The Holy Book of Ice Cream is the guidelines by which we at the Ice Cream Church abide by everyday of our lives. We read it whenever we have a chance, and now, you can join our ice cream church. Read our bible, and after you are done reading it, ask yourself this question, "Am I truely ready for Ice Cream?" We believe that you are. There is now a webpage (link below) where you can sign-up to join the Church of Ice Cream, but for now, you must read the Old Testament of Ice Cream....
1:1 In the beginning, there was only one god, the God of Ice Cream. This is the book of our god of ice cream's ways, the book of his desciples' ways, and the book of how ice cream came to be.
1:2 On the first day of our planet's existence, the God of Ice Cream made Vanilla, made of sand from the dry deserts of Mackalon. On the second day, God (of ice cream) made Chocolate, and on the third he made the beautiful and quite tasty Strawberry. On the fourth day, God made Raspberry, and on the fifth...Peach. On the sixth day he made the Beverages (coke, sprite, etc.). Since in the game of Ice Cream there is never time to rest, God made on the seventh day the hated and rancid flavor, Beef. Yes child, the Ice Cream God made a flavor of such venom and anger that one day it would spawn flavors as Fish, Pork, and the widely accepted Coffee ice cream.
1:3 They lived in harmony for a long while, until Beef grew jealous of our ice cream god. Beef knew that his horrible taste of raw meat would never please customers. And this began the Great Ice Cream Wars! Beef's army of terrible flavors suck as Onion, Asperagus, Corn, and Cottage Cheese were defeated, and upon their conquering, God cast Beef and his minions deep into the abyss of Ice Cream Hell, presently called "The Freezer". Beef still resides there today and frequently possesses helpless Milkshakes and Astroshakes and causes them to explode.
1:4 And God said, "Let there be Banana," and it was done, for our God of Ice Cream loves all flavors with equal appreciation.
1:5 Beef was infuriated, and with his power, Beef created an unholy creature that plagues the ice cream world even today...the Astroshake. Yes my beloved, the Astroshake is a world full of sinning! It is all the pure hatred and jealously of the world wrapped up into a cup full of creamy goodness. Trust me my son, it is a whore in disguise; do NOT submit to the power of the Astroshake. True, the Offspring of many flavors are the flavors we have today, like the children of the mending flavors Vanilla and Banana was French Vanilla and Coconut...and later Grapenut. Chocolate and Raspberry had a tasty brood of offspring; Chocolate Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter Ripple, and Hot Fudge. Hot Fudge was a retarded flavor and was an outcast from the ice cream community until just recently when God found his glue-like consistency could be used to top sundaes and scorch human skin as an alternative to wet malting.
1:6 As for Strawberry, she would end up as the whore of the Original Seven Flavors. While the gay and merry ice cream flavors of Ice Cream Heaven were busy making new ice cream flavors in that great big mixing machine in the sky, Beef was divising a sinister plan of his own while the Ice Cream God got off on watching the flavors mix. The chaotic and evil Beef created Coffee, Caramel, Bubble Gum, Carp, and Pork, all made from 100% raw meat!
1:7 The first victum of Beef's wrath was a kitchen worker on Earth named Katie Hildebrand. She ate an astroshake made of pure beef, and, regretably, she questioned the wrath of Beef by asking the question, "What's so chewy?" And her soul then belonged to the Beef. Thus, our Lord of Ice Cream asks us only to eat such flavors other than Caramel, Coffee, and Bubble Gum, the last remaining ancestors of the Great Army of Beef.
2:1 In the year of our Lord, the year 0, a child was born in a dipper well in the holy land of Wrightsville. He was visited by three wisemen; Stinky Man, Stinky Lady, and Bill Blessing, each of which bore a gift to the newly born child. Stinky Man's gift was of his regergitated turkey & gravy with fries, which the child rejected firmly. The Stinky Lady's gift was her smelly, soiled blue hat which bore the words "Stand Alone" on the front and smelled of pee. The child was not pleased by the lady's filthy gift, and he did not accept the gift. The child did accept, however, the gift of Bill Blessing. His present was an exceptionally long stick of deer bologna. The child took it with ease, and this child's name was Jesus Mack.
2:2 Considered the Ice Cream God's son, Mack the First was actually the first to open a store in Hellam ( made out of mud from the river) with all five heavenly flavors glowing with holiness from it's wells of stone.
2:3 In the sixth century, Emperor Mahoney II of the Roman Empire banned ice cream from the face of the earth. After a long, heated talk with Mack the Ninth, they became great friends.
2:4 And God said, "May all Mahoneys and Macks for the rest of eternity share the same cone, the same cup, and the same space!" Not only was ice cream relegalized, but the Ice Cream Olympics were held for the first time!
2:5 The Ice Cream Olympics involved dippers and runners (as well as customers) from across the globe. There was an event to find out who could make the largest Banana Split without dripping a single drop from the side of the boat. The held the Milkshakathon, an event in which the dipper competed against other dippers to see who could make the thinnest regular chocolate shake without spilling one drop of milk! There was a runners' marathon to see who could clean up the desired mount of spills in a certain amount of time. There was also the Cone Toss, the Dipper Flip Style Competition, and the Change-A-Can competition.
2:6 In fact, it was Mahoney I who parted the Seltzer Water Sea for his disciples of Beef to cross into the Land of Mellocreamİ.
3:1 A very wise Maker (whose name shall remain anonymous) once said this about ice cream, "If you f*ck with Ice Cream, Ice Cream will f*ck with you," as well as "Ice Cream was here here before we were born, and it shall be here long after we are gone."
3:2 In 1569, King Mike of France and his elegant bride Queen Trell set out some funding for a permanent ice cream shop in Hellam, New World. They named it's founder to be a raggedy man named Christopher Columbus Mack.
4:1 Through the years, however, the evil ways of Beef have influenced the Mack Dynasty, and now the sinful astroshakes, the horrible Coffee and Caramel, and the depressing Bubble Gum ice cream flavors have found their home in the freezer of Jim Mack's Ice Cream.
4:2 It has been written that the final war between good and bad flavors will be fought on a one horrid day called Carmageddon. Then, Fudgement Day shall take place. What shall bring this turmoil to our world you ask? God once spoke of an evil man named the Anti-Mack, and he shall earn the trust of all of the world, and then the power of Beef shall overcome the people of the world, and God shall battle this beast for control of all flavors, good and evil, and with his power the Ice Cream God shall destroy the Anti-Mack, and the Power of Miss Shirey shall come true to the world, and we shall all scoop as one, with equal love and trust for all flavors. AMEN.
5:1 And God said unto the prophet Mike Marks, "Deliver this message to the customers....ICE CREAM IS NOT A GAME!" And so upon Mike Mark's return to the Ice Cream Church, he was wet-malted, and had marshmellow wiped upon the back of his neck by a fleeing fellow employee from behind.
5:2 And the Marks said unto the people of Mack's "People of all flavors! Hear me! God spoke unto me and unvailed to me that in his exact words 'Ice Cream is not a game!" And almost instantly the boy was malted once again, even more severely so.
5:3 Since the people of Hellam did not head the Marks' words, God let them suffer. The entire Susquehanna Valley was flooded with a flowing sea of melted lemon ice cream. To this day lemon ice cream is eaten by many Pennsylvanians to celebrate the deaths of many unwanted Wrightsvillians (esp.- the ancestors of Harry Almoney).
5:5 Our God of Ice Cream did save the ones whom heeded the words of wisdom by permitting them to board a gigantic floating half-gallon. In this vessel did they escape.
5:6 God did speak to another prophet. His name was Trent, otherwise known as Joseph.
5:7 And God said unto the boy Joey, "Joey, my son, there is a horrible giant in the Land of Mack who is shoving and pushing fellow employees because of their slowness and clumsiness. Althought this behavior is appropriate for new employees, this giant has no right to shove the employees of the Holy Mack. Joey, confront this giant, his name....is the giant, the Great Mahoney!:
5:8 And the boy said unto God, "Mahoney the Giant! I am no match for him."
5:9 And the God of Ice Cream said unto the dipper boy, "This is not an excuse my son. Use your sling to render him powerless. Mahoney must be stopped!"
5:10 So upon his return to Mack's in Hellam, Joey confronted the giant, and Mahoney said "Fe fi fo fum! I smell Peptobismol in the Bubble Gum!" Joey saw his chance to destroy the giant, and with that he shot a best-value sprite into Mahoney's eyes, blinding him. Joey's sling is now held encased in the ice cream museum.
6:1 Whence came Joseph, came Warren, and whence came Warren, came more Golf House Employees. A wise, very wise golf employee named Brandon Kelley braved the dangers of the Helium God and filled five balloons up with the Helium Tank in the golf house. Being the clever boy he is, he and his daring assistant, Frair Dan of the Church of Jesus Mack attached to these balloons "a balloon with one golf ball inside". This great floating vessel was "accidentally" launched from the outside of the Golf Hobo House, and was watched as it drifted off into uncertainty and into the blue sky above. Brandon, also being the fool he is, never thought of the consequences if the ballons would bust at the roof of the atmosphere, and drop many miles through the air to smash in a person's skull.
7:1 And these are the ten commandments of ice cream as given to Warren by our Ice Cream God...
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The Ten Commandments of Ice Cream
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The infamous 20 questions of ice cream.
Download FREE Pics, WAVs, and other neat items from the Ice Cream Church!
Beef and his minions are ready for Fudgement Day, are you?
JOIN THE CHURCH OF ICE CREAM! BECOME AN OFFICIAL MEMBER
The Ice Cream Bible as revealed unto the Prophet Joseph. Old English version!
The Commandments of Ice Cream plus LINKS!
The personel's page at angelfire.com...learn more about the ice cream personel.
Friar Emu's page of Ice Cream tales. Links to other Ice Cream Church pages.
Get the Ice CrEmail addresses of high-ranking Ice Cream Church officials.
ALL the Commandments of Ice Cream, suggest some if you want!
The List of Members of the Ice Cream Church
Links to other ice cream sites that intrige Reverend Joseph.