Our parenting archives includes material from many sources including and mostly, Dr. James Dobson's, "Parenting Isn't For Cowards"
We will start with the early years when most parents aren't much more than kids themselves. God has blessed them with this little bundle that squirms and cries at will. They are mezmorized as they gazed into that little bassinette. What they don't know is that the techniques they use on this child might not work for the next one. Before them is a life time-yes a life time- of trial and error. But with it, life at it's fullest!
Your child will fall into one of these categories from day one. They are; Compliant, VERY compliant, strong willed and VERY stronge willed. The webmaster of this ministry has no VERY compliant children, but does have a collection of mildly strong willed to very strong willed children and a grandchild. Our strong-willed granddaughter, who is now two years of age,{year-2000} came into this world letting people know exactly who the boss is, HER! And she has a little brother who is right behind her, who is totally the opposite and yet, parenting is the same for both of them. How can that be? Simple, babies are born with much of their character already in place. So if you have found yourself praying for this particular temper tantrum to pass, it is not necessarily poor parenting that is the blame.
In Gen. 16:11 we see a remarkable reference to a child with a strong will before he was even born. An angel is speaking to Abraham's pregnant serving girl.
He tells her that she will have a son and his name will be Ishmael and further states; he will be wild donkey, he will be against everyone and he'll be hostile. In Gen 25: 22-25 we see the pre-birth development of Jacob and Esau. One was tough and rebellious and the other was a bit of a mama's boy. Then in Rom. 9:13 God has apparently discerned before he was born that Esau would not be receptive to the spirit.
Dr. Dobson response by saying that the people at school probably have a different perspective, but it is not likely that these parents are the cause of their child's rebellion Today's "cope out" is to eventually blame the family, and primarily the mother. But Dobson supports the fact that we are born with our disposition in tact.
Here are some helpful tips we have gathered from a variety of sources for the parents of a strong-willed child.
Today on Elisabeth Elliots's Broadcast, Gateway To Joy, she and her daughter discussed how we can condition our children from an early age, not to dwell on their problems. We do so by how we respond. If we make a big fuss over every little bump or disappoint that our child has, they will learn to do this as well, especially if they are a strong-willed child. When those little bumps and disappointments come, we can lovingly sympathize, but then focus on that fact that it is only momentary. They will get over it and so will you.
I have to smile when I hear my own daughter repeat the same words that I use to say to my children when they were very small. "Oh, that's too bad {hugs,hugs} but you'll live through it, you'll be ok."
We can work with our children's ready made temperment, teaching them the emotional and spiritual tools to face those little crisis.
Join us next week as we continue our focus on parenting. During the week!
Previously, we discussed the biblical concept that children are born with much of their character and personality already developed. It is, of course, channeled by "environment," but primarily, a strong-willed child comes into life that way, as noted in the scriptures we shared.
We offered suggestions for parents coping with their strong-willed young child, and how to gently put into place the necessary boundaries.
Now we would like to focus on the parents who are hurting before we move forward in the growth of our children. We did acknowledge that today's society eventually blames the parents-primarily Mom, for the problems. This is a royal cope out! In every person's life, there comes a point when they are solely responsible for their behavior, choices and the outcome, good or bad.
Our particular concern right now is for the parents that have given parenting the highest priority. With each child, if there is more than one. There was the first smile, the first word, the first step. The first day of school when Mom or Dad ushered their baby onto that big, yellow bus. The doors close and she knows that she cannot be there to cushion all the bumps and bruises that come with the territory. She squelches the urge to cry until little Johnny is out of sight. Puberty comes, followed by adolescence and your child begins to struggle for independence. As a parent, you struggle too-trying to see some neon sign that tells you when to let go a little more. This is all a normal process.
But, for the strong-willed child who hits adolescence and young adulthood hard, this can be the most difficult time in a parent's life.. { Note; Not all strong-willed children are troublesome} But for some, every day is a struggle. That child turns inside themself and he hates the world. {Replace he with she to fit your situation} Mom and Dad are now targeted as the enemy and he will not yield to their leadership in the home.
It doesn't end when that child turns that wonderful legal age of eighteen. He rejects the christianity that his parents hold so dear. He moves out, and in with his girlfriend, and the parents ae left asking," Where did we go wrong?" It can cause such stress that even the marriage suffers from it. Children have been the instrument used to take down many marriages. It is a pain that cannot be described.
Another scenario is that the child claims christianity, but feels that the parents are all wrong. His head is turned by a girl in the church youth group and together they take on the world in the name of christianity. They run head long into those same dangerous waters. Parents are left feeling helpless and sometimes let down by other well meaning adults in the church that may have supported their child's rebellion.. It does happen in even the most solid, christian homes.
One couple shares....
Dear Heaven Bound Ministry,
We have three children. Our oldest,a girl-29 could not have turned out better. She clearly loves the Lord, put herself through college, and now shares a youth ministry with her husband. Our youngest, a boy-22 wandered for awhile, but is now back in step with God and is planning to marry a wonderful, christian girl.
Our second child, a girl now 25, has always been a problem. As a young child she was always being caught in lies after tearfully and sincerely insisting that she wasn't lying. She was always in trouble in school and at home for the problems with school. It wasn't that she wasn't smart or was slow. She just didn't want to be bothered with it and let people know loud and clear. We were always being called in to talk to the teacher, and it was always our fault according to them. We didn't have control of her, so they said.
As a teen 15 and 16, she wanted to move out and thought it was unfair that she wasn't allowed to do so. She couldn't understand our legal and moral responsibility. There was family counseling, counseling just for her, and tests. Finally, we buckled under the pressure and let her drop out at 17. The people in our church thought we were terrible for letting her do this, and my husband's family blamed everything on me. My mother-inlaw and I did not see eye to eye, and she pushed her opinion as often as she could. She gives me the blame for how our second daughter turned out, and none of the credit for the other two.
Our daughter left home the day she turned 18 and lived with a couple from church who she had convinced that we abused her. After awhile, they caught her stealing and saw her for what she was and kicked her out.
Now at 25, she has moved in and out of ever hole in the wall she could find and she can't keep a job because she doesn't get along with people. We suspect she is on drugs and she is now living with a guy. WHAT HAVE WE DONE WRONG?
These parents have a burden that many parents share. They have guilt and shame that is not rightfully their's. Sure they've made mistakes like every parent does. But they raised their children with all the love and concern that any parent could and should have. They kept their children in church, Sunday School, youth group. They attended all the sporting events, plays, etc. They have made themselves available at all times. Yet this one child seem to have come into the world thumbing her little noses at them, christianity, and the world in general.
They have faced obstacles that have come from the church and the family. People have failed to support them when they have been desperate for that support, and maybe just for one person to say," It isn't your fault." No one stepped in and offered a hand of friendship to THEIR DAUGHTER, which might have made all the difference in the world. That someone could have been the one who listened when she thought her parents didn't.
They have had opinions forced on them that had been concluded by what things "looked like" from the on-looker who didn't look beyond the surface. No one supported their biblical authority or love as the leadership in their own home.
This brings us back to the scriptures we mentioned in the previous study.Gen. 16:11, Gen. 16:11, Rom. 9:13. These point out that we are known before our birth, including our temperment. So this can relieve many parents of the guilt they have for raising a child who makes choices that are harmful to them, and hurtful to others. More that that, a parent must lean on knowing that we all come to a point in our lives that we are solely accountable to God for our choices. This is where you must leave your child. In God's hands. No, this doesn't mean that we stop trying to reach them or pray for them as we always have. It does mean we take the responsibility off our shoulders and put it on their's. This is the key!
It is so much easier to release a child into their young adulthood when we know that have a firm foundation under their feet. But regardless, they must still be released to deal with God, His judgement and His blessings entirely on their own. As parents we may release them just to take them back over and over, and this is natural. This is when we need to pray for ourselves, asking God to help us to release them, and release ourself of their responsibility.
When we read the scriptures we find that the only intercessor between us and God is Christ. Not our parents, spouse, brother, sister, or friend.
Read; The book of Jonah, Romans 8:26, Heb.7:25, Is.53:12, Jer.7:16, 27:18; I Tim.2:1 Gal.3:6, Rom.14:12, Heb 13:17. We see all through the scriptures parents praying and pleading with God for their children, but not one giving account for them.
Now we want to move on to the young child years. God's word tells us not to provoke our children to be angry . We must find a balance of love and discipline. Failure to to so gives our children a weak foundation in life. Essentially, we must strive daily to know when discipline is needed and when it might be too harsh. There is no set ideal mode for this, and it may change from day to day, child to child and circumstance to circumstance.
Recently my oldest daughter with her two little ones and some friends, went along with my youngest daughter and I to an amusement park. It was a wonderful day! But at one point when my daughters and friends went into the haunted house ride, I stayed outside with my two grandchildren. My grand-daughter, our persona of a strong-willed child, ran giggling to the haunted house entrance nearly getting run down by a ride car. I had yelled sternly for her to come to me, but she chose not to obey.
I had to leave my grandson unattended in his stroller while I went after her. Hopping railings and having the ride operater corner her, I finally got my hands on her. At which time she was immediately spanked. She threw one of her tantrums and told her grandma not to do that. I ignored the tantrum. She then wiped her little eyes and put her arms around my legs and said, "Are you ok, Grandma?"
My grand daughter knew she had stepped beyond the boundaries in defiance. Loving her grandma and knowing that Grandma does not yell and has never before applied such parental guidance as this, she knew she had done something very serious..
If I were to paddle her or yell at every little thing she did, that first time, and hopefully only time, spanking would not have made the impression that it did, and may very well have frustrated her.
This brings us to;
Go With The Flow
First of all let's acknowledge that some children are just a little more of a challenge to love than others. They lack the charm that an older or younger sibling might have.. They may even push people away, even their own family, and never know why. When you have a child like this you must be constantly on guard not to over react to things that are a part of this child's nature.
If he is whiney by nature, you may want to create a stradegy to deal with it. Instead of punishing him for his whiney demands, ignore it and reward him him when he speaks to you without the whining. He may never grow out of this irritating habit, but you will have, atleast, done your part to guide him. Children are quick studies when it comes to finding ways to wear a parent down, and whining is at the top of the list!
And, if you mess up, don't despair. We all do.
Parental burnout is on the increase these days. Chronic fatigue has become the everyday norm for our culture. There are parents who are radically involved with their commitment to their children, rarely taking a break from all the activities of their children's lives-let alone removing their thoughts from the task. These are the super-parents. Please don't see this as a put-down. On the contrary our children are well worth our all out effort. We must give them our best.
But in some cases, an over-zealous parenting approach can be overwhelming and at times, harmful for both sides of the coin. We do have to distinguish the line between good parenting and over-protectiveness, which would eventually prolong the dependency relationship. It can cause anomosity on an adolescent's part as they strive for that independence. At the very least, it drains a parent's energy.
This would happen with people who tend to be compulsive in all areas of their life. We find a reference of sorts in the scriptures. Phil. 4:5, tells us to do everything in moderation. It would seem that the author somehow knew that some people would be blessed with this compulsive nature. We do find that even Jesus, with the weight of the world on his shoulders took time to rest and refuel.
But, parental burnout can be caused by other factors. Young parents with a colicky infant can reach burnout. They may have bills and job stress thrown into the burnout pot. They are trying to make ends meet, and their nights are often interrupted by frequent bursts of crying from their small bundle. They may take turns caring for the baby, and by morning they are more exhausted than when the went to bed.
Then there are the school days and sporting events and whatever else your child may get involved in. Church activities can be a major source that adds to this burnout. The young parents have so many pans in the fire, so to speak, that there is no home time except for when they plop into bed at the end of the day.
Another source for parental burnout may come in adolscence, and we addressed this issue in an earlier study. They have a strong willed child and each day is a new leg in the war. It is an emotional burnout. that leaves all those involved frustrated and feeling like they have failed.
And, last but not least, parents of adult children can see burnout too. Our favorite saying around here is, "Our children don't grow up and go away. They multiply and come back!" There is no doubt in my mind that there are many of you that can relate. Your child marries and being good parents you reach out to the son or daughter-inlaw and make sure they know that you're in their corner. this is a good thing. They struggle with newlywed woes, bills, job stresses and then baby comes along. Or maybe baby comes without the marriage and you have a single parent, adult child.
You do the best to support them, not knowing where to draw the line.
They ask for help and you see them struggling, so it is hard to say no. They don't want you telling them what to do, in some cases, but run to you when things go wrong. It may be financial help, or it may be babysitting services. Mom and Dad/ Grandma and Grandpa
may find themselves child-rearing again. It can be a physical and emotional demanding time of life ,and they too are subjected to burnout.
The main source to control or avoid burnout of any kind is a deeper understanding of God's word and His will for our lives.
It is not only a suggestion, but a command that we rest in Him. Matt.1:28 A closer walk, a deeper understanding will give us a peace that inhibits burnout, and this is a key factor in the christian walk.
But, some practical things we might want to remember may be useful in that day to day battle with fatigue.
Join us next time as we go into the adolescent years.
Ps. 139:14, Prov.20:12, Ez.16:14, Eph.6:4, Prov 29:17, Prov.22:15.
Remember, we're pulling for you, we're all in this together..God bless.
No, I didn't accidently duplicate the verses. This simply points out that if we model ourself after God as our Father, we will have the relationship and authority that we are called to have with our children.