*Ring, ring*
I checked the caller ID before I picked up the phone, hoping that it would be Ike. No such luck. Tony Welch. “Perfect,” I muttered to myself. I reluctantly picked up the phone. “What do you want?”
“You.”
“Too bad.”
“Well…why not!? It’s not like you’re seeing anyone now! Last I checked…he was dead as a fucking doornail!”
I clenched my fists and my knuckles grew white. Through clenched teeth I replied, “You are such a fucking asshole! I can’t wait until you fucking die. I only pray that I will be there to watch you suffer.”
Tony smirked. He was getting me pissed, and he wasn’t about to stop. “Man, you know what’s funny? I didn’t have to kill Taylor after all! I think that is just fucking great! I mean, I still wish I would’ve been able to watch him suffer. But I’m glad to hear you did!”
“Shut the fuck up Tony.” I said, trying to cover the fact that I was crying.
“Well, Tiff, we all know that Taylor was a fucking pitiful loser from the start, so he deserved to die.”
“Pitiful loser!? He did more in his life than you ever will! And you know what? He wasn’t even a dick about absolutely everything! HE didn’t believe the world revolved around him, like you do! People actually liked him! People hang around you only if they’re desperate! People hung around Taylor because he was the fuckin sweetest person on the world, and never lied to us. Tony, everyone knows that you’re just a fucking insecure, jealous asshole who thinks fucking putting down someone’s favorite person or thing or whatever, will win them over.”
“Whatever you say. Hey, wait. Did you say people hang around me only if they’re desperate? Where does that leave you?”
“Maybe I was desperate back then. I thought you were sweet…but you turned out to be a fucking monster. My biggest regret in my whole life.”
Tony was silent. I had hurt him where it hurt. “Bitch.”
“Why thank you.” I smiled and slammed down the phone. I sat down on the floor and cried. He hit me where it hurt, too…and I knew he meant everything he said. I reached for the phone and dialed Ike’s number.
I slowly walked down the terminal, relieved to be back in Tulsa, but nervous out of my mind too. I had to face Ike and an answer that I didn’t know how to give.
I stepped out of the terminal and saw Ike standing in the airport, smiling and looking relieved to have me back too.
I smiled and walked up to him and gave him hugged him. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Better, now that you’re back.” He smiled as he looked into my eyes. I felt sharp tingles go down my spine, and throughout my whole body, which scared me, a little. I smiled back at him, my gaze never leaving his eyes. It surprised me that I had missed him so much. “Come on, let’s go home.” He said and took my hand as we went and got my bags and left for home.
***
“Look, there’s the North Star.” Ike pointed out.
I looked up and smiled. I remembered when I first did this with Taylor…only I wasn’t using Tay’s stomach for a pillow like I was with Ike.
“Are you going to make a wish, Tiff?”
I shook my head. “ I don’t know what to wish for anymore. And every wish I had ever made that had come true…has kinda backfired.”
Ike frowned as he ran a hand through my hair. “Same here.”
I smiled. “I know what to wish for now.”
“What is that?”
“That wishes would never backfire again.”
“That’s a good one.”
“Yeah.” We sat there silent for a moment, thinking about the past 4 months and how they had sort of become a mixed blessing. Although we had lost people we had loved…we became best friends, almost family. Ike had gotten that long needed break from fame that we all knew he wanted, and I got to pretty much live with the Hanson family…something I had always thought would be cool…and it was…even though 3 people were missing.
“Hey, Tiff?”
“Huh?” I was falling asleep on his stomach.
“Remember what I talked to you about…before you went back home?”
I sighed. I knew this couldn’t be avoided. “Yeah.”
“Did you think about it?”
“Everyday.”
We sat up and faced each other. “Well?” he asked with a hopeful look.
I looked down at my hands. “Ike…you know this isn’t easy on me, and I know you understand that…”
“But…?”
“But…I want to give it a little more time. I thought I could do it, but then when Tony called…it all just came crashing back down.” ‘Listen to your heart, Tiffany.’ “Ike…I do know, though…that I do want to give us a try…but I have to be in the right frame of mind because if things got fucked up, and I end up fucking you over…I don’t want that to happen.”
Ike sighed and took me in his arms. “Tiff…I know it’s hard. Take your time. I’ll be right here, always.”
My eyes filled with tears. Tay had said that to me once…and he couldn’t keep that promise. “Ike…just promise that you won’t ever give up on me…I…so many people have done that…and…”
“Tiff…I promise. I care about you too much to give up on you. And I think you may be right…we could both use a little more time. When you told me that Tony called and everything…it kinda came crashing down on me too. I kinda feel like I’m going behind my brother’s back, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” I sighed. The KoRn song, Dead ran though my brain…the background part did, anyway. ‘All I want in life is to be happy’ I sat there in Ike’s arms the rest of the night, knowing that just maybe this could turn out for the better.
‘Day’s keep passing
Line after line
I don’t feel right
Please god let me sleep tonight
Everyday confronted
Fuck off it’s giving in
I just wonder why…
Please God help me
Please God Save me
Please God free me from my painful situation…’
Jonathan Davis’s words sang tormented, into my ears. I was sitting in the tree house with my CD player just thinking and wondering what I should do. Helmet in the Bush was a song that always helped me think. It seemed like no matter what was going on in my life, that the song reflected it and how I was feeling. This time, I was stuck between Taylor and Ike. As much as I loved Taylor and wanted to be with him, I knew it was impossible and even he wanted me to move on and be happy. Easier said than done. Ike…well…Ike was here, he was alive…and he cared about me as much as Taylor had. But somehow it didn’t feel right. Just like Ike, I felt like I was going behind his brother’s back. ‘God, Taylor…why is this so hard?’
“Hey, Tiff! What are ya doing?”
I looked up at the door and saw Ike standing in the doorway. He looked good today in his plain white T-shirt under a green button up shirt and jeans. His hair was kinda frizzy though, and it was really cute. I weakly smiled. “Nothing…just thinking.”
He walked in and sat next to me. “What are you listening to?”
“KoRn.”
“I should’ve guessed. ‘Helmet in the Bush?’”
I smiled. He knew me way too well. I guess that happens when something traumatic happens, then spend 4 months hardly ever apart. “Yeah.” I replied and rested my head on his shoulder and turned off my CD player.
“Are you thinking about what I think you are?”
I nodded. He rested his head against mine and took my hand into his.
“I’ve been thinking about that a lot too. Even more since I had that dream last night.”
“What happened in the dream?”
“Well…Taylor was there. We were talking and he said that he really wanted us to be happy together. He said he wouldn’t trust anyone else near you. Then he told me that you’d need a little bit of time to get your head straight. Tiff…it was really weird.”
“Sounds like dreams I’ve had before.”
“I know…I think you passed on the craziness.” He laughed.
I smiled. “Ike…you should take this so-called dream seriously. I think it really was Taylor talking to you. Every time I had a dream like that…Tay was right, and it was so vivid…”
Ike was silent. He knew without me telling him that it wasn’t just a dream. “Tiff…what did he say to you?”
I sighed. I didn’t like to talk about this very much, but I knew that it helped when I did. “He would always tell me that he loves me, so much…but he wants me to move on and be happy. He would say that you and me should be together. And no matter what I did or said, it was like he was pushing me away…but he was doing it for my own good, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Sometimes it’s almost like he’s in denial, and he’s doing this because of that…but then when I wake up, and I’m with you…I know that he’s right…that I do need to move on and be happy…but it’s easier said than done.”
“I know. Tiff…” he trailed off.
“Ike…” I said smiling, mocking him..
He smiled and ran a hand through my hair, then wrapped an arm around me. I closed my eyes and thought about what Taylor wanted me to do…listen to my heart. My heart knew where it wanted to be…but it was 2 different places.
“Tiff, you are too adorable.”
“What did I do to be adorable this time?”
“Stuff.,” he replied as he kissed the top of my head, letting his lips linger for a moment before he pulled away and rested his head back on mine.
I smiled. “Like what?”
“Just…well…everything.” He lifted his head again, and I lifted mine and we looked into each other’s eyes. Even though they weren’t quite Tay’s blue…he had gorgeous eyes. I could’ve sat there forever just looking into them. “Tiff…I want to be with you so bad…I wish there were different circumstances…”
“Ike…don’t think about that. You know…shit happens in life, and what happened to us was probably the shittiest…but ya know…we’re both still standing, and we’re here now…”
Ike smiled gently and leaned forward. ‘God…he’s going to kiss me…shit…’ A pang of fear struck through me…but at the same time, it was a wave of excitement. His lips gently met mine, and everything just disappeared. I wrapped my arms around his neck as the kisses got deeper.
After a long time, he slowly pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, looking into my eyes. Neither of us knew what to do or say, so we just sat there in each other’s arms.
“Ike! Come here! Mom needs you!” Jessie yelled from the distance.
“I’ll be right back” Ike sighed as he kissed the tip of my nose. I simply nodded and smiled. He kissed my lips again and got up and ran toward the house.
‘What in the hell did I just do!?’ I yelled at myself, silently. Tears filled my eyes, and all I could think about was Taylor. I felt guilty about kissing Ike. I knew that was going to happen, so why did I let him do it? I heard rain drops hit the roof of the tree house. I sighed and stood up. I pressed play on my CD player and put it in the pocket of my KoRn sweatshirt that Mike let me have, and pulled the hood over my head, and walked out of the tree house and away from the house. I wanted to be alone…and I didn’t want to be found.
Ike quickly ran back to the tree house. It was pouring like mad. He could barely see 10 feet ahead of him.
“Hey, Tiff!” he said as he reached the doorway. He walked inside and looked around. ‘Where’d she go? SHIT! I knew I shouldn’t have kissed her!’ He ran outside and started yelling, “Tiffany! Come back! I’m sorry!” He kept yelling over and over until his throat hurt. She couldn’t have gotten very far, so he knew that she had to have heard him. He ran out father in the yard and searched frantically everywhere until he reached the neighbors yard. The yard was fenced in…as was everyone’s backyard in the neighborhood. ‘Could she have climbed it?’ He shook his head and slowly turned back to the house, hoping that he missed her when he ran out to the tree house.
When Ike got to the house, Avery was sitting in the living room coloring. “Ave, have you seen Tiff?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I thought she was out in the tree house. Is she gone?” she was suddenly alarmed.
“No…no…she just went for a walk and I wanted to know if she was back yet. It’s pouring out there.” He lied.
“Oh…well, she’s okay, then. She’s probably dry somewhere waiting for the rain to let up.”
‘God I hope so.’ Suddenly, he felt really cold, and realized that he was soaked. He ran up to his room to go change out of his wet clothes and into some dry ones. He sat down on Taylor’s bed wondering what he should do. He wanted to go out and look for her…but he knew that she might not have wanted to be found. ‘God, she better be okay.’ He thought to himself as he laid down, silently praying that she wouldn’t do anything stupid. Before Ike knew it…he was asleep.
I slowly walked into the house. Luckily, the doors weren’t locked. It was almost 2am, and I was just getting home. It was still raining outside, and I was soaked to the bone. Luckily, my CD player was still working.
I quietly walked to my room, well, the boys’ room…I was just staying in there in Tay’s bed…still. As I shut the door behind me, I heard a stirring in the room. I knew it was Ike, I just hoped he wasn’t awake. I turned on a dim light and found some dry clothes to change into. I grabbed one of Tay’s ADIDAS shirts and my boxers, and changed. Just as I was about to turn the light off and go to bed, I heard Ike get out of bed. My body started to tremble a little. I really just wanted to be alone…forever.
“Where’d you go?” Ike asked quietly.
I took a moment to reply. “I went for a walk.”
“Until 2am!? Tiff, I was worried sick about you!”
“So worried that you fell asleep.” I snapped.
“Tiff…”
Tears began to fall down my cheeks and I turned off the light so he couldn’t see them or my eyes. I slowly turned around and started to walk to the bed, hanging my head. I didn’t get too far. Ike grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to face him. Not only did I feel guilty about kissing him, now I felt guilty about making him worry. “Ike…please…” I started to sob quietly still looking down.
“Tiffany…god, please don’t…I was so worried about you! I thought that something bad had happened and that…”
“Ike…just shut up. It’s my fault…I should have never even come back here…I should’ve stayed back home…I….”
Ike’s eyes softened and he took me in his arms and held me tight as I sobbed.
“Ike…I didn’t mean to…I mean…god…”
“Shh…it’s okay. You’re back home and you’re okay…that’s all that matters.”
I shook my head and pulled away from him, still crying. “Ike…I’m not…I…I am so fucked up right now…I just wanna die…”
“Tiff…what are you talking about? What’s wrong?”
I smiled as I wearily looked up at him. “You mean you can’t tell?”
“What?” He suddenly looked panic stricken.
I turned on the lights, and it made me a little dizzy. “Ike…look into my eyes and tell me you can’t fuckin tell.” I knew my eyes had to be red as all hell. I was stoned and drunk off my ass…I guess I had gotten good at acting sober.
“Tiff…what’d you do?”
“You don’t want to know…trust me. And…I can tell by the look on your face that you know.” I turned off the light and laid down in Tay’s bed, feeling like I was going to puke. ‘I’m going to have one hell of a hangover’
“Tiff…I just want to hear it from you…what did you do?” He sat down on the bed next to me.
“Isaac…”
“Tiff…”
I started sobbing again. ‘Damn…I thought I learned before not to do this when I was depressed!’ Ike took me into his arms and I cried into his shoulder. “Ike...I’m so sorry…I’m sorry…I…I’m just…I…I just want to be happy…and whenever I get the chance, either I go and fuck it up, or it gets fucked up on it’s own. Ike…I…I…I just…want to be happy…”
Ike’s eyes began to fill with tears. “Does this make you happy?”
“This?”
“Being so fucked up. On drugs and whatever else you’re on?”
“No…but…sometimes I just…I just need to do it…”
“Why?”
“Things…they get hard…and even though it doesn’t make the shit go away…it makes me feel better. It sounds like an excuse, I know…but it’s true…”
Ike sighed and held me tight in his arms. “Tiff…I’m sorry…I knew that I shouldn’t have told you…and when I kissed you I knew that was gonna turn out bad…but, Tiff…I can’t hide this anymore! Tiff…I lo…”
I cut him off. “Shut up Ike…you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. You only think that you like me because…because we’ve been practically living together for months now, and we’ve been through hell and back…you just think…” I got up and walked out the door to go sit in the studio, leaving Ike alone with his thoughts…and a little scared.