Quotes!
CARTER: That's like trying to get blood out of a parsnip!
NEWKIRK: That's turnip, Carter.
CARTER: Well, have you ever tried to get blood out of a parsnip?
HOGAN (Hogan's plan to trick a German spy planted among POWS): Alright Carter
you make the goof.
CARTER: Right.
NEWKIRK: You picked the right man for the job.
CARTER: Well it does take intellengence to be stupid.
NEWKIRK: Do you mind if I have time to think that over?
HOGAN: Newkirk, you just said something interesting...
LEBEAU: Accidents happen.
HOGAN (to Carter): Carter, let's get thinking
NEWKIRK: Oh, well, we're dead before we've even started.
KLINK: What's the matter?
HOGAN: They're having an argument in French. I can't stop them. Can
anyone
speak to them in their own language?
KLINK: Break it up!!!
HOGAN (exasperated): In French!
Hogan, Newkirk, LeBeau and Carter are in Klink's office at night trying
to
crack the safe.
Phone: *rings*
HOGAN: Carter, go answer it.
CARTER: Me sir? But what'll I say?
HOGAN: Tell them it's a wrong number
CARTER: Okay...
CARTER (picks up phone, speaking in German accent): You have a wrong
number.
CARTER (into phone, in American accent): Well, I know it's a wrong
number,
because I don't even have a phone.
OTHERS: *sigh*
CARTER: Okay, fine, tell me who it is.
CARTER (still to phone): No, this is not a frienship club (to others)
How
d'you like that, she really does have a wrong number!
HOGAN (comes over and hangs up phone)
Phone: *rings*
CARTER (picks up phone and speaks in German accent): Hello?
CARTER (back in American accent): Oh, it's you. Look, I didn't hang up
the
phone! Really! It wasn't me!
CARTER: No, I'm telling you, this isn't a friendship club!
CARTER: What is it? It's a Prisoner of War camp
CARTER: Who am I? I'm a Prisoner of War.
HOGAN (hangs up phone again)
HOGAN: Glad you're concerned, Newkirk, you can go to town tomorrow night!
NEWKIRK: I wasn't that bloody concerned!
Klink: Who is running this camp? Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Shultz: Me too (then stutters)
Klink: I will be the colonel who signs your transfer to the Russian Front.
Shultz: Boy. . . are YOU running the camp.
SCHULTZ: I see nothing!
LEBEAU: Oh Schultz, you always see nothing!
HOGAN: I know what's on your cunning mind!
KLINK: You do? What's on my cunning mind?
CARTER: Colonel Hogan, can we keep him? I mean, how much trouble is one little rabbit?
HOGAN: Carter, my boy, there's something I must tell you. There's no such thing as one rabbit.
KINCHLOE: Holy cats!
LEBEAU: What? What? What's holy cats?!!
NEWKIRK: I would just like to say something I said to me dear ol' dad on a like occasion: 'You give me a ruddy, shooting pain in the . . .'
SCHULTZ: Newkirk!
HOCHSTETTER: What is this man doing here?!
KLINK: Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?!
HOGAN: Undergoing interrogation. (to Hochstetter) He's brutal, sir!
SCHULTZ (doing head count): Kinchloe, Carter, stroodle, uh, I mean LeBeau . . .
LEBEAU (preparing chicken): . . . She must dance with flavor!
SCHULTZ (to chicken): Will you marry me?
CARTER: Piece of pie!
NEWKIRK: That's cake, Andrew.
HOGAN: You can tell me, I'm a full-fledged Colonel.
LEBEAU: She's sensitive, caring, warm, loving, kind . . .
HOGAN: You don't need a Colonel, you need a priest!
SCHULTZ (waking Klink up in the middle of the night): Colonel Klink! Major Hochstetter here to see you!
KLINK: Huh . . .?
HOCHSTETTER: Klink!!
KLINK (instantly sitting up): Heil Hochstetter!
CARTER (as Hitler): I love your Stallag. The barbed wire makes me feel all warm and sentimental inside.
CARTER (as Hitler): Yes, yes, by all means, Wiedersehen folks!
KLINK: You don't understand the Gestapo, do you Hogan?
HOGAN: No, I guess not, sir.
KLINK: Good. Neither do I.
CARTER (referring to Schultz): What's he doing here?
LEBEAU: He won't tell me. He says he won't talk with his mouth full.
CARTER: And he hasn't said anything yet?
LEBEAU: His mouth's been full the whole time.
SCHULTZ (swallows): I'm testing the food.
LEBEAU: Don't you think you're overdoing it?
SCHULTZ: I like to be thourough.
CARTER: Colonel Hogan, that box of wine has a 'z' on it!
KLINK: What?
HOGAN: 'Z' was a good year.
HOCHSTETTER (to Klink): One wrong move and you'll be smiling out of the other side of your monacle . . .
NEWKIRK: How are we going to get in to the party?
HOGAN: I always liked you in basic black . . .
HOGAN: Did she put her arms around you, Schultz?
SCHULTZ: Uh-huh.
HOGAN: All the way around you?
SCHULTZ: Yes.
NEWKIRK: She must be an orangutang!
SCHULTZ: Maybe I can put something in the dogs' food so they'll fall asleep . . .
LEBEAU: Now Schultz, you know that'll never work! The dogs hate you.
NEWKIRK lights a cigarette in the tunnel, full of dynamite at the moment
HOGAN: The next one of you who lights a cigarette in here gets court marshalled!
LEBEAU: Before or after the explosion?
SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I will be alert and intelligent.
KLINK: If I wanted a miracle, I'd ask for one.
KINCHLOE (referring to "Battling Bruno"): His timing is off, his stance is awful, he can't block, his punches are soft, but he does have that smile. . .
LEBEAU: Those Krouts would eat marinated dog food on a cracker if it was served to them!
HOGAN (smiling): Don't be so harsh . . .
LEBEAU: No, I ran out of paté, and that's what I used!
KLINK: Report!
SCHULTZ: All present and accounted for . . . almost.
KLINK: What do you mean "almost"?
SCHULTZ comes out to greet the incoming car.
CARTER (dressed as Hitler): What did I say?! No more parade balloons!
SCHULTZ (drunk): Oh, it's Mr. Big-Shot Kommandant!
KLINK: What is the meaning of this?
SCHULTZ: Request permission to fall flat on my face if necessecary.
KLINK: Request denied!
SCHULTZ: Why are you so interested, anyway?
HOGAN: It's "Know Your Krout Week".
MAX: Was that the contact?
HOGAN: Yes.
MAX: Does she have a message for me?
HOGAN: Yes, your tomatoes are too expensive.
MAX: What kind of cheap code is that?
HOGAN: Face it Max, you're over-priced!
HOGAN: Klink stops by there for a mug of beer, a pinch of salt, and a pinch of bar madien.
KINCH: So that's why he always comes back with a smashed monacle . . .
HOGAN: So, Major, are you here on military buisness, or is this a social call?
HOCHSTETTER: What is it with the people in your camp, Klink?!?! They all think I am some sort of social butterfly!!!!
CARTER: No one trusted me. Just because I liked to do certain things to grasshoppers and bugs and . . .
CARTER: I'll raise you two ginger snaps.
NEWKIRK (looks at the cookies): Eww! You've been nibbling on yours, haven't you?!
LEBEAU: The outside's crawling with goons!
SCHULTZ: Goons?
HOGAN: Oh, you don't know those Krouts in town like I do. They're as crooked as a dog's hind leg.
KLINK: Those dirty Krouts!
KLINK: Gen. Burkhalter, you don't know those gangsters in town like I do, they'd steal a dog's hind leg!
HOCHSTETTER: How can he watch the prisoners like a hawk when he is blind as a bat?!
SCHULTZ: Oh! It's a button! And it says us!
KLINK (reading the card that came with the get well flowers given to him by Hogan): To the heavens we all shout: "Get Well Soon!" to out favorite Krout.
HOGAN: Carter wrote the poem, but the sentiment goes for all of us.
LEBEAU (speaking of the new prisoner): I hope he's French!I'm to speak
French with someone!!!
Carter (speaking in broken, accent-less French): Bonjor, Madamoisel!
LeBeau rolls his eyes at Carter.
HOGAN: Now we wait.
NEWKIRK: For what? Them to make a mistake?
HOGAN: No, for me to think of a next step.
HOGAN: You had a moustache in those days . . .
KINCHLOE: Don't remind me.
CARTER: We're not spies, Colonel. We're just POWs.
HOGAN: Just blowing up bridges and factories in our spare time.
NEWKIRK: That's what keeps us out of trouble.
CAPTURED UNDERGROUND LEADER: Didn't you hear, Colonel? The war is over.
HOGAN: Yeah. The five of us ended it and as soon Hochstetter and Klink find out, they're going to start it back up again.
HOGAN (Referring to Carter playing trumpet): Hey, maybe we can use Hot Lips here.
NEWKIRK: Other than driving the enemy insane, what did you have in mind?
KLINK: If the prisoners ask anything about the explosives, you know nothing. You are ignorant!
SCHULTZ: That I can do."
KLINK: I know.
HOGAN: Newkirk, can you pick that lock?
NEWKIRK: I find that, sir, highly insulting.
LEBEAU (to the dogs): If you're good, I'll bring you back a cat . . .
ESCAPING PRISONER: We have to make a reservation?
HOGAN: We're booked through New Year's Eve.
LEBEAU (when meeting a group of escaped prisoners): What did you do? Dig your tunnel through Times Square?
KINCHLOE (after counting all the escapees): I'd make it 20 men.
HOGAN: Just enough for a marching band
HOGAN: Genrally, we only handle 2 or 3 [men]. This is our first venture in the wholesale business.
HOGAN: Kinch, get on the radio to London. Arrange a pickup point. Tell them to send a big submarine . . . with a trailer
CARTER (taking a prisoner's picture): Hey, knock it off. Don't smile. Try to look as German as possible. (Prisoner gives a sour face) That's more like it
NEWKIRK (measuring prisoner): Waist, 26 inches.
KINCHLOE: 26? What are you in, the Army or the Cub Scouts?
PRISONER: I was drafted
NEWKIRK: No wonder it's taking us so long to win the war . . .
CARTER: Hey, look! I'm a Kraut corporal!
NEWKIRK: If you were, we would of won the war by now.
CARTER (after Kinch uses a German accent): Hey, that's great, Kinch! Are you sure you're not part German?
KINCHLOE: I don't think so
SCHULTZ: Aw, shucks.
KINCHLOE: "Aw shucks?" From a Kraut?
CARTER: I taught him that. I also taught him "Gee Whilikers"!
Hogan is 'processing' a girl . . . Newkirk goes to see why this is taking sooo long
NEWKIRK (slightly embarrased): The colonel, uh, still processing . . .
CARTER: Very thorough man, the colonel.
KINCHLOE: Of course
LEBEAU: Figures
(Hochstetter has just seen Carter kicking dirt under their "tunnel" under the
sink)
HOCHSTETTER: Why are you kicking dirt under that sink?
CARTER: Because cleanliness is next to godliness.
LEBEAU: And a clean barracks is a happy barracks.
NEWKIRK: And a happy barracks is a happy prison camp.
KINCHLOE: And a happy prison camp . . .
HOCHSTETTER: QUIET!
KINCHLOE: (in an English accent, while knocking down a German soldier from behind) Greetings from the British Commandos!
NEWKIRK: (to Kinchloe) I'm the one with the English accent, if you don't mind.
GERMAN GENERAL: (to Newkirk) Auf Wiedersehen.
NEWKIRK: Auf Wiedersehen. (after German General leaves)...and drop dead along the way.
(Schultz about to parachute out of the plane)
SCHULTZ:But I am too OLD too jump!!
HOGAN: Oh, come on, Schultz! You're never to old to jump.
SCHULTZ: But I am to BIG to jump!!
HOGAN: THERE you have a point (proceeds to shove Schultz out of plane)
WAGNER (the spy from the pilot episode, screaming insanely in German): You've got to believe me!!
HOGAN: You're a doll, Hilda, a doll. I'll owe you a gift for this.
HILDA: You already owe me six pairs of nylons, 17 pounds of candy, three gallons of perfume. And that leaves jewelry.
HOGAN: How about a nice cocktail ring.
HILDA: I don't drink. How about a nice engagement ring?
HOGAN: I don't drink either.
HOCHSTETTER: May I remind you that you are in the Luftwaffe. Not the Gestapo, not the Abwehr.
KLINK: Oh I admit I have nothing to do with Intellegence.
HOCHSTETTER: That is obvious to all of us.
KLINK: But General Burkhalter, as a German officer I feel that I have not made any contribution to the war effort.
BURKHALTER: For once I agree with you.
In episode 19, Newkirk guesses that Schultz's weight is 300 lbs.
SCHULTZ(feeling hurt): That's a terrible thing to say.
NEWKIRK: What do you weigh?
SCHULTZ: Two hundred ninety five pounds. But it's still a very terrible thing to say!
LEBEAU: I don't want to be just a chef.
HOGAN: Oh I promise, LeBeau, we won't ask you to cook unless it's absolutely necessary.
LEBEAU: What's our next job, Colonel?
HOGAN: How 'bout whipping up some hors d'oeuvres to go with the champagne?
BURKHALTER: Which would you prefer, Klink - an engagement with a beautiful fräulein or a chess game with a general who can transfer you to the Russian front?
KLINK: White for you, Sir?
HOCHSTETTER: Any prisoner who carries on sabotage or espionage activities is no longer protected by the Geneva Convention. And any prisoner caught in such activities can be shot or hanged.
HOGAN: No kidding?
CRITTENDON(after placing dynamite underneath a truck): What time is it set to go off?
HOGAN: Two minutes.
CRITTENDON: Coo. Glad I didn't know that.
GERTRUDE: Klink is not my idea of husband material, but in wartime you have to substitute for everything.
MARYA: Together again! Fighting together, loving together, what a marvelous feeling!
HOGAN: I think I felt better when we were enemies
(Newkirk is dressed in a german uniform when Schultz walks into the
barraks, Newkirk is trying to hide behind a coat rack)
Schultz: Was ist los Newkirk? Newkirk, was ist los?!
Newkirk: You won't believe this Schultz,but I'm dressed in a german uniform
and I'm going to walk right out that ruddy front gate!
Schultz(turns around and walks out the door mumbling sarcasticly): Jolly
joke! Jolly joke!
Burkhalter: Don't worry, Klink, you don't sound like you're blowing your own horn. You sound like an entire brass band.
Klink: (clears throat) Ahem, well, uh...
Burkhalter: It sounds like the Hofbrau orchestra is tuning up.
KLINK: Hogan, by now don't you realize that for you
and your men this war is over?
HOGAN: That *is* good news! We'll pack and leave in
the morning.
NEWKIRK: If there's one thing you could say about my
mate Carter - he's a man who knows his explosives.
When he sets the timer, you know it's gonna go off.
CARTER: I thought you set the timer.
BURKHALTER: Klink, If I sent you to the Russian
front, I would be shot for treason!
Klink is woken up by a phone call from the gate in the
middle of the night because commandos are landing
around the camp: "What? Commandos, AT THIS HOUR?"
Hogan enters the room at Stalag 13 where Klink is
having a party and Gen. Burkhalter is dancing with a
beautiful girl
BURKHALTER: Hogan, I'm happy to see you, come join the
party!
BEAUTIFUL GIRL: Are you usually so friendly with the
prisoners?
BURKHALTER: When you are in love the whole world is
German!
BURKHALTER: Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot,
and sent to the Russian front.
KLINK: But Gen. Burkhalter, you can't do all of those
to me!
BURKHALTER: Klink, try me.
Burkhalter to Klink: "You will be given a fair trial,
after which you will be shot!"
KLINK: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not
even if I need them.
SCHULTZ: Col. Hogan. If you ever escape...
HOGAN: Yeah?
SCHULTZ: Be a good fellow and take me with you.
SCHULTZ: (saluting Col. Hogan) Jawohl mein Colonel.
KLINK: Oh Schultz, you idiot. You don't salute him.
He's your prisoner and see that it stays that way.
HOCHSTETTER:(on Klink) Every year that man lives takes
a hundred years off the thousand year Reich!
Hogan is talking to one of the dogs at the camp who
has a message in his collar.
HOGAN: Thanks Fritzi you've been a big help. Heil
Hitler.
DOG: *angrily barking*
HOGAN: Are you sure he's a German shepherd?
KLINK: Now c'mon men, these are your fellow soliders.
Don't let a little thing like being at war stop you.
CARTER: I volunteer
KLINK: Wonderful, Carter.
CARTER: As soon as I find out how much Adolf Hitler
donated to the U.S.O.
KLINK: If you do not help, it will be lights out at
nine o'clock.
HOGAN: What you mean is light out, sir. You see the
other one burned out.
NEWKIRK: And you promised to fix the other one six
months ago.
KLINK: OK. Then, I'll fix the other one and then turn
them out. What do you say then Hogan?
HOGAN: One lump or two, sir?
Hogan and a beautiful underground agent have to
pretend to be lovers at a movie theater when a Gestapo
man is watching them.
AGENT: All right, he's gone. We must get down to
business.
HOGAN: That's the thing I hate about Gestapo. They're
never around when you need them.
KLINK: Hogan, there was no trouble until the day you
arrived here.
HOGAN: Are you kidding? Before I came here, you had so
many escapes, they were gonna put a revolving door at
the front gate.
HOGAN: What's a matter, Kommadant? Wake up on the
wrong side of the war?
KLINK:(After Hogan pulls off his elaborate scheme for
making the Germans think the war is over, in order for
them to release some important prisoners) And I don't
think it would hurt the Gestapo to be a little more
human.
HOCHSTETTER: Klink!
KLINK: Careful, the war is over.
HOGAN:What do we need most at Stalag 13?
Newkirk, LeBeau and Carter raise their hands
HOGAN: And nobody say girls.
NEWKIRK: Girls cut the field down quite a bit, sir...
HOCHSTETTER: Colonel Klink... a man who could have
been great, except that he wasn't very good.
Klink finds a radio in the barracks. A BBC broadcast
can be heard.
KLINK: Hogan! Where's that voice coming from?
HOGAN: From the accent I say England.
HOGAN: How do you know it was one of my men? It was
probably a guard. You can't trust them.
KLINK: I don't know, Hogan.
HOGAN: Or it could have been one of the Krauts from
town. They're as crooked as a dog's hind leg.
KLINK: Yes, I know.
HOGAN: In fact, in all of Germany, I can only think of
one man that I would trust. Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
KLINK: Oh, he's as crooked as the rest of them.
Got more quotes? Send them to me at skywalker@surfree.com!
