Anonymous wrote:
>
> Dear Dr. Pants
>
> PLEASE HELP ME. My cat's fleas are getting in my pants and now I keep
> having to use my 'Badly Bitten Botty Balm'. My itchy buttocks are
> covered in small scabs which I need to scratch in public. This is
> embarrasing, and adds a whole new meaning to 'I've got ants in my
> pants'. The itching once got so bad that I had to pull my trousers
> and pants down in public to scratch - and then I got arrested for
> indecent exposure. I have just been released from custody having
> been fined £400. I wish to stop something like this happening again
> and was at a loss until I found your web page.
> Please help me. Is there a cure or spray to cure me?
Dr Pants replied:
Its funny you should mention this, as exactly the same thing happened
to someone else I know. He got the itching and when he scratched
himself in public he also got arrested. I'll give you his name and
address and hopefully he can give you some advice
George Michael
A Prison
Somewhere in America
Lyndsay from Aberdeen wrote:
> My granny sent me 5 pairs of pink passion killer pants for my 21
> birthday (some present!!) and I don't know what to do with them.
> Should I wear them or should I burn them - please help - if I have to
> wear them one more time I will go insane.
Dr Pants replied:
Anyone who has become a granny has years of experience behind her and
obviously knows what she is doing. She knows that the best way to
pull a member of the opposite sex is to be wearing the most hideous
underwear possible. This is known as the grungey gruns effect. Once you
have pulled then you resort to Dylan's first law of pants, which is to
always carry around a spare pair of sexy underwear to change into.
Dylan's first law does tone down the grungey gruns effect a little but
is deemed necessary to avoid severe embarassment.
Allen Bashford wrote:
> my brother insists on wearing beige Y-Fronts with a chocolate brown Y
> (disturbing as this is) he struts around the house in them while
> singing the spice girls song "when pants become one" I feel that this
> will distort my enjoyment of underwear.
Dr Pants replied:
This is a very serious condition and should only be treated by a
properly trained psychiatrist. It is more common problem than people
realise, as not many people admit to such an undesirable habit. It is
curable though, and in my professional opinion the best way to cure it
is to buy a machine gun and gun down the Spice Girls at close range,
then remove all of their limbs with a blunt meat cleaver, boil their
heads in acid and laugh manically. Then he can wear his groovy Y-fronts
around the house singing something decent.
John Noble wrote:
> An excellent web site. Do you know where I can get any Teflon lined
> pants - I'm in desparate need of something non-stick!!
Dr Pants replied:
Have you tried sticking two frying pans down your pants, one at the
front and one at the back? Of course, you'd have to remove the handles
otherwise people might get the wrong idea.
Or you could apply some Slick 50 engine oil additive to your favourite
gruns. The makers claim you can travel approximately 50 miles before
seizure.
Lewis "I like them Loose" Pinder wrote:
> Dear Doctor Pants,
> While at Greenbelt I ventured onto a fairground ride that looked
> allot like a giant sofa on two big sticks. As I sat down on the ride I
> put my buttocks into a small puddle of water that has accumulated onto
> the seat, too late to change seats I was stuck...
> The violence of the ride, and the long walk back to the tent
> caused a large amount of inter-buttock friction. This rubbing,
> combined with the trapped moisture resulted in chaffing. Unfortunately
> I had to walk around for the next three days in buttock agony, made
> only worse by my harse pants.
> Wearing shorts, going commando was not an option, so I would like
> to know if you have any suggestions about a rough pants and chaffing
> before this happens again....
Dr Pants replied:
My oh my, you do have sensitive buttocks don't you?
As your rear is obviously very sensitive I suggest a dual approach
is needed, both to protect your buttocks and to increase your
resistance. A more absorbant material than normal is called for,
possibly waterproofed, The companies I recommend are Pampers and
Kimberley-Clark. Kimberley-Clark manufacture a range of "Huggies" which
they refer to as "big boys pants" in their factory in Barton-upon-Humber
near Hull. You also need to increase your resistance, similar to walking
barefoot in the summer a lot to thicken the soles of your feet. I
wouldn't recommend going without pants but you can practise rubbing your
buttocks side to side on a rough surface. After a few weeks of this
you can apply mild sandpaper directly to your buttocks with a smooth,
circular action. Initially 5 minutes per day but this can be increased
to 15 minutes per day after a few weeks.
Anonymous wrote:
> dr pants i have got really tight pants and it is hurting my clit what
> am I to do
Dr Pants replied:
Lubrication is the answer to this little problem. Make sure you apply
copious quantities of a quality lubricant each morning. Lubricant can
be applied by yourself, but is more effective if applied by a trained
professional, such as myself. My prices vary but the first application
is free.
Ben Brown wrote:
> why is it that the pants that girls like the most are always the most
> uncomfortable ones with big tight elastic round the waist?
Dr Pants replied:
But taken from the girls point of view its worse. Have you ever tried
to wear stockings and suspenders? (not that I'm claiming I have, that's
just a malicious rumour, and the photos could have been touched up).
I say just ignore what the opposite sex think and wear the biggest,
comfiest pants you can find, that way you'll be smiling so much they
won't be able to resist you.
Libby Hamilton wrote:
> My problem is that my Mum works in M&S, pant nirvana.
> Unfortunately she finds it reaaly amusing to by me all the weird pants
> they get in. She last sent me two pairs of penguin pants, and I opened
> the package infront of some very non-penguin people.
> How do I tell her that sometimes I want to wear plain white cottons.
Dr Pants replied:
Another job best left to the experts. In future, when strange parcels
arrive for you that may be from your Mum, the safest course of action
is to notify the pants disposal service immediately. We, erm, I mean
they, will arrive very quickly and take control of the situation in
conjunction with the pants police. The area will be cleared of
people and sealed off and the package will be disarmed. In cases
where there is even the slightest chance of danger, a controlled
explosion will be executed. This may seem extreme but in my
professional opinion it is better to be safe than sorry.
Anna Rogers wrote:
>
> Dear Dr. Pants
>
> Our pants have become dogknotted. We have been trapped for
> nearly a week. How can we escape?
>
> Love Anna "why don't they make pants fluffier?" Rogers and Bob
> "bobble-pants" Young (members).
Dr Pants replied:
There is one thing that my vast experience with pants has taught me
and that is the power of the pants is all-conquering. Resistance is
useless. Become at peace with the force and use the power you now
possess for the pursuit of universal harmony. When the pants are ready
they will release you and only then will you be a true Jedi.
Concentrate, feel the force, but beware of the dark side.
Dr Pants.
PS Do you think I've been watching too much science fiction lately?
Bob Perry wrote:
> Dear Dr Pants,
> Thankyou for the great page. It's good to know that others share my
> hideously embarressing and distressing complaint. Perhaps you can help
> me with the problem of wear.
>
> I, like many 'ample figured' males, have wisely chosen the cotton 'Y'
> front for comfort. As we all know, 'Betty Swalls' makes for high quality
> 'mushroom growing!'. This leads swiftly to discomfort in salty pants,
> which can only be cured by cotton in copious quantities. After many
> months of faithfull moisture retention, the cotton gives way to reveal
> the most distressing sight of all - unguarded elastic in the hairy
> region! Ask any of your readers out there about the pain of trapped
> pubes - You know who you are!
>
> So, how do I stop the elastic from grabbing my gonads, pinching my pubes
> and plucking my perm?
> Please help before my tube of canestan runs out.....
Dr Pants replied:
I think the key phrase here is "After many months of faithfull moisture
retention". You should try changing your pants more often than this...
Liesl wrote:
> Your guestbook is really messed up. I posted a message in there twice
> and it didn't show up. I'm mad, because I took the time to write you
> 75 different words that can be made using the letters that form the
> word "Elephant". Grrrrrrr...fix your guestbook please. I can't sleep
> until you do. Thank you.
Dr Pants replied:
I'm really, really, really sorry. I wondered why noone had left a
message. It worked fine when I tried it. I've now changed to a
different guestbook provider
To make it up to you, I've decided a punishment for myself, and that
is to find as many words as I can that can be made from the word
elephant. So here goes:
ala
alan
ale
aleph
all
allele
alp
alpha
althea
ana
anent
annal
anneal
ant
ante
antenna
antennae
ape
appall
appeal
appellant
appellate
apple
apt
ate
athlete
eat
eaten
eel
elan
elate
elephant
ell
eta
ethane
hale
hall
halt
hap
happen
hat
hate
hath
heal
health
heap
heat
heath
heathen
heel
hell
help
hen
heptane
lane
lap
lapel
lappet
late
latent
lath
lathe
lea
lean
leap
leapt
lee
lent
let
lethal
nap
nape
natal
neap
neat
neath
nee
nepenthe
net
nettle
paean
pal
palate
pale
palette
pall
pallet
pan
pane
panel
pant
pap
papa
papal
pat
pate
patent
patentee
path
pea
peal
peat
pee
peel
peep
pellet
pelt
pen
penal
penna
pennant
pent
pentane
pep
pet
petal
phthalate
plan
plane
planet
plant
plat
plate
platelet
platen
plea
pleat
tale
talent
tall
tan
tanh
tap
tapa
tape
tappa
tappet
tat
tate
tattle
tattletale
tea
teal
teat
tee
teen
teet
teeth
teethe
tell
telltale
ten
tenant
tenet
tent
tenth
tepee
tete
than
that
the
thee
then
theta
164 words in total, sorted into alphabetical order
Am I forgiven now?