You ain't got nothing on Butch Patterson, baby. Not even if you drink whiskey straight from the bottle instead of soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. Not even if you've danced in women's underwear at the bachelor party of a guy you didn't even know. Not even if you've woken up in the back alley of some god-forsaken town, rubbing a lump on the back of your head and wondering whose name you've got tattooed on your ass. Because he's Butch Patterson, Private Dick, and no one can top that. Unless you've exposed yourself at a petting zoo. Or danced with a bartender with your pants around your ankles. Or burned down the house of the woman you loved while you were going through her underwear drawer. Then, just then, you might have a very basic idea of what it's like to be Butch Patterson, Private Dick.
While old Butchy's adventures might sound like something out of a pulp fiction book of days gone by, you've lucked out. You don't have to do any of that fancy book-learning to enjoy the mayhem. Check your local listings to get in on the action. If you haven't stepped into Butch's world of insanity, then you don't know what you're missing. So pull up an easy chair, light a cigar, drink straight from the bottle, and learn to think the way old Butchy does.

Please note, even though this series is currently rerunning on The Comedy Network, I have no more material with which to update this site. What's here is here, folks. This isn't even the official Butch Patterson page anymore. The first, the best, the only, now the second and last. Thanks for the ride, Greg, it's seen swell!