Last Friday during a birthday party, Wesley “CAULK” Shumuck located a serrated butter knife and hit it in his sleeve. While little Jimmy, who was turning 7 years old was opening gifts, Wesley let out a violent war cry and hurled the knife into little Jimmy’s tibia. Little Jimmy’s family did not press charges however, because this is not the first time Wesley has acted up and savagely attacked one of the family members. “Wesley is a great guy,” says little Jimmy. “He has good intentions, but he asks about tasty wheat too much, and sometimes he speaks Bible verses backwards in Latin…” Wesley is now touring the east coast giving speeches on, “The Pros and Cons of Running With Scissors.”
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