past the mission, i smell the roses
- tori amos
welcome to emergence. survivors of sexual violation, their friends and family, and anyone else who wants to be supportive, helpful, and respectful of this sacred space is thoroughly welcome here. please come with an open mind and an open heart. in creating this place, i hope that somehow, at sometime, someone else finds a piece of their own strength and determination, and sees in the mirror their own beautiful reflection.
i've created this site as a place where victims of sexual violation can come to feel safe, accepted, cherished, and, hopefully, less alone. it is my mission to take anyone who asks for my help into my arms, and comfort as best i can. i myself am a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and i'm now beginning to accept what has happened and make an attempt to heal. i've chosen the healing name butterfly, because when a butterfly emerges from its chrysalis it is a whole being, able to fly and leave its predators earthbound. when i emerge, when i fly, when i am free, i will leave him earthbound and i will soar, so far above his head that the sun will blind him and hide me from his view.
as i said, my name is butterfly. i'm seventeen years old, and my first violation occured about twelve years ago, when i was just a skinny girl with a small bed and mismatched plastic barrettes in my hair. it's hard for me, when i get into a space where i relive what has happened, i see images like too-bright fireworks, i am struck by the innocence i possessed then. the wide-eyed fear which dominates my features as i remember mirrors my emotions of those times. the shameful silence which is lifting from around me stings like salt in a wound.
i am beginning to be able to tell my story to more and more people. my mouth moves easier now. i can look into someone's eyes and tell them at least a full sentence about what has happened before i have to look away, instead of choking and sputtering on a few small words, my head spinning, my eyes darting from side to side in a nervous, paranoid manner. i am moving closer and closer to freedom. i am, piece by piece and bit by bit, somehow finding the way back to me, using a map i drew a long time ago and then forgot about. the hand is the map, the heart is the guide.
please be safe while visiting this or any related websites. be aware of your current emotional situation, and if you feel like something like this would be too much, bookmark this page and come back again at another time. i hope that this page is helpful in some way. i'm currently collecting poems, stories, and other links to post here. if you have anything you'd like to share (comments, questions, submissions, tips, thoughts, criticisms, anything!) please e-mail me. if you just want to talk, i'm here for that too. anything that you send will be used only with your permission, so don't worry about confidentiality or anonymity. and i'll be updating this page as often as i can, so please come back frequently to see what i've added.
updates 9.7.00 i was bestowed ownership of my favourite online mailing list/support groups, light in the dark, created by my darling mercutia. i am very proud of this honor (one of the best presents i've gotten for my birthday so far). i have also recently interviewed one of my favourite survivor artists, raven kaliana. read the interview here. added a new letter to unmailed sagas thanks to patricia. received the angel of honesty award. added a new link (bekah's tears in the dark) to the pathways section.
tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday!
coming soon:
a cooperative website with my dear friend andi, creator of butterfly's web; new sections in emergence devoted to date rape and emerging survivor sites; and an all-out emergence remodel and makeover!
the little girl
the story of my own violation
whispers in the dark
survivor stories
the quiet type
a safe place for male survivors
sowing seeds
why i do this work
saving yourself
how to avoid being violated, and what to do if you have been
truths and lies
statistics and myths about sexual violation
blue cocoon
ways to cope with difficult days
blossoming
making the transformation from victim to survivor
bloody gardenias
recovering love, romantic relationships and sexuality in the aftermath of sexual violation
pale flowers
friendship after violation: difficulties, ways to help a friend who is a survivor, and secondary survivors
unmailed sagas
letters written to attackers
silent speeches
words about telling (or choosing not to tell) family, friends, and lovers
scrawling fingers
a collection of survivor poems written by myself and others
escape routes
recommendations for helpful music, literature, and art
words of wisdom
some of my favorite and most inspirational quotes and song lyrics
red velvet curtains
theatre and performance art experimentation as therapy
the stroke of a brush
survivor art and information about the art displayed on this site
dark allure
suicide: a personal account
lavinia's torment
flashbacks: descriptions, coping techniques, personal accounts
messengers of night
dreams and sleep: general information about dreams, insomnia
razorblade temptations
self-mutilation: different kinds of self-mutilation, protecting yourself, coping techniques
veiled demons
sexual ritual abuse: what it is, words from a survivor of s.r.a.
worshipped reflections
falling in love with yourself
color of passion
expressing outrage, rants, ways to turn anger into something positive
silver pennies
expressions of gratitude
bells for her
my personal pilgrimage to tori amos
pathways
a large collection of support websites
chorus of voices
supportive mailing lists
helping hands
webrings this site is on
house of mirrors
awards and honors this site has been given
sign my
guestbook
view my
guestbook
please use one of my banners to link to your site!
i have adopted a butterfly from the creator of my sister site, butterfly's web!
this website is my artistic creation. the concept and design is my own.
