By Kirsten
Copyright 1999
The next week passed by with all of the slowness of the dark winter nights. Kid formed the pattern of sitting beside the fire every night, reading and acting as if he wasn't upset or trying to crowd his wife. Daily he hoped that she would come to him and talk...talk about anything, even as simple as the weather. But instead she sat outside until the early hours of the morning, and when she came inside she would sleep on the small couch in the tiny living room. Kid would go to bed as normal, always leaving room for Lou if she decided to join him, outwardly saying that she never would, but inwardly hoping that her perfect figure would appear.
Lou remained out in the darkness as long as she could not ever sure what she was wanting to gain from it, but too afraid to step inside. She reached down and touched her stomach, noticing that it was now slowly growing...and that it would only be a matter of time before anyone would notice. She couldn't keep it a secret forever.
Images of Joey would pass through her mind. The visions of young men dying and the fear that she held of the men that had tried to attack her. It was from those moments on that she realized just how much she needed her family, and mostly Kid. When she told him what had happened to her, she knew that he would become livid and want to lash out. And even though she knew that it only meant that he cared, she didn't want it.
She wanted to prove that she could take care of herself, and that despite the poor choice she had made it had been her own. The mistakes thereof also a result of her actions. It didn't make it better, but Lou knew that the mission had forced her to grow...forced her to realize that she wanted Kid to be the supporter of her and any "little ones" that came along. She wanted to be the wife and the mother. All of these years since she left the orphanage she had felt as though she had to prove herself to the world. Now was the time to relinquish that burning desire to control everything and allow her husband to share the responsibility of living with her.
But then, the worse opposing force still clung close...her pride.
Kid watched his wife sit out on the fence watching the sunrise and knew it could take it no longer. The passion and fears that had welled inside of him for so long had to be released. He admitted to himself that he was not man enough to act on them and go out there to her...so the only other move he could make would be to leave. This was one fight that he would not submit to. He’d done everything that he could possibly imagine to try to bring some sign of life back into her, but it was a two way path. Kid realized that until she was ready to come to him as well that there was no hope. He would leave some way for her to contact him, wherever he ended up.
It was almost too late to join in the war, and with the things he had seen over the past few weeks, he realized that he wanted no part of it. Maybe it was time that he took up something else...establishing the ranch that he had always wanted. Or even it seemed that Teaspoon had mentioned the need for a sheriff in Dodge City, and this could be the perfect opportunity.
Happy with his unhappy decision, Kid began to throw his various belongings on the bed. He would only take what he could carry with him. The rest would be left for Lou. To him there was no point in keeping those things that they had purchased together. They would only be a constant and painful reminder of the life and future dreams that they had shared.
With the lightning preparation speed of former Express days, Kid had his clothes gathered and was about to tie his saddle bags together when he heard a loud thud and broken sound from downstairs. He raced out the door, and into the kitchen where he knew that Rachel would probably be preparing her nightly cooking feast of some sort of desert. But instead he was oddly surprised to see Lou struggling to pick up the pieces of a broken jar and hastily reaching for another flour bin.
Kid started to step out from the shadow to help her, but for some reason he was forced to stop. There was something about her that was different, yet he couldn’t figure it out. She moved slower, and with more effort. Her figure was more filled out and she seemed almost awkward with her own body. The small groan in pain was what caught his attention and snapped him back to his original mission of the good Samaritan.
“Lou, let me help you with that,” Kid said softly, as if he were cooing to a small child begging to get close before they ran away.
Her eyes lit up momentarily, but were barely able to be seen by the dim lighting of the stove’s fire. She had almost wished that Kid would come down those stairs, she wanted to tell him everything. But somehow there was a feeling of terror that rose over her and she insecurely pulled at her shirt, knowing that if he got too close, he would be able to tell that something was different.
“I’ve got it,” her voice broke, while her will begged to go with it, “thanks.” Lou cleared her throat and prayed that he would not be able to see the tear in her eye.
Kid could almost sense the change in her temperament and hoped that this might be an indication of her willingness to open up and talk to him. Hastily, however, his desire was quickly replaced with the reality that she was not going to be any different than before as soon as she bent down and began doing everything on her own again.
With a brief nod, he turned around and went to the living room. He loved to be in her presence, even if she were not talking to him. Kid was thrilled that she had even taken the step to come inside much earlier than usual.
Lou watched him leave, the stride of his body sending chills down her spine. So many nights she had longed to be held by his strong arms, to feel the muscle of his back against the palms of her hands while her head fit perfectly under his chin. With a sigh of longing, she quietly went up the stairs to change into something that fit more loosely before she continued her grand attempt at cooking once more. It was something that she missed doing, and was glad to see herself take the step towards her normal life once again.
Kid did not even hear her leave the room. He rested his head on the back of the chair, and without feeling the onset of exhaustion, he closed his eyes and fell peacefully to sleep.
When Lou stepped through the door of her room, her eyes were instantly drawn to the bundle on the bed. Her knees nearly gave out as her attention was drawn to the small closet where she realized that nothing remained except for her own clothes.
It all became so clear...Kid was leaving, and soon, he would be gone forever. The fear of once again being alone overcame her and without thinking, she began to stuff some of his belongings under the bed. Doing that wouldn’t necessarily stop him, but it might delay just long enough for her to speak her heart.
It’s now or never, Louise, she scolded herself, so do something about it now before it’s too late.
She reached out for a pair of clean pants, and grabbed one of the warm wool shirts that Kid had placed on the bed. She reached for a brush and smoothed out her hair, realizing that it had been days since she had done so...
Kid was afraid that he was dreaming once again when he felt a soft touch on his face. Often he would wake up in the middle of the night as the wind blew across his cheeks, making him wake suddenly while his heart raced at the thought of Lou. Today, he felt it once again, and dared not open his eyes for fear that the feeling would subside and he would be left to face the misery of her lack of tender love.
Lou smiled as she saw the feint grin on his face at her caress. She had missed the feeling of his roughly shaven face on her fingers, and noticed how much his manly features had developed just in the short year that she had been married to him. It was more than she could comprehend to realize that he would have wanted her...when he was such a handsome man that could have had any beautiful woman in the world. Lou surmised that this was probably one of the insecurities that she had been facing in their relationship all along.
The thought of Kid leaving her seemed far beyond the wildest stretch of her imagination. It was one thing for her to dissolve their relationship, but she realized that the same thing that he was about to do to her was no different than what she had been doing to him. The only difference was that he concealed his hurt much more than she, by her own admittance, ever would have. Lou sat back down on the bed, tears taunted her eyes and she fought them back. Now was not the time to cry. She needed to have strength...strength to let Kid know that he was all she ever wanted.
Lou was about to lean over and place a kiss on his cheek. It would have been the first kiss they had shared since before she had left, and she wondered if it would feel awkward after all this time had passed. But before her dream of him waking up to her sweet touch, she jerked back at the fluttering motion of his eyes.
Ever so slowly he opened his eyes and focused them. He wondered for a long moment if this was some dream that he was slowly waking up from. If it were, he wished it would never end because it was a dream come true.
Kid quickly realized when she opened her mouth that if this had been a dream, he would have awakened by now, so he decided to remain calm and let her make the first move.
“Do you want something to eat?” she asked, in an awkward tone.
Kid nodded, “That would be nice.” He sat up and wiped the sleepiness from his eyes, “I’ll go get something.”
He felt every inch of his arm tingle at her touch, “No, don’t. Stay here, I’ll get it.”
Kid did not know how to react, so he let her have control of this situation...almost wondering if it were a trick. Swiftly she stood up and went down to prepare a small meal. Within a five minutes she was right back, a tray in her hand, and a plate with two biscuits and a small piece of meat sat steaming.
He took the plate and smiled, “Thank you.”
Lou didn’t respond, her thoughts clearly somewhere else. “Kid,” she hesitated.
He looked up at her.
As hard as she tried, Lou couldn’t bring herself to glance into his eyes, so she kept her head pointed down. “I can’t even explain all that’s gone on, and I’m sorry about how things between us have changed. I know they won‘t be the same again, so that‘s why...”
Kid cut her off, much like she had done for most of their relationship. It was always at the perfect moment too. “Lou, you don’t have to explain anything. I’ve already made my decision. I packed all of my bags, and I’m thinking about taking that job Teaspoon offered. So you don’t have to worry. I’ll send you whatever extra money I have.”
Lou took a deep breath in frustration. That was just like Kid...here she was, ready to pour her heart out, and he took the romantic moment and ended it with a huge splat. She rose to her feet. “That wasn’t what I was going to say! I mean...I mean that’s not what I want! I wanted to tell you that I want you to stay. I love you, Kid! I want things to work between us.” She lowered her voice, realizing that she had just said everything that she wanted to say slowly only she had yelled it hastily all at one time. Was she ready to take that step? Or had it just all come out too prematurely?
Her voice grew almost sad, “I just want you to love me again.” She looked up at him, “I want you to forgive me.”
Lou sat in agony at the silence that filled the room. Her eyes darted around nervously, thinking that he would have responded by now if he felt the same way. But she quickly drew conclusions and rose to her feet, taking his silence to be the answer...he didn’t love her anymore. And that was something that she feared and now had to face it as truth.
Turning around, she took a small step towards the door to leave, now feeling very foolish. But then a loud clatter startled her and she turned around just in time to feel a hot biscuit hit her foot and Kid’s arms wrap around every inch of her. He grabbed her so tightly, that she wondered if his embrace had always felt like this, or if it was due to the long period of time that had passed since he had held her.
“Lou, I love you so much,” he choked on his tears and held his hand to the back of her head. “You’ll never know. I want you back. I want you forever.”
At the beautiful sound of his voice and words, Lou reached her arms around him and clutched him as tightly as possible, wanting her body to pass right through his...and thinking that even that wouldn’t be close enough.
After what seemed like hours had passed, she reached for his hand and sat down on the sofa, wanting nothing more than for him to lay beside her and hold her tight. Kid willingly did so, and without even a kiss, they found satisfaction in the touch of each other’s perfectly fitting forms side by side.
Lou felt her eyes growing heavy, and thought that she had drifted off, when Kid’s calm voice spoke to her.
“You know what?” he asked his breath warm against her ear.
“What?” she said softly, the tone of her voice muffled by her mouth being pressed against his neck.
“I think that just holding you and being around you, even without talking, is what I’ve missed the most.”
Lou smiled. She knew that Kid would never abuse her, never use her. Every ounce of him was so sincere and loving. He couldn’t do anything to make her feel insignificant at all, in fact, he treated her like a fragile princess...always.
She leaned up, and with a very slow and cautious motion, she licked her lips and gently moved them towards his. Lou felt her heart flutter, and suddenly felt several years younger and exceptionally more girlish. It was if she were preparing for her first kiss all over again. When her lips met his with a feeling of insecurity, she felt him tremble, as if he were experiencing the same sensation. It was wonderful and frightening at the same time.
And soon, all the feelings of doubt and worries subsided, and the two were lost in their mutual embrace and things were instantly as they once were not so many months before...
On to The Epilogue
