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I think she walked through the stupid forest
and got hit by every branch.

What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog?
An Iraqi.

Did you hear that the Stop And Shop grocery chain merged with the A & P?
now they call it the...Stop & P.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered now.

You can tell your getting old when:
all the names in your little black book end in MD

if you want to have a friend
you have to be a friend

Marriage is grand...
divorce is about 10 grand.

Father talking to his son:
"Son, you should never lie.
One lie begets another lie, then another lie,
and before you know it, you're a lawyer."

last night, the sex was so good
that even the neighbours had a cigarette

To all you virgins:
Thanks for nothing.

Answering Machine Recording:
"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line.
Please press one
...Now press the other one."

RETIREMENT:
That marvelous time of life when the sun rises and you don't.

What sexual position do you use to have an ugly baby?
Ask your parents.

if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back

Some days you're the dog,
some days you're the hydrant."

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The probability that the piece of toast will land jelly side down is in direct proportion to the value of the carpet.

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

This day was a total waste of makeup.

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married...
Every month the centerfold is the same woman.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend
...Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read

"It takes many nails to build crib,
but only one screw to fill it."

Did you know that all great lovers have bad memories ?
...Or did I tell you that already ?

"It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need
and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."

My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done,
so now I just have to fill in the rest.

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception

The brain is a wonderful organ;
it starts working the moment you get up in the morning
and doesn't stop until you get to work

A friend of mine has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face

I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious !

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied,
"Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

All I got for Christmas was a sweater...
I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people
what you really think of them.

What is the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.

Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!

Even a broken watch is right twice a day

If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you...

NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant."
It won't work and they can't fire it.

I only lie when the truth don't fit

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat today.
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Familiarity breeds children.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

The road to to success is always under construction.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

It's great to be in my current company's employ.
They offer excellent benefits, competitive pay, and a work-free smokeplace

If at first you don't succeed, re-define success

What do you call a blonde who's found dead in a closet?
The 1989 Hide and Seek Champion. Will the year 2000 Volkswagon be known as the Y2K Bug?

I think Microsoft has gone too far...
Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

Life is a Lambourghini: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest ?

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

Women like silent men...they think they're listening.

Marriage is nature's way of stopping people from fighting with strangers.

The more things change, the more they stay insane

There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.'

"Getting caught is the mother of invention."

"I have decided to live forever or die in the attempt."

If you must lie, be brief.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It may take a village to raise a child.
But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

"Winning is not everything, but the effort to win is."

True Love is a friendship set on fire.

We all came on different ships, but we are in the same boat now.

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

"Reality is an illusion caused by an alcohol deficiency"

When life gives me lemons, I make a whiskey sour and go to bed.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife.

"Sometimes the majority means that all of the fools are on the same side."

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name...

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How can I trust my bank to be ready for Y2K ?
They can't even make the time and temperature sign work properly.

Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for!

If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.

My next house will have no kitchen.... just vending machines.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."

Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

Guitar, for sale, cheap, no strings attached.

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Wise men talk because they have something to say,
Fools talk because they have to say something."

A man usually feels better after a few winks...especially if she winks back !

Forbidden fruit has caused many a bad jam.

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

The perfect gift for people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage.

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television."

You can't change a man . . . unless he's in diapers!

Never let your man's mind wander.... it's too small to be let out alone

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Life is full of uncertainties...of course, I could be wrong about that.

"They say it's never too late to learn to play the piano,
but at 2 a.m., I really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed."

My wife is on a well-known diet plan... so far she's lost $300.

My love life is such a disaster...last night the Red Cross showed up.

Everyone is gifted. Some just open the package sooner.

The most common pregnancy craving is for men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2 ?

Hindsight shows you how a mistake looks from the rear.

"Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work."

"I'm dating a guy who's twenty-one. That's seven in boy years."

To err is human ... to rub it in is divine.

My boss says I could be replaced by a machine...funny, that's what my wife says.

More people should be bisexual. After all, it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Very few things upset my wife.
It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent husbands?
It's called Nut'n Raisin Honey !

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent ?

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

If you love your job, you will never work another day in your life

God made pot. Man made beer...Who do you trust ?

Did ya hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video?
She noticed that the people on the video weren't losing weight either.

What's more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in a Volkswagen ?'
'Getting a woman pregnant in a Volkswagen.'

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night...then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

Never pick a quarrel, even when it's ripe.

You can't control the length of you life...
but you can control the width and depth.

If you can't be kind... be kind'a vague.

If you want to end your life with a fine finish, drink varish.

Nobody's perfect... and since I'm a nobody...

People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

Someday, we'll look back on all this... and plow into a parked car.

It often shows a fine command of the English language, to say nothing..

Eat, drink & re-marry.

"Credit cards are very dangerous.
Every time I try to use one, somebody starts chasing me with scissors."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, ...come sit next to me. "

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
...then the mud fell off.

Bosses are like legs...
When they get to the top, they become asses.

To me, good exercise is soaking in a tub, pulling the plug, and fighting the current !

In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.

The most common greeting in Florida: How's the hip ?

I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Lawyer's creed: a man is innocent until proven broke.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race ?

Who am I calling "stupid?" I don't know. What's your name ?

Gravity always gets me down.

One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets

My wife says I'm too nosey...
at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Some people manage by the book,
even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

If all is not lost, where is it ?

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale.
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home

It's strange, isn't it?
Stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you.
But do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.

I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed.

I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Ancient Romans could tell time by looking at the sun.
but I've never been able to make out the numbers.

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day...
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The probability of forgetting something is directly proportional to ....
to .... uh .... oh never mind

Cannibals won't eat divorced women...they're very bitter.

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee alot."

Why do they call it a One Night Stand when you're horizontal most of the time ?

It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !

Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit.

A diet is a weigh of life.

Life is like a burrito - if it's really good, you won't need a knife.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is ten grand.

"A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers."

Women are like pianos...
When they're not upright, they're grand.

I believe I have "furniture disease".
My chest has fallen into my drawers.

television is called a medium
because it is neither rare nor well done.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.

Dijon vu: the feeling you've had this mustard before.

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.

Never say never... unless you're using this cliché.

All men are homeless, but some are home less than others.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

The trouble with trouble is that it starts out as fun."

Luck is a lazy person's estimate of a worker's success.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

I'm not fat...I am a nutritional overachiever

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating...always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If tennis players get tennis elbow, do gynecologists get Tunnel vision ?

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

"Buffet". A French word that means "Get up & get it yourself !"

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it."

I AM in shape... Round is a shape.

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

"A friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out."

"Coincidence is when God works a miracle and chooses to remain anonymous."

"There is no right way to do a wrong thing."

"A man can fail many times but he isn't a failure until he begins to balme somebody else."

"Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants too."

"Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't think you've done a permanent job."

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Do you have to go into rehab if you are hooked on phonics ?

My wife is so ugly...
a cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

I've spent a lot of money on booze, babes and cars
the rest, I just squandered.

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Join the I.R.S. -- Be Audit You Can Be

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Sign seen in a bar:
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside ?

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

I married for money and I earned every dime of it.

My body is a temple...with ample parking in the rear.

"I Always Wanted To Be Somebody, But I Should Have Been More Specific."

You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.

"Ideas are like beards; men do not have them until they grow up."

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I tried to backup my hard drive, but I couldn't find reverse

"Two blondes walked into a building...You'd think one of them would have seen it."

"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading."

"The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson
is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him."

They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it ?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy ?

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About ?

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players !

It's not a shortage of judges that causes the problems in our courts;
it's the excess of lawyers.

I think politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disapointment"
when the package came, the box was empty

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
... it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

Can someone tell me where on my marriage license I can find the expiration date ?

"Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old... Squash their toes with your rocker."

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes ?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

I am having an out of money experience.

He doesn't get even... he gets odder.

I don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.

I joined health spa recently.
They had a sign that said "free weights." So I took a couple.

Banks keep going out of their way to give me credit.
...And for that, I am deeply indebted.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop !

Life is like a shower - one wrong move and your in hot water.

The best way to succeed in life is to start from scratch and keep scratching.

Dead owls don't give a hoot.

The hardest thing in life is to do nothing - 'cause you never know when your finished.

Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can swim.

You can't plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.

No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides.

The difference between bathing suits now and then are that the bathing suits
from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt.
The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

You know you live in a small town when the guy at the local convenience store speaks English.

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages ?
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.

My wife says she enjoys my company...
it's a good thing I own it

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."
I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

If I want a taste of religion, I'll bite a minister.

When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies ?

When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I do not have an attitude problem.You have a perception problem.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights !

Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.

My wife gives me sound advice.
That's 99% sound and 1% advice.

My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips

As I said before, I never repeat myself !

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

I did not get my degree in the custodial arts just to be called a janitor.

You know you're getting old when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

I'm secretly a closet claustrophobic

"Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village."

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

If the United States starts using the metric system
will blind people have to use Litre dogs ?

Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged.
He asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Ax me about Ebonics

Q: How is a blonde like a doornob ?
A: Everyone gets a turn.

A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

9 out of ten men said they preferred women with large breasts.
The remaining man said he preferred any one of the other 9.......

What is 6 feet long and smells like urine ?
A line dance at a nursing home

Support your local Search and Rescue Unit...get lost !

He was a very clumsy lover...
so the girl had to put him in her place.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Dyslexics have more nuf

Clones are people, two

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Look out for #1...Don't step in #2 either.

"I'm making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die.
It's call my 'oughtobiography' ."

Last night a hole was blown in the wall of Police Headquarters.
Police are looking into it.

Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass ?

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

"You're so ugly , you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on !"

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha

Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together ?
To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons ?

If you don't kiss your wife goodbye when you leave the house
you can kiss your house goodbye when your wife leaves you

Did you hear about the device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
.... it fits right over her mouth.

Did You hear about Micheal Jackson's new TV show ?
It's called "Touched By An Uncle"

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

"Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it,
but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get."

A man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

I had amnesia once or twice... I think.

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.

A woman makes a wonderful companion, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I am glad that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

Editing is a rewording activity

"If stupidity was painful, you'd be in agony."

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. "

If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain ... and most do."

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't."

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?

Sex is not the answer.....Sex is the question..."Yes" is the answer.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have stayed married to a jerk for the rest of your life.

If those NASA scientists are so smart, why do they all count backwards?

Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do.

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

Love doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents!

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either one of them.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia!

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is, that you never get to prove it.

Seen on Taxi's bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash. He's married.

Fault finding is like window washing. All the dirt seems to be on the other side.

The sad truth is, there is not a man for every woman. That's why god invented sex toys.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.

"Consultant: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date."

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."

Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid.

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

"If I had any humility, I'd be perfect."

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call wasn't important to them.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

My computer says I have an "I.D Ten T error"...it keeps saying "ID10T"

"Sex -- The poor man's polo."

I was a dude before marrying. Now I'm subdued.

Why don't you stick your face in some dough, and make gorilla cookies?

Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory!

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

"An apology is the superglue of life: it can repair just about anything."

I have a million dollar figure...but it's all loose change!

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects. Whenever I mention sex, they object."

Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Love is grand - divorce is ten grand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

If God had wanted us to be ashamed of our nudity, he would have given us bigger hands.

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex . . . no matter what she's reading."

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, you won't have a leg to stand on.

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

Behavior is a mirror in which everyone displays his image.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything, was last year.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's OK with you.

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family . . . in another city."

When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started?

You must have been gifted as a child. No one would have paid for you.

Life is what's coming....not what was.

Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

Success stops when you do.

No one can ruin your day without your permission.

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

"An unfinished thought is like a day without..."

God loves stupid people, that's why he made so many men!

My family puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional.

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Home is where you can say anything you like – 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

There's nothing wrong with gluttony, providing you don't overdo it.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Worry is interest payed on trouble before it comes due.

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience!

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic...except for my friends deep inside the earth."

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

When men send flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

Anger destroys the vessel from which it is stored, not the object on which it is poured.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I need my sinuses like I need a hole in the head.

"A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience."

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously ?

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals ... I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand.

"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

Failure takes the path of least persistence.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

"You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."

Show me a child who doesn't play with toys,
and I'll show you a father who's not done with them yet.

"Shoot for the moon...and even if you miss, you'll still be aimed at the stars"

If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just say to myself, "why did they believe me"?

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer everyone else up."

"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."

"Thanks for being a small, unnecessary part of my life!

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

"When you get to the end of your rope...tie a knot and swing!"

"Tact is the ability of making other people feel at home....when you wish they were."

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

My insurance salesman doesn't bother me anymore since I took out a $100,000 life insurance policy on him.

People are living longer nowadays because when the "Angel of Death" calls, he generally gets an answering machine.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Always forgive your enemies ... Nothing annoys them so much.

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

No brain is stronger than its weakest think.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs... I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

Where there's smoke...there's dinner

Worry often gives a small thing a large shadow.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Never entrust your life to a surgeon with more than three Band-Aids on his fingers.

If you have nothing good to say about someone, go on an afternoon talk show and say it anyway.

What did people do to cause accidents before cell phones?

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

There is no remedy for sex...except more sex.

"Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts."

We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

Success comes in cans...Failure comes in can'ts.

"A man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them."

"Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy"

When I'm home, my wife is my right hand. When she's gone, my right hand is my wife

I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.