" Jesus Lost His Shoe "

                               by me


               ---[insert lovely picture of jesus here]---


        One bright sunny morning(thursday morning mind you) Jesus awoke and
  arose from bed.  He got up and went to have breakfast(el desayuno) because
  He's Jesus and he knows how important breakfast(el desayuno) is. Jesus 
  finished his breakfast (el desayuno) got up , got dressed and looked for his
  shoes, his favorite shoes, an old pair of Chuck Taylors. He found one shoe
  but after hours of searching he could not find the other. He knew now what 
  he must do. He must find his shoe.

        Jesus put on the shoe he had and started off on his journey. On his
  way many a folk stared at him they had never seen Jesus with out both shoes.
  But Jesus is Jesus and he didn't care, besides he had more important things
  to worry about.

        And so began the Journey. The Journey for Jesus' Shoe. Jesus walked for
  about 1 mile and grew tired. He noticed a peach tree in the distance and
  decided to rest in the shade the tree provided. And maybe eat a peach or 2.
  As it turned out Jesus never made it to the tree. About a half way there he
  was wacked over the head with a bucket by a crazy monkee. Jesus awoke in 
  some sort of cage surrounded by all sorts of crazy monkees. The monkee who
  appeared to be the leader spoke, "Hello. I understand you are Jesus. You can
  help us, I think."

        "What do you want with me?" asked Jesus.

        "Bananas. Bananas and Liquor."

        "Why are you asking me?"

        "Don't you understand? You're Jesus. Its thursday and You're missing a
         shoe."

         "Hmm. Yes, I see." 
        
         At this point Jesus jumped up and did an Irish Jig. When he finished
  the monkees aplauded and 800 bananas and 2 kegs of beer appeared behind 
  Jesus. The monkees rejoiced. They shared the bananas and beer with Jesus
  and soon the whole congregation was doing the Irish Jig. The leader monkee
  pulled Jesus aside.

        "If ever you need help from us just say `Hinkle Finkle Dinkle Doo' "

        "Thank you," said Jesus. 

         The monkee leader laughed a hearty laugh and said, "No. Thank You. We
         have never been so happy.. so drunk."

         At that Jesus saw his cue to exit. "Goodbye, friend." said Jesus. But
  the monkee leader was drunk and dancing and did not hear. Jesus walked away
  continuing his journey for his lost shoe.

         Jesus walked toward a road. A purple road. A beautiful Purple road.
  Jesus fell in love with this road. He made a mental note to return to road 
  when his shoe was found.

        As Jesus walked along someone yelled out, "Psst. Jesus. Over Here."

        Jesus walked over curious to see who it was and hoping they might 
  have information about his shoe. The man identified himself as Buddha.
  Jesus had heard about Buddha. Heard all sorts of stories. From what he 
  heard Jesus liked Buddha. And the man he met on the side of The Lovely 
  Purple Road was very pleasant and very smart--very observant.

        Buddha spoke now, "I wish to join you on your journey, friend."

        "Oh.. really?"

        "Yes, I am saddened by your story. And 2 heads are better than one,
        no?"

        "Yes."

        And with that the 2 left the side of The Lovely Purple Road. They  
  jouneyed to the Train Tracks. They planned to hop a train to Tuskaloosa. 
  Tuskaloosa was very well known for the amount of people selling shoes on
  the black market. The train came flying by, Jesus jumped and with little 
  effort landed in the train car. But Buddha, though very smart, he was not
  by any means a speed demon and he ran next to the train trying to catch up.
  Jesus knew what he must do. He yelled aloud, "Hinkle Finkle Dinkle Doo!"

        Magically 30 crazy monkees appeared. They immediately realized the
  problem, picked Buddha up and threw him in the train. Then just as fast as
  they appeared they were gone.

        Jesus and Buddha discussed many things on there train ride. But the
  most important was Chicks. Jesus loved Chicks and Buddha loved everyone, but
  he especially loved Chicks. There conversation went into many of the good
  things about Chicks and even a few specific Chicks were named. Though no
  Chick was more beautiful than the one known as, The Chick. She was a goddess
  and Jesus had loved her but she did not feel the same of him. Buddha had
  also loved her, but Buddha smelled funny and The Chick did not enjoy his
  company. Even though she had wronged the 2 they still loved her. As they 
  laughed and talked they didn't hear the sound The Bastard made as he 
  approached.

        The Bastard was big. He was big and stupid. He hated Buddha and Jesus
  because they had friends and were smart. Now he approached the train car
  they were in. He was carrying a gun. A bright shiny metal gun. He planned
  to kill Buddha and Jesus and steal their brains. Then he would be smart,
  they would be stupid. He giggled at the thought. A girlie laugh, he had.

        The door to Jesus and Buddha's train car flew open and there was The
  Bastard. The Bastard though stupid was quick. He raised the gun and fired 
  at Jesus. Buddha could not let his friend die he jumped in front of the 
  bullet taking it right in the gut. He went down fast and hard. Before he 
  died, he told Jesus, "Go. Quickly. You must find your shoe."

        Jesus did not want ot leave his friend but he knew he must go. He 
  jumped out of the train car. He wasn't looking where he was going and fell
  on a mule. A magical mule. A talking mule. Named Alfred.

        "Hey! Watch yo ass!" shouted the mule.

        "Oh.. Oh dear, I'm sorry." said Jesus.

        "You better be sorry whitey! Now get off me before I kill you, mofo!"

        "Yes. Yes of course." Jesus said, getting off the mule. "I'm Jesus. 
        I'm looking for my shoe."

        "Name's Alfred, Jesus."

        "Well, Alfred, nice to meet you."

        "Yeah, nice to meet you too."

        "Hmm. I wonder if maybe you might help me on my journey."

        "First you fall on me. Then you ask me for help. Jesus!"

        "Yes?"

        "No! I mean-- ah screw it! How can I help you?"

        "Well, You're a mule. I'm in need of a ride..."

        "Oh, I see, and you want to ride me!? Is that it?!?"

        "Yes. That's it."

        "Hop on."

        And so Jesus climbed onto Alfred. He was a little moody. But he was 
  better than walking. Jesus promised to repay the donkee when they arrived
  in Tuskaloosa. After traveling for 8 straight days, they arrived in 
  Tuskaloosa. As they traveled through town, Alfred saw a lovely woman by the
  name of Jennifer McCarthy. Jesus noticed how Alfred stared at her, he knew
  that that was how he must repay Alfred. They stopped and Jesus tied Alfred
  to a parking meter. Jesus ran back to Jennifer. Jesus said, "Excuse me, 
  Miss, but see that mule back there? Well, He's in love with you."

        "With me? Gee, he's pretty cute."

        "Yes, he is. I was wondering if you might, uh, go on a date with him."

        "I'd love to. Hell, I'd marry him."

        "Right now?"

        "Sure."

        So Jenny walked over to Alfred and asked him to marry her and, of 
  course, Alfred said yes. There was to be a wedding as soon as possible, and
  that was now. Jesus, being Jesus, married the 2 and even loaned them a 
  couple of bucks for a honeymoon. Jesus was happy even though he was leaving
  his new friend. But of course there were more important things to worry 
  about like Jesus' missing shoe.

        Jesus scoured the city for his shoe. He ran into a couple of tough
  guys, who thought that maybe they could kick Jesus' ass. Boy, were they 
  wrong. Jesus, as you may or may not know, is a master of Tae Kwan Do and
  He kicked all their asses fast and furious.

        By pure accident Jesus tripped on... a rubber nipple. SMACK! He was
  unconscious. During this time He had a dream. There was a naked man. Who,
  oddly enough, was named naked man(or fox). The naked man explained how he
  was that which Buddha came from. The naked man told Jesus of the Plateau.
  The Plateau is where Jesus must search.

        Jesus finally awoke. He knew now where he must search, where his shoe
  must be. The Plateau. But where was the Plateau? All of the sudden(or maybe
  some of the sudden) Jesus' feet started moving. He had no control over them.
  They walked for many a day and a night. Then one day they stopped.

        Jesus said,"Now, why the hell did they stop?"

        But no answer came. Not till he looked up. The Plateau in all its 
  splender stood before him. He walked toward it, almost scared of its 
  omnipitence. More in awe then anything else. He began to climbed. Now this
  climbing was no great feat because many a hand has scaled the grand old 
  face of the Plateau.

        But the top was different for each person who climbed the Great 
  Plateau. Jesus arrived on the top and there was nothing but his shoe. His 
  shoe that He had searched endlessly for had now been found. Jesus was 
  happier than any one man had been happy before. And He danced and he sang.
  And He erected The Hidden Temple of the Happy Jesus.

        With this new happiness came new power. Jesus wished the crazy monkees
  were there with him and *POOF* there they were, Jesus made them a house in
  which the beer and bananas never run out. Then Jesus wished for Buddha and
  same as the crazy monkees he appeared. 

        Buddha saw Jesus and exclaimed,"JESUS??! IS THAT REALLY YOU?!?"

        Jesus replied,"Yes, good friend, come sit in my Hidden Temple for I
        am happy."

        Then Jesus wished Alfred and Jenny McCarthy were there. And just as
  Buddha and the crazy monkees appeared there was the mule and his wife. 

        Jesus said,"Alfred, old man, how are things with you and the wife?"

        To which Alfred said,"GREAT! Thank you so much, Jesus."

        Then Jesus remembered the Lovely Purple Road and how He promised He
  would return to it. Then he thought why should he go to the road when He
  could bring the road to the plateau and Bing! Bang! Boom! there was the
  Lovely Purple Road. The new Plateau Highway in all its splender. (AMEN!)

        Then there was only one thing Jesus wanted. The Chick. Bing! Bang!
  Boom! There she was and she was instantly in love with Jesus. Then Jesus
  remembered Buddha was without a woman and Bing! Bang! Boom! There appeared
  a woman, a woman named Alex Mack. And she was beautiful.

        Then out of nowhere the naked man appeared. Jesus was puzzled by his
  appearance because Jesus had not wished for him, He didnt even know the 
  naked man really existed.

        The naked man stood there smiled, licked The Chick, farted and 
  disappeared. But it was no matter to Jesus and his friends. They were happy.


                 tHE END