Carter tucked her hair behind her ears and looked around her bedroom at the emptiness that surrounded her. Even though her room was filled with posters, dirty clothes, and furniture, she saw nothing. It had been hard enough for her to just crawl out of bed this morning. She almost didn't, but then she remembered that Zac was still feeling a little crappy, so she decided to pay him a visit.
She had spent the last week taking care of him, bringing him medicine, and making him food. Now when he was finally almost all better, she felt like dying.
Two years ago, to the day, her mother walked out the front door and never came back. Lacey Porter was gone, and it was anniversaries like these that made Carter want to go away too, and never come back.
Melissa walked into her bedroom to see Carter staring blankly into the mirror, trying to see a hint of her mother in her own eyes. She walked up behind Carter and put her chin on her shoulder. "I miss her too."
Carter nodded and leaned her own head against her sisters.
"You can cry though, you know." Meli glanced at the picture of her mother that sat on their desk. "I cried this morning while you were in the shower."
"I don't have to cry."
Melissa sighed. "Well, if you need me..."
"I know." Carter nodded and sighed. She knew Zac was asleep but she needed him now more than ever. She left her bedroom and went out onto the balcony.
Carter glanced down at the leather couch and blinked. There, in the middle, was a note, with a small, dried, white rose. She picked them up and sat down. Slowly, she opened the note and read.
"Dear Carter,
I know days like these are inconsolably hard for you. I also know I'm probably the last person that can make you feel better. But I've had this rose in my bedroom in a box since the funeral. I couldn't bear to put it on Lacey's grave because then I'd have to admit she was gone. I thought it was about time I gave it to you.
You probably don't know this but Lacey was definitely a second mom to me and it hurt me deeply when she died. I know it's nothing compaired to the pain you and your family feel, but I just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat that you are.
Today seems to be even worse than last year. Maybe it's because of Gabi... But all I know for sure is that you have so many people that love you and care about you. I'm just one of them that is here for you if you need me. If Zac and Taylor are ever busy, you can come to me.
Love, Isaac"
Carter put her face in her hands and sighed. She wanted to cry so bad but there just weren't any tears there. She jerked her head up when she heard the balcony door on the Hanson's side open. She looked over to see Isaac.
Carter stood up, grabbed the rose and the note, and went over to him. She threw her arms around her neck and hugged him as tightly as she could. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her for a minute while hugged him. It was the sweetest, most sincere hug he'd ever gotten from her. "Thank you." She whispered into his shoulder.
Isaac nodded and let her slide out of his arms. She couldn't be totally sure but it looked like he had been crying too. Last year it seemed like everybody had forgotten, but this year... she was touched by the way everybody was thinking about Lacey. "Zac just woke up."
Carter nodded. "I'm gonna go see if he's feeling any better."
"Ok." Isaac smiled and watched as Carter went back into his house.
She went through Taylor's room, he wasn't in there. Then she went to Zac's room to find him laying in his bed staring at the ceiling. "Hey goober." She plopped down on the bed next to him.
"Hey." He smiled and pulled her down so that her head was on his stomach. "How are you doing?" He asked, sympathetically, not wanting to bring up Lacey. Sometimes, Carter just didn't want to be reminded of it.
"I'm doing a lot better."
"That's good." He looked down at the dried white rose in her hand. "What's that?"
"A flower." She smiled up at him.
"Oh." Zac gave her a confused look and then shrugged. "I feel all better now. Yay. Go me."
Carter laughed and rolled over so she was facing him, with her head still on his chest. "So if you feel all better... do you wanna camp out on the balcony tonight? One last time before it starts to get really cold?"
"It's already really cold." He wimpered.
"I'll keep you warm." She grinned. "Besides..." She paused.
"Besides...."
"Whenever I sleep out there... I can't help but think I'm a little closer to her."
"How?"
"Because I can see the stars. And she loved the stars." Carter laughed. "Even if she knew nothing about them."
Zac laughed too. "Look, Carter. It's the north star! Right there.... I think." He laughed, imitating Lacey's sweet, excited voice.
Carter smiled. "It wasn't the north star."
"Yeah I know." He laughed. "But hey, she tried."
"You know what I was listening to this morning? And you beter not laugh."
"What?"
"Meli's Britney Spears cd."
Zac laughed.
"Ok that was just not nice."
"Sorry."
"ANYWAY! There was this song on it called 'Where are you now'. It was really good. But like, I still couldn't cry."
"Sing it."
"What?"
"Sing it."
Carter shook her head. "I don't know all the lyrics."
"Oh come on." He laughed. "We both know that when you hear a song you like, you memorize the lyrics instantly. So sing it now. Before I have to beat you up."
Carter laughed. "You couldn't take me if you tried."
"True."
Carter smiled and cleared her throat. Then she sang...
"Calling out your name, your face is everywhere. I'm reaching out to you to find that you're not there. I wake up everynight to see the state I'm in. It's like an endless fight I never seem to win. I can't go on as long as I believe. I can't let go when I keep wondering where are you now? What have you found? Where is your heart when I'm not around? Where are you now? You gotta let me know. So I can let you go. I can hear your voice. The ring of yesterday. It seems so close to me but yet so far away. I should let it out to save what's left of me and close the doors of doubt, revive my dignity..."
"You never cease to amaze me." Zac smiled, wrapping his arms around Carter.
Carter smiled back at him and snuggled into his arms. "Thanks for being here, Zac."
"Got nowhere else to be just now." He ran his fingers through her soft, dark hair, and looked down to see a single tear running down her left cheek.